Original subtitles

♪ Whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

- Careful.

- Ryan, I don't think I know how to French kiss,

and I need you to teach me.

- Ok. Teach you how?

- Well, demonstrate.

Kiss me and show me how it's done.

- Ok.

Wait, shouldn't you be doing this with your girlfriend?

- Oh, Evan?

She's too polite to tell me

that my kissing skills could improve,

but I know she wants me to be better.

- Yeah.

- Did she say something to you?

- What?

No.

No, she said nothing to me about you being a bad kisser.

- She said I was a bad kisser?

- She didn't.

But, ok, let's practice.

Kiss me like you kiss her.

(Gentle upbeat music) (Guests chattering)

- How was that?

- Great.

- I am a bad kisser.

- Maybe you should open your mouth a little,

relax your lips.

You wanna go from here to here.

- Ok.

(Bridget clears throat)

- Ok, it's like you're pecking.

Like muah, muah, little kisses,

which is super sweet, if that's what you're into.

- But that's no good?

- It's sort of like an extended version

of kissing your sister.

- Ew.

- Yeah, it's not hot.

Listen, open your mouth, relax your lips,

and follow my lead.

(Gentle upbeat music) (Guests chattering)

(Gentle synth-pop music)

- Wow, that was amazing!

Is that how it's supposed to be?

- Yes.

You probably should have figured that out

when you were like 13.

- I wasn't kissing a lot of girls when I was 13.

- That's what boys are for,

lifting heavy boxes and practicing making out.

- Oh, you're a wizard.

I can't wait to show Evan.

Or is that too much?

- Definitely try it on Evan.

She'll love it.

(Crowd cheers in another room)

So this has been super fun, and not at all boring,

but I'm gonna go mingle.

Why don't you go find Evan

and show her all this fun stuff I just taught you.

- Wha-are you kidding? I have so many questions.

What...

- Oh, look, my drink is almost gone.

Why don't you get me another one,

and I'll go talk to people who aren't you.

- Ryan.

You're the best friend a girl could have.

- Thanks.

I know.

(Gentle upbeat music) (Guests chattering)

- Why are we hiding away from the world?

- Because I have the good shit.

Out there they have snicklefritz.

And this, this is 27-year-old small batch Kentucky bourbon.

And I don't like to share. Ever.

- Well, you're sharing with me.

- That's because I'm one generous motherfucker.

I'm a god unto my people.

- This is older than I am.

How expensive is this?

- Very. It costs more than your dignity.

- Well, that's not saying much.

- Skal.

- Of course it is. It has ice in it.

- Hey, lezlords.

Hate to break up the gay-gay meeting,

but your girlfriend is out there making out with Ryan.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I think she's giving her kissing lessons out of pity.

- [Evan] Good. Let's hope it works.

- It's really sad, though.

You might wanna get out there and stop her

before she embarrasses herself anymore.

- Ok.

Listen, my dad gave this to me when I quit smoking.

It's very expensive.

Guard it with your life.

- Evan, you never quit smoking.

- He doesn't know that.

- You're beautiful. Never change.

- Hey, you wanna get fucked up?

- Uh, yeah.

- [Trista] Cool.

Have fun.

(Upbeat music) (Guests chattering)

♪ Make your feelings light like a feather ♪

♪ don't let it harden in this cold weather ♪

♪ we can be better friends ♪

♪ and for the enemies, it's not our end ♪

♪ you will see ♪

♪ we will be together ♪

♪ coming to the point ♪

♪ I apologize ♪

♪ no hard feelings ♪

♪ we're all right ♪

(Bridget gasps) - Excuse me.

Excuse me, miss.

I'd be careful walking around with two premium beverages

when this party's down to a six pack of wine coolers

and a bottle of manischewitz.

- Hm, I could attract some unsavory characters.

- Whose premium cocktail am I drinking?

Let me guess.

The spoiled little rich girl

whose external locus of identity needs constant validation?

- [Bridget] Validation is for parking, not people.

- Maybe the nurse practitioner and soon-to-be-divorcee

who readily expounds upon the virtues of anarcho-capitalism?

- Well, I once dabbled in anarchism myself.

Bear in mind I was 15 and obsessed with crass.

Say what you will about the convenience of its tenets,

but at least it's an ethos.

- Perhaps you'd go for the very emo Jewish girl

in the back room who's in dire need of companionship?

- At least now we know who brought the manischewitz.

What type are you?

- I hate to break it to you, miss,

but I am completely unavailable.

- How unfortunate. Who's the lucky lady?

Forgive me, I assume it's a woman of whom you're speaking.

- No apology necessary.

And yes, it is.

A beautiful, brilliant, remarkable woman.

- Tell me more.

- Blonde hair, blue eyes, about yea high.

She's a medieval scholar specializing in dark ages weaponry.

- She does sound remarkable.

And also very familiar.

Maybe you know her. Her name is Bridget.

- (Gasps) That's my name.

- She's supposed to be here tonight,

but I can't seem to find her.

- Oh, this could be dangerous.

She might see me flirting with you.

- Then what?

- Well, I'm sure she wouldn't want me taking what's hers.

I suppose I should seize the opportunity now

and kiss you while I can.

- I wouldn't wanna put you in harm's way.

- I think you're worth the risk.

♪ As rain on the city falls ♪

♪ the taste is bittersweet ♪

♪ restlessness ♪

- Yes, yes.

♪ A future far away ♪

♪ I'll travel into the unknown ♪

♪ to make sure you will see another day ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years for you ♪

♪ I would brave new frontiers for you ♪

♪ I would trade a thousand years for you ♪

♪ a thousand years ♪

♪ a thousand years ♪

♪ whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ through complication ♪

♪ whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ through the unknown ♪

♪ whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ determination ♪

♪ whoa-ho, whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ I'll make sure you'll never be alone ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years for you ♪

♪ I would brave new frontiers for you ♪

♪ I would trade a thousand years for you ♪

♪ a thousand years ♪

♪ a thousand years ♪

♪ whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years ♪

♪ whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ I would trade a thousand years ♪

♪ whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

(Glitching)

- Evan?

What is that?

(Objects clattering)

Evan.

I think there's someone in the kitchen.

I think there's someone in the kitchen.

- Huh?

- Get my ax.

Get my ax. Help me get my ax.

(Evan groans)

(Door creaks)

(Ryan screams)

- Oh my god!

I didn't mean to wake you guys up.

- How is she in here?

- I gave her a key and the code to the alarm system.

Sorry.

- Bridget, you look hot.

Is that la Perla?

- No, I'd rather have Victoria's secret

and an extra 500 bucks in my pocket.

- To what do we owe the honor of your home invasion?

- Guys, this is intense.

I've been poisoned.

- [Bridget] What?

- Yeah, someone tried to dose me.

- [Bridget] Who?

- I don't know.

But my drink tasted really funny,

and I felt really weird, so I left and came here.

- Do we need to take you to the hospital?

- No. I only had one sip.

I just feel way drunker than I should.

(Phone rings)

- Ok, well, what did you do with the rest of the drink?

- I gave it to Dov and told her to take care of it.

- Ryan, this is very important.

Now what exactly did you say to Dov?

- I told her to take care of it.

Oh, no.

(Upbeat music) (People chattering)

- What's happening?

- She's fucked up. Who knows?

Rope, g, k.

- [Dov] L, m, n, o, p.

- Oh my god, it's all my fault.

(Dov laughs)

- [Trista] I knew you idiots had a hand in this.

- I didn't know.

Someone roofied me, and I gave it to Dov,

and I guess I didn't make it clear.

- Trista, you're a nurse.

What's the prognosis?

- [Trista] It depends on how much she had.

- Just one drink.

- Shouldn't we call the police?

I mean, we need to figure out who did this.

- [Trista] The police don't give a shit about us.

- Is that true?

- [Evan] Will she be needing medical attention?

- Just keep an eye on her.

- [Dov] You know, I can hear everything you're saying.

- How is she still conscious?

- She must have not had enough to pass out.

- I have a strong constitution.

I've built up a really high tolerance

to controlled substances.

- Get those people out of here.

Stay.

- [Ryan] The party's over.

- [Trista] Everyone get the fuck out.

- What? - Get out.

- [Woman] Why?

- Come on, babe. - Come on, get out.

Out! Everybody, get out!

Now!

(Crowd muttering)

Everyone, out, out.

Now.

Come on.

