Original subtitles

Lips,

you made me drop everything

just to come see this?

It's bad, right?

No, not at all.

I've seen this almost one times before.

Today, it's graffiti.

Tomorrow, total gang war.

Why do you think this will turn into a gang problem?

- Well, Rose, the writing's on-- - (phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

- It's work. - Oh, man.

- Let me say that again. - Say what again?

I had the best line, like in one of those cop shows.

- Say the gang thing again. - I've got shit to do, Lips.

Just say it again.

(sighing)

Then, can I go?

Hurry. My knees hurt.

Oh, for fuck's sakes. Okay,

why do you think this will turn into a gang problem?

Well, Rose, the writing's on--

♪ Yes, I can love you baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

Breaking news.

A rather unsavoury word has been written on a wall

right here in Grouse Lake.

For professionalism's sake, I won't repeat it.

But the word is 'weenuk',

which means 'balls' or 'dick' or the general junk area.

We urge all residents to close your eyes

when driving by Elmer's Shed or risk being slightly offended.

In other news, the lagoon is full,

so hold your deuces until further notice.

Paul: Ma! B'eb! PJ?

Stephen Harper (in Paul's mind:) "Dearest Paul, we're all out.

"The house is all yours.

"I just waxed the floor, "so please don't wear

"the new socks I just bought you.

"Love-- I mean no. Like--

"no, I mean, love, yeah, Stephen Harper."

Fuck you, Stephen Harper.

Time to fuck around with my fuck around time.

♪

(groaning)

Help!

(rock music playing on stereo)

- Hey. - (rock music playing on stereo)

- Excuse me. - (rock music playing on stereo)

Come on, man. I'm almost done.

I really need to pay for these.

(rock music playing on stereo)

The song hasn't even peaked yet, bro.

Fine. I'll go to the North store.

- (music stopping) - Can't you just ask her?

I tried her, man.

Fine. You're paying for your groceries.

- You happy now? - Yeah.

Real happy.

(rock music playing on stereo)

♪ But I just can't stay away ♪

Oww! Why isn't anyone helping me?

Paul, are you okay?

No, I'm not okay. Do I look okay?

I heard you crying from across the Rez.

- Here, let me get you up. - No!

Don't touch me with your dweeb hands.

But I need to get you to the nursing station.

I need Rose. She fixes everything.

You need medical attention.

You're just gonna get me to take my shirt off

and try to touch my body.

It's a normal medical practice.

Sorry, Dr. Pervert.

Rose is the only one that understands my pain,

her and Fats Domino.

Okay. But how am I supposed to get you up if you won't move?

You're the one that went to medication school;

you figure it out.

- (wheels squeaking) - Hurry up, man!

It hurts!

(straining)

- There you are. - (gasping)

Fuck, Lips.

If we don't get on this graffiti thing,

it's going to get serious.

(sighing) Give it up, Lips.

First, it's the weenuk graffiti.

Then, moose tipping.

Next, RoboCop 3.

This is the Rez.

We have like three computers... combined.

That's what they said on RoboCop 2

before RoboCop 3 happened.

We don't have a gang problem.

- Yet. - What do you wanna do about it?

We need to find

the biggest, scariest, former gang member,

bring them in, and scare these kids straight.

And where are we going to find that?

Right here.

You probably heard of the Southside Crazies.

And if you haven't, let me refresh your memory.

We were the baddest broads, completely lawless.

The whole Rez was terrified and we loved it.

- Whoa. - If my gang life

can steer even one youth towards a better future,

then it's worth it.

Well, we do have some extra money in the budget

for outreach.

It won't be easy, but I'll dust off the leathers

and round up the gang.

All right, Schlub Club. Both of you want the job,

but only one of you are going to get it.

You,

didn't I tell you to go fuck yourself three years ago?

- Yeah, man. - Well, did you do it?

- Yeah, man. - Good.

You're in the lead. Now, listen up.

If you're a button-down, corn-fed, uptight,

marshmallow motherfucker, then go to the North Store.

- (door opening) - This is the Yeah Man.

(door closing)

Didn't expect to see you here.

Sorry I'm late. I slept in.

Late, huh?

Shows no initiative...

which actually takes initiative.

I like that.

All right,

let's see what you got.

What are you waiting for? Clean up!

Right away!

(beeping)

Hard work don't pay,

but it keeps you out of my way.

B'eb!

(breathing heavily)

Why are you in our bed?

I fell. Help!

I'm working.

I told him to come to the nursing station.

Just do what the nurse says.

He's not a nurse. He's a pervert.

Nurses aren't perverts.

Thanks, Rose.

He keeps saying that, and it hurts my feelings.

Shut up, Logan! I'm the one that's hurt!

Just do what Logan says, and you'll be fine.

So, you don't want to help me?

Paul, I love you, but you have help and I'm working.

Logan, take him to the nursing station.

Fine, but I gotta make a couple stops first.

And all of this you pulling me around is making me thirsty.

And watch out for all the bumps, man.

I'm getting car sick.

(straining)

I'm not here to point fingers at you,

and especially you,

even though we know you did it.

But this crime wave has got to stop,

which is why we brought in the Southside Crazies.

