Original subtitles

Well, does Bill Clinton have a statue in his library?

No, no, no, no, no. I've seen your father's, and he's only got a fountain,

it's outside, it's not the middle of the reading room.

Yeah, well, I think if people wander in and they see an enormous marble version

of you, they're going to think you've built more a monument to yourself than a

presidential library.

Me? No, no, no.

Ex -Australian Prime Ministers don't tend to have libraries built in their

honour. I think it's something to do with the general distrust we have of

over here who can read.

Yeah, well, hey, listen, what about this?

Put the statue outside near the hedge maze and then you can be on the horse

you wanted.

Yeah. Yeah, good, yeah, thank you. Well, lovely talking, yeah.

Love to Laura.

Yeah, and better like to Jeb.

Okay, then, bye -bye.

You wouldn't catch George Bush repairing a window.

No, well, he's probably got a wilier business manager than I have. You know,

that doesn't get caught when he commits tax fraud.

Well, George comes from money. That's how he can afford a library.

It's not just about money, though.

Ex -presidents get treated with far more respect than ex -prime ministers.

You know, they still get called Mr. President when they're out of office. So

here's some of the things I get called.

Oh, you shouldn't listen to what people shout when they drive past.

No, this is kids.

You know, they go, dare twins are down the street.

Oh. Yeah, I was walking past there this morning on my way to buy some, what's

this stuff?

Wood putty. Wood putty.

And they were playing under the sprinkler. And I said to them politely,

thought, that wasting water like that was irresponsible and this is the driest

continent on earth.

And I said, if I was so concerned about the climate, I should have signed the UN

Convention when I had the chance.

There can't be more than five or six. I blame the ABC.

Oh, you should have destroyed that place when you had the chance. Well, we've

all tried. You hack away at the bloody thing and it keeps coming back at you

like some sort of crazed zombie.

And we're not just talking about Barry Cassidy.

Yes, indeed, Rita, it is a glorious day.

I mean, I didn't mind the chaser boys. Yes, they were annoying, but at the end

of the day, it was just harmless satire. No one's duker got ruined by egg.

I miss them, too.

Nearly scraped it all off, Mr. Dugdale, sir.

Keep up the good work, Curtis.

So, you want to come and help me fix the chimney? The pot's come away.

Oh, I did want to talk to you about the girl.

I guess. Has she gone through that box yet?

She has.

But I think she suspects we might have forced it upon her in order to create a

falsely human impression of you.

She says she wants to go through the political stuff in your office.

You see, this is where a presidential library would come in handy.

It's off -site storage that doesn't cost me anything.

Most of the stuff's archived, so no one ever actually gets to see it.

Paul Keating talked his Bankstown high school into it. Maybe get Henry to ring

around my old Alma Martyrs and see if there's any interest.

Didn't you take out a restraining order on her?

No, that was Alma Cavendish.

And also check with Miles to make sure he's keeping an eye on the girl, seeing

who she's talking to.

Actually, have a word to the entire staff to watch what they say in front of

her. Andrew, they're not idiots.

I'll call a meeting.

Oh,

do you want me to look after Catherine?

No, no, no, I haven't talked to the family since I've done with the chimney.

Yes, well, you know what they say about men over 50 and ladders. Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

This is the you you should be showing her, the can -do working family man of

people. Yeah?

You did a great job with that window.

And I saved myself $300 and a professional glazier.

What the fuck?

Mummy, have you seen my plane?

No, sweetie, I only date you.

Boss wants me to check you're keeping an eye on Ellen.

Jesus, you know you should never sneak up on me like that. I could have snapped

your neck like a twig. Is that Stefan's plane?

Affirmative. I'm retooling it into a drone.

Reconnaissance only.

I'm glad to hear it.

I don't think Stefan will be there or his mother. I think it was rather

expensive.

I commandeered it on the implied orders of Mr. D. This will give me complete

access to the airspace above the Dugdale compound.

24 -7 bird's eye view of all Dugdales all the time.

Next best thing to a spy satellite.

And much more comfortable than the old Ned Kelly unit over there.

Mrs D says if I want to get covered in rotten vegetables, then I can just stand

on stage with the boss during one of his speeches.

Yes, well, when he told you to keep an eye on Alan, I don't think he was giving

you black ops authorisation.

It's cool.

It was all within my existing remit.

