Original subtitles

Hi, kittens. How's it hanging?

I'm in that, like, crazy quiet time before the show tapes, and I'm reading

dumb news on my phone, and I... I don't know. I just thought I'd shoot a video

and, I don't know, maybe knock out, like, an epic takedown or something.

So the Kavanaugh confirmation hearing started.

It's a fucking mess already.

But, of course... We're already distracted because that Bob Woodward's

book coming out. No Bernstein this time.

I think it's okay. I think he was kind of like the Garfunkel of the duo anyway.

But the book is about Trump, and it's called Fear.

But apparently it's not related to the movie where, like, Mark Wahlberg fingers

Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster. It's different.

Anyway, can't wait to read it. Looks juicy as fuck.

I guess Trump called Jeff Sessions like a dumb southerner or something, and he

told Rudy Giuliani he's a little baby that needs his diaper changed, and he

that Mike Pence pees out of his butthole.

I made that last one up, but you'd believe it, wouldn't you? Because this

thing's a fucking shit show.

But make no mistake, the Trump administration is thrilled about this

right now because they're going to get to confirm Kavanaugh, and that will

give... Every anti -choice Republican, a giant boner. This is a position for

life, y 'all. They want to push it through. And if it goes through, it's

to affect every vulnerable person in America negatively until the day he

Until the devil comes to collect his soul.

And they're like concealing hundreds of thousands of pages of documents on

Kavanaugh. That's like...

That's like almost an entire Cheesecake Factory menu.

And why are they doing this? Hmm.

Occam's razor comes to mind. If it smells like shit and it tastes like

it's probably a Toblerone. Kidding. It's shit.

This isn't sponsored by Toblerone.

Look, I'm just saying, this is, it's fucking unprecedented.

And if the shoe were on the other foot, there is no way Republicans would let

this fly. And you know it.

But, I mean, come on. Do we really want this to be our Supreme Court nomination

process? Because if so, we're looking at a future like where the president could

just withhold his taxes from the public or declare the free press the enemy of

the people.

And that would be like the end of democracy.

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to go see a man about a finger on a roller

coaster. Peace.

Shave it off, stay alive, open wide.

Show us how.

So this show is about trying to be open -minded, you know? And I want different

perspectives. Like, on our writing staff, we've got, like, one writer who's

progressive Democrat, and we've got another writer who's a progressive

Democratic socialist.

It really runs the gamut.

No, but I really, I've been sitting down and talking with people across the

aisle a lot lately, and what's become clear to me is that, like, We aren't

working off the same basic truths, you know. We know this country is divided as

fuck. That's not new news. But we've entered this, like, new normal where

in power just, they lie.

Which made me realize the problem with politics in America isn't the division

itself. It's the people doing the dividing.

And that's who I have a problem with, the liars. I can...

Absolutely adore people I fundamentally disagree with, but I got no room in my

picker for liars.

I have no room in any of my organs for liars.

Not in my lungs, not in my aorta. Oh, that's hard.

Not in my butt.

That's not an organ.

Whatever, you know what I mean. And when I say liars, I mean corrupt.

politicians, and the billionaires who pay them to distribute well -crafted

in order to maintain their wealth and power.

You're not clapping for them, right? Because that would be like crazy crap.

What do I mean by lies?

Liberals want to take all your guns.

Or Mexican immigrants are rapists.

These are the kind of lies that are designed to get people scared and angry,

which makes them controllable. Because scared and angry is a liar's most

valuable consumer.

So like, while you're distracted screaming at someone for speaking

IHOP, they can pass laws to take away your health insurance.

Look. Tonight's the first game of the NFL season, right? And there's already

anger over Nike's deal with Colin Kaepernick, a man who risked everything

expose injustice.

How totally un -American.

And politicians will once again roll out their stock takes on why players are

kneeling during the national anthem.

It's misguided to protest.

The anthem and the flag.

They indict our country, our service members, our first responders, our

fathers. NFL protesters protesting the national anthem. When you go down and

take a knee or any other way, you're sitting, essentially, for our great

national anthem. You're disrespecting our flag and you're disrespecting our

country. Okay, those are lies.

All of those people know the players are not protesting a song.

And they're pretending to think that players are protesting our national

our military, our flag, when they know, they know.

that they are protesting police brutality.

The players have all been very transparent about that because it's what

literally trying to bring attention to. And I hate that I just ended that

sentence with a preposition. I can fix that. Sorry, I'm usually a stickler.

Because it's literally what they're trying to bring attention to, you

disingenuous fucking spin doctors. And yet, I mean the band.

You know who suggested to Colin Kaepernick that he start kneeling in the

place? A veteran.

