All language subtitles for Crutch s01e02 Crutch to the Rescue.eng

Crutch is filmed in front of
a live studio audience.

-(loud banging)
-(Jake screaming)

Pop, Pop, Pop,
what are you doing?!

What it look like I'm doing?
I'm emptying "garbahj."

-It's 5:30 in the morning!
-That's right.

The sun is up, so that means
your ass should be up.

We do not sleep in around here.

Okay? Besides, today is
family gardening day.

When did that start?

I said it. Today.

* Tells it like it is *

* Crutch is here *

-* For friends, family, kids *
-CRUTCH: Yo, it's Francois!

-(Crutch laughs)
-* Crutch is Crutchfield * -* Crutch. *

Oh, my family. Just look at you.

Just look at you.

This is beautiful.

I'm almost happy you here, Toni.

Who hurt you?

(slurring): I've been wanting
to know that for years.

Pearl, shouldn't you be passed
out drunk underneath a fireman?

My drinking is-is medicinal.

I think it's pretty cool
New Yorkers farm on the rooftop.

Hey, you know, your grandma
was one of the first

to bring horticulture to Harlem.

-Oh.
-Mm-hmm. -MASE: Wow.

What'd you call your mother?

Horticulture.

It's one who cultivates
flowers and fruits.

Mm.

I didn't get the "culture" part.

-(Jake stammers)
-Unbelievable.

What a pathetic excuse of a man!

-Ooh!
-Let me take that.

Okay, kids, I think you've
earned an hour of device time.

Yay! (chuckles)

(kids chattering excitedly)

You okay, baby girl?

I just found out that Andrew,
my beloved husband,

has maxed out my credit card,

probably from cash advances
from the casino.

And, you know, I'm-I'm still
trying to figure out if I want

to make this marriage work,
but he's not making it easy.

He's been leaving me
pathetic voicemails,

acting like the victim.

(nasally voice): "Can you please
tell Jamilah that I called

and have her call me?
Thank you."

Are we not supposed
to take his calls?

-You talked to him?
-Once.

Just to give him an update

-on Lisa and Mase.
-Uh-huh.

(normal voice):
That's actually a good idea.

He called me, too.

Pearl, you don't
even know Andrew.

You don't know who I know!

Well, I know one thing.

I know Andrew knows better
than to call Daddy.

Shoot, Daddy would have
all of Harlem after him.

Isn't that right, Daddy?

What's the deal?

Can you believe
Andrew had the nerve

to call Jake and Aunt Toni?

Man, those squirrels
done took my damn tomatoes.

Frank, ain't nobody
thinking about your tomatoes.

And I know you lying.

'Cause your double chin
is quivering.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.

So, Daddy, did he call you?

Well, no.
Like you said, he ain't crazy.

-Well, that's that.
-Now that's more like it. -Cool, 'cause I was

-about to turn it up.
-That's what I'm talking about.

I called him.

-You what?
-Come on. You triflin'.

Wait, so, why are you
calling him?

'Cause I'm your father.

As a man, he made a promise
to me to take care of you.

And he didn't do that,
so I called him.

So, what did you talk about?

I can't tell you that.

You can't be serious.

I thought we agreed to
communicate better as a family.

And now you're the one
not telling us stuff.

I just can't.

Come on, baby, you know
it's not like that.

I have my reasons.

Every time y'all on this roof,
it's drama.

This is better than
that dragon shit.

Pearl, would you please 12-step
your ass back in the house?

I'm locked out.

Grandpa, do you also have
a white family?

What?

Oh, no.

Those people just
came with the TV.

Why don't you put pictures of us
on your screen saver?

Well, why don't you
show Grandpa how to do it?

MASE:
It's easy.

Give me your phone.
I'll show you.

It's real easy.

All you got to do is make sure
that your phone and TV

-are in sync.
-NSYNC?

I still got beef
with Justin Timberlake

after he did
Janet Jackson dirty.

I don't know what any of that
means, but it's done.

What? You just took
the pictures off my phone

and put it on TV?

I do not know what you just did,
but my grandbabies are on TV,

so let's take a selfie.

-Come on.
-Let's do it.

(laughs)

(camera clicks)

-(laughter)
-So, wait.

When you were kids,
you only got bullied in person?

Yeah.

Susie Nichols tried
to bully me once.

After she regained
consciousness,

-we became best friends.
-(Lisa chuckles)

Were you ever bullied, Mom?

Mostly by your Uncle Jake
when he would mess with my toys.

I only messed with your toys

'cause you hid
my action figures.

