All language subtitles for Alls.Fair.2025.S01E01.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL

Oh, my God,
I cannot believe that just happened.

Okay, calm down.

Did you hear
what that asshole said?

"Children should be seen and not heard."

He meant us.
Who the fuck does he think he is?

Um, senior managing partner.

They were laughing in our faces.

They don't care.

They don't take divorce law
or women seriously.

I'm telling you, it is time.

It is.

-How do we do it?
-How do you do what?

I realized you wanted
to leave the firm

before you even realized it,
four months ago.

And she said,
"That's not your elbow."

I've seen your faces in those meetings.

I was the token woman here for a decade.

Why did you stay?

I broke down barriers to get here,
to make full partner.

Until I hired you,
I was the only woman here.

But now is a different time.

All I ask
is that you start your own firm.

You don't go somewhere else
in this building.

That's what we want.
Our own boutique.

Women representing women, only.

Yes!

You both are an idea
whose time has come.

You can take one person with you.

A staff member or a lawyer,
not a client.

Be quiet while I'm talking

and tell your two brothers
I said to shut up too.

Until I find out which one
of you degenerates wrote

on my couch with a sharpie,

all three of y'all asses
is sleeping on the lawn.

You understand me?

H-hold on.

Hi, can I help you?

We're leaving to start our own firm,

and we want you to be
our lead investigator.

Let Mommy call you back.

Is Dina firing me?
I-I do a good job.

You're amazing.
That's why we need you.

But I got a good thing going here.

I got bills, a...

And eight-year-old triplet boys

that you were just
cussing out on the phone?

They're monsters.

We'll make you full partner

and a multimillionaire
within two years.

Let me get my purse.

You're leaving?

Not everyone knows.

Well, Emerald knows!

I have the most billable hours,
taken on the most cases,

I've put in the work,
and you know it.

Why can't you choose me? Why?

Because you've never learned
to be human or navigate space

-between what you want and...
-How much you want it.

Also, you routinely steal
our lunches from the refrigerator.

Okay. Look, I'll write everyone's briefs.

Just don't leave me here
with America's original pilgrim

and her fucking Puritan partners.

Okay. You know what?

Never mind, Kuz McGee's.

Dina will destroy you if you leave.

Dina already gave us her blessing.

Good luck.

I'm your fucking protégé!
I'm the hardest worker!

The smartest fucking A student!

And I'm the one they're abandoning?

That's a gift from Golda Meir.

Do you know what Golda
is famous for saying?

"Not being beautiful
was the true blessing.

It forced me to develop
my inner resources."

Are you calling me an ugly duckling?

So what if I give myself home perms?

It's economical! Fuck you!

Carr, being angry is easy.

Figuring out who you want to be
and how to be it,

that's the work to do
if you want to be chosen.

I will start my own law firm.

I will walk out of here.

And I'll pack you
a lunch with an apple

and some Pepperidge Farm goldfish.

Grow up, Carr. It's time.

Having me as an enemy is very unwise.

You are all about to find out
what that's like.

♪ Back on the road again,
feeling kinda lonely ♪

♪ And looking for the right guy
who'd be mine ♪

♪ Friends say I'm crazy
'cause easily I fall in love ♪

♪ "You gotta do it different,
J, this time" ♪

♪ Maybe we'll meet at a bar,
he'll drive a funky car ♪

♪ Maybe we'll meet at a club
and fall so deeply in love ♪

♪ He'll tell me I'm the one
and we'll have so much fun ♪

♪ I'll be the girl
of his dreams, maybe ♪

♪ Alright, maybe gonna find him today ♪

♪ I gotta get someone
to call my lover ♪

♪ Yeah, baby, come on ♪

♪ Alright, baby,
come and pass my way ♪

♪ I gotta get someone... ♪

-He's en route, Ms. Grant.
-Thank you, Sonny.

Looking good, Danny.

Dinner in an hour? Thank you.

