Original subtitles

What are you looking at?

How much do you weigh?

Two pounds. What does that have to do with anything?

Nothing. Been to the gym recently?

I have a squirrel named Jim. Does that count?

Hey, why are you in such a rush? You're up to something, man.

I don't like it.

Okay, Rich, I don't normally say this kind of thing

but I've always enjoyed your company.

Enjoyed? Why are you using past tense? You're scaring me, man.

I want you to have this. You've always admired it

and I don't think I'll be needing it any more.

Wow, I love this. Hey, I'm a bandito.

Okay, eyes front, don't look behind you, all the best.

Holy shit nut!

I'd run if I were you, Rich. That bull looks horny.

Its not long now till its over

Nothing much changed, we're just older

But if I see you again back in detox

Put my remains in my snuff box

So, get here in time when our day comes

You thought it was gold but it was bronze

Get here in time when our day comes

You thought it was gold but it was bronze

- Can you speak French? - Absolutely not.

Keep 'em guessing. That's what I always say.

Two hundred and twenty-four.

You're missing out. It's a language of love.

If I spoke French, women would find me hugely attractive.

- You think so, do you? - Mmm. Yeah.

I do.

I goddamn do.

Look at Bryan Adams.

Foul.

What the hell is going on with your eye?

Last night, I was making some beer from one of those homemade brewing kits

you gave me for Christmas...

And I guess I drank half a pint that was still fermenting.

Next thing I know, I'm seeing bright lights

and it's stinging like shit.

And now I can't see out of this eye.

I'm half blind.

Congratulations. Tell me,

how does it feel to be the biggest prick in London?

That hurts, man. That really hurts.

Where's your humanity?

On a thousand mattresses from here to Greenland.

Yes!

- Well done, man. - Give me that.

Mmm.

Thanks very much, Ken. Thank you.

Matt, could you show me out of here?

It's Ken, actually. But it'd be my pleasure.

Hey, check her out.

- Not bad. - She looks French.

I think I'll try out my love language.

Well...

Yeah, whatever that means.

Mmm.

Bonjour, je m'appelle Richard.

Hi, je m'appelle Desi.

Ah, c'est tr�s bien, Desi. Mmm.

Qu'est-Ce Que c'est Que �a Que c'est?

Que �a Que c'est Que �a?

Que c'est Que �a Que c'est Que �a Que c'est Que �a.

Que c'est Que �a Que c'est Que �a.

Que c'est Que �a. Que c'est Que �a.

Que c'est Que �a! Que c'est Que �a Que...

- Que c'est. - Nice work.

Hey.

I just ran out of words.

Look, this thing takes a little practice, that's all.

Watch and observe.

Private room. Ten minutes.

Napkin!

What's up with you? You look like a dog with two dicks.

- Is that good? - Very good.

Well, I think I did it. I met the love of my life.

I'd like you to meet her. Grendel?

Grendel, I recognise...

Grendel, I'd like you to meet my best friend Matt.

Oh, yes.

Do you two know each other?

No, no. No, no. No. No, no, no.

Shut up! You're putting me off.

No, no. Not me.

No, no.

No, not my type. Very nice though, yeah.

Mmm, yeah.

Whisky!

Huh. Well...

I wouldn't mind getting my hands on a blonde like that.

Very good. Very good.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Good morning.

Apologies for being late. I had a meeting with our local vicar...

- Oh. ...and he's asked me

to perform a guest sermon next Sunday.

- Well done. - Isn't that an honour?

Play the first clip, please, Felix.

Hello, Mrs Granger, it's Malcolm again from Meals on Wheels.

Oh, I was hoping it would be you, Malcolm.

What have you got?

Well, I've got hot pot and jam roll.

Whatever are you doing, Mrs Granger?

How do you fancy putting your jam roll in my hot pot, Malcolm?

Mrs Granger!

There's 10 grand in that biscuit tin, Malcolm.

Think of all the scratch cards you could buy with that.

Well,

Let's fuckin' hope age does come before beauty.

Are you gonna keep your scarf on, Mrs Granger?

Of course, I am. It's real mink.

Oh, heavens.

Oh, no.

Oh, heaven. All right, Felix.

Truly tragic. You know, I saw a magpie yesterday.

And I understand they're also being wiped out.

Really? Crying shame.

- Isn't it just? - What can you do?

What can one do?

What can one do?

So, I don't know if I'm diving head first

into this relationship with Grendel or what,

but it looks like this one could be the one.

But I don't want to rush into it.

I mean, she's so beautiful.

But she seems to be the only woman not disgusted by my eye.

I mean, I need somebody that's not gonna puke every time she sees me.

So I should marry her, right?

Do you want to order food?

Yeah, I guess I'll have the rabbit omelette.

Oh, I just farted.

Sorry.

What's this? Got anything else?

All right, then?

You'll need a mop.

Hi, I want you to feel comfortable, so please feel free to sit

- anywhere you'd like. - I'll sit here.

I need to talk to you.

Well, I need to talk to you.

Okay.

I need to get something off my chest.

Well, jump right in!

