Original subtitles

This is the Rockin' Roger Morning Show, late-night edition.

CMJ is almost upon us, so if you like your live music,

and I know that you do, you'll wanna get your wristbands before it's too late.

And speaking of too late, it's never too late to say you're say sorry,

and right now I wanna dedicate this next song to all the lovely ladies

in Rockin' Roger's rock 'n' roll past.

Ladies, if you're burning and itching,

you might want to see a doctor.

Immediately.

[♪ I'm Coming To Get You]

♪ Time is ticking Almost done

♪ What we hated We've become

♪ By the pricking of my thumbs

♪ Something wicked

♪ This way comes

♪ l'm coming to get you

♪ l'm coming to get you

♪ l'm coming to get you

♪ High

♪ I dropped the needle

♪ Pick it up

♪ Don't you worry You're old enough

♪ Times are changin' So am I

♪ Time's a-wastin'

♪ It's time to die

♪ l'm coming to get you

♪ l'm coming to get you

♪ l'm coming to get you

♪ High ♪

- That's not what I'm saying, Joey. - What are you saying, Jeff?

I'm saying that you should be firing me.

- So you're quitting? - I'm not quitting.

Why do you keep saying that? I'm not.

What I'm saying is, as your manager, I am advising you to fire your manager.

- That's... That's all I'm saying. - OK. I can't fire you.

CMJ's in ten days. You said we had a showcase gig with industry insiders

- and A&R guys... - Movers and shakers?

- Was I drinking when I said that? - You're always drinking.

See, you should totally fire me!

[French accent] Montreal, land of Hugo's birth.

Many women will be very pleased to hear of my return.

No matter how long you go away, you always come back. You're like herpes.

- Hugo is not like herpes. - Hugo's a lot like herpes.

- He's not. - Guys, where's Joe and Jennifer?

Joey's talking to Jeff. Jennifer is talking to some scary guy.

What scary guy?

[inaudible]

- Whoa. He is kind of creepy. - Yeah, he is.

You know what? Let's just face it, Joey. We're both getting long in the tooth.

- What does that mean? - All right, here's your beers.

- We didn't order these. - Oh, no, no. It's...

It's on the house.

- Well, thank you very much. - Yeah, not you. You have to pay.

Of course, yeah. Hang on.

One second.

[hums]

- OK, how much is it? - That'll do. Thanks.

Twenty. Twenty! That's nice for free beer.

Hey, you know, I know how you're feeling, though.

You're gettin' old, hm? I'm getting old.

Rock and roll is getting old.

Have you considered Japanese hip-hop?

- I'm not Japanese. - Yeah.

No, I guess that's not really right for you, but it's a shame,

because it's gonna be huge.

- [phone rings] - Oh, sorry. Hang on a second.

Konnichiwa.

You know what, Joey, I'm gonna have to take this outside,

and then I'm gonna have to go home. OK?

[speaks Japanese]

- Hey, have another round. - Thanks.

It's tough watching a weasel like that crush another man's dreams.

A man's gotta have his dreams.

Yeah, I should get back to the band. Thanks.

Band can wait, Joey.

Do I know you? How'd you know my name?

I can read your mind.

Wow. What am I thinking right now?

You're thinking this bartender is crazy.

You're good.

You're afraid of being a loser the rest of your life.

Too late for you, too late for the band. I'd say you're 30 pounds ofjunk food

and a retail job away from killing yourself.

Just a guess.

Thanks for the drink.

So how'd it go with Jeff?

Great, you know? He's really excited about the New York show.

Says there's gonna be a lot of industry insiders, movers and shakers.

Right. So, what hotel are we staying at tonight?

It's such a nice night I thought we'd save money, sleep in the bus.

No! First of all, it's not a bus, it's a hearse...

- We're sleeping in the hearse tonight? - Just for tonight, OK?

- That sucks. - Could you give us a second, please?

I've given you ten years. Now I gotta sleep with Hugo?

I'll meet up with you guys in the morning, OK?

I'm going out with some friends.

That is a friend of yours?

Oh, I'm sorry, is that any of your business?

He looks like a junkie from hell, for chrissakes.

- Don't you have a girlfriend? - This is about the band!

It always is.

We have a six-hour drive tomorrow.

And I don't wanna sleep in the hearse. The hearse smells like drummer.

- I heard that. - I'm going to a party.

Fine, you know, but we're leaving at noon tomorrow, with or without you.

- Fine. I'll see you then. - Fine.

Wait.

If you're going to a party, give these out.

They got the new website on them.

- [Hugo] Maybe you should go with her. - [Joey] She can handle herself.

She didn't invite you, huh?

Can we load the gear, please?

Yes, Joey. We can.

Don't touch me.

[♪ Flesh and Bone]

♪ Has the terrible danger that surrounds us

♪ Become like a drug?

♪ Are we more like strangers ln a glass house?

♪ We're rich with the blood

♪ How can you leave the black out?

♪ You're only flesh and bone

♪ Flesh and bone

♪ When a blanket of winter ls all around us

♪ We have to stay warm

♪ When there's no one there you can count on

♪ You have to transform

♪ How can you leave the black out? ♪

- Well, this sucks. - Where is she?

- Hitched a ride with The Itchies. - She'll be here. I know women.

- We're gonna miss sound check. - I hope she's OK.

She's OK. She's always OK. She just doesn't care.

- This is why I broke up with her. - She dumped you.

Yeah, for being an insensitive prick. Her words, not mine.

Screw it. Hugo, you're on bass. Let's roll.

[♪ Blue Peter: Same Old Place]

♪ Every time I turn around

♪ There's people letting me down

♪ And everywhere that I go

♪ No one ever wants to know

♪ Look, I'm tired of the scene

♪ Living such stale dreams

♪ I don't want to get involved

♪ No, I just want to be dissolved

♪ It's the same old place

♪ I see them melting in the heat I see them walking down the street

♪ You'd think the future of the world is wrapped up with some girl

♪ And every time I turn around there's people letting me down

♪ And everywhere that I go everybody's in the know ♪

[man] Copy that. Could someone tell Susan she has visitors?

