Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

DACIA FELIX 138 AD

Shortly after the Roman-Dacian wars,

a fragile peace persists in the occupied Dacian lands.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

The peace is threatened when the Latins discover

that the Dacians possess technologies

obtained from light years away through the Babel/Sphynx 111 portal.

A treasure that is now lost

was sent to them by "ancestors from the future"

in order for the people to return to their ancient homeland

on the dark side of the Moon.

In order to make this journey possible,

the Dacians have set up a travel agency

and High Priest Zotula sends three men to find the Chosen Being,

the last piece required for the ancestral journey.

Roman forces are already moving in on Dacia

in order to take hold of the future technologies at any cost.

The faith of the Dacians lies in the hand of three men. Three…

Come on!

- The coins! - My dear coins! The jerky!

What has become of us, brothers?

We're fugitives in our own kingdom.

Dressed in foreigners' clothes.

Yes. What are we going to do with Zotula?

We did everything Geto-Dacianly possible.

- But you can't fight history. - Right!

It's impossible to fight history.

But we are Dacians, descended from Thracians.

We're descended from Dacians, who are descended from Getae,

who are descended from Thracians, same as the Dacians…

- I think that's enough. - Yes.

Don't take it to heart.

Right.

The Romans are coming back, brothers!

I can't keep running anymore.

Zalmoxis…

Code Lightspeed!

ZORILLO'S SECRET THE DAC SIDE OF THE MOON

THREE DAYS EARLIER

Spittoon for the Romans. it's good.

Sorry, not interested.

It's copper. Quality merchandise.

I've had many of these. They don't sell.

At least one koson.

I can buy a dozen of these for half a koson from the consignment.

Move along, I have other clients. Look, I'll give you…

a quarter denar or two bronze arrow tips.

Give me half a denar.

Take a quarter and let me be!

Come on, man, you think you're Amalius at the spa?

Stop throwing corn at me, it gives me rashes!

- I'll wet myself! - Get your own pool!

Go fix your barrel at home!

It's not worth it just to take a bath every five years!

Get dressed faster, you're traumatizing the chicken!

- Cabbage, cabbage, badger! - Foal, foal!

I have big news, boys!

- Wifey, three goblets! - Why don't you move your own ass?

Again with these bums! Are we running a bar here?

Three, I don't exist for you anymore. Am I invisible or what?

Asshole!

I won't drink with you anymore. Go drink with your hoes!

Muses.

You've lost it since you've started running around with these tramps!

You even pawned off grandpa's bust!

- That cheap-ass! - He was a Getae!

You know the one with the Getae? Get away from Zorillo!

- Cheers! - Boys, you know the emperor's coming?

You do know.

I hope you didn't betray our mission.

- He comes for the treasure. - What treasure?

- The treasure! - Excuse me, I'm hungry.

- Want some? It's striped pork jerky. - Shut it!

- Tell me! - The biggest treasure ever.

Many, many crazy inventions.

The Romans can't find it.

It's said to be here, in the Valley of Envy.

- How do you know this? - Rumors are going around.

- Yeah? Any other rumors going around? - That's it.

Stop! Trust me. Can't a man make a joke?

You gave me a cramp.

- Tell me! - Okay.

There's a map. The governor's looking for it.

It should be hidden in the turd field where Baznabostes had the pig farm.

- What? - Manure, that is.

- Yes. - I used to work there when I was little.

Helper to the temporary junior assistant pigsty man.

The Romans dug a hole the size of China.

Of course they didn't find it!

Baznabostes kept his belongings

in the Valley of Slime, near the slaughterhouse.

I found scrolls and doilies there and…

We're going to the Valley of Slime. We make a camp fire

and tomorrow we search for it rested.

- Come on! Up, up… - And away!

And a pair of earrings.

- Zorillo, wait! - Why?

We have to show this fence, they gave us money for the film.

Oh, yeah! Star Stone, there's no rock like our own!

Excellent! Back to history!

When the wind blows

The sea begins to talk

She's angry

At those who have lied

When the wind blows

The sea begins to talk

Sorceress Vesuvia.

She's angry at those…

Tell me, Vesuvia, what lies before me?

Amalius, be prepared!

The emperor will pay you a visit.

The emperor?

- For real? - For real.

The emperor seeks the Dacian treasure.

She's angry

- When will he arrive? - Soon. Very soon.

Where is the treasure?

This is too great a mystery for me.

But I can tell you the fashions of my day.

Not interested. To the lions!

No! Mercy, please! No!

Dorianus Jerkus Captivus!

Sing me something, anything except "Baldy Swims".

Jerkus John, illustrious Amalius.

"Baldy Swims" it is!

Baldy swims

Time for my massage, girls.

- So firm! - Yeah.

- He has a tattoo! - Yeah!