If the drone looks after the outside half as well as this new system, he

out the inside.

And there might be much going on around here that I don't know about.

See, there's Carol now, upstairs bathroom.

Just turn the taps on in the showers.

What do you call this system? The Norman Bates unit?

She's wearing a towel.

The definition on these new monitors is fantastic.

Stefan's up in his cupboard.

Seems like he's searching for something.

He should send his plane up to help him look.

Sunnyside, East Wing Corridor.

It's what the Secret Service used to call Ethel Kennedy.

Nice touch.

And there's our girl now.

I wonder what she's up to. Good morning, Andrew.

Ah, what are you up to?

Well, I wouldn't mind following you around for the next couple of days.

Nothing too intrusive, just so I can get inside your brain.

Well, it sounds intrusive, being inside my brain.

Throw me a bone here, Andrew. If I'm going to write your autobiography for

I need it to be in your voice. It needs to be authentic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I would have thought you would have got an idea of

my voice from, you know, watching the television rather than actually having

inhabit my skull.

But, um, all right, well, I...

Speak to Sonny and he'll let you know what I'm doing speaking engagement

Well, I noticed on the fridge it's Grandparents Day at Stefan's school

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Well, I really wanted to tag along on that one. I think it'd be interesting to

hear you explain what it's like to be Prime Minister in what would obviously

very simple terms.

Might give me one key to the many locks that comprise Andrew Dugdale.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's a nice idea. Yes, indeed, yes. Well, you speak to

Sonny and he'll make all the necessary arrangements.

Tom, actually.

Oh, and do you know where Kath is? I wouldn't mind interviewing her this

morning. Kath?

Mrs. Dugdale. Oh, yeah, sorry.

Yeah,

well, I think she's probably down having breakfast.

Rita's made congee. Yum -oh.

I thought Rita was Vietnamese.

Well, I make waffles occasionally. Does that make me Hungarian?

I guess not.

Come.

Hello, darling.

Oh, hello, darling.

I see these idiots are watering down your tax reform.

Are they? Oh, damn them.

Look, I've just got a favour to ask. Ellen might want to speak to you about

book today, and she may ask about her private life.

What do you mean, private life?

Well, exactly.

And I don't think it's in either of our interests if people get the impression

that we're not, you know... I'm not sleeping with you, Andrew, just so I can

it in your memoir.

No, no, I don't want you to do anything that you're uncomfortable with. I just

want you to lie to her. It's a power couple, I'm your rock, that sort of

Of course, darling, anything for you. Right, thank you.

You can take the whole lot if you like.

No, no, no, it's okay. I'm not very hungry. I had a persimmon off the tree.

No, silly, I mean take it down to the kitchen for me. Those stairs are murder

my hip. Oh, absolutely, yes, sure.

Happy to do that.

Oh, um, one more thing before I go. Do you know anything about a grandparents'

day at the boys' school?

Yes, I do.

Stephen's asked me to go along.

I have to give a little talk about what I do.

And what would that be, do you think, generally speaking?

I have plenty to talk about, Andrew.

All my charity work, organising fundraisers and dinners.

Oh, we also serve who stand to one side, you know.

Yes, I know you're very, very busy, darling, but it's just that I thought,

given I was Prime Minister... Well, seven's only eight, darling. I don't

he really understands what a Prime Minister is.

Carol says that to him, you're just a grandpa who gets angry when he watches

television.

I guess she means the news.

Yes. Although, to be fair, I also get very angry watching Millionaire Hotfoot.

Well, at least he didn't ask Grandpa Jojo. Well, he has got Alzheimer's. Mind

you, banging on for an hour about flying to Neptune and wetting your pants is

more interesting than a lot of other jobs.

I'll be interesting.

I'm sure you'll be interesting, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Very interesting.

And at least he's keeping it in the family, isn't he? Hmm.

Well, I'm going now.

Bye -bye. Hmm.

These aren't mine, are they?

No, their son is. Oh.

I had them dry cleaned. They were filthy.

You can give them to him if you see him, could you, darling?

No, happy to do it, darling. I'm on my way.

Bye -bye.

Tuesday morning, he's a guest at the H .R. Nichols Society. Tuesday afternoon,

he's at the Australia Institute.

And Tuesday evening, he's on a plane to your hometown for a spot of after

-dinner speaking at the America Club.

Of course, he'll have to have his own dinner on the flight.

