Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:01,511 --> 00:01:03,342
He was neurotic.
High-strung.
2
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,942
He seemed lost.
3
00:01:14,290 --> 00:01:17,589
If l remember correctly,
it began a year ago.
4
00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:21,327
Good morning, sir.
Police.
5
00:01:21,397 --> 00:01:24,264
Detective Gaffier.
Are you Michel Blanc?
6
00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:27,599
- Yeah, that's me. Why?
- We need to talk.
7
00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:29,763
You woke me up.
What is it?
8
00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:32,330
Can we come in?
9
00:01:32,408 --> 00:01:34,342
Sure, come in.
10
00:01:38,248 --> 00:01:39,613
Is that Josiane Balasko?
11
00:01:40,784 --> 00:01:43,947
Good actress.
I hear she's a dyke.
12
00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:46,818
Not at all.
13
00:01:46,890 --> 00:01:49,757
My brother-in-law
in the Vice Squad says so.
14
00:01:49,826 --> 00:01:51,350
That's Dutronc!
15
00:01:51,427 --> 00:01:55,488
A taxi driver claims
you didn't pay him.
16
00:01:55,565 --> 00:02:00,161
You wanted to score a whore
before a guest spot on TV.
17
00:02:00,236 --> 00:02:03,933
He found you one and waited,
but you never came back.
18
00:02:04,007 --> 00:02:05,941
That's ridiculous.
19
00:02:06,009 --> 00:02:10,241
We thought you were a fag
ever since you played a drag queen.
20
00:02:10,313 --> 00:02:12,543
What movie was it?
Menage.
21
00:02:12,615 --> 00:02:14,276
Listen ...
22
00:02:14,350 --> 00:02:15,942
I didn't't take a taxi.
23
00:02:16,019 --> 00:02:19,011
Yesterday l was in bed
writing for Carole Bouquet.
24
00:02:19,088 --> 00:02:20,612
- With her?
- Alone.
25
00:02:20,690 --> 00:02:24,956
I haven't done whores since '77.
So you're mistaken.
26
00:02:40,877 --> 00:02:42,310
Michel?
27
00:02:55,325 --> 00:02:56,986
Mr. Blanc, may I help you?
28
00:02:57,060 --> 00:02:58,857
You have a suite for me.
29
00:02:58,928 --> 00:03:00,896
Let me have a look.
30
00:03:00,964 --> 00:03:02,829
One second, please.
31
00:03:02,899 --> 00:03:06,062
Can I have an autograph?
Make it out to “Pooh Bear.”
32
00:03:07,136 --> 00:03:09,696
I'm sorry,
but you're not listed.
33
00:03:09,772 --> 00:03:12,832
- What the hell?
- I'm very sorry.
34
00:03:12,909 --> 00:03:15,275
Can I have another?
For Fifi.
35
00:03:15,345 --> 00:03:17,609
Call the Festival.
It's their problem.
36
00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,511
How about a picture?
37
00:03:19,582 --> 00:03:21,106
Go get Gilles Jacob.
38
00:03:21,184 --> 00:03:22,708
Fifi's turn.
39
00:03:22,785 --> 00:03:25,515
Stop busting my balls!
Beat it!
40
00:03:25,588 --> 00:03:28,386
Asshole.
I'll stop watching you on TV.
41
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:31,018
Come on,
there are plenty of others.
42
00:03:31,094 --> 00:03:34,825
- Mr.Jacob, there's a problem.
- Bad timing.
43
00:03:34,898 --> 00:03:37,765
Michel,
I thought you couldn't come.
44
00:03:37,834 --> 00:03:40,200
- Who said so?
- Your agent. Last week.
45
00:03:40,270 --> 00:03:43,797
- This is insane!
- He said you weren't free.
46
00:03:43,873 --> 00:03:46,865
What do I do now?
Sleep on the beach?
47
00:03:46,943 --> 00:03:48,774
I assume you're booked?
48
00:03:48,845 --> 00:03:51,473
Mr. Depardieu
went wine-tasting in Bulgaria...
49
00:03:51,547 --> 00:03:53,640
but he left his clothes here.
50
00:03:53,716 --> 00:03:56,048
- Then give me his suite.
- It's rather delicate.
51
00:03:56,119 --> 00:03:57,916
Why? Gerard wouldn't care!
52
00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:59,545
If Mr.Jacob...
53
00:03:59,622 --> 00:04:02,182
We have no choice.
I'll see you later.
54
00:04:02,258 --> 00:04:03,782
Yeah, later...
55
00:04:07,397 --> 00:04:10,423
Change the sheets.
With Depardieu, you never know.
56
00:04:18,908 --> 00:04:20,603
And her room number?
57
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:22,110
Okay.
58
00:04:24,380 --> 00:04:26,143
Uncork it.
59
00:04:33,089 --> 00:04:34,920
I signed Depardieu.
He knows.
60
00:04:34,991 --> 00:04:36,481
Very good, sir.
61
00:04:40,229 --> 00:04:42,094
Hello, Mathilda?
62
00:04:42,165 --> 00:04:43,860
Michel Blanc here.
63
00:04:43,933 --> 00:04:45,764
What's up?
64
00:04:45,835 --> 00:04:47,769
I just got in.
65
00:04:47,837 --> 00:04:49,702
You're all alone?
66
00:04:49,772 --> 00:04:51,706
Are you busy?
67
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:56,376
I'd like to discuss
my new screenplay with you.
68
00:04:56,446 --> 00:04:59,711
I'm in the middle of writing it.
69
00:04:59,782 --> 00:05:01,773
I'll be right there.
70
00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:05,949
What are you doing?
71
00:05:06,022 --> 00:05:07,990
Michel Blanc
is fucking Mathilda May.
72
00:05:08,057 --> 00:05:09,718
You're sick!
73
00:05:09,792 --> 00:05:11,919
You know I'm seeing someone!
74
00:05:11,995 --> 00:05:15,021
- You can still relax.
- I relax with him.
75
00:05:15,098 --> 00:05:17,532
He's not here.
Are you frigid?
76
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:18,965
Stop!
77
00:05:20,436 --> 00:05:23,234
Listen...
don't get upset.
78
00:05:23,306 --> 00:05:25,331
You never turned me on.
79
00:05:26,776 --> 00:05:29,745
You're pretty weird.
Your loss.
80
00:05:32,949 --> 00:05:34,041
Michel!
81
00:05:34,117 --> 00:05:37,314
How are you?
I didn't't know you were in Cannes.
82
00:05:37,387 --> 00:05:39,787
I have a screenplay for you.
83
00:05:39,856 --> 00:05:41,847
Do you have a minute?
84
00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:43,721
- Now?
- It's urgent.
85
00:05:43,793 --> 00:05:46,284
Hi, Michel. How are you?
86
00:05:46,362 --> 00:05:48,296
You're here too?
87
00:05:48,364 --> 00:05:50,298
I don't want to bother you.
88
00:05:50,366 --> 00:05:51,856
You're no bother.
89
00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:54,334
My timing's off.
I'll come back.
90
00:05:56,906 --> 00:05:58,635
- Don't touch me.
- Are you sure?
91
00:05:58,708 --> 00:06:00,676
Positive. Stop it!
92
00:06:00,743 --> 00:06:02,711
Or you'll slap me?
93
00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:05,009
Stop!
94
00:06:05,081 --> 00:06:08,539
You've let me down, kid.
That was low.
95
00:06:09,719 --> 00:06:12,017
You've never acted this way.
96
00:06:13,389 --> 00:06:15,721
I'm going through
a minor depression.
97
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:16,986
I'm lonely.
98
00:06:17,727 --> 00:06:20,161
When I wake up,
I feel like crying.
99
00:06:21,264 --> 00:06:23,789
As I was staring at my balcony...
100
00:06:23,866 --> 00:06:26,426
I thought I should jump.
101
00:06:26,502 --> 00:06:29,471
If I'm lucky,
I'll land on a Rolls Royce.
102
00:06:29,539 --> 00:06:31,837
I've always liked English cars.
103
00:06:32,608 --> 00:06:34,473
You have no girlfriend?
104
00:06:34,544 --> 00:06:37,945
She left me for Patrick Bruel.
105
00:06:38,014 --> 00:06:39,641
I didn't't know.
106
00:06:40,550 --> 00:06:42,745
I'm sorry l slapped you.
107
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:45,344
Forget about it.
108
00:06:45,421 --> 00:06:49,448
I have a lump in my throat.
Do you have any champagne?
109
00:06:49,525 --> 00:06:52,153
A few Valium
and I'll feel better.
110
00:06:52,228 --> 00:06:54,093
I'll go look.
111
00:07:00,703 --> 00:07:02,330
I have half-bottles.
112
00:07:02,405 --> 00:07:04,339
Fine. Give me two.
113
00:07:13,649 --> 00:07:16,641
The winners will go home with...
114
00:07:16,719 --> 00:07:21,122
Miss Festival's breasts' weight
in Videocassettes!
115
00:07:24,093 --> 00:07:26,323
There's more!
116
00:07:26,395 --> 00:07:29,592
The cassettes are signed
by Michel Blanc!
117
00:07:34,170 --> 00:07:38,163
It's time to ask Michel Blanc...
118
00:07:38,241 --> 00:07:41,335
to come on stage with his verdict.
119
00:07:41,410 --> 00:07:43,776
A warm round of applause!
120
00:07:54,790 --> 00:07:57,554
Quiet or this will take forever.
121
00:07:57,627 --> 00:07:59,492
I'll go backwards.
122
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,757
Last runner-up: Nadine.
123
00:08:07,036 --> 00:08:09,470
20,000 in cash.
Count it.
124
00:08:09,539 --> 00:08:11,473
How about my dinner?
125
00:08:11,541 --> 00:08:12,803
You were late.
126
00:08:12,875 --> 00:08:16,504
I ate at the Carlton.
Can you reimburse me?
127
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,377
500 francs?
128
00:08:19,448 --> 00:08:23,111
It cost more.
The Carlton is pricey.
129
00:08:23,185 --> 00:08:25,653
But if that's all you can do...
130
00:08:28,624 --> 00:08:31,616
I love it.
How can I thank you?
131
00:08:31,694 --> 00:08:34,527
If you have a second,
we'll find a way, Karine.
132
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:37,259
It's Karine, right?
133
00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:39,733
- Where is it?
- Not far. You'll see.
134
00:08:39,802 --> 00:08:42,362
You wanna be in pictures?
135
00:08:42,438 --> 00:08:44,929
He sent me a script.
It wasn't bad.
136
00:08:45,007 --> 00:08:48,499
Then Emmanuelle Beart said
he'd given her the role.
137
00:08:48,578 --> 00:08:52,344
I wanted to see Michel
and discuss it ... calmly.
138
00:09:02,058 --> 00:09:05,323
Dirty bastard!
I'll blast your brains out!
139
00:09:14,036 --> 00:09:16,027
- Cut!
Clapper.
140
00:09:16,105 --> 00:09:19,006
- Perfect, Carole.
- Thank you.
141
00:09:19,075 --> 00:09:21,339
See you tomorrow.
142
00:09:21,410 --> 00:09:23,640
The gun!
143
00:09:23,713 --> 00:09:26,273
- How are you?
- That depends.
144
00:09:26,349 --> 00:09:28,943
Drive me home.
We'll talk on the way.
