All language subtitles for No Catch 22.1970. 1

Firing group,
please be tight enough to go.

All you have to do
is be our pal.

Say nice things
about us.

Tell the folks
at home

what a good job
we'’re doing.

Take our offer,
Yossarian.

Either that,
or a court-martial
for desertion.

What about the other men
in the squadron?

I'’d be playing
a rotten trick on them.

They'’ll be happier
when you'’re gone.

Won'’t even
think about you.

They have
a war to win.

Well

What the hell?

If they don'’t want to
fly any more missions,

they'’ll say so
like I did.

Precisely.

It'’s a deal?

It'’s a deal.

Ah

Help.

Help him.

What? Help him! Help him!

Help who?

Help the bombardier!

I'’m the bombardier.
I'’m all right.

Then help him! Help him!

Snowden.

What'’d he say?

He said, Snowden.

Snowden'’s dead.

Snowden?

Why is he talking
to a dead man?

Oh, he'’s
Captain Yossarian.

So?
He'’s crazy.

Who says so?
I do.

Why? Just because I said I hate
that S.O.B. over there?

Who?He hates Colonel Cathcart.

I didn'’t ask you.

Colonel Cathcart
isn'’t even here.

Who said anything
about Cathcart?

Colonel Korn
isn'’t here either.

Who said anything
about Colonel Korn?

Well, what S.O.B.
do you hate, then?

What S.O.B. is here?

You don'’t make any sense.You don'’t even know
who you hate.

You'’ve got
a persecution complex.

You'’re damn right
I have.

You admit it!

I admit I'’m being
persecuted.

Yeah? By who?By them!

But who specifically
is them?

Every one of them!Every one of who?

Every one of
who do you think?

I don'’t have
any idea!

Then how do you know
they aren'’t?

That'’s sheer
what-do-you-call-it.

Sophistry.Right. Sophistry.

Like hell it is.

Those bastards are
trying to kill me!

No one'’s trying to
kill you, sweetheart.

Now eat your dessert
like a good boy.

Oh, yeah?
Then why are they
shooting at me, Milo?

They'’re shooting
at everyone, Yossarian.

And what difference
does that make?

Look, Yossarian,

suppose everyone thought
the same way you do--

I'’d be a damn fool
to think different.

You know what? You ought
to have your head examined.

There'’s nothing
wrong with it.

Look at it once,
will you?

Sorry, Yossarian,
your head is okay.

Aah!

Please, don'’t do that.

Doc.
What?

Doc.
Yeah?

I want you
to ground me.

Don'’t start that again.

Doc.
Yeah.

I don'’t want to fly anymore.Why?

It'’s dangerous.
Aah!

Listen, I told you

Let'’s get out
of here, huh?

I'’ve flown 35 missions,
for Christ'’s sake.

Take it easy.Now that sadistic nut

has raised the number
up to 50.

In any other outfit,

I would have been
rotated after 25.

Doc, you gotta
help me out.

Look, I'’m due
for rotation myself

in a couple of months

if I don'’t cause any trouble
or break any rules.

And the rules say
I can'’t ground anyone

just because
he asks me to.

Can you ground
somebody crazy?

Of course.
I have to.

There'’s a rule
that says so.

I'’m crazy!

Who says so?

Ask anybody. Ask--

Hey, Orr!

Orr, tell him!Tell him what?

Am I crazy?

He'’s crazy, doc.
He won'’t fly with me.

I take good care of him,
but he won'’t.

He'’s crazy, all right.

That'’s proof, isn'’t it?
They all say I'’m crazy.

They'’re crazy.

Then why don'’t you
ground them?

Why they don'’t
ask me to?

Because they'’re
crazy, that'’s why.

Of course they'’re crazy.
I just told you that.

And you can'’t let
crazy people decide

whether you'’re crazy
or not, can you?

Is Orr crazy?Of course he is.

He has to be to keep flying
after all his close calls.

Why can'’t you ground him?

I can, but first
he has to ask me.

That'’s all he'’s gotta do
to be grounded?

That'’s all.Then you can ground him?

No. Then I cannot
ground him.

Aah!
There'’s a catch.

A catch?

Sure. Catch-22.

Anyone who wants
to get out of combat

isn'’t really crazy,
so I can'’t ground him.

Okay, let me see if
I'’ve got this straight.

In order
to be grounded,

I'’ve got to be
crazy.

I must be crazy
to keep flying.

But if I ask
to be grounded,

that means I'’m not
crazy anymore,

and I have to
keep flying.

You'’ve got it.
That'’s catch-22.

Whoo!

That'’s some catch,
that catch-22.

It'’s the best
there is.

Good afternoon, men.

This is Major Danby,
your flight operations officer,

welcoming you
to today'’s mission.

You'’ve all been briefed
on this morning'’s run,

so I won'’t go over
the details again.

There'’s no sense
naming names,

since the enemy is
probably listening,

and there'’s no reason
I can think of to tell them

exactly where
we'’re going to strike.

That'’s the stupidest goddamn
thing I ever heard him say.

That'’s right.

Weather conditions
have improved tremendously

over the mainland,

so you won'’t have
any trouble at all

seeing the target.

Of course,
you mustn'’t forget,

that means that they will have
no trouble at all seeing you.

I believe Colonel Cathcart

would like to say a few words
before takeoff, men,

and so without
further ado--

Give me that!

Men, I won'’t waste any more
of your time than I have to.

I wish you good luck
on today'’s mission.

To those of you
who won'’t be coming back,

I'’d like to say
we'’ll do our best

to take care of your wives
and/or sweethearts.

And don'’t forget:

General Dreedle
wants to see a nice,

tight bombing pattern

on those aerial
photographs.

Everyone ready to go?

Now, Colonel Korn,

I'’d like you to stay
in the control tower.

Stay on top of this mission.
It'’s a tough one.

I'’d like to know when
my boys make target.

Yes, sir.

What is it,
Lieutenant Minderbinder?

An egg, sir.

I know that,
Lieutenant.

A fresh egg, sir.

Where did you
get the egg?

In Malta, sir,

where there are enough
chickens to lay fresh eggs

for every officer
in the squadron,

at 5 cents apiece
from the mess fund.

Yes?

With a clear profit
of 2 cents per egg.

For whom?

Sir, for whomever sells
the eggs to the mess.

And who may
that be, Milo?

Ah, sir.

Oranges from Marrakesh,
and pecans.

Pecans!And in Palermo, sir,

10,000 gallons of the finest
Italian olive oil.

The Sicilians
need blankets.

It would be
a fair trade, sir.

There'’s an interested
party in Sardinia.

All we need
is the cooperation

of the countries
we'’re dealing with.

What countries
are you dealing with?

The African nations--African?

Countries in the greater
Mediterranean area.

Oh, I see.So, what we have to have

is an additional
assignment of personnel

a little time,
and a plane.

If I had one
at my disposal,

I could get the eggs.

Well, all right, Milo.

And if I was taken off
combat duty, sir,

that is, just until I get this
thing into operation

But, Milo--I know, sir.

I'’m just an acting mess
officer, Colonel,

but the job requires
my full attention.

It'’s to everyone'’s benefit.Well, all right.

Take whatever
you need, Milo.

Thank you, sir.
I hope to give the men here

the finest cuisine
in the entire world.

That'’s really something
to shoot at, isn'’t it?

Yes, Milo,
it certainly is.

With the Colonel'’s
permission,

I'’d like to show him something
I'’ve had printed up.

Oh. Well,
what is it?

Just an idea, sir.

It'’s a share.

A share?

In M & M Enterprises.

I think if we can get
my ideas into practice,

it should be organized
along the lines of a mart--

A mart?

Yes, sir.
A syndicate.

An enterprise.

There are tremendous profits
to be made, Colonel.

For us?

For everyone.
I feel, sir,

that what would be
good for M & M Enterprises

would be good
for the country.

You'’ll have our full
cooperation, Milo.

