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1
00:00:02,241 --> 00:00:04,006
What do they say
in "The Guardian"?
2
00:00:04,007 --> 00:00:05,605
Guardian guide pick of the day.
3
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:06,904
All right.
4
00:00:06,905 --> 00:00:08,304
Oh, pick of the day...
This will be a good review then.
5
00:00:08,305 --> 00:00:10,003
[ Laughs ]
6
00:00:10,004 --> 00:00:13,068
"I can see that it's
a ball-achingly dull series."
7
00:00:13,069 --> 00:00:15,867
[ Laughs ]
8
00:00:15,868 --> 00:00:18,599
Have you ever...
Has your balls ever ached
9
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:19,765
from watching a program?
10
00:00:19,766 --> 00:00:20,932
Have you ever watched a program
and gone,
11
00:00:20,933 --> 00:00:22,364
"Don't know
if I'm enjoying this,
12
00:00:22,365 --> 00:00:23,763
"but me balls are aching.
I hate it.
13
00:00:23,764 --> 00:00:25,329
This is the dullest thing.
Oh, I'm gone."
14
00:00:25,330 --> 00:00:27,095
It doesn't...
I don't know what that means.
15
00:00:27,096 --> 00:00:30,560
His balls are aching
'cause the series is that dull.
16
00:00:30,561 --> 00:00:33,292
If tv that he doesn't like
makes his balls ache,
17
00:00:33,293 --> 00:00:35,323
why didn't he turn it off
quicker?
18
00:00:35,324 --> 00:00:36,557
[ Laughs ]
19
00:00:36,558 --> 00:00:38,122
He must get a twinge and go,
"Oh."
20
00:00:38,123 --> 00:00:39,155
[ Laughs ]
21
00:00:41,922 --> 00:00:45,120
The seven wonders of the world...
22
00:00:45,121 --> 00:00:47,517
Christ the Redeemer...
23
00:00:47,518 --> 00:00:50,317
The Taj Mahal...
24
00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:51,916
The great pyramids...
25
00:00:51,917 --> 00:00:54,948
truly man's greatest achievements.
26
00:00:54,949 --> 00:00:59,412
But there's one man
who sees them differently.
27
00:00:59,413 --> 00:01:01,178
Most of the world is grim.
28
00:01:02,244 --> 00:01:04,410
Karl Pilkington.
29
00:01:04,411 --> 00:01:05,775
[ Gags ]
30
00:01:05,776 --> 00:01:08,441
It's hard to let people know
how bad it is.
31
00:01:08,442 --> 00:01:10,240
Oh [bleep]
32
00:01:10,241 --> 00:01:11,973
[ Metal detector whirs ]
33
00:01:11,974 --> 00:01:13,672
I was ill, fed up...
34
00:01:13,673 --> 00:01:14,572
I want to go home.
35
00:01:14,573 --> 00:01:15,713
...Tired,
36
00:01:15,832 --> 00:01:17,171
and didn't like where I was.
37
00:01:17,172 --> 00:01:18,303
Man: Karl,
where are you going?
38
00:01:18,304 --> 00:01:19,668
Karl!
39
00:01:19,669 --> 00:01:21,702
I'm not staying that room.
What's it about?
40
00:01:21,703 --> 00:01:23,367
[ Grunting ]
41
00:01:23,368 --> 00:01:25,333
The stuff that these eyes
have seen...
42
00:01:28,231 --> 00:01:30,197
Oh, what a [bleep] sight.
43
00:01:30,198 --> 00:01:31,930
There's loads of things that you
go, "Why so you do that?"
44
00:01:31,931 --> 00:01:33,662
And they go,
"It's tradition."
45
00:01:33,663 --> 00:01:36,328
Why is this a traditional
Chinese massage?
46
00:01:36,329 --> 00:01:38,193
[ Screams ]
47
00:01:38,194 --> 00:01:40,325
Your body's in proper shock.
48
00:01:40,326 --> 00:01:42,958
I don't like having danger
in me life.
49
00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:44,457
[ Shouting indistinctly ]
50
00:01:44,458 --> 00:01:45,790
Who are you giving
all this [bleep]
51
00:01:45,791 --> 00:01:48,155
I say we give him
all this [bleep] too.
52
00:01:48,156 --> 00:01:50,620
If I had a bad heart,
that could have done me in.
53
00:01:51,888 --> 00:01:53,552
[Bleep]
54
00:01:53,553 --> 00:01:55,184
[Bleep]
55
00:01:55,185 --> 00:01:56,917
I'm not doing any more anyway.
56
00:01:56,918 --> 00:01:58,083
It's the end of it.
57
00:01:58,084 --> 00:02:01,948
Just let me go home!
[Bleep]
58
00:02:01,949 --> 00:02:05,661
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
59
00:02:06,928 --> 00:02:10,360
Hello, and welcome to episode
eight of "An Idiot Abroad"
60
00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:11,822
with me, Ricky Gervais,
61
00:02:11,942 --> 00:02:13,476
Stephen Merchant...
Hello.
62
00:02:13,595 --> 00:02:15,474
...And the eponymous hero...
63
00:02:16,571 --> 00:02:17,600
Karl Pilkington.
64
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:18,665
Right.
65
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,457
I suppose this is a...
a roundup.
66
00:02:21,576 --> 00:02:22,109
In a way.
67
00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:23,404
We've watched the series.
68
00:02:23,523 --> 00:02:26,592
We've laughed. We've cried.
We've got angry.
69
00:02:26,712 --> 00:02:28,489
I got bored, as well.
70
00:02:29,634 --> 00:02:30,580
But welcome back, Karl,
71
00:02:30,699 --> 00:02:32,700
because, you know,
it's quite an adventure.
72
00:02:34,799 --> 00:02:36,464
[ Camel snorts ]
73
00:02:36,465 --> 00:02:37,897
[ Birds chirping ]
74
00:02:39,031 --> 00:02:40,461
Pilkington:
You can see it for miles...
75
00:02:40,581 --> 00:02:42,739
Goes on for miles over the hills
and everything,
76
00:02:42,860 --> 00:02:44,486
but so does the M6.
77
00:02:44,606 --> 00:02:47,359
[ Indistinct conversations ]
78
00:02:48,341 --> 00:02:50,025
It's almost like a...
79
00:02:50,145 --> 00:02:51,926
you know,
like a diamond in a turd.
80
00:02:55,722 --> 00:02:57,235
You don't see that
in the brochure, do you?
81
00:02:59,028 --> 00:03:00,771
[Bleep] old nappy
whizzing through the air.
82
00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:02,682
Tend to leave that out.
83
00:03:03,666 --> 00:03:06,252
The stuff that these eyes
have seen...
84
00:03:06,372 --> 00:03:07,309
Right.
85
00:03:07,656 --> 00:03:08,890
...They'll remember it.
86
00:03:09,010 --> 00:03:10,659
Well, it's funny you should say
about your eyes
87
00:03:10,779 --> 00:03:13,604
because I've been consulting
your diary here.
88
00:03:14,089 --> 00:03:15,669
It says, "The other reason
I'm finding it hard to relax
89
00:03:15,790 --> 00:03:17,532
"is that there always seems
to be something going on,
90
00:03:17,652 --> 00:03:18,720
"something to take in.
91
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,751
"I think I've blinked less
since I've been here
92
00:03:20,870 --> 00:03:21,988
"as I don't want
to miss anything,
93
00:03:22,108 --> 00:03:24,082
"so my eyes have been open
longer than normal.
94
00:03:24,202 --> 00:03:25,994
Maybe that's why my eyes
are so tired."
95
00:03:26,114 --> 00:03:27,738
When I was there,
I was using me eyes more.
96
00:03:27,796 --> 00:03:30,471
When I'm here, sometimes I don't
know what they're doing.
97
00:03:30,591 --> 00:03:31,837
[ Laughs ]
98
00:03:32,552 --> 00:03:33,380
Are you with me?
99
00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:35,067
No.
What do you mean?
100
00:03:35,428 --> 00:03:37,659
Life here can be quite boring
for your eyes.
101
00:03:37,779 --> 00:03:40,458
Sometimes driving,
I get to some place,
102
00:03:40,577 --> 00:03:41,528
and I go,
"How did I get here?"
103
00:03:42,662 --> 00:03:44,196
And it's because
you're not really looking
104
00:03:44,316 --> 00:03:44,913
where you're going.
105
00:03:45,033 --> 00:03:46,158
[ Laughs ]
While driving?
106
00:03:46,277 --> 00:03:48,084
No, it's only...
a lot of things in life
107
00:03:48,204 --> 00:03:49,901
that makes your eyes sort of go,
"Oh."
108
00:03:50,020 --> 00:03:50,934
Well, there's been a lot things,
hasn't there?
109
00:03:51,054 --> 00:03:53,652
Food... you've seen some pretty
grotesque things...
110
00:03:53,771 --> 00:03:56,046
Like that fellow there
who was your driver in China.
111
00:03:56,166 --> 00:03:59,243
Oh, man, this is incredible.
112
00:03:59,755 --> 00:04:00,457
Look at this lot.
113
00:04:01,477 --> 00:04:02,623
Thank you.
114
00:04:04,033 --> 00:04:05,030
Dish is all right.
115
00:04:05,850 --> 00:04:07,332
What's he having over there?
116
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:09,502
[ Slurps ]
117
00:04:09,621 --> 00:04:10,841
Good [bleep]
118
00:04:11,270 --> 00:04:13,930
Does he know it's not all
in one piece, that noodle?
119
00:04:14,450 --> 00:04:15,487
[ Slurps ]
120
00:04:15,607 --> 00:04:17,314
Are we in a race?
I didn't realize...
121
00:04:17,434 --> 00:04:18,159
Mmm.
122
00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:18,938
I mean, what...
123
00:04:19,584 --> 00:04:20,718
Why is he in a hurry?
124
00:04:21,388 --> 00:04:22,969
I'm in his van.
Should I be getting a move on?
125
00:04:23,089 --> 00:04:24,616
He's giving me a lift home.
126
00:04:25,212 --> 00:04:26,244
Mmm.
127
00:04:26,245 --> 00:04:28,117
[ Slurps ]
128
00:04:28,236 --> 00:04:29,540
The suction on that...
129
00:04:29,659 --> 00:04:31,122
It's just one minute,
it's there.
130
00:04:31,241 --> 00:04:33,109
It's like opening
an airplane window.
131
00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:34,577
It just all sucks out.
132
00:04:34,697 --> 00:04:35,804
[ Slurps ]
133
00:04:35,924 --> 00:04:37,085
[ Speaking Chinese ]
134
00:04:37,205 --> 00:04:39,871
[ Slurping ]
135
00:04:40,684 --> 00:04:42,281
That's it.
He's eaten it.
136
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,148
I've hardly touched this.
137
00:04:45,406 --> 00:04:47,013
What's he got now?
138
00:04:48,942 --> 00:04:52,181
What is that?
I think it's chicken's feet.
139
00:04:54,103 --> 00:04:56,793
You don't pick a food
by what sort of feet it's got.
140
00:04:56,912 --> 00:04:59,140
Just... just have chicken
if he wants chicken.
141
00:04:59,141 --> 00:05:00,406
We're paying.
142
00:05:00,407 --> 00:05:01,938
He could have had anything
he wanted.
143
00:05:01,939 --> 00:05:03,272
And he's spitting it out now.
144
00:05:03,273 --> 00:05:05,370
He's just spitting its nails out
by the looks of things.
145
00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:06,970
No, thanks.
You're all right.
146
00:05:07,446 --> 00:05:10,375
He's been munching, like,
mentos in the van.
147
00:05:10,953 --> 00:05:12,063
He's never offered me
one of them.
148
00:05:12,183 --> 00:05:12,889
It's come to chicken feet,
149
00:05:13,009 --> 00:05:14,799
suddenly he's keen for me
to have one.
150
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,666
He's just spitting stuff out.