And I only did that
because they were colonizing

my Barbie Dreamhouse.

Oh. (chuckles) I remember that.

Mom would get so mad about that.

Remember she used
to call them "mens"?

"Uh, get your mens

-out of Jamilah's Dreamhouse."
-"Get your mens out the..."

-"Get your mens out of there."
-"Mens." -"The mens."

-"Get the mens."
-"Mens." -"Mens."

(laughter)

"Get your mens."

Okay, so that's how it is.

Y'all gonna ice me?

Grandpa, I think you're being
bullied right now.

I know that's right.

-Go brush your teeth.
-But I didn't eat yet.

Then go practice.

(ringtone playing)

Can't talk right now.
Can I call you back?

Okay.

(phone dings)

-Somebody's super popular today.
-(chuckles)

-This... this is just business.
-(phone dings)

(phone dinging)

-(phone keyboard tapping)
-(message chirps)

Okay, Francois,
what is going on?

You got more secrets than
a bus station bathroom.

Don't be mad at me
'cause nobody invited you

in their group chat.

(ringtone playing)

I have to take this call.

Yes, this is he.

Why is he talking like
a white woman at a PTA meeting?

You could do anything.

You can go anywhere.

You can even explore Portugal.

You could learn how to...

launder money?

Sorry, Papi, that's mine.

So, what do you got for me
this time, Raven?

I only came in here to see
if you would buy some popcorn

for my school trip. Look.

We got movie butter.
We got that three cheese blend.

But if I were you...

...I would go with
that skinny delite.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you know my rules, Raven.

You read one book,
I'll buy one bag.

I'm not reading
a whole book for one bag.

Are you crazy?

Two chapters, one bag.

How about one chapter
and three bags?

Deal.

Thank you.

There you go.

Good choice, young Jedi.

You do know books are
the butter for the brain.

Whatever.

The mockingbird
will be at the henhouse

at 1700 hours tomorrow.

-What are you talking about?
-Tomorrow.

The mockingbird
will be at the henhouse

at 1700 hours.

Oh, you talking about
Andrew's flight.

You told me to keep it a secret.

But ain't nobody here.

But thanks for booking
that flight anyway.

What are you taking
a picture of?

Flaco, you are on
a need-to-know basis.

Copy that, Flying Eagle.

Bro, you need to forget
you even saw this.

Saw what?

This lease.

-I see what you just did, Flaco.
-(laughs)

I see it.

Uh, thank you, and my code name
is Tasty Tiger.

I'm not calling a grown man
Tasty Tiger.

Not gonna happen.

(chuckles):
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

-(Jake exhales)
-You had a nice run, son?

Yep. Sure did, Pop.

Sure di--

Where you get that shake?

My Frigidaire.

But that's my recovery shake.

For after my run.

Paid a lot of my money for it.

Tastes expensive.

You paid for
a light bill, cable bill

and that Wi-Fi you be using.

(weak chuckle)
Uh, very funny, Dad,

but it ain't cost that much.

Maybe not,
but consider this next sip

a contribution
to the light bill.

Hey, hey, hey... (stammers)

Why are you acting like this?

I'm not acting no kind of way.

Okay? I'm acting normal.

If you wasn't here,
I'd be acting just like this.

Whatever happened
to unconditional love?

Unconditional love is
for bitches and kittens.

(door closes)

(camera clicks)

(hushed):
Jamilah. Jamilah!

What?

Hey, when did you and Andrew
sign a lease?

What? What are you
talking about?

For the upstairs apartment.

There's a lease
with both your names on it.

Uh...

-Where did you get this?
-TV.

It's pulling photos
from Dad's phone.

What is he doing?
He's not acting like himself.

Tell me about it.
He been waking me up

at 5:30 in the morning
to empty trash.

That's my trash!

Are you really making this
about you right now?

I'm sorry. I haven't slept.

Okay, let's review the evidence.

-Mm.
-What do we know?

We know he's been
talking to Andrew.

-Yep.
-We know he's been acting

real suspicious on his phone.

Mm-hmm. "This is he."

And we know he's been
forging signatures

on a fake lease.

And he has a tendency
to do things

that he has to
apologize for later.

Yeah, like that parent-teacher
conference where he made

Mrs. Dumpletree cry.

Poor lady just wanted
to teach third grade math.

It's not her fault
he don't like fractions.

Mm.

Wait. Do you think he's planning
to do something crazy to Andrew?

How crazy?

Like, Crutch crazy.

