Original subtitles

Well, I've not really come out for this sort of job.

Morning,

darling. So sorry to bother you so early.

What time is it? It's 10 a .m., my angel. Do you want me to open the blinds

you? It's just that today is the start of the public service shutdown, so we

lose our staff for the day. Now, Ray Tolmer assures me that the Senate will

approve the raising of the debt ceiling, so hopefully only 24 hours of doing

things for ourselves.

Can't we cancel the dinner?

We did discuss this, darling.

We'll make it for tomorrow night.

You do realize, don't you, how long it took us to get the Palestinian

and the Israeli embassy degree on a date?

How long?

I'm not sure exactly, you'd have to ask Tony, but it was some time.

There you go, just how you like your men, weak and with saccharin.

Anyway, it's no big deal.

I'm doing the shopping, you're setting the table, that's all.

Can't we just take them out for a beef vindaloo?

Darling, if you want to be the wife of the next MEPP special envoy to the UNGA,

we're going to have to carry favour with these people.

And you can't do that with a beef vindaloo.

Dietary requirements in the Middle East are an absolute minefield.

You want to get these people together. It's got to be kosher. It's got to be

halal. You need special dishes.

You need an extra fridge. You need to lay the meat on a certain angle to bleed

it. You need certificates.

You've got to show that you're culturally sensitive in the Middle East

Christ knows you know what they're like over there.

Don't pretend to be all noble.

You only want the job so that Neil Blanchard won't have it.

That is not true. This is about selflessness.

Revenge is a happy by -product.

Anyway, it'll be fun.

The old team back together again, eh?

That was close.

No, no, no, Rita. No, no, no. You shouldn't be doing that.

She's not working. You're just being nice, aren't you, Rita?

Yes. What if she scalded herself? It'd be an insurance nightmare.

You go home, Rita. You're on holiday.

Ugh, unpaid holiday.

Did you get that post -it note about playing the viola tonight?

Yeah. Wrote no and stuck it on your shaving mirror. Excellent.

Morning, everyone.

Jam at Pollyanna.

Curtis!

You should be off enjoying yourself as well.

Oh, I'm enjoying myself, Mr Dugdale, too.

Plus, I wouldn't trust anybody else to look after the old girl.

You do realise that window's open, don't you?

Just airing it out, Mr Dugdale.

Bloody dog got in there last night and went berserk.

I don't know what he's been eating. It certainly doesn't agree with him. Well,

just make sure you clean all that drool off the window.

He's been foaming a lot at the mouth lately, Mr Dugdale. Sure, just say... I

think it's the pollen.

Yeah, we'll just finish up ASAP because I've got to get to the market. No can

do, Mr Dugdale, sir.

Seats are still wet.

Most of the world gets their news online and he still gets his off the driveway.

He's old -fashioned that way. That's why he married him.

Why doesn't he just Google himself like everybody else?

He likes doing the crossword.

Honestly, he's worse than Paul Keating.

Every quote, every picture, cut out and stuck straight in the album.

I used to be a paperboy.

On the bike every morning, half past six.

Nothing changes, eh, stud?

Well, I can't, I'm afraid, Catherine.

I'm off duty today like everybody else.

What? I'm on staff here, so... No go, girl.

But you're my lover.

Lover.

Yes, but...

I'm not employed on that basis. You see, my salary comes out of general

services.

Yes, but what you do with your spare time is nobody's business but yours and

mine. No, no, but if I hang around, Andrew might suspect something. He's

to be out all day. It wouldn't feel right.

You're meeting someone else, aren't you?

No. Who is she?

I'm not. I can always tell when you're lying.

I'm always lying.

A little love triangle doesn't work when you put another side on it.

Catherine, I'm not seeing anybody.

Andrew suggested I should take the day off in solidarity with the rest of the

help.

Did he?

Hmm.

This is the first actual day I've had off since I started working for Andrew,

yes.

Um... You don't get any rest at the weekends.

Even when it's a proper holiday, there is always some meltdown you've got to

deal with back here.

