Original subtitles

Outrageous. Great.

Fantastic.

Oh, tremendous.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Excuse me.

My gum was in front of you.

How did you know that was yours?

Five. Hmm?

Five seats in.

Five's my lucky number. You American?

Works for time. Want a no -frill?

What's a no -frill?

Five bucks for a handjob.

Could we be a little less public?

Fifty bucks, one hour. Make it a little less.

Okay, thirty -five.

Good. And ten for the room.

And five for the soap and towel.

Well, that's fifty dollars.

Take it or leave it.

Deal. I'll meet you outside in ten minutes. Ten minutes?

Mm -hmm, ten minutes. I have to meet Napoleon.

Napoleon.

Napoleon.

Hi, you're right on time.

You want the private room? Nope, nothing less. One hundred francs.

Listen,

I do a straight fuck.

I don't take it in the mouth. I don't take it in the ass. And I don't take it

the bed.

Straight fuck.

But I do a terrific handjob. That appeals to you more?

If you take a handjob, I'll give you ten dollars back.

What would you give back if you didn't have to do anything at all?

Are you one of those freaks from the embassy?

No, I'd just like to ask you a few questions. Yeah?

Like what? Well, for instance, at what price would you agree to suck someone

off? I clean floors first.

Then we can safely assume that... There are a lot of people in this world.

And some dig it, and some don't. Would you show me your asshole?

What? Do you leave your bathroom door open when you have guests?

You can get the fuck out of here. Be hasty.

Sounds familiar.

Huh?

God, it's Geraldine.

Geraldine!

Seymour! What the fuck are you doing in Paris?

Paris is the only place to recover from a Lawrence Blamey party.

I was there. Were you there?

I'm going to call him.

Actually, I don't remember if I was at the party.

But I should have been.

Are you through here? No, come with me. Look, this is something you really will

not believe.

My little temptress, this is Geraldine Rich, who is both very Geraldine and

rich. And she would like you to give her some head. Oh, my God. Just a little

suck between strangers.

Stop saying that.

You're the most disgusting pair I've met since I started making money in this

business. You should return every penny you've made since you started in this

business. Or give a rebate like the car companies.

I do my job. You do.

My dear, you are the absolute nadir of passion.

The most unexciting thing God has ever created.

A sexual civil service worker. Nobody needs to read my last book more or

deserves to be in my next book less than you.

What book is that?

The Anals of Passion.

I'll send you a copy.

You don't know my address.

I'll send it to the seat in the movie theater.

only trying to get ahead in the world. Does your book really work?

You may be... Seymour, help her.

Well, I could if anybody could.

I could make her the Goldenrod Girl. The Goldenrod Girl? Seymour, you go too

far. No, I could do it. The love lessons could do it. Do what?

Make you Lawrence Lehman's old lady at the next party he throws.

Who's Lawrence Lehman? Oh, you're off to a good start, Seymour. I could do it.

Bet you.

What? My soul, Dr. Love, and my commitment to publish the result.

You're on.

You want a job?

There's something about you that's not quite right.

I don't know.

Okay.

See you in the movies.

Bye.

Misty Beethoven.

Is that your real name?

No, it's not. I took it to sound more important.

What was it before?

Dolores Beethoven.

I should have guessed.

Well, I hope you like flying.

Who gets the vodka?

I do.

And the Bloody Mary?

Right.

It'll be strange to be back in the States.

First trip? Excuse me.

Do you think the pilot would give me some head?

I don't know. I'll ask him as soon as we're through with the dinner service.

Thank you. Well, you're going to learn a lot from this trip.

Now, the goldenrod girl is the invention of Lawrence Lehman.

Unlike some titles like Cunt of the Year or Ball Breaker of the Century, the

Goldenrod Girl is chosen informally and spontaneously.

Now, sometime during the next three or four months, the period will begin where

he's going to want to make some kind of a splash.

So, he'll announce the most exciting new girl of the season.

Usually a jet setter, sometimes a man.

Once they had a politician's daughter, but that's very rare.

I think that the time is right for a complete unknown.

That's me, huh?

No. No?

No. It will be you.

Okay, let's get you undressed.

No, no, no. You don't do it yourself.

You don't know how, for one thing.

And for another thing...

When a man undresses a woman, he gets a certain amount of pleasure from that.

Or if she undresses solely for him, he gets a certain amount of pleasure from

that also.

Misty, it is your job to learn to develop in yourself the instinct to

trivial act, a mundane routine, a daily chore into something stimulating,

creative, and above all, communicative.