Thank you, sir.

If I could take a plane
this afternoon,

I'’d like to get this
material to Alexandria.

There'’s a huge cotton
crop this year.

Cotton?
Yes, sir.

Cotton is a particularly
liquid commodity.

How much?We'’ll trade for it, sir.

With what?

Silk.

Four thousand yards of silk.

How in the world did you
get hold of so much silk?

Where the hell'’s
my parachute?

Okay, all right.

Which one of you bastards
stole my parachute?

Hello? Hello?

This is the bombardier here.

We got to turn back.

Uh, Nately,
we got to turn back now.

Ahem, um, Nately!

You hear me up there?
We got to turn back.

Okay, we'’re going
to turn back now.

Nately, let'’s turn back.

We'’re going to turn back.

What is it this time,
Yossarian?

Some bastard
stole my chute.

Ah

Anything
the matter?

My parachute

What about it?

It'’s gone.

Don'’t worry
about it.

What do you mean,
Don'’t worry about it?

What am I supposed to do
if I have to bail out,

use my handkerchief?

That'’s the kind of humor
in the face of adversity

that keeps America
strong.

I like you,
Yossarian.

Listen, Aardvark,
I'’d like to kill you,

but I haven'’t
got time right now.

You could have my chute,
but I gave it to Milo.

You gave it to Milo?

He'’s got
all the chutes.

He'’s got a hell of a deal
going for silk in Alexandria.

Maybe I do have
time to k--

Aah!

Looks like they'’ve
seen us coming.

They'’ve seen us!
Oh, God! They'’ve seen us!

Better get ready
to dump those eggs.

Oh!

Somebody!

They'’re shooting at me!

Where are we?

Hey, Aardvark,
where are we?

I think we'’re there.

We'’re there?

We'’re there?

We'’re there.

Get ready to turn.

4

3

2

1

Drop!

Let'’s go!

Turn right, hard!

Turn, turn! Turn,
you son of a bitch!

Turn right!

Turn! Turn right!

Look at that, will you?

I think we'’ve got '’em
this time.

I think we'’ve got '’em
where it hurts.

Get out of here!I can'’t hear you.

Get back
in the ship.

What'’s that?

Oh! Climb, you bastard!

Climb! Climb!

Fire!

Fire onboard!

Fire?
Where'’s the fire?

Aardvark,
get out of the nose.

You'’ll have to speak up.
I still can'’t hear you.

Are you trying to kill us?

Don'’t you understand?
Get out of here!

Which way
should I go?

Turn left,
you son of a bitch!

Turn left! Oh!

Wow!
There goes Orr.

That stupid
little bastard.

Pull up!

Hey, I think you'’ve caught
a little something there.

Is that my leg?

Hey, is that my leg?

What'’s with my leg?

Take it easy.

My leg!

Yossarian'’s
caught one.

What'’s that?
I don'’t get you.

Help him.

What?

Help him! Help him!

Help who?

Help the bombardier!

I'’m the bombardier.
I'’m all right.

Then help him! Help him!

It'’s, uh

What'’s his name?
The new gunner?

Snowden.
Yeah.

Snowden.

I'’m cold.

Okay. You'’re
going to be okay.

Cold. I'’m cold.

Over here!

Hurry up! Hey!

What?

I asked how
you were feeling.

Oh.

Better, thank you.

What about you?

Me?

Fairly well,
thank you.

You'’re welcome.

Except for a slight
head cold.

Mm

Had it
for about a week.

Can'’t seem to shake it.

You know
what they'’re like.

No, I, uh

I don'’t.

I'’ve never really
had a head cold.

I'’ve tried, but, uh

can'’t seem to
be able to get one.

Well, you'’re
very lucky.

Yes, I suppose I am.

Except for this
piece of shrapnel

I caught in my leg.

Yes.

I'’ve never caught
a piece of shrapnel.

Mmm.

You'’re a chaplain!

Yes. Didn'’t you
know that?

No, I didn'’t.

I'’ve never really seen
a chaplain before.

I had no idea chaplains
looked like that.

Oh, wellwell.

If I can do anything
to help you,

anything at all,
you--

Anything?

Like books, or
or cigarettes.

Toys?

No, I have
everything I need.

Thank you very much.

UhYou could do
one thing for me.

What?

Well, if you could speak
to Major Duluth

The squadron commander.Yes.

And tell him I don'’t
want to fly anymore.

Cathcart'’s raised the number
of missions again.

He'’s trying
to kill us all.

I can'’t do it.
I'’m desperate.

It'’s not my business--I'’m desperate!

I'’ll see
what I can do.

I really will.
I'’ll do my best.

Aah!

Remember, it takes me
45 minutes to do this thing.

First I sauté
the chicken parts,

take them out,

then I put the raisins
and the almonds in

Aah!

He-He yelled.

I'’m-I'’m--
I'’m awfully sorry, sir.

What'’s your name?

Um, Major, sir.

I didn'’t ask your rank.
I asked your name.

I know, sir.
I'’m a captain.

My name is Major.
Captain Major.

Just about as clear
as mud, isn'’t it?

About as clear,
all right.

Well, captain,
you'’re familiar

with Major Duluth,
the squadron commander?

Yes, sir.
He'’s a fine man, sir.

Was.Uh, sir?

Major Duluth is dead.

I'’m extremely distraught
to hear that, sir.

You may be distraught,
but he'’s dead--

Shot down over Perugia
this afternoon.

That'’ll teach him to go fooling
around on bombing missions

when he'’s supposed to be
working in the office.

Sir, I don'’t
see what--

It means we'’ll need
a new squadron commander.

You'’re the only
major available

on our headquarters staff.

Major is my name,
not my rank.

That'’s close enough
for me, Major.

Consider yourself
a major now.

I don'’t know anything about
being squadron commander.

We all have to make
sacrifices, Major.

Sir, I'’m in billeting
and laundry.

I know that, sir,

but we all have to do
our part, I guess.

Well, I don'’t like my part.

Sergeant, I'’m, uh
I'’m going to take

the rest
of the afternoon off

and lie down in my tent,
and think about things.

Sir, someone'’s waiting
to see you.

Now?

Yes, sir.

Who is it?

Captain Tappman, sir.

He'’s a group chaplain.

Well, what
does he want?

I don'’t know, sir. Something
to do with Captain Yossarian.

Look, um, Sergeant

the job that I have
to do is tough enough

without having to deal
all the time

with a lot of people
who want something.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, sir.

I suppose you'’re
wondering about this.

No, sir. It'’s not
my place to wonder.

I don'’t like people
staring at me, Sergeant.

People stare at me.
Did you know that?

No, sir.Because they'’re thinking,

Who'’s that Major Major,

that he gets to be
squadron commander

without ever having
flown in a plane?

Oh, I don'’t think people
are thinking that, sir.

Well, they are.

But when
I have this on,

they don'’t know
who I am.

Did you know,
in the Middle Ages

a lot of princes
and kings

put on disguises and walked
around their subjects?

No, sir,
I didn'’t know that.

So you don'’t know everything,
do you, Sergeant?

No, sir.
Why did they do that?

Why did who do what?

Why did princes
and kings

walk around
in disguise?

How the hell
should I know?

I'’m not some
historian or anything.

Just a guy trying
to do his job.

Good afternoon,
Sergeant.

Sir?

What is it now?

What about
the chaplain?

Sergeant,
from now on,

I don'’t want anyone
coming in to see me

while I'’m in my office,
is that clear?

Yes, sir. What do
I say to people?

Tell them I'’m in and
ask them to wait.

For how long?Until I'’ve left.

Then what?

I don'’t care.

May I send people in
after you'’ve left?

Yes.You won'’t be here then?

No.I see, sir. Will that be all?

Also, I don'’t want
you coming in

asking me if there'’s
anything you can do for me.

Is that clear?Yes, sir.

When should I ask you?

When I'’m not there.

What do I do then?