(Crowd muttering)

Come on.

(Dov laughs)

- I don't know if I'm laughing so much because I'm so high

or because I'm dying.

- Oh, you're not dying.

- We're all dying.

- She's being fatalistic. That's a good sign.

- That's it.

My girl. I got you.

- Evan, there's something really major

I wanna tell you right now.

(Dov wretches)

- Did you know they had bras in the 14th century?

- Does that mean they also had second base?

(Bridget laughs)

I have some news.

- Oh.

- My father is running for senate.

- State or-

- U.S. senate. And he wants me to be campaign chair.

- Governor wasn't enough?

- For my father, nothing is ever enough.

- Must run in the family.

You have to do it.

- I will. There's one catch.

He can't win as a democrat again.

This time he has to run as-

- a libertarian?

- As a republican.

- You can't support a republican candidate.

- I can if he's my dad.

He'll be republican in name only.

He's a huge supporter of gay rights.

Everyone knows his daughter's a homo.

- A major one.

What about women's rights, and abortion rights,

and immigrant rights.

- I'm not an immigrant.

- Your grandparents were.

- Someone's gonna chair his campaign.

It might as well be me.

- I just don't want you to do something

you're later going to regret.

- Regret is my favorite pastime.

Every day I can pass along to him

your marxist feminist dialectic.

- Ooh. I love it when you talk nerdy to me.

- You keep doing that, don't you?

Marry me.

- I have other plans for today.

Mm, you taste so sweet.

- You taste better than being thin feels.

(Objects crashing)

Is there another intruder in the house?

- The very same one.

I let Ryan in after you crashed last night.

She didn’t wanna sleep alone in her new apartment.

- We're not running a social services agency.

- I don't know about you guys,

but I am ready for some vodka.

Morning.

(Upbeat synth-pop music)

So I get some phone call from England, collect,

and it's some nurse from some hospital

informing me that my father is on his deathbed.

- God, Ryan. I'm so sorry.

- I'm not.

The old bastard has been alive long enough.

I'm ready for him to kick the bucket

so I can collect my inheritance.

- I thought you guys got along pretty well.

- We have a fabulous arrangement.

He pays me five grand a month,

and his embarrassment of a homosexual daughter

stays on a different continent and out of his life.

- Oh, I didn't know it was that bad.

- Could be worse.

When I graduated, his initial offer was 3,000.

- Hey, babe.

Have a nice day, ladies.

- Where's my kiss?

(Bridget laughs)

Hey, is Evan going to work?

But it's Saturday.

Wait, sorry. Since when does Evan have a job?

- Since her dad's running for senate.

And now she's a republican.

- Oh my god.

She's a sellout.

What happened to her dead-dog-dyke-democrat?

- She's rolling over and playing conservative.

And she keeps pushing me to marry her.

- I know.

She won't stop talking about it.

Don't you want to?

- Yeah, just not now.

- [Ryan] You're gonna need some of this.

- Oh, glad to see last night didn't put you off your game.

- What do you mean?

- You got roofied.

- Oh, right.

- Yeah.

Well, so here's to getting married, then.

And selling out.

- Aren't those the same thing?

- Why does the universe go through all the bother

of existing at all?

- Having a bout of existential despair, I see.

- What's the purpose of life?

- That's a yes.

Well, most losers, present company included,

would say it's love.

- Wrong, love is a capitalist scheme

that is prepackaged and pedaled to the masses.

It's the perfect racket.

It's selling dreams for cash.

- I thought you'd be happy once Evan got you

that job at the newspaper.

- Typing up engagement announcements isn't writing,

although I would recommend it to our government

as a form of torture.

- You are so emo.

You just need to get laid.

- Love is an illusion.

- So what is it then?

- What's what?

- [Trista] Your original question. The purpose of life.

- I don't know.

- I do.

It's to have as much fun as you can

before we're all sent to burn in hell.

(Upbeat synth music) (Static glitching)

Up for some divorce proceedings?

- Nice to see you, too.

- Good to be back.

I like what you've done with the place, I guess.

(Upbeat synth-pop music)

And here I thought this wasn't gonna be an amicable divorce.

(Upbeat synth-pop music)

(Thunder rumbling)

- Come in.

Come in.

I don't think you've seen this place since I moved here.

- Business must be booming in the tattoo industry.

- This world is full of UN-inked flesh.

I'm gonna change real fast.

Make us a drink, or one for each of us.

You know what I'm saying.

- Ryan, how are you affording all this?

- [Ryan] Oh, you know, things are going really well

at the shop, and my dad helps me financially.

- Bridget was telling me about that.

She's worried about you.

- [Ryan] Why? I'm doing fabulously.

- Would you like to mix that with something, or...

- I like it straight.

Pretty much the only thing I like straight.

Have a seat.

- Tell me why I suddenly feel like

I need to have a cigarette.

- I'm about to drop a truth bomb.

- In your own home?

That's an act of domestic terrorism.

Bombs away.

- Dov, you have a major problem.

- Why do I feel like I'm at an intervention?

- Because I'm interventioning you.

- Ok, what's my drug of choice?

- I want you to know that I understand you better

than you realize.

I think about you all the time,

about what your life must be like,

and I know what your problem is.

- This should be spectacular.

- You're madly in love with Evan.

(Dov coughs)

- Evan?

- Yes. You're in love with her.

- I'm sorry, did someone just turn on the bat hit signal?

- Like I said, I've given a lot of thought

to your life situation, and I've had some major insights.

- Enlighten me.

- You need a girl who's gonna treat you like a lady.

- As opposed to?

- As opposed to most girls

who take one look at your bad girl persona

and immediately turn into pillow princesses and starfish.

- Starfish?

- They take their arms and their legs

and they make you do all the work.

You need someone who will open doors for you,

put her hand on the small of your back,

grab you by the back of your head, and kiss you,

all the things a girl needs to make her feel like a woman,

and you know that Evan can do that for you.

- Sounds like you're the one that's in love with her.

- Please. Me?

If I wanted Evan, I'd have had her already.

Look, I get it, Evan is our fearless leader,

but she's also in a serious, longest of terms relationship

with my best friend.

- Ryan, there are delusional states,

and then there's full on psychosis.

- Prove it.

Kiss me.

- No, I'm not Bridget.

- You heard about that?

Kissing lessons out of pity?

- It got around.

A concept I'm sure you're familiar with.

- Come on.

Everyone wants to kiss me,

unless they're in love with Evan.

- Once again, you've taken this too far.

- Let's take it farther.

This is the kind of initiative you need to show

when you're pursuing women.

(Ryan screams)

Oh my god.

If you weren't you, I'd be totally turned on right now.

- Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

- You're not leaving, are you?

- While I appreciate your attempted analysis of my psyche,

your conclusion couldn't be further from reality.

- I know you're not telling the truth.

You can lie to me, and you can lie to the whole world,

but the one person you can't lie to is yourself.

- On the contrary, I excel in that department.

And on that note, I bid you adieu.

- Apparently Cleopatra wasn't the only queen of de-nile.

(Upbeat synth-pop music)

- I miss this.

- Yeah, well, don't get any ideas.

- Hm?

- This was a one-time thing.

A one-night stand.

- How do you have a one-night stand with your wife?

- Until this divorce is final, we are married in name only.

Wait, you didn't think

we were getting back together, did you?

- Gee, Paige.

When you attacked me when I walked in the door

and we made mad, passionate love,

yes, I thought maybe our relationship status was changing.

- So immature.

This is exactly why I'm divorcing you.

- What the fuck?

- Grow up. You know better.

- No, Paige. Tell me.

- Why am I divorcing you?

Maybe it's because you're never awake before noon.

Or the constant partying.

Or maybe it's the white stuff

you're constantly shoving up your nose.

- I'm a nurse.

I have to stay alert.

I keep kids alive.

- Don't hide behind the pillar of altruism.

- You just stand there and criticize me, easier for you.

You've never experienced that kind of pressure.

Yeah, I like nose candy.

- I should have been a bigger priority.

- Than the kids dying in the pediatric ward?

- Yeah, like when I asked you to quit blow,

you should have, for us.

- For you.

Fuck. Paige, you are so selfish.

Why am I still in love with you?

- Don't ask me, 'cause I am certainly not in love with you.

- This is heavier than I thought it'd be.

- (Bridget laughs) Well, yeah.

They didn't have refined steel yet, duh.

