Original subtitles

♪ California love ♪

["California Love (Remix)" by 2Pac and Dr. Dre playing]

♪ California knows how to party ♪

♪ California knows how to party ♪

♪ In the city of LA ♪

♪ In the city of good ol' Watts ♪

♪ In the city, the city of Compton ♪

♪ We keep it rockin', we keep it rockin' ♪

♪ Now let me welcome everybody To the Wild Wild West ♪

♪ A state that's untouchable Like Eliot Ness ♪

♪ The track hits your eardrum Like a slug to your chest ♪

♪ Pack a vest for your Jimmy In the city of sex ♪

♪ We in that sunshine state Where the bomb-ass hemp be ♪

[song fades]

[car alarm chirps]

[engine starts, roars]

[tense music playing]

[container clicks]

[tense music continues]

[exhales]

[floorboard creaks]

[wire whirring, clicks]

-[metallic twang] -Yeah.

[shotgun cocks]

Who are you?

What are you doing in my room?

Where's Michael?

[intense music playing]

[bones cracking]

[skin sizzling]

[shrieks]

-[yells] -[man grunts]

[both grunting]

-[bones crack] -Ah!

[yells]

[both grunting]

[shrieks]

[grunts]

[panting]

[groans softly]

[glass clatters]

[electrical sparking]

[ominous music playing]

[shrieks]

[man groans]

[both grunting]

-[sizzling] -[screeches]

[man grunting]

[groaning]

-[vampire grunting] -Huh?

[bones cracking]

[both grunting]

[vampire shrieking]

[man groans]

[yells]

-[man grunts] -Ah!

[squelching]

[vampire yelling]

Ah! [groans]

[breathing heavily]

[squelching]

You missed!

[shrieks]

-[grunts] -[bones cracking]

[hissing]

[tense music playing]

[groans]

[bones crack]

[shrieks]

[man grunts]

[both groan]

-[gunshots] -[vampire yelling]

Come on! [grunts]

[music intensifies]

[blood splattering]

[panting] This old bitch.

Shit.

[male vampire snarling]

-[metallic twang] -[shot gun cocks]

[gasping]

Works every time.

[panting]

With your old ass.

When was the last time you been to the dentist, huh?

Money.

[rattling]

["Check Yo Self (Remix)" by Ice Cube playing]

[tires squeal]

♪ So come on and chickity-check yo' self Before you wreck yo' self ♪

♪ Chickity-check yo' self Before you wreck yo' self ♪

♪ Yeah, come on and check yo' self Before you wreck yo' self ♪

♪ 'Cause shotgun bullets Are bad for your health ♪

[shotgun blast]

[shotgun cocks]

[birds chirping]

[faint snarling]

[snarling]

[sizzling]

[snarling]

-[chain clinking] -[grunting]

Do you know what the definition of insanity is, Sasha?

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

You cling to the old ways like a tick on a dog's ass.

And look at where that's gotten us.

You've made your point.

[growls softly]

I accept your terms.

I think we're a little beyond that now, don't you?

[Sasha] I made a mistake.

You want this? You have it.

There you go again, lacking imagination.

"You, our, yours."

These are words of division, darling.

And divided, we are vulnerable.

But together?

[sizzling]

The sky is the limit.

[blows]

And why rent when you can own?

[metal creaking]

No. No, no, no. No, no, no!

No!

We've got big plans for the Valley, cabrón.

Maybe we can dig you up in 100 years

and show you what we've done with the place.

[Sasha] No, no. Please!

No. No!

[groaning]

[grunts, yells]

[ominous music playing]

[snarls]

[music fades]

Hey, Bud. Nice look.

[chuckles]

…everything, the package isn't here. Bud, I need your rent.

So I'll look again…

[locks clicking]

[locks clicking]

[sighs]

[slow blues music playing]

[groans in pain]

[grunts]

Oh shit!

[whimpers]

[continues groaning]

[grunts]

[watch beeps]

[teacher] I'm calling because your husband is late again picking up Paige.

Do you have an ETA of when we should expect him?

All right, but this is the third time this week that he's late.

I shouldn't have to remind you that…

-[tires squeal] -[teacher] Just a sec. He's pulling up.

[Bud] Paige!

-[Paige] Hey, Daddy! -Come on, baby!

Well, what up?

-Who's your favorite daddy? -[chuckles] You.

I'm your only daddy, I hope. What's up?

-You're late, you know? -What?

-Are you serious? -[Paige] Yeah.

You know why I'm late? 'Cause this job.

-Work is dumb. -Oh, well, yes, it is.

And what do you have in your hand? Oh…

-A little something. -[Bud] Shaboom! I love that.

-How about this? Hmm? -[kisses]

-All right. -Can we go to Yogurtworld?

Yogurtworld. Oh, Pickle, I don't know.

Your mom is already upset because we're late.

[tongue clicks] Whose fault is that?

Harsh.

But true. Roll the dice.

-And we gonna roll out. Here we go. -[engine starts]

Hands in the air!

We taking off.

Yogurtworld, we're on the way.

[Paige] Yogurtworld!

[Bud] I'm gonna get strawberry. There it is.

[chuckling] Daddy's getting… strawberry.

Pow.

[sighs] Wow. Mmm.

-[shotgun blasts] -[roaring]

Boom! Got it.

-Boom! -Yeah. Boom.

Got it.

Got it.

You got it.

You're so weird.

If you only knew. All right, come on.

Excuse me, do you guys have any Black History Month discounts?

["Funky Music Sho' 'Nuff Turns Me On" by Edwin Starr playing]

♪ Oh, come on, come on Come on, people now ♪

♪ Express yourself ♪

♪ Oh, come on, come on Come on, people now ♪

[song fades]

Home sweet home.

[both] Home sweet…

[sighs]

-We home!

You're late.

-Hey. -[woman] Hi.

We went to Yogurtworld.

Oh! Did you?

Snitches get stitches. We were gonna keep that between us.

[whispers] Sorry.

It's all good. Gimme five on your way up.

-Whoo! -Nothing can stop you. All the way up.

Making a ten-year-old a part of your lies now. Charming.

She told me that she liked hanging out with her old man. I was like…

Oh, she wanted to hang out with you.

See, that's something she coulda done if you'd taken her to school like I asked.

Well, I told you I had to go, and--

That pool cleaning appointment this morning?

-Exactly. -Right.

Whose house was it?

It was Mrs… uh… Mrs. Jones' house.

Where's she live?

She, uh…

With Mr. Jones. That's exactly…

-Right over there on Mr. Jones Way. -Oh my God. Bud.

We'd get much further if you'd be straight with me.

-I am being straight. -You're not.

I am being straight, but the question is, what is that sponge doing on the ground?

And this? What is all this?

I am fixing the broken tile.

Mm-hmm. I see that. And why?

Uh, what does it matter?

-You don't live here anymore. -Wow, that's what we doing?

What I was gonna tell you is that this tile goes…

Joss, what's this? This a new door?

Uh…

A door with five locks doesn't exactly

send the right impression to potential buyers.

Buyers? Buyers? What are you talking about, Joss?

I didn't want to tell you this way, but…

I'm thinking about selling the house and taking my mom up on her offer.

You and your momma.

Florida?

What are you talking about? You can't move to Florida.

All her friends are here. I'm here. Her world is here.

She needs stability.

She has stability. She got you. She got me.

She got Yogurtworld. Ain't no Yogurtworld in Florida!

Yeah, and she also has a school

that she's not gonna be able to go to unless we pay tuition by Monday.

Then let's pay the tu… Mon--

Monday? Monday, like in seven days?

Yeah, which you would know if you had checked your voice mails.

Is that the stability you talk about?

-How much is it? -Five grand.

Five thousand dollars for a child?

Mm-hmm. And she needs braces.

-What's wrong? -Her teeth are jacked up.

She always says she likes her teeth 'cause they look like my teeth.

That's my point.

Okay. Well, how much are braces? What? Five, six hundred dollars?

-Without insurance, try six grand. -Six grand?

But I did find a guy who quoted me $4,800.

-I know we done been through a whole lot. -Yeah.

Just, please, don't take my daughter away.

[Joss sighs]

Till Monday. Just give me till Monday.

Ten grand. Tuition, teeth, everything.

[exhales]

Okay, fine. I will give you till Monday.

Come on, hug me.

-Hug me. -I'm hugging you.

-Stop listening to your mom. She drinks. -What?

-Uh, Bud. -What?

I have one more question.

Paige said that there's a porn star living in your building?