And the liars know that.

They are knowingly perpetuating this shameless lie because it fits their

narrative. The liars fall in line with our America -loving president who,

funnily enough, could give two fucks about respecting the flag or veterans,

specifically the most veteran -y veteran in the world.

Do you have any thoughts on John McCain?

Do you have any thoughts at all about John McCain?

President Trump ignored questions about McCain today. And for most of the day,

the White House flag was back at full staff, even as the flags at the U .S.

Capitol, per tradition, remained at half staff.

Right. So NFL players use the flag to draw attention to an epidemic of police

brutality and violence.

And our president uses the flag to draw attention to someone who was mean to him

once.

So yeah, I don't give a flying fuck about the liars. Who I do care about are

lied to.

The well -intentioned citizens who believe the liars and the lies that they

tell. And who can blame them? The liars are excellent at lying.

This is what kills me.

They frame what behooves only them as what's best for America.

And the lied to believe it.

And they pass it on. It's like the liars are our farmers. And the lies are their

seeds. And then the lied to are the wind. And they unknowingly spread the

around. And I am trying to dig up those seeds, which makes me a hoe.

Look,

all I'm saying is...

All I'm saying is if you only get your news from Fox News or the president's

tweets, it's fine. Keep doing that.

I only ask that you read a couple other points of view as well. You are eating

all carbs. You need some vegetables.

Yes, you might not like the taste at first, but it's good for you and it will

make your shits healthier.

Watch out for the liars.

You know, we got to be wary of the people who tell us not to trust our eyes

not to trust our ears. Be wary of the people who want us to have less

information. Stick with us. Don't believe the crap you see from these

the fake news.

Just remember, what you're seeing and what you're reading is not what's

happening.

I had a boyfriend who burned bridges right and left.

And I'll change his name for the story, but he would be like, everyone's out to

get me. And I'd be like, you're right, 2 Chainz. Damn it.

I mean, Steve.

But I always took his side because I loved him.

And I believed him. But I believed him because I only ever heard his

perspective. I was only hearing his side. He was my Fox News.

I fiercely protected him. And I took on any fight he had because when you love

someone, not only do you want to see the best in them, you need to see the best

in them. It's survival.

And that's what Trump is right now. He is your shitty boyfriend.

You know, he starts off great, he picks you up in a limo with flowers, and he's

like, baby, I'll take care of you. And you're like, wow, whoa, you know.

And then slowly you get the feeling that maybe this was all for show, that maybe

he's not that great.

You know, like he buys Magnum condoms for his regular -sized dick.

You know, makes you a handwritten love coupon for your birthday, and it's to

blow him.

And then you discover he's been sleeping with Vladimir Putin and the NRA and

tons of porn stars, and it's embarrassing because everyone knows it,

keeps doing it right in front of your fucking face.

And even if you wanted to break up with him, you can't because you're scared

because he's shown you over and over again with other people that he is

vindictive.

So all I can say to those of you who are still with Trump, girl, you gotta leave

his ass.

You deserve

better than this.

You deserve a president who's gonna treat you right. A president who's

you know, make sure you come too.

Trump has never made a woman come in his life. What makes you think he can,

like, fix North Korea?

liars, let's talk about truthers, not truthers. That's not what I meant.

I mean people who tell the truth.

Coming up on the show, I interview NFL players Doug Baldwin and Malcolm

and I had an amazing chat with them about how their peaceful protest gets

purposely misinterpreted by assholes. And boy, the smear campaign is in full

force. Look at this.

Philadelphia Eagles safety Malcolm Jenkins thinks he's so great.

Well, let's look at the facts.

Jenkins was drafted with the 14th pick of the 2009 NFL Draft, which means 13

players were way better than him. Jenkins, a two -time Pro Bowler, has

seven career touchdowns, which doesn't add up because he plays defense.

In 2010, Jenkins and his mother Gwendolyn launched the Malcolm Jenkins

Foundation, which is committed to youth development initiatives.

But if he's really so charitable, why is he only helping youth?

What about super old people?

Jenkins has made headlines advocating for his beliefs through silent protests.

Makes you wonder, can he even talk?

He's a co -founder of the NFL Players Coalition and continues to work on

of players fighting racial inequality.

I guess he's too busy protesting to do his job.

Oh, he won a Super Bowl?

Two Super Bowls?

Malcolm Jenkins.

I wish I was him.

Hi. Welcome back. Now, who wants to talk about abortion?

Me?

Yes. Yes, me. Check it out.

So, like, I'm super pro -choice, and I don't often get to interact with people

who are pro -life.

