Original subtitles

Last time on Harman Quest. You find yourselves in Ivory Key.

There's some terrible demonic stuff going over there that needs to be fixed.

Wait, the Ivory Key?

That's where the Beast of Beginning is. What? Are you not to ride this beast?

A gray masked figure materializes in the room.

Oh, that guy. He's not having none of that. He lunges at Dan. A beam of light

bursts forth and both of you are disintegrated. Fondu just died?

Hey, goblins! The goblins show up.

At the end of the day, necks are snapped, cities fall.

Let's check out this well.

The goblins take that as a cue to attack.

Goblin tactics are mysterious, yet ineffective.

I'm starting to feel love, real love.

You've returned to us.

Leverick, this is our, this is our chief.

More like our tweet.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Daddy!

Okay!

But then, it's Vortheon, your armored season one nemesis.

Nice to see you. We remember everything about our interaction.

The beast of beginning. I can't make it work. Show me how to make it work or

I'll kill you. And the gray rope figure with the metal mask appears.

Oh, that guy.

A glimmering box of light, bigger than everything, forms around almost the

entire room. And then all of you are disappeared, carved out of the material

plane as if by celestial magic.

Lorthion laughs.

Ah, that was unexpected, but that's fine.

Since the dawn of the 1970s, fantasy role -playing games have provided men

women with an escape from their awkward lives.

Today, the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, is summoning celebrity friends

to play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood. I am

Spencer, the Game Master, and this is Harmon Quest!

Thank you.

I get it.

I do.

I was just hearing the same thing while I was getting dressed this morning.

Thank you for making it real. I am Dan Harmon. This is Harmon Quest.

But it should be called Spencer Quest because the game master is Spencer

Crittenden.

With me, as always, my siblings in arms with the notorious Aaron McGathey.

The bioluminescent Jeff B. Davis.

And our brand new friend, guest improviser, role player extraordinaire,

McKenna. Yes.

Your reputation precedes you, but I don't know how familiar you are with

role playing.

Like, do you have any experience with this stuff?

Very, very minimal. Like, I've played, like, a few times in both, you know,

of as a show.

So I've never played for fun. Right.

Yeah, I've never sat around and played. Although it checks a lot of boxes of

things I'd be interested in. Yeah, I mean, it all goes hand in hand. And

me, none of us are good. It goes real simple.

This guy's God.

He determines whether or not all the things that we want to do succeed or

based on dice and rules.

It's pretty simple. Without further ado, let's play!

You find yourselves in an incredibly nice, well -kept, holding cell of a

-looking, otherworldly place, both banal and extraordinary.

All manner of extra -planar races, clad in gray aristocratic garbs, stride

around a bureaucrat's office across the hall from your prison cell.

It's like a police precinct or a constabulary.

Oh, and by the way, it's fondue is here instead of limerick.

Hey, buddy.

Fondue, what you in for?

I don't know. I just blinked here like you guys.

This is frustrating. I really want you to meet my brother Limerick, and it

like I can never get you two in the same face.

I sidle over to the door and see if I can jimmy this prison cell open. You

attempt that.

Three of these gray race figures kind of show up. They're wearing these metal

masks. You work your thieves' tools into there. It looks like it's working.

You're a pro at picking locks, and you hear the lock click, and then it doesn't

unlock. One of the figures takes off their mask, revealing a rabbit's head.

They say, it took me ages to get proper warrants, but in the name of the AQD,

you are officially charged with three counts of multiversal negligence and two

counts of willful world bending. If you do not have an attorney, you will be

assigned one. You are now under the custody of ad quadamnum, the plane of

imperial judgment.

I mean, that was harsh, but through that face, how cute.

Little rabbit, man.

What are we looking at here? I don't know. We'll have to go to court, huh?

Oh, that's nice. There's due process.

There always is. In ad quadamnum, the plane of imperium judgments.

The door behind you clangs open, and someone wearing lawyerly clothes

in, clutching a belt wrap of scrolls and papers in a book.

Hello. Ah, hello. I am your court -appointed lawyer.

My name is Flarens Sparrow.

Flarens. Flarens. Flarens. Um, I got Flarens.

In the courtroom.

Multiversal negligence, it's really hard to prove. And I don't know what the

courts are like where you come from, but the prosecution does have the burden of

proof. But it's also really rare, so when they can convict, boy, they really

like to punish hard. But listen, I'm a great lawyer.

Really good.

You look really confident. What are these passes? Yeah, well, this one is

Judge's Pet. I know.