[mellow bossa nova music]

Hi, honey.

- What are you doing here? - You look good.

What are you doing here? I'm working.

Yeah, I know. Um...

We hit a little snag.

You want money.

Why are you being like that?

- You don't want money? - Yeah, I want money,

but there's no reason to be cruel and weird about it.

- I am not being cruel and weird. - Yeah, you are.

You're being cruel and weird and making me feel like shit.

You know what? I can't do this right now.

- Neither can I. - Fine. Then leave.

- Fine, I will. Thanks. - Fine.

Are you coming to the show tonight, or...?

Will junkie slut be coming?

No, as a matter of fact, Jennifer won't be joining us.

We left her in Montreal.

Maybe I'll come. Where are the rest of the retards, anyway?

Your friend with the headset said that they could...

- Hi, Susan! - Hi, Susan!

Hi, Susan.

They're really hungry, what with us having no money and all, but it's cool.

You're working, and I should go anyways.

- [man] OK, let's get first team in - I gotta go.

OK. It's OK.

There's about a hundred bucks in my purse in my room. Just take it.

- I'm ashamed. - Yeah, you should be.

- OK. - And Joey?

Yeah?

Put me on the list tonight.

I... I will. For sure. OK. I gotta go.

[woman] Final touches!

[rock music]

[bass out of time]

- That sounds super. - We cool?

- No, but thanks anyway. - [Jennifer] That sounded like shit.

Jennifer?

Well, you look... different.

I'm not different. I'm the exact same person.

No, I just meant, like, your hair and your...

Nope. No, I'm the same old Jennifer. Nothing different here.

OK. How'd you get here?

- I hitched a ride with The Itchies. - Where are they?

Oh, they should be here soon.

Unless something terrible happens to them.

- What? - They said they couldn't make it.

OK, I don't understand. They drove you from Montreal to Toronto

- and then decided not to play? - Yeah, they're totally crazy.

- Who cares? They totally suck! - Welcome back, Jen.

You were missed.

You look different.

[bird squawks]

- Eddie Van Helsig! - Where's Queeny?

[snarls]

Soon it will be dark again.

Kill me.

It doesn't have to be like this. You can be saved.

Just tell me where the queen is, and I'll let you live.

You can't save me, vampire hunter.

You couldn't even save your own woman.

Burn in hell, Nosferatu.

There has to be some mistake. I'm the singer's girlfriend.

- Sure you are. - What's that supposed to mean?

It means ten bucks.

- Look... - Are you that girl from Space Ralders?

- Yes. - You can totally afford ten bucks.

The money goes to the band.

Let me in the fucking club.

[♪ Going Nowhere]

♪ Don't know how to begin

♪ Open road is closing in

♪ We're getting far from where we've been

♪ And where we're going

♪ And where we going anyway?

♪ Don't know how to explain

♪ Open road, expectlng rain

♪ We're gettlng far from where we came

♪ And where we're going

♪ And where we going anyway?

- ♪ Going nowhere - ♪ Going nowhere

♪ Coming down

- ♪ Going nowhere - ♪ Going nowhere

♪ Coming down ♪

[♪ Robert Johnson: Crossroads]

♪ I went to the crossroads

♪ Fell down on my knees

♪ I went to the crossroads...

Hi, Joey.

You! What the hell are you doing here?

Wait... What the hell am I doing here? Where the hell are we, man?

Well, clearly, we are at a crossroads in your life.

- What? - We don't have a lot of time. No.

You don't have a lot of time. I, on the other hand, have lots.

That's great. Um... How do I get outta here?

You have a decision to make, a tough one.

But I think if you look all around you, the answer's right in front of you.

Who are you? My fairy godmother from hell?

No, it's not who I am, it's who you are.

Who are you, man? What the hell's goin' on?

Who are you?!

I am Hugo!

Hugo! Ah, shit, my head!

- Yeah, Susan hit you with a bottle. - She what?

- Hey, he's alive! - What the hell was that?

- What? - Whoa. She clocked you pretty hard.

- You been out for a while. - I have?

Did you notice anything different about tonight's performance?

- What do you mean? - Jennifer. Did you see that?

Sorry, Tyler. I'm distracted by my girlfriend throwing a beer bottle at me.

I think it's pretty safe to call her your ex-girlfriend now.

I'm talking about Jennifer.

- Agh! What the hell? - How ya doin', guys? Nice set.

- Thanks. - What's with the flashlight?

- Keeps the dark away. - [Tyler] At least you're not a cop.

Are you afraid of the dark?

We should all be afraid of darkness.

I am afraid of spiders. They are... no good.

Um... I really like your bass player. Is she around?

- Haven't seen her. Where is Jennifer? - I don't know.

- She said she was really hungry. - She went to get something to eat.

Shit. I didn't wanna hear that!

- Oh, God... - That was weird.

I'm telling you, man, something really strange happened tonight.

- What? - People were really receptive.

That's not so strange, Tyler.

I've been trying to channel all that shit in my life into our shows...

Not to you, to Jennifer. You were unconscious at the time.

We got an encore!

- We did? - Yeah!

Things are finally starting to work for us, man. I cannot wait for Buffalo!

- Oh, Buffalo. - No.

- I promised Beef one more show. - Goddamn it!

- Hey. - What?

- Find Jennifer. Now. - What...?

God!

[woman on radlo] ♪ Try as I might

♪ Shadows are forming

♪ Night after night

♪ What can I do?

