Original subtitles

In Gaffney, we have our own brand of diplomacy.

Shake with your right hand.

Hold a rock on your left.

In Gaffney.

In Gaffney.

In Gaffney, we have our own brand of... Are you okay, Mr. Andrew?

Yes.

Fine. Thank you.

It'll be fun.

Everyone's flying in, meet up with the old gang, unveil a plinth. Who was he

again? Ray Tolmer, Assistant Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister

Services. After you.

No, no, no, you go ahead.

No, honestly, I don't normally have a big breakfast. Are you suggesting I do?

Oh, we hated Ray Tolmer. It's true, he and I did clash occasionally.

I thought you said you couldn't stand to be in the same room as him. Oh, that

Ray Tolmer.

Well, it's a memorial service, so he's not actually in the same room.

I mean, if it was a funeral, yeah, fair enough, you wouldn't catch me dead

there. So what about you girls? You want to come along and help celebrate the

life of a great Australian?

What do you mean, girl?

I'm your daughter. She's not.

I resent being lumped in with a casual employee via an infantilising collective

noun. Well, if you're too busy, fair enough.

What about you, Ellen?

Got anything planned for today?

Well, there is that book we're supposed to be writing.

This will be great for the book. There's nothing that makes the cream of

Australian politics rise to the surface more than the pasteurising process of a

memorial service.

I don't want to cause any trouble, and Carol seemed a little... No, no, no, no,

no. She'll be fine. Now, this is about me. It's not about you. She's really

out to get him ever since the psychotherapist told her that he's too

Yeah, well, this is bullshit psychotherapy.

You should go, Ellen. Meet all of Andrew's famous friends. Get some nice

about him.

Everyone's always nice about everyone at memorial services.

Just in case.

It would be good to do some work on the book at some stage.

Well, I'm relaxing into it. I need to be in the mood before I open up. I'll give

you some trigger words.

You're like the Manchurian candidate.

Hey, I'm right here. I don't want to step on Carol's toes, and I don't have

anything appropriate to wear.

Why don't you wear something of Carol's? I don't think she'd like that. Or

something of mine.

Darling, she did say appropriate.

She could wear that black number with the six -inch Jimmy Twos, Alan. It'd

fantastic in that.

I'll come with you, Mr. Dugdale, sir.

It'd be an honour. No, Curtis, you'll be driving us there.

Well, if I'm going to be there anyway, you may as well come with me.

All ready, Chase?

Oh, about that.

Oh, no, no, no, you'll get a cramp if you eat that.

Mr. Andrew, je n 'ai pas donné de food poisoning à quelqu 'un depuis demi

-quatre. You're doing well this morning, aren't I?

All right, there's a couple of laps around the block.

Get the car out.

No, no, Curtis, we're jogging. Rightio.

I'd love to, darling, but I'm off to the tennis club.

Javier is tightening my strings and I want to make sure he does it properly.

Well, Sonny can do that for you, can't you, Sonny? I'd love to.

No, thank you, Sonny.

I've already booked in and besides, Javier does this sort of thing for a

What I could do is an exercise before we get down to work.

I'll just put some shorts on. Well, Sonny, you want to come along with us

that you've been stood up? No, no thanks. I've got to write that speech

giving to the National Press Club.

All right. Well, not too many verbs because it confuses them.

It's all right. Never go wrong. You can speak.

Tubbs Taylor gave me that. He autographed it too, but it washed off.

Grandpa. Yeah.

Hey, Grandpa.

Hey, boy. Have a good day at school, OK?

Curtis, don't forget to get me a copy of Quadrant on your way back.

Don't you worry about justifying the trip, sir. I don't even log the school

-offs and pick -ups anymore.

Yes, yes, thank you, Curtis. Never been caught faking records yet, and I don't

intend to start now. Very good. I'm very discreet, Mr Dugdale, sir. Good. You

just asked Peter Slipper. Yes, thank you, Curtis. It's okay, Andrew. I'm

ghostwriting your memoir. It's not getting dirt on you for 50 minutes. No,

no, no. You write out how you see it.

Incidentally, I only read Quadrant for the article.

Come on.

Yeah, I've got two preferred circuits.

Down there and to the right.

Or down here and frequently sideways.

Neil! Hello.

Hello.

I think you've doubled your security retinue, I see. Very nice.

No, this is Ellen LeBlanc. She is my biographer.

Enchanté, mademoiselle.

Cheers, yeah.

Ellen, you've heard, I think, me mention Neil Blanchard? I have, yeah.

Nice to meet you, Your Excellency. Oh, former Excellency, actually. I'm

finishing up as Governor -General and taking over as a UN envoy in the Middle

East, thanks to your boss here. It wasn't exactly a recommendation, Neil.