(Bridget laughs)

By the late 12th century,

so the swords in Western Europe

had evolved into cruciform weapons

with circular wheel pommels, usually,

and normally with a Fuller or blood groove

running down the center.

- I feel like wonder woman.

(Laughs)

- Coffee's ready.

- Can I set this down?

- [Bridget] Only with great caution.

- Ok.

Do I act like I'm attracted to Evan?

- What? No.

Where'd you even get that idea?

- Uh, Ryan believes I'm secretly in love with her.

- Oh, Ryan.

She certainly has a flare for the dramatic, doesn't she?

I mean, she should be writing episodes for "dynasty."

(Laughs) Unless there's something you're not telling me.

Oh, Ryan. I worry about her.

I mean the situation with her father,

it's like everyone's got something to hide,

like we're all keeping a secret

we desperately need to stay concealed.

- I wouldn't know anything about that.

(Bridget winces and screams)

- How is it that I can restore ancient weaponry

but I can't make a cup of coffee without injuring myself?

- Because you focus on things you love,

like weapons and friends, with such intensity

that not pouring scalding hot water on yourself

just simply fades into the background.

- Well, maybe I'm just clumsy.

- Well, clumsy on you is adorable.

- You would be such a good girlfriend.

Why don't you start dating? Put yourself out there?

- I don't believe in the grand idea of romance.

- Well, surely you've been in love before.

- Do you know how to make the coffee with the foam?

- Don't evade the topic.

- When I was in high school,

there was a girl, Whitney Merritt.

She was a senior, I was a sophomore,

and she would drive me home every day from school

in her red mustang so I didn't have to take the bus.

She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen,

and I convinced myself that we were destined to be together,

and at the end of the school year, I professed my love.

- And?

- Well, I never heard from her again.

She went to the Hamptons for the summer,

and then straight to a private women's college.

And I'm still looking for her,

but not her specifically,

'cause that would be creepy.

But I'm looking to feel that way

I felt about her with someone else.

In that sense, I guess, I'll always be chasing Whitney.

- So this is where you got all the angst

that inspired you to become a writer?

- I'm afraid it did.

Yeah, my mom could tell I was really emotionally devastated,

and we didn't have much,

but she bought me this used lime green ibook

into which I just poured my soul.

- And through which you began your journey

to becoming one of the great novelists of our time.

- More like my journey to writing engagement announcements

and other forms of drivel.

Yeah, what I need is inspiration.

I'm currently stuck in writer's gridlock.

- Maybe what you need is to, you know.

- Get laid?

Yeah, that seems to be the consensus.

- Hello, ladies.

- Aw.

- Hello, dear.

Productive day in zee noo Germany?

(Dov chuckles)

- (Gasps) What is it?

- Something medieval.

(Bridget gasps)

Time for a middle east peace conference.

- Ok.

(Tape whirring)

- I have to marry Bridget.

Now. - Why?

Did you get her knocked up?

Kidding.

What's the rush?

- Dov, when you meet the girl of your dreams,

and you look into her eyes,

you'll understand that the most important thing

is never letting her go.

- I wouldn't know anything about that, either.

- I'm gonna kill myself.

- It's only coffee, Evan.

Oops, you did it again.

Who is she?

- An intern at my father's campaign headquarters.

- Oh, I hate cliches.

How old?

- She's in college.

- Not what I asked.

- 19.

- Oh, you like to play the low numbers.

- I like to win.

- It's not a casino.

- It's a game. It's all a game.

- And I'm just thinking that

if you can't stop screwing around,

you should probably let Bridget go and find someone else.

(Evan moans)

- I just need her to marry me.

- Do you really feel that marriage

will make you stopped cheating on Bridget?

- Yes.

Hey, this girl, she didn't touch me.

It was a one way street, you understand?

- And you're driving down it in the wrong direction.

What's your philosophy, Evan?

Eating isn't cheating?

- It's entirely historically inaccurate.

And I love it. (Chuckles)

- Baby.

- I'm just gonna wear it all the time.

♪ Floating around in silence ♪

♪ we're hanging on the dream up here ♪

♪ we're floating around in silence ♪

♪ we're hanging on the dream up here ♪

♪ we're floating around in silence ♪

♪ we're hanging on the dream up here ♪

- Hey.

- [Bridget] Hey. Did Dov leave?

- No, she left right after we ate.

- I didn't notice.

- Thank you.

- Uh...

Your eyes are blue torch light.

Ice-kissed frostfire.

My wasted heart melts there.

- That's, uh, you know, it's cute,

like a middle school love note or something.

- Ice-kissed frostfire?

You wrote this for me?

- No, you wrote it for me.

Oh, shit. Or didn't you?

- Evan, that's not even my handwriting.

- You're saying you didn't write that?

- Where did you find that?

- Just in the kitchen.

Just over there.

- Somebody wrote it.

Looks like you have a secret admirer.

- They're out of luck,

because I have eyes only for you.

(Upbeat synth-pop music)

(Ladies moaning)

(Telephone rings)

No, no.

Let it ring, let it ring.

(Telephone rings)

- But the answering machine is full.

Hello?

- Hey, Bridget.

Is Evan there?

- Evan Dever.

- Evan! It's Ryan.

I'm locked out of my house.

- What time is it?

- Please!

I was out partying with these Iranian guys.

No offense.

- None taken.

- And we were doing blow all night,

and I got that feeling, you know?

The one that says leave now.

So I got out of there, but my keys aren't in my clutch,

and I don't wanna go back alone.

I thought maybe since you're Arab...

- Iranians are Persian, not Arab.

- Oh.

Oh, right!

- Don't worry about it.

- I think you can reason with them

since you're, you know, middle eastern?

Please, come get me.

- I'm on my way.

- Do you speak Arabic?

- No.

(Evan moans)

(Evan moaning)

- Hello?

(Sirens blaring) (Car horns honking)

(Static crackling)

(Gentle synth music)

(Crickets chirping)

(Car horn honks)

- You were so good at reasoning with them.

Evan Dever, you're my hero.

Do you wanna come inside?

Stay up and party all night, like the old days?

- I have to be at work in three hours.

How'd you afford this?

- My daddy hates me.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- I live next door. I'm Misha.

- [Evan] Evan.

- Are you Ryan's new girl?

- Oh, no. We're good friends.

- That's what they all say.

Can you light me one of those, cowboy?

- How about I give you this one, cowgirl?

- Sure.

Thanks.

- Think nothing of it.

- You're up late.

- Uh, yeah, we're just...

- Wanna come over to my place, hang out?

- I have to be up early.

- Ok, well, you know where to find me.

- Hey!

Come on.

(Gentle upbeat synth music)

- You know, cocaine is god's way of telling you

you have too much money.

- I don't need god to tell me I'm rich.

- You need to be careful.

I've seen a lot of pretty girls

ruin their looks with this stuff.

- Well, then it's a lucky thing

I don't plan on living past 30.

- You have some on your nose.

- It's ok. I'm gonna keep doing it.

God blessed me with good looks

and cursed me with the knowledge

that they would one day fade.

- There's no reason to rush prophecy.

- How come you and I never got together?

- [Evan] We've been over this.

- Come on. We'd be so cute.

- Because a player can't get played.

(Ryan grunting)

- Which one of us is the player in this scenario?

- We both are.

Additionally, I happen to be madly in love

with your best friend, whom I also plan on marrying.

- What's with you saying whom all the time?

I went to the same school as you and I can't do that.

- I was paying attention in class.

- [Ryan] I doubt you even showed up.

- I finished four years in three

and never even cracked a textbook.

- Showoff.

I'm cold.

Get on the bed.

I don't know, it's just,

it's nice having someone like me for me.

- Bridget likes you for you.

- It's different.

She's not a boy.

You're a boy, Evan.

That's why I called you.

I wanted a boy to take care of me.

We have the best group, don't we?

You're the king, Bridget's the queen.

I'm definitely the Princess.

- What are Dov and trista?

- Hm.

The court jesters.

Hey, Evan?

- Mm-hm?

- There's something I need to tell you.

- You know you can tell me anything.

- You're right.

I can always count on you.

(Upbeat synth-pop music)

Hey, can you stay?

Like at least until I'm asleep?

- That won't be for a few days.

- Fair point.

Do you think you could at least sleep here tonight?

I'd feel a lot safer.

- You're paranoid from all the coke.

- Do you think Bridget'll mind?

'Cause I can call her right now and tell her.