Whatever has to be done.Yes, sir.

I'’m sorry I have to
talk to you this way,

but I have to.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, sir.

Sergeant?

Yes, sir?

Thank you.
For everything.

Thank you, sir.

The major will
see you now, Father.

Oh. Thank you.

You don'’t have to
call me Father. I'’m--

Sergeant Towser
speaking.

Will you go in?

Yes, sir.

Have it here, sir.

There'’s no one here.

Where?In Major Major'’s office.

When?

When you go
to see him.

What I mean is
you can'’t see him

when he'’s there
in his office.

I'’ve tried
several times.

So when can you
see him? Ever?

Yes. Yes, yes,
indeed.

You can see him
when he isn'’t there.

That is,
he'’ll see you,

but only
in his office

and only when
he'’s not there.

The other times,
when he'’s in,

he'’s not, uh

there

to be seen

Except when
he'’s out.

What the hell are you
talking about, Father?

Sir?

Get your ass
in here, Padre.

Were you describing

some mystical
experience you'’ve had?

No, sir. It'’s just that some
peculiar things are happening.

You haven'’t had any
ecstatic visions, have you?

No, sir.Didn'’t see a burning bush?

Hear any voices?

No, it wasn'’t anything
quite so extraordinary--

I hope not.

I think we have to keep
our supernatural episodes

down to a minimum,
what with a war to win.

You get my meaning?

Absolutely, sir.

May I ask where
we'’re going?

Where we'’regoing?

You are going to
Colonel Cathcart'’s office.

Now?

That'’s the idea,
Padre: now.

Is there anything
wrong, sir?

Have I done anything?

I don'’t know, Padre.

Are you and Captain Yossarian
up to something?

I don'’t know what
you mean, sir.

You don'’t, huh?
Then who does?

I don'’t know, sir.

You don'’t know much about
anything, do you, Father?

No, sir. Uh, sir

What is it?

It'’s not necessary
to call me Father.

I'’m an Anabaptist.

Well, thanks for
the correction.

Thanks for setting me
straight on that.

I thought you'’d
like to know--

Listen, Padre,
you'’re a captain, right?

Yes, sir.And I'’m a lieutenant-colonel.

Is that correct so far?

Yes, sir, it is.

Then I can call you just
about anything I want to,

unless, of course,
you have some objection.

No, sir.
Out!

Thank you, sir.

Uh, sir,
do you think now--

Good morning.
Ah!

Is there anything
I can get you?

Morning. What?

Do you need anything?
Any supplies?

No.
Whiskey?

Silk stockings?
Building material?

Fresh fruit?

Oh, well, I--

what about
religious supplies?

As a matter of fact,
Father,

I can get my hands
on an entire shipment

of religious relics blessed
by the pope himself.

The Germans swiped them
and put them on the market.

As I understand it,
the stuff includes

the wrists and collarbones
of some top saints.

That'’s very kind
of you.

If you need anything,
just ask for Milo.

Well, I'’ve never been
issued a blanket.

Anything at all, now.

Ahem.

Yeah?

I think the colonel
wants to see me.

He does?

I believe so.

I'’mChaplain Tappman.

You'’reChaplain Tappman?

Sit down. I'’ll tell the colonel
you'’re here, Father.

It'’s not

You-You'’d better get
some dry things.

Oh, I will,

as soon as the colonel'’s
through with me.

They just picked me up
out of the sea.

They did?

I drifted for
almost three days.

You should report
to the hospital.

You could catch
pneumonia.

Oh, no. Not me.

This is my fourth time.

How do you mean?

I'’ve put down in
the Mediterranean once,

once in the Adriatic,

and I crash-landed
one plane,

and I bailed out
once.

You'’re very lucky.

That'’s what
some folks say.

Yossarian says
they'’re gonna start

taking it out
of my salary.

Y-Yossarian?

Yes, he'’s
a friend of mine.

Do you know him?

Yes, I do. In fact--

Captain Tappman?

Yes.

Perhaps you shouldn'’t
fly anymore.

It'’s good practice.

Tappman, the colonel
is a very busy man.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Chaplain, we don'’t see
much of you lately.

Well, sir, I

try to stay out of the way
as much as possible.

I have a feeling I make
the men uncomfortable.

Nonsense.
I can'’t imagine any man

not enjoying the benefits
of your presence,

unless, of course,
they'’re atheists.

I guess there'’s not much
chance of that, is there?

I don'’t know, sir.

What do you mean,
you don'’t know?

Atheism is against
the law, right?

No.
It isn'’t?

Well, then,
it'’s un-American, isn'’t it?

I'’m not sure, sir.

Well, I am.

If I find any lousy
atheists on this base,

bet your ass they'’ll soon
start believing in something.

Well, that'’s not why
I called you in, Chaplain.

I want you
to look at this.

Page 48.

You don'’t have to read
the whole thing.

You can get the point
from the photographs.

There'’s a full-page picture
of a colonel in England

whose chaplain conducts
prayers before every mission.

I see no reason why
The Saturday Evening Post

should not be interested
in the story of myoutfit.

You think up some nice,
snappy prayers

that'’ll send the officers out
feeling good.

Can you do that? Hmm?

I'’ll try.

Well, good.
Let'’s get to it.

Yes, sir.

Is there something else?

Sir, it may be
none of my business,

but I think some of the men
are particularly upset

about the fact
that you keep raising

the number of missions
they have to fly.

You'’re right, Chaplain.

I am, sir?

You'’re right that it'’s none
of your business.

And it'’s none
of their business either.

Their business
is to fly missions.

Your business is to think
of some short, catchy prayers

that'’ll get me into
The Saturday Evening Post.

Now good afternoon,
Chaplain.

Yes, sir.

Excuse me.

Excuse me,Padre.

Chaplain says
the men are upset

because I keep raising
the number of missions.

Yossarian.

What?

It'’s that
Captain Yossarian.

He'’s always bitching,

always making trouble.

What can we do?

What would
General Dreedle do?

He'’d crush him.

Tear him apart.Smack him in the face.

Jab him
in the kidneys.

Kick him in the balls.

Keep your head down
between your legs.

Try to breathe
deeply and evenly.

Ugh!Sorry, Captain.

I know how that must feel.

I don'’t think so.

Try not to talk.
Think about nice things.

Think how lovely
it is here.

How lovely
everything could be

if someone didn'’t
always try to spoil it.

Why do you always
try to spoil it?

Because I love you.

Well, I know that,
Captain, I know that.

But this is wartime.

We'’ve got a job
to do, soldier.

We just can'’t give
in to ourselves.

Think how it is
for me,

one of a handful
of women

on an island with
thousands of men.

Men who are giving up
their lives

for our country,
for me.

Think of that--

Captain Yossarian!

What are you doing?

Listen.
I'’m gonna die.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

Aah!

Uh-ho-ho, God!

Oh!

What is it?

What'’s the matter?

Ooh!

The town'’s name
is Ferrara,

and, uh, it'’s
right around here.

It'’s a very pretty town,
on the coast.

You all right?

Yossarian.It'’s her, it'’s her.

Who?
Dreedle'’s WAC.

If you do your job well,

there won'’t be much
left of it, anyway.

Intelligence indicates
you shouldn'’t

have to worry about flak
and that kind of stuff.

We were hoping
for new recon photos

on enemy strength
in that area.

Unfortunately,
they haven'’t arrived,

but as I always say,
no news is good news.

A lot of you may
ask yourselves,

How come we'’re out
to destroy a town

that has no industry,
no enemy bases,

no strategic value to anyone?

Ten-hut!

As you were.
Good morning, gentlemen.

We'’re honored to have
General Dreedle

sitting in with us
on today'’s briefing.

I don'’t want the men to
pay any attention to me.

Just carry on as usual.

Don'’t pay any
attention to Dad--

Will you clam up?

And don'’t call me Dad.

Go right ahead with
your briefing, Major.

Yes. Well
thank you, sir.