♪ Baby, when you come home

♪ l'm never gonna let you leave me alone

♪ Without my man

♪ But Lord knows I'm doin'

♪ The best I can

♪ I know my man

♪ Works for a livlng

♪ I know my man

♪ He works for me

♪ I know I will

♪ Always forgive him

♪ All I can say, all I can see

♪ Baby, when you come home

♪ l'm never gonna let you leave me alone

♪ Without my man

♪ But Lord knows I'm doin'

♪ The best I can

♪ l'm still alone

♪ Without my man

♪ But Lord knows I'm doin'... ♪

[groans]

♪ Change has come

♪ Change with me

♪ Whatever's meant to be will be

♪ Whatever's meant to be will be ♪

♪ Hey, little glrl

♪ You're all right

♪ lf one of us goes further

♪ We ain't never gonna make it Make it back

♪ Yeah, baby

♪ lf one of us goes further

♪ We ain't never gonna make it Make it back

♪ Yeah, sugar ♪

Hey, we got ten comments on the website.

- Really? What do they say? - They're from the Toronto show.

Bob779, he says the bass player is totally hot.

Hey, well, that's positive.

- Hey, they're all about Jennifer. - All of them?

No, there's one about you here.

"The lead singer of The Winners should step down and let the real star..."

- Yeah, I get it. That's good. - I think I'm gonna be sick.

That's perfect. We're not gonna get across the border with a junkie.

- Everyone be cool. We're here. - We're going to the jail.

Shut up.

Good afternoon, sir. How are you?

Pull it over to the side, please, sir.

- Certainly. Is there some sort of...? - Are you deaf? Pull it over now!

Leave 'em for me.

[hums]

Passports.

OK...

Well, girlies...

- ...any drugs in the vehicle? - No. None.

What about you, miss? What's your citizenship?

- We're Canadian. She's an American. - Am I speaking to you?

No. No, sir.

- Miss? - [deep voice] American.

Are you under the influence of any narcotics, miss?

Huh?

You wanna lose the glasses?

I, uh... I'm a bit... I'm sensitive to the light.

I had a bit too much to drink at the gig last night.

Gig?

- Are you in a band? - Yeah.

Sweet! I used to play in a band.

Really? What kind of stuff did you...?

Takes me back.

Rock on, dudes. Have a good one.

Thank you.

Morning, sir. Citizenship?

American.

What was the purpose of your trip to Canada?

[groans]

- Hunting. - Any weapons in the vehicle, sir?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Lots of weapons.

Welcome home.

[Jennifer] I just need something to calm my stomach.

[Joey] Yeah, we're gonna miss sound check.

[Hugo] I have to make pee.

[♪ Moonlight Sonata]

[music stops abruptly]

Hey, I have to make pee.

Here you go.

[♪ Moonlight Sonata]

How you doin'?

I'm thirsty.

Maybe I can buy you a drink.

I get off at 4am.

I'm thirsty now.

Well, I got a drink right here.

You want a suck?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

[heavy rock music]

It's notjust me, man. Everyone hates Buffalo.

- What's bad about playing in Buffalo? - The Secretaries.

- Who? - The Secretaries of Steak.

You wanna play Buffalo, you open for The Secretaries.

- And they're bad? - Yes, but that's not why we hate them.

Their fans are rabid.

They pelt the opening act with an assortment of raw meats.

Meat? Like... like real, really real meat?

Yeah, like real, raw, bloody meat.

It's not what it looks like.

- Don't be scared. - You drank the guy!

I know. Hugo, I'm sick.

I have a sickness. I can't help myself.

You have to help me, Hugo.

Help you what?!

I need you to dismember this body and hide it.

[thud]

OK, this is stupid. Where are they?

- Maybe there's a line. - There's no other cars!

Hey. I had a dream you were like a monster!

Monster?

Hugo, that's silly. I'm not a monster.

[deep voice] I'm your master, and you have a lot of cleaning up to do.

Quol?

[yells]

Stop screaming!

You're going to eat Hugo?

No. No, I'm not. I'm not gonna eat Hugo.

I'm gonna help Hugo, and Hugo is gonna help me.

Listen, it'll be fun, OK?

And then, if you do a good job,

I'll make you an immortal at the end of the tour.

You mean, like, Hugo will live forever?

Or Hugo will die in five seconds.

I'm going to need my hacksaw.

I brought it.

Oh.

OK, that's it. I'm going in there.

[Jennifer] Hey, guys.

All right.

Here's your sandwich,

yourjuice,

your chips and Pepsi.

Wow! You're feeling better.

Yeah, I had some antacid. It calmed my stomach down.

That's a relief. Where's Hugo?

He'll be out in a second. He got a nosebleed.

Hugo doesn't do drugs.

Dry climate in Buffalo.

- We need to go. - Quite a nosebleed. You OK there, bud?

- Everything's normal. - Good enough for me. Let's go.

This is Rockin'Roger, and you're listening to KCUS.

Touch yourself, touch your friends, but...

...don't touch that dial.

[♪ Still Bleeding]

Yeah!

Yeah!

All rise for The Secretaries of Steak!

♪ I said war, not the war in my head

♪ Who will be held accountable for the dead?

♪ And why must I be paid to kill

♪ And sin?

♪ As I slash his throat against my will

♪ Out he froze his life God chose it

♪ l'm inside of this lonely grave

♪ And no one was saved And still I bleed

♪ And still I bleed

♪ And still I bleed

♪ And still I bleed ♪

Why do they throw meat?

They're all about Jennifer again. They say she's mesmerising.

What, we got 40 hits on the website and they're all about Jennifer?

That's 'cause she's totally hot, and you totally suck.

Why do they throw meat?

Hugo! Roll another. I'm approaching enlightenment.

We are without papers.

Jennifer has the papers.

[heavy rock music]

I'll go get 'em.

No! I'll go.

No, dude, I am the biggest fucking rock star in Buffalo. Chicks dig me.

- I'll go. - No, but I know where they are, so...

[heavy rock music]

- I should just probably go myself? - What's the problem, Frenchie?

- What did you call me? - Frenchie.

Little Frenchie don't speak-a da English, Frenchie?

- Have a nice time. - I will, you bitch.

Douche.

[heavy rock music]

- Hello, angel. - You wanna come inside?

As long as you're on the pill.

Well, hello.

Oh, my God, you smell so good.