151
00:05:16,786 --> 00:05:18,430
He's chewing on it.
He's spitting on it.
152
00:05:18,431 --> 00:05:20,329
I can't eat this.
153
00:05:20,330 --> 00:05:21,630
[ Gags ]
154
00:05:21,872 --> 00:05:23,162
See that there?
155
00:05:23,163 --> 00:05:24,494
It's his van.
156
00:05:24,495 --> 00:05:26,760
He'll have to clean it up.
157
00:05:26,761 --> 00:05:28,159
[ Gags ]
158
00:05:30,192 --> 00:05:32,190
You're not having pudding,
are you?
159
00:05:32,191 --> 00:05:33,790
Gervais:
See, I'm with you on that.
160
00:05:33,791 --> 00:05:35,921
There's no reason to eat
like that.
161
00:05:35,922 --> 00:05:38,553
I don't think you'll ever hear
of a Chinese man
162
00:05:38,554 --> 00:05:41,452
who starved to death...
Because there's no reason to.
163
00:05:41,453 --> 00:05:44,151
Street food out there...
I thought street food meant,
164
00:05:44,152 --> 00:05:46,816
you know, you have chefs
on the street cooking food.
165
00:05:46,817 --> 00:05:48,483
They don't mean that.
It's street food.
166
00:05:48,484 --> 00:05:50,215
Whatever's crawling about,
they grab and eat.
167
00:05:50,216 --> 00:05:52,180
[ Laughing ] Do they?
Yeah, honestly.
168
00:05:52,181 --> 00:05:54,979
Are they dead?
Are they toads?
169
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,312
Honest to God, that market,
170
00:05:56,313 --> 00:05:58,511
I thought it was a myth,
all that, before I went.
171
00:05:58,512 --> 00:06:00,543
I thought, "They don't eat
weird stuff like that
172
00:06:00,544 --> 00:06:01,942
'cause there's no need."
173
00:06:01,943 --> 00:06:03,142
There's loads of stuff
in the world.
174
00:06:03,143 --> 00:06:04,742
You don't have to get
to that level yet.
175
00:06:04,743 --> 00:06:06,308
I think even in "Lost,"
that program,
176
00:06:06,309 --> 00:06:08,705
they didn't even get
to insects.
177
00:06:08,706 --> 00:06:10,938
They were stuck on an island
there with coconuts.
178
00:06:10,939 --> 00:06:13,237
At no point do you see one
going off to eat a squid
179
00:06:13,238 --> 00:06:15,969
or a lizard or a scorpion.
180
00:06:15,970 --> 00:06:17,335
It never happened.
181
00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:19,401
Yet there, they just,
"I'll have that."
182
00:06:19,402 --> 00:06:22,233
Not a problem...
just shoving them in her face.
183
00:06:22,234 --> 00:06:24,632
I mean, I don't they do "I'm
a celebrity...Get me out there!"
184
00:06:24,633 --> 00:06:26,597
In China, because they'd go,
"What the problem?
185
00:06:26,598 --> 00:06:28,263
A lovely all-you-can-eat buffet
there."
186
00:06:28,264 --> 00:06:30,162
[ Both laugh ]
Not a problem for them.
187
00:06:33,061 --> 00:06:36,759
[ Man snorting ]
188
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:41,057
That thing on the bus when
they were all going [Snorting]
189
00:06:41,058 --> 00:06:44,155
It's disgusting... doesn't
matter where you're from.
190
00:06:44,156 --> 00:06:45,622
I don't know what you have to do
over there
191
00:06:45,623 --> 00:06:47,287
to offend someone.
192
00:06:47,288 --> 00:06:50,152
Just farting,
burping, spitting.
193
00:06:50,153 --> 00:06:52,651
That driver, he farted
three times one morning.
194
00:06:52,652 --> 00:06:55,616
No one sort of went, "Oh,"
had a laugh about it.
195
00:06:55,617 --> 00:06:57,848
"You dirty sod."
Nothing... just carried on.
196
00:06:57,849 --> 00:07:00,513
But that's the way they are.
In a way, are they right?
197
00:07:00,514 --> 00:07:03,512
Is that the way we should live?
198
00:07:03,513 --> 00:07:06,211
I don't know.
199
00:07:06,212 --> 00:07:09,743
Noise has been a big thing
on the whole trip.
200
00:07:09,744 --> 00:07:11,742
Well, ok,
here you're complaining about
201
00:07:11,743 --> 00:07:14,174
all the noise in Brazil.
202
00:07:14,175 --> 00:07:16,473
Mears just haven't stopped
since I've been here.
203
00:07:16,474 --> 00:07:20,072
They've been overworked with
constant, you know, drums...
204
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:21,303
[ Drums beating ]
205
00:07:21,304 --> 00:07:22,936
...Singing...
[ Indistinct singing ]
206
00:07:22,937 --> 00:07:24,835
...Whistles...
[ Whistle blowing ]
207
00:07:24,836 --> 00:07:26,501
...Chanting...
[ Indistinct chanting ]
208
00:07:26,502 --> 00:07:28,001
...Dogs...
[ Dog barking ]
209
00:07:28,002 --> 00:07:30,699
...Helicopters...Gays...
210
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,265
Warm massage for your ego.
211
00:07:33,266 --> 00:07:34,930
Gays wouldn't normally be
on that list,
212
00:07:34,931 --> 00:07:36,597
but the one I met here
just wouldn't shut up.
213
00:07:36,598 --> 00:07:40,594
Now, I went to Brazil
during carnival time.
214
00:07:40,595 --> 00:07:41,827
I had a whale of a time.
215
00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:43,626
I really enjoyed myself...
Great.
216
00:07:43,627 --> 00:07:45,824
It's lively, it's vibrant,
loads going on.
217
00:07:45,825 --> 00:07:49,390
People are in good spirits...
color, energy.
218
00:07:49,391 --> 00:07:50,656
You... nothing but...
219
00:07:50,657 --> 00:07:53,121
Well, because I don't like,
220
00:07:53,122 --> 00:07:55,320
you know, the carnival
and the block parties.
221
00:07:55,321 --> 00:07:58,086
It's all... parties for me...
I've never liked them anyway.
222
00:07:58,087 --> 00:08:00,917
I've never really had them.
I've never had a birthday party.
223
00:08:00,918 --> 00:08:02,816
I just...
when I see them,
224
00:08:02,817 --> 00:08:06,682
you know, like that advert for
Iceland... Iceland supermarket.
225
00:08:06,683 --> 00:08:09,746
You see Kerry Katona
and Christopher Biggins...
226
00:08:09,747 --> 00:08:11,113
[ Up-tempo music playing ]
227
00:08:13,545 --> 00:08:16,976
I don't look at that and go, "That
looks like a good night." No.
228
00:08:16,977 --> 00:08:18,342
But you're meant to,
aren't you?
229
00:08:18,343 --> 00:08:19,942
It's meant to give you
a good feeling.
230
00:08:19,943 --> 00:08:21,207
Iceland supermarket...
231
00:08:21,208 --> 00:08:22,640
Look at the fun you can have
with the food.
232
00:08:22,641 --> 00:08:25,040
I don't know why that party
would be happening. [ Laughs ]
233
00:08:25,041 --> 00:08:28,104
But I don't look at that and go,
"I'd love to be there,"
234
00:08:28,105 --> 00:08:29,137
and it was the same in Brazil.
235
00:08:29,138 --> 00:08:30,869
I don't like false fun.
236
00:08:30,870 --> 00:08:33,368
That's what it is...
false fun.
237
00:08:33,369 --> 00:08:35,235
I don't like it
when people organize stuff.
238
00:08:35,236 --> 00:08:36,301
Come 'round Thursday.
239
00:08:36,302 --> 00:08:37,934
Come 'round and have a drink
and a chat.
240
00:08:37,935 --> 00:08:39,666
I don't know
how I'll feel on Thursday.
241
00:08:39,667 --> 00:08:41,031
But you'd never get
anything done
242
00:08:41,032 --> 00:08:42,497
if you didn't have a bit
of planning.
243
00:08:42,498 --> 00:08:45,096
No, because you just...
you go with it.
244
00:08:45,097 --> 00:08:49,360
It's good because you could
go up to somebody and go,
245
00:08:49,361 --> 00:08:50,560
"Fancy coming 'round tonight?
246
00:08:50,561 --> 00:08:51,959
We got some beers
and have a chat."
247
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,091
I wish you'd have said,
"I'm going to a party."
248
00:08:54,092 --> 00:08:56,058
No, you're not.
No, you're not.
249
00:08:56,059 --> 00:08:57,256
Because isn't such a thing
as planning.
250
00:08:57,257 --> 00:08:58,690
I'm just in the mood.
I'm walking down the street.
251
00:08:58,691 --> 00:09:00,389
Okay.
I see you.
252
00:09:00,390 --> 00:09:01,921
Fancy coming 'round tonight?
253
00:09:01,922 --> 00:09:03,453
No.
[ Laughs ]
254
00:09:03,454 --> 00:09:04,353
Why not?
255
00:09:04,354 --> 00:09:06,919
I need more...
256
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:08,617
No, it's not really...
Why?
257
00:09:08,618 --> 00:09:11,150
I left a chicken out.
It goes off tomorrow.
258
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:12,415
And I go along.
259
00:09:12,416 --> 00:09:13,981
Hi, Steve.
You coming 'round tonight?
260
00:09:13,982 --> 00:09:15,548
He's having chicken with me.
261
00:09:15,549 --> 00:09:17,647
Well, no, but I didn't know that
'cause we hadn't arranged that,
262
00:09:17,648 --> 00:09:18,879
so I got something
going on, Rick.
263
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,178
[ Laughing ]
Oh, sorry.
264
00:09:20,179 --> 00:09:22,211
I can't eat a whole chicken.
Do you want a chicken?
265
00:09:22,212 --> 00:09:23,777
Okay.
266
00:09:23,778 --> 00:09:24,976
And there you go, see?
267
00:09:24,977 --> 00:09:26,042
So my night
is better than yours.
268
00:09:26,043 --> 00:09:28,008
I'm eating your chicken.
269
00:09:28,009 --> 00:09:29,407
I'm having
a free night out here
270
00:09:29,408 --> 00:09:31,073
because there was
no planning going on,
271
00:09:31,074 --> 00:09:33,406
and I'm getting a free night
of chicken.
272
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:34,704
[ Laughing ] What?
273
00:09:34,705 --> 00:09:37,538
Now, imagine if,
on the Wednesday before,
274
00:09:37,539 --> 00:09:39,802
you went...
What day is it now?
275
00:09:39,803 --> 00:09:41,902
What day was today?
Tuesday.
276
00:09:41,903 --> 00:09:43,567
So, Tuesday, we're all walking
down the street.
277
00:09:43,568 --> 00:09:44,966
I always get e-mails from people
going,
278
00:09:44,967 --> 00:09:46,599
"Are you coming out
next week?"
279
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,065
I don't know.
I don't know.
280
00:09:48,066 --> 00:09:49,964
[ Laughing ]
He doesn't know!
281
00:09:49,965 --> 00:09:53,062
I don't like it.
282
00:09:57,958 --> 00:09:58,990
Hello!
283
00:09:58,991 --> 00:10:00,356
Mr. Ashake.
284
00:10:00,357 --> 00:10:01,555
Ashake?
285
00:10:01,556 --> 00:10:02,755
Nice to meet you, Karlitos.
286
00:10:02,756 --> 00:10:03,754
How you doing?
287
00:10:05,221 --> 00:10:06,687
Pilkington: All right,
didn't wave back,
288
00:10:06,688 --> 00:10:08,952
so they don't know
what that means,
289
00:10:08,953 --> 00:10:10,085
or they hate me already.
290
00:10:10,086 --> 00:10:11,217
I don't know.
291
00:10:11,218 --> 00:10:13,550
He reminded me of Bill Oddie.
292
00:10:13,551 --> 00:10:14,883
I'm just looking at him
thinking,
293
00:10:14,884 --> 00:10:18,481
"I'm seeing
the goodies for ages."