♪ I spoil them when I'm in love,
givin' them what they dream of ♪

♪ Sometimes it's not a good thing,
but I'm blind ♪

♪ I love hard with everything,
givin' my all more than they ♪

♪ I'll take my friends' advice this time,
I'll do it differently ♪

♪ Alright, baby,
come and pass my way ♪

♪ I gotta get someone to call my lover,
yeah, baby, come on ♪

Hi, you're late.

Oh, shit. What did I forget?

Baby, I'm sorry.
I just got off...

Are you really telling me
you don't know what today is?

Well, I know it's not your birthday

'cause that's November 9th.

It's our anniversary, Chase.

Fuck me raw! Baby...

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Baby, I...

It's football season,

and you know I lose track of time
during football season. I'm so sorry.

Aren't you glad I have a healthy ego?

If not, I'd take this personally.

Baby, I hate myself...

for not giving you this this morning.

Open it.

Oh, my God.

Didn't this belong to Elizabeth Taylor?

Mm-hmm.
I know how much you love her,

even though I have no idea who she is.

Doesn't compare to how much I love you.

Oh, my God.

Happy anniversary, baby.

Come to Daddy.

Miss Allura is not
the only one celebrating

an anniversary this week.

I need a latte
'cause y'all know I love a toast.

Ten years ago today,
we stepped away from the patriarchy

and towards something of our own.

Thank you. Now, look at us.

Grant, Ronson, and Greene.

A decade strong.

Cheers to that, ladies.

-Cheers to that!
-We built a frickin' empire.

Ten years, three women, one verdict.

Un-fucking-stoppable.

-To us.
-To us!

To us. Wait a second.

Is that a new ring,
or are you signaling an aircraft?

Ooh, let me see.

Chase gave it to me.

-He pretended to forget our fifth.
-Oh, my God.

And then he just handed it to me
like it was no big deal.

Ooh! I don't know
what you did to deserve it,

but girl, I hope it was fun.

Oh, it was.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

-Do tell.
-Okay, back to us.

Your favorite case
of the past 10 years. Go.

Oh, okay.
Uh... No, that's easy: Sheik Wallid.

Getting him to fork over
a cool billion to his English ex

after he threatened
to behead her for cheating.

Helped us start our charitable fund
for abused women.

Over to you, Em.

Oh, that's easy: Latanya Bailey.

Media mogul divorced his wife

because he found out
she didn't finish high school.

She was able to cash out so big

that she has a Princeton science wing
with her name on it.

That, girls, is a teachable moment.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, my favorite case
will always be the next case.

-Ah!
-I knew you were gonna say that.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

Okay, something just came in for you all.

What the fuck is that?

Before we get excited
and start chomping down,

you might want to read this note.

There's only one other person
this day means something to.

Mm, and that would be
Miss Carrington Lane.

The one and only.
"Dear backstabbing bitches,

"Ten years ago you left me to rot.

"Since then,
I've out-billed you three skanks

"and made the top 100 so often,

"they should name
the goddamn list after me.

"Meanwhile, you've kept
your pathetic firm alive...

"...with fake buzzwords like 'feminism'

"and industrial-strength Spanx.

"So, in honor of your big milestone,

"I present you with a fruit basket.

"Organic and lightly brushed
with salmonella and fecal matter.

"Eat a melon ball,
and then maybe you can all give

"the Ozempic you're mainlining a rest,
you fat, treacherous lawn chairs.

"Fuck all the way off, douche bags.

"Fuck you, you fucking fucks!

Carr."

Lawn chairs?

Here is to 10 more years

of making Carr lose her goddamn mind.

Mm. And that, my friends,

is the perfect segue to our next client.

Let's review her case, shall we?

Milan, you're still taking
the bar this spring?

-Yes.
-Okay, sit in.

You're one of the girls now.

-Yeah, come on.
-Come on.

Okay, Grace Henry.

She moved to Hollywood
with dreams of becoming an actress

until she landed the role of a lifetime

that wasn't exactly the role
she planned for.