It's about fuckin' time someone noticed.

You know what? I taste really good, too.

- Really? - Yeah.

You wanna meet Baby Beef?

[screaming]

- What the hell was that? - Television! It was television.

Hey, assholes! Turn down your damn television!

Hey, Hugo! You wanna take it easy?

[Tyler] What were you talking about? Stopping?

- What? - Stopping her?

Oh, yeah, OK. We're stopping at Victor's.

- Nice! - We need to record some new material.

This showcase gig is gonna have a lot of industry insiders and A&R guys...

Jennifer's got a new song.

Yeah, I'm working on something.

Wow. You won't even listen to it. Who are you, Prince?

No, I'm just saying that I write the songs.

- And how's that been working for us? - What the hell does that mean?

- I'm gonna go check on those papers. - It means maybe it's time to give

someone else a shot.

Why are you so obsessed with Jennifer all of a sudden?

- Can't you see what's going on here? - I think I see what's going on here.

- I think you're in love with her. - Me? That's stupid!

- But it's true. - Shut up!

- But it's so obvious. - What's obvious?

I love Jennifer? Are you completely out of your fucking mind?

Maybe I'm crazy, or maybe I'm just high, but as of right now,

nothing seems certain except for the fact that you love Jennifer.

Joey still loves Jennifer, and Hugo loves Jennifer.

Oh, my God, I'm in love with Jennifer.

I don't know whether it's 'cause she's hot

or maybe it's 'cause she's the only girl around.

But... either way, I'm totally smitten.

- Let's order some more food. - Yeah.

- Jesus! - Beef had to go home.

Hugo. Hugo!

- Where'd all that blood come from? - From the show.

Hugo, you just left here clean and you come back covered in mystery blood.

Wanna tell me what the fuck is going on?

You're stoned?

Bye-bye.

What are we smoking, PCP?

- Hey. Hey! - [buzzing]

- Hey. Hey! - [buzzing]

Hey...

Hey. Hello, my friend.

You are my friend. You! You are my friend.

Stop crying! I'm trying to eat!

All right, what the hell is going...?

- It's not what it looks like. - You ate Beef!

- [deep voice] Everyone be cool. - OK, we've definitely smoked PCP.

- I can explain. - You can explain

- why you're chewing on a severed arm? - Don't be such a drama queen.

Drama queen? You killed someone!

Whoa. Hey, now. Everybody just chill a second. Nobody killed anybody.

It's PCP! We're just bad trippin' is all. Right, Jenny?

No, this is real.

And you had Hugo cover your tracks as usual.

And you're an insensitive asshole who only cares about himself as usual!

Do you think I want to be in this situation?

You think I know who the hell you are any more?

- Nobody likes a judge. - Yeah, no one likes a vampire, either.

- Screw you, Joey! - Screw me? Screw me?

- You're out of the band, Jennifer! - She's kind of the best thing

- about this band right now. - Tyler...

I'm just saying, maybe you should sleep on it.

Oh, my God, you really ate Beef. This is really happening.

It's really happening.

OK. Well, we have to call the cops.

Who are you? No one's calling the cops.

We're still a band, not a bunch of narcs!

- There's a dead body in the bathtub. - What are you gonna tell them?

"Our bass player's a vampire, she just ate the most popular band in Buffalo"?

- They'll lock you up! - What happens on the road

- stays on the road. - Just shut up, OK? Let me think.

- Do you have vampire powers? - Yes.

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

I'm super fast, super strong and I can talk to other vampires with my mind.

- Plus, I can turn into fog. - Get out!

- She ate The Itchies. - You ate The Itchies?

- Holy shit, Jennifer! - I can explain.

How?

I have a problem, but I'm still the same person inside.

I'm still the same girl.

I need help.

I need you guys.

[buzzing]

All right, I know it's been a long night.

But if we're still playing this showcase gig, we need to set some ground rules.

- OK. - What kind of ground rules?

Rule number one: under no circumstances

may you make any other member of this band into a vampire.

- She promised me immortality. - Yeah. Life's about disappointment.

- Rule number one's bullshit! - OK, Hugo...

Rule number two: no more killing, all right?

If you need blood, we'll... We'll pull over and you can suck on a cow.

- Will that work? - It's a deal-breaker, OK?

No more mur... No more murders.

All right, fine. I'll try cow blood. It might work.

Might work. Didn't think to try it first, just...

You're judging again.

Rule number three: Total honesty from this point on.

- No more secrets. - You mean like Jeff quitting?

Jeff quit?

Yeah, Jeff quit, OK? I lied. But it was for the good of the band.

Jeff quit? Well, what about our big industry insider show,

with all the movers and shakers? Why are we even bothering to go?

I don't know any more.

Lighten up, man. We'll go.

It's not like anyone has anything else to do.

Besides, people are starting to show up at these gigs.

I mean, this vampire thing might even help us.

- Can you wash your hands? - I did.

Again?

This is the Rockin' Roger Morning Show, late-night edition.

Right now, I'd like to thank our sponsors:

Sex, drugs and rock and roll.

Me likey.

♪ She almost left town yesterday

♪ She had everything she would say

♪ About all the things I've done wrong

♪ How they just made her strong

♪ I almost killed you last night She said

♪ I almost killed you last night Dead

♪ I almost ended your life

♪ It was so close it hurts

♪ So close it hurts

♪ She always stood up for herself

♪ She'd never been anywhere else

♪ Everybody told her to leave

♪ But somehow no one believed

♪ And she said

♪ I almost killed you last night She said...

So, what took you guys so long tonight?

We loaded the gear and then Hugo wanted to stop for tacos.

- Tacos? - Tacos.

- Tacos. - Yep.

So you didn't eat anyone, then?

- No. - You sure?

- I did not eat anyone. - All right. Good.

Does Victor know we're coming?

If he knew, he'd say come back when we have money.

What makes you think he's not gonna say that anyways?

I'm trying to avoid thinking at this point.

Joey...

...I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too, OK?