294
00:10:18,482 --> 00:10:19,946
[ Speaking native language ]
295
00:10:19,947 --> 00:10:21,645
What?
296
00:10:21,646 --> 00:10:23,712
[ Speaking native language ]
297
00:10:23,713 --> 00:10:25,144
What's that?
298
00:10:25,145 --> 00:10:28,243
And then the other babaa
looked like Jim Morrison.
299
00:10:28,244 --> 00:10:33,041
[ Singing in native language ]
300
00:10:33,042 --> 00:10:35,372
[ Speaking native language ]
301
00:10:35,373 --> 00:10:36,738
Hang on a minute.
302
00:10:36,739 --> 00:10:39,604
[ Chanting ]
303
00:10:43,202 --> 00:10:45,401
I'm not socializing.
I don't do that.
304
00:10:45,402 --> 00:10:47,833
I've always said
you only need seven mates
305
00:10:47,834 --> 00:10:49,931
to get you through life...
That's it.
306
00:10:49,932 --> 00:10:51,830
That's why, you know, I've mentioned
snow white with the midgets.
307
00:10:51,831 --> 00:10:53,563
She had them all covered
in seven...
308
00:10:53,564 --> 00:10:55,562
Same thing again with friends.
309
00:10:55,563 --> 00:10:57,461
Merchant: You met a lot
of interesting characters.
310
00:10:57,462 --> 00:10:59,028
Tell us about your favorites.
311
00:10:59,029 --> 00:11:01,027
Who are the ones
that stick in the mind?
312
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:02,326
What about Selso in Brazil?
313
00:11:02,327 --> 00:11:05,292
♪>Tall and tan and youn>>and handsom> ♪
314
00:11:05,293 --> 00:11:08,723
♪ the boy from Ipanema
goes walking ♪
315
00:11:08,724 --> 00:11:13,887
♪ and when he passes, each one
he passes goes, "Ooh" ♪
316
00:11:13,888 --> 00:11:15,819
Pilkington: I thought he was
all right... Selso.
317
00:11:15,820 --> 00:11:18,717
You know, he's a different...
different sort of mate.
318
00:11:18,718 --> 00:11:20,817
What was your first thought
319
00:11:20,818 --> 00:11:22,449
when he walked out
looking like that?
320
00:11:22,450 --> 00:11:24,949
[ Fan clacks ]
321
00:11:24,950 --> 00:11:26,414
Oh [bleep] What was that?
322
00:11:26,415 --> 00:11:27,480
It's just weird.
323
00:11:27,481 --> 00:11:28,780
It's like you've had
324
00:11:28,781 --> 00:11:32,012
Worzel Gummidge
sort of change the head...
325
00:11:32,013 --> 00:11:33,410
Change the heads.
326
00:11:33,411 --> 00:11:34,976
It's a little bit freaky.
327
00:11:34,977 --> 00:11:37,175
Why are you referring
to Worzel Gummidge?
328
00:11:37,176 --> 00:11:39,807
Why'd you make no effort
to try and speak to people
329
00:11:39,808 --> 00:11:41,340
in terms they might understand?
330
00:11:41,341 --> 00:11:43,006
What's the chances of him
in Brazil
331
00:11:43,007 --> 00:11:44,472
knowing who Worzel Gummidge is?
332
00:11:44,473 --> 00:11:46,005
There's people watching this
333
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:48,136
who won't remember
who Worzel Gummidge is.
334
00:11:48,137 --> 00:11:51,935
He just seemed very sort of
well... well into the arts.
335
00:11:51,936 --> 00:11:53,568
[ Laughs ]
336
00:11:53,569 --> 00:11:55,567
And it's his mates, as well.
337
00:11:55,568 --> 00:11:57,132
Marcelo.
Marcelo. I'm Karl.
338
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,665
Pleased to meet you.
Hi, Karl.
339
00:11:58,666 --> 00:11:59,831
How you doing?
340
00:11:59,832 --> 00:12:01,830
Welcome to Rio.
You're happy.
341
00:12:01,831 --> 00:12:05,228
I have never sort of met
a gay man so gay.
342
00:12:05,229 --> 00:12:09,194
It was just that voice,
that sort of over the top.
343
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:12,324
Nice enough, but I can't see us
getting on long term.
344
00:12:12,325 --> 00:12:13,324
No?
345
00:12:13,325 --> 00:12:14,557
Do you know what?
346
00:12:14,558 --> 00:12:15,923
It's a good job
I wasn't born gay
347
00:12:15,924 --> 00:12:17,588
because I don't know
what I'd do.
348
00:12:17,589 --> 00:12:20,187
Why not? If you're gay,
you'll be loving it, won't you?
349
00:12:20,188 --> 00:12:22,320
I wouldn't.
I don't think I'm suited to it.
350
00:12:22,321 --> 00:12:23,820
Merchant: Why?
351
00:12:23,821 --> 00:12:27,217
Just the lifestyle...
I mean, parties and stuff.
352
00:12:27,218 --> 00:12:30,350
Because the lifestyle, the way
they walk about over there,
353
00:12:30,351 --> 00:12:33,114
showing off, being quite a...
354
00:12:33,115 --> 00:12:36,213
Okay, you wake up gay...
Tomorrow.
355
00:12:36,214 --> 00:12:38,145
What's the first thing you do?
356
00:12:38,146 --> 00:12:40,144
Do you get a boyfriend,
or do you play the field?
357
00:12:40,145 --> 00:12:42,811
I think I play the field.
358
00:12:42,812 --> 00:12:45,109
Yeah, are you gonna talk
the same?
359
00:12:45,110 --> 00:12:47,407
Yeah, maybe in time.
I suppose things rub off.
360
00:12:47,408 --> 00:12:49,940
If I'm knocking about
with John Inmans of the world,
361
00:12:49,941 --> 00:12:53,372
I'm probably gonna start maybe
a little sort of...
362
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:55,104
Give me something to say.
363
00:12:55,105 --> 00:12:57,836
Oh, hello.
I haven't seen you for ages.
364
00:12:57,837 --> 00:12:59,501
All right,
so it'd a bit different.
365
00:12:59,502 --> 00:13:01,567
Maybe the "Oh, hello."
Right.
366
00:13:01,568 --> 00:13:03,000
"I haven't seen you
for ages."
367
00:13:03,001 --> 00:13:04,233
It'd be little things
like that,
368
00:13:04,234 --> 00:13:05,466
and people would suddenly go,
369
00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:07,165
"Have you met Karl recently?
He sounds different."
370
00:13:07,166 --> 00:13:08,864
So, you go home.
You go home.
371
00:13:08,865 --> 00:13:11,163
Your dad goes, "Hello, son.
How's it going?
372
00:13:11,164 --> 00:13:12,696
Been doing
any D.I.Y. recently?"
373
00:13:12,697 --> 00:13:14,095
Hello, dad.
374
00:13:14,096 --> 00:13:16,926
I've been there for a bit.
375
00:13:16,927 --> 00:13:18,925
[ Speaks indistinctly ]
How's Suzanne?
376
00:13:18,926 --> 00:13:23,356
Uh...
I'm not with her anymore.
377
00:13:23,357 --> 00:13:25,523
[ Both laugh ]
378
00:13:25,524 --> 00:13:28,254
This is pointless
because it's not...
379
00:13:28,255 --> 00:13:29,987
The life I would choose.
380
00:13:29,988 --> 00:13:32,186
Okay, but you've woken up gay.
381
00:13:32,187 --> 00:13:34,418
But I wouldn't believe it then.
382
00:13:34,419 --> 00:13:36,217
I'd just go,
"Oh, I feel bit happier today.
383
00:13:36,218 --> 00:13:37,283
Don't know why."
384
00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:39,015
No, but then you start going,
"Oh."
385
00:13:39,016 --> 00:13:41,381
You go down, you buy a gay
magazine, you flicking through.
386
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:44,596
You'd looking at more cock than you ever
seen before in your life and you're loving it.
387
00:13:45,221 --> 00:13:46,735
You look down.
Something's happened.
388
00:13:47,325 --> 00:13:48,723
What do you do next?
389
00:13:48,724 --> 00:13:51,422
I just wouldn't look
at that magazine again.
390
00:13:51,423 --> 00:13:52,521
No, you're loving it.
391
00:13:52,522 --> 00:13:53,787
You go, "Oh, I can't believe
392
00:13:53,788 --> 00:13:55,353
I haven't seen this magazine
before."
393
00:13:55,354 --> 00:13:57,287
I've seen [bleep] before.
394
00:13:57,288 --> 00:13:58,319
Have you?
Yeah.
395
00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,651
Where?
396
00:13:59,652 --> 00:14:01,350
I've seen [bleep] all the time.
397
00:14:01,351 --> 00:14:02,716
Where?
In gyms and that.
398
00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:04,283
And don't say you don't look
399
00:14:04,284 --> 00:14:06,447
'cause you do
when you're in a gym
400
00:14:06,448 --> 00:14:07,580
because it's there.
401
00:14:07,581 --> 00:14:08,847
What is?
402
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,546
If you go in like that,
that's more of a worry.
403
00:14:10,546 --> 00:14:11,811
If you don't know how people can
[bleep] in the face,
404
00:14:11,812 --> 00:14:12,811
then something's wrong.
405
00:14:12,812 --> 00:14:15,444
[ Both laugh ]
406
00:14:15,445 --> 00:14:18,342
You should be comfortable
with it.
407
00:14:18,343 --> 00:14:19,575
It's a good rule of thumb.
408
00:14:19,576 --> 00:14:21,340
[ Laughs ]
409
00:14:21,341 --> 00:14:24,872
So...You have always been
a big fan
410
00:14:24,873 --> 00:14:27,005
of what society
would generally term "freaks."
411
00:14:27,006 --> 00:14:30,470
You know, one of your favorite
movies is "The Elephant Man,"
412
00:14:30,471 --> 00:14:32,102
which is why we were
very excited
413
00:14:32,103 --> 00:14:34,101
when we sent you to see
the elephant baba.
414
00:14:38,899 --> 00:14:40,198
Oh, yeah, I can see him.
415
00:14:40,199 --> 00:14:41,531
Yeah, I can see him.
416
00:14:41,532 --> 00:14:43,829
Shoes off?
417
00:14:43,830 --> 00:14:45,895
Want me down there?
Ohh.
418
00:14:45,896 --> 00:14:48,827
It wasn't as shocking
as I thought it would have been.
419
00:14:48,828 --> 00:14:51,459
I think the weird thing
is with elephant baba,
420
00:14:51,460 --> 00:14:53,725
is he's different
from elephant man
421
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,690
'cause with elephant man,
there was a buildup.
422
00:14:55,691 --> 00:14:57,556
He's walking about
with a sack on his head.
423
00:14:57,557 --> 00:14:59,289
You know, what is under there?
424
00:14:59,290 --> 00:15:01,887
I mean, the first thing
I always used to worry about...
425
00:15:01,888 --> 00:15:03,820
Where he got the hat from
that fit him.
426
00:15:03,821 --> 00:15:05,253
[ Both laugh ]
427
00:15:05,254 --> 00:15:06,385
It's a normal cap he had on...
elephant man.
428
00:15:06,386 --> 00:15:07,618
Who was that made for?
429
00:15:07,619 --> 00:15:09,883
But then he had the sack on top,
as well,
430
00:15:09,883 --> 00:15:11,183
and a little hole in it.
431
00:15:11,184 --> 00:15:12,915
I remember watching it as a kid,
thinking,
432
00:15:12,916 --> 00:15:14,349
"Can I see anything
in the hole?"
433
00:15:14,350 --> 00:15:16,047
And then he takes it off,
and you're like,
434
00:15:16,048 --> 00:15:17,347
"Oh, God,
that's well weird."
435
00:15:17,348 --> 00:15:20,612
Now, with elephant baba,
it wasn't as weird.