It's bad.

It's bad. This they got me. But that sounds like a good thing to have as

Well, but you know, that's them ribbing me.

So you said that it's hard to prosecute what we're charged with, right?

Multiversal negligence. Yeah, hard to prove. Right, okay. So that looks good

us. Right. Yeah. When's our court date? Are we going to be in here forever?

What's going on? If you accept me as your counsel and you want to proceed, we

can go.

Right now, baby.

Yeah, we don't have any other lawyers, so. No, no, no, yeah. I'm a public

defender. What are your three favorite laws?

Well, let's see.

I love case law, honestly. That's my favorite. So I'm really into the

versus Galgatron, which held that, like, you can't teleport if it's to escape

family duties.

I just think, like.

I just think, like, you know... You're led down a hall and into a much nicer

room with a desk, a couch, and some chairs and a chalkboard. It looks like a

preparation room. There's a tiny figure standing on the desk in a tiny suit.

My name is Tiny Berrigan.

Aw.

I'm a paralegal.

Do people call you that, or is that your name? That's my name.

It says here you had a malicious misuse of hope?

That can't be right. Is there something in celestial law about, you know,

intent? Are you still breaking the law if you don't know you're breaking it?

for sure, yeah. I'll definitely be arguing that you were just a bunch of

ignorant actors. I think that's probably our best course. So try to just... In

fact, when I introduce you, just, like, stare off as much as possible. I think,

like... Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not this goblin.

Selty was an asshole.

And we did the right thing at the moment. This is going to be a problem.

But also there's just like ghost people that can arrest you and transport you. I

mean, is there a they mean well defense?

Well, you know, I'm going to try as much as I can to get in some character

evidence, but that's usually a little hard to admit. Okay, how about this?

just now finding out that that gray guy with the metal face who makes the little

box square and tries to steal you, he... Oh, that's where you went. He stole

you. You've been in jail since the time he did that. It's all coming together

now. Look, how am I to know that gray -faced douche -wad is not... He's not a

police officer. He's an enemy. You're talking about putting the system on

That's exactly what I'm talking about. Oh.

Wow.

Is that a good strategy?

You know, I think I was born for this. Thank you. Yeah, I've been waiting for

the right case to come along where I could really stick it to the system.

And if you're willing to go in guns blazing, it might mean that your own

is harder to prove, but we might save law for all people and things.

As I do this, I pick up Tiny Berrigan and I sit him on my shoulder.

He's loving it.

While all this idle persiflage is going on, I go over to the legal volumes and I

put on some reading glasses and I take a legal volume and I'm thumbing through

it and I'm looking at it with my reading glasses and I just start peeing all

over the place.

Listen.

It can be really nerve -wracking. Of course, of course, of course. Here's

you need to remember.

Your life is on the line, and not just yours. The lives of thousands, maybe

millions to come after you.

So just try to remember that it's bigger than you, and see if that can sort of

put it in perspective. And also, just play real dumb.

Real, real dumb. You didn't know.

How can I break a law I didn't know was a law? Right.

Exactly. I mean, this is going to be, that's going to be our bread and butter.

You can feel a gentle voice in your head announce the trial of Fondu, Beor, and

Boneweevil will now begin.

Tiny Barragan's like, hold your breath.

You do that.

You're instantly teleported into a bright white courtroom.

You see several anonymous, gray, transparent shades sitting in the

facing you. The court is seemingly arranged around a podium, at which is

situated a large, floating face.

Its position indicates that it might be the judge.

A voice in your head speaks.

Bondu, Beor, Boneweeple, you each stand accused of two counts of multiversal

negligence and willful world -bending. How do each of you plead?

Ignorant. Nice.

Not guilty.

Hmm.

Hi.

How do you plead?

Oh, no, thank you. Okay.

I, uh, approached the...

the judge and try to, like, lean on the bench and make a little bit of small

talk just to sort of get them back on my side.

The judge is a creature known as a quadrigal, by the way. All right, what's

diplomacy? It's 19. It goes really well. Yes.

Within moments, you're chumming it up, and the judge's eyes are squinting in

mirth. That's so wild. You've got to tell your wife to give me that recipe.

You hear a voice in your head saying, defense, your opening statement.

Quandrical of the court.

Shades of gray.

That's actually what we're going to be talking about today.

Is the law black and white? Should it be black and white? Or is there room, even

in a multiverse, for shades of gray?

I say, if there's not room for shades of gray in a multiverse, where?