- Bridget forced you to give her kissing lessons.

She'll be fine.

- Hey, Evan?

- Mm-hm?

- I love you.

- I love you too, sweetheart.

- And not in a gay way.

(Dov panting)

(Dov moans)

- No, no, no,

no, no!

(Dov screams)

(Dov screams)

(Phone rings)

Dov isn't here right now.

Would you like to leave a message?

- Where the fuck are you?

You know how much this party means to Bridget.

- What time is it?

- Were you asleep?

Were you dreaming of Evan?

- I hate myself.

- You love someone who doesn't love you.

And I thought writers didn't like cliches.

- It's also a cliche that I hate myself.

- Hang on.

- Dov, you know how much this party means to Bridget.

- [Ryan] That's what I said.

- I'm dying.

- You're not dying.

You just can't think of anything better to do.

- Tell her to take some gas-x.

- Get dressed and get the fuck over here.

- The king has spoken.

Hello?

(Upbeat music)

- Oh!

You look amazing! This is hilarious!

- [Guest] Thank you.

(Bridget laughs)

- Where's your costume? This is not good enough.

- Whatever.

- Oh, Ryan!

- You need to wear your glasses.

- Oh, well, they make me look like a nerd,

and they're historically inaccurate.

(Ladies laugh)

- Dov is coming.

- Oh, thanks for calling her.

I didn't even realize she wasn't here.

- So apparently my dad is in some kind of

induced coma state.

I don't get it.

I thought in Europe they had laws where they let people die.

- He wants that?

Euthanasia?

- Youth in Asia?

What do they have to do with it?

(Upbeat synth-pop music)

- [Man] Hey!

- Dov.

- Time for a mid-east summit?

- I need to unburden my conscience.

Do you take confessions?

- Do I look like a priest?

- You look poor and celibate.

- Close enough. What's up?

- It's my intern. Now she says she's in love with me.

I have to see her every day.

I don't know how to handle it.

- Why don't you be a big boy

and stop committing adultery with your teenage subordinate?

- It's not adultery unless you're married.

Until Bridget accepts my offer,

I have no reason to decline any others.

- I'll tell you what, say three hail Marys,

four our fathers, and pray that there's a god

who will absolve you of your sins.

- You know what I like about you?

- Can't wait.

- You always tell it like it is.

You never lie.

You're a straight shooter.

- Not so sure about the straight part, but...

(Upbeat music) (Guests chattering)

(Upbeat synth-pop music)

- Hey, over here.

I want you to meet my neighbor's daughter.

She's Jewish too.

Misha!

Misha!

Misha, this is Dov.

I was telling you about her.

- I like your haircut.

- Thanks. No one never says that.

- Really? That's the first thing I noticed.

- Spectacular.

I like your bonnet.

- [Bridget] Um.

Truth.

- What are your numbers?

- [Bridget] Hmm.

Well, I knew I was a lesbian in high school,

but I didn't come out 'til college,

which is where I met Evan.

But then I moved to Puerto Rico

to live my dad for a few years,

and they're really conservative there,

but I kept in touch with Evan,

so eventually she offered to pay for grad school

if I came back.

- So what's your answer?

- Oh, just Evan.

Just one.

- [Trista] Mm-mm.

- [Trista] No, you're lying.

- [Ryan] She's not. She would've told me.

- [Trista] Do you think about other women?

Well, I mean, yeah.

I think about other women, but I love Evan.

- Wow, that's super-deep.

- Ok, so who's next?

- Uh, Ryan.

- Yes. Dare.

- Uh, kiss Evan.

- Fuck yeah.

(Ladies laugh)

- [Trista] Oopsie Daisy.

- [Ryan] My turn.

Dov. Truth or dare?

- Truth.

- [Ryan] You sure about that?

- No.

Dare.

I choose dare.

(Gentle upbeat music)

- [Ryan] Kiss Evan.

(Ladies laugh)

- [Dov] No.

- Kiss Evan. - No.

- [Ryan] That's your dare. You have to do it.

- I'm not.

- Why? Is there something wrong with Evan?

- [Dov] I just don't want to.

Give me another dare.

- That's not how it works.

Do you think I wanted to kiss Evan?

- [Dov] Yeah, I think you did.

- Poor example.

- Oh, come on.

You're gonna make her feel bad.

- Stop. She doesn't have to kiss me.

- Yes, she does.

If I'd welshed on every dare I got in high school,

I wouldn't be the woman I am today.

(Trista laughs)

- I think you're arguing against your own point.

- [Evan] Ok.

- Aw! - Aw!

- [Ryan] Good job, Evan.

Was that so bad?

- [Trista] Ooh!

(Ladies laugh)

- [Dov] There.

Bridget, Evan, thank you for having me.

- [Ryan] Come on!

You're not leaving.

- [Ryan] Come back.

Come back!

- Aw.

Bye, Felicia.

(Ladies laughing)

Well, that was a plateful of awkward.

- It was like being kissed

by a 12-year-old version of myself.

(Trista laughs)

Gotta disinfect.

- Drink it, drink it all. - Disinfect.

'Cause you're a nurse.

- Kill the bottle. - Administer, administer.

- Here, I got you.

I'm just gonna lick it up.

- Hey! Wait up!

- What were you thinking?

- I did you a favor.

- You humiliated me. I'm not in love with Evan!

What's it gonna take to get that

through your pretty little skull?

- De-nile ain't just a river in Egypt.

Maybe one kiss from your lips is all it would take

and Evan would decide to leave Bridget forever.

- If only.

Aren't you the one who's supposed to be looking out

for her best interests?

- What makes you think I'm not?

- Where'd that come from?

- I had lunch at Evan's office last week.

I got a look at Evan's intern.

More specifically, I got a look at the way

that Evan looks at her intern.

I don't know if she's done anything or not,

but I know Evan, and I know people,

and I know that the one thing

that people never ever do is change.

Listen, this has been a little too much reality

for one night.

I like substances, and I like abusing them.

- I don't know, Ry.

- Some dweezoid left a mondo of purple urkel at my place.

It's yours for the taking.

As am I.

- Purple urkel?

- I cordially invite you to a night of bad decisions

and debauchery at my apartment.

(Dov sighs)

- Then I cordially accept.

But I'm still mad.

- I can live with that.

- Are you gonna try to seduce me again?

- Depends. Do you want me to?

- Yeah. (Ryan laughs)

(Upbeat synth music)

(Neon light zaps)

(Gong crashes)

- Hey, jewbu.

- This isn't Buddha, this is Shiva.

- I thought you were in an exclusive relationship

with the god of Abraham.

- I took an Asian philosophy class in college.

I didn't understand a word of it,

but it was graded on a curve,

so I passed with flying colors.

- And what brought on this bout of religious bi-curiosity?

- I'm trying again to write my novel.

And failing again to come up with a single word.

- And how is this ritual helping you?

- Clearly, you understand nothing about the writing process.

- I saw Paige yesterday.

- How'd it go?

- I didn't talk to her.

- You can't keep standing outside of your old house

and spying on her.

- [Trista] Why not?

- What are you afraid of?

- Dying alone.

- I think we're in the same boat.

More like a sinking ship.

Except I've long accepted the fact

that the woman who owns my heart

will never return my feelings.

- Which bitch are you in love with?

- That's between me and my god.

Which god, I haven't decided yet.

- If you're obsessed with some unattainable girl,

you have to profess to her your love.

- I'd rather keep writing engagement announcements

for the rest of my natural born life.

- [Trista] So much irony in that.

- You could offer me a million dollars

to write a book right now.

I wouldn't be able to come up with a single thing.

- I know what you need to write a book about.

Write a book about a group of lesbians

who are constantly creating unnecessary

and neurotic problems

to keep them from dealing with their terrifying problems,

like reality.

- Come on. No one would read that.

- I'm getting a promotion at the museum.

- That's so great.

- And I might even be getting a fellowship in Romania.

- Are you still gonna have a big gay republican wedding?

- God, I don't even wanna think about it.

- Can I be a bridesmaid?

No one ever asks me to be a bridesmaid.

- Ugh, I'm just so unsure.

- But you and Evan have a fairytale romance.

- Oh, I love Evan, I do.

Ice-kissed frostfire?

- What?

- Nothing.

Ok, someone wrote Evan an anonymous love note.

- Oh my god.

- Yeah. - That's so pathetic.

- You don't know anything about it, do you?