Can you guess what that role is?

A trophy wife.

-Correct.
-Ding, ding, ding.

Lionel Lee.

Titan of the tech world.

First, he rolled out the red carpet:

diamonds, pearls, planes, oh my.

Love bombing.

Then kaboom. The dust settles,

and the fantasy turns into a nightmare.

Prenup like a straitjacket.

If she left, she got
the clothes on her back,

and that's it,
according to this document.

She was a kept woman,
not allowed to leave her house,

forced to give up all of her dreams,

forced to give up her friends and family,

and now all she wants is out.

He's worth billions, and yet
her settlement request is minimal.

Something smells funky.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

There's more to this story.
I think she's withholding.

No, literally, something smells funky.

I think Carr might have
actually shit on this thing.

-Oh, my God!
-Okay, okay.

-Y'all don't smell that?
-And on that note,

we are going to toss this.

Okay, this weekend, we're studying:

flashcards and mimosas.

Okay.

-Ugh.
-Oh. Flashcards.

-Go, go.
-Mimosas.

-Edibles in the trash.
-In the trash.

Grace, I know you're brokenhearted,

but girl, you look damn good.

Come on, gloves.

You're the best divorce lawyers in town,

maybe the whole country.

That's why I wrote you.
I've had enough.

I just want him to sign
the divorce agreement,

which he says he won't do,
and go on with my life.

While supporting yourself
on ramen noodles?

No. You need more than that.

Grace, we're interested in your case,

but the settlement
you're asking for is a pittance.

A drive-through attorney can handle this.

What's really going on, baby?

It's all I deserve.

Lionel has proclivities...
sexual fantasies.

It was clear from the start
that I wasn't enough for him,

so he brought in a third.

Emma.

That's gotta be painful,

seeing your partner
lust after someone else.

Yeah, it will be for him.

Uh, you and...

Emma and I fell in love.

She's everything to me.
She's given me back myself.

I just...

I feel so guilty.

Ashamed, even. I-I just...

Whoa, Grace.
He Rapunzel'd your ass.

He locked you up in the tower,
had you get it on

with a stranger for his viewing pleasure,

and you and said stranger fall in love.

It's called karma.

Lionel will be furious.

He's wolf-like in his possessiveness.

And we are Mama Grizzlies.
You let us worry about the wolf,

while you worry about
coming up with a number

that accurately reflects what he owes you

after a lifetime of service
to his goddamn dreams.

And may I suggest,
each time a memory comes up

where you have to reach
for that handkerchief...

Add a zero.

Thank you.

Liberty Ronson.

Liberty, you have to help me.

Sorry, who is this?

I'm under siege, Liberty.

-Sheila!
-I need your help.

Well, whoever you are,
just, uh, tell me, are you safe?

No, I am not
by any definition safe.

What the fuck?

Ms. Ronson, I need your help.

-The Barbarians are at the gates.
-Sheila!

-Open the goddamn door!
-Orleans is surrounded.

Sorry, wh-where are you?
Which Orleans? New or Cape Cod?

-No, no, no, New York!
-Sheila, open up!

I need a California lawyer.

That's where we were married.

We still have the house in Montecito,
which is where

we live half the time
when we're not living in New York.

-Sheila!
-Alright, just stay calm, breathe.

Everything's gonna be alright.
Just tell me what's going on.

What's going on is that my husband

bought himself a Rembrandt,

and he wants nothing
in the house but the painting.

Nothing, including me.

So, he wants a divorce
because he bought a Rembrandt. Why?

Over a, a, a small flirtation.
Innocent.

-Okay, I need your name.
-Sheila Baskin.

Sheila Baskin.

Your husband's Theodore Baskin
of Theo B. Inc.,

the guy who owns cosmetics,
like all of cosmetics?

-Sheila...
-I will shoot! I'll shoot!

-Please don't shoot anyone. Get the plane.
-...fucking rights. I will shoot.

I haven't got a gun.
I haven't got anything.