436
00:15:20,613 --> 00:15:22,211
Do you know the elephant man?
437
00:15:22,212 --> 00:15:23,977
The weirdest bit of it is
when he's walking around
438
00:15:23,978 --> 00:15:25,576
with that head
but with a suit on...
439
00:15:25,577 --> 00:15:27,408
Because he doesn't match.
440
00:15:27,409 --> 00:15:28,507
No.
441
00:15:28,508 --> 00:15:30,306
If you went to a tailor
and they say,
442
00:15:30,307 --> 00:15:32,139
"Have you got anything
to go with this?"
443
00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:34,439
They'd go, "Not really."
Yeah.
444
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,370
Whereas with the fellow
in India...
445
00:15:36,371 --> 00:15:37,837
It sort of goes with it.
446
00:15:37,838 --> 00:15:39,835
...It goes with it,
so it wasn't as shocking.
447
00:15:39,836 --> 00:15:40,868
Sure.
448
00:15:40,869 --> 00:15:43,334
Now, there's the one-armed baba,
who...
449
00:15:43,335 --> 00:15:45,266
the fellow who had his arm
in the air for 12 years.
450
00:15:45,267 --> 00:15:46,565
Well, that's ridiculous.
451
00:15:46,566 --> 00:15:48,131
From a distance, though,
it looked friendly.
452
00:15:48,132 --> 00:15:49,697
It's like he's going like that,
like,
453
00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:51,296
"Oh, here's Karl
and the camera crew."
454
00:15:51,297 --> 00:15:53,529
I sit down.
455
00:15:53,530 --> 00:15:55,895
Two fellows sat next to him,
worship him,
456
00:15:55,896 --> 00:15:58,459
and they loved him.
457
00:15:58,460 --> 00:16:00,125
You know, I asked
all the normal questions.
458
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,891
What are you playing at?
Why are you doing it?
459
00:16:01,892 --> 00:16:04,023
Straight in... straight in with,
"What are you playing at?"
460
00:16:04,024 --> 00:16:05,523
I asked
all the normal questions.
461
00:16:05,524 --> 00:16:06,955
"What are you playing at?"
I agree, though.
462
00:16:06,956 --> 00:16:08,588
I agree.
"What are you playing at?"
463
00:16:08,589 --> 00:16:11,087
Apparently, there's other babas
with like two arms,
464
00:16:11,088 --> 00:16:13,052
one foot in the air.
465
00:16:13,053 --> 00:16:15,717
Really? It's mental.
It's proper mental.
466
00:16:15,718 --> 00:16:17,117
But are they standing up,
467
00:16:17,118 --> 00:16:18,617
or are they laying down
with one foot in the air?
468
00:16:18,618 --> 00:16:20,549
Well, I suppose if you knock him
over, that's it, isn't it?
469
00:16:20,550 --> 00:16:21,548
He's down for good.
470
00:16:21,549 --> 00:16:22,881
[ Both laugh ]
471
00:16:25,547 --> 00:16:27,279
Oh, gosh.
472
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:28,611
There was another fellow with
[bleep] bollocks on a stick.
473
00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:29,744
What are you doing?
474
00:16:29,745 --> 00:16:31,610
[ Laughs ]
475
00:16:31,611 --> 00:16:34,009
Karl, if you can't look
a [bleep] in the face...
476
00:16:34,010 --> 00:16:35,441
I was happy looking him
[bleep] in the face.
477
00:16:35,442 --> 00:16:36,775
It's what he was doing to it.
478
00:16:36,776 --> 00:16:38,839
He was just showing you
his trick, his party trick.
479
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:40,439
That probably
would get him to the final
480
00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:41,343
of "Britain's Got Talent."
481
00:16:41,462 --> 00:16:43,250
Amanda Holden would be
a fan of that, wouldn't she?
482
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:45,181
I, uh...
[Bleep] on a stick.
483
00:16:45,302 --> 00:16:47,269
I mean, I'll never forget it.
484
00:16:47,270 --> 00:16:49,801
You can't with the names.
The names go with them.
485
00:16:49,802 --> 00:16:51,401
It's like
old-fashion names.
486
00:16:51,402 --> 00:16:53,799
They say that if you're a baker,
you'd be known as Mr. Baker.
487
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,165
That's how names caught on.
488
00:16:55,166 --> 00:16:57,830
So, the fact he's called elephant
baba and one-armed baba,
489
00:16:57,831 --> 00:16:59,297
you don't go,
490
00:16:59,298 --> 00:17:00,795
"Who's that one again?
I can't quite picture him."
491
00:17:00,796 --> 00:17:02,728
I don't believe
they are called "elephant baba"
492
00:17:02,729 --> 00:17:03,727
and "one-armed baba."
493
00:17:03,728 --> 00:17:05,060
They are called that.
494
00:17:05,061 --> 00:17:07,259
When I went around that camp
and I was saying to people,
495
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:08,592
"One-armed baba
knocking about?"
496
00:17:08,593 --> 00:17:10,724
They were going, "Yeah,
he's three tents down."
497
00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:12,157
Everyone knew him.
498
00:17:12,158 --> 00:17:13,889
It was like a council estate
and you have nicknames.
499
00:17:13,890 --> 00:17:15,888
John the Screw about?
Where's Tattoo Stan?
500
00:17:15,889 --> 00:17:18,221
So, all the same thing,
all these little nicknames.
501
00:17:18,222 --> 00:17:20,953
Now, if I said, "Well, I don't
know his real name."
502
00:17:20,954 --> 00:17:23,118
But if he was called...
I don't know...
503
00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:25,750
Neal or whatever, "Neal About?"
They'd be going,
504
00:17:25,751 --> 00:17:27,249
"Neal?
Which one's Neal?
505
00:17:27,250 --> 00:17:28,981
What does he do
in the camp?"
506
00:17:28,982 --> 00:17:31,014
And you go, "He's got a head
like an elephant"...
507
00:17:31,015 --> 00:17:32,380
"Elephant baba...
three down."
508
00:17:32,381 --> 00:17:33,512
[ Both laugh ]
509
00:17:33,513 --> 00:17:34,979
So it's convenient.
510
00:17:34,980 --> 00:17:37,511
[ Laughter continues ]
511
00:17:42,722 --> 00:17:44,254
Pilkington: There are
certain things I've learned.
512
00:17:44,255 --> 00:17:45,752
Merchant: Tell us,
what have you learned?
513
00:17:45,753 --> 00:17:48,585
I learned that babies
in China...
514
00:17:48,586 --> 00:17:50,683
A lot of them
have square heads.
515
00:17:50,684 --> 00:17:52,482
[ Both laugh ]
516
00:17:52,483 --> 00:17:54,348
Right. Go on.
517
00:17:54,349 --> 00:17:57,447
Can we look at this clip?
518
00:17:58,815 --> 00:18:00,411
A big lad.
519
00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:01,978
[ Speaking native language ]
520
00:18:01,979 --> 00:18:05,843
Has he got a square head?
521
00:18:05,844 --> 00:18:06,976
I can't tell.
522
00:18:06,977 --> 00:18:09,674
Yeah.
523
00:18:09,675 --> 00:18:12,839
Merchant: But why do they have
square heads?
524
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:16,139
I asked some questions,
and the main answer...
525
00:18:16,140 --> 00:18:19,636
Seemed to be so they don't
roll out of the car.
526
00:18:19,637 --> 00:18:22,701
[ Laughs ]
No, no way.
527
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:25,500
How do they make sure
their baby gets a square head?
528
00:18:25,501 --> 00:18:27,332
They somewhere...
they stick a book
529
00:18:27,333 --> 00:18:29,298
to the back of its head
when it's born.
530
00:18:29,299 --> 00:18:32,130
When you're born, your head's soft.
That's right, yeah.
531
00:18:32,131 --> 00:18:34,761
Did your mum strap a dinner plate
to your head when you were a kid?
532
00:18:34,762 --> 00:18:37,094
Yeah. A ladle.
533
00:18:37,095 --> 00:18:38,526
I didn't get
all the ins and outs,
534
00:18:38,527 --> 00:18:39,759
and this is what I'm saying.
535
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:41,792
That doesn't stop them
rolling out of the car.
536
00:18:41,793 --> 00:18:44,125
If you've got a square head,
it's not like they can roll out.
537
00:18:44,126 --> 00:18:46,623
Babies' head... remember, your
head is quite big as a baby.
538
00:18:46,624 --> 00:18:47,789
Right.
539
00:18:47,790 --> 00:18:49,022
The body's sort of like that.
540
00:18:49,023 --> 00:18:50,720
And his head...
he's trying to roll,
541
00:18:50,721 --> 00:18:53,252
and he can't
'cause he's like that.
542
00:18:53,253 --> 00:18:54,419
And it's attractive.
543
00:18:54,420 --> 00:18:56,035
Show me again. Show me again.
Do it again.
544
00:18:56,155 --> 00:18:57,707
If the baby's in the car
like that...
545
00:18:59,684 --> 00:19:01,082
And it would want to sort of...
546
00:19:01,083 --> 00:19:02,282
So try and roll.
547
00:19:02,283 --> 00:19:03,448
It should just go like that.
548
00:19:03,449 --> 00:19:06,080
How is it stopping it?
I don't understand.
549
00:19:06,081 --> 00:19:08,878
Because it's kind of going...
You can't roll.
550
00:19:08,879 --> 00:19:10,277
What shape is a wheel?
551
00:19:10,278 --> 00:19:11,910
Round.
552
00:19:11,911 --> 00:19:14,343
Some people think
you are a character
553
00:19:14,344 --> 00:19:16,161
that we write and direct.
554
00:19:16,281 --> 00:19:19,344
If *** was as brilliant as this,
do you think we'd have brought it to Sky?
555
00:19:19,464 --> 00:19:21,762
Definitely not.
Definitely not.
556
00:19:21,763 --> 00:19:23,561
[ Birds chirping ]
557
00:19:23,562 --> 00:19:25,760
Pilkington: There's loads
of weird fish, though.
558
00:19:25,761 --> 00:19:27,825
I think there's fish in here
I've read about
559
00:19:27,826 --> 00:19:30,524
that are so see-through
that they're invisible.
560
00:19:30,525 --> 00:19:33,156
So I don't even think
they know they exist...
561
00:19:33,157 --> 00:19:36,354
Because other fish don't go up
to it and, like, mate and stuff.
562
00:19:36,355 --> 00:19:37,921
I don't know how it works.
563
00:19:37,922 --> 00:19:40,519
It's like they're not there
to us or to them,
564
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,052
so they might as well
not be there.
565
00:19:42,053 --> 00:19:44,084
It's a really weird...
I don't know all the facts.
566
00:19:44,085 --> 00:19:47,349
If you're invisible, you'd
eventually get ignored a lot.
567
00:19:47,350 --> 00:19:50,682
And you'd go, "Well, there's
no point acknowledging anyone
568
00:19:50,683 --> 00:19:53,013
because no one can see me."
569
00:19:53,014 --> 00:19:54,679
Man: Don't think
that's how it works.
570
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:56,579
Of course it is!
571
00:19:56,580 --> 00:19:59,344
Think if you were invisible
and I walked past you,
572
00:19:59,345 --> 00:20:01,809
I'm gonna ignore you
'cause I can't see you.
573
00:20:01,810 --> 00:20:05,541
You can't communicate
'cause I'd go, "Who was that?"
574
00:20:05,542 --> 00:20:08,673
And eventually, you'd just go,
"I can't bother communicating."
575
00:20:08,674 --> 00:20:11,038
So you're just there,
floating about, eating.
576
00:20:11,039 --> 00:20:14,136
So that's probably why they
carry on 'cause they just eat.
577
00:20:14,137 --> 00:20:16,902
They've got nothing else to do.
578
00:20:16,903 --> 00:20:18,434
I read it.
579
00:20:18,435 --> 00:20:19,900
And I think they're in here.
580
00:20:19,901 --> 00:20:22,599
But you're not gonna see them,
so I can't prove it.