Miles, when you're tired of this pompous old windbag, you give me a call, won't

you? Will do, Your Excellency.

So that hotel you're staying at doesn't have a treadmill?

Oh, you know, you get a bit spoiled with the Admiralty House gym, so when I'm

away from Yarralumla, I like to try and keep my feet in the real world.

Yeah, sure, sure. It's miles out of your way, though. So what, did George and

Lenny here drive you here in their van?

Oh, we like to mix things up a bit. What is it we always say, guys?

Never establish a pattern, sir.

Never establish a pattern. See, I bet Miles here has got you running out of

those gates at 7 .46 every morning, regular as a dose of salt. If anyone had

half a mind to get their name in the paper, you'd be a sitting duck.

Well, I don't think I loom as largely as you do in the fantasies of lonely

psychotics, Neil.

You say that like it's a bad thing. The day people stop hating you is the day

your book deal gets cancelled. Just ask your boss, we'll hear.

Hatred is a big market, particularly in political memoirs. Well, that's

certainly why I bought Bob Brown's. Anyway, I love this tree -lined street

that beautiful little park you've got up the corner.

Yes, I try and avoid that park. It's a well -known beat.

Not that I'm judging.

Anyway, not holding you up, am I? No, no, no. I was worried we were holding

up. So we'll see you at the memorial service.

I'm looking forward to it. Me too. And last lap, everybody.

Come on.

Excuse me. Last lap. Excuse us.

It's our Prime Minister!

Prime Minister! We voted for you, Mr. Doug! Did you? Oh, that's lovely, yes!

No, not Doug!

Hello,

Grandpa!

Go to school, boy!

Are you sure we shouldn't ring for an ambulance?

I'm absolutely fine. I have a hiatal hernia and sometimes after breakfast it

put on a bit of a show.

The last thing I need is a piece in the paper about being rushed to hospital.

Andrew will tell you. He's worried about seeking his envoy ship.

Neil, at the very least, I insist that you see a doctor.

I am a doctor, Andrew, remember? All I need is some antacid. Ah, she is, yeah.

Meet her.

a medical degree isn't quite the same as seeing a qualified cardiologist. You

don't need a cardiologist for a gastrointestinal problem.

Anyone with a medical degree will tell you that, as indeed I just have.

When I first met Andrew at uni, I was going out with Neil.

Well,

I wouldn't exactly call him a friend or a work colleague, I think. Well, Neil

was the real catch. All the girls...

loved him, and I think that's actually the really appealing thing about him for

me. Well, the friction between us started when he was party leader.

They were having this big debate in the refectory. I think it was about union

fees or something, and they were both supposed to be on the same side, and

ended up arguing with each other. It was the first election year, and the

parties that we decided that Neil wasn't the man for the job.

Well, Muggins here gets asked to shore up the numbers so that Bill Cady can

over. We win, I get the deputy leadership, and Neil becomes Governor

a sort of consolation prize.

And Neil has always blamed me for the coup.

But I have never regretted hitching my wagon to Andrew Starr, not even for one

moment. I mean, Neil has done very well for himself, it's true, but Andrew's my

rock. In fact, he often says...

that if he has to be chained to one forever like Prometheus getting his

pecked out every day by a giant eagle, then he's glad it's me.

We had sex in the back of my father's ute.

That's marriage, Ellen.

Sorry to interrupt.

No, that's fine. Hi.

Hi.

Kath, if it's all right with you, I thought I might get changed for the

here. Yes, of course.

I'll get my driver to bring my speech and my suit.

Is there anywhere where I could wash up?

Sure. Only if it's no bother.

No, no, not at all.

You can use my bathroom.

Actually, I'll come with you and show you where everything is.

Cat, I think I should take your mic off.

You back up. It's our driveway.

The Viceroyal flag since the Edward Crown number plate means that I outrank

so you back up.

There's a dual parking space near the tool shed you can easily reverse into so

can get out.

Security are parked there, so it'd be a lot easier if you reversed back out into

the roadway.

All clear.

Are you sure she won't notice? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's got so many clothes, she won't even notice.

Wow.

These have still got the tags on them. Yeah, don't ask. Pick out when you like.

I'll watch the door.

Are you sure?

I get the feeling she doesn't like me, and this is not going to help.

It's not about you. That's just Carol. She doesn't like anybody.

She blames Andrew for everything. He feels guilty. He throws money at her.

resents it. She's... She was my daughter. I just sorted her out years

Of course it would mean you'd be married to Catherine.

Or Andrew.

You're going to need some shoes.

Some black, some dark. You know, it's a memorial service.

Are you sure this isn't a bother?

No.

I've got absolutely nothing on at the moment.