And I know when I walk out that door,
I really won't have a thing.

So I'm standing my ground.
I locked him out.

Okay, I get it, Sheila.
I get who you are.

I've seen you
in the style section for years now.

You've got good taste, babe.

Thank you. I'm under attack
by a billionaire mugger

-with a fetish for Dutch masters.
-Sheila, open up!

But thank you very much
for the compliment.

Okay, listen to me.
You've got good taste in jewelry.

Now, those fucking jewels,
they're your meal ticket.

Where are they?
Where are they now?

In my safe, in my dressing room,
off the bedroom, in here.

Stay right where you are,
text me your address,

and I'll be on the next plane.

Will you have wine, Miss Ronson?

Uh, no, but the Petrus
on the way back

and some of those
Mister Chow noodles, please.

Hello, I'm here to see Mrs. Baskin.

She's expecting me.
Liberty Ronson.

Sorry. I was given specific instructions
that she is not to be disturbed.

Listen, I don't care
what her husband told you

or how much he's promised to stuff
in your Christmas stocking,

so unless you have a court order
signed by a judge blocking my entry,

I suggest you cooperate

or I could call 911 right now
and have you arrested

for kidnapping,
or perhaps, sex trafficking.

You see, my flight was turbulent
and so is my mood.

So what will it be?

She's not getting shit, okay?
Read the goddamn prenup.

Not the paintings,
not the crocodile Birkin bags,

not the Benz.

Next time she needs
to go somewhere,

she could take the fucking subway.

You must be Mr. Baskin.
I'm Liberty Ronson.

You want some evidence, Liberty Ronson?
There's your goddamned evidence. Page Six.

For the whole world to see.

She had to pick the chef
at Le Bernardin. The chef.

Not only is he half her age,

but now I can't even walk
into the damn place.

I loved the damn fish.
It was perfect.

Well, it is New York City,
which is an island,

so it's safe to assume there are
plenty of other fish in the sea.

Fuck the fish.

It's there in the prenup
in black and white.

If she ever cheated or caused me
any form of public humiliation,

she would be out on her ass.

Mm. Well, last I checked, uh,

"out on her ass" isn't exactly
legally binding terminology,

so if you'll excuse me,
I do have an appointment with your wife.

On the second floor, is it?
Yes, thanks.

Out of my way, bubbie.

-Oh.
-Hi.

-Have a seat.
-Oh, yes.

Gosh.

Forgive the mess.
My maid, Rana, is terrified.

Asshole says if he catches her
smuggling me food again,

he's going to have her shipped
back to her shithole country,

and he means it too.

Mm.

How did I let this happen to me?

It happens to the best of us,
but I'm here to help.

Now show me the bling.

There they are.
A treasure trove of "sorry."

-Hoo.
-Hmm.

"Sorry I missed our anniversary."

"Sorry I missed your birthday."

Mmm.

Oh.

"Sorry, I missed your MRI."

-Mm.
-Well?

Forgive me.
I thought there'd be a few pieces,

but I wasn't exactly expecting
Ali Baba's cave.

-May I?
-Oh, yes, please, please.

-Verdura?
-Yes.

-Oh!
-You knew!

-I knew it.
-Yes.

Divine.

-And Fred Leighton?
-Yes.

Oh, gorgeous.

Right.

Oh, Jacob & Co.

-Yes.
-Oh, hello, beauty.

-Oh, God, that's lovely.
-Yes. Yeah, beautiful.

-Yes, that would be hard to part with.
-That looks good on you.

Jesus, Sheila, it's quite something.

Yes, well, he won't let me take
any of this stuff.

What? No, no, it's not his choice.

If these were gifted to you
during the course of your marriage,

then they belong to you.

-Personal property.
-What?

And they'll get you a sale
at Christie's and a new life.

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God. How...

How much do you think
I could get from said sale?

I-I get nothing but that money.

Forty million.

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

So I won't starve now?

You will not starve.