Why so many speaking engagements?

Can't need the money.

Look at this place. The only thing that's missing is the Sun King motif on

wall there.

Absolutely doesn't need the money. You want to know why he does them?

No, it's not because he loves the sound of his own voice. There's another reason

as well.

He does them so that he can give part, if not all, of his fee to one of his

charities. It's always been very important to Andrew to give back.

Right, and which charities does he support?

Ah, yeah, well, his accountant would have all that information. I'm just his

business manager, aren't I, Sonny?

Sunny,

I need to win over my grandson.

What's he like?

You mean, what is he like or what does he like? Either.

I almost had her there for a moment, but they turned out to be yours.

I was wondering what happened to them.

Rita spilt sticky rice wine all down them at that morning tea of Catherine's

last week. Morning, Ellen.

If I could get out that sticky rice wine.

Hey, you're young. What sort of things do you like?

How do you mean?

Well, you know, for a present.

Um, a pink Sapiano fold -away purse?

Yeah, sounds expensive.

He needs a new remote -controlled plane.

Perfect. Much better suggestion than a purse. What a ridiculous idea.

Well, what would I know? I haven't been an eight -year -old boy in years.

Honey, could you get Curtis to bring the car around, please? Do we know where

Stefan is?

He's in his cupboard. Can I come?

Yes, yes, that's a very good idea. This is real slice -of -life stuff. This is a

grandfather sharing a precious moment with his grandson.

You grab him out of the cupboard, I'll meet you downstairs.

Ah, Curtis. Front door, car, you, now.

Sonny, get on to that charlatan that masquerades as my business manager and

him to offer my presidential library to the school that Stefan goes to. It's in

the local electorate. They've probably got a whiteboard or something like that

in the stimulus package.

Embarrass them into it. They'll have to pick it up themselves, though, because

I'm not springing for haulage and it's got to be tomorrow.

Well, you can tell him yourself, because he's right there.

Oh, Henry.

Hi. Did you get all that?

Yes, I did, yes.

Thank you, Andrew.

Charlatan. Archive boxes to Grandchild School.

They cover transport.

Ribbon -cutting ceremony tomorrow.

What time?

Um, what time is Catherine booked for? Um, 11 .30. What do you mean, was booked

for? Yeah, do you get that, Henry?

Catherine's out and I'm in. Oh, and get Miles to bring down those boxes from

upstairs. Righto, 11 .30 it is. Do you want the press there?

It'd never happen if it's not on the news.

Bye, Henry.

You can't do that to Catherine.

She'd be terribly upset to think her own husband had stabbed her in the back

like that. I mean, it's not a leadership challenge.

You're absolutely right, Sonny.

Get Henry back.

Tell him to get the school to contact Catherine and make as if it's their

Keep my name out of this. I'm going to need plausible denial on this one.

Why so long to bring the car around? Was it unconscious?

Sorry, Mr Dugdale, sir. I had to put the wheels back on.

Where to today?

Hobbies Hobbitorium, corner of Flanders and Swine.

Mr Date, Sonny told me you wanted me to take down some boxes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take down, as in bring them down from upstairs, not shoot them.

Gotcha. Oh, and when I say upstairs, I mean upstairs, not that level and call

duty black ops. Roger that.

The primary school should be picking them up later this afternoon.

Understood.

Oh, wait, which boxes?

I used to look after Alexander Downer before the accident.

And what accident was that?

Well, Mr Downer and some of his friends were out hunting roos on his property

and he accidentally shot me.

Nothing serious, fortunately.

Anyway, I had a metal plate inserted into my skull and because of the

and the blurred vision, I was put on light duties driving Mr Dugdale.

He was a very junior backbencher then, and he'd lost his licence due to a drink

-driving conviction.

Lovely man, and long story short, I've been with him ever

since.

Anything you want, boy, anything you want.

Hello. It is you, isn't it?

Well, that depends.

My wife and I voted for you, Mr. Dugdale, in every election. You always

into bat for the small businessmen, and there are not many politicians you can

say that about.

Well, thank you. That is very gratifying to hear. My wife and I set up this shop

under your small business start -up initiative.

It was our big chance for us to work together, doing something that we both

loved. Right, good. Could you just hold that thought for one moment? This is

good stuff.