How does she even know what a porn star is?

It's the Valley, Joss. They live amongst us.

[door closes]

["Guerrilla Funk" by Paris playing on radio]

♪ Still gotta pray for the LA, we play Black folks still bring into the true ♪

♪ But I still got love So I'm comin' through ♪

♪ With a trunk full of funk That I make ya ♪

♪ Separate the real from the fake Each and every-- ♪

[radio turns off]

-[buzzing] -[whistles]

[lock buzzes]

Fellas. 'Sup, baby?

Who's thirsty? Hmm?

Business is booming, I see.

What's up, Eddie? Oh!

You always fast.

[in Korean] Is Troy here?

["Take me Higher" by A.C.E. playing on TV]

[humming]

♪ So, baby, take me higher ♪

[in English] All right. [imitates machine whirring]

-[door buzzes] -[Bud] Troy!

Decided to take me up on my offer?

Not today, not tomorrow, not anytime.

-Here, you thirsty? -Ooh. Thank you!

-Get some of that in you. -Fifteen hundred is good money.

Like I said, Troy, Snake Eyes ain't for sale now.

Everything's for sale. You just have to be desperate enough.

-So, what do you got for Troy? -Desperate, huh?

Mm-hmm.

-[rattling] -That's what I got for Troy.

Money. All right.

Right there.

-[Troy] Ooh, nice. -Count that.

Let's see, uh…

-Oh, this is a young male. -Mm-hmm.

Garden-variety, it's like Eastern…

Hey, smoker…

-Nasty habit, don't you think? -Yeah.

He would have died from smoking if he wasn't dead already.

[both laugh]

Count the shit up.

Let's check this out. Uh, yeah, you see there?

-Yeah, solid bloodline. -Mm-hmm.

Must've gotten here through Mexico or something.

-He fed recently, you see that? -Yeah.

Okay. Well, how much?

Eight hundred? $800? A piece?

No, both.

Troy, what are you talking about? Look at that again.

-That's worth at least four grand. -Down at the Union.

-Why don't you try the Union? -Come on.

I can't go to the Union. You know that.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I… I forgot you can't go to the Union.

-That's why you're coming to me. Huh? -[table thuds]

And I'm offering you 800 for both.

All right, forget it. Just check the Elder's.

Elder?

That's a different story. That's 20 grand.

[finger snaps] Boom. Perfect. Done.

Yeah, yeah.

If she had been an Elder,

which she's not. [laughs]

Check this out.

A decade early and a whole lot of dollars short,

so I can give you like two grand for this.

-Two thousand, Troy? -Mm-hmm.

Two thousand?

Listen, I don't think you understand. I need cash today.

Then go and rob a bank or do something. I'm a businessman!

Forget the Elder's. How about this? Silver.

Hmm?

Silver? This is…

-Just gonna put that in your mouth, huh? -This plated shit? Please, Bud.

You wanna make a deal or not?

Shit.

Snake Eyes, 1,500.

Ah, twelve.

You said 1,500 when I walked in here. It is 1,500.

Before I knew you were desperate.

That's everything I have.

Well, I think you have something else.

Are those Jordans?

What size?

[mariachi music playing in distance]

[telephone ringing]

Hey. Hey, Pickle. How you doing?

[Paige] Dad, are we moving?

-Are we what? -Are we moving?

No. No. What makes you think that?

Mom says I might have to start a new school.

That's what Mom says, huh?

Well, you know Mom is a jokester, and I love her to death, but…

But we're not going anywhere.

You're not going anywhere, okay?

Okay, good. Thanks, Daddy.

-I love you. -I love you too!

[typing]

I need you, bro.

[man on phone] We have already agreed to take delivery of the product

and to help with placement in Simi Valley.

You had no authority to take out Sasha.

I'm going to have to rethink our deal.

[Audrey] Sasha is the past, and I am the future.

We already own the night,

but my product will allow us to seize the day.

So here is your choice.

You join me, and we take over the Valley, or you can join him. Comprendes?

[sighs]

[gasps]

[ominous music playing]

[in Spanish] My precious…

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

[in English] It's just one man.

I can still smell him.

[hisses]

Find him.

[hisses]

[country music playing]

♪ I may be a fool with my money But don't call me broke ♪

♪ I may act funny on occasions But I ain't no joke ♪

♪ I can drink a bottle of whiskey down And start a fight or two ♪

♪ I ain't George Foreman or Ali But I've won a few ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ I'm a truck-driving Harley-riding son of a gun ♪

♪ Loud country music bumping Come and have you some fun ♪

♪ Deer-hunting, beer-guzzling Boot-wearin', Southern man ♪

♪ And I don't give a damn ♪

Big J, you ain't changed a bit, baby. I see you. What's happening?

You know me, cutting necks and cashing checks.

Yeah. Thanks for meeting me, man.

Least I can do for the player that snatched my ass out the sandbox twice.

How's Seeger?

Same.

-Or worse. -Damn.

You think he'll listen?

-Things have changed since you left. -I ain't never left, Big J.

Well, since you got your ass kicked out the Union.

Look here. I'm putting my name and my ass on the line by vouching for you.

Can you play this shit by the books?

I got to. I got to get that Union card, or I'm gonna lose my family.

Look, I need ten large in the next five days,

or Joss is gonna take Paige down to Florida.

That's bad.

The Union is the only place gonna give me that kind of coin.

-I got you. Lock and load. -All right.

She's done this before, man. Pump faking, whatever.

But right now, it seems like it's real.

[entry bell chimes]

[in Japanese] Hi, Momoko!

How are you?

Momoko.

[in English] Yes?

Pink penguin puffy pants.

[mouthing]

[Bud] See you ain't missed a step, Big J.

[scanning, beeps]

[elevator bell dings]

[woman on PA] JJ Perry to the trade counter.

-[Bud] Wow. -JJ Perry to the trade counter.

[Bud] I don't know how I feel about this.

[board clicking]

Things really done changed around here, huh?

Yeah, we ain't just 818 no more. We done went international.

Look, Paris even blowing up tonight.

Hmm.

Bet money's good out there.

Let's go and get this thing over with.

How's the shirt look?

Stop being nervous, man. Pull yourself together.

Hey, Big John.

[John] Well, hello, sunshine.

He's expecting you, but he's in one of his moods today.

[mouthing]

[chair squeaking]

I took this meeting out of respect for you, Big John.

God knows I wouldn't be sitting here without your support.

But, uh, I'm certain we all remember

that Mr. Jablonski's previous tenure as a Union member was…

chock-full of incidents.

Let's just take a look.

Northridge, 2014, violated code 103.

Encino, 2015, fleshed out a nest

while a child's birthday party was unfolding next door,

endangering civilians, violating codes 921, 833, and 605,

the worst of which was the failure to notify law enforcement in due time.

-That was a good bust. What happened was-- -And to top it all off…

Canoga Park, 2017,

violated code 101, endangering a fellow Union member's life.

Critical injury sustained.

He already had g… gout. He had gout.

Each of these incidents… meriting a lifelong suspension.

And yet, time and again, you were given warnings.

Why should I extend you yet another lifeline?

Ralph, let me be the first to tell you.

-Bud here, he's a new man. -Yeah.

Is that right?

Yes, sir. Absolutely. I'm a changed man.

I've cut out, uh…

pork and cartoons and minimal white women.

Bud, I'm curious. Uh…

If you were in my position,

sitting across from a man such as yourself,

would you let you back in?

If that person that is in question admits fault

and be apologetic, which I am, and,

on top of that, I just…

Look, Ralph…

Mr. Seeger, I just…

I really need to get out there. I need to do good.

I promise, if you give me that opportunity,

I'm not gonna mess it up.

[clears throat]

One last chance.

Now that we, uh, got that part settled,

I'm gonna go freshen up my coffee and let you gentlemen cross those T's.

That's a great guy. Great guy.

Really appreciate this second chance.

I don't know what the hell that man sees in you, Jablonski.

I mean, I know you served together, but, frankly, I don't care.

I've made it my life's work keeping cowboys like you out of the Union,

so I'll be watching you.

[menacingly] ♪ Every step you make ♪

♪ Every shit you take ♪

-♪ Every time you-- ♪ -[John] Everything good?

Quite. [clears throat]

Fill these out, all of them.

Once you pay your initial dues,

we'll get you started on the health care plan.

There's dental included, right?

After a probationary period lasting…

30 days.

Come on, man. Three days.

Two weeks.

-One. -[sighs]

Fine.

With a Union rep accompanying him in the field.