I think men stink.

Well, they think you stink in fact, it's one of the most perfectly balanced

equations in nature

Whenever

you see that it's a triumph you say to

yourself look I made that It comes at my request.

It's my pride.

And sometimes a woman has to swallow her pride.

Can you make a man come when you want?

I think so.

Well, you're going to make three men come simultaneously.

Ooh.

Why? It'll give you confidence.

The erotic impulse is like rain, and as it seeps down the water table of sexual

custom, it becomes less intoxicating and less potent. It seeps down, social

class by social class, floor by floor, step by step, until it reaches the

basement. Fuck you.

Nope. Fuck them.

Missy, never forget the cardinal rule.

As Hyman Mandel once said,

Never let the fact that they are doing it wrong stop you from doing it right.

Who is Hyman Mandel?

I don't know.

I read that on the men's room wall at the New York Athletic Club.

Misty, now remember, most women stop sucking at the moment of orgasm.

That, however, is when the real woman just begins to suck.

And one and two and in and out.

When do we show her?

Soon. But not too soon.

Remember, the play is the thing we're in to catch the hard -on of the king.

Lawrence Lehman. The man who gave the world the magazine goldenrod.

Right where it deserves.

You know you're selfish.

You know you're self -obsessed.

You know you're an egomaniac.

You know your magazine stinks.

You know you're not as bright as everyone thinks you are.

You know you're not so talented.

You know you have a gray hair.

A gray hair? What the fuck are you talking about? I got a gray hair where?

You know, she did okay.

What's the artful Dodger thinking of now?

Get to the battle early.

Nelson said that.

Lord Nelson?

No, Nelson Eddy in Norte Marietta.

Why get to the battle early?

So you can leave early.

How do I know?

Let's go to Rome.

We can stay at my place.

Oh, I can confirm your return on that date. That's wonderful.

The destination is New York, and that's first class?

Correct. Which part of first class? Sex or non -sex?

Sex. First class, sex, non -smoking, or first class, sex, smoking?

First class, sex, non -smoking. First class, sex, non -smoking, adult film, or

first class, sex, non -smoking, family film?

Or first -class sex, non -smoking, adult film?

First -class sex, non -smoking, adult film, vegetarian, kosher, or regular

meals? Regular meals.

Are you a fucker or mostly interested in a little head?

Just a little head.

Very good.

That's three seats, Cascade Flight 111, destination New York.

First -class sex, non -smoking, adult film, no special meals.

interested in a little head and a lot of pleasure.

Happy landing. Bye.

Okay, let's see. We had wine with dinner, a brandy, two blowjobs and a

right?

Excuse me, but I had one blowjob and I haven't gotten my brandy yet.

Oh, okay.

Look,

you've charged him here for two blowjobs and a brandy, and he's only had one

blowjob and he hasn't gotten his brandy.

Oh, excuse me. Just let me get rid of these things, okay?

Uh, madam?

Excuse me. Uh, madam?

Madam?

Madam?

Yes? Are you holding a first class ticket?

No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.

I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to return to the coach section.

Could you wait one minute, please?

Passengers holding coach tickets are permitted in the first class cabin only

before takeoff and after landing.

Rules are rules.

Pilot's wife or no pilot's wife.

Where are we staying?

Geraldine's Little Shack in the country.

What's the biggest difference between New York and Rome?

There aren't as many Italians in Rome.

It's home.

Seymour, when do you want the car?

Six o 'clock tomorrow.

Uh, Misty?

Misty, in order to be something sexually, it is absolutely necessary to

being nothing sexually.

Like my Napoleon?

We're not even going to talk about that.

Now, the important thing is that you learn to concentrate on what you're

That's why tomorrow night I don't want you to say a word.

Is that important?

Misty. Do you know why people have unsatisfactory sexual relations?

No. Because they talk too goddamn much.

And they say the wrong thing.

They turn somebody on, and then immediately they turn them off.

We don't want to make that mistake with you.

So tomorrow night, I don't want you to open your mouth.

You don't?

Well, you know what I mean.

Tomorrow night, you're going out to the ballet with some delightful people.

You know how I hate being late anywhere.

Oh, please.

You could have gotten home 30 minutes sooner. You didn't have to putz around

that way.

How are you doing? Hi.

Hi, how are you?

I should have picked him up by now. Nice meeting you.

Hello, girl.

Don't talk with your mouth full.

They should be at the opera house.