Of course. We didn't really... choose the right location and interest rates

been crippling us and of course that new lot rolled back all the tax concessions

that you promised yeah yeah could you just go back to the beginning i wish i

could had my time over again i wouldn't have sunk all our super into this place

and Maybe my wife wouldn't have left me. I don't blame you for that, of course,

Mr. Dugdale, as my ex -wife always used to say.

Politicians are all the same. You can't trust any of them. No offence. No, no,

no, none taken. I mean, it's in your nature, isn't it?

Did you want to say anything about something?

Yes, yes, I just wanted to show you this wonderful old shop. It would be a bit

more wonderful if we could turn a profit in the economic climate his lot

created, eh?

Oh, is this what you want, boy? Excellent, excellent.

Oh, nice choice, nice choice.

Actually, there isn't a cheaper one around, is there? What's the problem,

Grandpa? Don't you love me?

No, of course I love you, boy.

you crazy no i mean one really i mean would he ask me to go and speak at his

school on grandparents day if i didn't love him that's right isn't it hey yeah

well what price love hey if you'd have come back next week to our closing down

sale of course uh all this would have been heavily discounted oh i don't

i could pay in advance and get it for next week's sale price could i no you

can't thank you there you go thank you

I don't know why I'm letting it get to me so much.

The school just changed its mind, that's all.

Mrs. D,

if I had a dollar for every time the school changed its mind about me moving

a grade, I'd have four dollars.

Go away.

All clear here anyway, Mrs. D.

Just about to do a check of the northern perimeter and then head on up to the

old watchtower.

The watchtower that's in my sunroom.

Not in front of the civilians, Mrs. D.

You understand what it's like, don't you, Rita? To feel unloved and

unappreciated.

Exactly.

Use it.

Glazier.

Fancy some of my banjo?

Oh, no thanks, Mrs. Dugdale. I've got this done.

Oh, come on.

There's plenty.

Well, maybe one.

Quite an appetite.

Oh, cool.

It's every boy's dream, one of those.

Oh, that's funny.

I thought Stephen already had a remote -controlled plane.

Do you mind if I have a go?

Knock yourself out.

Jock's away.

Hello, children. I don't imagine many of your grandparents have been Prime

Minister.

Is this you?

Hmm? D Division Netball 1972.

Yes, yes, yes. A supporter of women's sport even then.

I didn't know you went to this school. It's not on your CV.

It was only for a year. Dad moved around a lot. In the army?

No, he had worms.

Why are you wearing make -up?

I was a mascot. They made me up as a tiger.

Was your father away a lot? Ellen, I have to study my notes. The stimulus

package for this place didn't extend to teleprompters. You're the one moving

around a lot. Nothing worse than a politician giving an ill -prepared,

speech where he's floundering and grasping for words.

Explains a lot, that's all. Tony Abbott's the exception on you. It's

when he does it. Absent father, mother's the authority figure. No long -standing

early friendship.

You got your honours degree in journalism, didn't you? Not

Oh, you checked up on me, did you?

Well, if you know your enemy and you know yourself, you need never fear the

result of a hundred battles. Ah, Sun Tzu, Art of War.

No, no, Bartlett's Popular Quotations.

Sonny looked it up for me. I'm thinking of closing with it this afternoon.

What does Bartlett say about the unexamined life not being worth living?

No, I wouldn't worry too much about the child.

Stick to the man, Ellen.

If I wanted to be reduced to a Jungian archetype, I would have got Bob Ellis to

write the book.

Are you wearing a skirt here?

You just stick to the facts. I would if you'd give me any.

Andrew. Ah, Principal Felicia Brooks. Ah, Principal Brooks.

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, Ex -Prime Minister.

The Federal Government's commitment to Gonski means we now have half as many

teachers and we're all doubling up.

Not with laughter, I imagine.

Oh, and congratulations to your archivers, Miss Brooks. Very impressed

being able to assemble the Prime Ministerial Library so quickly, although

appreciate that not everything can be on display.

Well, it was only the one box.

Are we ready?

Absolutely. Yes, yes, yes.

How do I look?

Never better.

Could do with some tiger make -up. You've got flecks of foam in the corner

your mouth.

Thank you very much indeed.

Everybody.

Hello.

Remind me to set miles.

I'll make a note of it.

What the fuck? Oh, we got a bogey. It's 11 .45.

Time to scramble.

