Original subtitles

SHLUB: Good morning, Scott.

Wait a moment. You're not Scott.

WOMAN: Scott had urgent business.

Promised me 10 clams to cover for him.

SHLUB: Alright then, on with it.

What's on the agenda for today?

What boring responsibilities must I shoulder?

WOMAN: Whatever you want. You're the king.

SHLUB: Whatever I want, you say.

WOMAN: I'll get the same amount of clams either way.

SHLUB: Ah, I like you, New Scott.

I hereby announce King Shlub's Never-ending Wine,

Hummus and Pita Festival.

All you can eat and drink, now and always.

[All cheering]

SHLUB: Not to toot my own horn,

but I am great at this King thing.

In fact, you know what?

I think I will toot my own horn.

WOMAN: Sir, before you go after your horn again,

there's a problem.

We're already out of hummus.

SHLUB: Ah, there's always more chip than dip.

Well, not to worry.

Announcing King Schub's Forever Unlimited Wine and Pita Party.

[All cheering]

WOMAN: And we're out of pita.

SHLUB: King's Shlub's Super, Very Bottomless Wine Jamboree.

[All cheering]

WOMAN: And we're out of wine.

In fact, nobody's done anything but drink for weeks,

so the whole city's out of food

and overrun by rats!

ALL: [Moaning]

MAN: [Coughing]

SHLUB: No!

Who could have seen this coming, New Scott?

What do we do?

WOMAN: I'd tell you,

but you're also out of clams, so I'm off the clock.

♪

TYRANNIS: And maybe the swamp gas had gone to my head,

but by the end of the date, I was walking on air.

I think she was really into me.

SHLUB: How could you tell? Don't bog women communicate

in language consisting of grunts and shoves?

TYRANNIS: Oh, there was grunting and shoving all right.

Actually, she may have been trying to get me to go away.

It has been a few weeks since I heard from her.

No, no, there was chemistry.

Maybe it's bog custom to wait a bit

when you really like someone.

SHLUB: That must be it.

Say, what's the word

for when a city has completely run out of food?

TYRANNIS: Famine. SHLUB: Famine, yes.

And what's the procedure for handling that situation

when it comes up? Purely hypothetical.

TYRANNIS: Is it hypothetical,

or are we dealing with a famine right now?

Is that why you came for breakfast?

SHLUB: I can't say I know for sure

what "hypothetical" means,

but to the other two questions, yes.

Look, I'm sure as king you dealt with this scenario

hundreds of times. What did you do?

TYRANNIS: Never did deal with this, actually,

because I was responsible.

SHLUB: Yeah, look where that got you.

Unable to offer simple advice to your own dad.

Listen, what do you say to coming back

to the palace in a new role

as your dear old dad's chief of staff

and bailing me out like old times?

TYRANNIS: Dad, I love you, and because of that,

I'm drawing a healthy boundary for us both.

SHLUB: You and your boundaries.

Totally fine to kiss on the cheek,

but not on the neck.

Arbitrary, Procrustean, and impossible to keep track of.

Well, if you're not going to help me with the famine,

while I've still got you,

what do we do when the city is overrun by rats?

TYRANNIS: When? [Screams]

SHLUB: Strictly hypothetical.

[Rats squeaking]

STUPENDOUS: Man, that's the problem

with eating a bowl of barnacles.

As soon as you're done,

you just want another bowl of barnacles.

SCOTT: Column. Column. Column.

Column. Column.

STUPENDOUS: A real column would never say that, Scott.

SCOTT: I'm not supposed to talk to you.

Otherwise, someone will rip off my scalp and wear it like a hat?

STUPENDOUS: Hold up. That sounds like my mom.

Tell me what this is about,

or I start crunching bones.

SCOTT: Ah! Your mom's in Nappos

for the goddess Hera's exclusive girls weekend.

STUPENDOUS: Ugh.

Why wasn't I invited?

SCOTT: You were!

STUPENDOUS: Why would Mom hide my invitation?

Is she ashamed of me?

HIPPOCAMPUS: To put it gently?

Yes, you're not exactly the nappest crowd.