Where?

Can we find the subtlety and nuance to understand that...

Not every being comes with the same understanding of our wonderful laws.

Perhaps they were just three dum -dums who didn't realize they were breaking

course of time for all time.

And should we punish them for their ignorance? Or should we instead look at

ourselves and say, how did we allow a system to create such ignorance?

All the shades are going like wobble, wobble. They're all getting picked up.

The prosecutor stands and addresses the court. He's a rabbit man in a dark suit.

Today we... I have three incredibly dangerous and unstable individuals. They

have allowed for the release of malicious outsiders into the material

they tore down the barrier between the demon realm and Earth.

I don't have to explain to anyone here what that means for our future.

Gods know we didn't get involved until they started messing with the flow of

time. No, these folks have doomed untold innocence, and we can prove they don't

deserve to be let back into material existence.

Exhibit A. He goes womp and he puts up a hologram. It's a video of you guys

attacking the caretaker of the myth.

You're holding him down and punching him in the teeth.

I didn't know how thinning I was in the back. You never see yourself in a

hologram.

Attacking a man after reneging on an infernal contract.

That's a serious thing, fondue zoo bag.

Uh, I, I, uh, ignorance.

Ignorance is no excuse for murder, especially multidimensional murder.

Uh, Quantrigal, also, is Counselor just gonna start admitting evidence in his

opening statement, or are we gonna actually, you know, question witnesses

whether or not this is admissible?

Sustained. Yeah. That's good. Great. Well, then, I would like for a counselor

lay the foundation that, wow, we don't know where this footage is from. And

you've taken the clip from a moment where, yes, they were drawn to violence.

we don't know that this is self -defense. And what's more precious than

defending your immortal soul?

The prosecutor says, OK, I got

to tell you, I had a good thing going. And I just got a whole big puncture in

balloon. The prosecutor's spiraling. He is.

Good. Good. This is good. This is what you want. Can I saunter over to the

prosecutor and try a little diplomacy? Sure, yeah. What do you want to do? I

want to say, like, why'd you even take this on? It doesn't feel like you have

the evidence.

Oh, I have the evidence. We have, like, so much evidence. This is just the very

beginning. Okay, well... You don't know these guys, man. All right, I'd like to

call a witness.

Who? Is this the first time this has ever happened?

What? A multiversal negligence charge. No, it's not. Okay, great.

Call the judge of that trial to the stand.

Another quadrigal teleports to the stand.

I use some of my diplomacy to, like, to, like, warm up this quadrigal and, like,

befriend the two quadrigals to each other.

All right, it works really well.

Everyone's vibing.

Well, Judge Quandrigal, thank you so much for joining us. Years ago, we saw a

case just like this, and you were the Quandrigal in that case, correct?

Yes. And that defendant was found guilty, is that right? Of course.

Now, they killed a god in that case, isn't that true?

Yes. Now, in this case, they killed a guardian of the abyss.

Is that true?

Oh, yes. The caretaker of the Abyss, an interdimensional guardian.

Okay, so these beings, they had never seen a god of any kind before.

So it's possible that I would not know what God looks like, and I might picture

my own version of God, and God might be a woman. What if God was one of us?

Would

you agree,

Quandrigal, that the killing of a god... In self -defense, if that was your

understanding, that is a lesser crime than a god who wields unknown power,

correct? The quandrical closes its eyes and says, perhaps.

Okay, so, and if you still didn't know and you were just trying to save your

immortal soul and you were basically without the intelligence to understand

this might have further repercussions, it's not the same as a conscious killing

of a god. Isn't that true?

Objection, objection.

I'm, I'm, I'm ejecting. This is crazy.

Where is this going?

Okay. Overruled.

Yeah, overruled is right.

The quadrigal glares at the prosecution.

Do you have a point?

No, but I got some ideas for later.

Well, yeah.

Obviously, like, I would love for Counselor to cross -examine this

Quandrigal, of this case, I hope that you see with this witness that we're

dealing with completely different crimes here. And I would like to believe that

there's a version where maybe an accidental creation of the multiverse is

best thing that could ever happen to us.

No further questions for this witness at this time.

Bravo, bravo, bravo.

The prosecution says, I call Fondue Zubag to the stand.

Now, Fondue Zubag, it says here that when you used the beast of the

you knew it would have a damaging effect on the timeline, did you not?

I wasn't there for him.

What? He looks at his paperwork, he's like stammering, he straightens his tie

and goes, this says you were.