I was-I was just
telling the men here--

Don'’t tell me.
Tell them.

Tell the men, Danby.

Yes.

I was just
explaining why

we'’re going
to obliterate--

What about a chair?

Sir?

A chair.

Beg your pardon, General?

A chair!

Doesn'’t anyone,
for God'’s sake,

know what a chair is?

Can'’t you see
a lady is standing?

A chair for Dad'’s girlfr--
For the lady!

Get a chair!

Carry on.

What we'’re going
to do now, men,

is synchronize
our watches.

Now, we'’ve all
done this before,

so I don'’t think
we'’ll have any problem.

If everyone will look
down at his wristwatch,

we can begin.

It is now 1115 hours,

minus 50, 49,

48, 47

46, 45,

44, 43

Mmm
Yossarian.

40,

39, 38,

37

36, 35,

34, 33

32,

31

29, 28

27,

26, 25,

24Somebody'’s gonna get it.

22, 21,

20

19, 18

16, 15, 14,

13, 12

All right, at ease.

10, 9

There'’ll be no more moaning
in this outfit.

The next man who moans
will be very sorry.

1.

Oh.

Who is this man?

Major Danby, sir.

Danby.
D-A-N-B-Y.

Take him out
and shoot him.

Sir?

I said take him out
and shoot him.

Can'’t you hear?Yes, sir.

Take Major Danby out
and shoot him.

I think you'’d better
wait a minute, Dad.

What?

I don'’t think
you can shoot him.

Why the hell
can'’t I?

Why not?

You mean I can'’t shoot
whoever I want to?

Is that a fact?I'’m afraid it is, Dad.

Guess you think you'’re
pretty smart, don'’t you?

Just because my half-wit
daughter married you

for God knows whatever
bizarre reason.

Oh, no, Dad,
it'’s just--

All right.

Let the insubordinate
son of a bitch go,

but get him out of here.

Better do something.

All right, men,
I think we

owe a vote of thanks

to General Dreedle
for visiting with us today

and cheering us all up.

In his honor, I'’d like
to make an announcement

which may be of interest.Uh-oh.

I know you men are all
anxious to do your part

Here it comes.

As of now, the number
of missions required

before you are eligible
for rotation

is raised to 75.

I know we'’ll all
do our best.

Ten-hut!

What are you smiling at,
you silly bastard?

Now I won'’t
have to go home.

You what?

I can stay here.
I don'’t have to leave her.

What are you saying?

I love her.

I do!

I really do.

I never felt anything
like this before,

not even for my mom.

Men don'’t
fall in love

with girls
like that.

Men always fall in love
with girls like that.

Ah, one or
the other.

I'’m taking her back
to Long Island with me.

Look, you don'’t
really love her.

You think
you love her.

How can you tell
the difference?

Between what?

Between loving her
and thinking it?

You have to be objective.

Who'’s objective?

I am.
Oh. How come?

Because I'’m not
in love with her.

You mean you think
you'’re not.

That'’s right.

Then how can you
tell the difference?

Wait a second.

Hey, look.

Whoo! Look what
Aarfy'’s got.

Say goodbye,
McWatt.

Come on, McWatt.

Did you see
what he did?

Make him tell you
what he did.

What'’d you do, Aarfy?

Nothing. Nice girl.
Very nice girl.

She wanted us
to go home with her.

She said she would
show us a good time.

We had a good time.
We saw the Coliseum

and lots of other sights.

Why didn'’t you
take her home?

Come on, I wasn'’t going to take
advantage of such a sweet kid.

Old Aarfy'’s got
some principles.

You'’ve got
a diseased mind.

All she wanted to do was jump
in the sack with somebody.

What'’s the matter
with you?

She'’s mixed up,
that'’s all.

I gave her a good
talking to.

He did!

I straightened her out
and sent her home.

He did! He did!

You crazy bastard!You'’re beneath contempt.

He'’s got a dirty mind,
right, Yossarian?

The dirtiest.Well, I don'’t see it that way.

Guys, they want us
to go home with them.

For how much?

$30!Who'’s the runt?

Nately'’s whore'’s
kid sister.

Come on. I want to spend
some time with my girl.

I'’ll pay for all of us.

Why not give her $30
and send the others away?

Then she'’ll be
angry with me

for making her
work for her money.

She says if I
really loved her,

I'’d send her away
and sleep with the others.

I swear, you fellas.

Come on, Yossarian,
let'’s go.

Go on, you go.

What'’s wrong?

What isn'’t wrong?

Two more missions,
and we'’re on our way home.

Are you kidding?
You know what'’s gonna happen.

No. A whole bunch
of replacement pilots

came into Naples
yesterday.

Who says?
Milo says.

He just came from there with
20 truckloads of coconuts.

We'’ll never see those
replacements or those coconuts.

Ah, Cathcart wouldn'’t dare raise
the number of missions again.

Who'’s gonna stop him?

Somebody will.

Come on.

Nately!

Hey, Nately,
wait for me!

Yo!

All right.

I want to get this clear.

As I understand it,

we'’re presenting
these men with medals

for doing a lousy job,
is that right?

That'’s not quite
the situation, Dad.

When I want an answer
from you, I'’ll look at you,

which will be as seldom
as possible.

General, I think
I can explain it.

You damn well better.

Yesterday'’s mission
was to bomb Ferrara.

Ferrara?

Why Ferrara?

What do you mean,
why Ferrara?

You know what
Ferrara is?

It'’s a town on a hill.

You know what'’s in that town?

Five minutes to target.

What'’s in it? Nothing.

What? Nothing'’s in it.

No Germans,
no munitions,

no railroad crossing,
no harbor, nothing.

Nothing at all?

No, except people,
Italian people.

And a monastery.

Yossarian, maybe it'’s some kind of strategy thing.

What the hell
are we doing?

Yossarian, it'’s not our business to ask.

Whose business is it?

Four minutes
to target.

Take us in, Yossarian.

Get ready to duck.

What are you doing? We'’re not there yet.

Get away from there, Aardvark.

Yossarian, you'’ll screw up the mission.

What'’s going on, Yossarian?

Get ready to turn!

Yossarian, what are you doing?

Cut it out, Yossarian!

Hey! Hey!

Drop!

A direct hit

on the ocean?

Yes, sir.
A marvelous bomb pattern.

We have aerial photographs,
if you'’d like to see them.

Are you telling me we'’re
decorating a bunch of men

who dropped 20 tons
of very expensive bombs

on the Mediterranean?

Well, sir, if you
consider the alternative

The alternative is that we take
the whole crew of numbskulls out

and shoot them.

Might be a problem
there, sir.

All right. I know.

If we can'’t shoot
the sons of bitches,

we can court-martial them,

see they rot
in some stockade.

Well, sir, we felt
that a court-martial

might get unavoidable
publicity.

If it got around we used
one of our missions

to bomb the ocean

You don'’t have to say
anything more, Colonel.

Ten-hut!

For distinguished duty

in the face
of overwhelming

something

Odds.Odds

this air medal
is awarded

to Captain J.S.

McWatt.McWatt.

Come on, come on.

McWatt, what are you
waiting for, a kiss?

Get back in there.

And on the double!

For meritorious
action

in the face of
concentrated enemy fire,

Captain

What'’s this?

Come on, Dumbo.

Yossarian, sir.Yossarian!

Unless I miss my guess,
Captain

you'’re out of uniform.

What are you looking at?

Get back in the car,
you smirking slut.

Why aren'’t you wearing
clothes, Captain?

I don'’t want to.

What do you mean,
you don'’t want to?

Why the hell
don'’t you?

I don'’t know.
I just don'’t want to.

Why isn'’t he
wearing clothes?

He'’s talking
to you.

Why isn'’t he wearing
clothes, Major?

Why isn'’t he wearing
clothes, sergeant?

A man was killed in his plane
over Avignon last week

and bled
all over him.

His clothes
haven'’t come back

from the laundry yet.