STUPENDOUS: So I have one eye

and I'm built like a big, hunky square.

So I'm a little unpleasant

to sit across from while you're eating.

So the inside of my breastplate's

got a smell that can make your eyes water.

So I don't have any interest in a girl's weekend.

But I'm still her daughter.

Maybe I'll just accept Hera's invitation.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Why? You hate this kind of pretentious event.

STUPENDOUS: Yeah, but not as much as I hate Mom

thinking I can't fit in at one.

Want to be my plus one?

HIPPOCAMPUS: Ugh, wish I could, but I'm sort of busy.

STUPENDOUS: Training the rats from the rat infestation

to do your bidding using rat sex as a reward?

I know you pretty well by now.

HIPPOCAMPUS: The rules are simple.

If the rats show any sign of intelligence,

they get to mate.

The babies are getting smarter and smarter every day.

STUPENDOUS: How smart do you want the rats to get?

HIPPOCAMPUS: Just enough to fetch me a cocktail.

Carlos, Elliot, cocktail!

Cocktail!

[Rats squeaking]

♪

HIPPOCAMPUS: What the--? Elliot!

This is a gin and tonic.

A cocktail has 3 or more ingredients!

[Sighs] We'll get there.

HERA: Goddess Queen Deliria!

DELIRIA: Hera!

Delighted to see you.

HERA: Where's Stupendous?

The demigod princess.

DELIRIA: She couldn't make it.

Kicked in the head by a mule. Shame.

But she knows better than to stand that close

to the back of a mule.

HERA: Giant earrings, giant hat,

giant shadow glass eye blockers

that you can see through but other people can't,

so they're not sure where you're looking,

but also you're not sure

how invisible your eyes actually are,

so everyone's deliciously just a little on edge.

DELIRIA: Don't mind if I do.

HERA: Oh, I am so glad you're here.

I've been dying to talk to you

more about your whole goddess-queen thing,

because, as you know, I'm queen of the gods.

DELIRIA: Sort of. HERA: So it's exciting

to have someone on my level, or closer to it at any rate.

Now, I did hear I could hear you say something in there,

but of course I was in the middle of a sentence,

so it wasn't my job to stop and listen.

Or was it, somehow, now that you're a goddess queen?

DELIRIA: It was, actually.

HERA: Okay, see? So interesting.

That is why we have to talk,

because that sounds very wrong to me.

BOTH: [Laughing]

DELIRIA: Does it? HERA: I can't wait

to hear more about how this is meant to work,

with the status and hierarchy and whatnot.

Queen goddess, goddess queen.

Oh, well, we certainly both outrank these two.

Boitus, Eegah!

You remember Deliria.

[Whispers] Still trying to pretend

her regular goddess daughter isn't part goat.

[Bleats]

BOITUS: That was a yawn. She's just a little tired from the trip.

Um, did somebody order a Cyclops prostitute?

STUPENDOUS: Hello, mother. Ashamed to see me?

HERA: Hey! You made it!

Del said you got kicked in the head by a mule?

STUPENDOUS: Oh, did Del?

That was like 6 years ago.

Also 4 years ago.

Point is, I'm fine now.

HERA: Great! Take some earrings!

DELIRIA: Your ears aren't even pierced.

What are you doing? STUPENDOUS: Fitting.

[Moans] In!

SHLUB: Tyrannis, I fixed the famine.

TYRANNIS: Really, Dad? How did you do it?

SHLUB: I ate two birds with one gulp

and solved your love life as well.

I had a chat with my old friend, Asskill.

TYRANNIS: The cannibal king? Wait,

and this was to solve our food crisis?

SHLUB: It's not what you're thinking.

Turns out he has a daughter, Viscera,

and she's ready to be married off

and produce heirs.

TYRANNIS: Dad, tell me you haven't traded me for grain.

SHLUB: Not at all!

I've simply promised you in marriage to the princess,

as a trade, for grain! TYRANNIS: Unbelievable.

SHLUB: I don't know if you know this,

but that bog woman is not going to call.

Where are you going? I'm still waiting for my kudos.