From my grandpa. Crazy man.

He said: "I left you the biggest treasure."

It was a tattoo.

Pork jerky goes down well with red wine.

- Forget abut that! - Shut up!

Turn the heat down!

What do you do for a living, sexy boy?

Me? I'm an entrepreneur, ma'am.

And you? You play the flute?

They prostitute. On the Appian Way.

Someone's coming!

Who are you? Stop or I'll shoot!

I'm a Dacian, like you fine people.

- What's your name? - Twolighterses.

How can that be your name?

Zorillo… Twolighterses, got a light?

I don't smoke.

- Healthy man. - Yeah. Tell us! What brings you here?

I'm looking for Zorillo, Zdrelos and Bezmetis.

- That's us. Go ahead! - Very well, then. I carry a message.

But I have to ask you a security question, to make sure you're the addressees.

- Shoot! - You have to give me the password.

Why do you two have beards and Zdrelos doesn't?

- What? Like I don't have a beard? - You call that a beard?

It's you!

Here's the message!

I am envoy High Priest Zotula's envoy.

At dawn…

when the skies turn blue,

be at his temple.

A sacred mission awaits you.

A mission that will decide the fate of all us Dacians.

Zotula has chosen you as his champions.

Us? Why us? Was there nobody else to choose from?

Maybe a dying man or an old dude.

I don't have the answer.

It is up to you to carry out this mission given by Zalmoxis himself.

Be worthy! Be brave!

Complete this task!

Okay… Sorry to digress!

But… How did you know how to find us?

It's in the script.

Who wrote this script?

My warriors…

- Giddy up! - We don't have horses.

Then…

See you!

Come on! Kisses, girls, bye-bye!

Wait up! Don't leave me alone here!

Zip, zap, zoom, fsst!

Zip, zap, zoom, fsst!

Zip, zap, zoom, fsst!

Cabbage, cabbage, badger!

- We don't want to trouble you. Excuse us! - Get down on your knees!

Zip, zap, zoom, dormouse!

I should have you flogged for interrupting the holy service.

- We're sorry, great Zotula! - Quiet!

You pronounce it with the accent on the "U".

We don't place the accent on the first syllable like the Huns do.

I have summoned you here…

What I have to tell you will shake you to your core.

Zalmoxis himself spoke to me.

And I have chosen you, brave sons of Dacia,

for a sacred quest.

Our people's fate hangs in the balance.

It can be saved

only if you accomplish the task I shall entrust you with.

It pertains to the Grand Journey.

This journey must be undertaken

by a being Zalmoxis knows

as the keeper of our holy spirit.

Could it be the dancing nymph?

There's no nymph here.

It is the short-haired silver striped dormouse

which lives in burrows in the Valley of Envy.

It is rarely seen by human eyes.

It comes out only during the full moon,

and then, mesmerized by the moonlight, it stares at the Moon

and can be caught.

Catch it and bring it to me!

Otherwise, you shall rot in history's graveyard

as villainous traitors.

Great Zotula, we shall spare no effort…

For the quality of our mission.

Beat it!

Cabbage, cabbage, badger.

Let's go!

The emperor's visit is at hand. We must find the treasure.

General Demetrius Nullius Magnus, present the facts!

The most likely perimeter is…

to the southeast of the Valley of Envy, or so I heard.

- You started drinking again? - No.

- It's because of your imminent triumph. - What?

Finding the treasure, great Pius Amalius Maximus!

Turn the whole of Dacia upside down! Crucify, butcher, castrate, whatever!

We must find it before Trajan gets here.

It shall be done.

Trajan's informant network is without fault.

- Are you mimicking me? - Well… Sorry!

Dwarves have always captivated me with their erotic potential.

Livia dear, you've lost your mind after you fell from the litter.

- Who were you with in the litter? - Cecilia!

Girls, this is Cecilia, my best friend from Rome.

She's the purest of them all.

Livia, Antonia, Cecilia.

May the new Thracian slave make you wetter than the month of October!

Oh, and…

Cecilia was born in Dacia.

She was taken to Rome after the emperor's conquest.

Is is true what they say about the locals' virility?

She was too young for that when she left.

It's scandalously true. If you don't mind the smell of cheese.

Not at all!

What news do you bring?

The same old plots.

Octavian!

Come to mommy!

I am very concerned abut his education in this barbarous province.

Come here!

Rome was even more boring.

I brought him the best tutor from Rome.

And he just runs about.

I prefer hunting to rhetoric.

Extorsionum non dispuntandum est.

Such a statesman!

Yes! Trajan is…

exacting, yes.

We have to prepare a lavish feast.

For this, I have invited the supplier Smulik.

SMULIK PAWN SHOP

- Cabbage, cabbage! - Whatever you say.