But, you know, it seems to me like you shouldn't shield yourself from other

beliefs just to keep your own beliefs intact. So I'm here at this airport

because I've decided to spend the day with a hardline pro -life group called

Survivors of the Abortion Holocaust.

Don't judge, Sarah. Come on.

Look, I'm sure we both have preconceived notions of each other. Like, my knee

-jerk thought is that they're Bible -thumping crackpots trying to control

women's bodies. And they're probably thinking I'm, you know, like, too

To get to the bottom of it, I spoke to Jeff White.

Hello, Sarah. Hi. Co -founder of The Survivors. They're a youth -focused

that gets their message across using extreme rhetoric and graphic images.

I also spoke to Dr. Willie Parker, who is a crucial women's health care

provider. Or a professional fetus assassin. It depends on who you're

What has your experience been like with people who are anti -choice?

Well, I'm glad you said anti -choice because that gives me a specific

that they hold.

I've learned it. That's not pro -life. It's anti -choice, which is always how I

saw it. But I never thought to articulate it that way because the

call themselves pro -life.

had defined themselves, and I accepted it. Being affirming of life, for me, I'm

pro -life of the mother.

I simply conclude that a fetus can never be more important than the woman

carrying it.

This is so like pressure's on situation.

Should we jump right in? Sure. Tell me everything.

The group that I represent is Survivors of the Abortion Holocaust.

We're a pro -life youth organization.

What we do is we train young people in peaceful, nonviolent protest.

For people whose core beliefs are different than yours, you are wanting to

a law that goes against that.

I believe that science teaches us that life begins at conception.

Judaism doesn't hold this extreme notion of life beginning at conception.

No, Jews believe that life starts at 40.

Well, my friend told me, his mother said, that you're viable as a fetus when

graduate from college and you have a job.

And maybe when you become a doctor.

Life does begin scientifically.

Every embryologist will tell you it begins at the moment of conception.

don't know that every doctor would say that.

As a matter of fact, I talked to a doctor, Dr.

Willie Parker.

He used an analogy of an oak tree.

A person is not created at conception because you're not a person until you're

born. An acorn and an oak tree have the exact same genetic complement, as does a

tadpole and a frog.

But an acorn is not an oak tree. A tadpole is not a frog. Yes, it is an oak

tree. That argument is one I actually illustrated to the kids to say how

the pro -choice argument used to be.

If I step on an acorn...

It is not the same significance of me chopping down a hundred -year oak tree.

You will become an old person if someone doesn't step on you or run you over.

Yeah. That doesn't make you not a human. But I'm a conscious living human. But

now you're adding other things to it. But the difference between a fetus and

is consciousness, right? No, I would disagree with that depending on what...

Then what is your happiest memory in utero?

I don't have a memory from two years old, but that doesn't make me not a

at two.

Touché. Thank you.

But you know what else is life?

Sperm. No, sperm is alive.

Sperm cannot reproduce itself.

Well, some women can't reproduce.

Ooh, touche. I'll give you a touche on that one.

Now that I've talked about abortion with two middle -aged dudes, I decided to

sit down with people whose bodies are actually affected.

Survivors co -founder Cheryl Conrad and some of the group's young members and

allies. I was going to bring flour and sugar and eggs, but that's not a cookie

yet.

Tell me what brought you to Survivors LA.

For me, it's personal.

I actually have had an abortion myself.

We wanted our kids to be able to experience being involved in pro -life

stand for something that you believe passionately in. The appeal of a camp

called Holocaust.

Camp is just so beyond ironic and horrifying to me, but it sounds...

make you want to go? Now that I've heard about it, it sounds like a lot of fun.

I'm here because I believe that abortion is wrong. I believe it is killing an

innocent child, and I want to help people who are my age. And what brought

to it, the pussy?

How did you come up with the name Survivors of the Abortion Holocaust?

And do you have any Jewish friends?

I wanted a name that would be so controversial, even from the get -go,

that it was a slap in the face and that someone would challenge me on it. It's a

conversation starter.

It's like having a parrot on your shoulder.

I actually just thought you would have a knee -jerk reaction to it. My knee

-jerk reaction is...

The syntax is a nightmare.

You want an abortion holocaust. That's the complete end of all abortion.

The syntax is all wrong.

Okay, so what are we doing here? At this particular session, we are doing sign

making. I know.

We didn't talk about it. Here, I made one for you that I think is more fair.

Abortion. We don't think that it's right.

But other people feel differently, and that's okay. But we just want to

our right to hold our signs with our thoughts on them.

If what you believe is right, then you should be able to change people's minds

and hearts using only what is true. Yeah. It shouldn't just be a big poster

-sized bloody fetus, because that isn't the size of a fetus. Good point.