145
00:09:33,189 --> 00:09:35,555
I have to ask you something.
146
00:09:35,625 --> 00:09:38,719
Did you offer the role
only to me?
147
00:09:38,794 --> 00:09:40,785
Of course. Why?
148
00:09:40,863 --> 00:09:44,822
Emmanuelle Beart claims
you offered it to her at Cannes.
149
00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:47,562
At Cannes?
I didn't't go this year.
150
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,690
You recognize me?
151
00:10:16,065 --> 00:10:18,090
No, I'm sorry.
152
00:10:18,167 --> 00:10:20,727
Last week ... Chez Denise.
153
00:10:20,803 --> 00:10:22,134
Get my drift?
154
00:10:22,204 --> 00:10:25,731
Not at all.
I don't know Denise.
155
00:10:25,808 --> 00:10:28,504
The kinky night spot.
Nearby.
156
00:10:29,412 --> 00:10:32,006
My wife is Kathy.
The blue G-string.
157
00:10:33,849 --> 00:10:36,079
That doesn't ring a bell.
158
00:10:36,152 --> 00:10:37,676
Aren't you Michel Blanc?
159
00:10:37,753 --> 00:10:39,380
Yes, but you're mistaken.
160
00:10:39,455 --> 00:10:42,083
Now l get it.
161
00:10:42,158 --> 00:10:45,127
After the orgy,
it's the cold shoulder.
162
00:10:46,662 --> 00:10:49,529
The next time,
even if it's Mickey Rourke ...
163
00:10:49,598 --> 00:10:52,567
he won't fuck my wife!
164
00:10:54,537 --> 00:10:57,563
I never saw him.
I'm sorry, Carole.
165
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:02,077
Relax, Michel. I'm discreet.
I won't tell a soul.
166
00:11:03,245 --> 00:11:05,110
I don't go to those places.
167
00:11:06,215 --> 00:11:09,378
It's your private life.
Take a right.
168
00:11:19,328 --> 00:11:20,761
Good-bye.
169
00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:28,664
Finish your screenplay
and forget those seedy night spots.
170
00:11:28,738 --> 00:11:30,399
Seriously, Carole ...
171
00:11:30,473 --> 00:11:32,668
Relax. I was just kidding.
172
00:11:34,043 --> 00:11:35,772
He called at 2:00 am
173
00:11:35,845 --> 00:11:39,303
Not about Carole.
174
00:11:39,381 --> 00:11:41,872
He said: “Let's go to Regine's
and have a drink."
175
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:47,214
I felt something was fishy.
176
00:12:04,039 --> 00:12:05,529
You again.
177
00:12:05,608 --> 00:12:07,906
I said if you came back,
I'd clobber you.
178
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:09,467
Here you go.
179
00:12:10,279 --> 00:12:12,304
What the hell?
Are you crazy?
180
00:12:12,381 --> 00:12:14,542
- You're deranged.
- I warned you.
181
00:12:14,617 --> 00:12:16,778
I'll forget what l saw ...
182
00:12:16,852 --> 00:12:18,786
but steer clear of me.
183
00:12:20,689 --> 00:12:23,749
What is this? Camfidfamera?
184
00:12:28,130 --> 00:12:31,691
My son never tells me anything.
185
00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:33,341
You just don't listen.
186
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,580
Soon I guessed
something was wrong.
187
00:12:35,654 --> 00:12:37,554
I bet you did.
188
00:12:41,794 --> 00:12:45,525
I'm glad to see you.
I have to take a leak.
189
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:46,792
What is it, Dad?
190
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:49,494
- I brought the rabbit paté.
- What paté?
191
00:12:49,568 --> 00:12:52,366
What you asked Mom for.
Open up fast.
192
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:54,406
I never asked Mom for anything!
193
00:12:54,473 --> 00:12:56,532
Take the paté and shut up.
194
00:12:59,011 --> 00:13:01,309
What should I do with all this?
195
00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:04,645
What do you do with paté?
Deodorize toilets?
196
00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:06,514
I never eat here.
197
00:13:06,585 --> 00:13:09,645
You prefer wasting money
in restaurants.
198
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:12,452
Easy come, easy go.
199
00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:17,118
By the way ...
200
00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:19,630
you didn't fix the toilet yet.
201
00:13:19,698 --> 00:13:21,563
I forgot to call the plumber.
202
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,762
The plumber?
He'll ask for 500 francs!
203
00:13:24,837 --> 00:13:26,964
I'm too busy to do it myself.
204
00:13:27,039 --> 00:13:28,939
Where's the toolbox?
205
00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:32,239
I have a dinner tonight.
I'll do it tomorrow.
206
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:34,836
No, you won't.
Where's the toolbox?
207
00:13:34,914 --> 00:13:37,178
I don't have one.
Why should I?
208
00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:39,774
- To fix the toilet.
- Well, I don't.
209
00:13:39,852 --> 00:13:41,683
A fork will do.
210
00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:45,190
Unless you don't have any,
since you never eat here.
211
00:13:45,257 --> 00:13:48,693
Come on,
put the pate in the fridge.
212
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:56,033
When did I ask for this?
213
00:13:56,101 --> 00:13:57,830
Last week...
214
00:13:57,903 --> 00:14:00,633
when you bumped into her.
215
00:14:00,706 --> 00:14:03,402
You're losing your memory.
216
00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:06,606
Do you have a nutcracker?
217
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,239
Look in there.
218
00:14:09,315 --> 00:14:12,148
- Last week?
- Yeah, last week.
219
00:14:12,218 --> 00:14:14,379
You need some rest.
220
00:14:14,453 --> 00:14:17,854
Your mother said
you were acting funny.
221
00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:22,189
You didn't even recognize her.
She had to run after you.
222
00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:25,628
If you ask me,
you need a nice little lady.
223
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:28,792
Instead of trying to diddle
the entire Top 50.
224
00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:33,402
Pour me a glass of wine.
Make yourself useful.
225
00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:38,070
Something's fishy.
226
00:14:38,143 --> 00:14:39,735
Pretty fishy ...
227
00:14:40,579 --> 00:14:42,513
He was acting strange.
228
00:14:42,581 --> 00:14:44,412
He's awful when he writes.
229
00:14:44,483 --> 00:14:47,748
He mingles with people
he shouldn't mingle with.
230
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,583
He lives in nightclubs.
231
00:14:49,655 --> 00:14:52,180
It's typical,
so I didn't worry.
232
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:57,095
How's the screenplay?
233
00:14:57,162 --> 00:14:59,096
Same as the last time.
234
00:14:57,162 --> 00:14:59,687
You better not scrap this one.
235
00:15:02,768 --> 00:15:06,363
You haven't finished one
for over seven years.
236
00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:08,372
What's with the writer's block?
237
00:15:09,441 --> 00:15:12,171
My life is getting all screwy.
238
00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:15,941
When the shit hits the fan,
I'll get covered with it.
239
00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:19,473
You're spreading yourself too thin.
240
00:15:19,551 --> 00:15:24,011
You're well-paid to write.
Why emcee in nightclubs?
241
00:15:25,457 --> 00:15:26,719
Emcee?
242
00:15:26,792 --> 00:15:29,818
I don't care about losing my 10%.
243
00:15:29,895 --> 00:15:33,626
But it's really lousy for your image.
244
00:15:33,699 --> 00:15:35,826
I never emceed anything!
245
00:15:35,901 --> 00:15:38,927
- Someone saw you.
- What do you want?
246
00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:41,996
To throw me into a padded cell?
247
00:15:42,074 --> 00:15:45,339
- You're overreacting.
- Everything pisses me off!
248
00:15:45,411 --> 00:15:49,142
My father does!
Writing does! And so do you!
249
00:15:51,917 --> 00:15:53,942
Can I be frank, Michel?
250
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:57,147
You seem depressed.
Down in the dumps.
251
00:15:57,222 --> 00:15:59,281
He has too many offers.
252
00:15:59,358 --> 00:16:01,155
Don't start up again.
253
00:16:01,226 --> 00:16:03,524
Come work at my country house.
254
00:16:03,595 --> 00:16:05,995
You'll be totally free.
255
00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:08,295
It's calm.
There are no neighbors.
256
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:09,459
In the Sahara?
257
00:16:10,669 --> 00:16:13,365
No, Provence.
It's beautiful.
258
00:16:13,439 --> 00:16:14,736
I can't write there.
259
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,274
It will do you good.
260
00:16:16,342 --> 00:16:18,537
Carole's right.
Go for three months.
261
00:16:18,610 --> 00:16:21,408
- You'll finish the screenplay.
- Come on.
262
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:25,416
I'd forget how to speak.
I'd come back grunting.
263
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:28,578
Think it over.
I'd even rent you a TV.
264
00:16:29,588 --> 00:16:31,522
There's not even a TV?
265
00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:35,185
Relax. I was in a rut,
but I'm getting better.
266
00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:36,921
I can feel it.
267
00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:38,053
Let's go!
268
00:16:56,382 --> 00:16:58,907
What is it?
What do you want?
269
00:16:58,984 --> 00:17:00,713
Are you Michel Blanc?
270
00:17:00,786 --> 00:17:03,778
It's too early to say.
And you?
271
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,654
I'm with the Clown Squad.
Search!
272
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:24,709
I know a minister!
273
00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:30,411
What are the charges?
274
00:17:30,482 --> 00:17:32,416
I have no idea, goddamn it!
275
00:17:46,932 --> 00:17:50,698
You still claim
you left Carole Bouquet at 1:00 am.
276
00:17:51,670 --> 00:17:53,467
Then you went to sleep.
277
00:17:53,539 --> 00:17:55,803
I took two Valium
and went to bed.
278
00:17:55,874 --> 00:17:58,570
Mr. Blanc,
let me tell you a secret.
279
00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:01,613
I hate actors.
I dream of nailing one.
280
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,739
My dream is coming true.
281
00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:06,649
Remember that.
It'll save us time.
282
00:18:06,718 --> 00:18:08,276
Bring her in.
283
00:18:20,632 --> 00:18:22,327
Why are you here?
284
00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:26,294
Take a guess, sleazeball!
285
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:31,134
- josie, what's wrong?
- You know, motherfucker!
286
00:18:31,209 --> 00:18:35,839
Scumbag!
I'll kill you! Creep!
287
00:18:35,914 --> 00:18:38,474
I want my share.
Sit him down.
288
00:18:39,485 --> 00:18:42,545
- I don't understand this!
- Be reasonable.
289
00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:45,283
We may get carried away...
290
00:18:45,357 --> 00:18:48,326
Ms. Balasko,
could you repeat your statement?
291
00:18:48,393 --> 00:18:49,883
I sure can.
292
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:53,420
It was 3:00 am.
The doorbell rang. I was alone.
293
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:58,198
It was that prick. I opened up.
I've known him for 20 years.
294
00:18:58,270 --> 00:19:02,366
He hit me, tied me to the radiator
and fucked me.
295
00:19:02,441 --> 00:19:03,999
If you can call it that!
296
00:19:05,410 --> 00:19:08,004
- It's not true.
- And you didn't make me come.
297
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,514
I faked it so you'd leave.
298
00:19:10,582 --> 00:19:12,106
I better wake up now.
299
00:19:12,184 --> 00:19:14,311
Keep denying it.
Lock him up.
300
00:19:14,386 --> 00:19:16,047
Get going!
301
00:19:16,121 --> 00:19:18,146
Sex pervert!