Do you have any stuffed toys, ya know?

Want to buy or just asking around?

To buy. Something that looks like a mouse, a dormouse.

In silver, please.

Lookie here! You're in luck.

Crouching squirrel, 19 cm tall, second-hand, barely used.

It played songs, but it broke.

Very good, 16 kosons, if you charge it, it moves.

16 kosons, what? Where do I get that?

I don't… Well… You know…

Come on, give me a discount!

Alright, then! Just for you…

- 16 kosons. - There we go! Thank you!

Seven plus three plus nine, sixteen.

Got'em!

MERCURIAL EVENTS

You see nobody's been sacrificed to Zalmoxis today?

Maybe it's Open Doors Day of the Dead?

The governor's probably giving a party.

It's a religious holiday, for sure!

House, louse!

House, louse…

Dormouse!

High Priest, we are here to inform you

that we caught the silver dormouse.

Ya know.

Posterior.

But it got sick and I don't know…

It short-circuited and died.

Zalmoxis welcomed its soul, ya know.

- What is this? Are you mocking me? - No!

You do not deserve to live.

Long live!

We don't deserve to be sacrificed.

You want to a curse upon your heads?

No, High Priest, please!

I give you my sincere apologies on behalf of the whole team.

They gave everything, but it seems…

We wanted things to turn out well, but the dormouse wanted more,

ran away from us and we just made it a little statue,

so we don't come to you empty-handed.

But we know this is not the real dormouse.

Leave my sight at once!

If you don't bring me the silver dormouse,

you shall rot away in history's graveyard of shame!

Let's catch it! We'll drop it off at your door.

Andrew, get that, it's done.

The electric saw's busted.

It doesn't work.

The saw!

- Roma! - Victrix!

- Roma! - Victrix!

- Roma! - Victrix!

- Roma! - Victrix!

- Roma! - Victrix!

- Roma! - Victrix!

Troops, hold!

In the name of the Emperor,

for the citizens' safety,

we will institute, at sundown,

a state of high alert in Dacia Felix.

It will be forbidden to gather in groups

of four or more people on public property.

Groups found walking about after sundown

will be tried with the utmost severity.

Long live Pius Amalius Maximus,

our beloved governor!

Ave Amalius!

Good job, man!

What… I swear it was working before.

It moved its paws and tail like this.

My mistake was that I didn't charge it, but, you know…

To err is human, you know?

You made mistakes, Zorillo, and you…

- I made mistakes? - Every now and then…

- That mouse is hard to catch! - I agree.

Stop this nonsense! We have to complete our quest!

Maybe we'll get lucky, find the treasure and open up a shop.

And we drive Smulik out of business.

Aqua!

Aqua!

Wake up!

Get him up!

He's so heavy!

- Aqua! - Get him here.

Sorry, I gotta go.

- Wait up! - What?

This is a scroll, and you want to wipe your ass with it?

If I know any Latin… "New emperorus, deadus Trajanus."

Aqua!

Stop it! And there's a new emperor, Hadrian.

Reading is for Greek philosophers who like it up the butt!

Why can't this loser tell us?

What are you doing?

You hit the colonizer with the scroll?

What are you doing, Zalmoxis bless me, you brought this guy here?

Don't you bother me enough, now you bring Romans?

What if he dies here? Take him away!

- She's right. Cross the fence. - Move it!

Yes. Come on!

What if he wakes up and reports us for not helping him?

You're right. Come on!

Better if he dies beyond the fence.

But we are loving!

We're a hospitable people. At least give him some water.

A cup of water, wifey!

- Come on! - And yet…

I'm not moving him anymore! My stitches broke!

- There! - Aqua!

- Gratias tibi! - His name is Tibi!

- He said Tibi's great. - Hello, Tiberiu.

We… You fellus from the horseus, we saving you.

- Alley-oop! - Me, Zorillo.

- Pulchra es! - Hey, don't swear at us!

He means well.

What's your mission around these parts?

Imperator Trajan e mortus.

Imperator novi Hadrianus visit Dacia ese.

- Told you! - He wants the treasure.

You have one minute to leave the premises with the Roman!

You helped him, gave him water. Enough!

Zorillo already looks like a Roman tribune.

Let's go to your place.

Okay. Cosa nostra over the fence est.

We're going to my place. I have TV, WiFi…

- Come on! - Move!

- Help him! - What about me?

Bring the horse!

Let's hurry! Zdrelos could be coming any minute now.

So what, woman? Can't you just string him along?

You didn't visit me last night, even though you promised.

You know there was a full moon.

The full moon's tonight, woman. Tonight.

Besides…

Why are you in such a hurry? What's so hard to understand?

I have a big project to finish.

I thought I was your greatest work.

The homeland!

The homeland is the greatest work!