Where are his other uniforms?

They'’re in the laundry too, sir.

Where'’s his underwear?

In the laundry, sir.

That sounds like
a lot of crap to me.

It is a lot of crap, sir.

Sir, this man will
be punished severely.

What the hell
do I care?

If he wants to
receive a medal

without any clothes on,

what the hell business
is it of yours?

My sentiments
exactly, sir.

Here'’s your medal, Captain.

You'’re a very weird person,
Yossarian.

Thank you, sir.

You are giving me this?

Yes.
Perché?

Because you'’re
very beautiful

and because
your name is Luciana.

That was
my mother'’s name.

But my real name
is Elinora Rosanna.

I only call myself
Luciana.

Hey! My mother only
called herself Luciana.

Her real name was
Elinora Rosanna.

I don'’t believe you.

I don'’t blame you.

What you
get this for?

Will you believe me
if I tell you the truth?

Yes.
Okay.

I was awarded that particular
medal for killing fish.

Oh-ho. You have
killed many fish?

Oh, yes. I am one
of the biggest--

I am perhaps--
In fact,

I am the most renowned
killer of fish

in the whole United States
Army Air Force.

Okay. I'’ll dance
with you,

but I won'’t let you
sleep with me.

Who asked you?

You don'’t want
to sleep with me?

I don'’t want
to dance with you.

You'’re crazy.Mm-hmm. You think so?

Watch where you put
your hands, G.I.

My name is Yossarian.

Watch where you put
your hands, Yossarian.

It'’s, uh

What'’s his name?
The new gunner?

Snowden.

Yeah.

Snowden.

I'’m cold.

Okay. You'’re
going to be okay.

Cold. I'’m cold.

There.

It'’s starting to hurt me.

Okay. Hang on.

I'’ll get you
some morphine.

Milo!

You prick!

Hi. What'’s up?

Hey, it'’s good
to see you.

When'’d you get out
of the hospital?

Never mind
about the hospital.

We got a couple things
to talk over.

How are you feeling?
How'’s the leg?

I'’m sorry I didn'’t
get over to visit you,

but I'’ve been
in Naples all week.

Milo! I want to know
about that parachute.

What parachute?My parachute!

The one I'’m supposed to use

if I'’ve got to jump
out of the plane.

Oh, that parachute.

I think you have to
remember, Yossarian,

that your parachute was just
1 of 50 or 60 parachutes

taken over by the Syndicate.

I don'’t give a damn
about the Syndicate.

Here, have a tomato.

I don'’t want one of your
goddamn tomatoes.

They'’re the Syndicate'’s
tomatoes, our tomatoes,

just as these
are our statues.

In fact, that'’s where
your parachute went,

all the parachutes.

You traded my parachute
for a bunch of statues?

Well, no. Point of fact,

I traded our diesel engines
for the statues.

I don'’t have
any diesel engines.

I didn'’t say your.
I said our.

I got the diesel engine
for two planeloads of lumber

and 100 pairs of shoes
and the parachutes.

I don'’t think the men in this
squadron will be very happy

when they find out
what you'’ve been doing.

Well, for heaven'’s sake,
don'’t they understand?

We'’re gonna come out
of this war rich.

You'’re gonna
come out rich!

We'’re gonna come out dead!

What does he want?

Who?

Hungry Joe.

What is the matter?

I got a feeling.

I think it is.

What?
Come on.

What is it?I don'’t know,

but if it'’s what
I think it is

It'’s just McWatt.I know it'’s just McWatt.

That bastard'’s been doing
that to me for months.

He'’s jealous of her.Because she likes you better?

No, she likes him better.

Then why doesn'’t she
go out with him?

She can'’t stand him!

Good old McWatt!

What'’s so good about him?

He'’s carrying me
on his manifest.

Every time he goes up,

he files my name
as a passenger.

That way I can get
my flight pay

without having to do
anything stupid

like going up in a plane.

Look!

What is he saying?

He'’s coming back!

Who was it?

Hungry Joe.

I'’ll have to requisition a new
photographer from group.

Is there anything I can do?

McWatt'’s still up there.

Doc Daneeka'’s
up there too.

I'’m right here.

Come on down,
McWatt.

Probably afraid
to come down.

He knows what kind
of trouble he'’s in.

He cut his engine.

McWatt!

Why doesn'’t Daneeka jump?
He'’s got a chute.

I'’m right here, Sergeant.
I'’m not in the plane.

Jump, Doc! Jump!

Jump. Jump, Doc.

Please. Jump.

Jump. Jump.

Poor Hungry Joe.

Poor McWatt.

Poor Doc.

Yeah.

Poor Doc.

I'’ll need a full report
on this, Captain Yossarian.

Yossarian?

I haven'’t seen you
in some time.

Not since

Snowden'’s funeral.

Snowden.

And do you want to
say something, sir?

What?

I just wondered if you
wanted to say anything.

No. No, no.

I didn'’t actually know
the young fellow.

It was his first mission.

Did you know him, Danby?

No, I don'’t think I
ever heard the name.

What was it?

Snowden, I think.

Oh, yes.

Well, I'’ll just
read something.

Yes, you

You do that.

Is something wrong?No. No.

I just thought
I saw something.

Ahem.

A naked man in a tree?

Yes, that'’s it.

That'’s just
Yossarian.

Oh.

Oh. Well, in that case

The Lord is
my shepherd.

I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down
in green pastures.

Hey!

I'’ve been looking
all over for you.

You should'’ve looked
for me in this tree.

I don'’t want to
butt in or anything,

but I just wondered why you
weren'’t wearing your uniform.

I don'’t wanna.

Ah-ha.

Yossarian,
do something for me.

I want to serve this
to the men.

Taste it and let me know
what you think.

What is it?

Chocolate-covered
cotton.

What are you, crazy?No good, huh?

For Christ'’s sake,
you didn'’t take the seeds out!

Is it really that bad?It'’s cotton!

They'’ve got to
learn to like it.

Why?I saw this great opportunity.

I cornered the market
in Egyptian cotton.

How was I supposed to know
there was gonna be a glut?

I'’ve got 100 warehouses
stocked with this stuff

all over the European theater.

I can'’t get rid
of a penny'’s worth.

People eat cotton candy,
don'’t they?

Well, this stuff is better.
It'’s made out of real cotton.

Milo, people
can'’t eat cotton!

They'’ve got to!

It'’s for
the Syndicate!

It will make them sick!

Why don'’t you try it yourself
if you don'’t believe me.

I did, and it
made me sick.

Aah!

Look at that.
Looks like a funeral.

Yeah, they'’re burying that kid

that got killed in my plane
the other day.

Oh? What happened to him?

He got killed.

What?

I said he got killed.

I'’m sorry.

He was your friend?

Maybe. I don'’t know.

He was very old.

But he was a boy.

Well, he died.

You don'’t get
any older than that.

Where do you work?

I'’m not a whore.

I didn'’t say you were.

I work in big
American company.

Me too.

You'’ll see me again?

Mmm.
Why?

Why not?

You think
I'’m beautiful?

I think you'’re perfect.

That'’s not true.

It is true.
No.

See?

Jesus!
How did they, uh?

Air raid.

Germans?

Americane.

You do not
want me now?

What are you talking about?
I want you now.

I want your everything.
I want you to marry me.

You'’re crazy.Why am I crazy?

You can'’t
want to marry me.

Why not?Because I'’m not a virgin.

What does that
got to do with it?

Nobody wants to marry a girl
who'’s not a virgin.

I do. I want to marry you.

Not possible.

Why not?

Because you'’re crazy.Why am I crazy?

Because you
want to marry me.

Wait. You won'’t marry me
because I'’m crazy,

and you say I'’m crazy because
I want to marry you, right?

Sí.
You'’re crazy.

Why?

Because I love you.

Te amo. Te amo molto.

How can you love a girl
who is not a virgin?

Because I can'’t
marry you.

