Original subtitles

Hey, Matt, can I borrow £600?

What the hell for?

I wanna go home.

No.

But my whole family is dying.

They've got colon cancer.

Too bad.

Yeah, but you won most of my money anyway.

Did you know that it costs only 200 quid to build a school in Africa?

I read that this morning.

Yeah, but that would Just be some wooden hut.

You need a pool, kids love to swim.

Okay, pick up the money.

Your turn.

Wow, that was fun.

How much do you think is there?

About ten schools' worth.

Hey, look. Blood money.

Ooh, boy.

I can't be in love if it's plastic

To live on my own just seems tragic

But we'll raise our swords high when our day comes

You thought it was gold but it was bronze

So, get here in time when our day comes

You thought it was gold but it was bronze

- Thank you. - Cheers.

If you had to live life over again, would you do it the same way?

Absolutely.

Bullshit.

For you, maybe, my friend, but I wouldn't change a thing.

So, for instance,

every time you were late for a train, you wouldn't wanna change that at all?

Nope. Being late can make you mysterious.

Right.

What about every time a girl dumped you? You'd wanna live that over, too?

Well, it's only ever happened once, and I was glad.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Yeah, right.

What about that time you got caught in your dad's study

Jerking off over a map of Scotland?

That was particularly painful

But not as bad, I tell you, as the time...

How the hell did you know that?

You bastard.

"October 3rd.

"Can't believe how much bigger my thing looks after burning off my pubes."

"April 15th.

"The RE teacher came over today with a hose pipe.

"Fun, fun, fun."

"April 12th.

"I don't know whether my feelings for Dave are real or not.

"I'm too afraid to act on them.

"May 1st.

"Today was the day my uncle touched me in that special place."

"May 15th.

"I keep having these dreams about having sex with a rabbit,

"and she looks like my mom"!

Oh, this shit is priceless!

Hi there.

I was wondering if you could possibly help me?

Of course.

I came in last week to find the sales assistant

who ordered me the silver cowboy boots.

Do you know, this is my first day here, luvvy.

I'd love to help, but I know nothing.

Yeah, but all I need to know from that sales assistant

is when these boots are due to turn up.

Like I said, sweetheart,

I'd love to help, but I wouldn't know who to ask or where to look.

I really don't know my arse from my elbow.

Well, surely it would just be a phone call to your boss

or whomever deals with orders?

Like I said, it's my first day.

I don't have any numbers, I wouldn't even know who to ring.

Okay. Well, you've obviously done your best with the knowledge you have.

Don't mention it. We got there in the end.

Dozy bastard.

"Dozy bastard"?

What did you call me? "Dozy bastard"?

Me? I didn't say a word, luvvy.

Shit.

Hey, you liked December, old farts?

Well, January's gonna blow your fucking asses off!

"January 1st.

"Today I shot my first dog.

"Does this mean I'm gonna be a serial killer?

"What would I choose for my last meal?

"Will I have scampi or rabbit?"

How could you read out my diary?

And let all these men laugh at me?

I'm so sick and tired of your bullshit

You've run out of gas in your cockpit

And after all that I have done for you

I gave you a home, food, booze, too

And this is how you betray me

You sit there and read out my diary

How could you read out his diary?

It warrants a police inquiry

And after all that he has done for you

He gave you a home, food, booze, too

And this is how you've repaid him

If he killed you we would not blame him

So be on your guard tonight in your bed

By tomorrow morning you could be dead

Watch your back, I'm watching you

We were a team and now we're through

Be on your guard tonight in your bed

By tomorrow morning you could be dead

No!

Oh, oh!

"And what about fox?

"Fox tastes just like chicken.

"May 5th. I think I'm a werewolf..."

I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.

Hey!

I'll find you, you bastard!

London's not that big!

Hello.

Can I help you with that?

- Are you sure? - Absolutely.

My lady is in distress and I'm here to rescue her.

Thanks.

They say chivalry's dead,

but I think you're making a pretty strong case for its revival

Well, I'm always ready to help a beautiful lady.

I help the ugly ones as well,

but I'd definitely say you're in the former camp.

Where am I taking this?

Well, it's only a few streets away, I'm moving in with my boyfriend.

Fuck you!

You'll never believe what happened at work to...

Oh, shit.

What the fuck is going on?

Answer me.

I am really upset.

What the fuck is going on?

Awkward Moments of your life

Awkward Moments coffee.

For those moments that are Just too awkward for words.

Are you two having an affair?

Never too late to pretend, my love

Never too late to fake what we have

Uh, it sounds fantastic, but it's just the wrong vibe.

Yeah, you know why? It sounds too much like opera.

It needs to be more rock and roll

Does that make sense?

Yeah, okay. I'll have one more stab.