Tyler says you got a new song.

Yeah.

- You sure you didn't eat anyone? - For Christ's sake!

I'm just asking.

Maybe when we get to Victor's, we'll try your song.

Mine's a...

Mine sucks.

OK, cool.

But I'm still the leader of the band.

Aye-aye, captain.

♪ So close it hurts ♪

- It doesn't look like anyone's home. - He's always home.

Joey Winner.

- Hi, Victor. - You bring money?

Uh, yeah. Um...

We just did one song, and I thought we'd split the publishing 50/50.

Oh, yeah. Fifty per cent of nothing.

[laughs]

Who the fuck are you?

That's... that's Sam. He's our new drummer.

- You a cop? - No. I... I like your records.

Oh, yeah? Blow me.

[laughs]

Get outta here. Relax, man! It's a joke. It's a joke!

- What did you do? - Nothing.

This is a recording studio? And what is with that computer?

Is that a Commodore 64? My cellphone has more memory than that piece of shit.

What?

- Oh! You OK, man? - Yes, I am OK.

Hugo is always OK.

Fix that shit, pack that gear,

- hide all those... - [Joey] Hugo.

Don't worry about Hugo.

All right, let's power this baby up.

Wow.

It's alive.

- What's the song called? - I Was A Fool.

You were, baby.

We're rollin'!

♪ I was a fool

♪ And I believed

♪ There was nothing

♪ Left for me

♪ Like every fool

♪ I couldn't see

♪ The wondrous beauty

♪ For the beast

♪ I was a fool

♪ I was a fool

♪ And I believed

♪ There was no one there for me

♪ I guess that it's true

♪ There cannot be

♪ One as blind as one will not see

♪ I was a fool

♪ I was a fool

♪ And I believed

♪ The reason stars

♪ Come out at night

♪ The reason birds

♪ Fly in the sky

♪ ls the reason you

♪ And the reason I

♪ Can dream

♪ I dream ♪

So how long has she been a bloodsucker?

Uh, what?

You know, Québécois Nosferatu.

A vampire, dill weed. How long?

- How did you, um...? - I've been around, son.

About a week.

- Are you sleeping with one eye open? - It's not like that.

Dude, let me tell you what I've learned in my many, many travels.

Always use a condom, and never trust a goddamn vampire.

Yeah, it's actually been going really good for me.

The audiences are responding for a change.

They don't give a shit about your band.

They're there for the freak show.

You got a vampire on the stage, you idiot.

This'll end bad for you.

- Come on. - No!

Do you have any idea how much shit I'd get in?

- Who's gonna know? - Tyler!

- I always share with you. - This is a little different.

When do I ask you for anything?

Please?

Look, it's just till New York.

- What happens in New York? - CMJ.

- So? - So I got a showcase gig

with a lot of industry insiders and A&R guys.

Jeff set this whole thing up.

First of all, Jeff is a weasel.

And, dude, bein' famous ain't all it's cracked up to be.

You can't go to a movie, can't go to a bar,

cops arrest you, ask for your autograph.

- It's bullshit. - It's not about being famous.

Then what's it about?

I don't know.

You don't know, but you're ready to go to hell for it.

This tour's my last chance. I'm not giving up.

You don't have to give up. Just kick the vampire out of the band.

But she's helping us, not hurting us.

Maybe it ain't worth it.

Well, what do you want me to say?

That I'm a hack? That without my vampire no one would give a shit?

Fine, I'm a hack. You know? But this hack has a hot band right now.

Remember what that felt like? It's been a while,

but it feels a lot better than dismal failure.

[sighs]

You're not a hack.

- Thanks. - You're a poser,

wanker, dick.

Now, take your vampire and go.

What, you're kicking me out?

You got your song. Studio's closed.

- Thanks. - Forever.

All right.

- What? - You look different.

Oh, yeah? When are you noticing what I look like? Maybe I'm just tired.

Maybe you need to recharge. You want a sandwich?

No, no. I'm not hungry.

- When was the last time you ate? - What are you, my mom?

- Feedl - [yells]

- What? - Nothing.

[yells]

- What? - Nothing.

[♪ David Bowie: Here Comes the Night]

♪ Here comes the night

♪ Here it comes

♪ Here comes the night

♪ Yeah, here comes the night

- ♪ Oh, yeah - ♪ Here comes the night...

- You're so beautiful! - Thanks. Excuse me.

Wait.

I have magic pills. Take them.

It's OK. It's really not my thing.

Please! These are my eyes!

[sighs] OK.

Now, get out of here before I bite your face off.

So beautiful!

You're so beautiful!

[whimpers]

You look pale.

No, it's... I'm nervous. That's all.

You're nervous.

- Mm-hm. - Uh-huh.

- And nervous makes you pale? - Yeah.

- I see. - Joey, Jeff is here.

- What? Where? - In the club.

Susan is here also, I think. I think they might be here together.

Bullshit.

Yes, I'm Hugo the liar.

This is what I do with my time,

because I don't have enough shit to do around here with the gear and the car

- that never works and the bodies... - All right!

I just had some cow.

- Speaking of which, Susan's here. - Yeah, I heard.

Hugo, do you have a pick?

I gave it to you already.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Joey! How's it goin'?

Super. You guys just in the neighbourhood, or...?

We're not sleeping together, if that's what you mean.

No, that's not what I meant, but wow.

- Yeah, we're just buds. - Terrific.

- Bullshit. We're all grown-ups here. - Yeah, we are.

I'm glad you feel that way about it, 'cause guess what?

- What? - I got you a one-hour interview

on the Rockin' Roger Show tomorrow morning.

- Oh, yeah? - You guys are blowing up, man.

- And you're sleeping with Susan. - Not if that bothers you.

- Yeah, it really does. - OK.

- We're done. - What?!

Well, screw you!

Not any more, man. See, all your dreams are comin' true.

So it's really nice to be back here in... Pennsylvania!

- You OK? - Yeah, I got a headache.

Jeff got us on Rockin' Roger tomorrow morning.