-Generous. Thank you. -[Seeger] Great.

All right. Thanks, and, uh…

[clears throat] …I want the night shift.

-Not on my life. -[Bud] Come on, Seeger.

-That's where the big money is! -[Seeger] No. Not a chance.

Amount of shit you stirred up working night shift,

you expect me to let you back out there where the sun don't shine?

Fine.

Day shift.

Good. Anything else?

No.

Oh, yeah. I got some, uh, teeth I need to sell.

Go to the cage.

Seeger, thank you kindly.

Mm-hmm.

And remember, Bud,

one last strike.

Is… Are you referring to bowling, because…

-I'm saying there's a strike in bowl-- -You're back. That's all that matters.

[indistinct PA announcement]

Carol.

Carol, did you eat my yogurt again?

I even wrote my name on the lid today,

so you literally had to peel back my name to get to the yogurt.

Oh, what? You can't hear me?

[sighs]

I'm gonna fart in my yogurt, and you're gonna eat my fart.

Next.

[muttering]

Mr. Jablonski?

Yeah. Teeth.

So I look at it like this. I get back out there, do what I gotta do,

you know, for Mr. Mullet.

[chuckles]

This is chipped, female.

Appears to be an almost Elder, roughly 90 years old.

Ninety? You probably need to check that again.

-You sure it's 90? -I'm sure.

Huh.

Okay, whatever.

Full price still, right?

I'm sorry. Code 107 in the book clearly states anything--

Enough of the codes. It's fine.

-That's the net for the teeth. -Yeah, I'll come in… Hey!

However, due to the truncated processing time,

Mr. Seeger would like me to inform you we need your dues up front,

which, of course, is $5,000.

$5,000? I thought it was two?

Those are 2017 rates, Mr. Jablonski.

Then there is 15% off the top of every fang,

and we have to hold 50% until we receive your paperwork.

And, of course, $10 for your membership card,

which gets you one free app at Cheesecake Factory.

-I don't like cheesecake. -Do you have that?

Why won't you take the $10 out of that? Taking everything else.

You don't have cash on you? You really wanna make me split this?

Okay, you are good to go.

Am I?

If you have any issues with this,

Carol right here would be happy to further assist you.

Oh, great. I see you met your Union rep.

Huh.

What?

[John] Come on, Bud.

Sir, please.

That new girl's a smoke show.

Right, but I'm begging you to reconsider. I'm not meant for the field.

I just bought an ergonomic chair with my own money. I'm all in on the desk.

That's why I need you out there with him.

Right? Someone who knows the codes to the letter.

-Okay, but-- -Hey, hey, hey.

Do you wanna move up here?

You gotta get your ass out in the field. All right?

Think about it this way,

you're gonna be my eyes and ears, my friend.

-Right? -Right--

And the minute he messes up, the minute he goes against code,

you'll be there reporting it back to me, right?

The sooner he fucks up,

the sooner your sweet cheeks are in Carol's desk.

You work out?

-A little. -Yeah, thought so.

♪ I remember ♪

["I Learned My Lesson" by Willie Davis playing]

♪ When I was just a bad little boy ♪

♪ My momma used to tell me, "Son, they gonna read just what you say" ♪

[banging at door]

You're late.

Close it.

[sighs]

I was actually here an hour ago, but you weren't,

so I went to go get us breakfast.

I got you an organic, gluten-free, paleo bran muffin.

Really? Thank you.

-I was starving. -That was a six-dollar muffin.

-What do you have on? -What?

-What are you wearing? -Just, like, normal clothes.

The handbook says blend in on the hunt. Be inconspicuous.

You have on a suit. How's that inconspicuous?

You have on a suit. We're in the Valley. In the summertime.

-It's a summery suit. -A summery suit?

-Juniper green. Yes. -What is juniper green?

A hue of green I found to be complementary against my skin tone.

Whatever it is, don't wear it again.

Look, I'll put myself together, and we'll take off, all right?

-Do you have somewhere I can hang this? -Yep.

Not there.

[loud clang]

I'll just… hold on to it.

[sighs]

This ain't gonna last.

Got enough weapons and ammo in here to take down El Jefe, huh?

[chuckles] What you know about El Jefe?

Oh, come on. Legendary 700-year-old European vampire.

Some say he's at the top of the LA drug trade,

just waiting for his moment to reemerge.

Fangs so sharp, with just one, you could buy a mansion in Bel Air.

Hmm.

You sound like Big John.

Whole lot of gibberish. You know that's a crock of shit, right?

I didn't take you for an arts and crafts guy.

-What are these all about? -Wanna keep your hands off my shit?

It's my trophy case.

For each one that I kill, I, uh…

They're already dead, but you get my drift.

'Cause they're allergic to wood. Smart.

They're allergic to wood, but not just any wood. It's mpingo wood.

The strongest African hardwood. Not that Ikea shit.

We mix it with the garlic. The wooden bullets pierce the heart.

-The silver-- -Silver to the throat. Right.

Yeah. Cuts the head off… usually.

Usually. Right, you are referring to Uber Vamps,

who have come back from decapitation.

[Bud] Not if you blast the heart with wood before you cut their throats with silver.

Mm-hmm. You also forgot to mention that you can kill them by burning them.

I didn't forget anything. That's how I get my money.

Why would I burn the fangs? I don't do that.

Listen, Guacamole Suit,

right there on the shelf, grab that for me.

Get that, we'll take off.

And remember, whatever you do, don't…

drop my shit.

So, uh, where we going?

I'm going hunting. I don't know about you.

♪ All my life, been grindin' all my life ♪

♪ Sacrificed, hustle paid the price ♪

♪ Want a slice? Got to roll the dice ♪

♪ That's why, all my life I been grindin' all my life… ♪

Why you wearing the seat belt like that?

Um, yeah,

I mean, usually the seat belts aren't like this complicated and heavy. But--

It's not complicated. It's just a seat belt. It protects you.

Sure.

Sure. It's still protecting me though. If anything happened, it's just--

[brakes screech]

See? It still catches me.

I see.

It's gonna be a long day.

♪ Sacrificed, hustle paid the price ♪

♪ Want a slice? Got to roll the dice ♪

♪ That's why, all my life I been grindin' all my life ♪

[dogs barking]

So, are you gonna tell me what we're doing at an animal shelter?

I'm gonna tell you shit.

What you know about Juvies?

Juvies or Juveniles, AKA Zombie Vamps,

formed when an already young vamp turns somebody else.

Instead of the strength of a full vamp,

they lack regenerative abilities and appear more dead than alive.

They can't process human blood yet, so what do they do?

-I'm aware. -They feed off of small animals, rodents.

So you've read the book?

I don't have to read it. I'm out here.

What do you know about different species of vampires?

I know there are five types.

Southern, Eastern, Spider, Uber, and Juvenile.

They are largely solitary, but when together, there is a hierarchy.

They organize by age. What else?

The sunlight is the only thing they're scared of.

They can't reproduce, but they can turn people.

Should I continue?

-What about familiars? -You think this guy's one of them?

I don't know. You tell me.

-Hmm? -I think he fits the profile.

-You think so? -Absolutely.

More powerful vamps have more powerful familiars.

And when it comes to Juvies, a little kid like this,

he's probably grabbing those cats for 'em, try to get 'em turned.

[cats meowing]

-Oh man. -What?

No, I'm just a big cat lover. I got two of them myself.

Oh. Okay.

Well, that explains it.

-Want to see a picture? -No, I don't.

Maybe later.

[vehicle starts]

All right. Here we go.

[funky music playing]

[Bud] There's his car.

Canoga Bowl. Closed for 18 months.

It's perfect.

-Can I offer some advice? -No.

I mean, economically speaking, why go after Juvies?

Why not let them ripen, come back when their teeth are valuable?

I could come back in September, but right now, I'm out of time.

And beggars can't be choosers.

Plus, you don't want these things biting people, do you?

Wait. Why don't you have time?

-Why you ask me so many questions? -I'm just--

Just stay in the truck and do your business.

Stay in the truck? No, I have to be with you at all times in the field.

-Union rules. -Other than keeping you alive,

I don't give a shit about rules.

No, no, you don't understand. All times.

You're gonna stay in this car. With that in mind, here.

-What? No, I don't believe in guns. -You don't believe in 'em?

No, they're amoral. They're killing machines.

They're not for me.

When I was a kid, I tried shooting a squirrel with a BB gun,

and I just couldn't. All right?

I still have nightmares where I can see his little face

making little squirrel noises, and I still have nightmares about it.