Alright, hey, your fingers, finger boy,

I have gotta piss.

May the Lord forgive my disturbance.

Bloody hell

I'm David Bowie.

Is it alright if I borrow a music stand?

'Cause we've only got the one next door.

Of course you can. Matt Berry. You can take whatever you like.

You look busy. I'm nut deep in Aladdin Sane right now.

God willing, I may even have a hit.

But, hey, it's only rock and roll, eh?

That's good. Funny.

- Excuse me. - Hey, I hope you fellows don't mind,

but I heard the Never Too Late To Pretend number,

and I think it may be a good idea

to translate what you've already written on the piano, onto guitar,

because you've got this country vibe going on,

and the piano will certainly not suit it.

Well, that's the exact opposite of what he said.

Well, he may be wrong, you know.

Man was built but from clay.

Where do you get off, lady?

Whoa. Watch your style.

No, you watch your style.

Coming in here with your fake male haircut

and your rock and roll attitude.

You know, we're songwriters, goddamn it.

We write songs. That's what we do.

I don't know what you do. Blow everyone in the band?

He's American. I don't think he knows who you are.

That was a joke, right?

No, Matt, that was not a joke.

I joke about fake vomit and whipped cream.

I don't joke about this right here, okay?

You know what's a joke, is you!

Because you are a poor excuse for an asswipe, goddamn it!

You know, it takes a weaker man to curse the Good Name.

Your partner here seems to have taken a smoother path.

Maybe you should join him, or at least let him carry you.

Enjoy your afternoon, gentlemen.

Sorry about all that, David.

It's alright, Matt, it's not your fault.

Here's your payroll for this week.

May I take your order?

I'll have a barbecue sandwich and some french fries, please.

Hey, Solly, get me a number 12!

You want a drink?

A Diet Coke, please.

And a Diet Coke, Solly!

So, uh, nice day, huh, little boy?

How about giving up that Diet Coke, huh?

Listen, if you don't give me that drink in five seconds,

I'm gonna shove it up your big brown ass, comprende?

Here you go.

Listen, I'm telling you, two more seconds...

...right up the brown ass,

you know what I mean?

So, you go on the swings today, little boy?

Christ on a horse, Solly, it's a sandwich,

not a goddamn redwood tree!

Come on! I'm not shitting around, Solly,

I'm telling you, that sandwich is going right up your brown ass, Mr Greengrass!

Boy, two seconds...

...that would've gone right up there.

Right up the... Hey! You forgot your french fries.

Solly, my fist and your ass are getting married!

Who the hell ordered that thing?

You, apparently.

I did no such thing, you leather-skinned bastard.

I don't even know what it is.

It's a fucking jukebox. I kind of ordered it in your name.

Oh, God.

I say, this simply will not do, sir!

Not only is this man a non-member,

he is also an American.

And the rules of this club are quite clear on this.

And as for the language, I've not heard the like

since Rommel paid our company a surprise visit in Tripoli.

And now I am informed he has ordered a jukebox!

What say you, sir?

Apologise to the lady, Rich.

I'm sorry, miss.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, I think you heard me, sir.

Or did Rommel deafen you when he made his surprise entry?

Oh, really!

So, why don't you just piss off to your dominos, and stop cheating.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

That's it, old chap.

Just got a bit excited, that's all

Had too much dinner.

Just give me the gun.

Good man.

Now, give me my fucking diaries.

What the...

Get your hands off me, you silly old fruit.

That's not a bad cup of coffee.

Awkward Moments of your life

Awkward Moments of your life

So, why would you get into a fight over some fucking silver cowboy boots?

I mean, it's not a matter of life and death or anything.

Yeah, well, it's easy for you to say.

The guy was pretty quick with his mouth.

Yeah, well, apparently, he was quick with his hands, too.

Don't even begin to tell me you've forgotten the white hood.

I'm sorry.

Well, let's hope your eyes don't pop out, pal

Oh, God.

Whoa!

Nice one!

You totally saved my ass.

Oh, sky me.

You're a diamond geezer.

Oh, hi.

Yes, could I speak to the most senior police guy on the Scotland Yard

police squad police place?

You know what? Uh, forget it.

I'm sorry to have wasted your time.

No, sir. Yes, sir. Bye, sir.

- What was that all about? - Oh, nothing.

Um, have you ever confessed to a priest?

Of course I fucking haven't.

I gotta piss.

Step and turn.

Step and turn.

Step and... That's very good.

Yes, you have got the hang of this, haven't you?

Ah, Mr Rich. How wonderful to see you.

I was just teaching Wormwood the beguine.

Do you dance, sir?

Only when I'm shit-faced.

Really?

And what's the matter with you,young man?

Well, I read Matt's diary.

Which I know is bad. But I came across this entry.