Have fun with your homeland, then!

- Could you dye my hair? - How?

- Silver. - Silver?

Yes.

Silver, just like that, wow!

Wait on the chair, I'll be there in a jiffy.

Let me replace this. There we go!

Sorry! Wait a sec!

Hey, kid! I know you're there.

- It's your final entry. - Yeah, I know. Dad will pay you.

His dad is a great guy.

I give them loans for relieving themselves.

Take a seat, please. Daciana!

Daciana, we have guests, dear! Daciana!

What do you know, she's not home. I bet she won't answer either.

No…

What is?

- A toy. - Nothing!

A toy, me and my wife throw it around for the dog to bring back.

Look what we have here!

Are you betterus?

- Licores? - Not liquor. Beer.

Donde?

From around here. Nature giveth.

Gift!

Helicopterum.

No. Listen!

Rotator. Grande scarecrow.

Crows come and propeller…

Slow… boom!

Mortua est.

Es.

Es. Roman guy!

- What a surprise! - Darling!

Look, dear, we have guests!

We found a Roman.

This silver hair looks so good! Who gave it to you?

- The blacksmith, who else? - He made you so beautiful?

Yeah. I'm beat.

- Pulchra es. - Yeah, pulchra.

Relax a bit-ish. Parlare something.

The sun is setting and we have to catch the dormouse.

Let's go!

Mister colonizer, rest profundum.

Calm and relaxation.

Let's go, Bezmetis!

- He ran that way! - We shouldn't scare it.

It won't get scared.

There's a fire.

My cousins, Bostanes and Castanes, are probably frying bacon.

Bostanes! Castanes!

Guys!

- Ave! - Sorry!

- We don't… - Stop!

We don't want to intrude.

What are you doing around here, boys?

- We dig shafts. - And clean them.

Any depth.

- How exactly? - Carefully.

Not allowed!

This forest is under lease by our grand empire. Fine!

A thousand kosons sound good?

A thousand? Where'd we get that?

Too much, mister colonizer! Can't we work something out?

It's too much, we don't have money. How could we? Ask him.

I don't… Him neither… No…

- We don't have a mother. - A neighbor gave us birth.

Poor woman!

Do you accept credit card payments?

Card? Maybe cardus!

- Who's this Cardus fella? - A nephew.

We don't have cash, you know.

You don't have cash? No problem, 'cause we have carcerum.

Look, guys…

Guys, we're entitled to a lawyer.

Please find Mr. Smulik and bring him here.

Anything we say can be used against us.

Yeah, sure… Ad carcerum!

So good of you to come, Mr. Smulik! Thank you very much!

- What's the problem? - It's bad here.

They locked us up.

- Why? - They caught us in the forest.

It's a very serious offense.

The forests are leased.

You need a special permit from the governor to hunt.

I don't think there's anything to be done.

Look, we were thinking…

Couldn't you pay the fine for us as some sort of… loan?

- A personal loan, you say? - Yes!

How would we come up with so much money?

Wait a sec! Let's see what he says.

Let me tell you what.

You promised me something. All the dacophones.

- You filthy traitor! - Zorillo, stop! Be patient, man!

I don't think I could… Me?

What now?

Want us to rot away here?

We have a quest to accomplish!

See how you are? Instead of thanking me for betraying you,

you call me traitor!

My friend, you give me all the dacophones, I pay your fine, 1.000 kosons…

and I'll charge you an extra… let's say 200, in interest.

You mean 1.200 kosons?

And the dacophones? Way too much! We can't.

We don't have money.

We don't… If we did… No, it's too much.

Look, let's split the difference.

We go up a bit, you come down a bit… Let's say 800.

A thousand.

Fine, have it your way!

- 1.200 it is. - There we go! Thank you!

- Thanks a lot! - Let's go!

Thank you very much, Mr. Smulik.

Push harder! We've been here before.

Where is the parole office?

They're poor kids. They were in juvie after the colonizer genocide.

"Genocide"?

The providential and civilizing Roman intervention in Dacia.

Much better!

Listen…

Do these simpletons know you're charging them 400% interest?

They can cover it. They're successful entrepreneurs, even if they look this way.

It's none of my business.

Who's the leader of the group?

Please sign here that you agree

to the interest rate offered by your benefactor here.

Agree!

There you go!

It's nice to do good deeds every now and then.

Indeed it is!

- Let's get the goods! - Get out!

Where are you going? You want us to get crucified together?

Get out through the jail!

Yes, there's two doors, we know.

Today, the winter of our discontent…

has changed.

- Sabrina… - At your command, illustrious lord!

- Do you like art? - Immensely.

- Can we live without culture, Sabrina? - No way!

Ecce homo.

May all of Rome's enemies be crucified upon the Appian Way,

great Amalius!