Made squirrel noises, huh?

-What does a squirrel noise sound like? -It's like…

[squeaking]

Whatever! I don't wanna talk about it.

Stay in the truck.

[groans]

[gunshots]

[rapid gunfire]

[suspenseful music playing]

[grunts]

[screams]

[groans]

It's impossible.

How the hell can you be here?

It's daytime.

You've been a bad boy, Troy.

[tsking]

Did you know that a vampire cannot live without its fangs?

And yet, for whatever reason, whatever cruel joke from the gods…

they are the one thing we cannot regenerate.

Everything that makes a vampire a predator

is in its fangs.

Each set is a life that could have lived a thousand lives.

Lives that you had a part in ending.

[sniffs]

[gasps]

Yet it wasn't always like this, you know?

There was a time when you humans, you worshiped us as gods.

Right here in this valley, you built temples of blood and bone to honor us.

And then you turned on us.

Well, guess what?

I'm gonna take back what's ours,

one property at a time.

The way I see it, you have two choices, two doors.

One, you bend the knee and join me in service, and you live.

And two…

you don't.

All right. So, what the hell do you want? Huh?

Who brought you this tooth?

A name.

You're so full of shit, lady.

You think you're a god?

You're not gods. You're a big mistake.

You're a genetic mutation that would've died out

if there hadn't been a stinking hole for y'all to crawl into.

Door number two it is.

No. No!

[echoing] No!

[tense music playing]

[faint meowing]

[cats meowing]

[blood squirting]

[shotgun cocks]

[clears throat]

[snarling]

[Juvie yelling]

[shell clatters]

Time for the tooth fairy.

-[Juvie grunts] -[Bud] Ah!

[growling]

["Photograph" playing as ringtone]

♪ Look at this photograph Every time I do, it makes me laugh ♪

Hello, sir.

How are we on this fine morning?

Any violations to report?

He is certainly heading that way,

but nothing verified quite yet.

Well, where is he now?

He left me in the car and went into a bowling alley.

-[Juvie snarling] -[Bud grunting]

You didn't follow him?

I thought he was gonna shoot me! He's very difficult to reason with, sir.

Kid! You want your promotion?

You want Carol's desk?

Then get off your ass, get in there, and verify those violations.

Ugh! Hair on your nipples!

-[Juvie snarling] -[Bud grunting]

-[Seth] Bud? -Seth!

-Seth! -Shit.

-Bud! -[Bud] Hurry up! Shoot it!

I… I don't have my gun!

-Give me my shotgun! -[snarling]

I'm… I'm just an observer!

Your gonna be hors d'œuvre if you don't give me that gun!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Whoa! I'm sorry!

Next time I tell you, "Gimme that goddamn gun," you gimme that goddamn gun!

-Now duck! -What?

I said duck!

[screeches]

[Seth gasping]

[whimpering loudly]

You okay?

[sobs]

[retching]

[gasps]

[rattling]

Oh, jeez. That was horrible.

These Juvie teeth ain't worth shit, but get enough of 'em…

It's a number game like you said. Uh, you okay?

What's going on?

Oh, come on. No, no, I'm not okay.

-All right? Look at me! -What?

Vampires just tried to kill me.

You put a gun in my face,

and now I just pissed my favorite fucking suit!

Hey, hey. Relax. You did good in there.

You did good in there.

Besides, everybody pisses themselves the first time.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Did you? -No, I… No, I didn't. But listen, you did.

Here, dry your eyes. Dry your eyes, okay.

You know what?

Put it on me. My bad. We bit off more than we could chew today.

So why don't we go home, get some rest.

In the morning, we'll kick some motherfucking ass. Okay?

-Okay. -All right, come on.

Let's get in the car.

What the fuck is that? What'd you eat today?

You know what?

Let's have you get in the back.

Don't want you to get that on my vintage seats.

-What, are you serious? -Damn right.

Come on. Gotta move.

[Seth grunts]

Hang your leg out the back so we can air dry.

[truck engine starts]

[Bud] Hey. Hey!

-You forgot your man-purse. -Wait. That's expens--

[grunts]

You gotta get some of this too.

I'm sure you know, Mr. Union Man. But when vamps are killed,

they release a gas that gets on you that other vamps can sniff out.

So you gotta get all of that off. Here, take this.

It's my special blend, like a little, uh, skunk musk, okay?

-Now, get that on you, in the shower. -Oh Jesus.

On every inch of you, okay?

Be extremely careful. Don't get it in your eyes.

And whatever you do,

don't get it in your butthole.

What happens in the butthole?

I mean, it can't kill you, but…

Jesus Christ.

By the way, lock your doors, don't come out after dark, and, uh…

-Guess what? -What?

You're dried up.

[sighs]

[typing]

Oh!

-[chuckles] Oh God. It's okay. -I'm sorry about that.

-No, no, me. I got it. -It's okay.

It's my fault. I couldn't see over my baskets.

I got it. This is a… You a… you a doctor?

Uh, nurse, actually.

Hope you don't think this is weird, but you got a lot of scrubs.

Yeah, I mean, I hate doing laundry, so I kind of just kept buying new ones.

-Got out of control. -Okay.

But, hey, new apartment. Why not start off on the right foot?

Yeah. Well, welcome to the building. I'm right there in 20.

-Oh! Well, I'm Heather. I'm in 19. -Well, I'm Bud 20. [chuckles]

Can you help me with that, actually?

[Bud] Oh. Yeah.

-[Heather] Thanks. -Yeah, no problem.

-You can just put that down anywhere. -Sure. Okay.

-See you've got a retro vibe poppin', huh? -Mm-hmm.

-Dig that. -Thanks.

I wish I had a beer or something to offer you.

Uh, a previous tenant left some ice cream in the freezer, if you're interested.

No, thanks. I'll take a rain check.

-You sure? -Yeah. Welcome to the building.

Thank you.

Feeling better?

Not really.

Got a little bit of that yellow stuff in my butthole.

It was so much worse than what you even described.

Bet it was.

[Seth sighs]

You looking for something?

-Whoa. Hey, that's personal. -No, no, no.

"Violation code 101, terminated vamps and didn't report to the Union."

"Violation code 276, breaking and entering without Union sanctions."

-That did happen. -Violation. Violation. Violation.

Oh, look at this. "Needs to reimburse me for six-dollar muffin"?

It's a standard part of Union procedure.

-I have to document everything. -It's not.

It's for Seeger to keep me out the Union. Ain't that great?

You almost got me killed yesterday.

You almost got yourself killed yesterday.

I told you stay your punk-ass in the car. That's why I work by myself.

Listen. What? You're gonna die in the name of kissing your boss's ass?

Well, he didn't give me a choice, okay?

Listen to me, Mr. Union Fellow.

I may not follow all the Union rules, but let me tell you something.

If we went by the book, we'd both be dead by now!

And you saw that yesterday.

Look. Just give me a couple of days.

Okay, a couple days.

So, what's on the agenda today?

Like every day.

Hunting vampires.

[tires squeal]

[Seth] Bud, what are we doing at a pawn shop?

[Bud] This dude's cheap as shit, but he got goods we need in order to, uh…

What the hell?

[siren blaring]

Oh Jesus.

[whispers] Shut up. Shut up.

[Seth gagging]

Hey, hey.

Don't you puke in here! Don't touch nothing. Don't leave your DNA.

I swallowed it.

[pop music playing softly on TV]

Troy.

Troy?

Damn it.

Wait, is that…

It was.

[Seth] Oh no.

Who… who does that?

All right, we gotta move.

Wait a minute. Take this.

Ow!

Are you kidding me?

-It's not right, okay. Wait-- -Damn right. How you think he feels, huh?

Come on, let's go.

Wait. You can't leave. That's against protocol.

We have to call the Union and wait for them.

-Code 233 says any hunter who encounters… -Code? I don't give a shit.

…suspicious civilian death will be under a 30-day suspension--

We don't have 30 days. I don't give fuck!

We gotta leave. There's other vamps around here. Let's go.

No, no. I'm calling.

Whoa! We have dead humans here. We have to report this.

That ain't no dead human! That's my friend!

Listen, I'm not telling you you cannot report it.

I'm just telling you to delay it.

We'll make an anonymous call to the cops, and, after 24 hours,

you can make your funky little report. Let's go!

Why do you care? What difference does a day make?

I'm gonna lose my family in a day! That's the difference!

What?

Look, if I don't score some prices at Union wages by Monday,

my wife and my daughter move to Florida.