302
00:19:18,223 --> 00:19:20,191
There's been a mistake.
303
00:19:20,259 --> 00:19:23,524
There's always a mistake.
Life's a mistake.
304
00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:32,598
Guys!
The jet set decided to drop in.
305
00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:37,670
Are we in the wrong disco?
This joint is swanky.
306
00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:40,610
Say hello.
You're talkier on TV.
307
00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:44,137
Maybe it's us.
We mustn't be classy enough.
308
00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:45,911
You're right.
309
00:19:45,984 --> 00:19:49,920
What did you do, honey?
To what do we owe this honor?
310
00:19:49,988 --> 00:19:53,116
- Nothing.
- We're not that stupid.
311
00:19:53,191 --> 00:19:54,920
I swear. I'm innocent.
312
00:19:54,993 --> 00:19:57,359
So are we.
313
00:19:57,429 --> 00:20:00,398
The world is full of innocent people.
Prisons too.
314
00:20:00,465 --> 00:20:03,127
Like me ...
I'm an innocent murderer.
315
00:20:03,201 --> 00:20:06,796
As for Dédé,
he's an innocent firebug.
316
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:10,137
How about you, Mimi?
317
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,302
Can I call you Mimi?
318
00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:14,368
- That hurts.
- No, it doesn't.
319
00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:15,777
Stop or l'll scream!
320
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:20,308
Don't bother. They won't come.
They're watching TV.
321
00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:22,148
You're hurting me.
322
00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:26,614
You know why it hurts?
Because you're tense.
323
00:20:26,692 --> 00:20:30,458
Just relax a little
and you won't feel a thing.
324
00:20:30,529 --> 00:20:32,258
Stop! Leave me alone!
325
00:20:32,331 --> 00:20:34,492
He's all knotted up.
326
00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:35,726
All contracted.
327
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:39,362
- Fucking him will relax us all.
- You're crazy!
328
00:20:39,438 --> 00:20:40,735
I'll scream!
329
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:45,106
It could help your career.
It's losing steam.
330
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:47,270
“Studio” says you're overpaid.
331
00:20:47,346 --> 00:20:49,507
Imagine the coverage:
332
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:52,573
“Blanc Butt-fucked Behind Bars!”
333
00:20:52,651 --> 00:20:54,983
Sounds good...
like a Lifetime Achievement Award.
334
00:20:55,053 --> 00:20:56,645
Help!
335
00:20:56,722 --> 00:20:58,519
Nominated!
336
00:21:00,492 --> 00:21:03,290
- I can't stay here.
- You're free.
337
00:21:03,362 --> 00:21:06,354
The charges were dropped.
Get out.
338
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:10,697
You're lucky. But we'll meet again.
I have ESP.
339
00:21:13,972 --> 00:21:16,532
Can you sign the guest book?
340
00:21:16,608 --> 00:21:19,202
Most of your colleagues already have.
341
00:21:24,449 --> 00:21:27,714
Why are you here?
To slap me too?
342
00:21:27,786 --> 00:21:29,310
Did I rape you also?
343
00:21:29,388 --> 00:21:31,948
What are you talking about?
Relax.
344
00:21:32,024 --> 00:21:34,492
They asked
when you left my place.
345
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,460
What happened?
346
00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:39,224
I don't know. I'm exhausted.
347
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:42,199
I want to see a psychiatrist.
348
00:21:42,267 --> 00:21:45,293
Take the back door.
There are reporters.
349
00:21:46,371 --> 00:21:50,398
See a psychiatrist
after a good night's sleep.
350
00:21:50,475 --> 00:21:53,501
No way.
I'm going to the emergency ward.
351
00:21:53,578 --> 00:21:55,671
- I'll drive you.
- No, I may be dangerous.
352
00:21:55,747 --> 00:21:58,238
Leave! I may be a monster!
353
00:22:10,095 --> 00:22:11,460
Look.
354
00:22:12,397 --> 00:22:15,025
Look who it is.
355
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:17,159
The psychiatric ward?
356
00:22:17,235 --> 00:22:19,931
Third floor.
You can't miss it.
357
00:22:48,533 --> 00:22:50,091
Are you Carole Bouquet?
358
00:22:52,804 --> 00:22:54,772
Can I have an autograph?
359
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,435
Of course.
I need a piece of paper.
360
00:22:59,377 --> 00:23:02,039
- Let's go.
- Wait a second.
361
00:23:02,114 --> 00:23:03,672
We have to go.
362
00:23:04,950 --> 00:23:09,148
If it's a girl,
I'll name her Carole.
363
00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:23,261
Is it this way?
364
00:23:27,272 --> 00:23:30,070
It looks like it.
365
00:23:36,448 --> 00:23:39,281
Mr. Blanc,
you are neither Dr Jekyll ...
366
00:23:39,351 --> 00:23:41,114
nor Mr. Hyde.
367
00:23:41,186 --> 00:23:44,178
You are simply an overworked actor ...
368
00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:47,487
sometimes playing
the role of another...
369
00:23:47,559 --> 00:23:49,049
Michel Blanc.
370
00:23:49,127 --> 00:23:51,027
Without admitting it.
371
00:23:51,096 --> 00:23:53,121
You mean I'm schizoid.
372
00:23:53,198 --> 00:23:55,723
No, you need peace and quiet.
373
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:58,997
I'll give you some pills...
374
00:23:59,071 --> 00:24:03,531
which will turn all this
into a bad dream.
375
00:24:03,608 --> 00:24:09,069
Do you have a country house
where you can relax for a while?
376
00:24:09,147 --> 00:24:11,945
I do. In Provence.
377
00:24:12,017 --> 00:24:15,919
Perfect.
I have a lot of patients there.
378
00:24:21,426 --> 00:24:23,053
Get some rest.
379
00:24:23,128 --> 00:24:25,062
And keep us laughing.
380
00:24:27,399 --> 00:24:30,095
Take a gun along.
One never knows.
381
00:24:57,195 --> 00:25:00,187
I don't need rest.
I'm not tired.
382
00:25:00,265 --> 00:25:03,200
You can be so negative.
383
00:25:03,268 --> 00:25:05,998
No, I'm a nervous wreck.
Shouldn't I be?
384
00:25:07,873 --> 00:25:08,999
Really.
385
00:25:09,074 --> 00:25:13,477
I forget l raped Balasko
and I shouldn't panic?
386
00:25:13,545 --> 00:25:17,140
You'd have reason to panic
if she forgot.
387
00:25:17,215 --> 00:25:20,582
Joke about it. How nice.
And it was in bad taste.
388
00:25:20,652 --> 00:25:23,951
I'm trying to relax you.
389
00:25:24,022 --> 00:25:26,582
How can I relax?
I'm confused.
390
00:25:26,658 --> 00:25:31,288
You try too hard to understand.
Just accept the mystery.
391
00:25:31,363 --> 00:25:34,423
Mysteries can be beautiful.
392
00:25:34,499 --> 00:25:37,229
Did working with Bufiuel
turn you into a mystic?
393
00:25:37,302 --> 00:25:39,031
You need a dose of Bufiuel.
394
00:25:40,906 --> 00:25:41,998
What does that mean?
395
00:25:42,073 --> 00:25:44,303
Forget it.
Take your pills.
396
00:25:47,212 --> 00:25:49,442
You can be a real Ice Queen.
397
00:25:49,514 --> 00:25:51,505
And you, a real schmuck.
398
00:26:24,949 --> 00:26:27,281
Wake up. We're here.
399
00:26:27,352 --> 00:26:29,286
What do you think?
400
00:26:43,668 --> 00:26:45,829
I see ...
401
00:26:45,904 --> 00:26:47,838
It's worse than I thought.
402
00:27:06,257 --> 00:27:09,420
You think
I can write a comedy here?
403
00:27:13,064 --> 00:27:16,329
- So?
- I don't know. Not a sound.
404
00:27:16,401 --> 00:27:20,667
He didn't eat. But he washed down
his pills with all the whiskey.
405
00:27:20,739 --> 00:27:22,502
Go have a look.
406
00:27:22,574 --> 00:27:25,270
It's been three days.
It's not normal.
407
00:27:26,945 --> 00:27:29,311
I can't interrupt his work.
408
00:27:29,381 --> 00:27:31,315
He'll eat when he's hungry.
409
00:27:32,984 --> 00:27:34,815
He may never be hungry again.
410
00:27:34,886 --> 00:27:36,683
What do you mean by that?
411
00:27:36,755 --> 00:27:39,883
Alcohol and pills
make bad cocktails ...
412
00:27:39,958 --> 00:27:42,017
but good corpses.
413
00:27:42,093 --> 00:27:44,459
You think he's suicidal?
414
00:27:44,529 --> 00:27:46,463
He's no Little Mary Sunshine.
415
00:27:46,531 --> 00:27:48,726
You have a vivid imagination.
416
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:51,564
My eyes have seen all.
417
00:27:51,636 --> 00:27:56,630
He's just like my cousin Albert:
tiny and homely.
418
00:27:56,708 --> 00:27:59,233
One day we found him hanging
over the toilet.
419
00:27:59,310 --> 00:28:01,244
Stop with this nonsense.
420
00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:10,679
I'll go.
You gave me the creeps.
421
00:28:23,735 --> 00:28:26,329
Michel, are you okay?
422
00:28:28,139 --> 00:28:32,371
I told you so! My God!
Tragedy has struck again.
423
00:28:32,444 --> 00:28:34,435
Make lunch and calm down.
424
00:28:37,282 --> 00:28:39,216
Michel, I'm coming in.
425
00:28:57,268 --> 00:28:59,065
Shit! Michel!
426
00:29:00,672 --> 00:29:03,300
I swear! It wasn't me!
427
00:29:00,672 --> 00:29:01,798
Are you okay?
428
00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:07,602
- Where am I?
- You're in Provence.
429
00:29:07,679 --> 00:29:09,544
I'm Carole Bouquet.
Remember?
430
00:29:09,614 --> 00:29:11,309
- What?
- You're in the country.
431
00:29:11,382 --> 00:29:13,748
Wait. I can't hear.
432
00:29:13,818 --> 00:29:15,911
You're in the country.
At my house.
433
00:29:15,987 --> 00:29:18,979
- What time is it?
- Two o'clock.
434
00:29:19,057 --> 00:29:20,684
Why the earplugs?
435
00:29:19,057 --> 00:29:21,184
- There's no noise.
- I noticed.
436
00:29:22,961 --> 00:29:25,429
The silence woke me up.
437
00:29:26,731 --> 00:29:29,723
I'm sorry l barged in.
I was worried.
438
00:29:29,801 --> 00:29:33,100
- You don't move, you don't eat.
- I'm all tense.
439
00:29:33,171 --> 00:29:36,538
It's normal.
You stay in this gloomy room.
440
00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:37,905
Go work outside.
441
00:29:37,976 --> 00:29:41,343
Who can write outdoors?
It's an indoor thing.
442
00:29:41,413 --> 00:29:42,641
The light is beautiful.
443
00:29:42,714 --> 00:29:45,308
- I'm not a painter.
- Right...
444
00:29:45,383 --> 00:29:48,079
At least open the shutters.
Admire the view.
445
00:29:49,220 --> 00:29:52,849
The view freaks me out,
like an endless Easter Sunday.
446
00:29:52,924 --> 00:29:56,087
Maybe some sunshine
would cheer you up.
