Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Patient zero?

That's right, we know who you are, yeah.

I'm not patient zero.

Oh, bullshit, you started this pandemic.

You're a carrier, you're Tom Riley.

Yeah, I'm Tom Riley.

Why aren't you dead?

I'm not... listen, this is gonna be tough

- for you to understand. - Roger that.

But there are multiple dimensions.

Wait, wait, wait, put the gun away, wait, wait.

How the fuck am I gonna get?

Oh, fat ass, goddamn, whoa, whoa, oh, oh!

No, no, oh, shit, oh, fuck.

Hello?

What, who?

No, there's nobody here by that name.

Whoa.

Where'd this come from?

Bonus.

Whose camera is this?

Hello there.

What the fuck, was I imagining all of that?

Who the fuck was that?

Hello?

What the fuck is this?

Do I have a cat?

Oh, okay, psst, psst, psst.

Hey, here girl, boy.

What the fuck?

Oh, hello.

Hello, here, I'll throw it back up there for you, you ready?

Psst, psst, psst.

Who's up there?

Uh, this can't be.

Who the fuck?

There's no way if all these times... what the fuck is this?

This can't be happening again.

What the fuck happened here?

I need to know what I got going on here.

I need to know whether I've got somebody

in this house, or a you-know-what problem.

The ghost meter, this'll tell me.

Oh!

Jesus Christ, son of a bitch.

Oh, man.

Get this.

All right.

What the fuck am I gonna do with this?

I either got a ghost problem or a people problem,

but I plan on solving them both.

I have a weapon.

Nothing.

Nothing.

I'm coming up there.

You better come the fuck out of there.

My heart's beating out of my chest.

I know you're in there.

What are you doing in here?

When did I get a fucking cat?

Sorry.

That means we got a person in here.

There's no paranormal activity at all.

Hello?

I know this isn't a ghost.

Listen, if you just get out of here,

there's gonna be no trouble.

Just get out of here.

No.

There's nothing spiritual in here.

Whoever's in here, take this opportunity

and get the fuck out.

What the fuck is that?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no.

Son of a bitch, that was a fresh bag of chips.

What the fuck is with the dog beds?

I don't have a dog, let alone two.

Hello?

Who's out there?

Fucking throw a knife at me.

Fuck.

Scared the shit out of me.

Hello?

No, there's nobody here by that name.

I already told you this.

Fuck.

No, no, no, no, no.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, fuck it.

What the fuck is going on here?

I'm not scared of you.

Do it again, badass.

Fuck my life.

I've done this before, I'll do it again.

I need to find some equipment.

Jesus Christ.

That was a big fucking boy.

I'm a big boy, too.

Fuck, it's cold in here.

Where'd you go, big boy?

No wonder it's so cold in here, the window's open.

Let me shut this thing.

No, don't shut it?

Who's in here?

Is this Matt and Rachel?

Is this a ghost?

Do you know who I am?

You don't know who I am?

You do, now you're just fucking with me.

You know, I'm not scared of you.

Yeah, no, I'm not scared of you.

Who... who the fuck is that out there?

What, my fucking chips are gone, son of a bitch.

Hello?

Who are you?

You can stay the fuck out there, I'm not scared of you.

Well, I'm feeling mighty proud of myself.

What time does it say on that clock?

I managed to get rid of this one in less than 20 minutes?

I'm getting good at this shit.

I don't do this professionally.

Caffeine-free diet soda?

Why don't I just drink the juice from that jar of pickles?

Oh, fucking pickles.

Gift from God.

Hmm.

What the fuck is with this shit?

Who is having shit sent to my house?

And this bullshit.

Why couldn't I have a demon on a diet, dammit.

Where is that book?

Oh, thank God something's where I left it.

Now, what was I dealing with?

Or what ass did I kick out of here?

No.

What's this about a... a demon that turns into a cat?

That white cat, that little sweet, white cat is not a demon.

Well, you know what?

Hmm.