It goes all the time.

I can remember taking my mother's ashes back to Ireland in 2000,

and I'm on the parapet of Ross Castle about to scatter them into the glen, and

get a call from Guess Who saying he can't find his stapler.

Why didn't you just turn your phone off?

Well, I mean, yeah, I mean, I'm going to do that today because the CPSU say I'm

not allowed to receive any calls or emails.

I'm not even allowed to answer a text.

So I'm actually looking forward to it.

What other product in this day and age is delivered by having it hurled at your

front door by a moving car?

It's true, Mr D. Most days it doesn't even make it over the fence.

Well, easy to get over those paywalls on the internet, eh, Rita?

Print is dead.

Gutenberg was wrong.

Well, he was pretty good in those Police Academy films.

Good one, Mr D. You can use that if you want, Ellen.

He's a bit old as a cultural reference point. Really? Police Academy?

Well, Miles is young. He got it.

Did you, Miles?

Not really, no.

Why did you laugh then?

You employ me?

See? There's your problem right there.

You haven't got a problem with Sonny staying on for a hit, have you, darling?

Um, well, I think you'll be a little bit busy today, darling, with the dinner

preparation. As will we all.

I'm not playing the viola.

Darling, you know how I get if I don't have my workout.

Well, I just set up the ball machine for you, Mrs. D.

Mind your own fucking business, Miles.

Roger that. Well, our hands are tied, darling. I mean, the debt ceiling

Don't give me the debt ceiling means.

I notice you've got all the people you need here.

Well, well, to be fair, I mean, Rita's having a bite before she goes home, and

Miles' job isn't to make the coffee.

Oh, I'll say. He's making them out of the goodness of his heart. And as for

Ellen here, she gets paid by the publisher, so she doesn't count.

Morning, Kath.

Morning, Kath.

And what about him?

Does he count?

No, I don't think he can read either.

Good one, Mr. D.

Oh, shut up and make me some more eggs.

No can do, Mrs. D.

I'm due at the embassy at 0900 hours.

It's already half past ten.

All righty then. A poach scrambler and a power shake.

Thanks.

Great car.

You get another couple of holes put in the muffler, I could almost hear that

radio station you were listening to.

Mind you, I was 15 with it, so maybe I should be grateful.

This is a favour, you know. I'm supposed to be your ghost rider, not your

chauffeur. This will be great for the book, this dinner.

Jimmy Carter did his best work after the presidency.

The Geneva Accord, the Nairobi Agreement.

Let's face it, I'm not going to be recognised for deregulating the

goods industry.

Big day planned, Sonny.

Soon as I finish here, I'm off home to take the wife in for some x -rays of her

leg.

She's been looking forward to it for weeks.

Wow, that sounds great, Curtis. I wish I was doing something that exciting.

You can come if you want.

No, no, I wouldn't want to be a gooseberry.

Lean into it, Rita.

Like you're absorbing your own momentum.

No. No, down there.

Rita, down there.

After the last fold, you should have a reasonable facsimile of the Sydney Opera

House. Well done, you.

Now we move on to lesson two.

From down there and across.

That's it. You're getting it.

There, yeah.

See? What the hell do you think you're doing?

I'm just giving readers some pointers.

I thought you said you were taking the day off.

Well, I was just walking past on my way out. Yeah, well, just keep walking,

fella. Catherine, I'm...

What are you staring at, dopey?

Oh, I was just admiring Rita's lobs.

Well, come inside, please.

I've got a job for you.

I think we've been here before.

Well, I wish I'd come back as somebody who could read Sonny's handwriting.

I thought he printed it out for you.

No, he did, but he put these post -it notes on so I didn't have to read the

whole thing. I can't make head nor tail of it.

Hello? Bush is supposed to be near the western entrance.

Why don't we just ask someone?

No, no, no, no. I don't like asking people for help. It makes me feel needy

dependent. Could you ring Sonny asking what that word is? I'm not ringing

Apparently this is the first day he's had to himself since his appendectomy.

right, all right, all right. Well, let's go outside and try and find the western

entrance.