447
00:29:56,161 --> 00:29:58,254
That would be a first.
448
00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:12,173
I made a beef stew...
with truffles.
449
00:30:12,243 --> 00:30:14,837
And a Saint-Joseph.
Is that okay?
450
00:30:14,913 --> 00:30:18,314
It's okay for the stew,
but not for me.
451
00:30:18,383 --> 00:30:21,250
You think l can work
after beef stew?
452
00:30:21,319 --> 00:30:22,479
Come on.
453
00:30:22,554 --> 00:30:24,749
Yesterday you ate
as little as you wrote.
454
00:30:24,823 --> 00:30:26,848
I see.
455
00:30:26,925 --> 00:30:28,552
I have to earn my keep.
456
00:30:28,626 --> 00:30:31,356
I'll pay you for the truffles.
457
00:30:31,429 --> 00:30:35,331
Don't react that way.
I was trying to be nice.
458
00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:36,697
Right.
459
00:30:36,768 --> 00:30:39,532
I wonder why you're so nice.
460
00:30:39,604 --> 00:30:43,563
Is Carole Bouquet
trying to score a comic?
461
00:30:44,776 --> 00:30:46,676
How's that for an answer?
462
00:30:46,744 --> 00:30:48,905
- It's fine.
- Perfect!
463
00:30:48,980 --> 00:30:51,210
Now shower, get dressed...
464
00:30:51,282 --> 00:30:54,080
and drop the tacky Woody Allen shtick.
465
00:30:54,152 --> 00:30:56,712
Neurotic clowns bore me stiff.
466
00:30:58,089 --> 00:31:00,148
Lunch is in 20 minutes.
467
00:31:00,225 --> 00:31:02,159
- Is that clear?
- Yes, Carole.
468
00:31:02,994 --> 00:31:04,985
We're eating outside.
469
00:31:05,063 --> 00:31:07,861
That may do me good.
470
00:31:10,969 --> 00:31:13,563
Your stew is delicious, Carole.
471
00:31:13,638 --> 00:31:15,071
Thank you, Michel.
472
00:31:15,139 --> 00:31:18,267
- Help yourself.
- No, I'm full.
473
00:31:18,343 --> 00:31:20,470
- Are you finished?
- Go ahead.
474
00:31:23,548 --> 00:31:25,277
I'm sorry for this morning.
475
00:31:26,718 --> 00:31:28,413
Forget about it.
476
00:31:28,486 --> 00:31:31,683
It must be the tranquilizers
and the whiskey.
477
00:31:31,756 --> 00:31:33,553
Try going cold turkey.
478
00:31:33,625 --> 00:31:35,616
I'll try.
It won't be easy.
479
00:31:35,693 --> 00:31:38,992
Why are you wearing a hat?
We're in the shade.
480
00:31:39,063 --> 00:31:42,863
The sun peeps through the leaves.
I'll look like Gorbachev.
481
00:31:42,934 --> 00:31:44,629
I won't insist.
482
00:31:44,702 --> 00:31:46,795
I'll see you later at the mall.
483
00:31:47,772 --> 00:31:50,070
- Excuse me?
- My granddaughter's a fan.
484
00:31:50,141 --> 00:31:52,701
She wants you to sign a cassette.
485
00:31:52,777 --> 00:31:55,610
What is this all about?
486
00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:57,443
It was in the paper.
487
00:31:57,515 --> 00:31:59,506
- What paper?
- Wait.
488
00:32:00,418 --> 00:32:02,943
- Is it here?
- In the garbage.
489
00:32:15,066 --> 00:32:16,931
I found it!
490
00:32:17,001 --> 00:32:18,764
“Michel Blanc will sign cassettes...
491
00:32:18,837 --> 00:32:20,998
in person at Continental Supermarket.”
492
00:32:21,072 --> 00:32:23,563
Now can I take tranquilizers?
493
00:32:23,641 --> 00:32:26,201
Let's take the bull by the horns.
494
00:32:26,277 --> 00:32:28,108
Where are you going?
495
00:32:30,048 --> 00:32:31,572
We shouldn't do this.
496
00:32:31,649 --> 00:32:33,810
The nightmare is almost over.
497
00:32:33,885 --> 00:32:37,150
- The video aisle?
- That way.
498
00:32:38,222 --> 00:32:41,350
Come on, Julien.
It's your second shot.
499
00:32:41,426 --> 00:32:43,018
Aim for the target!
500
00:32:45,563 --> 00:32:47,758
You have one last try.
501
00:32:47,832 --> 00:32:49,424
Remember the rules.
502
00:32:49,500 --> 00:32:53,095
You have three chances
to dunk Michel Blanc.
503
00:32:53,171 --> 00:32:56,629
You're not crazy.
You have a look-alike.
504
00:32:56,708 --> 00:32:58,107
He looks like me?
505
00:32:58,176 --> 00:33:00,804
I can't tell the difference.
506
00:33:00,878 --> 00:33:02,470
Are you happy now?
507
00:33:02,547 --> 00:33:04,845
You'd be happy
to look like him?
508
00:33:04,916 --> 00:33:07,942
Are you ready
for your third shot?
509
00:33:08,019 --> 00:33:09,486
Throw the ball.
510
00:33:19,764 --> 00:33:23,063
I hear he gets unemployment too.
511
00:33:23,134 --> 00:33:24,624
We'll wait outside.
512
00:33:24,702 --> 00:33:27,432
Call the cops.
He raped Balasko.
513
00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:29,473
I won't let him touch you.
514
00:33:37,915 --> 00:33:40,509
- Excuse me.
- No more autographs.
515
00:33:40,585 --> 00:33:43,053
- just a question.
- What is it?
516
00:33:43,121 --> 00:33:45,589
- Who are you?
- Michel Blanc. Are you blind?
517
00:33:45,657 --> 00:33:48,057
- And you?
- We're Michel Blanc too.
518
00:33:50,461 --> 00:33:52,986
- Shit.
- Wait!
519
00:33:54,599 --> 00:33:55,657
Stop!
520
00:34:05,843 --> 00:34:07,435
Let's talk!
521
00:34:12,783 --> 00:34:14,080
He has a Porsche!
522
00:34:14,152 --> 00:34:16,086
I love speeding!
523
00:34:18,356 --> 00:34:19,789
Buckle up!
524
00:34:26,998 --> 00:34:28,966
There he is.
525
00:34:47,585 --> 00:34:49,678
- Are you okay?
- Not great.
526
00:34:56,961 --> 00:34:58,826
- Stop.
- We have him.
527
00:35:03,234 --> 00:35:05,202
Your stew is coming back up.
528
00:35:26,991 --> 00:35:29,585
- Excuse me.
- You feel better?
529
00:35:31,929 --> 00:35:33,726
I'm sorry. We lost him.
530
00:35:33,798 --> 00:35:35,288
Maybe not.
531
00:35:35,366 --> 00:35:37,266
You have his address?
532
00:35:37,335 --> 00:35:39,360
A certain town keeps popping up.
533
00:35:39,437 --> 00:35:42,304
- So?
- Let's go there.
534
00:35:42,373 --> 00:35:44,068
Who knows where it is?
535
00:35:44,141 --> 00:35:46,166
- We'll find it.
- We never will.
536
00:35:46,244 --> 00:35:48,804
Don't be so pessimistic.
It's exhausting.
537
00:35:50,548 --> 00:35:51,981
Buckle up.
538
00:36:23,214 --> 00:36:25,444
What do we do now?
539
00:36:25,516 --> 00:36:28,644
Take his agenda and ask around.
540
00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:32,314
- Why do I have to?
- Because I just drove 400 km.
541
00:36:32,390 --> 00:36:34,824
Stop asking questions
and do something.
542
00:36:37,128 --> 00:36:39,062
Okay, I'll go.
543
00:36:44,268 --> 00:36:47,931
But your attitude
is really getting on my nerves.
544
00:36:48,005 --> 00:36:50,337
- I'll take note.
- Do that.
545
00:36:59,049 --> 00:37:00,175
Hello.
546
00:37:00,251 --> 00:37:02,685
Here's the star.
How's our Patrick?
547
00:37:02,753 --> 00:37:05,654
- What Patrick?
- The handsome one. Have a drink.
548
00:37:05,723 --> 00:37:07,623
So you came after all?
549
00:37:07,692 --> 00:37:11,560
He misses us. Give me a kiss
or do I have to get up?
550
00:37:13,831 --> 00:37:15,264
Hi, gorgeous.
551
00:37:16,968 --> 00:37:19,300
New cologne?
I liked the other one.
552
00:37:19,370 --> 00:37:21,361
You didn't come alone.
553
00:37:22,540 --> 00:37:24,201
He finally brought us one.
554
00:37:24,275 --> 00:37:26,505
Shit! It's Carole Bouquet!
555
00:37:26,577 --> 00:37:28,875
- No way!
- You hit the jackpot!
556
00:37:28,946 --> 00:37:30,914
What a bastard.
557
00:37:30,981 --> 00:37:33,541
My old school buddy
is banging Bouquet!
558
00:37:33,618 --> 00:37:35,381
I get all the dogs.
559
00:37:35,453 --> 00:37:38,115
You think you're so special?
560
00:37:38,189 --> 00:37:41,056
You're no fucking Alain Delon.
561
00:37:41,125 --> 00:37:43,286
Take it easy.
You misunderstood.
562
00:37:43,361 --> 00:37:46,091
- Bullshit.
-Cut it out, lovebirds.
563
00:37:46,797 --> 00:37:48,662
I have to go.
564
00:37:48,733 --> 00:37:51,463
I got a package for your mother.
565
00:37:51,535 --> 00:37:53,469
Take it. Save me the trip.
566
00:37:53,537 --> 00:37:54,902
- Okay.
- Here.
567
00:37:57,641 --> 00:37:59,404
Give Carole our love.
568
00:38:00,344 --> 00:38:01,777
I will.
569
00:38:15,993 --> 00:38:18,257
- So?
- They called me Patrick.
570
00:38:18,329 --> 00:38:20,422
This is for my mother.
571
00:38:20,498 --> 00:38:22,432
One guy is a schoolmate.
572
00:38:22,500 --> 00:38:25,264
They think you're him.
It works both ways.
573
00:38:25,336 --> 00:38:27,270
He got lipstick on you.
574
00:38:28,939 --> 00:38:31,100
- Where are we going?
- To visit Mom.
575
00:38:31,175 --> 00:38:33,609
We have the address.
576
00:38:39,550 --> 00:38:40,881
Well, I'll be!
577
00:38:40,951 --> 00:38:42,475
Hello, ma'am.
578
00:38:42,553 --> 00:38:46,922
You should have called, Patrick.
That's not nice.
579
00:38:46,991 --> 00:38:52,190
I'm in my nightgown.
This is no way to greet Carole Bouquet.
580
00:38:54,098 --> 00:38:58,296
How typical.
Come in ... you'll catch pneumonia.
581
00:38:58,369 --> 00:38:59,859
It's not too late?
582
00:38:59,937 --> 00:39:03,634
Of course not. Come in.
583
00:39:03,707 --> 00:39:06,642
Go get a bottle of wine
from the basement.
584
00:39:06,711 --> 00:39:10,272
- The basement?
- Yeah, the one under the house! Hurry!
585
00:39:10,348 --> 00:39:12,612
Unless you prefer vermouth?