Wait, this could be my guy.

"From the list of lesser known demons, Malichi,

he is a demon known to torment persons by causing disarray.

A frequent technique he uses is

to move objects in an attempt

to make the living believe they are going insane."

Well, every room I walk into shifts someplace else,

and look, talk about disarray.

You know, that also explains the cat,

'cause I don't have a cat, but there's a cat here.

He placed it here to make me think I'm nuts.

And the dog beds, I don't have fucking dogs.

It also says, "his face is gray and ashen," which it was,

"with elongated arms that he uses

to walk with in a staggered gait.

He is driven away when his attempts

to frighten mortals are unsuccessful."

Well, he didn't scare... well, he kind of did scare me,

but he wasn't getting what he wanted, so he left.

"He considers ghosts allies and often congregates with him.

Following his departure, paranormal events often increase

if ghosts are present

because they yearn for Malichi's"... I don't know

if that, I'm even pronouncing that right.

"But they yearn for Malichi's presence

and consider anyone responsible

for his departure a target for physical harm.

Beware of what comes after the departure of the demon," ooh.

"Also, be cognizant

that Malichi's leaving often signals the arrival

of demons more powerful and malevolent.

The ghost will attack those that will not leave,

and those attacks will increase in intensity

and become more and more dangerous.

If they eventually rejoin with a demonic force,

it is likely their attacks will be life threatening."

Well, I don't get the feeling there's anything else

in this house, so.

He's gone.

Yeah, see, stuff in here was moved every time I walked back

into this room, like that wasn't there.

The phone was there 'cause I ripped it off the wall,

but stuff's moved everywhere.

Jesus Christ, it's the fucking loudest phone.

Hello?

I told you, no one lives here by that name!

How is that possible?

Hello?

Well, was this before or after I banished its ass?

So much for a little reprieve.

Let's see what the fuck's going on down here.

What the fuck,

the lights don't... of course the lights don't work.

Is that a baby crying?

Great, another freaking light that doesn't work.

That's definitely coming from over here.

Oh, that's cute.

What the fuck, I can't... ow.

I can't see.

How do I get the fuck out of here?

Here we go, here we go.

I don't know what the fuck that is in the basement,

but I need to get my bearings together

before I start dealing with that.

What, what the fuck is that out there?

The fuck is that?

Let me get.

Oh, I'll use this.

I can't see with the lights on.

There's something out there, somebody.

What the fuck else could be going on?

Oh, this is fucking beautiful.

What the fuck is he doing?

Wait, where'd he go?

Where the fuck did he...

Oh, I can't see shit out there.

Well, I don't know where he went,

or it went, but it's outside, so.

That's where it needs to stay.

So the obvious question

whoever's watching this will be asking is,

why does this guy record everything

that goes on in his life?

Well, people that have seen the previous recordings think

I'm nuts for staying here, which I probably am.

But people that don't, and I tell this to,

think I'm nuts, which is why I record it,

specifically on a camera that I don't even know

where it came from, but it's here, so I'm using it.

I don't know where half the stuff in this house came from,

the cat, the dogs I haven't seen,

but there's dog beds and toys everywhere

and dog biscuits on top of the refrigerator.

I... this one's got me baffled.

I really don't know what's going on,

but the thing that counts is that it is out there.

What the fuck happened?

I gotta unlock this fucking door.

Get the fuck off of me!

The fuck?

This fucking house of horrors.

How come that light's on?

I don't want to fucking stab you.

But I'll fucking cut you.

You know what I'm feeling right now?

I'm feeling some big dick energy.

There's nothing out there.

After all this time, anything that's trying

to get to me ought to know

I can't be fooled.

You motherfucker, come out from under there, come out!

Where the fuck is this thing?

Son of a bitch!

What the fuck?

Oh, Christ, I'm stuck.

What the fuck is this?

Where's this shit keep coming from?

Like am I a depository for ghost bullshit,

or just bullshit in... I need to open some of these boxes.