All right, well, maybe
we should talk to him

before he does something
he might regret.

I'm not talking to Daddy

while he doing
Crutch crazy stuff.

Okay, when he does something
Crutch crazy,

he never does it alone.

BOTH:
Flaco.

-There goes my grandbabies.
-LISA: Hey, Grandpa.

Hey. Hey.

We good?

We good. (laughs)

But, uh, I need you
to do me a favor

and take these kids out
for ice cream.

-(laughs): Oh, ice cream.
-Ice cream.

I could use a break
to recharge my battery.

Hmm. I know this dope spot

around the corner
owned by a Black family.

-Ooh.
-Lisa, you gonna love the flavors.

Whoa! They have
a social justice themed menu.

Fudge the Police.

I'm-a get Reparation Raspberry.

What are you gonna get, Grandpa?

What's that one
with the chocolate on the side

and vanilla on the other side
and the nuts down the middle?

The Separate but Equal Sundae?

Yeah, yeah, that's it.
That's the one I'm-a get.

-Well, let's go.
-Let's go.

(Lisa giggles)

-How you been, Flaco?
-(Flaco chuckles)

I was just reading this book
on money laundering.

-Hmm.
-(laughing)

Hey.

What's happening? (chuckles)

Is this the march
on Crutchfield's?

(grunts)

Whoa. (laughs)

Hey.

-JAKE: Flaco.
-Seriously?

Just relax. Relax.

We just want to know
what my dad is up to.

This can be hard
or this can be easy.

Your call.

Is this a shakedown?

(laughs) I'm from
Washington Heights, baby.

181st Street and St. Nick.
I'm ready for this.

Flaco, what do you know
about this?

Oh.

That you got
2,600 steps in today.

Oh. That's my fitness app.

What do you know about this?

My name is
Flaco "Tasty Tiger" Rodriguez!

And I don't put up with this!
You don't scare me!

-Time to turn this up a notch.
-Yeah.

(laughs)

Did you think you could bribe me
with chicharr�n de cerdo?

Anybody can make chicharr�n.

Not like the one
from Arroz con Delicioso

-in Spanish Harlem.
-Mwah.

Okay. A-All right. (pants)
Be strong, Flaco, be strong.

Steak man. Steak man.
Got them steaks!

Oh, uh, Crutch stepped out.

Oh, you look low on iron.

This ain't no humane shit
right here.

These cows have been
through something.

(Flaco screaming)

FLACO:
This is torture!

No! (screaming)

I-I-I see y'all
a little busy right now.

I'm-a come back later.

(groans) This is torture.

-Mm-hmm. That's the point.
-Oh.

-My blood sugar's dropping.
-Oh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

-Okay, this has gone
too far. Flac. -Here, here, here.

-Flac, Flac, Flac.
-Feeling dizzy.

Wake up, wake up, wake up!
Eat, eat, eat, eat!

(laughing) Amateurs!

Oh, my God.
There's nothing wrong with me.

I'm healthy as a horse.

(neighs, laughs)

Aw, come on, Jake.
You're a lawyer.

You're supposed to be
the good guy.

I can be,
but when the music stops,

do you want to be the only one
without a chair?

Uh...

Jake?

-What is this?
-(Jake chuckles)

Flaco, Flaco, just help us
connect some dots,

and this can all be over.

Hey, all I know is that
the-the... the mockingbird

lands at the henhouse
at 1700 hours.

Did you get that?

Yeah. Andrew gets in
at 5:00 tonight.

You wouldn't happen to be

holding out on us,
would you, Flaco?

Anything else is
on a need-to-know basis,

and apparently
I don't need to know.

Last time Crutch did something
on a need-to-know basis,

we had to change churches.

(speaking Spanish)

(exclaims, laughs)

(speaking Spanish)

I love you, too.

I know you're talking
about us, Flaco.

You talking shit.

Okay.

I got the kids watching a movie.

Weren't they supposed
to be here by now?

Maybe the flight is late.

Okay, my flight tracker app
says he already landed.

-There could've been traffic.
-My traffic app says should've been here an hour ago.

Well, what could they be doing
that would take so long?

Maybe we should start
gathering bail money.

(knock on door)

All right, well,
whatever's behind that door,

I'm ready.

Hi.

Is Mr. Crutch home?

Oh, no, I'm sorry.
He's not here right now.

Would you give him these?

And tell him I said, so far,
some crazy white man

is trying to catch a whale.

Oh.

-Also, somebody owes me $20.
-FLACO: I got it.

Can you change a 50?

Nope.