586
00:39:12,683 --> 00:39:15,083
I don't want to bother you.
587
00:39:15,152 --> 00:39:19,782
It's no bother. I'm ashamed.
It's like a gypsy camp here.
588
00:39:19,857 --> 00:39:21,722
This way.
589
00:39:24,428 --> 00:39:26,521
I'll show you your room.
590
00:39:26,597 --> 00:39:28,224
We can't stay.
591
00:39:28,299 --> 00:39:32,360
Stay for dinner.
The fridge is empty anyway.
592
00:39:32,436 --> 00:39:34,870
- We're in a rush.
- Don't argue, Carole.
593
00:39:34,939 --> 00:39:37,339
Can I call you Carole?
I'm Marthe.
594
00:39:39,643 --> 00:39:41,577
Have a seat.
595
00:39:45,516 --> 00:39:47,211
Looking at the pictures?
596
00:39:47,284 --> 00:39:50,344
I cut out everything.
I'm a real mama.
597
00:39:50,421 --> 00:39:52,685
You have kids too.
598
00:39:52,756 --> 00:39:57,523
Whenever I see Patrick on TV,
I cry my eyes out.
599
00:39:57,595 --> 00:39:59,722
- Patrick?
- That's his real name.
600
00:39:59,797 --> 00:40:01,424
Patrick Olivier.
601
00:40:01,499 --> 00:40:04,991
He changed it.
He was afraid of his father.
602
00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:09,096
One night his father and I
were watching TV.
603
00:40:09,173 --> 00:40:11,641
All of a sudden we saw him!
604
00:40:11,709 --> 00:40:13,643
We were proud.
605
00:40:13,711 --> 00:40:16,771
It was better
than seeing him in jail cells.
606
00:40:16,847 --> 00:40:21,682
He just stole a few car radios.
It could have got worse.
607
00:40:21,752 --> 00:40:24,186
He was shocked to see himself.
608
00:40:24,254 --> 00:40:27,553
He wanted to surprise us.
Good kid.
609
00:40:29,226 --> 00:40:31,126
Carole, we have to hurry.
610
00:40:31,195 --> 00:40:33,163
First have a bite to eat.
611
00:40:33,230 --> 00:40:35,130
Take the tray.
612
00:40:35,199 --> 00:40:37,064
- We'll eat and run.
- We're not hungry.
613
00:40:37,134 --> 00:40:38,294
l am, Patrick.
614
00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:46,903
- What now?
- They're eating.
615
00:40:46,977 --> 00:40:49,445
-Since when?
- 45 minutes ago.
616
00:40:49,513 --> 00:40:53,005
It's the main course.
They already had tomato salad.
617
00:40:53,083 --> 00:40:54,744
- Drinks?
- Muscadet.
618
00:40:54,818 --> 00:40:57,616
The wine didn't go
with the tomato salad.
619
00:40:57,688 --> 00:40:58,882
There was tuna in it.
620
00:40:58,956 --> 00:41:03,859
I'd have served a Cétes du Rhône
and drunk the white next.
621
00:41:03,928 --> 00:41:05,793
- What's next?
- I gave her pork pie.
622
00:41:05,863 --> 00:41:08,161
She roasted some garlic.
623
00:41:08,232 --> 00:41:09,927
Some spuds too.
624
00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:12,867
I have some leftover camembert!
625
00:41:12,937 --> 00:41:15,269
She has plenty of cheese.
626
00:41:16,407 --> 00:41:17,931
Everything's fine.
627
00:41:18,008 --> 00:41:19,134
How is she?
628
00:41:19,210 --> 00:41:21,075
Sweet and simple.
629
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:24,308
She had two helpings of head cheese.
630
00:41:25,382 --> 00:41:28,715
You're nuts.
We shouldn't have stayed.
631
00:41:28,786 --> 00:41:30,378
She's so happy.
632
00:41:30,454 --> 00:41:32,422
Maybe they're partners.
633
00:41:32,489 --> 00:41:35,515
They'll poison us
and bury us under a dung heap.
634
00:41:35,593 --> 00:41:39,893
I sautéed some mushrooms.
They'll help wash down the pork.
635
00:41:41,365 --> 00:41:43,162
You're not eating!
636
00:41:43,234 --> 00:41:45,031
It's the humidity.
637
00:41:45,102 --> 00:41:46,569
Madame Baudet!
638
00:41:46,637 --> 00:41:49,401
- Is it a bad time?
- We're eating.
639
00:41:49,473 --> 00:41:51,464
Come in.
It's Madame Baudet.
640
00:41:51,542 --> 00:41:53,066
But it's a family dinner.
641
00:41:53,144 --> 00:41:57,103
Nothing fancy.
Have some tart with us.
642
00:41:57,181 --> 00:42:01,277
You know Carole Bouquet.
This is Patrick's old teacher.
643
00:42:01,352 --> 00:42:03,445
- Hello, Mrs. Bouquet.
- Hello, ma'am.
644
00:42:03,520 --> 00:42:04,851
Hi, sonny.
645
00:42:04,922 --> 00:42:07,083
Have a glass of wine.
646
00:42:07,157 --> 00:42:10,422
With pleasure.
We'll have coffee at my place.
647
00:42:10,494 --> 00:42:13,759
Just next door.
My son is dying to see you.
648
00:42:13,831 --> 00:42:16,026
- He adores you.
- We have to leave.
649
00:42:16,100 --> 00:42:19,126
They're shooting a movie nearby.
650
00:42:19,203 --> 00:42:21,967
Just five minutes.
The time to say hello.
651
00:42:22,039 --> 00:42:25,941
It will perk him up.
He's been paralyzed for five years.
652
00:42:26,010 --> 00:42:27,637
Okay, let's go now.
653
00:42:27,711 --> 00:42:29,838
But just five minutes.
654
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:32,040
You're a good person.
655
00:42:29,913 --> 00:42:31,676
I knew it.
656
00:43:08,227 --> 00:43:10,627
Come, it's this way.
657
00:43:16,435 --> 00:43:18,027
Come on.
658
00:43:24,276 --> 00:43:26,938
Go in. He's in there.
659
00:43:35,721 --> 00:43:37,313
Go ahead!
660
00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:50,496
Hello.
I'm glad to meet you.
661
00:43:55,841 --> 00:43:57,741
Mama ...
662
00:44:01,814 --> 00:44:04,214
- My hand...
- We'll drop by later.
663
00:44:05,084 --> 00:44:07,177
- Hold my hand.
- Of course.
664
00:44:08,253 --> 00:44:10,744
Are you okay?
665
00:44:10,823 --> 00:44:13,815
- Is he okay?
- This has never happened.
666
00:44:16,729 --> 00:44:17,787
What's wrong?
667
00:44:18,964 --> 00:44:20,454
You better rest.
668
00:44:23,836 --> 00:44:25,303
Stay in bed.
669
00:44:30,009 --> 00:44:33,638
- Oh, shit!
- He's walking.
670
00:44:34,947 --> 00:44:36,642
Come on, Carole.
671
00:44:36,715 --> 00:44:38,478
I'm walking!
672
00:44:42,154 --> 00:44:43,519
It's a miracle!
673
00:44:43,589 --> 00:44:45,784
He's walking!
674
00:44:48,394 --> 00:44:50,862
- I'm walking!
- Please, come!
675
00:44:50,929 --> 00:44:53,397
Look ... I'm walking!
676
00:44:53,465 --> 00:44:55,456
I've had enough.
Come on!
677
00:44:56,435 --> 00:44:58,198
I'm walking.
678
00:44:58,270 --> 00:45:00,568
Shit!
679
00:45:01,874 --> 00:45:04,843
I'm walking.
I have a hard-on!
680
00:45:08,414 --> 00:45:10,006
Excuse us.
681
00:45:15,854 --> 00:45:17,788
Come on, Carole.
682
00:45:22,761 --> 00:45:25,252
Let go of her hand, mister!
683
00:45:42,681 --> 00:45:44,615
Start the car.
684
00:45:46,351 --> 00:45:49,320
You never wondered
what this is all for?
685
00:45:49,388 --> 00:45:52,846
Success? Stardom?
All the blah-blah?
686
00:45:52,925 --> 00:45:55,587
I haven't had the time recently.
687
00:45:55,661 --> 00:45:59,028
Let's discuss this another time.
Drive.
688
00:46:00,232 --> 00:46:02,359
What have you done
with your talent?
689
00:46:03,435 --> 00:46:04,697
Excuse me?
690
00:46:04,770 --> 00:46:06,237
I've found the answer.
691
00:46:06,305 --> 00:46:08,296
I gave legs to a cripple.
692
00:46:09,341 --> 00:46:12,572
You're pulling my leg.
Cut it out.
693
00:46:12,645 --> 00:46:15,546
You think you healed a cripple?
694
00:46:15,614 --> 00:46:19,778
He had an unconscious block.
Seeing you released it.
695
00:46:19,851 --> 00:46:21,148
There was no miracle.
696
00:46:21,220 --> 00:46:24,621
You don't believe a thing.
Even what you see.
697
00:46:24,690 --> 00:46:27,591
I'm not the one going haywire.
You are.
698
00:46:27,659 --> 00:46:30,560
See it that way,
if it helps you.
699
00:46:30,629 --> 00:46:33,621
It would help me
to tell the cops.
700
00:46:33,699 --> 00:46:38,068
Forget the police.
We'll find Patrick and scare him.
701
00:46:39,071 --> 00:46:41,005
For his mother's sake.
702
00:46:41,232 --> 00:46:41,232
703
00:46:39,071 --> 00:46:41,938
This is my life!
He's my double, not yours!
704
00:46:46,245 --> 00:46:48,509
The cops aren't on your ass!
705
00:46:48,580 --> 00:46:51,515
So you work your miracles elsewhere.
706
00:46:51,583 --> 00:46:53,551
I won't take you to the cops.
707
00:46:53,619 --> 00:46:55,143
I'll hitchhike.
Let me off.
708
00:46:55,220 --> 00:46:56,881
It may take a while.
709
00:46:56,955 --> 00:46:58,820
Keep the faith, sister.
710
00:47:01,493 --> 00:47:03,427
Okay, but I warned you.
711
00:47:22,681 --> 00:47:24,615
I can't leave him.
712
00:47:48,273 --> 00:47:52,141
Is your tantrum over?
Climb back in.
713
00:47:52,210 --> 00:47:54,144
It's hard to refuse.
714
00:47:58,283 --> 00:48:01,150
I'll get in behind,
if you don't mind.
715
00:48:05,190 --> 00:48:06,987
I can drive slowly.
716
00:48:07,059 --> 00:48:09,425
Don't bother.
I just feel like it.
717
00:48:09,495 --> 00:48:11,326
You're a strange guy.
718
00:48:24,309 --> 00:48:26,573
Are you sick again?
719
00:48:26,645 --> 00:48:28,044
Do I look it?
720
00:48:28,113 --> 00:48:29,808
You just look strange.
721
00:48:29,882 --> 00:48:32,510
- In what way?
- As if something's up.
722
00:48:32,584 --> 00:48:34,518
- Bingo!
- What the hell?
723
00:48:34,586 --> 00:48:39,182
Pure heaven.
I'm fondling Carole Bouquet's breasts.
724
00:48:40,959 --> 00:48:43,519
- So they're hot and soft.
- I mean what's next?