Now, Alfredo Spontini is a man who, when he wants to get off, wants to get off

right away, no matter where he happens to be.

But he has a special problem. He has difficulty sustaining his excitement.

And right now they should be in the toilet.

Blast off!

I haven't ever seen anything so shocking in all my life!

Don't you young people have any respect for others anymore?

I never would have done such a thing when I was your age. I would have had

consideration for other people.

If he couldn't control himself, I would have sucked him off in the telephone

booth.

Did you hear what

happened at the ballet in Rome the other night?

Oh, what happened?

This girl did a number with Alfredo Spantini in the toilet.

Oh, you don't say.

Everybody in Rome is talking about it.

Oh, you know how they exactly... Quite shocking. I hear she swings both ways.

So what? My wife fucked the maid for years. It never affected her

with her lover. Who is she? I think she's new.

Her name is... Misty Beethoven.

So long.

Have you ever heard of a girl named Misty Beethoven?

No. Why?

Xavier Bernstein said that she freaked everyone at the Firebird in Rome Monday

night. Yeah?

Yes, matinee and evening performances.

So who the fuck is she?

Misty Beethoven is getting her name in the paper.

They're talking about Misty Beethoven.

They're talking about Misty Beethoven.

It says here that Misty Beethoven is the perfect example of an over -sexed

Capricorn. Misty Beethoven?

Yes, the new cunt on the scene.

Give me a rundown on her. Hey, did you hear Misty Beethoven was born on the

international date line and only three astrologists in the world can do her

chart? And she has a compulsion to be sexually satisfied wherever she happens

be. She must be a Scorpio.

Scorpio?

Scorpio is usually frigid. It says here that Misty Beethoven is a perfect

example of an Aquarius.

Aquarius?

Aquarians take it in the ass, don't they?

Of course they do, you romantic fool. Of course they do.

So what did you find out about her?

Well, Sandra Bromowitz thinks she may be from Belgium.

I'll never get this.

Who on earth is he?

I don't know. I've heard...

That her mother's Hungarian.

Hungarian? It's getting better.

I think she's ready. What?

To venture out into the world and simultaneously at the very same moment,

without her fingers leaving her hands, both scheme and fuck at the same time.

Dependent, Dr. Love. Want a pair?

You're on.

Who is she going to ball?

She is going to ball an impotent man.

I'm leaving.

She's not up to that.

Well, maybe not, but let's hope she's down to it.

I know I'll blow it.

Well said, my dear.

But don't worry.

It may look like we're rushing things a bit, but the fact is, if you're going to

walk and talk at the same time, it's necessary that we find somebody that, if

you do fall on your ass, it won't make any difference.

Sounds like my first husband.

The target is in Europe at the moment.

Who is it?

Yes.

Shankashak. No.

You did?

It's someone who's really rather attractive for an impotent man.

Very straight and square.

Hasn't even visited the closet yet.

Have you got it?

Not a suspicion.

I'll give you one more hint.

Geneva.

Text time?

Well?

Oh, my God! Oh, fuck!

Where is it?

I know a lot of people. Why must it be him? Yeah, why him?

It will excite Misty. If she lives.

How on earth are you going to pull it off?

I'm going to plan it.

That's all.

Tanya, favorite of favorites.

Seymour, how lovely.

I was in the neighborhood.

You look well, Seymour.

I feel well, thanks.

How many years has it been?

Four, I think.

We had fun.

Say we had fun.

We had fun. Yes, that's true. We had fun.

Most of what I bullshit people with, I learned from you.

We learn from each other.

Give me a kiss.

Oh, I have a matinee today.

And I have a show to do this afternoon.

Oh, you have so much work.

So much work.

You look tired.

I feel tired.

Very tired.

Very tired.

Very tired.

Oh, yes, very tired.

You need a trip.

I need a trip.

How much?

The instructions are in the envelope.

If for any reason you can't take this assignment, I shall personally self

-destruct before your very eyes.

Now find an excuse to gain entry.

Photograph the layout of our prospective target.

This will allow Misty to feel at home the first time she's there.

In my opinion, they'll probably wind up on the floor.

Well, what do you think of my plan?

You are mischievous.

Grant me one thing.

What's that?

I'm not saying it can be done.

How dare you?

But I am saying that if anyone can do it, we can do it. You're forgiven.

And absolutely right.

Now, the instructions on the tape can be transmitted easily and therefore can be

meticulously followed.

What's the tape going to say, Seymour? Do you have to order it special or do

have it in stock?