Amazing!

Hugo, do we have any aspirin?

We are out.

- I have been in much pain. - Great.

Hugo...

What do you call this?

- Wait! - What?

Nothing!

You are listening to KCUS, and if it's good,

it must be Rockin' Roger... [deep voice] ..on the radio.

[♪ This is Your Brain on Drugs]

♪ It's really nice to hear your voice again

♪ It's really nice to hear you breathe

♪ I can't take it for another minute

♪ When you're down on your knees

♪ This is your brain

♪ This is your brain

♪ This is your brain on drugs

♪ It's really nice of you to fuck me over

♪ It's really nice of you to leave

♪ I can't take it with a spoon of sugar

♪ When you're down on your knees, yeah

♪ This is your brain

♪ This is your brain

♪ This is your brain on drugs ♪

You treacherous bitch.

- Take it down a couple of notches. - And you. You take Sam down with you?

- Sam's a big boy. - I don't need people

- to make my decisions for me. - Yeah, you do! You're a drummer!

- It was a mistake. - Mistake. You broke rule number one!

Why not me? Why not Hugo?

- Can you undo it? - No.

That's great. That's just perfect.

How come they're not sick in the sun?

- We didn't feed. - Feed? Feed?

- I'm sorry. - Look, cow blood, Joey.

- I swear, man, that's all I'm after. - Shut up!

Say what you want, the audience dug the vampire shit.

- Totally. - They...? That's great. Totally.

[banging on door]

No! There's something bad on the other side of that door.

No. All the bad's in here with me.

Let's go now.

[coughs]

What the hell?

- Where's the rest of the band? - They just left.

Listen, you little punk.

You tell your friends that I'm onto them.

You tell 'em that Eddie is coming after them.

Sure thing, Eddie. Got it.

Eddie. Eddie!

Thanks for nothing, Hugo.

He was scary!

- You're supposed to watch the door. - I know. I'm supposed to do everything.

This is Rockin' Roger on The Rockin' Roger Morning Show,

and I am sitting here with The Winners.

Now, what kind of name is that, anyway?

Uh, it's ironic.

Whoa! Big word. Pace yourself, Einstein.

Try to breathe. Now, you all have been around for a while,

and I've heard there's quite a bit of hype around your show at the festival.

Yes. We're very excited about it.

I can tell. It's coming off you in waves.

Now, I've been lookin' at you and I been thinking to myself,

"Rockin' Roger, this group looks neat."

That's the word I'd use. You look neat.

And for all you people out there in radioland, this band is the real deal.

They've got that whole sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll look down.

Son, are you wearing pancake,

or are you actually that pale?

He looks like a statue.

- What? - Wow! All that and brains, too, huh?

You all just released a single. What is it?

- It's called Suck. - I've heard it. It does.

Oh! Rockin' Roger on the radio comin' right to you live!

Did you just say our song sucked on the radio?

No! I said it on television.

- We've hidden the cameras. - What cameras?

Kids, you all have to lay off the drugs, OK?

This is not rocket science, what we're doin' here.

They're only questions. And like my mama used to say,

"It's only rock 'n' roll, but I like it!"

- Say it again. - Say what?

- Hey. Be cool. - No, no.

Do something you're good at.

Like sucking! Ooh!

Gotcha two times, Rockin' Roger!

And what's up with the make-up, anyway?

We're not wearing make-up, asshole. [deep voice] We're vampires.

[heavy rock music]

[screamlng on radio]

[Joey] You assholes You just ate the only guy playing our record.

- That was amazing! - What?

That was hilarious!

Every rock station in the country has picked up the single.

Every label in the country is coming to the show.

- Really? - Yeah, you guys are gonna be famous.

This is, like, the most famous radio stunt since Orson Welles.

Jeff, it wasn't a stunt. OK?

Who cares, man? It doesn't matter. We're still gonna be rich!

Hugo, would you please check the website?

- We did get some hits. - We got some hits?

- How many hits did we get, Hugo? - 1,604,000.

Yes, 1,604,000!

Jeff, they killed Rockin' Roger on air.

We're all goin' to jail.

Hey, Joey, why don't you let me worry about that, OK?

Why don't you guys just get ready to rock?

[phone rlngs]

OK, I gotta take this. But if anyone asks you what happened to Rockin' Roger,

you just tell them we cannot comment at this time. All right?

We'll just keep it rollin' that way. Just keep rollin'. This is all good. OK.

Konnlchlwa. Uh-huh.

- Did he just say we're gonna be famous? - Yes.

I gotta go call my mom.

[♪ The Moog: You Raised a Vampire]

♪ You raised a vampire

♪ You raised a vampire

♪ You raised a vampire

♪ You raised a vampire

♪ Ohi Ohi Ohi

♪ You raised a vampire

♪ You raised a vampire

♪ Ohi Ohi Ohi ♪

What's with the flashlight?

I don't like talking about it.

I'm afraid of the dark.

Cool. I'm afraid of confined spaces and water fountains.

Yeah.

Um...

- Will you let me in? - Yeah. Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Great.

- Nice talkin' to ya. - Yeah.

- It's very confined in there. Yeah. - All right.

- How much time? - Five minutes.

You can't go on like that.

You... I know what you are. You're a goddamn vampire.

- You say that like it's a bad thing. - You did this.

- All this is because of you. - I did nothing.

I was working the bar that night.

You're the one that let your girlfriend go home with a vampire.

- She's my ex-girlfriend, OK? - I can read your mind, remember?

- Piss off. - What are you so angry about?

You got your industry inside showcase gig.

You seem to be the only one that's not enjoying it.

It's complicated.

Hey, all you have to do is live your dream.

Go rock and roll. Go kick some ass.

- I will. I'm just, uh... - Scared.

Yeah. I'm scared, all right? You happy?

I am not happy. I am vampire.

I'm only happy when something dies.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Look, the band goes on with you or without you, Joey.

Vampires are ultimately cool.