725
00:48:43,595 --> 00:48:45,722
Next maybe we can go hump.
726
00:48:47,733 --> 00:48:50,702
It's time to get serious, Patrick.
Okay?
727
00:48:50,769 --> 00:48:53,397
- How did you guess?
- Call it intuition.
728
00:48:53,472 --> 00:48:55,406
You're hurting me.
729
00:48:59,111 --> 00:49:00,976
Stop! I have a gun!
730
00:49:18,497 --> 00:49:20,863
Who's that tiny, bald actor?
731
00:49:20,933 --> 00:49:23,231
- Michel Blanc? Where?
- Under the salad bar.
732
00:49:24,503 --> 00:49:26,630
- Isn't she Carole Bouquet?
- Get out!
733
00:49:31,943 --> 00:49:33,410
Move it!
734
00:49:34,413 --> 00:49:36,040
I'm coming!
735
00:49:36,114 --> 00:49:37,945
While l reload.
736
00:49:44,222 --> 00:49:47,487
Shit!
I didn't know they were a couple.
737
00:49:52,464 --> 00:49:55,922
- Put your gun away.
- Shut up and walk.
738
00:49:56,001 --> 00:49:57,434
Where are we going?
739
00:49:57,503 --> 00:50:00,939
Move or your asshole
will have a double too.
740
00:50:01,006 --> 00:50:03,031
Did you lie to your whole town?
741
00:50:03,108 --> 00:50:06,236
Yeah.
They stopped calling me a loser.
742
00:50:06,311 --> 00:50:09,712
The bigger he got,
the more they liked me. I was trapped.
743
00:50:10,916 --> 00:50:13,851
There was no harm done.
No one died.
744
00:50:13,919 --> 00:50:15,887
- Nothing serious.
- And Balasko?
745
00:50:15,954 --> 00:50:19,355
I wanted to steal
some money from her.
746
00:50:19,424 --> 00:50:22,552
Seeing her tied to the radiator
was too much.
747
00:50:22,627 --> 00:50:24,356
I'm only human.
748
00:50:24,429 --> 00:50:27,296
Listen, shrimp.
I'll make it brief.
749
00:50:27,366 --> 00:50:30,062
Keep a low profile
from now on.
750
00:50:30,135 --> 00:50:33,832
If l see you again,
I'll knock the shit out of you.
751
00:50:33,905 --> 00:50:36,339
- Understand?
- Don't worry.
752
00:50:36,408 --> 00:50:39,206
Beat it now,
or we'll start all over.
753
00:50:39,277 --> 00:50:40,403
I'm going.
754
00:50:47,319 --> 00:50:50,447
I'd have come before,
but Carole Bouquet refused.
755
00:50:50,522 --> 00:50:52,717
The miracle unglued her.
756
00:50:52,791 --> 00:50:56,386
She says it's a miracle.
I say it's just nerves.
757
00:50:56,461 --> 00:51:00,261
I bet he became a veggie again
after we left.
758
00:51:00,331 --> 00:51:03,767
I wanted to tell you
because he's dangerous.
759
00:51:07,606 --> 00:51:09,597
Do you have any questions?
760
00:51:15,980 --> 00:51:18,448
Cheers.
I've always wondered.
761
00:51:18,517 --> 00:51:22,510
Do you improvise this stuff
or learn it by heart?
762
00:51:25,424 --> 00:51:28,951
Act in our Nativity Pageant
with us next Christmas.
763
00:51:44,109 --> 00:51:45,440
Proud of yourself?
764
00:51:46,845 --> 00:51:49,780
On TV, you sing for Ethiopia.
765
00:51:49,848 --> 00:51:54,148
But when the cameras stop rolling,
you squeal.
766
00:51:54,219 --> 00:51:55,914
Who are you kidding?
767
00:51:55,988 --> 00:51:59,082
- I'll bash your face in!
- What is it?
768
00:51:59,158 --> 00:52:00,420
- Relax!
- I'll kill you!
769
00:52:00,492 --> 00:52:02,483
You're crazy!
Let me explain.
770
00:52:02,561 --> 00:52:05,997
Explain what?
That you got me in deep shit?
771
00:52:06,064 --> 00:52:08,794
- I'm suffocating.
- Save the explanation.
772
00:52:08,867 --> 00:52:10,767
Scum!
773
00:52:12,104 --> 00:52:15,096
Listen, I didn't ask
to look like you.
774
00:52:16,274 --> 00:52:19,573
Believe me,
I'd have chosen another face.
775
00:52:19,645 --> 00:52:21,772
Yours is no fun.
776
00:52:21,847 --> 00:52:24,873
And you picked some lousy roles.
777
00:52:24,949 --> 00:52:27,509
Can't you vary them?
They're boring.
778
00:52:27,585 --> 00:52:30,611
Spare me your advice.
I don't need it.
779
00:52:30,689 --> 00:52:34,125
That's a shame.
You'd have avoided some duds.
780
00:52:34,193 --> 00:52:36,957
If you're ashamed,
don't act like me.
781
00:52:37,028 --> 00:52:41,465
I have all the minuses.
I deserve the pluses too.
782
00:52:41,533 --> 00:52:42,795
I have no privacy.
783
00:52:42,868 --> 00:52:45,302
When I trip, everyone laughs.
784
00:52:45,370 --> 00:52:49,807
You chose your life, and it paid off.
You can't complain.
785
00:52:49,874 --> 00:52:51,808
All I can do is cry.
786
00:52:51,877 --> 00:52:53,572
You've ruined my life.
787
00:52:53,645 --> 00:52:58,048
What about mine?
I can't get a decent job with your face.
788
00:52:58,116 --> 00:53:00,983
What if Hitler
looked like Groucho Marx?
789
00:53:01,052 --> 00:53:04,544
You screwed up my life.
That's the truth.
790
00:53:04,623 --> 00:53:07,091
I'm wasting my time with you.
791
00:53:07,158 --> 00:53:10,286
I won't change my job
or my face either.
792
00:53:10,361 --> 00:53:13,057
Find a solution and get a life.
793
00:53:13,131 --> 00:53:16,692
If you start again,
I'll find smarter cops.
794
00:53:16,768 --> 00:53:18,167
Good night.
795
00:53:29,481 --> 00:53:31,472
I know a good solution.
796
00:53:31,549 --> 00:53:33,983
The best is to leave me alone.
797
00:53:34,052 --> 00:53:37,044
We could become partners.
798
00:53:37,122 --> 00:53:39,784
It'd be smarter to share the job.
799
00:53:39,858 --> 00:53:43,419
I don't understand...
or I'm too scared to.
800
00:53:43,495 --> 00:53:47,488
I'll do the TV shows that bore you.
801
00:53:48,500 --> 00:53:51,298
- You're talking fraud here.
- Why?
802
00:53:51,369 --> 00:53:53,530
The public gets
their money's worth.
803
00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:57,006
You do movies and write.
I'll do talk shows.
804
00:53:57,075 --> 00:53:59,976
Your public won't complain.
805
00:54:00,045 --> 00:54:04,539
Sometimes you seem dead tired.
You're only human.
806
00:54:04,616 --> 00:54:07,847
I'll do the movies
you do for the money.
807
00:54:07,919 --> 00:54:11,013
You do the quality stuff.
An actor's dream.
808
00:54:11,089 --> 00:54:13,649
- It's never just for money.
- Cut it out.
809
00:54:13,725 --> 00:54:15,386
There's more to it.
810
00:54:15,460 --> 00:54:18,395
And I bet you like the products
you advertise.
811
00:54:24,669 --> 00:54:26,500
Think it over.
812
00:54:26,571 --> 00:54:28,937
How about taking a year off?
813
00:54:29,007 --> 00:54:31,066
India. Burma.
814
00:54:31,142 --> 00:54:34,475
Sunset by the Sulu Sea.
The streets of Manila.
815
00:54:34,546 --> 00:54:35,638
This is insane.
816
00:54:35,714 --> 00:54:38,547
You wouldn't be the first.
817
00:54:38,616 --> 00:54:42,416
Ever wonder how Depardieu
makes so many movies?
818
00:54:42,487 --> 00:54:43,715
It's humanly impossible.
819
00:54:43,789 --> 00:54:47,691
You're a raving lunatic.
You scare me.
820
00:54:47,759 --> 00:54:50,922
I don't need an answer now.
Take your time.
821
00:54:50,996 --> 00:54:52,759
You know where to find me.
822
00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:54,628
Good night.
823
00:55:23,361 --> 00:55:26,922
I made a huge mistake
that I will pay for dearly.
824
00:55:43,348 --> 00:55:45,646
What the fuck is happening?
825
00:55:45,717 --> 00:55:48,515
I was right.
I'm starting to panic.
826
00:55:57,462 --> 00:55:58,486
Is Carole home?
827
00:56:10,942 --> 00:56:12,239
Is it a bad time?
828
00:56:13,178 --> 00:56:14,338
I warned you.
829
00:56:14,412 --> 00:56:16,437
No, it's me. Michel.
830
00:56:16,514 --> 00:56:18,311
I've been patient, Patrick.
831
00:56:18,383 --> 00:56:20,908
Now I'm getting angry.
832
00:56:20,985 --> 00:56:22,976
I'm not my double.
I'm Michel Blanc.
833
00:56:23,054 --> 00:56:26,046
Really?
It won't work. Come in.
834
00:56:35,166 --> 00:56:36,827
Come here.
835
00:56:36,901 --> 00:56:41,668
You're Michel Blanc? Perfect timing:
I'm eating with him.
836
00:56:41,740 --> 00:56:43,537
Bad luck, huh?
837
00:56:57,856 --> 00:56:59,790
Say something, guys.
838
00:57:04,863 --> 00:57:06,854
You can't believe him.
839
00:57:06,932 --> 00:57:08,923
There's a slight resemblance.
840
00:57:09,000 --> 00:57:11,127
Honey, it's obviously not him.
841
00:57:11,202 --> 00:57:13,796
I'm no fool.
They're all blind.
842
00:57:13,871 --> 00:57:15,395
The eyes are off.
843
00:57:15,473 --> 00:57:16,997
This isn't funny.
844
00:57:17,075 --> 00:57:20,511
The voice.
Michel never sounded like a fairy.
845
00:57:20,578 --> 00:57:23,570
There's the bastard
who raped me.
846
00:57:23,648 --> 00:57:24,706
Josie, cut it out.
847
00:57:25,750 --> 00:57:26,944
Where's your hard-on?
848
00:57:27,018 --> 00:57:29,646
- You miss the radiator?
- Josie, please!
849
00:57:29,721 --> 00:57:31,655
I'll castrate this freak.
850
00:57:43,768 --> 00:57:46,464
Patrick, it can only get worse.
851
00:57:46,537 --> 00:57:50,837
I'm sorry we were violent.
It's to make you see reason.
852
00:57:50,909 --> 00:57:53,673
I'll help you
if you decide to change.
853
00:57:54,746 --> 00:57:58,238
Help me wake up.
I'm fed up.
854
00:58:23,675 --> 00:58:25,472
A double brandy.
855
00:58:25,543 --> 00:58:27,841
Coming up.
856
00:58:41,226 --> 00:58:42,659
Another.
857
00:58:46,798 --> 00:58:48,129
Can you look at me?
858
00:58:48,199 --> 00:58:51,828
I mean ... do you recognize me?