Let's get those Goyard travel cases
and start stuffing.

Lionel Lee,
husband of Grace Henry.

What you got, queen?

The tea is piping hot.

I did my initial sweep,
then I did a secondary sweep,

then a third, then a fourth.

I looked behind firewalls.

I looked behind the firewalls
behind the firewalls

to unearth everything there is
to unearth about Mr. Lionel Lee.

And in the end, I came up
with something marvelously juicy:

nothing at all.

Which is my favorite thing to find,

because nothing always means something,

a secret with a capital "S."

A secret you can only uncover
the old-fashioned way.

I'm guessing you followed the fucker.

Girl, you know why they call me
The Big Dick.

I trailed him for weeks,

looking for anything
that was inconsistent.

This is Inland Acupuncture
and Traditional Medicines,

owned by Devin Elisa Samartino.

She has a credit score of 815.
The girl pays her taxes on time.

However, she spends
an exorbitant amount of money

at an online retailer called
Xtreme Bondage.

-She's a dominatrix.
-Boom.

I kind of love that for her. Well done.

Well, this information is, as usual...

Unusable. I know the drill.

Unusable in court, yes,
but what we have here is knowledge,

and knowledge is the key in the lock.

All we have to do
is turn it just the right way.

Well, I have done my part, girlfriend.

Now, you do yours.

Let's put the fucking "team" in "teamwork"
and get this bastard.

Stop! Both of you,
before I call the police.

I want to see just what it is
that you're stealing.

Mr. Baskin, I assure you,

we're simply removing
her personal property

from the premises, alright?

What personal property?

I gave her everything she owns.

Yes, and you've been exceedingly generous,

but according to California law,

where I know you were legally married,

gifts received during the marriage

become the separate property
of the recipient.

So, no takesies backsies,
in other words.

Our business is done,
so if you'll excuse us.

You should have just taken a knife

and stabbed me through the heart.

I never once cheated on you.

Did you ever really love me?

He wasn't even attractive.

I only slept with him
because of the way he looked at me.

Like the way you used to look at me,

once upon a time.

God...

how I miss that.

And yes...

I did love you once.

But not now.

I do continue to love
your taste in jewelry, however.

Have a good one, babe.

Mwah!

Emerald get you up to speed?

Yes, she did. A dominatrix.

Why is it that rich men
are always so bloody predictable?

Always.

From cocktails to cock rings,
all in one 24-hour period.

God, I love my job.

♪ Yeah, 'cause girls is players too ♪

♪ Uh, yeah, yeah,
'cause girls is players too ♪

♪ Keep it player, baby ♪

♪ 'Cause girls is players too ♪

We're here to see Devin Samartino.

I'm sorry, she's not available.

Would you like to book a salt scrub?

Okay, too well-dressed to be cops.

Jealous wives rarely come in pairs.

You must be lawyers.

I'm Liberty Ronson,
and this is my partner, Allura Grant.

Grant, Ronson, Greene.
I'm familiar.

If you're here on business
and not to unwind,

you're wasting your time.

Business is how I unwind.

Fine, let's make it quick.

My office is this way.
We can talk there.

Oh, please, can't we see the real thing?

You can spare me the spiel.

I've been through it before.
"How this case is different.

I'm the only one who can help."
The whole sob story.

I'll spare you.

Too bad. It's a good one.
A fairy tale almost.

Two women in love
unable to be together.

One of them held captive by a man
who thinks of her as property.

He's put a price on his wife's freedom.

Should she leave,
she must give up everything else

and not just her worldly possessions,

but her reputation,
her person, everything.

He will destroy her.

Discretion, simply put,
is the essence of my job.

Certainly, you two can understand that.

And what about, I'm just curious,

when that protection means
putting someone else at risk,

how do you rationalize that?

Uh, if it's a choice
between one party and another,

I side with the party that pays my bills.

Oh, so your real sense of duty,

your highest moral obligation
isn't to the client, but to yourself?

What do you think you deserve?