- It's my band! - It was your band.

Now you have to make a decision.

You can take that road to obscurity,

or you can join us

and never be afraid of anything else ever again.

I want to join the band.

Uh...

- It's your band. - No.

I wanna join the band.

- What? No. - Just do it.

- No, I won't. - Do it!

- No! - I need it.

- You don't know what you're asking. - I'm asking you to help me.

- I don't want you to do it. - Yeah, you do.

I'm sorry.

♪ She's a nightmare

♪ You know, a devil may care

♪ She's a nowhere I wanna be infidelity

♪ Taste that bite The girl's all right

- ♪ She sucks - ♪ All night

♪ All night

♪ All night

♪ Looks in the mirror She's outta sight, all right

♪ She's a bad girl

- ♪ She's a bad, bad girl - Oh, my God.

♪ She's a whole world unto herself

♪ Bad for your health

♪ Taste that bite The girl's all right...

Get that guy! He's selling drugs!

What? Hey, man, come on, man! You don't understand! Wait a minute!

♪ Looks in the mirror She's outta sight, all right ♪

- [deep voice] We rocked! - [deep voice] Yeah.

[deep voice] Yeah. Felt good, didn't it, Joey?

Yeah. It felt pretty...

- You OK? - Try some groupie!

- I need some air. - You just need to feed. Trust me.

Excuse me one second.

Joey.

That was quite the performance.

Hey, man, you should've told me you were coming.

I would've put you on the list or something.

Yeah, right. So how does it feel?

Feels good, yeah. Jeff says we're gonna be huge.

Mm.

- No one likes a judge. - Hey, I didn't say anything.

I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Yeah, well, good. Now you saw.

- Are you OK? - [deep voice] Don't touch me!

Whoa, take it easy.

Sorry, man. I'm sorry. I'm...

- I'm not feelin' good, you know? - You're a big rock star

with a big problem now. How cliché.

You should just leave me alone.

I told you this would happen. You wouldn't listen.

- Just go. - Or what, vampire boy?

- You gonna eat...? - Leave me alone!

Wanker.

Oh, sh...

Oh, shit! I'm sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Hey, great show, guys.

Hey, where's... where's Joey?

Oh, hey! You're still with us. How's it going?

Hey, I'm Jeff. I manage the band.

Looks like someone's been drinking.

I killed Victor.

- You did what? - I didn't mean to.

- Itjust happened. - [Tyler] It's an accident.

What happens on the road stays on the road.

- I killed him. - It's OK. It's not your fault.

How am I gonna look at myself in the mirror again?

- You can't. You're a vampire. - Yeah, you just gotta suck it up.

Hey, I understand.

You're feelin' blue about eating a dude.

But it's no reason to ruin everybody's night, Joey.

[Tyler] Jeff's right. We're vampires. Shit happens.

- [Sam] You'll get used to it. - [Jennifer] Sorry. I tried to warn you.

[Jeff] Look on the bright side. You're gonna be a star,

and if you want, you can dedicate the album to the memory of Victor.

And as I understand it, rock and roll never dies.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you might wanna stand back a little bit.

[Jeff] I swear to God I know her from somewhere.

♪ Here comes success

♪ Here comes success

♪ Over my hill

♪ Over my hill

♪ Here comes success

♪ Here comes success

♪ Here comes my car ♪

- Don't sit there and be mad. - I'm not mad.

I don't care any more.

So I killed a friend of the family.

Big deal. I'm an addict.

You gonna make me feel guilty about it all night?

OK, Jen, we need to talk, OK?

- Oh. Sounds heavy. - It's kinda heavy.

What if I told you it didn't have to be like this?

Like what?

What if I told you we could be human again?

Don't start with that shit. We can't. We're dead.

Jen, be cool.

This is Eddie Van Helsig. He's a doctor.

Are you crazy? He's a vampire hunter!

- Would you just hear him out? - I can make you human again.

You kill vampires.

Well, I'm offering them

the same choice as I'm offering you.

The one who made you, the queen vampire?

It's his evil that runs through your veins.

When he dies, so, too, his evil virus dies within him.

No. He's too powerful.

Don't worry. I can kill him.

I just need you to distract him until the dawn breaks.

You're so bumming me out right now.

Jen.

There's a reason we can't see our reflections, OK?

We're turning into monsters.

Is that what you see when you look at me? A monster?

No, but I don't see you any more.

If we're gonna do this...

...I want a commitment.

I want things to be different.

I will put us first before everything else from now on, I promise.

- Garbage? - I'll take it out.

- Toilet seat? - Down.

Sex?

From now on, you come first in everything.

OK. Let's kill the fucker.

♪ Please allow me to introduce myself

♪ l'm a man of wealth and taste

♪ l've been around for a long, long year

♪ Stole many a man's soul and faith ♪

- I don't know about this. - Listen, we have no choice, OK?

- Either way, we're dead. - We always have a choice.

Maybe, seeing as I have no power, I could wait in the car?

I started this. I'm finishing it.

What the hell are you guys doing?

The sun will be up soon.

Hey. Well,

we took this from a homeless guy.

And filled it with his blood. You want a drink?

Come in.

This is good. Was he Italian?

He didn't scream with an accent.

You guys cool?

- Yeah, we're good. - Fine.

- How's the new record coming? - Good, good.

Well, it's... Tyler ate the engineer.

He was a dick.

What brings you around here?

We were just in the neighbourhood, and we noticed how early it was getting.

- We were hoping... - You need a place to crash?

If it's no trouble.

Ml casa su casa.

- Thanks. - Really nice of you.

- I don't know Spanish. - Nice place.

Hey. You wanna hear a cool song?

Sure.

I wrote it, like, a hundred years ago,

and I just figured out the middle eight.

You guys are acting funny.

I'm sensing something.

- No, just listening to the music. - Yeah, it's a great song.

- It's good. - Hundred years ago?

- That's way ahead of its time. - Holds up.

I have to make a pee.

[growls]

Good for you.

