All language subtitles for harmonquest_s03e08_ad_quod_damnum

Last time on Harman Quest. You find
yourselves in Ivory Key.

There's some terrible demonic stuff
going over there that needs to be fixed.

Wait, the Ivory Key?

That's where the Beast of Beginning is.
What? Are you not to ride this beast?

A gray masked figure materializes in the
room.

Oh, that guy. He's not having none of
that. He lunges at Dan. A beam of light

bursts forth and both of you are
disintegrated. Fondu just died?

Hey, goblins! The goblins show up.

At the end of the day, necks are
snapped, cities fall.

Let's check out this well.

The goblins take that as a cue to
attack.

Goblin tactics are mysterious, yet
ineffective.

I'm starting to feel love, real love.

You've returned to us.

Leverick, this is our, this is our
chief.

More like our tweet.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Daddy!

Okay!

But then, it's Vortheon, your armored
season one nemesis.

Nice to see you. We remember everything
about our interaction.

The beast of beginning. I can't make it
work. Show me how to make it work or

I'll kill you. And the gray rope figure
with the metal mask appears.

Oh, that guy.

A glimmering box of light, bigger than
everything, forms around almost the

entire room. And then all of you are
disappeared, carved out of the material

plane as if by celestial magic.

Lorthion laughs.

Ah, that was unexpected, but that's
fine.

Since the dawn of the 1970s, fantasy
role -playing games have provided men

women with an escape from their awkward
lives.

Today, the most awkward of them all, Dan
Harmon, is summoning celebrity friends

to play these games of old in front of a
live studio audience in Hollywood. I am

Spencer, the Game Master, and this is
Harmon Quest!

Thank you.

I get it.

I do.

I was just hearing the same thing while
I was getting dressed this morning.

Thank you for making it real. I am Dan
Harmon. This is Harmon Quest.

But it should be called Spencer Quest
because the game master is Spencer

Crittenden.

With me, as always, my siblings in arms
with the notorious Aaron McGathey.

The bioluminescent Jeff B. Davis.

And our brand new friend, guest
improviser, role player extraordinaire,

McKenna. Yes.

Your reputation precedes you, but I
don't know how familiar you are with

role playing.

Like, do you have any experience with
this stuff?

Very, very minimal. Like, I've played,
like, a few times in both, you know,

of as a show.

So I've never played for fun. Right.

Yeah, I've never sat around and played.
Although it checks a lot of boxes of

things I'd be interested in. Yeah, I
mean, it all goes hand in hand. And

me, none of us are good. It goes real
simple.

This guy's God.

He determines whether or not all the
things that we want to do succeed or

based on dice and rules.

It's pretty simple. Without further ado,
let's play!

You find yourselves in an incredibly
nice, well -kept, holding cell of a

-looking, otherworldly place, both banal
and extraordinary.

All manner of extra -planar races, clad
in gray aristocratic garbs, stride

around a bureaucrat's office across the
hall from your prison cell.

It's like a police precinct or a
constabulary.

Oh, and by the way, it's fondue is here
instead of limerick.

Hey, buddy.

Fondue, what you in for?

I don't know. I just blinked here like
you guys.

This is frustrating. I really want you
to meet my brother Limerick, and it

like I can never get you two in the same
face.

I sidle over to the door and see if I
can jimmy this prison cell open. You

attempt that.

Three of these gray race figures kind of
show up. They're wearing these metal

masks. You work your thieves' tools into
there. It looks like it's working.

You're a pro at picking locks, and you
hear the lock click, and then it doesn't

unlock. One of the figures takes off
their mask, revealing a rabbit's head.

They say, it took me ages to get proper
warrants, but in the name of the AQD,

you are officially charged with three
counts of multiversal negligence and two

counts of willful world bending. If you
do not have an attorney, you will be

assigned one. You are now under the
custody of ad quadamnum, the plane of

imperial judgment.

I mean, that was harsh, but through that
face, how cute.

Little rabbit, man.

What are we looking at here? I don't
know. We'll have to go to court, huh?

Oh, that's nice. There's due process.

There always is. In ad quadamnum, the
plane of imperium judgments.

The door behind you clangs open, and
someone wearing lawyerly clothes

in, clutching a belt wrap of scrolls and
papers in a book.

Hello. Ah, hello. I am your court
-appointed lawyer.

My name is Flarens Sparrow.

Flarens. Flarens. Flarens. Um, I got
Flarens.

In the courtroom.

Multiversal negligence, it's really hard
to prove. And I don't know what the

courts are like where you come from, but
the prosecution does have the burden of

proof. But it's also really rare, so
when they can convict, boy, they really

like to punish hard. But listen, I'm a
great lawyer.