But you don't have to talk if you don't want to.

Well, it's my friend Rich.

He's about to marry this girl called Grendel.

And I just know she's not right for him.

Please continue.

I'm intrigued!

Okay, I'll get down to brass tacks.

If he marries her, she gets her hands on his royalty cheques.

And I just can't let that happen.

You do realise...

You're going to have to talk to your friend!

Which is a terrible idea.

Yeah, but I don't know what else to do. He won't stop talking about her.

I just know this will end terribly.

You have to tackle this problem head-on!

Leave the country.

- What? - Go to a cave for several years.

Join a monastery.

This is ridiculous. You're an idiot. I know exactly what to do.

Well, I know exactly what to...

... do!

Brad, cancel all my appointments for today and, uh...

... send in the next client!

Oh, and Brad, if you're getting lunch, I'll have a strawberry milkshake.

Uh, make that rabbit!

You're quite an enigma, sir.

- Really? - We have walked almost two miles

and yet you have spoken but three words.

Hmm.

If I were bolder, I'd say you were in love, sir.

Ah, a swing!

How charming.

You made this, didn't you, Master Berry?

I would be honoured if my lady

were to christen the rope fully I have erected.

Oh, yes.

I say, over here!

Sir, it's Rupert!

Look, on the horse.

Yoo-hoo!

Hello!

A friend of yours, I presume?

My fianc�.

Fuck you!

Yahoo!

I'll bet you rustlers are hungry, aren't you?

Yeah!

Are you ready to partake in the best all-you-can-eat

western super-jumbo all-you-can-eat buffet and fixins bar?

Yeah!

Hold on there. Before we go in and fill our gizzards up,

there are a few simple instructions we're gonna have to follow.

First, we can't all go stampedin' to the buffet bar willy-nilly.

That'd be against state and federal regulations.

Now, each of you has been given a pre-designated number

you will find underneath your seats.

Now, each number has a letter by it.

All those with an A on their card

will proceed to the mashed potater line

right next to the Calamity Jane statue.

All B's will go to the salad bar

that's southwest of the covered-wagon sausage pit.

Now, if you have a C, you are a lucky cowpoke

because you're going to the Smoothie General Store

next to the Briar Rabbit.

- Did he say rabbit? - All right, everybody?

Texas Willie ain't done yet.

Each letter, once done with its predesignated area

shall then proceed to the area two letters above.

Therefore, mashed potater people will go to the Smoothie General Store.

Now, is everybody ready to eat some of the best grub

this side of Pecos County?

Hold on! Just three more rules!

Dipshit!

I'm gonna grab me a rabbit.

I might go to the cinema this evening.

You know those two air hostesses?

They asked me if we fancied a game of mixed doubles tomorrow.

Have you seen my reading glasses?

Shut the fuck up!

You can see I'm blind, you bastard!

You do it on fuckin' purpose!

I thought you were a friend.

- Where are you going? - I gotta piss.

Don't wake Quickfinch!

Shh.

To blow that trumpet would be the last foolish thing

you would ever achieve, Wormwood.

Ah, Mr Rich. What the hell happened to you?

- Well, I started... - Don't tell me.

You visited the Blue Leopard during happy hour.

Ha. Funny as my crotch.

Actually, you wouldn't just nip off for some...

Oh, yes, sir.

- As you were, sir. - Well,

last night I was making beer from one of those homemade brew kits

that Matt gave me for Christmas.

And I guess I drank a half pint that was still fermenting.

'Cause next thing you know, I saw all these bright lights

and my eye was stinging like shit!

And now I can't see out of this eye.

I'm half blind.

Sir Charles.

Sir Charles!

Sir fucking Charles!

I'm half blind!

Indeed.

Tell me, Mr Rich,

how long does it take the Earth to rotate around the sun?

A year?

Excellent.

Fuck nuts!

How the hell did you do that?

You're like some magic wizard magician guy.

Sir Charles, how do I ever repay you?

The pleasure's all mine, sir.

Talking of pleasure, two twins and a snake?

Any preferences?

Wow. I'll take the snake!

I'm a great kisser.

I say, I have a snake that would put that to shame.

You want to see it? Mmm, yes you do.

Could you imagine if Neil Kinnock was in a film with Al Pacino?

It would suck! Like you, man!

You suck!

You suck!

Really?

Okay, forget that.

What bugs me, what really, really bugs me...

Is that I'm a retard!

I'm a retard who sucks!

You suck, man!

I'm a retard.

You suck!

Guess what?

You suck!

Hey, where'd you get those wheels? Daytona?

Five cars ridin' round a track!

Go, go, go!

You call that playing football, man?

You suck!

Shut up!

No, you shut up.

Hey, nice gay music!

Which one of you's king of the gaylords?

Do you want a smack in the mouth, pal?

No, but maybe you could play for me some Judy Garland.

See you later, gays.

Maybe at the Gay Pride... Oh, I suck.

Never to late to pretend, my love

Never too late to say I'm sorry

Everything goes dark

I mean, the song's fine. It would take care of itself,

but what are we gonna wear on Top of the Pops?