TYRANNIS: We're going to Killasses,

because all you've succeeded in

is getting me to do your job.

And now I'm taking time out of my busy day

to go to Killasses to fix this.

SHLUB: When you say busy day, you mean--?

TYRANNIS: I was mopping.

SHLUB: Not if you don't change the water, you're not.

You're just pushing the dirt around.

MAN: Killassian fried children,

it's finger licking, finger licking!

Try our family bucket,

which includes one whole family.

WOMAN: Chick filet!

Chick as in the mildly derogatory term for women,

and filet for the method of cutting them up.

MAN 2:5 guys!

4 guys!

SHLUB: And you were worried about the cannibalism?

It's a delight!

TYRANNIS: I just have to figure out a way to get out of this marriage

without ruining our trade relationship with Asskill.

Shouldn't you at least meet the princess first?

You might like her. TYRANNIS: The cannibal princess.

SHLUB: So she eats people. We all have our quirks.

Asskill, my old friend.

ASSKILL: Shlub, welcome back!

Prince Tyrannis, good to meet you.

TYRANNIS: We've met. Many times.

ASSKILL: Have we? I don't remember that.

Shlub, you assured me

that he had generous birthing hips.

I suppose I see his hips with the father's eyes.

Well, tonight...

Tonight, Tyrannis will meet Viscera.

And if she accepts him,

they'll be wed at once.

TYRANNIS: Hold on. If she accepts me?

I assumed this was all set in stone.

We're cannibals, not must-abals.

We don't marry people off without their consent.

TYRANNIS: Interesting. She's got to want to marry me.

ASSKILL: And of course, if the wedding falls through,

she'll be exiled.

TYRANNIS: From here? That doesn't sound so terrible.

All I need to do to get out of this marriage

is to make exile

seem more appealing than being with me.

SHLUB: Are you sure about this, Ty?

I've never been more prepared for anything in my life.

DELIRIA: Stupendous, you shouldn't be here.

STUPENDOUS: Why? You don't think I'm good enough?

Don't think I can pull off a floppy hat?

DELIRIA: She only invited us

because I'm a goddess queen,

which is a whole other kind of special status of God.

STUPENDOUS: No, it isn't. You made that up.

DELIRIA: Yes, but that's the point.

They don't know that.

I've got them in a wonderful panic about it.

But it's a very delicate balance,

and they would love to uncover the lie.

STUPENDOUS: Wait. You don't think I could keep a secret?

Come on, Mom. I'm a soldier.

DELIRIA: Which means you're good at murder but bad at lying.

The whole honor thing.

You know why everyone here wears big hats and eye blockers?

To hide the faces they're lying off.

STUPENDOUS: What are the earrings for?

DELIRIA: To elongate the neck, keep up.

The fact is, you were invited so they could grill you.

So if you can't lie,

I'll lose this new status I've worked semi-hard for,

for however long it's been. A couple of weeks.

STUPENDOUS: What if you taught me?

DELIRIA: To lie? Hmm.

I am an expert at lying.

If we buckled down and really work hard,

huh, I'm sure it would work.

STUPENDOUS: You think so? DELIRIA: No, that was a lie.

I've got my work cut out for me.

TYRANNIS: So, Viscera, let's talk about your interests.

VISCERA: Okay, well...

TYRANNIS: Wow, very cool.

VISCERA: Oh, I barely said anything.

TYRANNIS: Yes, I interrupted you.

Now I'll talk about me for a bit,

just until the light goes out of your eyes.

SHLUB: I still don't see why

you wouldn't at least consider the marriage.

She's gorgeous.

Way out of your league.

TYRANNIS: Thanks, Dad. Tell me, Viscera,

do you like alternative comedy

or anti-comedy,

where the humor's more conceptual

and challenges people's assumptions

about what it even means to be funny?

VISCERA: Oh, I love it.

TYRANNIS: Well, I wonder whether you really know

the kind of thing I'm talking about.

If you do, you probably don't completely understand it.

I'll be happy to take you to see someone and explain the jokes to you.

VISCERA: Seriously? Would you?

Oh, you are so generous with your expertise.