- What's wrong with him? - He's not feeling well.

- We're all going to die. - Hugo...

Let him speak.

I'm... Sorry. Too scared. Can't speak.

What's he got to be scared about?

What's going on?

He's French-Canadian.

That's for giving me a dirty needle.

[deep sing-song voice] You missed my heart.

I'm on your team.

This is how you repay me.

I gave you immortality.

I gave you a record deal.

- You killed our drummer! - Drummers die.

But you...

Did you really think you could kill me?

You're a joke, a mere distraction.

That's all we were supposed to be, asshole.

It's over.

Van Helsig.

You killed her.

Who? I kill a lot of people.

You killed...

...the most beautiful thing in the whole world.

Did I?

One thing's for sure: I'm going to kill you.

I'm not afraid of evil any longer.

I will have vengeance.

[Queeny] No, Eddie, you can't.

I didn't kill her.

You're a liar!

- [gunshot] - [Hugo yells]

My leg! You shot Hugo, you bastard!

[Queeny] I didn't kill her, Eddie.

I just freed her from you.

- [gunshot] - [Hugo yells]

- Why Hugo? - Man, I'm sorry. I...

- I'm sorry, man. - [Queeny] She's alive.

Well, I guess technically she's dead.

But she's dominating the charts over in Japan.

Has been for 30 years.

- [gunshot] - [Hugo] Goddamn dick!

Don't fire if you can't see!

It's true, Eddie.

Danielle?

You're alive?

And you're dead!

[heavy metal music]

- [groaning] - [Tyler] Oh, shit!

- Mother...! - Christ!

[Jennifer] What's happening?

You're returning to what you were before, out-of-work musicians.

You better hold still. It's gonna hurt.

Eddie?

I don't feel good.

Oh.

Oh, yes, you do.

- Jennifer? - Yeah?

I'm sorry I called you a monster.

That's OK.

You also called her a treacherous bitch.

- Hugo. - Can we talk about this later?

Yep, yep. Agh! Jesus Christ!

♪ And it brings back And it brings back

♪ Those old emotions ♪

- Did you have fun? - Yeah, yeah.

Your mother's a very competent charades player.

Yeah, she sure is.

It's great that we get to see them so much more often now.

Yeah, it is. It's nice. Everything's nice.

Do you... do you ever miss it?

I... I don't miss being sick in the sunlight.

No, I meant playing in a band. Music?

Yeah. Sometimes.

- Screw it. We're better off. - Way better off.

You ever look into those pottery classes?

[thud]

- What's that? - We got a flat.

Pull over.

Great.

What is it?

Nothing. I just, uh...

I'll get the jack.

Oh, shit! There's no spare.

- No. - Can I be of some assistance?

- Nice outfits. - Hey, we got a flat tyre.

Yes, I see.

We don't have a spare. Any way you can give us a ride?

- Well, of course. - Jen! No.

Where's your car?

I have other means of transportation.

Tell me I'm dreaming.

Welcome to my nightmare:

Charades, matching sweaters, pottery class.

No, this is over. We killed the queen vampire.

No, you killed a 300-year-old vampire named Queeny.

I'm from a much older breed. What you kids call "old school".

- Are you gonna kill us? - Totally.

- Just let her go, OK? - Relax, Romeo.

I'm just here to set you free, again.

Hey, let's put the old band back together.

We're gonna need a new drummer.

I know just the guy.

- Wait a second. - Come on.

♪ L'm your lover

♪ l'm your brother

♪ l'm your killer

♪ l'm your friend

♪ l'm your teacher

♪ l'm your preacher

♪ l'm the reaper in the end...

It's over!

[man] Is that better?

I just fancy breaking out into song, you know, right here, right now.

Why I'm the only one who don't get a song?

[man] Ready, and...

- ..frame. - [sings] It's over!

Action.

It's over.

♪ L'm the reaper in the end

♪ Along came a spider

♪ Crept up beside her

♪ Spun his web deep lnside her

♪ My darkness will guide her

♪ I am the spider

♪ I am the spider

♪ I am the spider

♪ I am the spider

♪ You're my sinner

♪ You're my dinner

♪ My llttle puppet

♪ Let's pretend

♪ You're the cure to my affliction

♪ My addiction till the end

♪ Along came a spider

♪ Crept up beside her

♪ Spun his web deep inside her

♪ My darkness will guide her

♪ I am the spider

♪ I am the spider

♪ I am the spider

♪ I am the spider

♪ I was born to this

♪ Not something to strive for

♪ Not something to even admire

♪ Unless, of course

♪ It's done with the greatest of taste

♪ Conviction and expertise

♪ I am the spider

♪ Along came a spider

♪ Crept up beside her

♪ Spun his web deep inside her

♪ My darkness will guide her

♪ I am the spider

♪ I am the spider

♪ I am the spider

♪ I am the spider ♪

[♪ Going Nowhere]

♪ Don't know how to begin

♪ Open road is closing ln

♪ We're getting far from where we've been

♪ And where we're going

♪ And where we going anyway?

♪ Don't know how to explain

♪ Open road, expecting rain

♪ We're getting far from where we came

♪ And where we're going

♪ And where we going anyway?

- ♪ Going nowhere - ♪ Going nowhere

♪ Coming down

- ♪ Going nowhere - ♪ Going nowhere

♪ Coming down

♪ You ain't going nowhere

♪ Ain't going nowhere any day

- ♪ Going nowhere - ♪ Going nowhere

♪ Coming down

- ♪ Going nowhere - ♪ Going nowhere

♪ Coming down

- ♪ Going nowhere - ♪ Going nowhere

♪ Coming down

- ♪ Going nowhere - ♪ Going nowhere

♪ Coming down

♪ l'm coming down

♪ 'Cause I'm going nowhere

♪ Coming down

♪ 'Cause I'm going nowhere

♪ l'm coming down

♪ 'Cause I'm going nowhere

♪ l'm coming down ♪

Retailrip and sync by: RuBricK www.NorSub.com