It's less effective, but at least it uses what is true.

Oh, it's perfect. It's pocket -sized. This is life.

This is life.

You're wanting people to vote to make laws that rule over a woman's body

their own choices.

Fair enough. People get pregnant from rape. People get pregnant because their

contraception doesn't work.

And your reasoning is spot on, except for this.

We have two unique lives.

If you have that, what do you have? What do you mean? The life of the fetus? The

life of the child and the life of the mother.

The fetus and the mother.

It's only a fetus if you don't want it.

As long as it's in the uterus is a fetus.

It's not a baby. Baby is a cultural term. It's a sentiment. That's not a

term. And so when people say unborn baby, it's really very inflammatory,

coercive language.

We have a disagreement over this right here. And I believe that the law should

protect the most innocent, the weakest within our society, which would be the

child. One thing that Dr.

Parker said that the question isn't when does a fetus become a person, but when

does a woman stop being a person?

Diane, show me a Diane.

All right, so we like to spread out so that you're not too close to each other.

And then I will say, all right, survivors die.

And you lay down on the ground.

And we will not rest until this violence is through.

Yep. I'm happy to join you, Elizabeth.

You have to go in the fetal position.

Yeah, fetal position.

That's me all my time off.

You say that there are no exceptions for abortion, but what if you got pregnant

and you found out that your kid was going to grow up to be a DJ or one of

guys that wears the shoes with the separated toes?

You might.

Forced me to reconsider. Oh, my God. That was the change. That was what it

Those shoes are ridiculous.

And then people are coming around to chalk and outline our bodies, since

abortion is killing an innocent human.

Oh, my Diane is for, like, dwindling health care and Medicaid.

And then we'll drape some red cloth across you, and that is representing the

blood that is spilled.

There's, like, not enough Purell in the world for me to do a Diane, but...

Well, after spending a full day with these pro -lifers, I'm happy to report

we changed each other's minds.

So much so that I am totally pro -life now and survivors of the abortion

holocaust are now pro -choice.

Kidding. Obviously, that didn't happen. They think I want to kill babies and I

think they want to take away women's rights while co -opting the holocaust.

What are you going to do, right? You got to try.

In the meantime, we have to remember that we're all human.

Except for fetuses, which are not yet, according to science.

Guys, are you ready for some football discussion with players about stuff? I

recently sat down with NFL stars Malcolm Jenkins and Doug Baldwin to talk about

the NFL's policy on player protests and our country's uncanny knack for not

listening.

Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, I left my Biore strips on.

No blackheads.

Check it out.

Um... Oh, shit, that looks good.

It's really just that dressing, though.

Um, the league passed this new policy.

Players have to stand for the national anthem, and if they don't, they have to

stay kind of hidden in the locker room. I mean, does that solve things for you?

No. Yeah, no.

I'll let you go on that one. You want to leave this one to me? Yeah, I'll leave

that one to you. I'll pay you back.

No, it doesn't. And I think that the NFL really missed a critical opportunity to

really build a relationship with its players. I think it's very tone -deaf of

them. What's going to happen is still yet to be seen, but I can tell you that

it's not a great conversation being had right now.

Your opinion that the NFL owners are influenced by this president?

I think they are going back and forth.

And oftentimes, whenever you play defense, you usually piss off both

like both sides.

You know, from a player's standpoint, in no way, shape, or form does this keep

us quiet. I think, if anything, to put more microphones in our places is put

this. right back on the pedestal and we'll continue to push forward.

For me personally, it's more about the rhetoric and the language that's being

used, especially coming out of the NFL's office.

In this ruling, we're going to say that our players need to stand and respect

the flag, as if what we were doing was disrespecting the flag.

And we had those conversations with Roger Goodell, with the NFL office, and

telling them, like, it has nothing to do with disrespecting our country. The

fact of the matter is that there's things going on in our country.

that we feel are disrespectful to the flag and to what this country stands

what it was founded upon.

And so for you to say that we're disrespecting it, to me it's one of the

unpatriotic things that any organization could have done, especially to the

players who are pushing for changes within this country that are supposed to

benefit this country.

That's what I hate is like this disingenuous misunderstanding of why

kneeling, why they have their fists up, why they're protesting.

How many times do you have to say, you know, it's like you with a press

conference. You just held up a sign. You're not listening.

I think it was a response to really media and everybody else who want to

about the flag or the anthem.

It's not. And so let's not even have that debate. And let's just talk about

fact. How do we feel that we lead the world of sentencing our kids to life

without parole, that we send our juveniles to adult facilities, most of

are African -American and color, that we have a quarter of the incarcerated

people in the world here in the United States? And these things have had a

disproportionate effect on communities of color, not only in 2018 or in recent

years, but for centuries.