What may I do for you today?

The permit for your temple

hasn't been granted yet, right?

- Not yet. - Yes.

I loathe bureaucracy.

Rest assured, I will talk to my colleagues.

Thank you very much.

- Zotula… - Yes?

You have the most efficient spy network in the Empire.

Those are exaggerated rumors.

People aren't confessing anymore?

Only the sinners.

The Emperor will be here soon.

Rome's treasury is empty.

He asked us to find the treasure.

If we fail to do so, heads will roll.

And not only in the Roman administration.

In politics, no one's life is secure,

only insofar as there are common goals.

- This is not just some treasure. - How so?

These are inventions that will change the world.

More valuable than gold.

If we possess such things…

we will be masters of the world.

Regarding the famous treasure the Romans haven't found yet…

what have you learned?

There is talk of a map.

Smulik is said to have it.

Trajan himself comes in search of the treasure!

If it fails to turn up, heads will roll.

- I assumed… - Stop making assumptions!

I order you to take care of it!

All you Romans are weaklings!

I'll hand you over to my man!

Hello, Zdrelos?

What?

Mr. Smulik!

How did you get the dacophone?

It's yours?

I wanted to speak with you, because…

I have someone in bed.

I could use a dacopotency pill.

Alright! I knew I could count on you.

State of emergency?

How do we justify it?

Dacian pestilence!

Bubonic plague from Rome.

Mosquitos, the Plagues of Egypt, rats,

cholera, pandemic.

We're already in a state of high alert.

People have gotten used to the restrictions.

State of high alert.

- Did I institute that? - Yes.

Why?

So that the populace, the rabble, the mob, stays at home.

I was right to name you High Priest.

Little dormouse…

We're dumbasses!

We're searching during the day, but it only comes out at night!

We lure it in. I caught dormice when I was little.

They hide in caves, and it's nighttime there.

He's right. How could Zotula know how dormice work?

Go inside the cave, and I'll wait to catch it outside if it escapes.

You're following me, right?

Every now and then, especially when I have news.

What are you doing here?

- I have an important mission. - Really?

- Yes. - What mission?

- What's the news? - Trajan is dead.

Hadrian is the new emperor.

- Really? - Yeah.

Will you tell me your secret?

- I can't. - Why not?

Cecilia dear, you have Dacian blood, but you've been working in Rome for years.

- You're no longer one of ours. - I'm yours, Zorillo!

Truly?

- You know what? - What?

You really look like Hadrian.

- Seriously? - Yes.

- It's running away! - Yes, look at it go!

Well, you were right.

It showed up in full daylight.

It must be from the eclipse or something.

Good day!

Daciana!

A gift!

I brought you something good, quality coffee from abroad.

Abroad? Is there something beyond the Roman Empire?

It means it's not crap from the disciplinary Roman battalion.

And the pill?

The pill was very hard to get,

even for a senator's wife.

There's this new law to limit Dacian population growth.

What do you need it for?

I have a Roman in bed.

- What's he doing here? - He came from Rome.

Trajan died and the new emperor is coming here.

There's talk of a treasure and some inventions,

that's all I could get out of him.

The new emperor?

Treasure?

The pill!

Oy vey! Oy, Ribbono Shel Olam!

Oy goten you!

Rahela!

I took the pill!

What are we to do?

What can we do?

There was a full moon last night.

We didn't catch the dormouse.

Why is it so important, anyway?

Yeah, why does it have to be silver?

Guys, I have an idea.

- My wife. - She looks like a dormouse?

No, you dummy! But you're close enough.

She doesn't look like a dormouse, but I like her hair color.

We paint the squirrel silver.

Right?

We can't. We're in a state of emergency and we can't leave the courtyard.

What will the maniac do to us if we don't find the dormouse?

- It's gonna be bad. - I'm not ready to meet Zalmoxis yet.

What do we do?

I know how to solve this!

But I will need your help, you little rascals!

Romulus, get over here!

Move it!

- Going to the governor's? - Yeah.

Good boy! Find Cecilia, the governor's wife's friend.

You tell her this, coming from Zorillo,

to give us three sets of clothes. She'll know what kind.

And the message?

Purebred Dacian right here!

Take this!

- Give him! - No.

Give him!

Fine!

RUM CHOCOLATE

- No, but… - Give him!

Give him more!

I have six left and I gotta visit someone in the hospital.

Move along!

- Roma! - Victrix!

- Roma! - Victrix!

- Roma! - Victrix!

Hold!

A state of emergency has been declared throughout the province.

Remain in your households!

Disregarding this order will entail

the capital punishment.

Long live Pius Amalius Maximus,

our beloved governor!

Ave Amalius!

There she is!

These are the governor's clothes.

You're going to look like gigolos.