Why you can'’t
marry me?

Just because
I'’m not virgin?

No. Because you'’re crazy!

You'’re crazy.
You'’re crazy.

You'’re all crazy!Why are we crazy?

Because you don'’t know
how to stay alive.

That'’s the secret
of life.

But we have
a war to win.

But America
will lose the war.

Italy will win it.

America'’s the strongest
nation on earth.

The American fighting man
is the best-trained,

the best-equipped,
the best-fed

Exactly. Italy,
on the other hand,

is one of the weakest
nations on earth.

And the Italian
fighting man

is hardly equipped
at all.

That'’s why my country'’s
doing so well

while your country'’s
doing so poorly.

But that'’s just silly.

Italy was occupied
by the Germans,

and is now being
occupied by us.

You call that
doing well?

Well, of course I do.

The Germans
are being driven out,

and we'’re still here.

In a few years,
you'’ll be gone,

and we will
still be here.

You see, Italy is a very poor,
weak country,

and that is what
makes us so strong--

Strong enough
to survive this war

and still be in existence

long after your country
has been destroyed.

What are you talking about?

America'’s not going
to be destroyed.

Never?

Well

Rome was destroyed.

Greece was destroyed.
Persia was destroyed.

Spain was destroyed.

All great countries
are destroyed.

Why not yours?

How much longer do you think
your country will last?

Forever?

Well, forever is
a long time, I guess.

Very long.

Ciao!

Please, we'’re talking.

We go to bed now?

No. Hey, would you go
put some clothes on?

You'’re practically naked.

I wish she wouldn'’t
walk around like that.

But it is her business
to walk around like that.

It'’s not nice.

Of course it'’s nice.

Mmm. She'’s nice
to look at.

This life is not nice.

I don'’t want her
to do this.

When we go to America, Nately?

When we go to America,
Nately?

You will take her
to America?

Away from a healthy,
active life?

Away from good
business opportunities?

Away from her friends?

Don'’t you have
any principles?

Of course not.

No morality?

I'’m a very moral man.

And Italy is
a very moral country.

That'’s why we will certainly
come out on top again

if we succeed
in being defeated.

You talk like a madman.

But I live
like a sane one.

I was a fascist when
Mussolini was on top.

Now that he has
been deposed,

I am anti-fascist.

When the Germans were here,

I was fanatically
pro-German.

Now I'’m fanatically
pro-American.

You'’ll find no more
loyal partisan in all of Italy

than myself.

You'’re a shameful
opportunist.

What you don'’t understand

is that it'’s better
to die on your feet

than to live
on your knees.

You have it backwards.

It'’s better
to live on your feet

than to die
on your knees.

I know.

How do you know?

Because I am
107 years old.

How old are you?

I'’ll be 20 in January.

If you live.

Ciao, Yossarian!

How are you?

We'’ve got to go back.

All the leaves
have been canceled.

Ciao, Yossarian!

Hello, hello, my dear.

You give me a dollar?Mm-hmm.

I pay you back when
we get to America.

Okay, just one.

Just one. One!
Give me that.

Come on, Dobbs.
Milo'’s going to fly us back.

Why are the leaves canceled?I don'’t know.

Milo says the base
is on some kind of alert.

Oh, yeah.

Cathcart raised the number
of missions to 80.

Eighty?
Yeah.

He'’s mad because Captain Orr
lost another airplane.

Where?

Ditched coming back
from Bologna.

Went down on the Mediterranean.

Air-sea rescue
out there?

Yeah.

They picked up
everybody but Orr.

Will you fellas stay away
from the airstrip tonight?

What for?

Just do as I say.

Stay in your tents.

Why?

There it is!

What?

Orr'’s plane.

He'’ll find his way back.

He always does.

He'’ll turn up.

He'’ll sneak in with
that rat-toothed giggle.

Aarfy, if anything
happens to me,

will you take care
of my girl?

Listen to him. His girl.

Yossarian?

Don'’t worry.

Nothing'’s going
to happen to you

that won'’t happen
to the rest of us.

Orr.

Orr.

Orr.

Orr.

I'’ll be through in a minute.YOSSARIAN: No, you won'’t.

You always say that,
and every time you go ahead,

I gotta watch you fitting
some microscopic thing

into that masterpiece of junk
you'’re always messing with.

Then I guess you
haven'’t seen it?

What?

You guess I haven'’t
seen what?

A little square gasket
about this big.

It was here a minute ago.
Have you seen it?

No.I'’ll have to start over again.

Please don'’t do that.

Why?

Because it gives me
a terrible pain.

Why?

Why what?

Why won'’t you
fly with me?

What the hell'’s that got to do
with the pain in my chest

that you and your teeny bolts
and lousy gaskets give me?

It'’s got everything
to do with it.

Are you trying to
tell me something?

Just that
if you were smart,

you'’d fly with me.

You'’ve already
cracked up three planes.

Four.

I'’m a good pilot.

I don'’t want to end up
in the ocean.

You could thank me.

For getting the job?

For finishing
your stove.

Winter'’s coming.

You'’ll have heat,
hot water.

You'’ll be able to boil
eggs and everything.

What do you mean, me?
Where will you be?

I don'’t know.

Here and there.

Orr, there isn'’t anyone
in this squadron

who wants to fly with you.

You'’re a one-man
disaster area.

They'’re crazy.

I agree with them.

You'’re crazy.

Orr?

Orr?

Orr?
He'’s dead.

Who'’s he?Nobody you'’d know.

He'’s just a kid
from my hometown.

He died a few minutes ago.

They came all the way from
the States to see him.

Get in the bed,
will you?

What?

Look, his mother
and his father and his brother

flew all the way here.

They know he'’s dying.

So, what do you
want me to do?

Be him.

Just for
a few minutes.

Then they'’ll
go away.

They came 5,000 miles
to see you before you die.

What are you talking about?
I'’m not dying.

Of course you'’re dying.
We'’re all dying.

But Doc, they'’ll know!

They came here
to see their son!

They'’ll have to take
what they can get.

One dying boy is just
as good as another.

Or just as bad.

Doc, it won'’t work.

Look, these people
have come a long way,

and I don'’t want
to disappoint them.

I'’m sentimental
about old people.

What if they
start crying?

They probably will
start crying.

I'’ll wait right
outside the door.

If it starts
getting sticky,

I'’ll come in
and break it up.

I don'’t think
it'’s gonna work.

Look, do this for me,
and I'’ll do something for you.

Will you ground me?

You know I can'’t.What do you mean?

You can fill out
a slip that says

I'’m on the verge
of a nervous collapse

and send it to group,
can'’t you?

Sure, I can.

Mmm!

But there'’s a catch.

Catch-22?
Yes.

Group has to
approve my action,

and group
isn'’t going to.

They'’ll put you right back
on combat status

and send me to rot
in the Pacific Ocean.

Oh, my God. Here they are.

Start dying.

Do this for me,
and I'’ll send you to Rome

on a five-day R&R.

He looks terrible.

He'’s sick, Pa.

Harvey?

My name is Yossarian.

His name
is Yossarian, Mother.

Yossarian.

Don'’t you
recognize me?

I'’m your
brother John.

Don'’t you know
who I am?

Sure, I do.
You'’re my brother John.

Pa, he knows me.

Yossarian, look.
Here'’s Papa.

Say hello to Papa.

Hello, Papa.

Hello, Harvey.

His name'’s
Yossarian, Pa.

He looks so bad.

He'’s very sick, Pa.

Doctor says
he'’s going to die.

Harvey.

Ma, his name'’s
Yossarian.

She doesn'’t remember
things too good anymore.

That'’s okay.

She can call me Harvey
if she wants to.

Harvey.

Psst.

Don'’t worry, Yossarian.

Everything'’s going
to be all right.

I know.Good.

We came all the way
from New York.

We were afraid we wouldn'’t
get here in time.

In time for what?

In time to see you
before you died.

What difference
would it make?