'Cause when our client
gets out of this gothic drama

of a marriage our way,
she'll probably get a payout

in the neighborhood
of $200 million.

So you provide me with what I need,

and I'll do what I do best.

I'll change your fucking life.

$10 million.

You have an obligation
to yourself to accept that offer, no?

You're gonna have to put
that money in escrow.

This guy was different.

He was into some aberrant, deviant shit.

-It's showtime, ladies.
-Ha!

Two hundred and ten million dollars.

Allura, your client signed
a prenuptial agreement.

She is not entitled to anything at all.

Well, let's call this concession
a gesture of goodwill.

Goodwill?

Well, we've done you a favor
by meeting you here on your turf.

And that is all of the goodwill
that we are willing to offer.

An army of lawyers
coercing a 22-year-old girl

into signing her life away?

I suppose that's goodwill, too?

Do you want to bang this out at trial?

Let's set a date that works for everybody.

Lionel, when are you next available?

Sometime in... 2030? 2035?

And there it is. Thank you.

Yeah, I never throw the first punch,

but you, Arch, have now threatened

to take this outside of the legal arena,

so now I have no choice
but to follow suit.

Emerald?

What is this? A book report?

Now, before we get started today,

is there anything you care
to elucidate, Mr. Lee?

Do you know what I am?

I'm an innovator.
I'm a transgressive.

I've had a target on my back
the entirety of my professional career.

Rival companies, politicians,
they've been trying to take me down,

even regular Joes with laptops

and a little extra time
on their hands doing it for sport.

They come at me constantly.

So what could you ladies
possibly have on me

that I haven't seen before?

You're right.

There's nothing here
that you haven't seen before.

In fact, everything
we're gonna show you today,

you should be intimately familiar with.

This, for example.

What the fuck is that?

An anal stimulator,
a favorite of your client's.

And just for a size comparison,

here it is next to a traffic cone.

Mm.

Now, according to a very credible,
on-the-record source,

the very talented Mr. Lee
is capable of hovering

his whozeewhatzit over the apex
of this device

and performing a full squat
all the way to the floors.

It's a butt plug,
is that correct, Mr. Lee?

Allura, you are so done.

This is supposed to humiliate him.

You, my dear, are going to be humiliated.

Grace, you might want
to look away for this next one.

For those of you assembled

who don't understand
what you're looking at,

if your brain can't quite compute it,

let me break it down for you.

This is Mr. Lionel
in full fantastic fetish mode,

dressed as a filthy piggy-piggy.

Those people under him

are suckling his piggly wiggly titties,

or as they call them
on the farm: sow teats.

Now my eyes bled a little
when I got a gander

at this piece of high art,
but that's just me.

Mr. Lee, there will be a day

when what you're feeling
right now will just be a memory.

You sign the paper in front of you,
and that day is here now,

but if you choose to keep fighting Grace,

then that feeling is...

Just the tip.

It'll be so much more painful
the deeper we go.

Enough!

This is sick! And we are done.

And the first thing that I'm going to do

is file an official report
to the state bar

and to the Attorney General's office...

No one's reporting anything
to anyone anywhere.

-Lionel!
-Let's go.

This is unconscionable.
Un-fucking-conscionable.

You are all sick!

Love and war. You chose war.
And we won it.

Ladies,

a toast, or as we call here
after any huge win...

...a Victory Fizz.

Come on, raise your glasses,
ladies, get over here.

Alright, here is to the mighty chain
of women, arm in arm.

And Grace, we are so proud
to add you as a link in that chain.

Here, here.

All of you...

you saved my life.

Thank you.

Come on, gloves.
You're gonna make me cry. Stop!

-There you go.
-Thank you, girl.

-Uh... For Grace.
-Oh, I'm sorry. Here you go.

-Thank you.
-Well, you know how I get.

You know I cry over everything..

I'm making your favorite drink.

What's with the overnight bag?

Is there a game I didn't know about?

Can we sit down and talk?

Yeah.