Everything here is custom made.

Nothing is off the rack.

Tanya, how are you with speaking into a microphone?

Why, you know I've made 13 films.

Most of them in Super 8. You hold this.

Take down every word.

It's audio -visual time.

The bringing out of a difficult man.

Sound only. Take one.

Give her some body contact.

Body contact.

Now keep after her.

I'm after you.

Find an excuse to touch him.

Say, sir.

There's something in your eye.

Sir, you have something in your eye. Now he'll probably get uncomfortable and

change his position.

Turn that to your advantage and move in on him.

I'm moving in on you.

Give her a little kiss.

Just a touch.

I'm kissing you.

A little harder.

Slowly kiss him.

Run your tongue over his nipple.

I'm gonna kiss his other nipple.

I'm going to suck your cock.

Lick the side of his cock.

Lick his cock.

Suck it.

The inside of a ripe mango.

I'm going to lick your cock like the insides of a ripe mango.

Ripe mango. Take two.

Looking in the head of your car.

Why not do the sequel right now?

Thank you.

Oh. So, Mr. Teer.

I can call it in five hours.

Me, nervous?

Much too hysterical to be nervous.

I, uh, I can't do it.

Would you mind telling us why you can't do it? Because I won't fool anybody,

that's why.

Never try to sell phony merchandise to someone who knows better.

You can't cheat people at their own game. Believe me, I learned that. Maybe

hadn't, then I'd have more confidence.

On the streets, it's simpler. Everybody does their number.

But nobody fools anybody.

I'm sorry.

I would say that the plot has taken a sudden turn.

Hey, who said anything about you being a phony?

You're not a phony.

I'm not, huh?

Want to know, Frills?

I don't believe this.

I know that listening to tape -recorded instructions isn't enough to put me

over. That's not the right attitude.

You're not going to fool anybody that way. I won't fool anybody anyway.

Hey, let's go for a drive.

Now, Misty, when I first met you, I had my doubts.

Serious doubts that you could pull this off.

I thought I'd have a book without a last chapter.

But you've been doing wonderfully.

Beautifully. I might even say adequate.

Thanks. No, that's a compliment.

Can you spare it?

You know, I find myself thinking about you a lot these days.

When this project is over, I hope it won't mean that we won't see each other.

Really? Look, when you come back from Geneva, let's have dinner together, just

the two of us.

Maybe we can get to know each other a little better.

That'd be nice.

Attention, household.

The one and only Misty Beethoven and her magic... tape recorder are off to

Geneva.

Polished, framed, and programmed.

Yes, sir.

Excuse me. We're closing.

Now, the instructions on the tape can be transmitted easily and received

comfortably, and they can be followed meticulously.

How much is this?

I'm sorry, that one's sold.

Of course, we'll have to have Geraldine's assistance.

She's always willing to lend a finger.

It must be a power failure.

Well, not much we can do about it.

We might as well sit here until the lights come back on.

It should just be a moment.

Now, move in close.

Check.

What? Oh, nothing, nothing.

Give her some body contact.

Body contact.

Now keep after her.

I'm after you.

Find an excuse to touch him. Say, sir, there's something in your eye.

Sir, you have something in your eye.

Sir, you have something in your eye.

How can you tell?

I saw it there before.

Now he'll probably get uncomfortable and change his position.

Turn that to your advantage and move in on him.

What's that perfume?

New experience.

Give her a little kiss.

Just a touch.

A little harder.

I'm kissing you.

Run your tongue over his nipple.

I'm gonna kiss his other nipple.

I'm going to suck your cock.

I'm going to suck your cock.

Lick his cock.

That's it. Lick the side of his cock.

I'm going to lick your cock like the inside of a ripe mango.

Ripe mango, take two.

Ripe mango, take two.

the girl is dynamite.

But I cannot claim all of the credit myself.

Oh, no, no, no. Some of the congratulations must go to the one and

Geraldine. Geraldine.

That's her.

Hey,

you. It's past your bedtime.

How's Misty Beethoven?

Fantastic. I heard she fucked Jacques -Bernard Geneva so well he went

No. His friends have asked him to see a psychiatrist. I don't understand this.

The girl was completely unknown, and now she's seduced half of the unlikely men

in Europe. She must be completely infatuated with Dr. Love.

He's an animal. An animal. A total and complete animal.

Does he have to be so insulting?

That's what writing a book is.

Listen, I know him. He hit it big when he was very young. And he's starting to

think he doesn't have the same impact.