You are here. I know where I am. Why doesn't it tell me where to go?

There's a butcher just there.

You can't go and ask him where another butcher is. Why not?

Because it's conflict of interest.

Ah, hello there, lovely lady. Hi there.

Can you tell me, is there a halal butcher around here?

Yeah, we do halal meat here. Choice cuts too, bloody lovely.

Certified? Yeah, comes with a certificate.

What are you after?

Topside, my dance, we've got a lovely brisket out the back?

No, no, no, we're after a boneless tenderloin roll.

Ah, beauty.

Got one out the back ready to go.

Hello? Yeah, hello as they come.

One for your sake.

What's with all the winking?

He's just being friendly.

He's undermining everything he says.

Maybe it's a tick brought on by mad cow disease.

Yes, well, let's hope so.

Oh, lucky laughs.

I'm cuts for a prime minister.

Very good. There's your certificate.

Thank you. What else can I do you for?

Is there a kosher butcher nearby?

Yep, we can do kosher meat as well.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Won't find better anywhere else.

Hey, back in a moment.

Same cut of meat. How does that work? I don't imagine they're doing the flooring

on the premises.

No, no, I see how it works. The rabbis work in one side of the cow and the

work in the other. And the kosher meat over here is ala akbar. Suddenly it's

halal as well. It's a good system. They probably make them off -site like those

egg sandwiches at the airport.

You can't get kosher egg sandwiches.

Today is your lucky day.

Last turkey in the shop, as it turns out. Very good. And there is your

certificate of authenticity.

Thanks very much for your help. No problem.

That'll be $112.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, there you go. Thank you.

And just a reminder, sir, there's a two -for -one offer on the house probably

for the next hour.

Thanks. No, it's just me today.

All done, Mrs Dugdale.

Nice work, Curtis, but I don't think we're going to need quite that many.

Muslims don't drink alcohol, and I think the Israeli ambassador is teetotal.

Tea, eh? Total, yes.

Cups and sauces, then.

No alcohol. Are you serious?

Can't for my reservation.

You could make yourself youthful and polish the silverware.

Oh, I'm on to it, Mrs Dugdale.

I'll just grab the WD -40. No, Curtis, it won't kill my daughter to pull a

weight for a change. I'm Candy Crush.

What level?

116. Carol, I cannot do all this by myself.

I've got to choose my dress, get my hair done, get to the half -day spa and have

my colonic all by three o 'clock.

It's not all about you, you know. Oh, shit! Mum!

You totally made me fucking fail.

I cleared all the jelly and everything. Even the fish came.

If you want me, I'll be on Dad's Facebook buying more lives.

And you are playing the viola tonight for your father.

Kids, eh?

Glad I don't have any.

I guess it's just you and me, eh, Curtis?

What is your first name, by the way?

After all these years, I can't believe I don't know.

Curtis.

Curtis Curtis.

Curtis C. Curtis.

Unclip me, will you, Curtis?

What's wrong?

Well, I...

I need to try some things on.

I can't get at the hook and eye with my bad shoulder.

Well, it's just that... Here we are.

Your husband's away shopping, your daughter's downstairs.

You asked me my name and now you want me to unclick your hook and eye.

What's your point?

Mrs Dugdale, are you trying to seduce me?

Of course not, you moron. Get out.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs Dugdale.

I completely misread the sign. Get out and I'll call security.

Actually, Miles has been reassigned because of the shutdown. I'll taser you

myself. It's not that I don't like you, Mrs. Dugdale. It's just more spiritual

than sexual.

I think it's great that even though you're out of office, you still want to

contribute something.

It is selfless, isn't it? Although I try not to think of it in those terms.

If you bring peace to the Middle East, you'll go down in history as one of the

most selfless people to have ever lived.

Recognition for one's selflessness isn't important, Ellen.

Helping Arab and Israeli to live together in harmony, that's what it's

about. You're so selfless you don't care who gets the job. No, no, no.