Really good.

You look really confident. What are
these passes? Yeah, well, this one is

Judge's Pet. I know.

It's bad.

It's bad. This they got me. But that
sounds like a good thing to have as

Well, but you know, that's them ribbing
me.

So you said that it's hard to prosecute
what we're charged with, right?

Multiversal negligence. Yeah, hard to
prove. Right, okay. So that looks good

us. Right. Yeah. When's our court date?
Are we going to be in here forever?

What's going on? If you accept me as
your counsel and you want to proceed, we

can go.

Right now, baby.

Yeah, we don't have any other lawyers,
so. No, no, no, yeah. I'm a public

defender. What are your three favorite
laws?

Well, let's see.

I love case law, honestly. That's my
favorite. So I'm really into the

versus Galgatron, which held that, like,
you can't teleport if it's to escape

family duties.

I just think, like.

I just think, like, you know... You're
led down a hall and into a much nicer

room with a desk, a couch, and some
chairs and a chalkboard. It looks like a

preparation room. There's a tiny figure
standing on the desk in a tiny suit.

My name is Tiny Berrigan.

Aw.

I'm a paralegal.

Do people call you that, or is that your
name? That's my name.

It says here you had a malicious misuse
of hope?

That can't be right. Is there something
in celestial law about, you know,

intent? Are you still breaking the law
if you don't know you're breaking it?

for sure, yeah. I'll definitely be
arguing that you were just a bunch of

ignorant actors. I think that's probably
our best course. So try to just... In

fact, when I introduce you, just, like,
stare off as much as possible. I think,

like... Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not this goblin.

Selty was an asshole.

And we did the right thing at the
moment. This is going to be a problem.

But also there's just like ghost people
that can arrest you and transport you. I

mean, is there a they mean well defense?

Well, you know, I'm going to try as much
as I can to get in some character

evidence, but that's usually a little
hard to admit. Okay, how about this?

just now finding out that that gray guy
with the metal face who makes the little

box square and tries to steal you, he...
Oh, that's where you went. He stole

you. You've been in jail since the time
he did that. It's all coming together

now. Look, how am I to know that gray
-faced douche -wad is not... He's not a

police officer. He's an enemy. You're
talking about putting the system on

That's exactly what I'm talking about.
Oh.

Wow.

Is that a good strategy?

You know, I think I was born for this.
Thank you. Yeah, I've been waiting for

the right case to come along where I
could really stick it to the system.

And if you're willing to go in guns
blazing, it might mean that your own

is harder to prove, but we might save
law for all people and things.

As I do this, I pick up Tiny Berrigan
and I sit him on my shoulder.

He's loving it.

While all this idle persiflage is going
on, I go over to the legal volumes and I

put on some reading glasses and I take a
legal volume and I'm thumbing through

it and I'm looking at it with my reading
glasses and I just start peeing all

over the place.

Listen.

It can be really nerve -wracking. Of
course, of course, of course. Here's

you need to remember.

Your life is on the line, and not just
yours. The lives of thousands, maybe

millions to come after you.

So just try to remember that it's bigger
than you, and see if that can sort of

put it in perspective. And also, just
play real dumb.

Real, real dumb. You didn't know.

How can I break a law I didn't know was
a law? Right.

Exactly. I mean, this is going to be,
that's going to be our bread and butter.

You can feel a gentle voice in your head
announce the trial of Fondu, Beor, and

Boneweevil will now begin.

Tiny Barragan's like, hold your breath.

You do that.

You're instantly teleported into a
bright white courtroom.

You see several anonymous, gray,
transparent shades sitting in the

facing you. The court is seemingly
arranged around a podium, at which is

situated a large, floating face.

Its position indicates that it might be
the judge.

A voice in your head speaks.

Bondu, Beor, Boneweeple, you each stand
accused of two counts of multiversal

negligence and willful world -bending.
How do each of you plead?

Ignorant. Nice.

Not guilty.

Hmm.

Hi.

How do you plead?

Oh, no, thank you. Okay.

I, uh, approached the...

the judge and try to, like, lean on the
bench and make a little bit of small

talk just to sort of get them back on my
side.

The judge is a creature known as a
quadrigal, by the way. All right, what's

diplomacy? It's 19. It goes really well.
Yes.

Within moments, you're chumming it up,
and the judge's eyes are squinting in

mirth. That's so wild. You've got to
tell your wife to give me that recipe.

You hear a voice in your head saying,
defense, your opening statement.

Quandrical of the court.

Shades of gray.

That's actually what we're going to be
talking about today.

Is the law black and white? Should it be
black and white? Or is there room, even

in a multiverse, for shades of gray?