- Couldn't you get some helmets? - No way.

- Who's making this movie? - Don't know.

Can you get us some roman soldier clothes?

If I take more risks, they're going to feed us to the lions.

Got it! I'll call Smulik tomorrow and he'll get us soldier clothes.

What? You want to stay here, in the dark?

Yes!

- Get undressed! - What did you say?

- Don't we have Roman clothes? - Yeah.

If not even the Church has money…

You don't pay taxes, you do collections.

If you don't want to be the master of information, fine by me.

But there are mixed families already. Ethnogenesis has already begun.

Your religion is losing ground. Be careful with the new one!

I have plenty of buyers for the dacophones.

Bye! I got another call coming in.

Hi! Who is it?

Zdrelos? It better be an emergency!

Roman clothes?

What for? There's a state of emergency,

All shows are canceled except "Romans got talent".

You want to prank Zorillo's cousin on his birthday?

Alright, but it's 10 kosons a costume. How many do you need?

And don't forget about the due date on the loan.

Got it! Delivery tonight, at the cousin's place.

You have the money, right?

And give me your dacophone too, that was our deal.

Ave, great governor!

Emperor Trajan died unexpectedly a month ago.

The Roman Senate immediately crowned our beloved war hero

Hadrian Aelius Maximus,

who decided to visit the province of Dacia.

- Ave Hadrian! - Ave Hadrian!

Ave Pontifex Maximus!

The shocking news

that our great and wonderful emperor…

- We're devastated. - Trajan.

…Trajan, has departed us, comes as a great tragedy to us.

- Tragedy? - Yes.

The ascension of a providential leader such as myself is a tragedy?

- It is a blessing! - A blessing!

- That's… - So good he died!

- Yes! - True!

Hooray!

- Hooray! - Enough!

Our dear and wonderful emperor…

- We're so happy! - Hadrian.

…Hadrian, allow me to present to you your majesty's administration in Dacia.

Locally.

General Demetrius Nullius Magnus, the garrison leader,

and here we have the wonderful financial adviser, Amadeus…

Corruptius Lascivious.

- Ave! - Shut it!

Ave Grande Hadrian!

- Take it! - Kiss!

That's enough.

Ave with you!

These are happy yet sorrowful times.

I am hoping for a fruitful collaboration towards finding the treasure.

For this purpose, I have here with me

the exceptional finder of treasures, Pubius Plus.

- Ave! - Bravo!

To my right…

strategist emeritus Axilus Minus.

Say something.

Aquila non capit muscas. Ya know?

- Bravo! - Bravo!

- Us. - Make room!

Please!

Get out of the way!

Sabrina!

- Emperor! - Emperor!

Take the apple.

I miss the cultural life in Rome.

The fashion shows.

- The concerts. - The theaters.

I forgot all about civilization with the latest restrictions.

- You want theater? - Yes!

You'll get theater.

We have histrions here.

You speak Latin so well!

Get ready for the dacophone conversation. Go now!

Let's make theater!

Yes!

They're gonna catch on.

Zorillo's insane.

I'm afraid. We'll end up in the lions' stew.

You're right. On the other hand,

a life without mocking the Romans is like one of your empty pigsties.

Act like a Dacian!

Like a Go-Dacian.

Let's make theater!

We have three actors.

They will be the three slaves.

Great emperor, it's not Saturnalia yet.

You will play the three slaves from the empire's favorite show,

"Slap it like the Romans." Get up!

Come on! Bravo!

I haven't heard of it.

You slap each other left to right, then the other way around.

Let us begin!

- I haven't heard of it. - Slap him!

Can we do it right to left?

- Yes. - Certainly!

Let's keep going left to right.

Stop!

I still am…

Emperor, I think they would also like to play the other famous show,

"Kick it like the Romans".

You'll kick each other left to right then right to left.

Precisely! Let us continue!

General, move here…

Take my place, like you've been dreaming of.

Go!

Bravo! A wonderful spectacle!

Extraordinary!

It's strange that Rome hasn't told us of Trajan's sudden death

or about this guy's coronation.

Maybe it all happened too quickly.

- We must find out without offending him. - How?

We could try a…

Great Hadrian, perhaps you are tired.

The trip from Rome must have been tiring, perhaps you would like…

Some…

It just so happens that we are confused.

Completely!

We haven't received any news from Rome

that our emperor, Trajan, has died,

and your greatness has been crowned.

Nothing.

Dacia is a savage place.

Our couriers aren't safe.

We sent a fast courier, but… What are you insinuating?

That our people aren't efficient?

They are! Councilor, the dacophone!

The latest invention from Rome.

You can talk over great distances as if you were next to each other.

To set things things…

We shall dacophone Rome.

You can talk to a magister

or even with the president of the Senate.

Attention!