We didn'’t want you
to die by yourself.

What difference
would it make?

He must be
getting delirious.

He keeps saying the same
thing over and over again.

Harvey--

It'’s not Harvey, Ma.
It'’s Yossarian.

What difference does it make?
He'’s dying.

Listen, kid.

It'’s-It'’s not bad.

I'’m gonna put
a tourniquet on it.

There.

It'’s good.

It'’s a good bandage.

Cold. Cold.

Cold.

It'’s going to
be okay, kid.

We'’ll be home soon.

Does the leg still hurt?

No.

Yossarian? Hey, Yossarian?

You in there?

Orr?

Is that Orr,
you son of a bitch?

It'’s me, Nately.

Nately. What'’s happening?

Jesus, it'’s 3:30 a.m.

It'’s Dobbs.
We'’ve got to stop him.

What do we got
to stop him for?

He'’s going to kill
the colonel.

Cathcart?
Yes.

Dobbs is going to
kill Colonel Cathcart?

Are you crazy?

What the hell'’s
the matter with you?

Nothing'’s the matter with me.

It'’s the first sane
thing I'’ve done.

They'’ll get you for murder.Cathcart'’s a murderer.

He'’ll kill us all
if we don'’t stop him.

Come on.
Give me the gun.

Take it easy.

You just got
a few more missions.

You'’re crazy. Crazy!

He'’ll raise the number again,
and you know it!

You know that!

He'’ll keep us flying missions
till we'’re all dead.

Come on, Dobbs.

What the hell do you care,
you crazy bastard?

You don'’t want to go home
because you'’re still in love

with that greedy
little whore.

You happen to be talking
about my fiancée.

The fiancée of
any guy with 10 bucks

that doesn'’t mind risking
a dose of several diseases

for 15 minutes of phony
moans and groans

on a dirty mattress.

Nately.

Nately? Nately.

Yossarian.

I think I hurt him.

Oh, he'’ll be all right.

Here he comes.

Give me the gun.No, no, no. Listen.

If he raises the number
of missions again,

I swear to God
I'’ll help you kill him.

Really?
I swear.

Well, that'’s very
reasonable of you.

Something'’s going on.

Milo and the colonel,
they'’re up to something.

What are you
talking about?

They'’ve been planning
something up there.

What'’s he doing?

Something.
I don'’t know.

What if they turn
their lights on?

What the fuck?

Yossarian, listen!

What is this?

Look.

Jesus Christ!

They'’re all mad!

All right,
that was good.

Bank left and wait
for further instructions.

All right, number 3.

Be careful not to hit
our storehouses

at the end of the field.

Direct hit on the mess hall,
if you please.

And, number 3

Hold on, number 3.

Yossarian, get off the field.

What? You too, Dobbs.

All right, number 3,
let them go.

You bastards!
Get out of here!

Yossarian, cut that out.

Those are our men
you'’re shooting at.

Take cover.
Those are our men.

This is an M&M
Enterprises operation.

Number 4 and 5,
number 3 did not

get those supplies
by the mess hall.

Now, I told you men
to come in low.

Let'’s get right
on target this time.

Shoddy work will not do.

Dobbs!

What are you doing,
Yossarian?

Get off the field!

I want to see you later.
You'’re confined to base.

I won'’t forget this.

I don'’t think the Air Force
is going to forget about this.

Don'’t be ridiculous,
Yossarian!

What'’s good for
M&M Enterprises

is good for the Air Force!

There goes the bomb dump!

We have to get rid
of that cotton.

The Germans promised
to take it off our hands

if we ran this mission
for them.

It'’s all part of the deal!

There goes
the officers'’ club!

You made a deal
with the Germans

to bomb our own base?

A contract is a contract!

That'’s what
we'’re fighting for!

This is Lieutenant
Minderbinder speaking.

Will you clear
the field, please.

Following this bomb run,

we will begin to strafe.

Strafe?

It'’s all part
of the contract.

There goes
headquarters!

Nately!

Nately!

Nately!

Nately!

Nately!

Nately!

What'’s that?

He said, Nately.

Nately is dead.

I know that.

Who'’s dead?

You'’re not.
He will be soon

if we don'’t get
at that knife wound.

What'’s happening?

We'’re going to operate.

We'’re gonna take a little
look around inside you.

We'’re gonna clean you out
and stitch you up.

Hey.

Yossarian.

Hmm?

We'’ve got your pal.

Hmm?

You heard me.

We'’ve got your pal.

Who? Who'’s my pal? Who?

What'’s he saying?

Something about his pal.

Who'’s his pal?

I don'’t know.
Maybe it'’s Nately.

Nately'’s dead.

Hey, I wouldn'’t go
in there if I were you.

Looks like something'’s
happened.

I got to go find
Nately'’s whore.

I got to tell her
he'’s dead.

Want to come with me?Not now.

I promised this young lady
some stockings and cigarettes.

Oh, yeah?
For her family.

I know them.
First-class people.

Okay.

I'’ll see you later.Sure.

Andiamo.

Yes, we'’re going
up to my room.

Yossarian, you'’d better
get off the streets pretty soon.

It'’s almost curfew.
You don'’t even have a pass.

What happened?

Gone. All gone.

Who?

All the poor young girls.

All gone.

Taken away.

Who took them away?

The White Hats.

The White Hats?
The MPs?

Yes, the MPs.

Well, where did they
take them?

Who knows? All gone.

Where'’s the old man?

Gone.Gone where?

Dead.

What?

He was alive one minute,

then he was dead.

Can'’t be.

Why not?

So where did
they take the girls?

Did they arrest them?

I don'’t know.

They just came in
and took them.

They must have
had a reason.

They couldn'’t just barge
in here and drag them away.

No reason.

What right
did they have?

Catch-22.

What? What did you say?

Catch-22.

What the hell
are you talking about?

How do you know
it was catch-22?

The girls said,

Why are you
taking us away?

The men said,
Catch-22.

The girls said,
What right do you have?

The men said,
Catch-22.

All they kept saying
was Catch-22, catch-22.

What does it mean?

Didn'’t they show it to you?

Didn'’t you ask them to read it
to you?

They don'’t have
to show us catch-22.

Who says so?

The law says so.

What law?

Catch-22.

Milo!

Milo!

Milo, I'’m going to kill you,

you murdering
son of a bitch!

No. Take it easy.
Don'’t hurt him.

I know how you feel,
Yossarian,

but it wasn'’t my fault.

Whose fault was it?

No one'’s.

Nately was a victim of
certain economic pressures.

If you understood anything
about the basic laws

of supply and demand--You unbelievable bastard!

You want me
to take you to her?

Who?
Nately'’s whore.

Isn'’t that who
you'’re looking for?

You know where she is?

Of course I do.

You'’re AWOL, Yossarian.

I thought you
knew better than that.

That'’s not smart.

Nately would never do
anything that dumb.

He'’s dead.It'’s too bad.

He was a nice fellow.

Your boys made a nice
direct hit on him.

But he died a rich man.

He had over 60 shares
in the Syndicate.

What good is that? He'’s dead.Then his family will get it.

He didn'’t have time
to have a family.

Then his parents
will get it.

They don'’t need it.
They'’re rich.

Then they'’ll understand.

Ask for number 33.

Hello, Yossarian.

I didn'’t know.

That I work for Milo?

Everybody works for Milo.

Yeah.

Well, he told me
to ask for number 33.

Mm-hmm, 33.

Ten dollars, please.

No towel, Yossarian.

Hello, Yossarian.Hi, kid.

Where'’s your sister?

In there.

You giving me a dollar?

Yeah.

We go to America soon?

Sure, kid.

Ciao, Yossarian.

Hi.

You make love now?

Uh, no, no.
Listen

I have to tell you
something.

Nately?

Yeah.

He'’s coming?

Uh, no.
Not exactly.

We go to America soon?

Uh, yeah.

Listen--
When we go?