- Mm.

That's so good.

Where'd you learn to make coffee like this?

- Late nights in stuffy museums.

A person will resort to desperate measures.

- Desperate measures is my area of expertise.

- [Bridget] Hey, Ryan. How's your dad?

- Still hanging on, the old bastard.

- I'm worried about you.

You don't seem bothered that your dad is going to die.

- I'm very bothered.

Once I collect my inheritance,

it's gonna put me in an entirely new tax bracket.

- Well, that's the other thing.

You seem obsessed with getting his money.

- Once I become rich,

and I mean rich, rich,

I'll never have to work another day of my life.

I'll just be tattooing for shits and giggles.

Evan's paying your tuition for grad school, right?

- Yeah, but it's just temporary.

When I get my career going, I'm gonna pay her back.

- And you're not paying rent to live with her?

- I tried.

I insisted, actually, but she wouldn't hear of it.

She refused to take anything from me,

because we're in love.

- What a world.

- Yeah.

The world's crazy, right?

- No.

I meant yours.

(Vhs tape whirring)

(Gentle upbeat music)

- I'm thinking June 1st.

That'll give you enough time to prepare.

You'll have a wedding planner to assist you, of course.

- I just got a promotion. I barely have time as it is.

- I'm thinking a garden wedding.

I can see it now.

Our lesbian nuptials will be

the republican social gathering of the year.

- Do you want a wedding ceremony or a political gathering

worthy of CNN coverage?

- I can see it now.

The Republicans can sit on my side of the aisle,

and since your family isn't coming, sorry,

any wayward democrats who appear can sit on yours.

- [Bridget] Ugh.

- Evan, ok, do you mind if I say something offensive?

- Just when I thought this conversation

couldn't get any more interesting.

- Ok.

Ok.

Look, I've never seen a whiter Arab than you.

I've never seen a whiter person than you.

I mean, it's all too easy, with your golden locks,

and your fair skin, to avoid discrimination.

- What about you?

You think in a million years,

anyone would ever think you're gay from looking at you?

Because that's what I have to live with.

Every person who sees me sees a dyke.

- [Bridget] It's not a competition.

- My point is that this is a case of the pot

calling the kettle white.

- As sure as the day is long, they will fuck you.

They will fuck you, and me, and every gay,

and lesbian, and brown, and black person.

You are delusional if you think

you're gonna come out ahead on this.

- Now tell me how you really feel.

- Come on.

- Bridget, that's just background noise.

Let's get married and start an exciting new chapter

in our lives.

- Do you know many happily married people, Evan?

Because I don't.

(Bridget sighs)

This house is falling apart.

- You know, I think you wanted to redo the house,

so you threw that Halloween party

knowing how much damage it would wreak.

(Bridget laughs)

- We need to redo the carpets.

The walls need new paint.

- I need to get an estimate on the foundation.

- Yeah.

Let's fix the foundation first.

(Electricity crackles)

♪ Play that movie ♪

♪ I want you to smile ♪

♪ shut all the worries ♪

♪ dream away for awhile ♪

♪ the look you had ♪

♪ in your eyes back then ♪

♪ we'll pretend ♪

♪ it's '85 again ♪

♪ play the tape ♪

♪ make me feel like I'm home ♪

♪ take me back again ♪

♪ to see the look of that chrome ♪

♪ the power of love is back on the screen ♪

♪ and we'll have '85 again ♪

(Upbeat music)

- Ryan, Ryan.

Your hands are shaking. - It's freezing in here.

Would it kill you to pay your heating bill?

- Just, just...

No, don't stab out my eye.

My insurance plan sucks!

- [Ryan] Damn!

- [Dov] How is your dad?

- Ugh! He won't die.

Did I tell you why I became a tattoo artist?

It was to punish him.

I got this fancy degree in art history

that cost him a fortune,

and now I use it to give people

something they'll regret for the rest of their lives,

like he regrets having me.

Bridget, you are so beautiful.

If I were you, I wouldn't give a second thought

to the intern at Evan's office.

You're much prettier than she is.

Oh!

Excuse me.

- It's like a "don't do drugs, kids" psa.

(Upbeat rock music)

- Attention!

(Record skips) Attention!

Ladies and gentlemen and everyone else.

I have an announcement!

Bridget! Bridget!

Where are you, baby?

I know most girls...

Here you go.

I know most girls lose their virginity on prom night,

but tonight, I'm hoping my true love

will make an honest fella out of me.

- She's wasted.

- This has been burning a hole in my pocket for weeks.

Bridget, will you do me the extraordinary honor

of becoming my bride?

(Crowd chattering)

- Evan, you're drunk.

- It's sapphire, to match your eyes.

- There's something we need to talk about first.

What are we gonna do about

all your late nights at the office?

- What do you mean? - [Trista] Oh, shit.

- I'm talking about all the special attention

you've been giving your intern.

(Guests gasp)

- You told her!

Why would you tell her?!

- [Bridget] Evan, stop. Let her go!

Tell me what?

- It wasn't me!

- [Bridget] She didn't tell me anything.

You just told me everything.

- [Evan] It's all right. She's...

She's always liked playing hard to get.

(Record skips) (Music starts again)

- [Trista] Hey, it's all right.

It's not a party until something gets broken.

- Yeah, like my neck.

(Upbeat music)

(Crickets softly chirping)

- Thanks for letting me stay here.

I really didn't wanna go home tonight.

- Are you sure you wanna stay here?

I mean, I can take the sofa. No problem.

- Oh, I don't wanna do that to you.

I don't wanna kick you out of your bed.

- No, I mean, it's actually totally ok.

- What is that?

- Oh, uh, that.

Oh.

That's a long story.

Um...

Also the closest thing I've had to a woman

in my bedroom in a long time,

well, in this house, in forever.

- As long as it's not a sex doll.

- Oh, no. That would be weird.

- Weirder than having a mannequin in your bedroom?

(Bridget laughs)

- When I was in college, I was a creative writing major

who was thoroughly invested in her art,

and in hopes of attracting young ladies,

I came up with this backstory

that the reason my dad spiraled into alcoholism

was because he lost his job at a mannequin factory.

- I bet the lady's couldn't resist.

Is any of that true?

- Only the alcoholism part.

Oh, I didn't mean to go there.

While we're on the topic, would you care for a bourbon?

- Uh, sure.

Oh, "the dummies' guide to the dark ages."

I didn't know you were into medieval stuff.

- Uh, yeah, that's...

- "Let me show you how a kiss should taste."

- Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I'm not ready for anyone to see that.

- Oh, it's still in utero?

(Dov chuckles)

Do you have a book full of photos of Ryan somewhere,

or maybe a secret stash of photos

on each one of your friends?

- No, you're my one and only.

(Silently winces)

- "Your eyes are blue torch light."

- "Ice-kissed frostfire."

- [Both] "My wasted heart melts there."

- It was you?

- Yeah.

- You wrote that for Evan.

- No, no.

I wrote that for you.

For you to find.

When you're alone and you think no one's watching,

you get this look on your face,

and I always wonder what you're thinking,

because you look so sad.

But your eyes, they just,

they turn the most remarkable shade of blue.

- You noticed that?

- Bridget, nothing about you has ever escaped my attention.

- Maybe if you stare at her house long enough,

she'll decide she doesn't wanna divorce you anymore.

- That's what I'm hoping.

- This is technically trespassing,

and if we end up in jail, I'm gonna miss black Friday.

- [Trista] Calm down. You'll be out by cyber Monday.

- What's that?

Hey, trista?

Can you spend the night at my house?

- What's up with you being afraid of your apartment?

- Evan says it's 'cause I'm paranoid from all the coke.

Hey, can we talk about something?

- Shit.

- [Ryan] What's going on?

(Trista laughs)

- Oh, fuck.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

She's with someone.

- No way!

- That bitch.

- Maybe that's her sister.

I really hope that's not her sister.

- I've had enough. - Trista, no!

- Let go of me.

Stop.

(Ladies grunting)

I want to go fight her.

Oh, shit.

I'm gonna fight her.

Jesus Christ, you've got freakish coke strength.

(Women grunting)

Here we go, you're coming with me.

(Trista groans)

I've gotta go.

- No. - I'm gonna fight her.

Oh my god.

- I'm performing a friend-tervention.

- Jesus.

- Don't move!

(Footsteps approaching)

- [Trista] Get off me!

- You may be stronger than me, but I am meaner,

and you are not going into that house.