TYRANNIS: Ever seen a thigh that's skinnier

than its adjoining calf?

VISCERA: Oh, yeah, I think it's hot.

I like that you're built like a marionette

someone whittled while drunk.

ASSKILL: Come, Shlub.

Let's leave young lovers to their loving.

SHLUB: But-- VISCERA: Wanna kiss?

I should mention

that it's customary for the bride

to take a ceremonial bite out of the groom's lip.

TYRANNIS: Oh, is that...

Are you, um...

Hold on. Are you onto me?

VISCERA: You mean the fact that you're trying to repel me?

Yeah. Good luck with that.

TYRANNIS: You mean you want to marry me?

VISCERA: You know what? I'm not wild about the idea,

but it's the only way I can eventually run this place,

and I'm not trying to get exiled.

TYRANNIS: Wouldn't it be better to be exiled

and free to do what you want

instead of being forced to do what your dad wants here?

VISCERA: What I want is to create

the best possible Killasses.

I actually think I'd be a pretty great leader,

making improvements-- TYRANNIS: Improvements,

like adding another toddler buffet?

VISCERA: Ty, it's a small city.

How many toddler buffets do we really need?

TYRANNIS: You actually have--

Oh, hey, you're funny.

Thanks. Coming from a comedy expert,

that means a lot.

DELIRIA: Okay, Stupendous.

Lying is just like strangling a man.

It's sweaty work that doesn't feel good at first.

STUPENDOUS: Disagree. First strangle

is famously the best.

DELIRIA: But with practice, it becomes second nature.

And I need you to not give away that goddess-queen is a scam.

So, repeat after me.

I love your hair.

STUPENDOUS: I love your hair? DELIRIA: Terrible. Again.

STUPENDOUS: Oh, that's just water weight.

I couldn't help you move.

I was sick with an illness that killed both of my grandmas.

What? You totally have the bone structure

to pull off a pixie cut.

What a beautiful infant child.

That one feels like a stretch.

DELIRIA: Not if you sell it.

STUPENDOUS: Sure, I'd love to see a play.

Sure, I'd love to see a play.

Sure, I'd love to see a play.

DELIRIA: Wait, do that last one again.

Second to last.

STUPENDOUS: Sure, I'd love to see a play.

DELIRIA: By Zeus, I think you've got it.

STUPENDOUS: Really? DELIRIA: Nah,

but the party's starting, and if we're late,

we won't get a swag bag.

ASSKILL: Shlub, old friend. Soon to be family.

SHLUB: Yes, I hope so. I know so.

Guess I'll be spending a lot more time here,

and you in Krapopolis. ASSKILL: In Krapopolis?

SHLUB: When you come to visit Viscera.

ASSKILL: Oh, I see.

No. Tyrannis and Viscera will live here.

Killasses is a closed society.

After the wedding, your son will never be able to leave.

SHLUB: Never be able to leave?

ASSKILL: Have a drink with me!

SHLUB: I thought you'd never ask.

What the? This isn't wine.

ASSKILL: Of course it's not. You're in Killasses.

SHLUB: It doesn't taste like blood.

ASSKILL: No, it's cranberry juice. I don't drink.

SHLUB: I'm sure we've tippled together in the past.

That time at the tavern. ASSKILL: Mocktails.

You do know you're in a dry society, right?

SHLUB: There was still some in there.

No drinking? My son can never leave?

But I suppose he'll be happy here with your daughter.

ASSKILL: The main thing he'll be expected to do

is produce many strapping female heirs.

SHLUB: Oh, that part doesn't sound so bad.

ASSKILL: Via monogamous procreative sex.

And missionary only, obviously.

SHLUB: I have to save my boy!

VISCERA: Wait, you let the people choose their leader,

and they chose your dad? [Laughs]

TYRANNIS: I know, rookie mistake, right?

All right, yep.

Yes, my misfortune is hilarious.

VISCERA: It isn't not.

I mean, it's cool you invented an electoral process, really,

but phew, should have seen that coming.

You have a nice laugh.

VISCERA: I can't tell if you're flirting now

or still trying to drive me away.