That means, if you call Seeger, I'm gonna lose my family.

I'm… I'm sorry.

Yeah, I bet you are.

So what you're saying is you… you kinda need me.

But…

No, I didn't… I didn't say I need you. I didn't say that.

-No, I just mean… -I didn't say that.

You told me your secrets. I'm gonna break protocol for you.

-So we're like a team, partners, whatever. -I didn't say partners.

-Crockett and Tubbs. -No.

-Any partnership you find satisfactory. -Listen.

What I'm saying is this,

is as a man, just give me till the weekend.

Yeah, okay. Until the weekend.

Yeah.

[Heather] Look. What do you want me to do? If I keep… he's gonna suspect something.

Just relax.

[vehicle approaching]

[Bud] I got a tip on this house from Big J.

Why don't you check the glove box right now?

Yeah.

That's what we're doing right there.

That's what we doing.

These… garlic grenades.

Pull the pin, garlic and sawdust comes out, clears the room.

I think. Haven't actually had to use it.

But, in theory, that's what's gonna happen.

An unproven weapon for my first real vampire fight.

-That's wonderful. Thank you. -Shit. Shit!

What? What?

Goddamn Nazarian Brothers.

Wait, the Nazarian brothers. Oh, they're big-time hunters.

Yeah, not bigger than me though.

They cleared out all of Glendale. Now they're headed west.

[techno music playing]

-Hey, Bud. -[music stops]

I thought I smelled chlorine.

[sniffing] Funny. Thought I smelled shit.

-Who's the cupcake? -[Seth] Seth.

I'm his Union rep. But you can call me Cupcake or whatever you prefer.

-I'm a big fan, by the way. -Want to get a selfie for your Instagram?

What you guys doing in Simi Valley?

You know what we're doing here, bro.

We let you do the hard part for us,

figure out which house is hiding the goods, then, you know.

You got me twisted. I did the work, but I ain't do it for you.

Oh, come on, Bud. Think about it.

Waste a week waiting for the right moment that we just might take from you?

Or we run up there in force right now.

Sack the place together. Split the money down the middle.

Well, one, ain't nobody taking shit from me.

And two…

Yeah. It's a good idea.

-[techno music resumes] -Wanna get a selfie?

Right now? Is that appropriate?

-We can wait-- -That's not appropriate at all.

-What's this? -Keep your neck from getting chewed out.

Take this. Stay behind me. I keep you alive.

Don't shoot where they are. Shoot where they're gonna be.

You ready? Let's go.

["Shimmy Shimmy Ya" by Ol' Dirty Bastard playing]

♪ Ooh, baby, I like it raw Yeah, baby, I like it raw ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, I like it raw Yeah, baby, I like it raw ♪

♪ Shimmy shimmy ya Shimmy yam, shimmy yay ♪

♪ Gimme the mic so I can take it away ♪

♪ Off on a natural charge, bon voyage ♪

♪ Yeah, from the home of the Dodgers Brooklyn squad ♪

♪ Wu-Tang Killer Bees on a swarm ♪

♪ Rain on ya college ass disco dorm ♪

♪ For you to even touch my skill ♪

♪ You gotta have the one killer Bee And he ain't gonna kill now… ♪

[gunfire on TV]

What's the garlic for?

Any vamp gets close to me, I spit in their eye,

melt hole in their fucking head.

Bro, you got any more gum?

[spits]

-You always share that with your brother? -We share everything.

[glass shattering]

D, you're supposed to pry that shit open, not smash it.

Hey. Are we inside the house or not, bro?

Don't even think about it.

-[groans] -[intense music playing]

[snarls]

-[shotgun cocks] -Got him.

Nice shot, bro.

Time to get paid.

Open up.

-[grunts] -[squelching]

I told him not to do it.

-Really? -I'm sorry.

-Put that gun down. -Okay.

-Take your finger off the trigger. -Right. Okay.

Just watch my six.

Six… Uh…

[scratching]

[faint rumbling]

-It's a hive. -What?

Showtime, bro.

[screeches]

[snarls]

[grunts]

[grunting]

[growls]

[screeching]

[snarling]

[snarling]

Head on out.

Bitch-ass.

[vampires snarling]

[grunts]

[growls]

Keep your head on a swivel, all right? And stay away from the walls.

-Oh shit! Bud! -[grunts]

[hisses]

[grunts]

Bud! I don't… What do I do?

Ah! You gotta stop wiggling!

Oh no!

No!

-[clicking] -Oh shit! The gun's broken!

-[Bud] Take the safety off! -Help, Bud! My gun's not working.

[Seth yelling] Oh, come on!

[gunshots]

-[hisses] -[grunting]

[Seth panting]

Oh God!

Ah! [grunts]

[screeches]

Ah!

[screeches]

-[growling] -[grunting]

[snarls]

Buckshot mouthwash, baby.

Nice, bro. Yes.

I got six.

You got six. I got five. I'll catch you up.

[Bud grunting]

Oh shit! Bud, help me!

[vampire groans]

[gasping]

-[snarls] -Wait, hold up! Wait, hold on! Ah!

[grunts]

[snarling]

[Bud] Don't let it bite you, Seth!

[snarling]

-[grunts] -[growling]

Haircut time, bro.

I'm out!

[yells, gasps]

[grunts]

Ah!

[blood squelches]

-[sizzling] -[screams]

[hissing]

[grunting]

[snarling]

[roars]

[grunts]

[Seth groans]

[hissing]

Bud, help me! Bud, help!

This motherfucker threw me up the stairs?

-[snarling] -Ah!

[grunting]

[grunting]

Bro, send one!

[groans]

[vampire snarling]

[Seth yelling] No good!

Nice work, bro.

Help! Help me!

[hissing]

[female vampire gurgles]

[gasping]

[squirting]

-[vampire snarling] -Seth, my shotgun!

[hisses]

[snarls]

-Big money, baby. -Huh? This is what I was talking about.

-This was good, yes? -Very good.

What happened to you? You piss your pants?

It's kinda my thing.

-Bro. -What you doing? What're you doing?

Listen, pee-pee pants, this is man's world, not little boy.

Gonna get you a Pamper. Anyway, listen. Be safe, man. Okay?

I'mma take this and put it towards my baby girl's tuition, you know?

That's why I'm out here. You know…

Familiar on the run.

I got it.

-He's up again. That was vampire. -I know.

Streets done changed.

I hear they got this sunscreen that they put on.

It's real thick, and they can now last out in the sunlight like 15, 20 minutes.

You know it's made from the shell of desert tortoise.

It's illegal in 40 countries, right, bro?

Vampire sunscreen? The Valley? I don't like the sound of this.

-Hey, wait, this doesn't make sense. -'Sup?

Okay, that's a Spider, but that's an Uber.

Those are Southerns, and…

Yeah, that's an Eastern. You can tell by his fangs in the front.

Ain't Bloods and Crips. It's the Valley. They cross-pollinate.

No, these vamps would never choose to live together.

Ubers are solo-nesters.

Spiders cohabitate, but never with Easterns and Southerns.

-They'd steal their food. -[Diran] Listen to this kid. Huh?

This joker reads a few books, he thinks he knows more than the pros.

No, no, wait, wait, wait. Kid makes a good point.

-But… -[watch beeps]

[sighs]

But I'm outta time. I gotta go pick up the little one. Come on.

Pull these fangs. And why don't you go to the bathroom and dry off your dick.

You okay?

I don't know.

I just keep thinking about how all those vampires we just killed

used to be regular people.

[chuckles] There you go.

The old vampires-are-just-like-us routine.

But they're not, Seth.

You know what I see when I see a vamp? Big old dollar signs.

'Cause all they are is murderers and liars.

It ain't Brad Pitt in a leather jacket and some blood raves.

It's not Eclipse. It's not New Moon. It's not Breaking Dawn Part One.

It ain't like that, all right?

Why do you know the names to all the specific Twilight films?

What's your gripe with Breaking Dawn Part 2?

It's the exciting conclusion of the whole Twilight Saga.

Wha… Have you seen Part 2?

Bella has her baby now. It's insane.

-She had the baby? -Oh, I wish I was you!

To experience that the first time. You're in for a treat.

My daughter hipped me to all that. I don't really get into all that.

But you got something different, Seth.

You're tougher than you think you are.

No.

I'm serious.

You're just saying that so I don't report you to Seeger.

No, I'm not. You got what it takes. I'm telling you. You have that instinct.

You could be a real hunter out here.

Telling you right now.

Fuck Carol.

Fuck accounting.

You could do this.