The Roman Senate. Hello!

The direct line to emperor Hadrian's office is temporarily suspended

due to a work visit in Dacia.

To talk to magistrate Venerius Cipilus, press one.

To talk to senator Zombius Awakeus, press two.

To talk to…

Magistrate Cipilus here. How may I be of assistance?

- Magistrate Venerius? - Yes?

- He can hear us. - Yes…

Ave Caesar Hadrian Aerius.

Ave Caesar Hadrian Aerius, citizen!

Quod erat demonstrandum, ya know?

Move aside, darlings.

I still say you're the prettiest of them all.

Tell me, strategist, how many treasures have you found?

None before you.

The pig is a much better friend to man than the dog.

Did they teach you to talk so dirty?

Tell me!

If you find the treasure here, what will you do with your cut?

You're talking to me? My cut?

I'll donate it to the emperor.

Give Caesar what belongs to Caesar.

I want to hear the latest gossip from Rome.

In Rome there's still…

the same thieves, liars and crooks.

The Senate is full of bums.

I want silver dormouse for dinner.

Of course, Emperor.

Bring it to me alive before cooking it.

Certainly.

Go!

I have a plan.

They never work, but go ahead!

I lure them in and you take care of them.

- So I'll do the dirty work. - Yeah.

I don't believe a word he says. He lies for sport.

"Treasure", he says. I bet he's out with one of his hoes.

What if it's true? We can buy a hair straightener,

a microvibration oven, a fridge.

- Color dacovisions! - Cool!

- How will we get them here? - I know the owner of Thracia Delivery.

Wait for me!

I could invest in dacoin.

My dear soldiers,

I am proud to have been chosen to lead a mission

which will further consolidate

the empire's grandeur, as well as our own

and our beloved emperor's, Hadrianus.

Troops…

Catch me the dormouse!

Excuse me, great emperor.

- I'll return after the massage. - Stay!

I have a question for you.

Gods have been multiplying in Rome faster than silver dormice.

Are they superstitions? Is it true?

I do not know Roman beliefs.

Zotula! I have a feeling we'll meet again.

If we don't come to you, you come looking for us, Zotula!

I feel sick!

I feel sick!

I feel sick!

I feel sick!

I feel sick!

Guys, come on!

Habemus watermelon from Dăbuleni.

Stop stuffing yourselves! Be civilized, we're Romans after all.

- Yes. - Sure!

Habemus cherries.

If we find the treasure, we'll divide it equally.

Half me, and you two get the other half.

No! I get half, and you get the rest.

No, I get half.

- Why not? - Dude…

Ave Hadrian! Morituri te salutant.

Roasted silver dormouse on a bed of maracuja,

decorated with wild lynx balls.

I told you to catch it alive.

Guards!

- Mercy! - To the lions!

That's what you ordered!

I just heard from an informant.

The Roman army is a few hours' march away.

Trust me, you don't want to be usurped by the real Hadrian.

- Hadrian is coming? - Four legions, with the golden eagle.

Brothers, the news is good!

The empire strikes back.

Let us prepare to welcome our brethren from Rome!

The empire doesn't sleep! The empire keeps working!

Of course, we too will have things to do this night.

Brothers!

Go!

We assassinate the emperor.

It's the best time, before the rest of his troops arrive.

We take him out now, in his sleep. We stick it in him.

In his sleep? It's the best.

He's a real maniac.

Glory to Rome! Emperor Hadrian.

Ave!

We will, of course, blame it on somebody else.

And this other person will be tried by us,

summarily, obviously, and eliminated.

Before that maniac's legionnaires get here.

He snores. Horribly!

- Great governor! - Get out!

So…

That filthy Hadrian snores here.

He will have the Dacian breakfast in Hades in a few hours.

Yes! We'll have to stab this pig three times more than Caesar!

And we have to burn the body immediately, so that the smell doesn't reach Rome.

- Yes! - Ecce homo. Come on in!

Come in!

I don't know why, but every time I have a dirty job to do,

I surround myself with psychos.

I mean him, friends.

Tell me, unclean one, are you ready to murder a boor today?

With how I'm feeling right now, I'm going to murder at least…

three.

Bravo! Bravo, diseased one!

You included the two clowns…

who sleep next to him. Bravo!

Seriously now!

I believe our empire's future

belongs to these degenerate brutes.

You animal!

Bravo!

Would you be terribly upset if I were to boil you alive in oil?

- The coins! - My dear coins! The jerky!

What has become of us, brothers?

Fugitives in our own kingdom!

Dressed in foreigners' clothes.

Yes. What are going to do with Zotula?

We did everything Geto-Dacianly possible.

- But you can't fight history. - True!

You just can't.

But we are Dacians, descended from Thracians.