They're hardened ex-gang members,

and they're going to scare you straight.

(rock music playing on stereo)

All: A-ha!

We're gonna have to dig deep.

See this scar?

I got it from a card game gone wrong.

What happened? Were you cheating?

Paper cut.

New deck of cards. I was reckless.

Now, I have to live with this scar for the rest of my life.

Uh... (clearing throat)

Why don't you tell the kids about one of your deadly crimes?

You want deadly, eh?

I remember this one time,

it was about 7 p.m.

The devil's hour!

Rita: Ningii-baapa'igemin biiwide oshkwaandeming.

Guess what?

Right before they answered, we ran away.

Hilda: On purpose!

Twice!

Wow. Goosebumps.

Forget this.

We're just cleaning the store for you 'cause you're lazy.

Uh, no.

Actually, this is a test.

Yeah, sure it is. I'm outta here.

Slacker: Yeah, man. More like weird guy.

Well, go fuck yourselves then.

So, do I get the job?

Your training has just begun.

Meet me at the river...

...for phase one.

(electronic beeping)

(electronic beeping continues)

Logan: You know, you shouldn't eat those.

And yet, here we are.

Okay, well...

So, the good news is, the x-rays show that your back

and your ankle, they're both fine.

You're right. This is good news.

But... Oh.

Your cholesterol is dangerously high.

Isn't that the shit they put in margarine?

Paul, your blood is basically gravy.

Ah, I don't mean that in a good way.

Nurse Logan, what are you trying to say, man?

I'm saying a little diet,

a little exercise, you know?

You'll be better than ever.

Oh, a little diet, a little exercise, you say?

Yes.

I've heard enough! Take me home!

You're actually fine. You can totally walk.

You won't take me? Ha! Fine!

Aah!

You called?

Yes, sir. Are you a fan of $50?

Actually, yeah. Yeah, I am.

Good! You're my new Nurse Logan.

Take me home immediately!

Sorry, Logan.

This guy goes where the money flows.

Bye-bye. (cackling)

- Hey, Leon, what's up? - You're late, man.

For what?

You said "meet me by the river, phase one."

But am I late or...

do you lack the wisdom to know what I was doing?

So, you did forget.

No. The first test was patience

and you clearly didn't pass.

For real, fuck?

For real, fuck. But that's okay.

The next test... begins now.

Where we going?

Uh...

Phase 2.

All right, that's it!

I'm fucking done, bro.

It's like you gained weight since we started.

What do you mean you're fucking done?

The deal was to wheel me home!

No chance, man. Where's my $50?

No completion, no cash, dumb guy.

Logan: Oh, there you are.

Oh, hey, look who it is, my favourite neestow!

Hey, you want to make 50 bucks?

You can't keep living the way you are, Paul.

That sounds like a challenge, man.

See those kids over there, playing with their dads?

They're so fun, so free.

So connected. What's it to you?

That could be you and PJ,

but only if you make some changes.

And you're willing to help me?

I'll make it my mission.

Okay, fine, but wheel me into the shade first.

I'm starting to get hot

and my belly's starting to sweat a little bit.

Okay. Ready...

(straining)

And then, when Mrs. Harper got on the phone,

we hung up.

Didn't even think twice about it.

God, that's cold.

The first time we did it, it really messed me up.

But after a while,

I just did it for the thrill.

Maanoo, niiji'kwe. We were all different then.

You're brave for sharing that.

Gilda... you're hurting me.

Okay, let's take a break.

I think you need some time to recover.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Okay, come.

Okay, no offense,

but your stories are kind of undeadly.

Wegonen?

Yeah. Prank calls? Fart noises? Staying up past your bedtime?

We rode our bikes without helmets once.

I'm worried that we're losing them.

Gego waanendagen.

We'll crank it up a notch,

really scare these little assholes straight.

(inhaling sharply) Behold, phase two.

We look ridiculous, bro.

What you're feeling is humility.

That is what water karate has taught me

and what I am going to teach you.

I learned karate in jail, bro.

And trust me, there was no water.

You think this is stupid, eh?

Knock it off; it's cold!

Dean?

Dean: Relax your mind, Cousin Leon.

Feel the water.

This is where we're born, where we return,

and what we make sweet red juice with.

Where are you?

Dean: This is a time of cleansing.

Fight me, and wash your old self away.

The fuck?!

Good! You're becoming one with the water.

I'm ready to learn.

Then... show me.

Oh!

(both making karate noises)

I don't think we should be watching this, bro.

(both making karate noises)

Okay, let's do some stretches.

You wanna feel it right here.

♪

The next step is forgiveness.

How's this going to help me work in your store?

Knock on that door and find out.

You're freaking me out, man.

To enter Yeah Man, you must be free of your past.

Is this a cult or a part-time job?

(knocking)

What the fuck are you doing here?

Nicky!

Remember, seek forgiveness and you shall be free.

Whatever, Dean. I ought to pop you one

right in the lie hole.

- Um... - The nerve...

to just shack up and then ghost me like that.

I was gonna leave a note.

A note?

You stole my washing machine.

And you left a dead crow in my freezer.