Just as long as it's not that prick Neil Blanchard.

Can I quote you on that? No, no. Apricot.

That reminds me, we've got to pop into the non -GM fruiterer.

Come on.

Why not?

Because I'm not eight years old anymore.

It'll come back to you. It's like riding a bike.

I would rather ride a bike. I would actually rather go downstairs on a bike

ride around for everyone.

Like that orangutan in Phuket, ride around on a tricycle, smoking a cigar,

everyone can laugh and throw money at me.

This job is very important to your father.

Just one piece.

As a sort of gesture to hospitality.

And then you can come back up here and eat your dinner and read the bell jar.

Why don't you just play an Andre Ryu CD?

Only if you're mime to it.

All right, I'm off.

My colon's not going to clean itself.

Do we get the dried gluten -free papaya for the Palestinian's wife? Because

she's a celiac, remember?

Yeah, we got it after we went to the nut allergy place.

And the diabetic oat raisin cookies for the Israeli?

Yeah, yeah.

and here's a soy and egg -free gravy mix for her husband.

You know, their dietary requirements are killing me out of the dinner party.

That and the fact that no one offers to help with the washing up anymore.

I think if you're invited over for a meal, you shut up and eat what you're

given. Unless you're Amanda Vanstone. That woman cannot throw a fondue party

save her life.

Now, the halal meat gets put on an inclined board to have any excess blood

drained off. Check. And we use the kosher salt on the other one to absorb

blood, right?

Exactly. Remembering to put it in the separate fridge after to stop it coming

into contact with any dairy products.

Although, can we put it in the same fridge as the tofu cheesecake and the

milk? Because they're not dairy, but they look exactly the same.

What?

Do you remember which side of the kosher meat you picked up the halal meat from?

Uh, the left?

My left or your left?

Oh, I'm not sure.

Right. Mr. Dugdale, sir, I just wanted to take this opportunity while your wife

is having her colonic to assure you that nothing at all went on between us while

you were away, as God is my witness.

You're a religious man, aren't you, Curtis? You're Catholic?

Yes, and I'm prepared to swear to all this on the Bible, Mr. Dugdale, sir. All

right, ethical question.

If you ate an unconsecrated communion wafer... And you didn't know it.

Yeah, and you didn't know it. How could I not know I ate it?

No, no, you know you ate it, you just don't know it's unconsecrated. Although

there's a 50 -50 chance it might have been consecrated.

Yes, that's true. I suppose I could have inhaled it while I was asleep.

Okay, hang on.

How about this? If you were possessed by the devil and had holy water thrown at

you, but it turned out not to be holy water, would it still burn your skin?

no, no. I don't think you're comparing apples and apples here, all right? This

is more like if a Hindu accidentally ate some beef. Can't inhale beef thinking

it's eggplant.

What? I tried it once.

Although there's a 50 -50 chance it was eggplant.

I'm allergic to eggplant.

And apples.

Why are we even talking to him? We're funny.

Don't ring him.

Word is he's on a date.

Really? You know, he never tells me about his private life at all.

Although I'm glad he's seeing somebody.

I'll have one of those.

Hi.

Hi. Is anyone sitting here?

Not at all, please.

Why can't we just go back to the butcher and buy some more?

Well, he said they were the last one.

It'll be closed now anyway.

Plus, I've already spent $112 on them.

Look, we've got the certificate.

The cow was killed in exactly the same way. Anyway, it's more of a hygiene sort

of thing, isn't it?

I suppose.

An excellent meal, Mr. and Mrs.

Dugdale. Geschmeckt, eh?

I quite agree.

Zaki, you would say, in Ramallah. Well, thank you either way. That we can sit

down and share the same meal is, I think, a good thing.

That we can gather together at the table of a friend to break bread is an

important step.

Providing it's unleavened pita bread.

Your husband has a very Palestinian sense of humor, Mrs. Dugdale.

I've always thought so.

Very reminiscent of Celine Dabour.

Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

How could any enjoyer of theater not have heard of that

gentleman?

Yes, love him.