The analogy that I use is, if you have children, right, do you discipline your

children? I'm barren, but go on.

I don't have children yet either. But my mom, she disciplined me, but she still

loved me. She would do anything for me. So it's the same thing.

It's not that we don't love this country. It's not that we're not

thankful for what this country stands for.

But that doesn't mean you don't hold it accountable.

That doesn't mean that you don't discipline it when it gets off track.

Yeah, I think it's far more patriotic than anything else, especially treason.

Malcolm, you're part of the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl winning team.

Were some of you turned down a visit to the White House?

First of all, good on you. We got disinvited. I guess the attendance

they wanted it to be, and so that's when the White House took away their

invitation. But I think it's a greater reflection of the administration and not

us as a team.

In a more simplistic view, it's just childish.

Because somebody doesn't agree with you, you disinvite them to your...

Just celebrate, and not to mention then you put on a separate celebration.

He threw a party for himself.

Pretty much.

I had a fantasy that you would all go to Chicago and take pictures with the

Obamas. That would have been great.

Do you talk about politics in the locker room at all? Like, is it, how do you

solve conflicts among the team?

For us in our locker room, we've always had those difficult conversations. And I

think, you know, a lot of times people say, athletes need to shut up.

We're civilians, too. We're citizens, too. We're humans, too. Being in sports

has really made us probably more prepared than anybody to actually handle

type of things. On a daily basis, we're in a locker room with 90 other men from

all sorts of backgrounds, races, religions, socioeconomical backgrounds,

we're forced to come together for one goal for all of us to win. We're trained

to handle this. So when we step into, you know, just the regular world and

looking at these issues.

They seem simple to us. It's like, well, what do we need to do?

That's why you both need to run for office, because you're already, like, in

microcosm government that should be the way our government is.

Please.

Maybe. All right, I'll fill your, I'll line your pocket.

Oh, wait, that's how we got into this.

So. Malcolm, you have your fist in the air, and then your teammate, Chris Long,

put his arm on you.

Like, how have other teammates responded?

Well, I think that was a great example, not only for my team, but, like, just,

like, as a country.

He didn't want to be the center of attention.

He just wanted the support.

Like, you can not agree with somebody's demonstration, but still agree with

their issue.

Or even just be an ally without thinking, like, that's what...

That sounds like, to me, a sweet ally move.

Yeah. He didn't want to take over. He didn't want to, like, be the star of the

movement suddenly. He just wants the support.

Right. And that's something I'm trying to really understand and, like, embody

well while I took over this comment right now.

I just realized.

Doug, your father was a police officer for 35 years. How has that informed your

relationship with social justice?

I have some insight, you know, what my father went through, not only just as a

law enforcement officer, but as a black law enforcement officer in the south of

that. When you have that insight, it allows you, in my opinion, to look at

things in a different perspective. The prime example that I can give is the

Tamir Rice case. You know, Tamir Rice, 12 -year -old boy gets shot and killed.

Like, you can understand the gravity of that, and you see the emotion behind the

family side. But then I saw this interview with the cop, and you could

pain inside of him, too.

becomes Black Lives Matter, Blue Lives Matter, civilians, law enforcement,

black, white, whatever it may be, but truly it's just a humanistic problem

we have. You've got centuries of trauma and pain and hurt.

And so now when we continuously see the Tamir Rices, the Philando Castells, all

of these images of people losing their lives as a community.

It is really hard for you to tell me to keep a level head and come to the table

for reconciliation.

As a cop, you have to recognize that uniform that you wear and the badge that

you wear means something totally different to the people that you are

to protect and serve.

Yeah. The last question is, how has this experience changed you?

For me personally, I know just...

This whole transformation, this whole process has been me going from a

discouraged place of like, well, it is what it is. There's nothing I can do

about it, to now saying, no, I got to do something about it. All of us can

actually have an impact.

And the more people who start to do that, then the faster we arrive at the

we want to be.

I do think we're in a historical moment, though, because you can see the younger

generation starting to ask questions that they weren't asking before, that we

didn't ask when we were younger, and things that are coming to the forefront

of conversations that, quite frankly, need to be had.

I'm just blown away by you guys.

Not everyone becomes a hero when they're faced with this kind of shit, and

history will see you that way, and I see you that way.

Thank you for coming today.

Thank you. Thanks for having me.

And that about wraps it up. You know, last year I ended shows by saying, good

night, America. I love you. Well, this year I have a new fun clothing that I

just came up with. And I think you're going to love.

Get in the zone.

Auto zone.

Good night.