There might be something good in one of them,

a nice little bonus.

I can't see a fucking thing.

Well, at least the power is back on.

Why are the lights out in the kitchen now?

What is that smell?

If Satan had an asshole, this is what it smells like.

So that jester was outside, I chased out Malichi,

but something was in that bathroom.

But maybe like that book said,

where if they're not frightening you, they take off.

Maybe it's gone.

It's fucking cold in here, though.

The thing is about that jester,

is

I don't remember seeing that

in my book.

Man, this place is fucked up.

Let's see what I got here.

Thank God there's lots of pictures, but you know what?

What am I looking for?

I've been through this book front to back,

and I know that jester isn't in here.

Let me see, I think I had another book

that I picked up at a yard sale.

Where the fuck is that thing?

Oh, oh, oh.

"How to Rid Your House of Evil," by Ted Holmberg.

Let's see what Ted has to say.

We'll start from the beginning here.

"Any house can be invaded by evil.

The number one way to keep your house a happy home

and free of demonic possessions is

to make your house a happy house.

You have to put out flowers, play cheery music,

be positive, and no demon will want to be around."

Are you a fucking idiot?

Ted, you don't know shit.

Fucking how can this be happening?

Every time I think these things are gone,

things are quiet for a while, and then they come back.

Do I have

something in this home?

What the fuck is that smell?

Let me make sure.

So I could sure know if fucking demon turds are in there.

Everything keeps getting moved.

This is just... well, this is pretty much the way it's been.

If I have nothing in here, nothing should be getting moved.

I need to take it easy here.

Oh, fuck.

Hello?

I dare you

to come out.

Show yourself!

Well, there ain't shit in here.

What the fuck is that smell, God.

It's fucking getting cold in here.

Motherfucking.

So much for these warm fucking cheery thoughts.

I was having a nice fucking dream about ice cream.

Where are you?

I can smell you.

What a fucking shit hole.

Fuck, this is a nasty motherfucker right here,

to throw a fake fucking pumpkin at me.

I need to find some... he ain't scared of knives.

How the fuck can something even be in here?

I need a cross, where's that fucking cross?

Oh, fucking cross, I'm lucky God don't strike me dead

where I'm standing.

Fucking hit me with a fucking pumpkin?

I'm gonna hit you with my foot right in your ghost ass.

What the fuck is that, is that a brownie?

Hmm, goddamn.

I don't know where the fuck that came from, but mm.

Nothing here.

I've got this terrible feeling of dread,

like everything bad's gonna happen at once.

You motherfucker.

What the fuck was that?

Goddammit, fuck.

Fucking stabbed me, what the fuck?

I know... where the fuck is the stab mark?

I fucking know I got stabbed.

What the fuck, I'm losing my fucking mind.

I am so far in over my head.

For this one, I could sure use a hand.

What the fuck is that?

"You said you needed a hand."

It's a fucking hand, it's a fucking hand.

Oh, what the fuck?

What the fuck, what the fuck was in that brownie?

What the fuck is that?

Oh, what the fuck?

Oh, that's been running all this time?

What the fuck happened to my brownie?

Mm, it's a pretzel.

I need to do a little demon research.

What the fuck?

Hello?

All right.

Let's do a little googling.

What the fuck is going on?

I'm not typing, what the fuck is going on?

What the fuck is this?

You seeing this?

Of course you're seeing it, I'm seeing it.

"Not your home, not your home."

What the fuck, no ashes to write in?

Oh, excuse me.

"He is coming," who the fuck is he?

Well, we've been over this, this is my home.

What the fuck is that?

"Not your home, not your home, not your home,

he is coming, he is coming, he is coming."

What the fuck?

I just pulled the plug on this thing.

Fuck me, fuck you!

Let's see if old Ted here can shine

any light on this.

Let me get this on the other camera, too.

Here.

Okay, Ted.

That dude looks like what I'm looking for, page 212.

He says you should try communicating with the spirits.

Where the fuck is that thing?