(Trista sighs)

- Evan's always been the one, you know?

I mean I never even had any other girlfriends

in high school.

Believe it or not, I was kind of a geek. (Chuckles)

I mean, you know, but sometimes I do wonder,

like I think to myself,

"what if Evan hadn't picked me up that night?"

You know, like, I don't necessarily subscribe

to m-theory or string theory,

but the very possibility of a multiverse,

I mean, it's gotta make you wonder, you know?

- Well, if you hadn't been with Evan,

we never would've met.

- I thought I'd be angry, furious, upset.

Instead, I just feel emptiness.

Speaking of emptiness.

- The reason I spend so much time around Evan,

it's because wherever she is, you're there too.

- Huh?

- And I think the reason I'm not dating anyone

or looking to meet anyone is because

to me, you are perfect.

- Oh my god.

- Since the moment I met you, I've...

I've been secretly madly

in love with you.

- How could I not have seen that?

How could I not have seen you?

- I wish I could just cut you into a million pieces

and scatter you across the sky, and count you like stars.

- I think that is the most romantic thing

anyone has ever said to me.

(Upbeat synth-pop music)

- I loved you since the moment I saw you.

Not a day has gone by that I haven't dreamt of this.

(Upbeat synth-pop music)

(Bridget gasps)

- I'm sorry.

I don't know why I did that.

- You're a goddess.

(Upbeat music) (Couple panting)

(Dov laughs)

(Upbeat synth-pop music)

- The bra!

- Help me.

(Dress rips)

(Bridget moaning)

You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

(Synth music)

(TV signal crackles)

Hey.

- Hey.

Wait. I wanna see you.

There you are.

(Knocking on door)

- Trista?

- [Evan] It's Evan.

- (Gasps) How is she here?

- I don't know. No one locked the door.

Uh, hold on.

(Toe bangs)

Ah, shit!

Hang on for a minute!

- A thousand pardons for my behavior last night.

I know you are not the one who told Bridget,

I- I know you wouldn't do that.

- Hey, um, now is not the best time right now.

If you know what I mean.

- Hm?

Oh, shit. Oh.

You have a girl back there?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I can't wait to tell you all about it.

- I gotta tell you, I always wondered about you.

I thought maybe you were one of those straight girls

who pretends to be gay because she thinks

it makes her more interesting.

- Oh, Evan. You have no idea.

- Oh.

Hey, just confirm for me that it's a woman in there.

- Uh, this isn't what it looks like.

- It looks like you fucked my girlfriend.

- Then it's exactly what it looks like.

- You know it wasn't her idea, Evan.

- I know that if we fight you'll win,

but I will inflict as much damage on you as possible

before you bring me down,

and you will have to kill me

before I let you go anywhere near her.

- You got a lot of...

What is that word you people use? Chutzpah?

Yeah, chutzpah.

- Stop it, Evan.

- Do not speak to me!

Do not ever come back to my house again.

I don't ever wanna see your face.

(Upbeat synth-pop music)

- Hey.

Hey!

- Hey, sleepy head.

- What time is it?

- Time for me to go to work.

I'll be in so much trouble if I'm late again.

- How long have I been here?

- Hello? Since we got back.

- Wait.

We went to Paige's, you tackled me,

and why don't I remember anything after that?

- We came back here and you were super upset

and I have some Diazepam, so-

- how much did you give me?

- You asked for a loading dose.

- Fuck.

- And I don't play.

So I got out these old pharmacy textbooks,

and I asked you your weight,

and I added 20 pounds,

because I know I always take off 20 when anyone asks me.

- I gotta get out of here.

- I wouldn't do that.

(Crash)

Oh, no.

Like I said, loading dose.

Up we go.

- This is why my wife left me.

(Ryan grunts)

No one should have to live like this.

- I'm declining my invitation to your pity party.

- This is like whatever happened to baby Jane.

And I'm baby Jane!

- If the rule that you followed led you here,

of what use was the rule?

- Don't you dare get existential on me now.

- You're Monday-morning quarterbacking your entire life.

- Shoot!

(Evan clears throat) (Bridget gasps)

You scared me.

I thought you'd be sleeping.

- I've reverted to my old schedule.

Sleep by day, live by night.

- What about your job?

- [Evan] I haven't been going.

- Why?

- My dad took a contribution from an organization

whose leader once said that gays should be rounded up

and thrown off cliffs.

- Are you quitting?

- I don't know.

- I moved in with Ryan.

- I heard.

Will I also be footing the bill

for your share of Ryan's rent?

- I don't have to listen to this.

- Sweets.

You couldn't ignore me if you tried.

- Don't throw that in my face.

- What? I've been paying for your Ivy league education?

Or that I have supported you for years,

and I've only asked you for one,

one thing in return?!

- How could I marry someone who did what you did to me?

- I did nothing to you.

- Yeah, that's right.

You were too busy doing it to someone else.

- You let Dov fuck you.

And I know it wasn't the other way around, pillow Princess.

You've always been more of a taker.

- You have fucked everyone and everything,

and you've been doing it since the day we met.

And I...

I loved you too much to admit to myself

what I knew to be true.

- Loved me, or you needed me?

Which one, Bridget?

You love me?

It's very easy to be taken care of, isn't it?

It makes it so much easier not to see the things

you don't want to.

What changed it for you?

What made you go, "you know, I had a really great time

not having to work for anything,

but now I think I'm gonna get rid of

good ol' reliable Evan"?

- I fucking love you.

I've loved you since I was 18 years old.

Not a day has gone by since

that you haven't been the love of my fucking life.

I know you're a cheater! I know you screw around!

That is why I wouldn't marry you.

- I will stop fucking around when I have tangible proof

that you're not in this for the free ride.

- You had something better than tangible!

You had something real!

- You're discussing this in the past tense.

It doesn't get any more real than that.

You know what, just shut up for a second.

Shut the fuck up.

Or maybe it was your guilt that was real.

- And why would I feel guilty, Evan?

- I've always been there for you when no one else was.

Maybe you're guilting yourself into staying with me.

- Stupid!

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

I...

You are telling me that you've been fucking around

this whole time because you thought

I felt I owed you something?

That I was using you?

And all you had to do was ask me

and I would have told you that none of that was true.

I love you.

I love you, I love you, I love you!

Say something.

- Good luck in the real world.

- This is the part where I leave you.

(Locks turn)

(Door slams)

(Upbeat synth-pop music)

"The shipwreck diaries: A novel by Dov Dolenz."

You wrote a book?

- Yeah.

- Let's go read it.

- Ok.

- Dov.

- Yeah?

- This is amazing.

- Are you sure?

I mean, I've had women say that before,

but I haven't always trusted their sincerity.

- Yes.

This is so exciting.

I mean, you wrote a book.

- Ugh, I'll be back to writing

engagement announcements tomorrow.

- Yeah, maybe.

But this book is gonna be big.

When did you do this?

- The last three nights, I just stayed up.

It was pouring out of me.

And it was you.

Bridget, I couldn't have written this if it wasn't for you.

- Dov.

(Couple breathing heavily)

- Can I be godmother to your finger babies?

- Very funny.

I need to share this book with Ryan.

- No.

- I gotta show her.

Yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes.

I'll be back.

Ryan, Dov wrote a novel, and it's really good.

- "The shipwreck diaries"

I loved that when I was a kid.

- This is Dov's book.

- Gotta split.

One of my friends is waiting on me.

Have I gotten any messages?

Is my dad dead?

(Chuckles) Dad, dead.

- Ryan, are these the new friends

that Evan had to save you from?

- Oh, that Evan. Telling tales out of school.

- She's falling apart.

- Hey. Even the Sistine chapel's crumbling.

- Yeah.

Dov, your book, um...

- Second thoughts?

Not as great as you thought it was five minutes ago?

- It's amazing.

It's just the characters.

It's us, right? The gang?

You, me, trista, Evan, Ryan?

- Oh, yeah. But I'm not anticipating any lawsuits.

- And I'm Kahlan, and you're Cara.

- Pretty obvious, huh?

- And Kahlan and Cara,

they wind up together in the end, right?

Specifically, moving in together and getting married?

- Oh, right.

But Bridget, it's just a book.

I've been up the past two days, three days.

It's all artistic license.

- I know, Dov.

I just need you to understand.

I just got out of a really bad situation.

Is this what you think this is? A bad situation?

- No, no, it's not.