TYRANNIS: I acknowledge that it is probably hard to tell the difference.

VISCERA: Wow, and you didn't win the election.

TYRANNIS: Ha ha.

So, I feel like I have to ask

about the cannibal thing.

VISCERA: Cannibal thing? Come on, Ty.

Do I come to your city and police your customs?

TYRANNIS: Well, no, I just-- VISCERA: I'm kidding. Mostly.

Honestly, it's not something I'm proud of.

I know it's a little barbaric,

but a good butt sandwich or some crispy raider belly, oh.

I might not be a good enough person

to completely give that stuff up.

TYRANNIS: That tasty, huh?

VISCERA: You wanna try some? TYRANNIS: No, no, no.

VISCERA: [Laughs]

DELIRIA: Okay, you can do this one last time.

STUPENDOUS: My mom's a goddess queen,

which is a whole other level of God, so that's cool.

You were right. Lying felt bad at first,

but then I just started believing my own lies.

DELIRIA: This feels like the day I gave birth to you,

and today I have once again created a monster.

Now, go forth and fudge.

STUPENDOUS: You're not wrong.

He's wrong.

Hey, what you're doing isn't stupid.

It's brave.

Goat? I've seen goats,

and nobody at this party seems like a goat.

It's not a wart, it's just a bump.

Warts are contagious.

HERA: Oh, I am so glad you're enjoying the party.

Has either of you had the chance to say hello to Aletheia?

DELIRIA: Aletheia is here? I love her.

I'm going to go and say hi right now.

HERA: Right over there.

DELIRIA: Yes, forgot we just have to, um--

[Whispers] Aletheia is the personification of truth.

She can detect any falsehood,

no matter how convincingly fibbed.

Oh, personifications are the worst.

EEGAH: [Bleats]

ALETHEIA: Oh, really?

EEGAH: [Squeaks]

TYRANNIS: Where do you stand on arranged marriage?

VISCERA: Outdated, paternalistic.

When I'm queen, I'll abolish the practice.

TYRANNIS: As you should.

Although, if you liked the person at all?

VISCERA: Oh, you mean like if you thought

he was kind of cute in a weird way?

TYRANNIS: Do you? I mean, would one?

Wait, I'm sorry, was the biting thing real?

VISCERA: Do you want it to be?

ASSKILL: I spent weeks designing this table scheme!

TYRANNIS: What are you doing? SHLUB: Son, I just wanted you

to have a girlfriend, and to trade you for grain.

But if you live here, I'll never see you again.

ASSKILL: I didn't say you can't see him.

SHLUB: You said I'd have to come to a city

with no drinking and a dim view on adulterous shenanigans.

Like I'm gonna come to a place with no shenans.

Stop spreading hairs. The deal is off.

We'll get our grain somewhere else.

ASSKILL: It's not just the grain.

If you call off this marriage, Viscera will be exiled.

And our friendship will be so off.

SHLUB: So be it. My son deserves a life of freedom.

Why? And to be the lazy one on the bottom sometimes.

Why should he do all the work?

TYRANNIS: [Screams]

I'll call you!

DELIRIA: I should have known.

This was all a trap

to prove my goddess queen status is a lie.

STUPENDOUS: I have a plan.

DELIRIA: Stupendous, you can't dupe Aletheia.

Even I'm not phony enough to pull that off.

STUPENDOUS: We're not gonna lie to her.

You're gonna slip out the back,

and I'm gonna lie to everybody else.

DELIRIA: That's your plan? Fleeing?

STUPENDOUS: No, slipping out.

That's how a goddess queen leaves a party,

rudely and without saying goodbye.

DELIRIA: Oh, my God, that almost sounded like a thing.

STUPENDOUS: If I've learned anything here,

it's that social rules are just lies

that more than two people believe.

DELIRIA: But how will you get out of talking to Aletheia?

STUPENDOUS: I'll tell her I got to hit the can.

It's technically never a lie.

SHLUB: You changed your mind. How was I supposed to know?

TYRANNIS: I don't know. Reading the room?

Picking up on subtle cues?