Oh, that reminded me. I must call and cancel my appointment with Javier.

So, what do you think?

It's a dangerous game.

The PM might rule Neil out if he thinks he's out of health care, but if it comes

out you're the one who leaked that to the press, you can say goodbye, not just

to the Middle East job, you can say goodbye to any appointment, including

seat on the ACB. People won't trust you.

Well, at least I'll still find out whether I'm on the short lift.

The book, Andrew, is the best way to get people to think of you fondly again.

Yeah, well, it's not been such a wonderful life, Henry.

Helen's got her work cut out for her spinning gold out of all this dross.

Well, so go out and do a few nice things now.

Have a few regrets. Make sure there's a chapter in the book about redemption,

Andrew. People love all that mea culpa crap.

Did you kiss and make up with Ray before he died, like I told you?

You know I don't like hospitals.

Yes, that was reasonably clear from your health policy.

My point, Andrew, is that people don't mind a man being flawed, but they do

to see him beat himself up about it from time to time. Go out and right a few

wrongs. Say sorry to a few people.

Yeah, well, I've never been very good at saying sorry.

Animals.

Sweetie.

Have you seen Sonny? He knows how to tie these things. Sonny. Yeah, yeah, see,

the triangle's gone all wonky. I actually don't know where he is. Isn't

you? No, I think I would have noticed that.

Sorry to interrupt you, Mr Dugdale, sir, but is Mrs Dugdale up here? No. Well,

she might be. No, definitely not up here. I was just wondering if she's

going to the tennis club to get this restrung because I've given it the once

over and it seems all right. Well, she might be in her bedroom. No, she, ah,

she, I know where she is now. She's downstairs enjoying a dip.

In the kitchen?

In the swimming pool.

Right. Dad, can I help you with it? Oh, right.

No, I'll be fine. There's probably an instructional video on YouTube.

Good idea. Thank you. Very nice of you.

Bye -bye.

Here it is. The nerve planter.

Ah, the old eight channel.

Did not know they still made these.

BCA and FOSREC?

Mm -hmm.

On order.

But I did get this baby the other day.

It's a Smith & Wesson M &P Pro Series semi -automatic 9mm Parabellum with

titanium night sight and stainless steel lanyard pin.

Cute.

Balance is a little off.

Really? Guy Bordoff had like 96 % positive feedback rating.

Look, if you're serious about close protection work, you need more than a

gun and these tinker toys.

What say we show him what a real professional uses to ensure the safety

VIP?

Carol? Mum, I would like to have a word with you, please.

Darling, something terrible has happened. No, what I have to say is

What you do in your private life is none of my business, but I don't appreciate

having to lie on your behalf.

Dr. Gell says that I let myself get too much up in your dramas and I forget

what's important to me. He's lying to me. Dead.

What? Who's dead?

I tried that already.

I'm administering CPR, not humping him to death.

He cannot be found here like this.

Think of your father.

Our dad knows what you like. He's married to you.

What are we going to do?

Put some underpants on him for a start.

Check if the coast is clear.

Come on.

We'll put him somewhere where his staff will expect to find him.

Back of his car.

Back to this car, yeah. No one will think anything. I'm to warn them.

My God,

is he all right?

What the hell's going on?

It's okay, we can explain.

I like my shoes.

And my dress.

I'll call the police, yeah?

Call no one.

And with bodies much less fresh than this one.

So it's got adjustable folding stock, top and bottom Picatinny rails, Ambit

controls. And a bonus mag X25 extended Glock 21 clip.

Wow.

Great attention to detail.

Don't blame you, Neil.

Don't blame you at all. Nice work, girls.

Sonny, shut the fuck up, for Christ's sake.

Absolutely beautiful.

Yeah, Sonny's always saying I should stop and smell the roses, or at least

at them occasionally, make sure the gardener's doing his job properly.

You know, funny thing about Ray, I didn't like him, and I never told him

felt.

Which is a pity, I think.

Because it gets too late too soon in life, doesn't it?

You don't want to wait until somebody's memorial service to say all the things

that you should have said years ago.

So I just wanted to let you know that I've always been jealous of you.

I think the only difference between you and I is that I wanted it more.

And it wasn't Bill's idea to get rid of you as leader. It was mine.

I didn't think you could win.

I talked Bill into recommending you for Governor -General out of guilt.

I know.

It's all about me making myself feel better by pulling the strings behind the

scenes like some sort of deranged puppet master.

That's who I am.

Now this is our personal favourite.

The SR -98.

Original Schmidt and Bender sight.

Free float barrel.

Threaded for your silencer.

Folding stock, adjustable butt and cheek pad.