What? Our clothes?

- Who gives a shit? - I do.

We're not getting any younger. I mean, you're not, and that's for sure.

I got a couple years' grace at a push,

but you're almost fucked, wouldn't you say?

Well, I'm no Phil Collins, but I do my best.

Yeah? Well, your best may not cut the mustard, Mon ami.

I don't need this shit.

Neither do I. I gotta piss.

Never too... too late.

Too late.

That was quick.

Word of advice. It's the one without the shoes on the end.

You haven't changed.

Holy fuck! Adam Ant.

Jesus, how long has it been?

Two years?

Thirty-five. You been back to Dartmoor?

No, no, not voluntarily. You?

No!

Hey, that Prince Charming number is great.

And the kids love the pirate shit.

Tell me about it.

Hey, listen, uh, I'm worried about my friend Matt.

You know, we're on Top of the Pops tomorrow.

Anyhoo, he dresses like shit.

Could you have a word with him?

Yeah, of course.

Thing is, he's as touchy as an actress

so try and be constructive, okay?

Right. Let's get back to work. Who's the pirate?

Don't call him a pirate. He's a pop star.

- Mmm. - 'Ello, shipmate.

Your friend tells me you're on Top of the Pops tomorrow.

- Congratulations. - Thanks.

Word of advice. Do you own any other suits?

No one does that Perry Como look any more.

Perry Como!

Okay, so I'm taking fashion advice from Long John Silver.

Okay, now, my dickheaded friend may think you're cool

with your fancy dress. I think you look like Captain Birdseye.

And if you wanna grab hold of my cat-o'-nine-tails

I suggest you walk the fucking plank, n'est-ce pas?

Don't go!

Prince Charming!

Do you realise what you just did? That was Adam Ant!

You asked Adam Ant to walk the plank! He's a pirate!

You don't ask a pirate to walk the plank!

Well, what do you ask a pirate?

"Arr, can I have a biscuit?"

- What a dickhead! - I thought he was your pal.

Oh, we just shared a cell.

Never too late to say I'm sorry

Never to late to pretend, my love

Everything goes dark!

Arr.

- Matt. - What?

I'm gonna do it.

What, go for a piss? Well, you know where it is.

No, I'm gonna take the plunge. I'm gonna marry Grendel tomorrow.

Good God, man, you've just met the woman.

I know, but when it's right, it's right.

And I want you to invite everyone I know to the wedding.

- Just me, then? - No.

I also invited your dad. It's a shame you two don't...

Now, why would you do a stupid thing like that?

Hey, go easy, Rambo.

What's the big deal, anyway?

Really, Berry, you know the rules.

Whisky!

Uh, maybe we should talk about the hors d'oeuvres.

Does pheasant go with rabbit?

Let's discuss.

Or maybe deer goes better with rabbit. I don't know.

Anyhoo, thanks for this great stag night, Matt.

You're really making my marriage something special.

Just about there.

You're the best friend I've ever had.

When I came to London, I was real lonely.

I didn't know what I would have done if I hadn't have metted you.

What?

Oh, nothing.

Good.

Hey, this is that song.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll admit, this is a classic riff.

Hey, check me out.

That's more of a bass, you idiot.

Who gives a shit? I'm jammin'.

No, look, see what I'm doing?

I'm using the right chords.

C7 back to F.

No. No, no, no, no.

There's no way a guitar that small could emit such a classic sound.

Now you're just being an arsehole.

And I quit the band.

Fine. I'll go solo.

Hey, check this out.

Yeah. Jam it!

Treat it like a Russian jumbo jet, huh?

Whoo, take it to prison.

Huh?

Read it like a book. I'm on chapter 20.

Ooh, baby!

Yeah! Matt, are you dead?

To your good health, Mr Rich.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Ken, I am starting to freak. Where is Matt?

And Grendel? And Matt's dad? What am I gonna do?

I think you need a drink, Mr Rich.

Thanks, Ken. You're the best.

- Yeah! - All right?

Rich, may I introduce Matt's dad?

John Halliday Berry.

Wait, you're Matt's dad?

Made a dreadful mistake in Bangkok 30 years ago.

- But Matt hates you. - And I hate him.

But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Whisky!

Where is the little bastard anyway?

I don't know, but he better get here soon.

He's got my fucking ring.

Oh, yeah!

That's the ticket. Oh, yes.

Nearly at the station. Oh, yes.

One stop.

Look out.

Oh, shit.

Just like Charles.

Just a bit of fun.

Yeah.

I can't be in love if it's plastic

To live on my own just seems tragic

But we'll raise our swords high when our day comes

You thought it was gold but it was bronze

So, get here in time when our day comes

You thought it was gold but it was bronze

Get here in time when our day comes

You thought it was gold but it was bronze

Get here in time when our day comes

You thought it was gold but it was bronze

Get here in time when our day comes

You thought it was gold but it was bronze

Get here in time when our day comes

You thought it was gold but it was bronze

Get here in time when our day comes

You thought it was gold but it was bronze