581
00:20:25,299 --> 00:20:28,896
There's people out there who say
I'm an actor called Graham.
582
00:20:28,897 --> 00:20:30,895
I wish I was.
I wish I was.
583
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:33,261
Well, change your name to Graham
and become an actor.
584
00:20:33,262 --> 00:20:35,392
No, because then they'd go,
"Oh, we knew that."
585
00:20:35,393 --> 00:20:38,192
So the reason you're not
changing your name to Graham
586
00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:40,957
and becoming an actor is that
you don't want to give idiots
587
00:20:40,958 --> 00:20:42,090
the benefit of the doubt.
588
00:20:42,091 --> 00:20:43,489
Well, no, it's also that thing
589
00:20:43,490 --> 00:20:44,854
of remembering
that you've changed your name.
590
00:20:44,855 --> 00:20:46,121
It's like I told you,
when I was a kid
591
00:20:46,122 --> 00:20:47,419
and I changed me name to Brett.
592
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:48,620
Everyone in the family
went along with it,
593
00:20:48,621 --> 00:20:50,353
and I kept forgetting.
594
00:20:50,354 --> 00:20:52,584
They kept shouting at me,
and I was ignoring them.
595
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:53,583
It wasn't working.
596
00:20:53,584 --> 00:20:55,283
[ Telephone rings ]
597
00:20:55,284 --> 00:20:56,816
Pilkington:
All right, mate.
598
00:20:58,815 --> 00:21:00,580
Uh...
599
00:21:00,581 --> 00:21:02,413
Well, I've had better holidays.
600
00:21:08,711 --> 00:21:10,542
Can never enjoy anything,
can I?
601
00:21:10,543 --> 00:21:11,641
[Bleep]
602
00:21:16,540 --> 00:21:18,239
[Bleep]
603
00:21:23,370 --> 00:21:25,136
What for?
604
00:21:30,367 --> 00:21:31,731
But...
605
00:21:31,732 --> 00:21:33,131
[ Cellphone beeps ]
606
00:21:33,132 --> 00:21:34,598
[ Breathing heavily ]
607
00:21:34,599 --> 00:21:36,463
I had some sort of new pudding
that I've never had before...
608
00:21:36,464 --> 00:21:38,528
Carrots with sort of milk
and sugar on it.
609
00:21:38,529 --> 00:21:39,828
I enjoyed it.
610
00:21:39,829 --> 00:21:40,927
I don't know
if I'll find it in London.
611
00:21:44,427 --> 00:21:45,892
In HD?
612
00:21:47,991 --> 00:21:51,022
I reckon I've had about
an hour's kit.
613
00:21:51,023 --> 00:21:52,622
I am knackered,
614
00:21:52,623 --> 00:21:53,954
and I don't know how to get
that across to them at home,
615
00:21:53,955 --> 00:21:55,153
that I'm pissed off.
616
00:21:55,154 --> 00:21:57,452
Gervais: Karl,
this is for my amusement,
617
00:21:57,453 --> 00:22:00,485
and if you're having a bad time
bumping up and down on a camel,
618
00:22:00,486 --> 00:22:02,850
with your testicles
being battered,
619
00:22:02,851 --> 00:22:04,016
that's good entertainment.
620
00:22:04,017 --> 00:22:05,583
This is what I'm giving back.
621
00:22:05,584 --> 00:22:07,814
This is what I'm giving back
to society.
622
00:22:07,815 --> 00:22:11,646
You are my gift
to the rest of the world.
623
00:22:11,647 --> 00:22:15,211
Now, that's the other thing,
as well.
624
00:22:15,212 --> 00:22:19,576
People think that, you know,
because I call you
625
00:22:19,577 --> 00:22:23,240
a little round-headed
chimp-like buffoon...
626
00:22:23,241 --> 00:22:25,972
Moron, mank, twonk.
627
00:22:25,973 --> 00:22:27,704
I could go on.
628
00:22:27,705 --> 00:22:30,336
Some people, they mistake
that for bullying.
629
00:22:30,337 --> 00:22:33,502
What would you say about people
that say me and Steve bully you?
630
00:22:33,503 --> 00:22:35,834
If they think I am being
bullied, what are they doing?
631
00:22:35,835 --> 00:22:37,333
Why don't they come to me help?
632
00:22:37,334 --> 00:22:38,399
Where is Esther Rantzen?
633
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:39,965
Why hasn't she been
on the phone?
634
00:22:39,966 --> 00:22:41,730
"Leave him alone."
Nothing's happened.
635
00:22:41,731 --> 00:22:43,031
Everyone's saying that.
636
00:22:43,032 --> 00:22:44,763
I've seen that everywhere,
"Karl's being bullied."
637
00:22:44,764 --> 00:22:46,362
Well, first of all,
I'm nearly 40.
638
00:22:46,363 --> 00:22:47,727
Don't worry about me.
639
00:22:47,728 --> 00:22:49,794
And two, well, if you're worried
about it, do something.
640
00:22:49,795 --> 00:22:51,358
[ Laughs ]
641
00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:53,758
I've had post delivered to me,
and because you say,
642
00:22:53,759 --> 00:22:56,257
"Karl Pilkington's got a head
like a [bleep] orange,"
643
00:22:56,258 --> 00:22:57,757
people think they can do it.
644
00:22:57,758 --> 00:23:00,988
I got some lamps
delivered in a box.
645
00:23:00,989 --> 00:23:03,087
Somebody along the way...
I don't know who...
646
00:23:03,088 --> 00:23:05,419
either the bloke who packed
them, the courier, or...
647
00:23:05,420 --> 00:23:07,186
I don't know
how many people involved
648
00:23:07,187 --> 00:23:09,118
in packing lamps
and getting them to me,
649
00:23:09,119 --> 00:23:11,782
but somebody wrote on the box,
"head like a [bleep] orange."
650
00:23:11,783 --> 00:23:12,981
[ Both laugh ]
651
00:23:12,982 --> 00:23:14,082
Now, that shouldn't happen.
652
00:23:14,083 --> 00:23:16,247
[ Both laugh ]
653
00:23:16,248 --> 00:23:18,146
Merchant: Of course, there were
a number of instances
654
00:23:18,147 --> 00:23:20,678
where we had planned stuff that
you were completely unaware of.
655
00:23:20,679 --> 00:23:22,777
In fact, most of the trip,
you had very little idea
656
00:23:22,778 --> 00:23:24,843
where you were gonna go
and what was gonna happen.
657
00:23:24,844 --> 00:23:27,142
I think a highlight
for both Ricky and I
658
00:23:27,143 --> 00:23:29,874
was when we gave you
some very important training
659
00:23:29,875 --> 00:23:32,306
in the event that you were
captured during a terrorist...
660
00:23:32,307 --> 00:23:34,305
Again, that went better
than I ever imagined.
661
00:23:42,269 --> 00:23:43,700
[ Indistinct shouting ]
662
00:23:48,465 --> 00:23:50,431
[Bleep]
663
00:23:50,432 --> 00:23:53,229
[ Indistinct shouting ]
664
00:23:53,230 --> 00:23:55,228
Yeah, I ink you were
out of order.
665
00:23:55,229 --> 00:23:57,893
What is going through your head
when those guys grabbed you?
666
00:23:57,894 --> 00:23:59,426
You did not know they were gonna
attack you and grab you
667
00:23:59,427 --> 00:24:00,459
and drag you
in the back of a van.
668
00:24:00,460 --> 00:24:02,158
[ Indistinct shouting ]
669
00:24:02,159 --> 00:24:04,057
It all went black.
670
00:24:04,058 --> 00:24:06,090
Um...
671
00:24:06,091 --> 00:24:08,888
There was a lot of shouting
going on.
672
00:24:08,889 --> 00:24:10,587
I didn't know
what was happening.
673
00:24:10,588 --> 00:24:13,053
I thought, "Is this it?
Have I been taken hostage?"
674
00:24:13,054 --> 00:24:14,485
They put me hands
behind me back.
675
00:24:14,486 --> 00:24:15,918
They put one of those
tie things on.
676
00:24:15,919 --> 00:24:17,084
It was cutting into me arm.
677
00:24:17,085 --> 00:24:19,449
I'm thinking, "Is this
for the program or what?
678
00:24:19,450 --> 00:24:21,115
'Cause this is
proper hurting."
679
00:24:21,116 --> 00:24:23,415
[ Indistinct shouting ]
680
00:24:23,416 --> 00:24:24,680
It's not a nice thing.
681
00:24:24,681 --> 00:24:25,814
I've never experienced that
before.
682
00:24:25,815 --> 00:24:27,046
They often say in those moments
where you think
683
00:24:27,047 --> 00:24:28,413
maybe your life
is gonna come to an end
684
00:24:28,414 --> 00:24:30,711
that your whole life
flashes before your eyes.
685
00:24:30,712 --> 00:24:32,410
Is that what happened?
686
00:24:32,411 --> 00:24:35,208
No, 'cause, like I said to you,
I had a bag over me head.
687
00:24:35,209 --> 00:24:36,409
I couldn't see a thing.
688
00:24:36,410 --> 00:24:37,607
Talk to me!
689
00:24:37,608 --> 00:24:39,606
Are you English?
You English?
690
00:24:39,607 --> 00:24:40,739
Yes!
Talk to me!
691
00:24:40,740 --> 00:24:42,138
Who are you?
692
00:24:42,139 --> 00:24:44,803
I love it when you go,
"Who are you?"
693
00:24:44,804 --> 00:24:46,369
When the adrenaline's
kicking in,
694
00:24:46,370 --> 00:24:47,435
you can hardly breathe,
695
00:24:47,436 --> 00:24:49,001
and you do a posh voice.
696
00:24:49,002 --> 00:24:51,467
"Who are you?"
[ Laughs ]
697
00:24:51,468 --> 00:24:53,999
Because it's terrifying, that,
not knowing what's going on.
698
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:55,499
What is the number of him?!
699
00:24:55,500 --> 00:24:56,765
It's in me mobile.
700
00:24:56,766 --> 00:24:58,730
What mobile?!
What is the number of him?!
701
00:24:58,731 --> 00:25:00,196
I don't know!
702
00:25:00,197 --> 00:25:01,629
I don't even know me mum
and dad's number!
703
00:25:01,630 --> 00:25:03,794
I thought maybe
this is part of the setup.
704
00:25:03,795 --> 00:25:05,727
I don't know,
but my body didn't know
705
00:25:05,728 --> 00:25:08,126
because it was going through
the same thing
706
00:25:08,127 --> 00:25:10,291
as Terri White
would have gone through
707
00:25:10,292 --> 00:25:12,456
or whoever else
had been tied to a radiator.
708
00:25:12,457 --> 00:25:13,889
[ Shouts ]
709
00:25:17,489 --> 00:25:19,754
Did you learn anything
from that, though?
710
00:25:19,755 --> 00:25:22,486
That was important training
to make you able to cope
711
00:25:22,487 --> 00:25:25,183
if such a terrible thing
did occur to you.
712
00:25:25,184 --> 00:25:28,116
If you go to places that you're
in danger of being kidnapped,
713
00:25:28,117 --> 00:25:29,814
you're meant to have
a code word
714
00:25:29,815 --> 00:25:32,747
so that when the people
who've nicked you
715
00:25:32,748 --> 00:25:34,912
call up the London office...
716
00:25:34,913 --> 00:25:37,678
They go, "We've got Ricky,
Steve, and Karl here,"
717
00:25:37,679 --> 00:25:40,076
and the London office goes,
"Yeah, yeah."
718
00:25:40,077 --> 00:25:41,542
"Give us your code word."
719
00:25:41,543 --> 00:25:44,641
Well, at the time,
it was "congress tart."
720
00:25:44,642 --> 00:25:46,107
Congress tart?
721
00:25:46,108 --> 00:25:48,772
How are you gonna slip that
into a conversation?