-Hey. Hey! -Hi, Dad!

-Dad? What happened to "Daddy"? -Little kids say, "Daddy."

Oh, is that right? "Dad," huh?

Everything's changing around here.

You're late. Again.

So, what is all this?

Well, I can't actually sell the house without putting it on the market.

Yeah. Last I checked, it's three days until Monday.

Come on, Dad. We're gonna be late to the party.

You know, I was thinking, what if we don't go?

What if we stay here at the house and eat pizza, some ice cream--

Bud. No. She's been talking about this all week. You promised.

Yeah, well, I just didn't think it was the right time right now.

What? Okay, give me a reason why.

Right. So, Daddy was just kidding. He was just being weird.

-[Bud] Yeah. -Yeah, you guys are going to a party!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. -See, Daddy was just being strange.

-Strange, yeah. -Yeah.

-Come on. -Bye.

-Bye, baby. -Bye.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday… ♪

-Cake time, baby. I'll check on the kids. -All right.

[phone ringing]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[kids cheering]

Hello?

[Audrey] I've been looking for you, Bud.

Who is this?

Troy spoke so highly of you.

Your name was the last thing on his lips when he died.

You know how this ends, don't you?

You tell me.

With you on your knees in front of me,

begging for the lives of your wife and your daughter.

You took something from me, and now I'm gonna take everything from you.

Enjoy the party.

[car engine revs]

-Yay! -[all cheering]

[Bud] Aw. Nice. Ha ha. That's so nice.

We gotta go, baby. That's so nice.

-Happy birthday. -Bye, Paige.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Up, up, up.

Look, buckle yourself in, okay?

Look, in here, all right. Now let's put your headphones on, okay?

Got your iPad right here. Now listen. Dad's gonna be driving.

You might feel a little swerving, but that's just my special driving.

[motorcycle engine roars]

[countdown clock beeping]

-[tires squealing]

[exciting music playing]

[game chiming]

[tires squealing]

[game chimes]

[yelps happily]

[tires screeching]

[tires squealing]

[exciting music continues]

[engines roaring]

[character exclaims]

[tires screeching]

Just pick up, pick up, pick up.

[Joss] Can't talk. Meeting a realtor.

-Don't hang up! -Why? Is Paige okay?

-Uh, yeah, she's great, but, uh… -[game chimes]

Look, Joss, we're in trouble, okay? All of us.

What? What are you talking about?

There's a lot I need to tell you.

I know you've had trouble trusting me in the past.

I know you think I keep things from you, but right now, you gotta trust me.

-I don't want to lose either of you. -Now you're freaking me out.

Pack your bags, be ready to go, and I will explain everything, okay?

-A bag? -[hangs up]

All right.

Hey. You took your headphones off, huh?

I already won my race. Besides, looks like you can use my help.

[chuckles]

Uh, you're not wrong on that.

Light!

-[tires squealing] -[horn honks]

-Whoa! -[tires screech]

Car!

-[horn blaring] -[tires skidding]

Thank you!

[exciting music continues]

[engine revving]

[men yelling]

All right, big jump. Big jump!

[Paige] Woo-hoo!

There's a guy on the right!

[Bud] Hold on.

[tires squealing]

Cover your ears, sweetie.

[air hissing]

[engine revs]

[Paige] That was awesome.

[Bud] Yeah? Just don't tell your mother.

Come on. Let's go. Come on. Come on. Let's go.

Come on. All right. Come on. Let's run.

-You ever heard of Jackie Joyner-Kersee? -Uh, no.

-I'll show her to you. -Okay.

-[screams] -No! No! No!

No!

[groans]

[Joss] No, no, no! Stop!

[Bud grunting]

[Audrey] Hola, Bud.

I told you you'd be on your knees begging for their lives.

It's okay. It's okay.

So beg.

-Go to hell. -Oh, your compadre said the same thing.

Oh shit. Baby, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for this, Joss. Are you okay?

Yeah.

What is happening, Bud?

I could try to explain it right now, but it's not gonna make any sense.

-But-- -But what?

I'm not exactly a pool cleaner.

Well, then, what are you?

I…

hunt vampires.

-What? -[Bud] Yeah. I hunt vampires.

-Vampires? -Yeah. That's what I do.

-Vampires? -[Bud] Yeah.

Okay, so all of the lies, all of the late-night calls, all of the locks…

Come on, man.

The reason I'm separated from the man I love is vampires? Ow!

Stop choking her like that!

Come on, Bud. We said we were gonna be honest with each other.

We are.

[Audrey laughing]

-[Bud] I know. Don't look at it. -Oh my God!

-[Bud] Listen… -[hissing]

I wanted to tell you. I just didn't know how.

[panicked breathing]

Okay. Okay, so…

[male vampire hisses]

Uh, what do you want?

What do I want?

You and your daughter.

-They're not a part of this! -Pendejo, you made them a part of it!

[grunts]

-Don't touch me! -Don't touch her!

I'm not afraid of you.

[gasps] Such a brave muñeca.

Take them.

-No! No! -No, don't touch her!

-Leave her alone! Get your hands off her! -Don't touch her!

[Bud grunts] I'll come get you!

-[Paige] Daddy! -[Joss groans]

-I'mma fix all of this. I love y'all! -[Audrey] Cálmate, Bud.

A new day is dawning,

and your little girl's gonna be a part of it.

Get off of me. [grunts]

[Audrey] First, I'm gonna turn her,

and then I'm gonna watch as she drinks your wife.

[sighs] I wish you could be there to see it,

but I'm afraid someone's having you for dinner.

[grunts]

[Audrey speaking Spanish]

[door closes]

[crickets chirping]

[Paige in English] Daddy!

[gasps]

[exhales, groans]

Oh, I'm alive.

[gasping]

Oh, Bud.

Oh!

Oh, I feel weird.

Yeah, I bet… I bet you do.

What happened to me?

Just some bullshit. You know how shit go.

But, uh…

-[groans] -You probably wanna… check your teeth.

Check my teeth?

Yeah, just check them. There's a mirror over there.

Oh…

Oh! Oh no!

[gasps]

Oh no. Oh, that's not good.

[hisses]

-What! That was totally involuntary. -It's like a hiccup, probably.

-[gasps] -I'm sorry, man, it was all my fault.

How you feel?

Pretty horrified about the fact that I'm a vampire.

-Right. Right. -But also like…

-I don't know, kind of amazing. -Yeah, like--

Like my blood, it just… it feels like it's on fire--

Like you had, like, a lot of energy drinks.

[sniffs] Oh, I can smell everything!

[sniffs]

Oh God, did I shit myself this time?

No, no, no, you look fine.

-Is there like a mark? -No, you look good.

Everything looks great.

Listen, let's just take it easy.

-We're gonna work this out. -[stomach rumbling]

Oh wow.

Mainly I just…

Whoa, I just feel

hungry!

[snarls]

Goddamn it, Seth.

[sighs]

I'm sorry, kid.

I'm actually gonna miss you, man, you know?

It's crazy how you get attached to someone.

Oh shit.

Bud?

Huh?

You cut my head off. I thought we were friends.

I… You rushed me.

It's just reaction. That's what I do.

It's in my blood. It's like… You ever see Tyson? He…

You don't walk up on Tyson either.

Friendship is complicated, huh?

[wheezing]

Yeah, friendships are complicated.

All right, wait. Follow my voice. Left, there. Yep, okay.

Easy. No. Okay, easy, easy.

[groaning] Okay, here we go.

The fuck?

Okay, gentle.

Gentle. [exhales]

[squelches]

Huh. Still fits.

Wha…

[groans]

Oh, it's been quite the week.

Yeah, it has. You good?

[chuckles]

-How do I look? -You look all right.

-You feel all right? -You swear?

-Yeah. -[hisses]

-Hey! -Sorry. Just kidding.

-Okay. All right. -Too soon. Too soon. All right.

Hey, I'm sorry I tried to eat you.

How 'bout we not report this to Seeger until Monday?

Seeger, shit. Oh, what? You don't think he's gonna notice?

What, am I just supposed to wear turtlenecks from now on?

I mean, I do look good in a T-neck, but that's not sustainable.

-Wait. Where are we going? -Going to get my family back.

I have to stop at my place and get some information.

What's going on with your neck? Is it repairing itself?

I actually think it is.

Okay, just be careful. Don't go over any speed bumps.

Damn. Damn.

My bad.

[Seth] You have a driving problem. You know that, right?

I gotta go to apartment 19.

I'll be back in five.