And so, in this country anyway, a Prime Minister is a man, or briefly a woman,

who, like your own Ms Brooks here, is in charge of how things work, of who does

what job and when and how. The only difference is Ms Brooks has been

by the State Education Department and not as a result of some vicious

dogfight.

Yes. What's a dogfight?

Shouldn't you be finishing that play thing? It's all done, Mrs. Dugdale. Just

waiting for the wood part of the set.

What the fuck?

Are you trying to kill me?

Carol, you're in shock.

Okay, now the best thing for that is an ice bath.

Get off me.

She's convulsing. She's convulsing. Rita, get a spoon.

Rita, get a spoon. Mum.

She's doing it again.

We need body wash. It's calming down.

Well, Edward was really enjoying the day until he overheard someone behind the

fence say, the seals were always amusing, it's true, but the lines are

thing to see at the zoo.

But that night, when the zookeeper went home to bed, Edward jumped from the

pool, And he said,

and he smiled as he said, the lion's not a bear, anybody can tell.

So tomorrow I'll just be a lion as well.

The next morning at nine, when they opened the zoo, the lions were roaring

Edward was too.

He snarled at the ladies, he growled at the men.

Life was certainly grand.

Look lady, I don't give a shit who your husband was. You can't expect a warranty

to cover something like this.

But you were flying a plane.

Yeah, with your permission.

Yeah, it was on your authority, Mrs. D.

It was your mission to try and stop... Oh, shut up, Miles, and just land the

fucking thing.

No, you can't do, Mrs. D. She's taking a hit on the starboard wing and is non

-responsive, I repeat, non -responsive. Oh, Christ, please, just give it to me.

He curls up casually around our battery.

Yes.

Well, Edward was just warming up for the day.

Okay, what is this?

The snakes are impressive.

I know it's true.

The emus, by far, are the best thing at the zoo.

The emus, gasped Edward.

My goodness, that's me.

I just think that gentleman most likes the sea.

Not the seals, not the lions, not the snakes, and the rest.

It's Edward, the emus.

So that night when the zookeeper went home... Well, Miss Brooks, class, I'm

afraid I have to go. A small crisis.

Steppen, lovely spending some quality time with you. Curtis will drive you

Curtis, you're on.

All right, kids, what do you want to know?

I've never gotten up and spoken in front of an audience before in my life.

And I wasn't sure I'd be any good, but... Those three hours just seemed to

by. I had a great time.

And I think the kids did too. I wasn't able to debrief with them after my

lecture because the principal said I had to leave.

I said, I have to debrief the children.

She's like, what? And I'm like, they need to be debriefed immediately.

And she says, no, you have to leave the school property immediately.

What did you talk about?

Mainly the plate in my head.

They all wanted to see it.

You should have heard the squeals when I showed it to them. Here we go.

Yeah!

Pretty good, eh?

I don't think Mr Dugdale would mind me saying that as far as young children are

concerned, he has a very similar attitude to the late Michael Jackson.

They are our future.

I've called the police. We better go.

Come on, we better go.

What? Go, go, go.

You know, it's pointless rebuilding this thing because you can't use chimneys

these days because of global warming. Just because something's passed that's

used by date doesn't mean it can't have a decorative function.

True.

Mind if I get a picture of you next to it when you're done?

For the book?

Sure, sure. You can capture it at the Freedom Chimney.

Very tasteful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although that'll make this roof ground

I don't think you can call a roof ground zero, can you?

Well, I don't know about 9 -11 jokes.

What, too soon?

Might hurt American sales. Well, I don't want to hurt sales.

Must have hit the non -metal side.

Lots of colourful tools on the wall.

Oh, you like those, do you?

Yeah, they're my beauties.

Did you want to see some of them?

This here I thought was just a blowtorch. I bought that on eBay.

I don't actually realise what the function of it is.

This here is a file.

And, you know, you can use it for several different things, but I

have really bad nails. I usually just keep... Keep them up to date, but you

shiv. These are plain. I like to craft a lot, so I've got them for car.

Or mum gave me that from her pottering class.

And so in your professional opinion, how violent is the world we live in? You

have no idea, Helen.

No idea whatsoever.

Ellen. I think I'll take Mr. D's word on that.

The world can be quite dangerous, you know. I mean, I've seen some pretty bad

stuff growing up, and that's sort of what got me into this role.

So you grew up.

You grew up in the Strait?

No, Perth.