There.

Okay.

This is the best way I know of.

Communicating.

Ouija board, are there any ghosts or spirits in the house?

Yes, that's what I was afraid of.

So he's saying I should communicate with these fuckers.

"Beware when communicating with the paranormal.

Be very careful," no shit.

"There is an account given of an evil occultist,

Travis McHenry, who long ago opened a portal

to the spirit world and would regularly summon evil spirits

to attack those he despised.

Unfortunately, Travis summoned the demon known

as the bringer of disease, famine, and drought.

He could not control this demon

and was drug into the portal,

never to be seen or heard from again.

The demon he summoned, Pazuzu."

Don't say that name!

Who the fuck are you?

I was a priest when I walked among the living.

Where's your body?

That name you said-

- Pazuzu?

Don't say that name!

I attempted to exorcize him from a small child.

He said I angered him because I looked like Jesus.

Like Jesus on heroin, maybe.

He tore my body apart

and spread the pieces across the land.

He is unstoppable.

Well, the good news is,

I think I can help you find your hand.

So what's he look like?

He will not show himself

to any living soul, but you will know he is here,

and he will bring other demons with him,

some of which are already here,

and they will soon launch a vicious attack against you.

So I got this evil jester running around the house,

I got this hunchback out in the driveway.

I've got I think what's your hand running around.

There's doors opening and closing, stuff that's happening.

The laptop's saying "He is coming,

he is coming, he is coming," the printer's printing out,

"He's coming, he's coming, he's coming."

When is he coming, this Pazuzu?

I said don't say that name.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, druggo Jesus, take it easy.

No, he is here!

Where is he?

Jesus Christ, my fucking life ain't getting no better.

You fucking cocksucker, who the fuck are you?

What the fuck are you?

What?

No, no, no, no.

No, no!

Oh, you cocksucker.

Come, show yourself.

Show yourself!

Fucking pants are falling down.

What the fuck is that smell?

What the fuck?

Oh my God.

Fucking

flush the toilet for Christ's sakes.

Fuck this.

You motherfucker.

Oh, that fucking hurt, you bastard.

I need to get the fuck out of this house.

Wait, I can't get out the front door,

but I can get out that window, that's how I got in,

and I'm gonna take this camera with me... and a flashlight

and the cross, who left these here?

This is perfect.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

I need this, I need this.

How the fuck?

Fucking cunt.

Simone Biles I'm not.

What the fuck?

Goddammit.

Who the fuck are you?

I think I shook it.

Stop it!

Listen, this may be the last will and testament

of Tom Riley, but I don't know whether I'm better off

in there or out here in these haunted woods.

But I've come to realize that this is not

about that house being haunted.

This is about this land being haunted.

What the fuck was that?

I think I'm gonna go deeper into the woods here

and try and put some distance between me and the house.

But the fact of it is, is this is haunted property.

There's things going on here,

so long before this house was even here,

there was something here that has brought this on.

What the fuck was that?

What the fuck are you doing out here?

What are you pointing at?

What is that up there?

How do you zoom this thing?

Ugh, druggo Jesus, I can't leave him in there.

What the fuck is that?

Ugh.

Bitch, I know, I'm going back there in a minute.

Where the fuck?

I gotta go in there and save him from this bullshit.

Here I go again with this bullshit.

I guess the thought never... oh, God,

crossed my fucking mind about eating a fucking carrot.

Size 44, my ass.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh.

Holmberg, you'd better be right.

Music.

Okay, flowers.

Hey, Ben, Ben?

Listen, here's a list of shit I need you to get,

and I need you to get it quick, and be nice to the lady.

Druggo Jesus, all right, Father Murphy,

I know that's your real name.

I met you here in this house a couple

of years ago at Christmas.

Father Murphy?

Hello?

Father Murphy?

Oh shit.

Do I want to go up here?

In the name of Jesus Christ, get out!

Well, that worked.

In the name of Jesus Christ, get out!

Oh, that was convenient.