Listen

Nately'’s dead.

Bruto.

Bruto.

It'’s not my fault!

He'’s my friend,
you dumb bitch!

I only raped her once.

You killed her.

I had to do that
after I raped her.

I couldn'’t very well
let her go around

saying bad things
about me, could I?

What did you have to touch her
at all for, you dumb bastard?

Why didn'’t you get
some girl off the streets?

Oh, no. Not me.
I never paid for it in my life.

Get back! Get back!

Aarf, are you insane?

They'’re going to
throw you in jail.

You just killed a girl.
You threw her out the window.

She'’s lying out there
in the street!

She has no right
to be there, you know.

It'’s after curfew.

Don'’t you realize
what you'’ve done?

You murdered
a human being!

They can hang you!

I hardly think they'’ll do that,
not to good old Aarfy.

I don'’t think
they'’d make such a fuss

over one Italian girl

when thousands of lives
are being lost every day.

Aarfy, listen,
they'’re coming for you.

They'’re coming to arrest you.

You can'’t take the life
of another human being

and get away with it,
don'’t you understand?

They'’re coming to get you!

Captain Yossarian?

Yes.

You'’re under arrest.

But I didn'’t--

You'’re AWOL.

We'’re sending you home.

What?

I said we'’re
sending you home.

You know, Yossarian,
you really have been

making things terribly
difficult for Colonel Cathcart.

The men are unhappy.

Morale is beginning
to deteriorate.

It'’s all your fault.

It'’s his fault for raising
the number of missions.

No. It'’s your fault
for refusing to fly them.

Haven'’t you got any patriotism?

Wouldn'’t you give
your life for your country?

Wouldn'’t you give your life
for Colonel Korn and me?

What have you and Colonel Korn
got to do with my country?

You'’re not the same thing.

You'’re a disgrace
to your country.

I'’d like to know how you got
to be a captain, anyway.

You promoted me.

That has got nothing
to do with it!

Let me. Let me.

Captain, I'’d like to appeal

to your better judgment
one more time.

There'’s a mission
about to start.

Now, you can get your gear
and get on that plane,

and we'’ll just pretend
all of this never happened.

Yossarian, wouldn'’t it
make you feel proud

to know that you
served in an outfit

that averaged more
combat missions per person

than any other?

Don'’t you want to earn
more unit citations

and more oak leaf clusters
on your air medal?

Don'’t you want
to contribute further

to this fleet record
by flying more missions?

No.

In that case,

we'’ll just have
to send you home.

Of course,
there'’s one catch.

Oh, yeah?
What'’s that?

Well, we will issue orders
sending you back to the States,

and there'’s one thing you'’ll
have to do for us in return.

What would that be?

Like us.

Like you?

Like us.

You'’ll be surprised
how easy it is

to like us once you begin.

You see, Yossarian,

we'’re going to put you
on easy street.

We'’re going to promote you
to major.

Gonna give you another medal.

Gonna glorify your exploits,

send you home a hero.

You'’ll have parades
in your honor.

You can make speeches,

raise money for war bonds.

And all you have to do
is be our pal.

Say nice things about us.

Tell the folks at home
what a good job we'’re doing.

Take our offer,
Yossarian.

It'’s either that,

or a court-martial
for desertion.

What about the other men
in the squadron?

I'’d be playing a pretty
dirty trick on them, wouldn'’t I?

They'’ll be happier
when you'’re gone.

They won'’t even
think about you.

They have
a war to win.

Well, what the hell.

If they don'’t want to fly
any more missions,

let them stand up
and say so like I did.

Precisely!

Exactly.

It'’s a deal.

Help.

Help him.

What?

Help him! Help him!

Help who?

Help the bombardier!

I'’m the bombardier.
I'’m all right.

Then help him! Help him!

Cold. I'’m cold.

It'’s going to be
okay, kid.

We'’ll be home soon.

Does the leg still hurt?

No.

There, there.

There, there.

There, there.

May we come in?
Sure.

I see you'’re all alone.Yep.

Well, you'’re
going home.

I don'’t know if I am.

Oh, sure you are. I'’ve got
your orders right here.

That parade they'’re
rehearsing is for you.

You'’re a hero.

And you'’re gonna
get a medal

for stopping that Nazi
from killing Cathcart.

That wasn'’t a Nazi.
That was Nately'’s whore.

She tried to kill me because
I told her about Nately.

But the colonel
said that--

It'’s part of a deal
I made with them.

They send me home a hero,

and I say wonderful things
about them back in the States.

Oh.

That'’s a lousy deal,
isn'’t it?

Isn'’t it?

Well

Isn'’t it?

I don'’t know. I'’m--
I'’m not here to judge you.

What are you here for?

I'’m not too sure
about that either.

What would you do
if you were me?

I don'’t know.

I mean, I'’m not you.

Imagine that you are me.

Well, that'’s hard.

Sometimes I even
have trouble

imagining
that I'’m me,

if you know
what I mean.

Well, I'’m gonna
call the deal off.

If they want to send me home,
let them do it

because I'’ve flown
over 50 missions,

not because I'’m a stubborn
son of a bitch.

They can'’t do that.

They'’d have to send home
every man in the outfit.

That'’s their problem.No. That'’s your problem,

because they'’ll
court-martial you.

I'’m afraid you'’re gonna
have to make the best

of a bad situation.
No.

No what?

Listen, I'’ve been lying
in this bed for three weeks now

thinking about it,
and all I know

is that I don'’t
want to go to prison,

and I can'’t play
Cathcart'’s games.

Well

what else can you do?

I can run away.

You'’ll desert?
Why not?

How would you ever
get off the base?

That'’s insane.Sure, it is.

That'’s why it'’s the only
sensible thing for me to do.

Yossarian,
they'’ll call you a coward.

It'’s your country.Oh, Christ.

I'’ve flown 55 missions.

I'’ve been fighting for
my country for three years.

Now I'’m gonna start
fighting for myself.

Suppose everyone
felt that way?

Then I'’d be a damn fool
to feel any different.

But what would
your friends say?

I haven'’t got any.

Nately was blown
to bits.

McWatt killed
himself.

Hungry Joe'’s
chopped in two.

Dobbs disappeared.

Aardvark'’s a murderer.

Doc Daneeka'’s
a zombie.

They'’re all gone.

The only friend
I had was Snowden,

and I didn'’t
even know him.

What about Orr?

Orr'’s at the bottom
of the sea.

A fish ate him.

No, he isn'’t.
Don'’t you know?

Know what?Orr'’s in Sweden.

What?

After 16 weeks at sea,

Captain Orr
was found washed ashore

by a trio of
Swedish Girl Scouts.

It'’s a miracle.

Apparently he rowed
all the way.

He rowed?

Yeah, in that tiny,
little raft!

To Sweden?

All the way to Sweden?

He'’ll sit out
the rest of the war.

It'’s a miracle.

It'’s no miracle.
He has to have planned it.

You mean he went
to Sweden--

It'’s 4,000 miles away!

That'’s what he meant
when he said

that crash landing
was good practice?

He was planning it
all this time.

Practicing getting
shot down in the sea!

On every mission
that he flew.

No, no, no.

That is a miracle.

Practicing getting shot.

He made it!

He made it!

He made it!

That son of a bitch made it!

Are you crazy?
Is he crazy?

If he made it,
so can I!

We'’ve got to stop him.

I can do it, Danby!

They'’ll catch you.
They'’ll bring you back.

I can do it.This is insane!

I can do it.What about your clothes?

They'’ll never recognize me
without my uniform.

You'’ll be on the run
with no friends.

You'’ll live in constant
danger of betrayal.

I live that way now.

Yossarian, for
God'’s sake, hurry up!

So long, Chaplain.

How do you feel,
Yossarian?

Fine.

Except I'’m scared to death.

You'’ll have to keep on
your toes every minute.

I'’ll keep on my toes.

You'’ll have to jump.

I'’ll jump.Jump!