I would have said Mr.

Dugdale's comic sensibility is more Jewish than Palestinian.

Well, humor is universal, though, isn't it? For example, as I understand it,

Jerry Lewis is still very, very popular in Algeria.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Carol, that was beautiful.

Thank you. Our daughter, she's a wonderful, wonderful musician.

Tell me, how has our secret service man been looking after you and your family,

Dr. Stuhier?

We have been most happy with him.

I hope you are not favoring your other guests with extra security, Mr. Dugdale.

It is not a helpful quality in a diplomat. No, no, no, no, no, no. Miles

very junior level operative. More of a show than anything else. Isn't that

right, Miles?

Miles? Hmm?

Ah, yes, sir.

If anything, I think you are favoring your Jewish guest.

I see the ambassador and his wife have generous dollops of MasterChef foam on

their tornadoes. Oh, it is true, Andrew.

There is much foam.

Really? That is unfortunate.

There's no foam. Fabritism?

Is there?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Of course, no.

Ellen is right. There's no favoritism at all. That's all swings and roundabouts

in the dugout kitchen.

In fact, if you look at your plate, you'll see that you and your husband

got a lot more egg -free soy gravy.

Oh.

I'm soy intolerant.

Would you like some of our foam?

No, thank you.

It's just like it is on MKR.

I think you'll find Master Chef was the first one to popularize the use of foam

on plates.

I think you'll find it was MKR.

MKR simply appropriated it, as they did so many other things from

MasterChef. With respect, that is complete bullshit.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, come on, people, please.

MKR, MasterChef, what's the difference?

Aren't they simply different roads to the same destination?

Good food and good company.

Chin -chin. That is such an ignorant thing to say. You cannot compare the

I agree.

Completely different agendas are being pursued.

It is like saying that our two religions are based on the common ground of not

eating pork.

Well said.

Well, isn't it also said that the road to Damascus is paved with good

intentions? I think you'll find the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

In any case, Damascus is in Syria.

Yes, but it's in the same general area. That's my point.

And the roads are in such terrible condition over there that it looks like

hellscape.

Anyway, at the end of the day, aren't we all the same when you ignore our

differences? Look at what we could achieve if we put aside our petty

and tribalisms.

We have, for example, Shia and Sunni forging together as a single unit

IS. And Christians and Jews getting on a lot better than they have ever done

historically, particularly if you go back as far as the Inquisition.

And both of you, remember this, very important thing that joins you together,

think, anti -Semitism.

It doesn't just apply to Jews, it applies to anyone in the region,

faith.

I think we'll dine elsewhere tonight, Mr. Dugdale.

I quite agree with you, Mrs.

Dugdale. Can we give you a lift?

Where is nice?

Ah, if you guys are interested, us bods are hooking up with some mates down at

the local Indian joint.

Ah, Indian.

They do these super yum deep fried coconut balls. Oh, my God, you're going

love them.

To hell with my diet.

Do you guys know where you're going?

Sorry, Mr. D. I'll have it home by midnight.

Thank you, Miles.

Well, that was fun. I'm off to bed. Good night.

Good night, darling.

You know, I think you're right.

What? No one ever offers to help with the washing up anymore.

I think that's the real problem of the world today.

It's easy enough to get people to come together for talks, but it's a lot

to get them to work together to clean up whatever mess they make.

Not your forte, you think?

I don't think so.

Catherine always said that Neil Blanchard was much better at diplomacy

Good luck to him.

So if you had your time over again, would you have ordered the halal and

meat online and had it delivered?

No, no, no. It does you good to get out occasionally.

Oh, hi, sonny.

How was your day?

It's great.

Yours? Oh, never did get to that bloody X -ray appointment.

Wife was furious, particularly when I told her why. Anyway, long story

Nothing happened.

Night, Curtis.

Night, Sonny.

Hey, guys.

Sonny. Need any help?

Sure, grab a tea towel.

You know, maybe I should try for special envoy to the Vatican.

Oh, are you Catholic?

Nearly. To be the...