Father Murphy?

Father Murphy?

Father Murphy?

Father Murphy, what the fuck?

I don't want to play anymore.

I want to get the fuck out of here.

Father Murphy, where's your floating nugget?

Father Murphy!

Pazuzu, you're not supposed to show yourself.

In the name of Jesus Christ, get out!

In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you, get out!

I'm not scared of you, in the name of Jesus Christ, get out!

Oh my God.

What the fuck is this guy?

I can't do this alone.

Brother, you're not alone.

I'm here, too.

Oh, man, of all the Toms from all the parallel universes,

- I had to be you? - Why are you body shaming us?

You're fucking disgusting, get out of here.

Ugh, deal with it yourself.

You're just disgusting, go, go, go.

Sorry about that.

Thank God you're here.

How can I help?

Find druggo Jesus.

Who?

His real name's Father Murphy, he's a priest.

Find his head, it's somewhere in this house.

You killed a priest?

No, I didn't kill a priest, come on.

I've been beaten, stabbed, I even fell on something

that went up my ass and I think it's still there.

I just need you to find his head and get it out of here.

You're probably gonna find it upstairs

where there were these two demons.

I took care of them, there's one left

and I can't figure him out.

But I read something, and it's ridiculous,

but I'm gonna try it.

Why not just leave, then?

Because getting rid

of this demon will undo all the horrible things he's done.

Now please, just find that head and get it out of here.

All right, I'm on it.

Thank you, Tom.

Oh, and Tom, it's a floating head.

What?

The head, it floats.

Looking for a floating Jesus head.

That's a first.

Hello, hello, hello?

What the fuck am I even looking for?

This is fucking crazy.

Here goes nothing, Ted Holmberg, I sure hope you're right.

These fucking cat toys, does he have a cat?

Where the fuck is this Jesus head?

I'm over here.

Say that again?

I'm over here.

I hear you, I hear you, I hear you.

Behold, druggo Jesus, how you feeling?

I have a bit of a headache.

All right, I'm going to get you out of here.

I've got an idea.

I'm just gonna put you in here so I can carry you

and keep you hidden.

Can you breathe okay?

I don't need to breathe.

Oh, that's right, sorry.

Sorry.

He's having a dance party now?

The fuck is wrong with him?

Oh, calm down.

Hey, big guy, this is all for you!

Hey, Ben, I could really use that package about now!

Thanks.

Flowers, this is a happy house!

Get out!

Yes, yes, Tom Riley, undefeated!

Pazuzu, out of here, out of here, thanks, Ben!

Fuck.

I'm fucking exhausted.

Ugh.

What the hell is that?

You've gotta be kidding me.

Way to go, Father Murphy.

Did that door just open?

Who the hell is here?

Hello?

Who the fuck are you?

Man, it's cold in here.

Hello?

Hello?

Yeah, it's Holly.

Obviously the phone's working if you're talking to me.

Why didn't you just call me on my cellphone?

Listen, I'll call you but I've gotta let the dogs out,

they're going crazy, all right.

She can't see me.

Hey, puppies.

Hi, come on, come on, let's go out there.

Come on, come over here, come over here.

I didn't think to check the fucking bedroom.

I'm dead.

Down, down.

I'm dead, she can't see me 'cause I'm dead,

and that's why I could see Pazuzu.

I guess I can go out through the front door now.

Come here.

See you guys.

Don't shit in the house.

How'd this get out here?

You know what, fuck it, I earned it, bonus.

I hear you.

Well, now what?

What's this, oh, shit, I didn't know there was a video light

on this thing, that sure makes it easier to see.

Well,

this is kind of morbid, but I'm headed out

where I think I died,

to see if,

see if there's a body there.

Oh, no.

Well, that's my shoes, my pants, my shirt.

That's definitely me.

My glasses.

And there's a bullet hole, I'm sorry, buddy.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Hello?

Turn around?

Good girl, Sable, where's Sophie and Archer?

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