Ever since I read it, I've had trouble sleeping.

I get these really bad fucking nightmares

- where I scream and shit the... - Sir.

- Do you want me to, uh... - Oh, yes, Wormwood.

I'll leave the choice to your good self.

Now, Mr Rich. This diary, may I see it?

Yeah, sure.

Right there.

Should I have gone to the police?

Absolutely not. Tell me you've not done so.

No. I wouldn't know what to say.

Good God.

This must remain a secret,

not only for Matt's sake, but now your own.

Mr Rich.

The entries written on the pages of this diary

are truly blood-curdling and stomach-churning.

They are depraved to a rank so superhuman,

it would be considered by some as fanciful

The red rat never rushes.

Did that make sense?

- Did what make sense? - What I just said.

I haven't heard you say anything.

What am I doing here?

I recognise you. You're the guy in the picture in the club.

Excellent.

Have you eaten, Mr Rich?

What did you have in mind?

How about some Italians?

Wow, can I have olive oil on that?

- Hello. - Hi.

- How are you? - You're beautiful

- Let's party! - Indeed.

Now, the track you're about to play

from your new album, which was recorded in LA,

and deals with the theme of loss,

and in particular, the loss of your brother.

Uh, it's weird, because I'd never really thought about suicide before,

mainly because, you know,

I never knew anybody who'd actually killed themselves.

But last year, my brother Fraser took his own life.

And the only way I’ve been able to deal with that

is actually through music.

And what's the piece called?

It's called The Empty Room.

The Empty Room. Thanks, Matt. I hope you enjoy it.

Do I have enough to play now?

Read 'em and weep, suckers!

It's your move.

Allow me.

Checkmate. Never fuck with a man's diary.

Lady, are you okay?

What kind of an asshole would do something like this?

This one. Get up.

You know what I want. Hand me those diaries.

I guess not.

Hey, how many of those fucking whiskies have you had, man?

So, what are you up to tonight?

It's the middle of the week. "Over the hump" night.

Yeah. Irene's dragging me to the opera,

so I need to get plastered to sit through that shit.

You?

I'll probably just stay here and watch the quiz.

They don't allow me to play, but I like to watch.

Or maybe I'll catch Inspector Horse on TV.

I like that one.

It's Inspector Morse.

Listen, we were gonna go with another couple, but they pulled out.

- Forget it. - What?

- You'd need a date. - What do you mean?

Casanova Fulcher can't get a date at the last minute?

You are talking to the Zen master.

You don't have any free hands.

I know, but I look like Jesus.

- Plus, I'm a great kisser. -"A great kisser". Yeah.

Captain Quickfinch has got his daughters with him,

so I'm gonna get stuck in there for five minutes,

while you get dialing.

Hello, Arne?

Hi, it's Rich.

What do you mean, how did I get your number?

I called your work Friday late, and you were gone.

Yeah, and then I said it was an emergency

and I needed your mobile, and they gave it to me.

You practically gave me your number.

Wait, don't hang up.

Hello, Sarah? Yeah, it's...

Tunnel

I was wondering if you wanted to go to the opera?

Yeah, with me.

What... Hello?

So, do you think you can make it?

Sure, it'll be loads of fun. There'll be lots of singing and shit.

Yeah.

No, I don't think you should bring your boyfriend.

Yeah, I met you about a year ago on the Tube in Holborn.

Yeah, you were pretty drunk.

I held your head while you vomited.

Prick tease. Slut. Jerk.

Listen, I know you've got chemo therapy tomorrow,

but can't you breakaway for one fucking night?

Hello?

Another tunnel

Hello there.

You must be Quickfinch's granddaughter.

You're much better-looking than he is.

Imagine trying to kiss that.

They look heavy. Let me take these to your table.

Thank you, handsome.

- The gin and tonic's for my sister Ruth. - Okay.

- This one is for Stacy. - Hello.

And if you could hand this one to my boyfriend.

Fuck you.

Whisky!

Yeah, that's great.

Perfect. About 8:00.

Yeah. Bye.

Piece of piss.

I am back in the saddle, big boy.

That was your sister, wasn't it?

Yeah. Like I said, I'm a great kisser.

What the hell is this?

What is the matter with you?

This is clearly bullshit.

I can't be in love if it's plastic

To live on my own seems tragic

We'll raise our swords high when our day comes

You thought it was gold, but it was bronze

So get here in time

When our day comes you

You thought it was gold but it was bronze

Get here in time

When our day comes

You thought it was gold but it was bronze

I've seen more than enough of this shit. I'm off.

In the Snuff Box next time...

- Cursing... - Fuck.

...ladies,

dancing,

and pleasure.

So if I should die of smallpox

Put my remains in my snuff box

So if I should die of smallpox

Put my remains in my snuff box