["Walking In Rhythm" by The Blackbyrds playing]

[door opens]

Heather, you just moved in. Leaving so soon?

Bud, just listen to me.

Look, we need to talk.

Talk? Vampires kidnapped my family. You wanna talk?

-I didn't have a choice. -I don't give a rat's ass.

[grunts]

[groans]

[song continues]

[grunting]

This is stupid, Bud. Let me at least explain.

[grunts]

[panting]

Okay, listen.

Because of you, my family got kidnapped, and my friend is dead.

Or undead.

So I don't want no problems, I just…

[grunts]

That's what she does, Bud.

-[groans] -She turns people against their will.

I wasn't even a familiar. She just… just did this to me.

You think I wanna work for a monster like her?

Then why do you?

[cocks gun]

-She's my maker, okay? -What?

And an Uber Vamp.

Look, she forced me to get close to you.

She wanted to get back at you for what you did to her.

What you talking about?

She just… She just wanted to know how to hurt you.

Why?

[song continues]

So, you just gonna light your finger on fire, huh?

[blows]

You killed a vampire Monday, didn't you?

-Sweet old lady? -Not so sweet, actually.

That was Audrey's daughter.

Daughter? How?

When she came over, she had a little girl she had to leave behind.

So by the time they went back, found her, and turned her, she was old.

-And I killed her. -And you killed her.

And now they got Paige and Jocelyn.

I'm sorry.

-[door slams] -Hey, Bud. I don't feel so good.

[moans] Could you hold my head for a little?

Holy shit.

You're walking on sacred ground. You should be honored.

Where are you taking us?

-Why, are you frightened? -No.

You should be.

Well, then you don't know me that well, bitch. Ah!

Why are you doing this?

Paige, don't talk to her.

She has a right to know.

You don't get to decide-- [gasps]

I had a daughter once, feisty like you.

I wanted to make a better world for her.

A world where she could be free from hiding.

But your father took that away from me.

Now, you see, it's only fair I take you away from him.

-If you hurt her, I'll kill you. -[snarls]

But I'm already dead.

I'm not gonna hurt her, Ms. Jablonski.

I'm gonna make sure no one can ever hurt her again.

-You should thank me. -[gasping]

A war is coming,

and your little girl's gonna be on the winning side.

-[Paige] No! -Paige!

[Paige] Let me go!

No. No!

[tense music playing]

-[Joss grunts] -Come on.

-[squelching] -[Bud] Seth, hold your head still.

Looks like they've turned him with Uber blood,

so he'll be unpredictable for a while.

He'll get under control eventually.

[Seth groans]

[Bud] Here.

[moans] No, I'm pescatarian.

Come on.

-[groans] Mm. Mmm! -[Bud] There we go.

Mmm.

You hunters are always complaining about LA running dry.

That's what Audrey's trying to change.

It's, like, sweet but a little tangy.

That's nice. [burps] Oh yeah, get inside of me.

She uses her cover as a realtor to buy properties all over the Valley

and move vamps back in amongst the rest of us.

Within a year, all vamp activity in LA

will be traceable to her sitting at the top.

Not if I get to her first.

I'll lead the way.

-All right, I'm coming too. -No, no, no. No. Hell no, Seth.

You got too much energy now. You fresh off some blood.

I don't want you to switch up on me, try to bite my kidneys out.

No, Bud, listen. They tortured me.

Okay, they drank my blood. They cut my head off.

I guess technically, you cut my head off, but they turned me into this, okay?

-I want to help take her down. -Okay.

We'll get you changed, head back to my spot, and we'll gear up.

-Oh, right now? -Yeah, right now.

What? It's dark out. That's a suicide mission.

Welcome to the motherfucking night shift.

["Body Count's In The House" by Body Count playing]

[siren wailing]

♪ Body Count, Body Count Body Count, Body Count ♪

♪ Yeah motherfucker! ♪

♪ Body Count, Body Count Body Count, Body Count ♪

♪ Body Count's in the house, Body Count Body Count's in the house, Body Count ♪

♪ Body Count's in the house, Body Count Body Count's in the house, Body Count ♪

[groans]

[Seth] Oh shit!

-Ah! Oh, they got me! -[Heather] Look, Seth, calm down!

They're expecting humans. It's lead. It can't hurt you.

-Really? -Yes. But, hey, let it make you mad.

♪ Body Count ♪

[Heather yelling]

[screams]

[grunts]

[men yelling]

[gunshots]

♪ Body Count's in the house, Body Count ♪

[grunts]

♪ Body Count's in the house, Body Count ♪

♪ Body Count's in the house… ♪

[screaming]

Ah!

♪ Body Count's in the house, Body Count ♪

♪ Body Count's in the house, Body Count ♪

♪ Body Count's in the house, Body Count ♪

[men yelling]

[gunfire]

[Seth groans]

[Bud] You okay?

This one actually hurts. Shit. Ah! Ah!

[groans]

[bullets ricocheting]

[groans]

[Seth] Bud, what do we do? We're surrounded.

[groans]

[Western-style music playing]

[spurs jangling]

Black Cowboy.

Get down.

[screaming]

[rubble clattering]

[Seth] Oh shit. [grunts]

How the hell you get here?

[John] The snowflake.

I might have texted him.

-Welcome to the fucking Union, brother. -Thank you.

-Hey, hey, if you don't get your ass off-- -Oh. Sorry.

-This way. -Sorry.

[Bud] Come on, Big J.

After you.

Bud, in the back, look for the staircase. That's the entrance to her tunnel.

Keep going down, and you'll find her.

There's a faster way down, but you wouldn't survive it.

We survive everything.

See me fighting a bear, you pour honey on me.

You two go ahead. We'll catch up.

[distant yelling]

[snarling]

Come on. Let's get cracking.

[indistinct chattering]

[whistles]

[screaming]

Just like old times.

[John] I'm out.

Look at this shit here. Jackpot.

[John] Man, look at all this gear.

Okay.

Ugh. Shit, look at this. All this sunscreen.

Vamps runnin' around in the day. She could take over the Valley.

[tense music playing]

[action music playing]

[Bud] Handle him, J!

Okay.

-Oh shit. -[grunts]

I see you. He didn't know, did he?

He didn't know.

-[man grunts] -[Bud] Whoo! Get him, J.

[John] Stay down, fool.

Yo. You did that without even stretching, huh?

That was my weak leg.

See all this? Huh?

All these guns?

[John] Check it out. Silver-tipped wooden bullets.

Vampire killers.

What's that about?

Is she El Jefe?

Nah. El Jefe is bigger than this, brother.

But, either way, that bitch got an ass-whooping coming.

Yeah.

[Bud grunting]

[exhales sharply]

Yeah, they down here.

Let's get cracking.

[John] Just like old times.

[sniffs]

[distorted voice] He's coming.

I can smell him.

I don't know how all this works, but I know my husband,

and he's gonna murder you.

-Ex-husband. -See, now you're just being a bitch.

[in Spanish] Bring him to me.

[in English] Paige.

[hissing]

[faint shrieks echoing]

-This place ain't creepy at all. -[Bud] Tell me about it.

Here we go.

[snarling]

[snarling]

Bud!

[screeching]

[Audrey] Jablonski…

[rocks rumbling]

[snarling]

[shrieking]

[snarls]

[grunts] John!

[screams]

[grunts]

[Bud] That's how we do, baby.

You know how we do. We bag 'em, and we tag 'em.

That's how we get it done.

-[John groans] -What's going on with you?

Ain't nothing going on. Ain't nothing wrong with me, man.

-You all right? -Shit. You know they can't fuck with me.

Okay, but why you leaning like that?

We been battle-tested. This don't mean nothing.

-All right. -Nothing but a flesh wound, dog.

Okay. Still, it don't look too good. Come on, let's get up out of here.

[distant screams]

Come on. We ain't got much time. Gotta get you out of here. Come on, man.

[Bud groans]

Come on!

-Big John, what the hell is you doing? -I'm saving your Black ass.

What are you talking about?

Go get your family right now. I got this.

-We can't do it like this. -You know I work alone.

-You crazy motherfucker. -Go.

-You better stay alive. -Go!

I'll be here waiting for you!

[groans]

[snarling]

All right, motherfuckers, come on!

[dramatic Western-style music playing]

[exhales]

West side for life!

[beeping rapidly]

[whooshing]

John…

[grunts]

I'm not supposed to kill you yet, but you've been a real pain in the ass,

so give me one good reason.

Burn in hell.

Good enough.