722
00:25:48,773 --> 00:25:49,872
No, you don't slip it in.
723
00:25:49,873 --> 00:25:51,238
They've got a bag
over your head,
724
00:25:51,239 --> 00:25:52,471
gun to your head or whatever.
725
00:25:52,472 --> 00:25:54,036
"Tell them
you've been kidnapped,"
726
00:25:54,037 --> 00:25:55,403
and you go,
"congress tart."
727
00:25:55,404 --> 00:25:56,902
And they go, "Bloody hell,
he's been kidnapped."
728
00:25:56,903 --> 00:25:59,434
Before you know it,
the a-team's coming in.
729
00:25:59,435 --> 00:26:01,400
So, we're...Ring, ring.
730
00:26:01,401 --> 00:26:03,165
Hello, Karl, mate.
How's it going?
731
00:26:03,166 --> 00:26:04,231
Congress tart.
732
00:26:04,232 --> 00:26:05,131
What?
733
00:26:05,132 --> 00:26:06,530
Congress tart.
734
00:26:06,531 --> 00:26:08,063
Rick, who's on the phone, mate?
735
00:26:08,064 --> 00:26:09,528
It's Karl.
736
00:26:09,529 --> 00:26:11,261
He said, "congress tart," so
he's definitely been kidnapped.
737
00:26:11,262 --> 00:26:12,994
Who are they?
What do they want?
738
00:26:12,995 --> 00:26:15,193
Right.
Who am I talking to now?
739
00:26:15,194 --> 00:26:16,591
Them.
Ask them.
740
00:26:16,592 --> 00:26:20,056
What do you want?
He's asking what you want.
741
00:26:20,057 --> 00:26:22,655
Well, there's no one here to do
that bit of role-playing,
742
00:26:22,656 --> 00:26:24,921
so maybe you should tell me
what they're saying.
743
00:26:24,922 --> 00:26:26,920
They said...
744
00:26:26,921 --> 00:26:29,552
They just said they want to use
me as bargaining power.
745
00:26:29,553 --> 00:26:31,385
But what do they want?
But what do they want?
746
00:26:31,386 --> 00:26:33,717
But what do you actually want?
747
00:26:33,718 --> 00:26:36,916
[ Both chuckle ]
748
00:26:36,917 --> 00:26:38,382
What would they want?
749
00:26:38,383 --> 00:26:41,646
Is it money?
Give them money... money.
750
00:26:41,647 --> 00:26:44,346
A million...
£2... £5 million.
751
00:26:44,347 --> 00:26:45,611
Too much.
752
00:26:45,612 --> 00:26:47,344
I'm not spending
that sort of cash.
753
00:26:47,345 --> 00:26:48,343
No, you don't do that.
754
00:26:48,344 --> 00:26:49,376
I'm not spending that cash.
755
00:26:49,377 --> 00:26:50,842
You see,
this is what worries me.
756
00:26:50,843 --> 00:26:52,674
I'm not spending £5 million
to get you back.
757
00:26:52,675 --> 00:26:53,941
That's what's worrying.
No.
758
00:26:53,942 --> 00:26:55,440
Because that's what
would have happened.
759
00:26:55,441 --> 00:26:57,706
Can't we negotiate?
Put them on.
760
00:26:57,707 --> 00:26:58,771
Here's Ricky.
761
00:26:58,772 --> 00:27:01,137
Right.
You play him, as well, though.
762
00:27:01,138 --> 00:27:02,336
Hello.
763
00:27:02,337 --> 00:27:03,935
Hello.
Who's that?
764
00:27:03,936 --> 00:27:06,101
Never mind who it is.
Where's me £5 million?
765
00:27:06,102 --> 00:27:07,666
Can't afford £5 million
at the moment.
766
00:27:07,667 --> 00:27:09,666
We're gonna kill this kid
767
00:27:09,667 --> 00:27:11,266
if you don't give us
the £5 million.
768
00:27:11,267 --> 00:27:13,497
How can you call him a kid?
We're getting sick of him.
769
00:27:13,498 --> 00:27:14,664
Why, why?
What's he doing?
770
00:27:14,665 --> 00:27:16,263
He's just shouting,
"congress tart."
771
00:27:16,264 --> 00:27:18,395
[ Both laugh ]
772
00:27:18,396 --> 00:27:22,327
Give him the money.
Give us the money.
773
00:27:22,328 --> 00:27:24,792
I wouldn't have gotten
to call you, actually.
774
00:27:24,793 --> 00:27:26,624
There's no way.
There's no way.
775
00:27:26,625 --> 00:27:28,257
[ Laughing ] Okay,
let's have a break.
776
00:27:28,258 --> 00:27:30,022
Oh, God!
777
00:27:30,023 --> 00:27:31,921
Oh, God!
778
00:27:31,922 --> 00:27:33,854
Ah!
779
00:27:43,443 --> 00:27:45,017
Pilkington: It's not really
a dance, is it?
780
00:27:45,421 --> 00:27:48,313
It's like a little bit
of a shuffle, really.
781
00:27:49,724 --> 00:27:51,228
It's just that...
782
00:27:51,528 --> 00:27:53,663
Not really a... not using...
783
00:27:55,039 --> 00:27:57,988
Not even adding
that sort of thing to it.
784
00:27:59,012 --> 00:28:02,606
Just a bit more
with the face even.
785
00:28:02,607 --> 00:28:04,887
[ Chanting continues ]
786
00:28:05,007 --> 00:28:06,738
It's that sort
of old-man shuffle,
787
00:28:06,739 --> 00:28:09,137
you know, when old men
are sort of a bit pissed off
788
00:28:09,138 --> 00:28:11,269
and their pants
are falling down a bit.
789
00:28:11,270 --> 00:28:12,735
[ Chanting continues ]
790
00:28:12,736 --> 00:28:16,367
Sort of that pissed-off walk.
791
00:28:16,368 --> 00:28:20,598
[ Mumbles ]
792
00:28:20,599 --> 00:28:22,963
But, you know,
we killed a bit of time.
793
00:28:22,964 --> 00:28:24,728
There's nothing else to watch.
794
00:28:24,729 --> 00:28:26,795
[ Chanting continues ]
795
00:28:26,796 --> 00:28:29,427
And I was tempted to sort of
join the line
796
00:28:29,428 --> 00:28:32,026
and then do that
and see if they copy it,
797
00:28:32,027 --> 00:28:34,224
and then that'd be me
giving them something.
798
00:28:34,225 --> 00:28:36,890
But then is that interfering?
799
00:28:36,891 --> 00:28:38,989
Maybe it would look frightening
by the time,
800
00:28:38,990 --> 00:28:40,755
you know,
if another tribe came in,
801
00:28:40,756 --> 00:28:43,487
and they're all still over there
looking like Lionel Blair,
802
00:28:43,488 --> 00:28:44,986
you know, they're just gonna go,
803
00:28:44,987 --> 00:28:48,451
"Right, let's get them.
We can handle these."
804
00:28:48,452 --> 00:28:51,750
I mean, I'm so jealous of you
being in the Peruvian jungle.
805
00:28:51,751 --> 00:28:52,849
Didn't you have
a whale of a time?
806
00:28:52,850 --> 00:28:55,282
Um...
807
00:28:55,283 --> 00:28:58,812
[Bleep]
808
00:28:58,813 --> 00:29:00,045
I want to go home.
809
00:29:00,046 --> 00:29:01,444
People watching it
will sort of go,
810
00:29:01,445 --> 00:29:04,243
"Eh, but, you know,
we've seen all this...
811
00:29:04,244 --> 00:29:06,942
And Bear Grylls sucking on
elephant [bleep] and all that."
812
00:29:06,943 --> 00:29:11,673
It's hard to let people
know how bad it is out there.
813
00:29:11,674 --> 00:29:15,871
When I came out of there,
I had no phone signal.
814
00:29:15,872 --> 00:29:18,370
Five days...
no phone signal.
815
00:29:18,371 --> 00:29:21,568
Stuck in a jungle...
the amazonian jungle...
816
00:29:21,569 --> 00:29:23,067
In a one-man tent
817
00:29:23,068 --> 00:29:25,332
and then with a tribe
for a couple of days.
818
00:29:25,333 --> 00:29:27,199
Called Suzanne up and said,
819
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,164
"All right,
I'm safe and all that,"
820
00:29:29,165 --> 00:29:31,430
expecting to get, like,
a hero's welcome.
821
00:29:31,431 --> 00:29:34,062
All I got was,
"Oh, it's reassured me
822
00:29:34,063 --> 00:29:36,628
that you if died,
I'd be all right."
823
00:29:36,629 --> 00:29:37,894
That's what she said.
824
00:29:37,895 --> 00:29:39,958
16 years I've been with her.
825
00:29:39,959 --> 00:29:42,624
Not a day's gone by when I haven't
spoke to her at some point.
826
00:29:42,625 --> 00:29:44,524
She turns around and says that.
827
00:29:44,525 --> 00:29:46,122
"I'd be all right
if you were dead."
828
00:29:46,123 --> 00:29:48,255
"All right, cheers for that.
I've got to call Ricky now."
829
00:29:48,256 --> 00:29:49,255
I called you up.
830
00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:08,445
Well, no, we didn't say any...
831
00:30:08,446 --> 00:30:10,478
We didn't say anything
about that.
832
00:30:10,479 --> 00:30:13,376
We said it's "Karl Pilkington's
Seven Wonders."
833
00:30:13,377 --> 00:30:14,475
Hello?
834
00:30:18,741 --> 00:30:20,738
Yeah, well,
who's the idiot abroad?
835
00:30:25,272 --> 00:30:26,802
Yeah, well, they would
'cause you said it.
836
00:30:26,803 --> 00:30:28,335
You know what they're like.
837
00:30:28,336 --> 00:30:29,735
They all sit there going,
"Oh, yeah, that's great, Ricky.
838
00:30:29,736 --> 00:30:31,000
Yeah, yeah.
We'll do that."
839
00:30:31,001 --> 00:30:32,133
We're not having
"An Idiot Abroad."
840
00:30:32,134 --> 00:30:33,999
It's "Karl Pilkington's
Seven Wonders."
841
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,965
I've been through
a load of [bleep] here.
842
00:30:35,966 --> 00:30:38,197
You all sat there giving them
bloody [bleep] titles.
843
00:30:38,198 --> 00:30:40,363
We're not having
"An Idiot Abroad."
844
00:30:40,364 --> 00:30:41,995
We're not having it.
845
00:30:41,996 --> 00:30:45,927
It's the one thing
that I said that I'm happy with.
846
00:30:45,928 --> 00:30:48,992
I don't want people thinking
I'm a div.
847
00:30:48,993 --> 00:30:51,258
Who was in the meeting?
848
00:30:59,588 --> 00:31:01,786
Well, I'm back
in a couple of days.
849
00:31:01,787 --> 00:31:04,451
We'll have another
little meeting about that.
850
00:31:04,452 --> 00:31:06,217
Let's have
another little meeting.
851
00:31:06,218 --> 00:31:08,182
Was it all croissants then,
free coffee
852
00:31:08,183 --> 00:31:09,914
as they all sat around on
their arse?
853
00:31:09,915 --> 00:31:11,948
"Yes, that's great, Ricky.
Any other ideas?
854
00:31:11,949 --> 00:31:13,047
Pour us another coffee."
855
00:31:13,048 --> 00:31:14,812
I'm sick of that lot.
Tell them now.
856
00:31:14,813 --> 00:31:17,877
Call them now and tell them
that we're not doing series two.
857
00:31:17,878 --> 00:31:19,743
Nip that in the bud.
858
00:31:19,744 --> 00:31:21,309
I'm not doing any more
of that stuff.
859
00:31:21,310 --> 00:31:22,808
Yeah, you are.
We are.
860
00:31:22,809 --> 00:31:24,341
People love it.
I've had enough of that now.
861
00:31:24,342 --> 00:31:25,941
I've done that.
I've had enough.