No, no, I've been blinking in and out. I wasn't there for none of that.

Beast of Beginnings? What are you talking about? You might as well be

about Hickam and tube socks over here.

Your Honor, he's clearly lying. He's lying.

Uh -uh. No, no. All right.

Boneweevil, you're on the stand now. Wah.

Isn't it true that when you destroyed the last magical barrier of Celti's

protected network that you hang glided around the city while town folks

Yep.

Objection. Objection. Relevance. We're not here to decide how...

dope hang gliding is.

The prosecution rest.

Uh, Quandrigal, May, I would like to cite the case of up your butt versus a

coconut. Okay.

This is highly irregular.

Where are you going with this? Um, okay, great. Well, if the prosecution rests,

are we going into, like, closing statements or something?

Yeah, you are. The defense gets to make one first. The Quandrigal starts

spinning.

That's good when they spin, right? Um...

It can be good. It can be bad. It just means there's a lot of thoughts going

Okay, all right. I'm fine not being called up to the stand, but they know

part of the group, right? Yeah, and more importantly, do you know you're part of

the group?

Do you want me to call you to the stand?

I mean, just for a second. I call Bjor to the stand. Bjor teleports to the

stand.

Bjor, tell me one great thing you know about yourself.

Uh, wow.

Maybe just how good the people are around me, I guess.

Bjor, I walk over the scene and I... Bjor, that's not about you. Okay, I

you. Tell me one good thing about Bjor.

All right.

Really strong.

Objection. Counsel is clearly leading the witness to emotional breakthroughs.

Sustained. I care about... I see people.

And I care about them. Great. No further questions.

That was really great.

And there's nothing more that we could or would say.

Thank you.

The prosecutor approaches you in the stand and says, Bjorn, we have countless

incidents of unbridled violent rage so powerful it can defy physics. Multiple

people have had their heads punched clean off their bodies by you.

She sees people.

Overruled. The quadrigal spins and then stops spinning.

It shimmers and glitters and it opens its glowing eyes, fixing them on you. In

the name of cosmic justice, we of the karmic oneness find you guilty.

Your ambitions are pride and vanity, but your actions and consequences are far

more dire than you can conceive. You are sentenced to non -existence by way of

eternal coercion.

And I take a really deep breath.

And I look into the heavens and I look inside myself.

And I say, no, Quandrigal, I would like to invoke the third law.

Rubble, rubble, rubble.

of change and several aqt agents materialize in the room they're wheeled

martial arts poses yes the rule of law has been suspended so that means that

can't be held guilty for anything so go but it means that i'm no longer a

celestial being oh so just like hold that in your heart and earn it you know

why why would you why would you do that because we said we were gonna take on

the system

Yes, she failed, but then she decided to die like a mortal.

You know, I just felt like the right thing to do.

You're not going to die like right now. I'm not going to die right now. I'm just

going to die like a mortal.

You're going to die like between 70 and... Yeah, we'll see. I'm pretty

but I have been acting like I'm a mortal, so now I have to make some

choices. Right, right.

I give her 75 gold pieces for some new law books.

You do that. Because I see the love in your book. Thank you. Thank you so much.

The AQT agents, they start closing in, but two go to the end.

We're in a purge situation.

That's good. And still, we owe you a huge thanks. But now it's the purge.

yeah. How close am I to the quadrigal? You're very close.

I put on both of my goblin sprays and go up and just start punching the fuck out

of the brain.

I just... You great man.

Asshole. Humbling the quadrigal with your goblin spray fifth.

You punch it into a fine celestial mist, but then it explodes in an unholy

torrent of celestial energy, just taking out like a huge fucking chunk of the

courtroom, man.

You take 20 damage as the blast knocks you into the rest of the game. And as I

fly away, I go, worth it!

Lawrence,

can you give us something to remember you by so we can think of you when we're

remembering to try?

Take that judge's pet patch off my robes. I'm no pet of that quadrigal.

I rip off the patch, and I put it on my outfit.

You do that.

I use my vanishing grasp to get them out of here.

Oh, yeah. You do that. They kind of become incorporeal as they fade away.

You're dumped out of the precinct and you tumble through white space and

infinity before just kind of anticlimatically slowing and stopping in

hazy expanse of dark insubstantia.

Uh, YOLO.

But would our heroes be able to find their way out of the astral sea? And

they be able to find the beast of the beginning and save the universe?

Find out next time.

On Harmon. Yeah.

You're a game master, Spencer. Come on.