It's wonderful.

But it's still a situation.

- Ok.

- That night when I found out

you'd written "blue torchlight" for me,

and then you wrote another poem on the spot,

and beautiful words were just coming out of you.

Beautiful words always come out of you.

And I just got so lost in everything that you were saying,

and in everything that you are, and-

- and I'm really good in bed.

- It's easy to fall in love with someone.

Falling out of love, that is a lot harder.

- It always comes back to Evan, doesn't it?

- I wish...

I wish I could forget,

but she's been the love of my life.

- Ok.

Uh, no, I understand.

You gave me the inspiration.

I got the book, but I lost the girl.

- You are gonna get so much more out of this book

than you ever would out of me.

- I respectfully disagree.

- I don't wanna lose you.

I need you.

- I need you, too.

♪ No hard feelings, we're all right ♪

♪ say what you want me to do ♪

- Nobody understands the rules for the brat pack.

The rules for the brat pack are

a: Starring in either "Saint elmo's fire"

or "the breakfast club,"

and b: Being in at least one other movie

with another brat packer.

So that's eight people:

Judd Nelson, Rob Lowe, Molly Ringwald,

Anthony Michael hall, Emilio Estevez,

ally sheedy, Andrew McCarthy,

and last, but certainly not least, Demi Moore.

- Who didn't make the cut?

- Mare winningham.

Mare was in "St. elmo's fire,"

but never in another movie with another brat packer.

- Mare winningham? Who's he?

- Oh my god.

I don't even know why I talk to you.

- Whenever you start talking about pistachios and-

- pastiche and intertextuality.

- Right, intertextuality.

(Phone rings) It sounds like

a new sexual orientation.

- If you were on the table of elements, you'd be moron.

(Phone rings)

Yeah, it's me!

(Ryan sniffles)

- Is your phone hot?

(Somber music)

- Evan?

Evan.

Evan?

Evan.

Evan.

Hey, Evan.

Come on, wake up.

Evan.

(Evan gasps)

I had to.

- Why are you here again?!

Fuck!

Nice, she-ra.

- It's invaluable, ok?

I couldn't leave it in the car.

- It's nice to know you Cherish something so dearly.

- Why haven't you been taking my calls?

- I'm focused on the future, not the past.

- This isn't about me and you, Evan.

This is about Ryan.

She called me while I was at the museum, crying.

She said that debt collectors are coming to take away

all of her stuff tomorrow.

- I thought she was loaded.

But she said she's gonna lock herself in her bathroom

and drown herself in the bathtub.

- That is literally an impossible thing to do.

- Well, we have to do something.

- This is not an mp, it's a yp: Your problem.

- Evan, what's wrong with you? This is Ryan.

She needs our help.

(Somber music)

(Doorknob rattling)

[Bridget] Oh, I gotta get this off.

Get this off...

Thank you.

- Uh, Bridget.

- What?

Ryan?

- Stay away.

If you come any closer, I'll jump.

- [Evan] Oh, for the love of...

Ryan, sweetheart, we've all been there.

Remember that time I crashed my dad's delorean

and decided to drink myself to death?

You stayed up all night with me

feeding me edamame.

- We're gonna call the police if you don't stop this.

- I'll throw myself over the railing

before you even get to the phone.

- Yeah, maybe threatening her wasn't the best idea.

(Doorknob rattling)

- What the fuck is it now?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

- [Evan] You invited Dov to Ryan's nervous breakdown?

- [Bridget] I called everyone.

- Oh, it's a real party.

- How is she?

- Ryan, you're scaring us.

- Leave me alone.

- I mean, look,

at that distance, with your weight, at that velocity,

I mean, you'd be more likely to break your legs than die.

- [Evan] Keep talking to her like that

and she'll definitely decide to kill herself.

- Honey, why don't you let us just...

You look so tired.

We'll come up there and talk to you.

- I heard you wrote a book.

- Yeah.

Wanna read it?

Evan, don't mess around!

- Evan, stop it. That's priceless.

I mean invaluable.

- Me or the sword?

- (Chuckles) Fuck, it's turning into Hamlet in here.

I hope they all die in the end.

- [Bridget] Oh my god.

- You stole the thing I love most.

- Maybe if you hadn't treated her like a thing,

I wouldn't have been able to.

- Evan, you could do tens of thousands of dollars

worth of damage to that sword.

- Ok, she's worried about the sword.

- I'm not concerned with consequences anymore,

thanks to your little pep talk.

- What did you say to her?

- Maybe I told her I was leaving her for good,

and then maybe I hit her.

- Oh, ok. Ok.

She's armed like a knight, been pushed to the brink,

and I fucked her girlfriend.

- Any last words, Dov Dolenz?

- I love her.

I love her.

I love her.

- There is no peace in the middle east.

- This can technically be construed as a hate crime.

- This is an act of war!

(Evan screams)

(Dov gasping)

- Evan, I think you may have anger issues!

- You won't need to worry about anything,

not where you're going.

(Bridget screams)

(Evan screams)

Fuck!

Fuck!

(Evan gasping)

(Evan screams)

(Evan gasping)

- Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,

oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, Evan!

Oh my god!

Just let me have a look at it.

- No!

None of you bitches touches me.

- Evan, are you ok?

- Me? I'm fit as a fucking fiddle.

- [Bridget] You have a knife in your back.

- Yeah, I gathered.

- Dov, call an ambulance.

- Where's the phone?

- Should we pull it out?

- No!

(Evan panting)

- [Bridget] What have I done, Evan?!

- Oh, shit.

- [Bridget] Evan!

No!

(Ryan whimpers)

(Ryan grunts)

- That's better.

What's wrong?

Did you run out of money?

We can help you.

- It's not that.

It's my dad.

- Oh, did he die?

I'm so sorry. - Nope.

That fucker's alive and well.

He was never really sick.

I made the whole thing up.

- Why would you do that?

- He cut me out of his life.

Not just financially, completely.

- What happened?

- His daughter's a lesbian.

I fuck women, and that is enough to make him hate me.

He disposed of me.

He's not dead.

I'm the one that's dead. Dead to him.

- Honey, you could have told us.

- I was too embarrassed.

So I said he was dying.

It seemed easier.

I was just so ashamed.

And now I'm angry at myself for feeling ashamed.

It should be him.

He should be the one who hates himself, not me.

- You know, when we're growing up, when we're kids,

we know there's something different about us.

- Yeah, I knew I liked girls from the age of five.

I've always been ahead of the curve.

- When we know there's something different

and we can't put words to it,

that turns into self-loathing.

And then we get a little older, we realize that society

doesn't accept the parts of us that make us different,

and that self-loathing turns into shame.

- I'm stronger than that.

- I know you are.

You're a tough cookie,

but you can't fix what your family and society did to you.

You can't UN-fuck up a kid.

- I'm not getting $5,000 a month anymore.

I had some money saved up.

I spent it all.

I just wanted the hurt to go away.

Who does that?

What kind of man turns his back on his daughter

just because she's gay?

- You don't need him, ok?

You have me and those three losers downstairs

who would do anything for you.

Ryan, the four of us would die for you.

Fuck your dad.

He's not your dad. Evan's your dad.

And us, we're the rest of your fucked up family.

- I'm just so confused.

Everything hurts.

I'm so totally lost.

- Well, with those words,

I officially pronounce you a grown-up.

- Did you know I always wanted to make you coffee,

the way you do it with the foam.

I was gonna surprise you once.

You were at the museum,

you were gonna come home and find it.

I tried, but I failed, and I threw it all out

and never told you.

- [Dov] I called an ambulance.

Oh, shit.

- I don't like doing things I'm not good at.

- This is for the pain.

Ok. - Fuck.

This jacket is vintage.

- What the fuck happened here?

- [Evan] Bridget stabbed me in the back.

- I know, sweety.

- No, this time I really did stab her.

(Trista laughs)

- Jesus.

- Dov called an ambulance. It should be here soon.

- So Ryan tries to commit suicide,

and you three bitches find a way

to make it all about yourselves.

- Is that one of Bridget's ancient daggers?

- I believe so.

- That thing is 500 years old.

You're gonna have one hell of an infection.

- Do not forget your dying king.

- Is she gonna die?

- No, baby. But I'm about to pass out from the pain.

- Good night, sweet prince.

And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

- So what have I learned after all this time?

After all the fucking and partying,

lying to friends, lovers, myself,

playing this sick game, in this sick world,

filled with liars and cheaters and depraved miscreants?