862
00:31:25,942 --> 00:31:28,139
No, come on, let's think of
something else you can do.
863
00:31:28,140 --> 00:31:29,372
Series two...
What about this?
864
00:31:29,373 --> 00:31:30,505
We're not gonna sort
that out today.
865
00:31:30,506 --> 00:31:33,137
"An Idiot Abroad:
Fool's Gold."
866
00:31:33,138 --> 00:31:34,969
I give you a million to spend,
867
00:31:34,970 --> 00:31:36,935
and you've got one year
to make £2 million.
868
00:31:40,334 --> 00:31:42,599
I've got to double a million?
Yeah.
869
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:45,631
You can gamble,
you can put it all on a horse,
870
00:31:45,632 --> 00:31:48,263
or you can put a little bit
on a horse.
871
00:31:48,264 --> 00:31:49,762
You can go to the dragons' den.
872
00:31:49,763 --> 00:31:52,094
You can go, "I've got an idea...
clip-on mug."
873
00:31:52,095 --> 00:31:53,427
What about the tie with, like...
874
00:31:53,428 --> 00:31:54,626
You can carry scissors in
and stuff?
875
00:31:54,627 --> 00:31:56,459
That's already out there.
Is it?
876
00:31:56,460 --> 00:31:58,625
What was the first thing
you'd do with that
877
00:31:58,626 --> 00:32:01,889
if I said you've got a year
to make £1 million
878
00:32:01,890 --> 00:32:03,089
and you've got this million?
879
00:32:03,090 --> 00:32:04,788
Just do loads of stuff.
880
00:32:04,789 --> 00:32:06,787
What then? Go on.
What's the first thing you'd do?
881
00:32:06,788 --> 00:32:11,718
Antiques, and then buy antiques,
flog them on, art.
882
00:32:11,719 --> 00:32:13,017
I'd buy a house in Bulgaria.
883
00:32:13,018 --> 00:32:14,350
What do you know
about antiques?
884
00:32:14,351 --> 00:32:15,550
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
885
00:32:15,551 --> 00:32:16,982
You're gonna buy a house
in Bulgaria?
886
00:32:16,983 --> 00:32:18,081
That's your first thought?
887
00:32:18,082 --> 00:32:19,581
How much is the house
in Bulgaria?
888
00:32:19,582 --> 00:32:20,647
100 grand.
Right.
889
00:32:20,648 --> 00:32:22,213
How much do you want to sell it
for?
890
00:32:22,214 --> 00:32:24,344
I want to sell it for £200,000.
I'm gonna do it.
891
00:32:24,345 --> 00:32:26,744
You're gonna double your money
on a house in a year? Easy.
892
00:32:26,745 --> 00:32:28,044
You got to make £100,000.
893
00:32:28,045 --> 00:32:29,110
I'm spinning plates.
894
00:32:29,111 --> 00:32:31,908
So, you got to keep flying
to Bulgaria
895
00:32:31,909 --> 00:32:33,073
to check on the progress
of the place?
896
00:32:33,074 --> 00:32:34,240
No, I've got the local builders
on it.
897
00:32:34,241 --> 00:32:35,672
In Bulgaria?
898
00:32:35,673 --> 00:32:37,139
Yeah, plate spinning.
899
00:32:37,140 --> 00:32:39,372
Antiques on the go.
I'm buying scratch cards.
900
00:32:39,373 --> 00:32:41,003
You're buying scratch cards?
901
00:32:41,004 --> 00:32:43,203
I'll buy a load
of scratch cards.
902
00:32:43,204 --> 00:32:45,234
How many?
5,000 scratch cards.
903
00:32:45,235 --> 00:32:47,033
I'd have some kids doing that.
904
00:32:47,034 --> 00:32:49,233
I'd say, "Right,
you can have a fiver."
905
00:32:49,234 --> 00:32:50,699
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
906
00:32:50,700 --> 00:32:53,531
I haven't got time.
I'm getting them to do.
907
00:32:53,532 --> 00:32:55,897
This is the worst idea
I've ever heard.
908
00:32:55,898 --> 00:32:58,795
My million's gone, isn't it?
I mean, I've just...
909
00:32:58,796 --> 00:33:00,961
If you've got money,
you make money.
910
00:33:00,962 --> 00:33:01,960
That's a fact.
911
00:33:01,961 --> 00:33:04,025
Where is Bulgaria?
912
00:33:04,026 --> 00:33:05,792
It's somewhere.
913
00:33:05,793 --> 00:33:07,324
I know Bulgaria's good
for property.
914
00:33:07,325 --> 00:33:08,924
I've seen a lot
of property programs.
915
00:33:08,925 --> 00:33:11,423
Do you mean Belgravia?
No, no, no, no.
916
00:33:11,424 --> 00:33:14,554
There's a lot of things that you
can do with property, antiques,
917
00:33:14,555 --> 00:33:17,219
buying classic cars
and doing them up.
918
00:33:17,220 --> 00:33:20,118
So you're doubling your money
on a classic car in a year?
919
00:33:20,119 --> 00:33:22,650
Yeah, but I've made stuff.
I've made inventions.
920
00:33:22,651 --> 00:33:23,949
What have you done?
921
00:33:23,950 --> 00:33:25,748
Like you said,
the clip-on mug idea.
922
00:33:25,749 --> 00:33:28,380
You have your cup there,
but look at that saucer.
923
00:33:28,381 --> 00:33:31,045
Every time I have a cup,
have a little bit of tea,
924
00:33:31,046 --> 00:33:32,545
I'm talking to you,
and I've got to go like that.
925
00:33:32,546 --> 00:33:34,477
I've got to look exactly
where I'm putting it again.
926
00:33:34,478 --> 00:33:35,843
The clip-on mug...
it's stuck on.
927
00:33:35,844 --> 00:33:37,209
It's attached to it
at all times.
928
00:33:37,210 --> 00:33:38,642
I'm talking to you.
How's it going?
929
00:33:38,643 --> 00:33:40,908
And if I want, I don't have
to put it down there.
930
00:33:40,909 --> 00:33:42,508
I could put it down there.
931
00:33:42,509 --> 00:33:44,739
I'm not limited as to the
surface that I can put it on.
932
00:33:44,740 --> 00:33:46,105
It's attached.
933
00:33:46,106 --> 00:33:48,971
It's washer-proof,
dishwasher-proof.
934
00:33:48,972 --> 00:33:50,803
It's an idea.
935
00:33:50,804 --> 00:33:52,269
I'm out.
936
00:33:52,270 --> 00:33:53,934
[ Laughs ]
937
00:33:53,935 --> 00:33:56,501
[Bleep] me.
So am I.
938
00:33:56,502 --> 00:33:57,799
[ Sighs ]
939
00:34:05,394 --> 00:34:07,992
Pilkington:
Most of the world is grim.
940
00:34:10,852 --> 00:34:14,283
Louis Armstrong did that
"What A Wonderful World" song.
941
00:34:16,383 --> 00:34:18,281
I don't know
what he's going on about.
942
00:34:20,281 --> 00:34:22,400
[ Dog barks in distance ]
943
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:24,951
If Louis had seen
what I had seen,
944
00:34:24,952 --> 00:34:27,117
he wouldn't
have brought that out.
945
00:34:27,118 --> 00:34:30,149
Well, Karl, you talked a lot
before you went on the trip
946
00:34:30,150 --> 00:34:32,647
about how probably
your happiest holiday time
947
00:34:32,648 --> 00:34:33,814
was when you were younger.
948
00:34:33,815 --> 00:34:35,413
Where did you used to go?
949
00:34:35,414 --> 00:34:36,845
Wales.
Porthmadog.
950
00:34:36,846 --> 00:34:38,610
Year after year after year.
It was brilliant.
951
00:34:38,611 --> 00:34:40,177
And why was it so great?
952
00:34:40,178 --> 00:34:41,609
It's everything you want.
953
00:34:41,610 --> 00:34:43,775
It's a good, like, you know...
it was a good holiday park.
954
00:34:43,776 --> 00:34:45,108
Right.
955
00:34:45,109 --> 00:34:46,774
Weather was good.
I had loads of mates.
956
00:34:46,775 --> 00:34:49,273
There were always kids
knocking about or got on with.
957
00:34:49,274 --> 00:34:52,371
Arcade, beach.
958
00:34:52,372 --> 00:34:54,936
There was hells angels
down one end.
959
00:34:54,937 --> 00:34:57,135
And I remember watching them,
thinking,
960
00:34:57,136 --> 00:34:58,600
"I want to be
one of them."
961
00:34:58,601 --> 00:35:02,099
I wanted to be a hells angel
'cause they looked hard...
962
00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,099
all the leather on and that.
963
00:35:04,100 --> 00:35:06,564
And...I don't know.
964
00:35:06,565 --> 00:35:08,730
You see, again,
this might not be true.
965
00:35:08,731 --> 00:35:09,996
But me mum told me...
966
00:35:09,997 --> 00:35:12,394
it might have just been
to put me off...
967
00:35:12,395 --> 00:35:14,926
said to be a hells angel, you
got to [bleep] in your pants.
968
00:35:14,927 --> 00:35:16,126
[ Both laugh ]
969
00:35:16,127 --> 00:35:18,525
[ Laughing ]
I love your mum.
970
00:35:18,526 --> 00:35:21,023
[Bleep] in your pants
and keep them on for a week.
971
00:35:21,024 --> 00:35:23,322
[ Laughter continues ]
972
00:35:23,323 --> 00:35:27,787
So...Yeah, me dad said...
In order to join them.
973
00:35:27,788 --> 00:35:29,919
[ Laughs ]
974
00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:33,317
So, what you're saying is, you
have nothing but happy memories
975
00:35:33,318 --> 00:35:35,682
of your glory days
back in Wales.
976
00:35:35,683 --> 00:35:38,149
And, you know, you were...
When we were sending you on these trips.
977
00:35:38,150 --> 00:35:40,880
You were like, "Oh, I had a great time
back in Wales, blah, blah, blah."
978
00:35:40,881 --> 00:35:42,113
Well,
we sent you back to Wales.
979
00:35:42,114 --> 00:35:43,346
Let's have a look
how you got on.
980
00:35:47,111 --> 00:35:51,841
Every holiday, we'd go to this
place in Wales, this campsite.
981
00:35:51,842 --> 00:35:54,673
Mum and dad got a caravan there.
982
00:35:54,674 --> 00:35:57,372
It's designed, it's high tech.
983
00:35:57,373 --> 00:36:00,171
I want you to experience it.
984
00:36:00,172 --> 00:36:02,403
It's all right, isn't it?
985
00:36:05,003 --> 00:36:09,200
It's got...Space for stuff.
986
00:36:09,201 --> 00:36:11,766
Big fire.
987
00:36:11,767 --> 00:36:14,032
Three bedrooms it's got.
988
00:36:15,564 --> 00:36:17,329
And what's good is...
989
00:36:17,330 --> 00:36:19,195
Normally...
990
00:36:19,196 --> 00:36:23,160
Say if your gran comes in.
991
00:36:23,161 --> 00:36:25,458
"Oh, I didn't know
the whole family was coming.
992
00:36:25,459 --> 00:36:26,558
Where can I stay?"
993
00:36:26,559 --> 00:36:27,557
You just go, "Hang on."
994
00:36:27,558 --> 00:36:29,390
Watch how quick this is.
995
00:36:33,821 --> 00:36:36,419
Oh, that isn't one.
Hang on.
996
00:36:36,420 --> 00:36:38,319
Just hang on.
997
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:40,085
You stay there.
998
00:37:05,773 --> 00:37:08,170
And you just sort of...
999
00:37:10,870 --> 00:37:13,268
That's not right, is it?
1000
00:37:13,269 --> 00:37:17,632
Well, she can just sort of,
you know...
1001
00:37:19,632 --> 00:37:21,531
What's wrong with that?
1002
00:37:32,426 --> 00:37:35,157
I remember getting chicken pox
when I was here.