I'm not happy.

I'm sorry. I'm confused
with what's going on here.

What are you confused about?

I can't fucking breathe
in this perfect house

with these perfect paintings.

Okay.

Talk to me.

Are you just having
a bad day or something?

No, actually, I-I spent the day
talking to my therapist.

Midlife crisis? Sounds like it.

Allura, I'm drowning here with you.

What are you talking about?

You're famous.
You have three Super Bowl rings.

Oh. Okay, I-I understand
what's going on here. I get it.

What you're saying is that my big life

is just too rich
for that little Philly kid.

But you're leaving out
all of your success and brilliance.

Yeah, exactly. Why do I forget
about all of that in your presence?

I don't know. Why do you?

Because next to you,
I feel hopelessly and ridiculously small.

That's not on me, that's on you.

Fuck you.

And don't fucking gaslight me either.

'Cause I've been feeling
like this for years,

and I know you have too.

What's going on with you?

I feel like you're not
telling me the whole story.

What's really going on?
I want a divorce.

You want a divorce?

What are you talking about?

I'm seeing somebody else.

Allura!

Allura!

How could he do this?
How could he want somebody else?

You know what I'ma do?

I'ma find his ass,
and I'ma cut off that big, Philly dick.

No, I'ma do it.

I keep a knife in my purse at all times.

Do not think I won't.

He's intimidated.

Weak men just can't handle strong women.

What? What's that look?

This. This moment.

I always knew this exact moment
would darken my doorstep,

and here it is.

What's the moment, honey?

That he would leave.

That he was 10 years
younger than me,

and he would leave me
for someone younger.

I mean, am I no longer vital anymore?

Is it someone else's turn?

Are the best years behind me?

No! Fuck no. The best is yet to come.

Are you crazy? Look... Thank you.

Let me invite you to think
about this differently, okay?

This is not about age
or age difference.

This right here is about character.

And while we at it, girlfriend,
let me speak on you for a second,

because you don't have a good picker.

It's true, you don't.

Flash and trash swivels your head.

I don't disagree.

What? I don't have a good picker?

-Nope.
-Not true!

Okay, let's talk about it.

When you first introduced us
to Chase, I said,

"Okay, he's cute."
You know what I mean?

Stunning face, nice ass,
but not that smart.

Didn't have a lot of money.

Could be a little bit of a gold digger.

Face it, you like rough trade.

What? You do.

Okay, but the truth of the matter
is maybe that's about control.

I mean, she's got a point.

That last guy, he was just
a little sketchy, right?

Oh, my God, DJ Chaos?

Good Lord and good night.
You know he was the exact same.

Just a little musky
and slightly unwashed.

You know, guys that start out
working at gas stations

end up as models.

Wait, so you both thought
Chase was a bad choice.

-Yeah!
-Why didn't anyone tell me?

Uh, well, we knew you loved him.

And for me, personally,
I thought, "Well, guys do it all the time.

They marry younger women,
and nobody says a word about it."

So I thought, "Good for you."

And... deep down,
I guess I thought it was brave.

Ditto.

I settled. All because of what?
Low self-esteem?

Did I not love myself enough?

Oh! Oh n... Oh. Honey.

Honey.

I'ma keep it real with you.

Then? No, you didn't.

But now you know.
So now you can.

I failed. I hate failing.

You know what's coming up?

-Hmm?
-Sheila Baskin's auction.

We are going to take you to New York,
and we are going to buy you

-the most breathtaking piece of bling.
-Yes.

And after that,
dinner at Kappo Masa

and oysters and martinis 'til dawn.

Yes!

That actually sounds like
the best day ever.

Yes, that ought to put
a battery in your bag.

Now, who's in for the hot tub?

Come on. Up.

Okay, so who is down
for skinny dipping 'cause I am.

I am!

Think she knows?

Not yet.

She's gonna make it her mission to know.

Yeah. Well, in the words
of Allura Grant...

Mm.

...all's fair in love and war.