I say, if there's not room for shades of
gray in a multiverse, where?

Where?

Can we find the subtlety and nuance to
understand that...

Not every being comes with the same
understanding of our wonderful laws.

Perhaps they were just three dum -dums
who didn't realize they were breaking

course of time for all time.

And should we punish them for their
ignorance? Or should we instead look at

ourselves and say, how did we allow a
system to create such ignorance?

All the shades are going like wobble,
wobble. They're all getting picked up.

The prosecutor stands and addresses the
court. He's a rabbit man in a dark suit.

Today we... I have three incredibly
dangerous and unstable individuals. They

have allowed for the release of
malicious outsiders into the material

they tore down the barrier between the
demon realm and Earth.

I don't have to explain to anyone here
what that means for our future.

Gods know we didn't get involved until
they started messing with the flow of

time. No, these folks have doomed untold
innocence, and we can prove they don't

deserve to be let back into material
existence.

Exhibit A. He goes womp and he puts up a
hologram. It's a video of you guys

attacking the caretaker of the myth.

You're holding him down and punching him
in the teeth.

I didn't know how thinning I was in the
back. You never see yourself in a

hologram.

Attacking a man after reneging on an
infernal contract.

That's a serious thing, fondue zoo bag.

Uh, I, I, uh, ignorance.

Ignorance is no excuse for murder,
especially multidimensional murder.

Uh, Quantrigal, also, is Counselor just
gonna start admitting evidence in his

opening statement, or are we gonna
actually, you know, question witnesses

whether or not this is admissible?

Sustained. Yeah. That's good. Great.
Well, then, I would like for a counselor

lay the foundation that, wow, we don't
know where this footage is from. And

you've taken the clip from a moment
where, yes, they were drawn to violence.

we don't know that this is self
-defense. And what's more precious than

defending your immortal soul?

The prosecutor says, OK, I got

to tell you, I had a good thing going.
And I just got a whole big puncture in

balloon. The prosecutor's spiraling. He
is.

Good. Good. This is good. This is what
you want. Can I saunter over to the

prosecutor and try a little diplomacy?
Sure, yeah. What do you want to do? I

want to say, like, why'd you even take
this on? It doesn't feel like you have

the evidence.

Oh, I have the evidence. We have, like,
so much evidence. This is just the very

beginning. Okay, well... You don't know
these guys, man. All right, I'd like to

call a witness.

Who? Is this the first time this has
ever happened?

What? A multiversal negligence charge.
No, it's not. Okay, great.

Call the judge of that trial to the
stand.

Another quadrigal teleports to the
stand.

I use some of my diplomacy to, like, to,
like, warm up this quadrigal and, like,

befriend the two quadrigals to each
other.

All right, it works really well.

Everyone's vibing.

Well, Judge Quandrigal, thank you so
much for joining us. Years ago, we saw a

case just like this, and you were the
Quandrigal in that case, correct?

Yes. And that defendant was found
guilty, is that right? Of course.

Now, they killed a god in that case,
isn't that true?

Yes. Now, in this case, they killed a
guardian of the abyss.

Is that true?

Oh, yes. The caretaker of the Abyss, an
interdimensional guardian.

Okay, so these beings, they had never
seen a god of any kind before.

So it's possible that I would not know
what God looks like, and I might picture

my own version of God, and God might be
a woman. What if God was one of us?

Would

you agree,

Quandrigal, that the killing of a god...
In self -defense, if that was your

understanding, that is a lesser crime
than a god who wields unknown power,

correct? The quandrical closes its eyes
and says, perhaps.

Okay, so, and if you still didn't know
and you were just trying to save your

immortal soul and you were basically
without the intelligence to understand

this might have further repercussions,
it's not the same as a conscious killing

of a god. Isn't that true?

Objection, objection.

I'm, I'm, I'm ejecting. This is crazy.

Where is this going?

Okay. Overruled.

Yeah, overruled is right.

The quadrigal glares at the prosecution.

Do you have a point?

No, but I got some ideas for later.

Well, yeah.

Obviously, like, I would love for
Counselor to cross -examine this

Quandrigal, of this case, I hope that
you see with this witness that we're

dealing with completely different crimes
here. And I would like to believe that

there's a version where maybe an
accidental creation of the multiverse is

best thing that could ever happen to us.

No further questions for this witness at
this time.

Bravo, bravo, bravo.

The prosecution says, I call Fondue
Zubag to the stand.

Now, Fondue Zubag, it says here that
when you used the beast of the

you knew it would have a damaging effect
on the timeline, did you not?

I wasn't there for him.

What? He looks at his paperwork, he's
like stammering, he straightens his tie

and goes, this says you were.