But if you really want to reduce noise and visible muzzle flash, you can't go

past... Your OTS -38 Detchkin 5 -shot.

I'm not expecting any words of comfort from you, Neil.

I just wanted to say that... Well, actually, I wrote it out in a card.

I'll read it for you, if you like.

Dear Neil, the time has now come to turn a new page by righting the wrongs of

the past and move forward with confidence to the future.

Yours faithfully, Andrew Dugdale.

I'll just put it over here for you when you're done.

Good chat.

Good chat.

I think those are lilies.

lay peacefully in his sleep earlier today while visiting the home of

He was 57.

I didn't even mention our name.

57? Mr Blanchard was visiting Melbourne to attend, along with many other

Canberra identities, the memorial service of former Federal MP Ray Tolmer.

was to have dedicated a plinth in his honour.

He'll be missed.

Sports up next with Fats McCready.

And nothing at all about the fact that I'm unveiling the plinth now.

I'll check your Facebook alerts.

Yes. It's not about you, Andrew.

It's about Neil.

Oh, it's always about Neil.

Oh, for God's sake, the man is dead.

Yeah, you don't have to tell me that. I was the last one with him before he

died. It's probably not my place to say this, but will we have to replace the

water in the swimming pool?

Because once a possum got into our rainwater tank, and when my wife hosed

the bins, they really smelled.

I think it's great you're able to make your peace with him. Well, thank you.

Mind you, when I go, I don't want people to feel obliged to say nice things

about me around a plinth.

I feel obliged to say them now while I'm still alive.

Around a plinth?

Around a plinth, around a statue or a commemorative plaque or the wing of a

home. It doesn't matter. My point is that you should make your peace now with

your loved ones before it's too late.

Dad, I didn't realise he meant that much to you.

Who's that?

Neil Blanchard.

Oh, Neil, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, absolutely.

Although I was referring more to myself at the end there.

Actually, you should include some of that in the book, because it's good

I'll be upstairs reading The Bell Jar.

It's good stuff, but maybe now's not the right time.

Well, you're the one who was going on about the deadline.

Yes,

Rita.

Perhaps they're God's tears.

Too often I think politics is about the way in which we get things done rather

than what we do.

It is seldom about statesmanship and rarely, if ever, about leadership.

We've lost one of the good ones, and I'm not talking about Ray Tolmer.

Ray was, and I'm sure his wife and children wouldn't mind me saying this,

arsehole.

No, I'm talking about Neil Blanchard, a Governor General and the great white

hope for peace in the Middle East.

a man who knew the difference between human rights and a punch in the nose.

I would gladly take a million Neil Blanchards any day over one Ray Tolma.

In fact, with your permission, I would like here and now to rededicate this

plinth to my friend, the late Neil Blanchard.

Obviously, we would get that re -engraved.

Nice speech, particularly the bit about human rights and the punch in the nose.

I stole that from a Jimmy Stewart movie.

The arsehole bit's mine.

I'll be sure and mention it in the bibliography.

What are you doing?

Don't give me help.

Knockity knock.

Come in.

I brung you some nibblies from the memorial thingy.

Oh, you needn't have bothered, Curtis. I don't have much of an appetite tonight.

No bother at all. I got more in the boot.

It was just going to go to waste and they had plenty.

Mind you, we did leave early, so maybe they would have eaten them.

Can I run something by you, Curtis?

It's kind of a private matter.

I need some advice.

Something's wrong, isn't it?

I can always tell.

My wife says I have a sick sense about these things.

Women trouble.

You deleted those photos of Carol, didn't you, for God's sake? No, no, no,

nothing like that.

Because my wife made me get rid of that disc you burned for me. No, it's just...

I think I might have killed Neil

Blanchard.

Kind of shot him with a rifle.

I would probably keep that quiet.

In my experience, assassinations, even by accident, are never good on a resume.

That's why I never got to drive for Cory Bernardi.

I was working as a receptionist at the Ecuadorian embassy in London when Mr

Assange came to stay.

He was such a slob. He'd leave his towels all over the floor. He'd never

his bed. Magazines everywhere.

It was terrible.

Mr. Andrew was in London to be photographed with Boris Johnson.

You know, a tech man.

They were on bikes. It was for the Commonwealth Games or some shit.

I was in a road buying breakfast things for his bloody majesty when Mr. Dogdale

and Mr. Johnson come in to be photographed next to a giant pyramid of

and do the thumbs up, you know.

They were on sale.

He saw my trolley was full of Vegemites because Mr. Assange is such a pig, he

eats it by the spoon.

Anyway, one thing led to another and Mr. Andrew arranged my 457 visa.

I come to Australia and I work here, so.

I'd do anything for him.

But still, I say too much.

Some things should be kept secret.