We're descended from Dacians, who are descended from Getae,

who are descended from Thracians, same as the Dacians…

- I think that's enough. - Yes.

Don't take it to heart.

The Romans are coming back, brothers.

I can't keep running.

Zalmoxis…

Code Lightspeed!

I'm telling you, there no treasure! He lied to me again.

Holy Zalmoxis, give me strength!

I'm going to beat his ass up.

You know what? It's better if he leaves.

He can take his bitches and leave me be.

He can go to the Moon for all you care!

- Precisely! - Come on!

Make way, the bosses are coming!

Good day, blacksmith! How are you?

- Long live! - Safe work, happy family.

- It's going to rain. - Not while we're here!

You never get it right. You suck.

Stop pissing about!

I have important things to do. I don't have time for you.

- What is it? - We wouldn't have come

if we didn't have important matters to take care of.

Overwhelming, even.

- We have an animal. - So what?

Do I look like a veterinarian?

No, you're the stylist blacksmith.

By the way, I really liked the way you worked my wife over.

No, I didn't… We didn't…

Daciana. The hair, I mean.

- Yeah! - Do you have any silver paint left?

Dacian men don't dye their hair!

- We want to dye something else. - What?

- The dormouse. - We want you to paint it.

The dormouse?

- How? - Silver!

- What if it dies? - We'll put a mask on it. How much?

Stop taking the piss! I'm sick of you!

Zalmoxis is our witness that we aren't taking the piss. Us?

- Zotula himself… - Shut it!

Zotula…

- Zotula sent… Could it be? - Trust us!

- Do you have money? It's not free. - Money? No!

At least one koson.

- One? - Yes.

Won't you give us a discount? We have a sacred quest, ya know.

One koson is too much, I'll be damned if I lie!

I have an even holier mission.

- And paint isn't cheap, boys. - We know, but we can't.

I can give you the Chinese stuff. That's only one denar.

- It's still silver. - If possible.

Yes. Take the dormouse to he shop!

- Go already! - Move! Take it inside faster!

- I'll put it under. - Take care of it!

- Mr. Veti… - What now?

- As silver as possible. - Yeah, man, I got it.

I understood, I'm not deaf. Silver it is!

The execution is ready to proceed.

Great emperor, illustrious lord!

It's been a bad year for oil.

The sunflower fields withered, because the lazy Dacians didn't irrigate.

And it would be a waste to use olive oil.

Out of the kindness of my heart and to not waste the province's resources…

you will not be burned in oil.

You will be fed to the lions.

Ave!

I relish every opportunity to help out.

I will bring vegan lions.

- Mercy, great emperor! - Mercy!

We will serve you dutifully!

They know where the treasure is!

You want to live two more days?

You have two days to bring me the treasure.

Each?

No go.

- Mercy! - Mercy, please!

Mercy! Great Hadrian,

we've seen the Dacians' other big secret.

We saw it ourselves.

The dacophone. You can talk to people in Rome from here.

- It reaches everywhere. - And back!

If we bring those too, will you…

- Or won't you… - Free us?

I will free… the lions.

Dude!

Brothers, why did they call us all the way out here?

This is Zalmoxis' cave!

Turn this, to keep course.

Are we OK on fuel?

Adjust the braking system.

Coffee.

Blacksmith Veterbostes…

If the ship fails taking the silver dormouse to space,

you will be made into a slave.

Great Zalmoxis, if you don't mind, it's Veterbestos.

But you can call me whatever.

The cover on top of the ship

will withstand the Moon's weather.

There won't be any issues.

This is our sacred purpose,

to return to the far side of the Moon.

To our home, and our great ship.

Here, on Earth, and even here, inside it, the end is nigh.

Humans will ruin their home.

Some are too greedy, and others, obsessed with Dacians.

The balance is ruined.

- What are you doing? - Recording.

Don't record this!

We're working undercover.

Yes, great Zalmoxis, we make a great undercover team.

Great Zalmoxis, we have three champions

who made our mission possible.

There they are!

Show us the dormouse!

Yes.

Mr. Zalmoxis, High Priest…

We had two dormice on hand.

But one got cooked, and the other didn't wake up from the anesthesia.

So now… we ask for your forgiveness.

But we would like to propose a solution.

We could at least try, ya know.

At least…

Try it!

All systems go.

The ship is ready to launch.

T-minus five seconds. Begin the countdown.

Five, four, three, two, one…

Blast off!

Sarmizegetusa! Cugir! We have a problem!

Run! We have a problem!

Zdrelos!

Bezmetis!

Ouch!

Water! Water!

It hurts so bad!

Ouch!

Bezmetis, Zdrelos!

Ouch!

- Guys… - Yes?

Guys!

Incredible!

- We have the treasure map! Look! - What should we do?

We film part two.

Ya know…