SHLUB: I've never really had to do that.

I prefer huge cues.

TYRANNIS: Viscera was smart, beautiful,

passionate about civilization.

I liked her, Dad.

SHLUB: Enough to give up wine and a world of sexual options?

For me to give those things up, briefly,

if I ever want to see my son?

TYRANNIS: Honestly, yes.

And I know that's actually a legitimate sacrifice for you,

so, yeah, that much.

SHLUB: Somehow things are worse off than they started.

Wait a moment. You're not New Scott.

DELIRIA: I'm sorry I tried to keep you from the party.

It's okay. I just thought you were ashamed of me.

Stupendous, I've never been ashamed of you.

Come on, Mom.

Don't bull-poop a freshly-minted bull-pooper.

Well, I've certainly never been less ashamed of you

than I am today.

STUPENDOUS: That I can maybe believe.

One question. Why did you even tell Scott where you were going?

DELIRIA: Hmm? I tell Scott everything.

STUPENDOUS: What?

SCOTT: King Schlub,

Prince Tyrannis has answered your summons.

Right, send him in.

TYRANNIS: Dad. You're very awake at midday.

SHLUB: I'm as surprised as you.

I've given a lot of thought to before

when I needed help, and you said no.

TYRANNIS: I should have just bailed you out like you asked.

You may have messed up my love life,

but you never asked to be king.

You shouldn't have to do it alone.

SHLUB: I know. I needed a number two,

which is why I decided to get one,

right after I stopped laughing at the words number two.

There I go again.

It's actually the number part that's the funniest,

when you get past the front-facing funny of feces.

No, it's the two.

Wait, it's the faeces.

TYRANNIS: Well, I'm not sure I want to do it

as a permanent position,

but I'd be happy to help you out now and then.

SHLUB: Oh, you misunderstand.

I went in another direction.

VISCERA: Hi, Ty. TYRANNIS: Princess Viscera?

VISCERA: Although it's just Viscera now. Exile and all.

SHLUB: Which made her easy to hire.

I remember you said she was passionate about civilization.

TYRANNIS: How on earth did you retain that?

No clue. All I know is

she seemed like the girl for the job.

TYRANNIS: Thanks, Dad. This was kingy of you.

SHLUB: Viscera, you may start doing work immediately.

And now, time for a nap.

Scott, I'm back.

TYRANNIS: So, you're welcome, by the way.

VISCERA: For getting me exiled?

TYRANNIS: I was gonna say, "getting you your dream job

and out of exile."

VISCERA: Hmm, pretty sure that was your dad.

TYRANNIS: I just hope it's not tense,

working with your ex.

VISCERA: Okay, we were never together.

TYRANNIS: We were pretty close. Admit it, we had a--

We had a moment.

VISCERA: Okay, maybe we had a moment.

TYRANNIS: Aha! VISCERA: Or maybe I was just being nice

because I was hoping to dragoon you into marriage,

then turn you into my patsy for my own craven uses.

Guess we'll never know. See you around the kingdom.

TYRANNIS: I'd be fine with either one of those things,

for the record.

Dragoon?

SHLUB: And then he said, "So I'm just out of a job now.

What am I going to do?"

[All laughing]

DELIRIA: Oh, Scott.

He's always been my favorite.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Always? TYRANNIS: Your favorite?

SHLUB: Good wine, by the way.

STUPENDOUS: Oh, yeah. I thought we ran out of wine.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Glad you like it.

TYRANNIS: Hippo, did you solve the famine while we were gone?

HIPPOCAMPUS: Oh, no. Not at all. This is all we have.

Tiny rat feet can only stomp so many grapes,

and tiny rat nipples

can only make so much rat milk cheese.

It's been that way since there's been nipples

on rats. TYRANNIS: Tiny what?

HIPPOCAMPUS: Carlos, Elliot, Ethan, get in here!

TYRANNIS: And those rats?

What was the thing you were saying?

Can it only make so much--?

Oh my God!

STUPENDOUS: The rat poop cheese is actually really good.

Rat?

Rat? Rat?

DAN: Did you get any of that?

- Bento. [People cheering]