[groans]

[low growl]

[Seth screaming]

[groans]

-You're working on that landing, huh? -No, I planned it like that.

Go, we've got him.

[grunting]

[groans]

[roars]

[hisses]

-[gasping] -[Paige] No!

[groans, coughs]

[Bud] Paige! Stay back.

[Audrey hisses]

Daddy!

-Joss, you okay? -[moans] Yeah.

All right. I'll let you go.

A life for a life or whatever the hell you have.

[groans]

You took my daughter, Jablonski.

-I'm just returning the favor. -No.

[roars]

-[Paige] Mommy! -Baby!

[moaning]

What do you think, muñeca?

I'm gonna kill your daddy,

then I'm gonna make you drink your mean old mommy,

and then I'm gonna be your new, improved mommy.

-How does that sound? -[Joss moans]

I hate you!

That's not very nice.

I hate you too.

[roars]

[groans]

Daddy!

[breathing heavily]

[grunts]

[snarls]

[grunts]

[groaning]

Ah!

[grunts]

I should've just got another job.

Ah! [moans]

-Baby, get up! -Come on, Daddy, get up!

Baby, I'm trying.

-[Paige] Try harder. -Oh, okay.

[grunting]

[dramatic music playing]

[snarling]

[in Spanish] In the end, the devil comes for everyone.

[yells]

[in English] That's what you get.

[in Spanish] Bitch.

[wood clatters]

[in English] No!

[yells, groans]

Mommy!

[groans]

Pull!

[screaming]

[bones crunching]

[grunts]

Wood to the heart, silver to the neck.

[laughing]

[Audrey continues laughing]

[in Spanish] Your last bullet, cabrón?

[hisses]

[exhales]

[sound muffles]

[heart beating]

[in English] No!

[metallic twang]

[in Spanish] Fucking pool boy.

[in English] The best.

Y'all good?

[panting]

Works every time.

Let's go.

[wire whirring]

Come on, babe. Let's go.

All right.

-Hey. Where's Seth? -Hey.

-Whoa! -No, no, no. Babe, babe, no.

They're the good vampires.

That's my girl Heather. That's my guy Seth.

-Hey.

Whose arm is that?

Oh. Sorry.

But, Bud… got my first pair of fangs.

Whoa.

That's big money right there.

-Guess what? -What's that?

I didn't pee myself this time.

-Get out. -Vampires don't pee or poop.

Nah, they don't.

-Please let me have this little victory. -Of course you can. C'mon. Let's go.

Do they really not pee or poop?

-Does that mean they're full of shit? -[Bud] Language!

[emotional music playing]

[Bud] Big John.

I'll miss you, baby.

Oh, no.

Go ahead. Come on.

It's got good energy in that.

All right.

We were hiding right over there. Right over there.

Jablonski!

Seeger? What the hell you doing, walking all fast like that?

New shoe boots on.

And you. What are you, sick?

-Uh, pink eye. -What?

It's when poo particles get in your eye.

Where's Big John?

[sighs]

Oh goddamn it!

I did you a solid.

But now you have graciously returned the favor

because after the shit you pulled here tonight,

I'll never have to deal with you again.

For starters,

flagrantly violating code 682, operating outside of your shift.

Actually, sir, if I may.

Code 741 states that, "If a hunter is in a 911 situation,

he may circumvent normal operating hours

so long as he notifies the Union before entering," which he did.

Thank you. Thank you for that.

There's also code 584, unlawful termination of familiars

without prior authorization.

Yes, sir, that is correct, but Section 4 states,

"When fired on, a hunter is lawfully allowed to return fire,"

which is what happened here.

Code 424, "A Union hunter must make all reasonable efforts

to limit collateral damage to property while engaging in a hunt."

Boom!

-Sir, code 42-- -I got this.

Code 424 was rescinded by the national office in January.

Boom. Boom.

-Someone's been reading. -Saw it in the newsletter.

Yeah. I see what's going on here.

Uh-huh.

Loopholes.

Think you're smarter than me?

Then you can probably spell "traitor."

Sure.

T-R-A-I-T-O-R. What was the point of that?

Carol's keeping her fucking desk.

Good! She can have it.

I'm a field man now! Mowing down vamps with my best friend Bud.

[Bud chuckles]

-That felt good. [laughs] -You did that.

Wait. Shit. What are you gonna do about the money?

-Oh, I'm good. -[rattles]

Think I'm gonna be all right.

And, uh…

fuck Carol.

Hey, should I drink Carol?

No, no, that's a lot of cholesterol.

Right, okay.

I won't go out of my way, but if, like, there's a chance encounter

outside her house at night or…

-Yeah. Later. -See you, guys!

-Bye. -See you, guys.

What about us?

What about us?

I was thinking, what if we tried this whole, you know,

stay on the same groove type thing.

You know, me cooking breakfast. You know?

How about we take it one day at a time, but no more lies.

After what we've seen tonight, there is no reason to lie.

So I ask you a question, and you give me a straight answer.

I can live under those terms, you know.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't think we're there yet.

Mm-hmm. You just gonna leave me like this?

[kisses]

Mmm. Jump back, want to kiss myself.

[Paige] I'm gonna be a vampire hunter too.

[Bud] Uh…

-[Bud] No. -[Joss] No.

-[Paige] Daddy, why do you call me Pickle? -[Bud] Because that's what you are, baby.

Sometimes you're a sweet pickle, sometimes you're a sour pickle,

and sometimes you're a salty pickle.

[Paige] I love you, Daddy.

[dog barking in distance]

That's what I love about LA.

All the damn vampires.

["Outside The Box" by Snoop Dogg playing]

♪ Every time I turn around Every time they hear my sound ♪

♪ They get me all up underground Still inside the box ♪

♪ Fuck what they say, just be The Black folk like it, it's a hit ♪

♪ How can this true gangster shit Be still outside the box? ♪

♪ We came from a place Where our hearts are pure ♪

♪ People wanna know What we're marchin' for ♪

♪ Grouped up, scooped up all my pals ♪

♪ Flavor for days, so much style They can't even put it in a box now ♪

♪ Stepped out, gator smile, wait a while ♪

♪ "Excuse me, Snoopy Can we get a flick?" ♪

♪ I ain't really trippin', Go on, take that shit ♪

♪ What? It's really gon' be 'bout gettin' love ♪

♪ And that's only 'cause I give love ♪

♪ I stand up for it, I manned up for it Like a brother 'posed to ♪

♪ Went through, go through Goin' through, knowin' you ♪

♪ Showin' you, flowin' to And the mental to grow into ♪

♪ Let bygones be bygones So you can be an icon like I've done ♪

♪ Every time I turn around Every time they hear my sound ♪

♪ They get me all up underground Still inside the box ♪

♪ Own it like I want it, that's 24-7 ♪

♪ Me and my dawgs On the highway to heaven ♪

♪ Just put a Funko in 7-11 ♪

♪ It's a trifecta Me, Jasmine, and Kevin ♪

♪ Built a massive team That's passion themed ♪

♪ Do it for the love On top there's the cream ♪

♪ I do it 'til I did that, get enough ♪

♪ Run it up, rake enough Make enough to give back ♪

♪ What? It's really gon' be 'bout gettin' love ♪

♪ And that's only 'cause I give love ♪

♪ I stand up for it, I manned up for it Still outside the box ♪

♪ Mowing down vamps With my best friend Bud ♪

♪ Hit me ♪

[electronic dance music playing]

♪ Mowing down vamps With my best friend Bud ♪

♪ Hit me ♪

♪ Best friend Bud With my best friend Bud ♪

♪ Bud, Bud, Bud, Bud, Bud, Bud, Bud ♪

♪ Mowing down vamps With my best friend Bud ♪

♪ Hit me ♪

♪ Mowing down vamps With my best friend Bud ♪

♪ Hit me ♪

♪ Hey, I think I just missed my flight Privé Revaux to see through the lights ♪

♪ I'mma need some Advil and Pedialyte ♪

♪ 'Cause we've been on champagne All damn night ♪

♪ Whoo! It's a masquerade Came 30 deep in the Escalade ♪

♪ Then I told her She better bring her friends ♪

♪ I'm stuck in the middle Like Malcolm again ♪

♪ Whoo! That's my best friend Whoo! No wedding ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ But if I did Then Bud would have to be my best man ♪

♪ Hit me ♪

♪ Mowing down vamps With my best friend Bud ♪

♪ Hit me ♪

♪ Mowing down vamps With my best friend Bud ♪

♪ Hit me ♪

[ominous music playing]

[music ends]