Look, I want to say sorr--

Sorr...

(exhaling sharply, clearing throat)

Sor...

...ry.

And?

I'll get you a new washing machine?

And?

Take the crow out of your freezer?

Okay, fine.

Now, take a long walk off a short dock.

Phase three is complete.

One time,

we knocked over a credit union

with nothing but nylons on our heads

and a bag of homemade bricks.

We robbed a casino

and we doubled the money at the slots on the way out.

We had so much zhooniyaa,

we had to stash it in a hollowed-out moose.

It was nothing but fancy clothes and fast cars.

Diamond bracelets and gold bars.

Money stacking all night.

We were living large.

Oh, yeah. Crime really does pay.

I didn't even want to be in a gang before,

but now that's all I want.

Aaniish dash iwe?

You have now entered phase four.

Fuckin' weirdo.

(door opening, closing)

Help!

Beanpole twisted her ankle hauling water jugs.

Shit, let's go!

Hurry up!

(breathing heavily)

Okay, nice try.

Nice try, what?

I leave the store alone and fail phase four?

Beanpole's stuck in the mud?

That Dean, he was nuts with the water karate, but this is good.

Jesus, boy!

Sorry, Gramps, I got a store to look after.

(breathing heavily) Ahh!

And that's how you pass a fuckin' test.

'Boom' goes the explosion!

All right, then, phase four, piñata time.

- But I just passed phase four. - What?

Gramps came in, begging me to help Beanpole, but I stayed put.

No, man, phase four's a party.

We're gonna bust open a piñata.

- So, I got the job? - Yeah, man.

Um, should we go save beanpole?

We'll get there.

Let's see what's inside this thing first.

Ha-ha!

That's it. I can't do this!

You were supposed to follow along.

- I did! - For like two seconds.

This was the closest

I've ever been to even thinking about working out.

I'm sorry.

I know I said I'd help you, but I can't.

I quit.

Man, we were so close.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I am just... a terrible, perverted nurse.

Hey, man, take a look over there.

Tell me, what do you see?

(nurses chattering happily)

Some nurses, playing in the park.

And don't you want to be just like them?

So fun.

So free.

Yeah! I do!

I don't know what I was thinking! I'm sorry!

- Paul: Ha-ha! - Of course I do.

Yeah, there's my nurse!

Now, pull me to the store!

I want to celebrate with some chips and some Bepsi.

You're impossible.

Actually, make it two Bepsis

on the account of all the exercising you did.

Did you get that? Nurse Logan? Logan!

So, where do I go to join a gang?

Do you have to sign up?

I want it so bad.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think what the Crazies

meant to say is that crime doesn't pay, right?

I'll say what you want for the right price.

My gangster name's gonna be Jimmy Calzones.

I wanna be Jimmy Calzones.

Nobody's gonna be a Calzone.

You wanna know what the gang life is really like? Hmm?

I was deep in it.

Gigii-ayaa?

Yeah, big time.

What was your gang name?

Oh. Uh... Tony Capone.

Both: Cool.

No, it's not cool.

That's the point. (exhaling sharply)

See this arm? Fake.

Lost it in a machete fight over a scratch ticket.

I've been in and out of jail so many times,

they named a wing after me,

the, uh, Tony Capone wing.

Onishin!

And I almost let

that life get the best of me,

the-- the shootings and the robbings

and the, uh-- the murderings.

- Then, what? - And then, I met Paul,

the love of my life.

Wait. So, you're saying,

if we join a gang, we might end up with someone like Paul?

Doesn't he wash his jeet in the sink?

Okay, that was one and a half times.

Forget it.

Let's go, Blue.

A life of crime is no life for me.

Gigii-doodaamin!

Can't even tell the difference.

(breathing heavily)

Oh, you really just gave up on me, eh?

After everything we just been through!

- How dare you? - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

How did you get here?

Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

And since you do, I walked.

So, I got you to exercise?

Oh, don't try and change the subject, my friend.

Walking is exercise.

Even if it's angry walking?

Any walking. The point is,

you just made your first steps to becoming healthier,

and I inspired you to do it.

- Why are you making that face? - Just-- just a hug.

No!

Everyone knows that hugs are just a gateway

for you to ask me to take off my shirt. Hmph!

You're walking. You're still walking!

(door closing)

Ah, I did that.

All right, man, takin' off early.

Water karate time. Let's go.

Wait. Is this another test?

No test, bro. You already passed.

We're just gonna shut the store down and go splash fight?

Yeah, man. I do it all the time.

Look.

For real? In the middle of the day?

But we've got work to do.

I'm sorry.

Are you some kind of...

button-down, corn-fed, uptight, marshmallow motherfucker?

Let's fucking go, bro!

All right!

(door opening)

(door closing)

Hello?

Hello?

I'm still here.

Oh...

I always dreamed of something like this.

♪ All my life ♪

♪ On my own! ♪

♪ Messin' around when I could be at home ♪

♪ Every damn night ♪

♪ It's all the same ♪

♪ Won't be long before I'm back again ♪

♪ But I just can't stay away! ♪

♪ Not when the sun is on my chest ♪

♪ No, I just can't stay away ♪