I'll tell you what I've learned.

One thing, and one thing only.

I fucking love being gay.

- Hey, Evan. Are you still there?

- Yeah.

- I thought you were about to pass out right then.

- Yeah, that would've been the perfect place to do it.

- Yeah.

Yeah, right at the end of that speech.

- [Dov] Whoa!

- [Trista] Now she's passed out.

- It's true what they say.

Timing really is everything.

(Sirens in the distance)

- Oh, the ambulance is here.

(Sirens blaring) - Yay.

Evan won't die.

Can I ride with her to the hospital?

I should probably get my stomach pumped.

Can I take out the knife now?

- [Group] No!

(Siren blaring)

- [Bridget] Where's your coffee machine?

Does anybody want some coffee?

(Sirens blaring)

(Bells jingling)

- Bye, losers.

It was good to see you. ♪ Make your feelings ♪

♪ light like a feather ♪

- How's the shoulder? Still sore?

- Nothing that copious amounts of alcohol

and Vicodin can't cure.

- Same old Evan.

- I quit my father's campaign.

- When were you gonna tell me?

- When I finally mustered the ability to say you were right.

You remember what I told you

about not liking not being good at things

like making coffee and saying I'm sorry?

As for the coffee, I came up with a solution.

Instant coffee.

♪ Oh, all right ♪

♪ let's not fight ♪

♪ I'm still the star ♪

♪ shining bright ♪

Bridget.

I'm sorry.

♪ Do you remember the time you were alone ♪

♪ I was the one to call on your phone ♪

- Evan.

This is oatmeal.

- What?

- You made me oatmeal.

This is instant oatmeal. (Laughs)

(Bridget laughing)

- I'll never stop loving you.

- Ditto.

- Things are looking up for me.

I got promoted from writing engagement announcements

to writing obituaries.

- That's super.

That's, like, the best news ever. So great.

So tell me more about the newspaper, please.

Where's trista?

- [Bridget] Dov, come over here.

- Oh my god. This conversation has to end.

So much suck.

♪ Coming to the point, I apologize ♪

- So I couldn't help but notice you two

have been avoiding each other all night.

My parents pulled the same act for years.

- You're the one taking a position at a museum in Romania.

Seems like you're the one going to extremes

to avoid conflict.

- True.

But I am confused.

I love you both,

but I need time for myself.

Cliche?

- A little.

- So, friends?

- [Dov] Ok.

- Fine.

- [Trista] Bridget.

- Crazy fuck.

- You republican bitch!

- Shut up. - Jesus Christ!

- Well, fags.

I'd stay, but I'm afraid you'd ask me to help clean up.

I'll miss you, kid.

- No, you won't.

- I'll miss the excessive drama you bring to my life.

- Next week, Hanukah party, my place.

I'm gonna bust out the bong mitzvah.

Good night, homos.

- I should probably get going, too.

Early flight. Long flight.

You coming, Ry?

- I wish I was coming.

Get it?

No?

No, I wanna stay out.

- I'll take her back.

- Ok, well, I am going to Benadryl myself to sleep.

See you in the morning. - Bye, babe.

- Yeah.

- [Both] I'll walk you out.

- You did try to behead me.

- I'll see you in half a year.

- Well, just try to stay out of trouble.

- What's the fun in that?

I know you have something to say.

- Cheeky monkey.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

(Crickets chirping)

- So not to sound arrogant or anything, you know,

but I am gonna be gone for six months.

What I'm saying is, you know, if you meet someone...

- No, I get it.

I packed your poem. It's in my carry on.

Ice-kissed frostfire.

I wish I could be like you and have the right words.

- I wish I had the right words right now.

(Crickets chirping)

(Engine revs)

(TV static crackles)

- So I have this friend,

and she really liked her best friend's girlfriend,

and she thought she would be a much better fit

for her friend's girlfriend than her friend.

And so she set into motion a series of events

that would lead to them breaking up.

And it took a really long time,

and a lot of really manipulative behavior,

but eventually, this girl's plan worked.

- What happened?

- What do you mean?

- What happened?

- What do you mean?

- Did your friend end up with her best friend's girlfriend?

- I don't know.

That remains to be seen.

So what do you think of all that?

Do you think my friend is a bad person?

What?

- Survival of the fittest, right?

(Ryan laughs)

- Yeah. Totally.

- Isn't there some place you'd rather be?

- Than here with you?

Never.

- Why'd you do that?

- Because I knew you wouldn't.

- I imagine you wanna get back at your father.

I would excel in that capacity.

(Upbeat synth music)

♪ Whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

- Do you love me?

I know you'll say yes, and I'll take you at your word, but-

- with every beat of my wasted heart.

- I see it now.

Your love is true. - Yes.

♪ We woke up on the floor ♪

♪ our bodies intertwined ♪

♪ you're doing that thing you do ♪

♪ when something's on your mind ♪

♪ restlessness and worries ♪

♪ for a future that's unknown ♪

♪ but I'll travel through both space and time ♪

♪ to make sure you will never be alone ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years for you ♪

♪ I would brave new frontiers for you ♪

♪ I would trade a thousand years for you ♪

♪ a thousand years ♪

♪ a thousand years ♪

♪ we head into the night ♪

♪ and fade into the streets ♪

♪ as rain on the city falls ♪

♪ the taste is bittersweet ♪

♪ restlessness and worries ♪

♪ for a future far away ♪

♪ I'll travel into the unknown ♪

♪ to make sure you will see another day ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years for you ♪

♪ I would brave new frontiers for you ♪

♪ I would trade a thousand years for you ♪

♪ a thousand years ♪

♪ a thousand years ♪

♪ whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ through complications ♪

♪ whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ through the unknown ♪

♪ whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ with determination ♪

♪ whoa-ho, whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ I'll make sure you'll never be alone ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years for you ♪

♪ I would brave new frontiers for you ♪

♪ I would trade a thousand years for you ♪

(Ryan laughs)

♪ A thousand years ♪

♪ a thousand years ♪

♪ whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years ♪

♪ whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ I would trade a thousand years ♪

♪ whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years ♪

♪ whoa-ho, whoa-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ I would wait a thousand years for you ♪

♪ a thousand years for you ♪

(TV static crackles)

(Keyboard clacking)

(Gentle upbeat music)

- Mark is laughing already.

I can't!

(Laughs) I can't!

Turn around, Mark! (Laughs)

- I think that I can see...

- [Tucky] It's like you want to look good.

That's crazy.

- Crazy.

- Sweet prince, and flights of angels-

sorry.

(Both laugh)

- [Ellie] Welcome to "girl/girl scene."

(Mark laughs)

- [Amanda] I just wanna make sure I'm holding-

(Roni laughs)

(Kayla coughs)

- You're up late.

- [Tucky] My mom's freaking out about the body slam.

I know you're being careful, but, just, less-

- less slam.

♪ But there's one thing ♪

♪ that makes me come alive ♪

♪ when you're by my side ♪

- We need more ice. - Todd!

♪ Together with me ♪

♪ when that weary tape runs ♪

♪ play that movie ♪

♪ I want you to smile ♪

♪ shut out all the worries ♪

♪ dream away for awhile ♪

♪ the look you had ♪

- [Mark] No.

- As long as you literally don't see my ass.

My ass is out.

- [Mark] It's basically from here up.

♪ Make me feel like I'm home ♪

♪ take me back again to see the look of that chrome ♪

♪ the power of love is back on the screen ♪

♪ and we'll have ♪

♪ '85 again ♪

(Mark chuckles)

- [Tucky] What? Let me see.

- [Mark] Oh, I was just filming Jerry.

- [Tucky] Oh.

- Cooking with gas, folks! - Cooking with gas!

Amped, man! Amped!

- We got the tools and we got the know-how.

- [Mark] Ok, what was the next scene?

- [Tucky] Bedroom.

- [Amanda] Me waking up-

- [Maya] I just, like, I got it too late.

Like, I couldn't debut it earlier in a different scene,

but now it's in the movie.

- [Tucky] Yes.

- [Mark] Todd, Todd, Todd, Todd.

(Gentle upbeat music)

♪ Play that movie ♪

♪ I want you to smile ♪

♪ shut out all the worries ♪

♪ dream away for awhile ♪

♪ the look you had ♪

- You're still here?

It's over.

Go home.

Shoo.