No, no, I've been blinking in and out. I
wasn't there for none of that.

Beast of Beginnings? What are you
talking about? You might as well be

about Hickam and tube socks over here.

Your Honor, he's clearly lying. He's
lying.

Uh -uh. No, no. All right.

Boneweevil, you're on the stand now.
Wah.

Isn't it true that when you destroyed
the last magical barrier of Celti's

protected network that you hang glided
around the city while town folks

Yep.

Objection. Objection. Relevance. We're
not here to decide how...

dope hang gliding is.

The prosecution rest.

Uh, Quandrigal, May, I would like to
cite the case of up your butt versus a

coconut. Okay.

This is highly irregular.

Where are you going with this? Um, okay,
great. Well, if the prosecution rests,

are we going into, like, closing
statements or something?

Yeah, you are. The defense gets to make
one first. The Quandrigal starts

spinning.

That's good when they spin, right? Um...

It can be good. It can be bad. It just
means there's a lot of thoughts going

Okay, all right. I'm fine not being
called up to the stand, but they know

part of the group, right? Yeah, and more
importantly, do you know you're part of

the group?

Do you want me to call you to the stand?

I mean, just for a second. I call Bjor
to the stand. Bjor teleports to the

stand.

Bjor, tell me one great thing you know
about yourself.

Uh, wow.

Maybe just how good the people are
around me, I guess.

Bjor, I walk over the scene and I...
Bjor, that's not about you. Okay, I

you. Tell me one good thing about Bjor.

All right.

Really strong.

Objection. Counsel is clearly leading
the witness to emotional breakthroughs.

Sustained. I care about... I see people.

And I care about them. Great. No further
questions.

That was really great.

And there's nothing more that we could
or would say.

Thank you.

The prosecutor approaches you in the
stand and says, Bjorn, we have countless

incidents of unbridled violent rage so
powerful it can defy physics. Multiple

people have had their heads punched
clean off their bodies by you.

She sees people.

Overruled. The quadrigal spins and then
stops spinning.

It shimmers and glitters and it opens
its glowing eyes, fixing them on you. In

the name of cosmic justice, we of the
karmic oneness find you guilty.

Your ambitions are pride and vanity, but
your actions and consequences are far

more dire than you can conceive. You are
sentenced to non -existence by way of

eternal coercion.

And I take a really deep breath.

And I look into the heavens and I look
inside myself.

And I say, no, Quandrigal, I would like
to invoke the third law.

Rubble, rubble, rubble.

of change and several aqt agents
materialize in the room they're wheeled

martial arts poses yes the rule of law
has been suspended so that means that

can't be held guilty for anything so go
but it means that i'm no longer a

celestial being oh so just like hold
that in your heart and earn it you know

why why would you why would you do that
because we said we were gonna take on

the system

Yes, she failed, but then she decided to
die like a mortal.

You know, I just felt like the right
thing to do.

You're not going to die like right now.
I'm not going to die right now. I'm just

going to die like a mortal.

You're going to die like between 70
and... Yeah, we'll see. I'm pretty

but I have been acting like I'm a
mortal, so now I have to make some

choices. Right, right.

I give her 75 gold pieces for some new
law books.

You do that. Because I see the love in
your book. Thank you. Thank you so much.

The AQT agents, they start closing in,
but two go to the end.

We're in a purge situation.

That's good. And still, we owe you a
huge thanks. But now it's the purge.

yeah. How close am I to the quadrigal?
You're very close.

I put on both of my goblin sprays and go
up and just start punching the fuck out

of the brain.

I just... You great man.

Asshole. Humbling the quadrigal with
your goblin spray fifth.

You punch it into a fine celestial mist,
but then it explodes in an unholy

torrent of celestial energy, just taking
out like a huge fucking chunk of the

courtroom, man.

You take 20 damage as the blast knocks
you into the rest of the game. And as I

fly away, I go, worth it!

Lawrence,

can you give us something to remember
you by so we can think of you when we're

remembering to try?

Take that judge's pet patch off my
robes. I'm no pet of that quadrigal.

I rip off the patch, and I put it on my
outfit.

You do that.

I use my vanishing grasp to get them out
of here.

Oh, yeah. You do that. They kind of
become incorporeal as they fade away.

You're dumped out of the precinct and
you tumble through white space and

infinity before just kind of
anticlimatically slowing and stopping in

hazy expanse of dark insubstantia.

Uh, YOLO.

But would our heroes be able to find
their way out of the astral sea? And

they be able to find the beast of the
beginning and save the universe?

Find out next time.

On Harmon. Yeah.

You're a game master, Spencer. Come on.