And pulling this off is very important to him. It doesn't matter. There's no

excuse. There's a way of doing things. He's always ridiculing me. And the

I'm not doing a number, I don't even exist.

You know, he's never once looked into my eyes.

I heard him say one day that if you looked into a woman's left eye, you

see right into her cunt.

You know, he's never looked into my left eye. He's never looked into any eye.

He has to be the coldest, most insensitive son of a bitch I've ever run

And I used to see a lot on the streets. I'll bet if Dr. Love were here right

now, he'd choke you to death.

Well, if he wants to choke me to death, he'll never get a better opportunity.

Your sensitive touch is unmistakable.

Reminds one of a fucking hippopotamus trying to play the piano.

Thanks for the workout. I'll be champion.

Thank you.

to the doctorate.

Hello, House of Love.

No, he's not.

They're all attended to studios on the stage where Lawrence Lehman's production

is having its end of shooting party.

Yes, they should be back by morning.

No, they didn't say which morning.

I have a feminine.

Want to hear?

After your success with Lehman, we're going to have dinner.

The two of us.

Here we go.

Go on. Straight up to him.

Tell Lawrence Lehman that Misty Beethoven wants his, quote, fucking ass

here right away, unquote.

Okay.

. . . . .

.

The furniture arrives on Thursday I'm very pleased you could make it

I wouldn't have missed it for anything

Misty, Barbara.

Barbara, Misty.

Good evening.

Good evening.

I'm going to get your old man off. Does that bother you?

You don't think I'm going to let him make that perilous journey alone?

I wish I

My throat is so

dry Feeling for you is hurting me I

don't know why

I wish I was in

my car.

I wish I was in

my car.

I said

I'm looking for something exciting.

I'll be looking until I...

My bad.

um

Thanks for a wonderful evening, Doctor.

You really throw a hell of a party.

The Svengali of six.

Why, when I first met that girl, she took me to a place where you had to play

extra for the private rats running around the room.

Sometimes the idiot refused to do what I told her. About this party tonight. The

cunt on many an afternoon said she wouldn't come.

What did you do about it?

Well, I gave her a kick in the ass and told the cunt she had to absolutely do

for me.

This approach is particularly successful when you ask them to dinner at the same

time. Something quiet and intimate.

That is absolutely essential.

When all else fails, you beat the shit out of them while at the same time

telling them that you love them.

All hail the goldenrod girl.

You weren't supposed to hear that.

I want to take this opportunity of thanking you for everything.

I've learned a lot.

Lawrence Lehman will pick up my things.

Hey! Hey, where are you going?

You can't leave now.

Stay! You can have Caesar!

Why would I want Caesar?

I already have Napoleon.

Misty Beethoven made quite a hit at Lawrence Layman's party. Really? I

thought she was the best. Me too.

Where's Seymour Love?

Going back to New York with his tail between Lawrence Layman's legs.

Would anyone like to fuck a stewardess?

Duty free ends in 20 minutes.

Are we landing soon?

Yes, we are.

Why

did she

do that?

She takes the cigars I buy in Jamaica and smuggles them past the U .S.

Oh.

But it's not illegal to import Jamaican cigars into the States.

I'll start the book next week.

Never thought she'd end up with laymen.

Funny how things work out.

Wonder how they're getting along.

How late is it in Rome?

Too late, Seymour.

Enjoy the movie, Seymour.

she never did get it down right.

She's too stupid.

I could have worked a hundred years. She never would have absorbed it all.

She was the most unexciting thing God ever created.

The absolute nadir of passion.

A sexual civil service worker.

Ow! How's that?

Fuck you!

Sweetheart, look, I'm prepared to accept once in a while that as the erotic

impulse beats into the water table of sexual customers, that the purification

process can lead to a circuit.

Seymour, you know why most people have sexual problems? They talk to goddamn...

Okay.

No! No!

I hear there's a new girl on the scene. She's fantastic.

It says here that she's making a play for Lawrence. Who was his last

Who was the last Goldenrod girl?

Misty Mozart.

Was that her name? Of course. Who could forget a name like that? Nobody knows

where she is. She was Seymour Love's friend.

They were very close.

They always went everywhere together. Now nobody knows where she is. Like the

hurt she was writing a book.

Remember what Hyman Mandel said. Just because they do it wrong doesn't mean

you can't do it right.

One and two.

One and two.

One and two.

One and two.

One and two.

One and two.

One and two.