859
00:58:51,903 --> 00:58:54,235
Don't bother.
Pay up, mister.
860
00:58:54,305 --> 00:58:55,738
You misunderstood.
861
00:58:58,309 --> 00:59:00,174
Have you seen me before?
862
00:59:00,245 --> 00:59:02,179
I don't know. Turn around.
863
00:59:02,247 --> 00:59:06,377
Yeah ...
you're that asshole weatherman.
864
00:59:06,451 --> 00:59:09,818
No, not on TV.
At the movies.
865
00:59:09,888 --> 00:59:13,221
Sorry, mister.
Movies bore the shit out of me.
866
00:59:13,291 --> 00:59:16,124
Drink up and go.
867
00:59:48,909 --> 00:59:51,742
You're pushing your luck.
868
00:59:53,014 --> 00:59:55,505
I'm sorry to say
the party's over.
869
00:59:55,583 --> 00:59:57,107
Put away your toys.
870
00:59:57,185 --> 01:00:00,154
Give me my keys
and get out of my life.
871
01:00:01,456 --> 01:00:05,756
Despite appearances,
you're an optimist, Michel.
872
01:00:05,827 --> 01:00:07,021
A real Pollyanna.
873
01:00:07,095 --> 01:00:09,495
It's bad for your films.
874
01:00:09,564 --> 01:00:12,499
The scenario is in my hands now.
875
01:00:12,567 --> 01:00:16,196
It won't be The Sound of Music.
Not for you, at least.
876
01:00:16,270 --> 01:00:18,602
So get used to it.
877
01:00:18,673 --> 01:00:21,608
Now I'm spinning
the Wheel of Fortune.
878
01:00:21,676 --> 01:00:24,509
Our face is as much mine
as yours.
879
01:00:24,579 --> 01:00:27,343
It's like time-sharing a condominium.
880
01:00:27,415 --> 01:00:30,282
You enjoyed it
for the first 40 years.
881
01:00:30,351 --> 01:00:33,286
Now I've come with my bags
to evict you.
882
01:00:34,689 --> 01:00:36,350
You think I'll let you?
883
01:00:36,424 --> 01:00:38,221
You have no choice.
884
01:00:38,292 --> 01:00:41,056
Killing me isn't your style.
885
01:00:41,129 --> 01:00:43,495
You're a conformist, Patrick.
886
01:00:43,565 --> 01:00:44,793
Don't call me Patrick.
887
01:00:44,866 --> 01:00:48,131
Get used to it.
You're Patrick now.
888
01:00:48,202 --> 01:00:51,194
You better go
before I tell the cops ...
889
01:00:51,272 --> 01:00:55,732
a thug claiming to be me
has raped my friends.
890
01:00:57,311 --> 01:00:58,437
You pig.
891
01:00:58,513 --> 01:01:01,277
Your time-sharing days
are numbered.
892
01:01:01,349 --> 01:01:04,113
I'm shutting down the condo.
Me, Michel Blanc!
893
01:01:04,185 --> 01:01:07,780
In 24 hours,
it won't be worth diddIy-squat!
894
01:01:21,002 --> 01:01:23,732
Mr. Blanc, can I help you?
895
01:01:25,039 --> 01:01:27,769
Show me a big, fat diamond necklace.
896
01:01:27,842 --> 01:01:30,242
Have a seat.
I'll call the manager.
897
01:01:34,682 --> 01:01:37,173
- What's going on?
- Bullshit.
898
01:01:37,252 --> 01:01:39,618
They're making
a cops-and-robbers movie.
899
01:01:39,687 --> 01:01:42,918
Typical TV fare:
violence, blood and guts.
900
01:01:42,991 --> 01:01:46,449
He was better with a moustache.
He got fat.
901
01:01:46,527 --> 01:01:49,291
It's normal.
All movie stars drink.
902
01:01:49,363 --> 01:01:50,796
Get down!
903
01:01:52,400 --> 01:01:54,595
Will you open the safe?
904
01:01:54,669 --> 01:01:56,102
Open it, goddamn it!
905
01:01:59,040 --> 01:02:01,099
Great special effects!
906
01:02:01,175 --> 01:02:04,338
The alarm went off.
The police won't be long.
907
01:02:04,412 --> 01:02:06,346
Will you tell them
what l did?
908
01:02:06,414 --> 01:02:11,408
I promise that if you leave now,
it will remain our secret.
909
01:02:11,485 --> 01:02:14,613
Don't be stupid.
You'll ruin your career.
910
01:02:14,689 --> 01:02:18,989
What if l want to ruin it?
That's my business, not yours.
911
01:02:19,060 --> 01:02:21,893
It's ours too.
We love your movies.
912
01:02:22,964 --> 01:02:24,693
Especially Santa Sucks!
913
01:02:24,765 --> 01:02:28,166
I wasn't in Santa Sucks!
Open the safe now!
914
01:02:33,374 --> 01:02:37,208
It's hard work.
I'd never have guessed.
915
01:02:41,582 --> 01:02:44,312
- Is there an exit?
- No,just offices.
916
01:02:44,385 --> 01:02:46,546
Too bad. Go down.
917
01:02:46,620 --> 01:02:48,554
Step on it.
918
01:03:26,428 --> 01:03:28,589
We'll make the 8 o'clock news.
919
01:03:28,662 --> 01:03:30,823
I'll call my wife.
What channel?
920
01:03:30,899 --> 01:03:33,663
I can't say.
All the bids aren't in yet.
921
01:03:33,735 --> 01:03:36,169
If you need me,
I'm in makeup.
922
01:03:37,671 --> 01:03:42,665
Michel was on a shoot when he heard.
He's overwhelmed.
923
01:03:42,743 --> 01:03:45,473
- I have to go.
- Where is he right now?
924
01:03:45,546 --> 01:03:49,505
In his apartment.
He'll make a statement at 20:1 5.
925
01:03:49,584 --> 01:03:52,951
Excuse me,
a man's life is at stake.
926
01:03:53,020 --> 01:03:54,851
So all ends well for him.
927
01:03:54,922 --> 01:03:57,652
It's awful
for all the innocent victims.
928
01:03:57,725 --> 01:03:59,420
But for us...
929
01:03:59,493 --> 01:04:03,589
his friends and family,
it's a huge relief.
930
01:04:03,664 --> 01:04:06,895
- No one suspected anything?
- Sure, I did.
931
01:04:06,968 --> 01:04:10,927
We thought it was stress.
It's a crazy business.
932
01:04:11,005 --> 01:04:13,872
I wanted him to dance, like me.
They're stubborn.
933
01:04:13,941 --> 01:04:16,603
I knew it,
but he wouldn't listen.
934
01:04:16,677 --> 01:04:17,837
She's just too smart.
935
01:04:17,912 --> 01:04:19,345
Tell us, Doctor...
936
01:04:19,413 --> 01:04:23,213
Is he insane?
Unbalanced? Sick?
937
01:04:23,284 --> 01:04:26,117
He came in,
claiming to be Michel Blanc.
938
01:04:26,187 --> 01:04:31,591
I immediately observed
the symptoms of the Zinss Syndrome:
939
01:04:26,187 --> 01:04:28,087
acute self-deprecation ...
940
01:04:33,628 --> 01:04:35,186
obsessional neuroses ...
941
01:04:35,262 --> 01:04:36,854
penile disgust.
942
01:04:38,332 --> 01:04:42,200
I wasn't alarmed.
It's common in show business.
943
01:04:42,270 --> 01:04:44,397
Can he plead insane?
944
01:04:52,480 --> 01:04:53,606
Bouquet.
945
01:04:54,915 --> 01:04:57,008
Detective, in five minutes ...
946
01:04:57,085 --> 01:04:58,780
I'll bring him out.
947
01:04:58,853 --> 01:05:01,048
First,
the courts are full.
948
01:05:01,122 --> 01:05:03,750
Second,
mind your own business.
949
01:05:03,824 --> 01:05:07,760
Perfect. In that case,
I'll do it without your okay.
950
01:05:08,930 --> 01:05:10,124
Stop her!
951
01:05:14,535 --> 01:05:15,763
Stop her, damn it!
952
01:05:25,446 --> 01:05:26,470
What happened?
953
01:05:26,547 --> 01:05:28,845
Seeing her for real
was too much.
954
01:05:35,156 --> 01:05:37,090
Guess who's here.
955
01:05:38,225 --> 01:05:41,251
I was shopping when I heard
you were here.
956
01:05:43,297 --> 01:05:46,460
I had an overpowering desire
to see you.
957
01:05:51,539 --> 01:05:53,564
Can I come down?
958
01:05:53,641 --> 01:05:55,575
Are you down there?
959
01:05:53,641 --> 01:05:56,109
I don't want to bother you either.
960
01:06:06,620 --> 01:06:09,453
We were a little hard on you
yesterday.
961
01:06:09,524 --> 01:06:12,493
I'd like to take some time
to talk a little.
962
01:06:14,528 --> 01:06:16,496
You know what we should do?
963
01:06:17,731 --> 01:06:20,666
Sneak away from everyone
and go to the sea.
964
01:06:25,840 --> 01:06:28,502
We could talk
and collect seashells.
965
01:06:30,011 --> 01:06:31,308
Okay, Patrick?
966
01:06:31,379 --> 01:06:34,439
I'm not Patrick!
And I'm not dumb!
967
01:06:34,515 --> 01:06:37,484
I think you're tired,
that's all.
968
01:06:38,219 --> 01:06:40,483
I too sometimes wonder
who I am.
969
01:06:40,554 --> 01:06:43,079
I know who l am.
Michel Blanc.
970
01:06:43,157 --> 01:06:45,591
Leave, Carole.
Don't be stupid.
971
01:06:45,659 --> 01:06:48,753
I've been dying
to do something stupid.
972
01:06:49,931 --> 01:06:51,592
Ever since...
973
01:06:51,665 --> 01:06:54,259
I felt your hot hands
on my chest.
974
01:06:55,436 --> 01:06:57,529
Maybe that's why I'm here.
975
01:06:57,605 --> 01:07:01,666
The more I see you,
the more my head spins.
976
01:07:02,743 --> 01:07:04,370
I'm going to faint.
977
01:07:05,279 --> 01:07:07,213
Stop hamming it up.
978
01:07:07,281 --> 01:07:09,306
I'm not acting.
979
01:07:09,383 --> 01:07:13,149
What is it like
when I lie down here, vulnerable?
980
01:07:13,220 --> 01:07:14,915
Like a defenseless victim.
981
01:07:14,989 --> 01:07:18,015
Carole, I'm Michel.
Please, believe me.
982
01:07:18,092 --> 01:07:20,959
Who cares who you are...
who I am...
983
01:07:21,028 --> 01:07:23,394
All I see are two bodies...
984
01:07:23,464 --> 01:07:25,728
terribly close to each other.
985
01:07:25,800 --> 01:07:27,563
Describe this evening.
986
01:07:28,402 --> 01:07:30,427
It's sweet, like in spring.
987
01:07:30,504 --> 01:07:32,768
I find it steamy and torrid.
988
01:07:32,840 --> 01:07:35,900
Like in Malaysia,
before the monsoon.
989
01:07:35,977 --> 01:07:37,706
If only we could strip.
990
01:07:37,778 --> 01:07:40,747
I'm suffocating.
Can't you feel it?
991
01:07:40,814 --> 01:07:42,076
Your belt is tight.