-I'm so nervous.
-Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Breathe. (inhales deeply)

(exhales)

If you don't want
to be here right now,

we can deal with him.

Yeah, 'cause my Tasers
are fully charged.

Thanks, guys, but you know
what mom always said:

"Time to put your big girl
panties on and face it."

No more pity parties for me.

But I really appreciate you
for looking out.

It's the least I can do.

JAMILAH:
Daddy.

Where is Andrew?

And what are you doing
with that?

Dad, as your attorney,
I advise you to remain silent.

You need to bury that pitchfork,

wash your hands
and burn that jacket.

-Why burn the jacket?
-'Cause it's ugly.

What the hell is
the matter with y'all?

I was never here!
(shouts in Spanish)

(door opens, closes)

Dad, we know you picked up
Andrew from the airport.

Yeah, and I know you put me
and him on a lease.

And you walked in here
with a pitchfork.

This is for the rooftop garden.
It's cheaper upstate.

What were you doing up there?

Hold this, Paul Bunyan.

I put you and Andrew
on the lease

because I wanted to make him
a New York State resident.

Why?

So I could get him
to this gambling rehab upstate.

I know some people up there.

See, Daddy, I told them
not to overreact,

but they wouldn't listen to me.

You would do all that
for Andrew?

No. Did it for the family.

Look, he's still the father
of my grandkids,

and I got to be there for him
to make sure he right,

because that's what family does.

I just don't understand why
you would make it a secret.

'Cause I didn't know if he was
gonna get on that plane

or if he was gonna bail.

You're my daughter. I love you.
You been through enough.

Well, thank, God.
I thought he was a goner.

(chuckles)

You thought I would do that?

Well, you know...

Because you would do anything
to protect us.

But to be clear, I'm glad
you didn't do that. (chuckles)

Thank you, Daddy.

No matter how this shakes out,
I got you.

-Night, y'all.
-Good night, baby. -Good night, sis.

Well, well, well.

Guess who ain't got
nothing to say.

For somebody who ate
as many lead paint chips as you,

you did pretty good.

Why don't you stop
flapping your gums

and flap your wings
back to your cave.

(door closes)

That was such
a nice thing you did

for Andrew and Jamilah, Dad.

-Because I care.
-Yeah.

Andrew's getting
that VIP treatment.

Free plane ticket,

nice, cushy ride
all the way upstate to rehab.

That's a lot of gas.

-So what you trying to say?
-Oh, I don't know.

Sounds like, uh,

Jamilah's getting
a lot of unconditional love.

You got a problem
with the way I treat you?

I want some respect!

Let me tell you something, son.
I respect you,

but living here cannot be
your long-term plan.

I won't let you get
that comfortable.

(sighs) So what does that mean?

More 5:30 trash pickups?

-Damn skippy.
-(groans)

Maybe 4:30.

So, stay on your toes, son,
'cause I'm always

gonna be two steps ahead of you,
you heard? Two steps.

By the way, you change
that Wi-Fi password again?

-No doubt.
-Ugh.

New password now is
nine-ninety-nine.

Oh, that's good.

Can afford that.

Ten bucks. What's the password?

I already told you,
"nine-ninety-nine."

Two steps ahead of you, son.

Two.

(grunts) Oh, hello, Papa.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What do we have here?

Oh, this? Nothing.

Just figured I'd get
my own fridge for my room,

so when I put my things in it,
they will remain my things.

That's good, son.
That's a good idea, son.

I know it's a good idea.
That's why I did it.

So, tell me, how does it work?

What you mean how does it work?

I mean, does it work
on batteries?

How does it run? (stammers)

You have an aneurysm?

Ain't nobody have no aneurysm.

Does it run on solar power?
I mean, how does it run?

Dad, you know how it work--

(chuckles)
You plug it into the wall,

and miraculously,
through the wonders of science,

it keeps things cold.

Oh, so you gonna plug
that fridge into my wall

and use my electricity?

Oh, shit.

So, you know,
once you use my electricity,

all the stuff in that fridge,
miraculously,

through the wonders of me
paying my electric bill,

become my stuff.

-(groans)
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.

-Where you going?
-Back to the store

to get my unconditional refund.

He's learning.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

* Sometimes life can deal you *

* A messed-up hand *

-* But when it hits the fan *
-* Hits the *

* Never fear *

* The Crutch is here *

* Crutchfield, Crutchfield *

* He keeps it real *

-* Crutchfield, whoa! *
-* Whoa! *

GIRL:
What's that, bro bro?

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