1003
00:37:35,158 --> 00:37:39,856
I just sat in the bath
with a load of salt
1004
00:37:39,857 --> 00:37:41,755
stop from itching.
1005
00:37:41,756 --> 00:37:42,921
Uh...
1006
00:37:45,088 --> 00:37:47,086
I burnt me hand badly.
1007
00:37:47,087 --> 00:37:49,117
It was Joan
who was with us on holiday,
1008
00:37:49,118 --> 00:37:51,117
and she gave me a plate
with sausage rolls on it.
1009
00:37:51,118 --> 00:37:53,049
But she handed it to me
with a tea towel.
1010
00:37:53,050 --> 00:37:55,181
I just grabbed the plate.
It stuck to me hand.
1011
00:37:55,182 --> 00:37:57,380
A lot of injuries happened here,
really.
1012
00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:02,578
Some people next door.
1013
00:38:02,579 --> 00:38:04,676
That might get annoying.
1014
00:38:04,677 --> 00:38:07,875
They've put us right next
to a family of 12 of whatever.
1015
00:38:07,876 --> 00:38:11,040
And they seem the sort that
will be out there all night.
1016
00:38:11,041 --> 00:38:13,605
They've got a table there
with all sorts...
1017
00:38:13,606 --> 00:38:14,905
Game of monopoly.
1018
00:38:14,906 --> 00:38:16,804
You don't have a quick game
of that.
1019
00:38:16,805 --> 00:38:18,903
I mean, they're there
for the night now.
1020
00:38:18,904 --> 00:38:20,868
You're company now.
1021
00:38:20,869 --> 00:38:22,734
If I was there,
I'd be quite happy sitting here.
1022
00:38:22,735 --> 00:38:25,067
I'd probably put the telly on,
have a cup of tea or something,
1023
00:38:25,068 --> 00:38:26,499
relax
because you're already going,
1024
00:38:26,500 --> 00:38:28,131
"What do you do now?
What do you do now?"
1025
00:38:28,132 --> 00:38:31,897
It's like I've got to try
and impress you.
1026
00:38:31,898 --> 00:38:35,528
What's wrong
with just sitting here now?
1027
00:38:35,529 --> 00:38:38,926
The air's coming in.
That'd get on me [bleep]
1028
00:38:42,326 --> 00:38:46,222
I always used to come to do
crabbing.
1029
00:38:46,223 --> 00:38:50,354
But it's a bit of a ropy day
today, isn't it?
1030
00:38:50,355 --> 00:38:52,586
See, this isn't...
1031
00:38:52,587 --> 00:38:56,284
I don't really want Ricky
and Steve to see it like this.
1032
00:38:56,285 --> 00:38:59,050
Thing's broke.
1033
00:39:01,317 --> 00:39:03,715
We go back.
1034
00:39:03,716 --> 00:39:06,246
Been a bit rubbish, hasn't it?
1035
00:39:06,247 --> 00:39:08,346
It's been a bit rubbish.
1036
00:39:08,347 --> 00:39:10,544
I don't know.
Is it 'cause I've changed?
1037
00:39:10,545 --> 00:39:13,676
Is it 'cause I've been 'round
the world and seen other things
1038
00:39:13,677 --> 00:39:16,508
and then seeing this doesn't...
doesn't work anymore?
1039
00:39:16,509 --> 00:39:18,408
Have I sort of messed up
the fact
1040
00:39:18,409 --> 00:39:23,104
that I used to like simple
things and now, you know...
1041
00:39:23,105 --> 00:39:27,002
If Suzanne books holiday,
I'll be going, "Never mind.
1042
00:39:27,003 --> 00:39:28,535
"Forget it.
I'm gonna swim in the pool.
1043
00:39:28,536 --> 00:39:30,602
Where's the local tribe?"
1044
00:39:35,222 --> 00:39:36,821
Merchant: One of my ambitions
for the series...
1045
00:39:36,822 --> 00:39:38,621
I mean, I know Ricky's
got his own agenda...
1046
00:39:38,741 --> 00:39:39,816
but I was hoping that,
you know,
1047
00:39:39,849 --> 00:39:41,614
maybe travel
would broaden the mind.
1048
00:39:41,615 --> 00:39:43,180
That's the phrase that we hear.
1049
00:39:43,181 --> 00:39:46,246
Do you feel,
now the dust has settled,
1050
00:39:46,247 --> 00:39:48,012
like a different Karl?
1051
00:39:48,013 --> 00:39:50,877
You're saying about
the broadening of the mind.
1052
00:39:50,878 --> 00:39:52,975
I've put more stuff
in the mind.
1053
00:39:52,976 --> 00:39:55,841
And whenever you do that,
something has to go.
1054
00:39:55,842 --> 00:39:57,939
Why does it have to go?
No, no.
1055
00:39:57,940 --> 00:40:00,305
The mind... everything's only
got a certain amount of space.
1056
00:40:00,306 --> 00:40:01,738
There's never
an endless supply.
1057
00:40:01,739 --> 00:40:03,038
Even with computers, they go,
1058
00:40:03,039 --> 00:40:04,437
"Oh, disk space full"
or whatever.
1059
00:40:04,438 --> 00:40:05,835
It's the same with the brain.
1060
00:40:05,836 --> 00:40:09,834
But when I learn a new fact...
I don't have to make room.
1061
00:40:09,835 --> 00:40:12,200
I don't have to go, "Well,
I've got to chuck some out.
1062
00:40:12,201 --> 00:40:14,165
Got to chuck some out now."
1063
00:40:14,166 --> 00:40:15,532
Of course you do.
1064
00:40:15,533 --> 00:40:17,196
Unless you're Stephen Hawking,
1065
00:40:17,197 --> 00:40:18,929
who's got it all on hard drive,
1066
00:40:18,930 --> 00:40:21,328
you can't just go,
"Oh, where's that thing?
1067
00:40:21,329 --> 00:40:23,528
Where's that thing
that I'll remember?"
1068
00:40:23,529 --> 00:40:26,459
You might go, "I remember
knowing something like that."
1069
00:40:26,460 --> 00:40:28,891
Before, when you were talking
about bananas,
1070
00:40:28,892 --> 00:40:31,523
now I had that fact about
if you eat more than six,
1071
00:40:31,524 --> 00:40:32,923
it can kill you.
1072
00:40:32,924 --> 00:40:34,722
That's definitely not...
that's not a fact.
1073
00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:35,888
It is a fact.
No, it's not a fact.
1074
00:40:35,889 --> 00:40:37,587
Potassium levels
are dangerously high
1075
00:40:37,588 --> 00:40:38,920
if you have six bananas.
1076
00:40:38,921 --> 00:40:41,852
Now, I didn't...
When I walked in here today,
1077
00:40:41,853 --> 00:40:44,151
I wasn't going, "Let's tell
Ricky about the banana fact."
1078
00:40:44,152 --> 00:40:46,050
I went in that place
you're having makeup on.
1079
00:40:46,051 --> 00:40:47,382
I saw a bowl of bananas.
1080
00:40:47,383 --> 00:40:48,782
I said,
"There's six bananas there.
1081
00:40:48,783 --> 00:40:51,168
You know why there's only six?
Seven would be dangerous."
1082
00:40:51,288 --> 00:40:52,180
[ Laughs ]
1083
00:40:52,181 --> 00:40:53,279
This is what happened.
1084
00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:54,912
What fact squeezed out
of your brain
1085
00:40:54,913 --> 00:40:56,611
to accommodate
the banana information?
1086
00:40:56,612 --> 00:40:59,044
I don't know 'cause I forgot it.
Perfect.
1087
00:40:59,045 --> 00:41:02,342
[ Intro to Louis Armstrong's
"What A Wonderful World" plays ]
1088
00:41:05,241 --> 00:41:07,972
♪ I see trees of green ♪
1089
00:41:07,973 --> 00:41:09,538
[ Laughs ]
1090
00:41:09,539 --> 00:41:12,668
♪ Red roses, too ♪
1091
00:41:12,787 --> 00:41:14,318
There's no doors or anything.
1092
00:41:14,319 --> 00:41:17,350
♪ I see them bloom ♪
1093
00:41:17,351 --> 00:41:18,484
♪ for me and you ♪
1094
00:41:18,604 --> 00:41:19,224
Ohh!
1095
00:41:19,344 --> 00:41:22,116
♪ And I think to myself ♪
1096
00:41:22,948 --> 00:41:24,342
Ah!
1097
00:41:24,461 --> 00:41:27,746
♪ What a wonderful world ♪
1098
00:41:32,019 --> 00:41:36,078
♪ I see skies of blue ♪
1099
00:41:36,197 --> 00:41:37,530
What the [bleep] is that?
1100
00:41:37,649 --> 00:41:39,342
♪ Clouds of white ♪
1101
00:41:39,462 --> 00:41:40,735
Is that someone's gauze?
1102
00:41:40,855 --> 00:41:43,107
♪ The bright, blessed day ♪
1103
00:41:43,227 --> 00:41:46,367
♪ the dark, sacred night ♪
1104
00:41:46,588 --> 00:41:48,656
♪ and I think to myself ♪
1105
00:41:48,776 --> 00:41:51,498
The lights are changing!
Lights, lights, lights!
1106
00:41:51,618 --> 00:41:54,042
♪ What a wonderful world ♪
1107
00:41:54,065 --> 00:41:56,002
A lot of bees here.
1108
00:41:56,122 --> 00:41:57,532
[ Bees buzzing ]
1109
00:41:57,656 --> 00:41:59,209
Is anywhere safe?
1110
00:41:59,329 --> 00:42:03,452
♪ The colors of the rainbow ♪
1111
00:42:03,453 --> 00:42:06,284
♪ so pretty in the sky ♪
1112
00:42:06,285 --> 00:42:08,850
♪ are also on the faces ♪
1113
00:42:08,851 --> 00:42:10,382
That's a testicle.
1114
00:42:10,383 --> 00:42:12,421
♪ Of people going by ♪
1115
00:42:12,541 --> 00:42:14,699
♪ I see friends shaking hands ♪
1116
00:42:14,819 --> 00:42:16,249
Marcelo.
Marcelo.
1117
00:42:16,369 --> 00:42:18,645
♪ Saying, "How do you do?" ♪
Okay.
1118
00:42:18,646 --> 00:42:19,745
[ Moans ]
1119
00:42:19,746 --> 00:42:20,810
[Bleep]
1120
00:42:20,811 --> 00:42:23,255
♪ They're really saying ♪
1121
00:42:23,375 --> 00:42:26,375
♪ I love you ♪
1122
00:42:26,376 --> 00:42:28,840
♪ I hear babies cry ♪
1123
00:42:28,841 --> 00:42:30,606
[Bleep]
1124
00:42:30,607 --> 00:42:33,738
♪ I watch them grow ♪
1125
00:42:33,739 --> 00:42:35,937
♪ they'll learn much more ♪
1126
00:42:35,938 --> 00:42:37,603
I'm not putting meself
above me station here.
1127
00:42:37,604 --> 00:42:39,515
♪ Than I'll never know ♪
1128
00:42:39,634 --> 00:42:41,215
I thought
I was gonna be new Palin.
1129
00:42:41,985 --> 00:42:44,833
Then found out
I didn't know much.
1130
00:42:44,834 --> 00:42:47,635
And I put meself out
to learn a bit more.
1131
00:42:48,110 --> 00:42:49,596
It's been a journey.
1132
00:42:49,597 --> 00:42:51,862
People watching it
have been on my journey.
1133
00:42:51,863 --> 00:42:56,692
♪ Yes, I think to myself ♪
1134
00:42:56,812 --> 00:42:59,292
Everything I've been through,
they've seen.
1135
00:42:59,293 --> 00:43:02,933
♪ What a wonderful world ♪
1136
00:43:15,567 --> 00:43:19,380
People say travel broadens the mind,
but I don't think it does.
1137
00:43:19,500 --> 00:43:21,922
Bogus that up.
***
79182
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