992
01:07:42,149 --> 01:07:45,607
No, my life is.
My role is suffocating me.
993
01:07:45,686 --> 01:07:49,247
I'm sick of being cold
and inaccessible.
994
01:07:49,323 --> 01:07:51,848
I'm sick of scaring people.
995
01:07:51,925 --> 01:07:56,726
I used to dream of sultry lambadas,
sweaty guys and rock concerts.
996
01:07:56,797 --> 01:07:59,960
Big, strong arms
that cage you in...
997
01:08:00,034 --> 01:08:02,628
protect you
and manhandle you.
998
01:08:02,703 --> 01:08:04,830
No one ever manhandles me.
999
01:08:04,905 --> 01:08:07,567
Manhandle me, Patrick.
Be vulgar.
1000
01:08:07,642 --> 01:08:09,371
What's so special about Balasko?
1001
01:08:09,443 --> 01:08:12,105
- I'm not Patrick.
- Fuck me like a secretary!
1002
01:08:30,197 --> 01:08:33,030
Sorry, Patrick.
I did it to save your life.
1003
01:08:33,100 --> 01:08:35,034
Yours and your mother's.
1004
01:08:35,102 --> 01:08:39,471
If someone's in trouble,
he should avoid you!
1005
01:08:39,540 --> 01:08:41,633
I knew he was the double ...
1006
01:08:41,709 --> 01:08:44,007
sol set off the alarm.
1007
01:08:45,646 --> 01:08:47,170
Press conference!
1008
01:08:48,249 --> 01:08:51,116
One day you'll thank me.
1009
01:08:51,185 --> 01:08:53,983
They'll give you
lots of nice little pills.
1010
01:08:54,054 --> 01:08:55,783
You'll feel great afterwards.
1011
01:08:55,856 --> 01:08:58,689
If you need me,
feel free to call.
1012
01:08:59,761 --> 01:09:01,854
You'll see.
It'll be like a vacation.
1013
01:09:21,916 --> 01:09:24,043
What a nice surprise.
1014
01:09:25,152 --> 01:09:27,746
Look, guys, he's back.
1015
01:09:30,691 --> 01:09:32,852
We missed you, you know.
1016
01:09:32,927 --> 01:09:36,556
Dede didn't eat for three days
after you left.
1017
01:09:37,264 --> 01:09:40,165
You got it wrong.
I'm not Michel Blanc.
1018
01:09:40,234 --> 01:09:41,792
Look. I'm smaller.
1019
01:09:41,869 --> 01:09:43,598
Fatter too.
1020
01:09:43,671 --> 01:09:44,933
We like you anyway.
1021
01:09:46,339 --> 01:09:47,772
Help!
1022
01:10:03,290 --> 01:10:05,383
Olivier, Patrick.
Warden's office.
1023
01:10:30,351 --> 01:10:33,013
- Have a seat.
- No, thank you.
1024
01:10:33,087 --> 01:10:38,252
Mr. Olivier, I hope you'll remember
your stay here fondly.
1025
01:10:43,927 --> 01:10:43,927
I also hope that these few months
have taught you something.
1026
01:10:39,627 --> 01:10:42,255
Remember you're always welcome.
1027
01:11:05,920 --> 01:11:08,684
- First name.
- Patrick.
1028
01:11:08,756 --> 01:11:11,156
Acting experience?
1029
01:11:11,225 --> 01:11:13,693
Lots, but I can't remember exactly.
1030
01:11:13,761 --> 01:11:17,288
Too bad.
You need a good memory to act.
1031
01:11:17,364 --> 01:11:20,026
I can be an extra.
To start with.
1032
01:11:20,100 --> 01:11:24,730
You won't be starting soon,
because I have nothing for you.
1033
01:11:24,805 --> 01:11:28,798
Go look on the board in there.
You never know.
1034
01:11:33,747 --> 01:11:35,612
I can act in English too.
1035
01:11:36,684 --> 01:11:39,710
I'm glad you mentioned it.
Spielberg calls often.
1036
01:13:36,904 --> 01:13:38,496
I read the ad.
1037
01:13:38,572 --> 01:13:42,201
- Whose double are you?
- Michel Blanc's.
1038
01:13:42,276 --> 01:13:43,971
- You think so.
- I'm tired.
1039
01:13:44,045 --> 01:13:45,376
With makeup...
1040
01:13:48,816 --> 01:13:51,478
Don't get your hopes too high.
1041
01:13:52,953 --> 01:13:54,420
Good-bye.
1042
01:14:00,594 --> 01:14:02,528
They didn't choose you.
1043
01:14:03,764 --> 01:14:06,597
I've been waiting.
I spotted you earlier.
1044
01:14:08,235 --> 01:14:10,465
- Were you also...
- Yes, sir.
1045
01:14:10,537 --> 01:14:11,799
You're Noiret's double?
1046
01:14:11,872 --> 01:14:15,000
Catherine Deneuve's,
but I have the flu.
1047
01:14:16,177 --> 01:14:18,338
I'm joking.
1048
01:14:18,412 --> 01:14:20,346
We can joke around.
1049
01:14:20,414 --> 01:14:22,644
Can I walk with you?
1050
01:14:22,716 --> 01:14:24,445
I have nowhere to go.
1051
01:14:24,518 --> 01:14:27,954
Perfect.
I'm going in that direction.
1052
01:14:39,633 --> 01:14:41,328
Why are we here?
1053
01:14:41,401 --> 01:14:43,335
Because we have to talk.
1054
01:14:46,274 --> 01:14:48,299
You're not eating.
1055
01:14:50,377 --> 01:14:53,904
You're depressing me.
You look down and out.
1056
01:14:54,982 --> 01:14:59,385
Have some cheese
if you don't like blood pudding.
1057
01:14:59,453 --> 01:15:02,650
After l have some nice Port wine.
1058
01:15:02,723 --> 01:15:06,215
We'll smoke a cigar
and talk things over.
1059
01:15:06,293 --> 01:15:08,625
I'm not hungry.
1060
01:15:08,695 --> 01:15:12,358
Of course you are.
Prison gives you an appetite.
1061
01:15:14,101 --> 01:15:15,693
Why do you say that?
1062
01:15:17,170 --> 01:15:19,161
Because you just got out of jail.
1063
01:15:20,407 --> 01:15:23,171
It always ends the same way.
1064
01:15:23,243 --> 01:15:25,177
The same old screenplay.
1065
01:15:27,081 --> 01:15:31,848
Look at me.
I am Philippe Noiret.
1066
01:15:31,919 --> 01:15:35,411
What happened to you
happened to me.
1067
01:15:35,489 --> 01:15:38,185
First they replace you
for the drudgery.
1068
01:15:38,258 --> 01:15:40,522
One day it goes too far.
1069
01:15:40,594 --> 01:15:43,529
The key doesn't fit in the lock.
1070
01:15:43,597 --> 01:15:45,861
You're thrown out
with the garbage.
1071
01:15:48,969 --> 01:15:50,561
So I'm not alone?
1072
01:15:50,637 --> 01:15:53,470
Of course you're not alone.
1073
01:15:53,540 --> 01:15:57,306
At first I liked it.
My wife was becoming a pain.
1074
01:15:59,713 --> 01:16:02,580
Then... you get used to it.
1075
01:16:02,649 --> 01:16:05,482
I won't accept it.
I want to fight back.
1076
01:16:05,553 --> 01:16:06,645
Fight back?
1077
01:16:06,720 --> 01:16:10,622
Why fight back?
Let me show you something.
1078
01:16:10,691 --> 01:16:12,283
May l row?
1079
01:16:19,099 --> 01:16:21,897
What was there before?
A movie theater.
1080
01:16:21,968 --> 01:16:23,799
Another one there.
1081
01:16:23,871 --> 01:16:28,205
Before, they sold love and adventure.
Now they peddle garbage.
1082
01:16:28,274 --> 01:16:29,832
There are theaters left.
1083
01:16:29,910 --> 01:16:31,775
There sure are!
1084
01:16:31,845 --> 01:16:35,747
Did you ever see what's playing?
Any French films?
1085
01:16:43,623 --> 01:16:46,023
That's what you hear now.
1086
01:16:46,093 --> 01:16:48,857
French cinema
is biting the dust.
1087
01:16:48,929 --> 01:16:52,296
We'll all end up mice
in their amusement parks.
1088
01:16:52,365 --> 01:16:54,299
Aren't you exaggerating?
1089
01:16:54,367 --> 01:16:56,358
Jesus fucking Christ!
1090
01:16:56,436 --> 01:16:59,462
Did you ever look at the figures?
1091
01:16:59,539 --> 01:17:03,441
You should.
Because they're not reassuring.
1092
01:17:03,510 --> 01:17:07,606
Come see the current state
of French cinema.
1093
01:17:12,853 --> 01:17:14,787
Look!
1094
01:17:14,855 --> 01:17:16,618
It's under there.
1095
01:17:16,690 --> 01:17:19,181
French cinema
is now the Unknown Soldier.
1096
01:17:28,168 --> 01:17:31,968
- Come on, Philippe.
- Isn't this like the French Oscars?
1097
01:17:32,039 --> 01:17:35,304
I have some money left.
Come have a coffee.
1098
01:17:37,911 --> 01:17:40,471
Do you see your movies with him?
1099
01:17:40,547 --> 01:17:44,540
Supposedly he does typical Noiret.
And you?
1100
01:17:45,752 --> 01:17:48,744
Go see the last one.
You'll enjoy it.
1101
01:17:48,822 --> 01:17:49,914
What is it?
1102
01:17:49,990 --> 01:17:53,448
It's about doubles.
With Carole Bouquet.
1103
01:17:54,828 --> 01:17:59,424
There are two guys there!
Can't you see them?
1104
01:17:59,499 --> 01:18:02,263
We're shooting a film here.
Please move.
1105
01:18:02,336 --> 01:18:03,928
Excuse us.
1106
01:18:06,940 --> 01:18:08,669
Camera!
1107
01:18:09,409 --> 01:18:12,071
The weather is simply delightful.
1108
01:18:12,145 --> 01:18:14,079
How about taking a walk?
1109
01:18:14,147 --> 01:18:15,512
Gentlemen...
1110
01:18:16,583 --> 01:18:19,677
would you be interested
in acting?
1111
01:18:19,753 --> 01:18:23,348
In my movie.
We need two waiters.
1112
01:18:24,258 --> 01:18:26,419
No, thank you.
1113
01:18:26,493 --> 01:18:28,927
Come on.
Let's not hang around.
1114
01:18:30,029 --> 01:18:31,519
Give them an inch...
1115
01:18:32,332 --> 01:18:33,799
What are the conditions?
1116
01:18:35,369 --> 01:18:36,393
Name your price.
1117
01:18:36,469 --> 01:18:39,370
Talk to our agents.
No less than 2500 a day.
1118
01:18:39,439 --> 01:18:42,966
Plus a per diem.
We're not from Paris.
1119
01:18:43,043 --> 01:18:44,533
We're based in London.
1120
01:18:44,611 --> 01:18:47,478
And a trailer too.
The trailer's important.
1121
01:18:47,547 --> 01:18:49,412
Take them to makeup.
1122
01:18:49,483 --> 01:18:51,417
We'll start once they're ready.
1123
01:18:53,854 --> 01:18:55,788
This way, guys.
73791
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
