Original subtitles

Last time on Harmony Quest. I was created to protect and safeguard the

the beginning. The plight of their barbarian tribe. The Ivory Key, there's

terrible demonic stuff going over there that needs to be fixed. Wait, the Ivory

Key? That's where the beast of the beginning is. What? You find yourselves

Ivory Key. A gray mask figure materializes in the room.

I forgot about my magic vomit knowledge.

All of you fall away into unknown potentialities.

The fact that everything now looks beautiful to wonderful means that I did

job. Fondue, Zubac, you wake up.

Not me.

Fondue, you're alive.

Oh, Fondue, hey. You died. You died?

You died. No, you died. I'm so glad you're here, you guys. Please help. And

you're surrounded again. They attack a lot because of the whole army. Oh, they

attack a lot? Yeah, unfortunately.

I can take it. But then you can hear a full... crushing and thickening cracks

the sky begins to turn the world has been held again you

couldn't stop it fall back to the tunnels to the tunnels the gray figure

mentioned before appears oh that guy he lunges at dan and he tackles you to the

ground a beam of light bursts forth and both of you are disintegrated fondue

just died

Since the dawn of the 1970s, fantasy role -playing games have provided men

women with an escape from their awkward lives.

Today, the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, is summoning celebrity friends

to play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.

I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is Harvest!

That is exactly how much I would applaud for me.

I'm so good to finally meet people that are on the same page. Welcome to Harmon

Quest Season 3. I am the titular Harmon, but I wish I wasn't titular because the

real star of the show and the reason it keeps going and is so beloved is our

game master, Spencer Crittenden.

My wonderful partner in...

Role -playing now.

Now till fake death do us part.

Erin McGathey.

The little John to my Robin Hood.

Jeff B. Davis.

And our exciting new friend, our guest role -player for this episode.

You've seen him at Sally's Chuckle Sack in...

pittsburgh please welcome the fantabulous joel kim booster

so

you you had just said the most intriguing thing backstage where we

met uh about your familiarity with role playing that your parents had

Super Christian, super evangelical home growing up. So I was not allowed to play

Dungeons and Dragons because it was sort of the gateway to Satanism.

But still turned out gay.

Fantasy role -playing tabletop games work pretty simply like this. This

over here is a game master.

He's like the god.

He uses dice to simulate randomness and rules to simulate the way things work.

We have these characters with a bunch of numbers on them representing what we

can and can't do. We tell him what we want to try to do, and he tells us

or not it worked.

So, without further ado, let's...

A fractured network of tunnels and caverns crisscrossing throughout the

range known as Terris Kizis, the Broken Strata.

You don't know what time has been or what time has passed.

And even though the goblins claim that they knew the way, you're all incredibly

lost and everyone's hungry and everyone's pissed.

Limerick, I wasn't saying that you should stop breathing. You're just

really hard, like you want us all to know that you're breathing.

One does not come back from the shadow of death.

Without adenoid problems.

Hey! Hey, some of us are trying to sleep over here.

Goblin.

Bone weevil.

We know each other.

A goblin pushes through the crowd of goblins to where you are. Hey, guys, we

sent out some parties to, like, find a way forward, but neither of them are

returned. We fear them dead or, like, really stupid.

You guys, you're like heroes. You kind of help save us. You want to maybe find

way out?

I start walking down one of the dark passageways.

You do that. You enter a chamber lined with goblin statues.

This whole cavern smells deeply of fungus.

and you can see thickets of fungal fungus on the wall.

Brown moss, which is different than fungus, covers huge patches of the

You can hear muffled cries coming from a large burlap sack. It's jiggling and

bustling. It's hung from one of the... Excuse me. Excuse me.

Uh, hi.

I rushed up to the sack.

This sucks.

Uh, yeah, that adds up.

Are you going to do something about it? Yeah.

Sorry.

Perhaps I overdo it. You overdo it.

The rope burst to thread.

Sorry, I hope I didn't scare you with my strength.

No, you absolutely did.

It was just a simple double knot. I feel like you waste a lot of energy. Well,

you needed help. I'm sorry.

I don't know why. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've just been in a bag. I don't know

why I'm attacking you.

Thank you so much for helping me, for saving me. Some fucking goblins put me

a burlap sack. You know how they are.

I know.

My name is Tori Amos.

No last name.

Just sort of one name.

Like Madonna.

But a little darker, a little edgier, you know, undervalued. Can you explain

your clothing? I've never seen anything like it.

Oh, you mean my head -to -toe leather mesh?

I don't really know.

I don't know where to look.

I don't know. Do you want me to look?

No, no, no. The whole point of it is so you will look.

Yeah, no, so sorry. Thank you so much for saving me. Um, I'm a dwarven

and you know dungeons are my game I'm big into dungeons.

I know all the hottest dungeons If there's a dungeon if there's a dungeon

explored I've gone in I've explored it I've looted it I got all the best tips

and tricks For every dungeon.

This is fortuitous. We are trapped down here in this network of Caves. Oh, no

way. Did you not just hear me? I love caves.

Hey,

guys. I just caught up with you. Who's your new friend? Whoa!

Oh, is this a goblin?

Yeah.

He's cool.

You're in Goblopolis.

I'm sorry.

I can't tell. This wouldn't be the goblin that put me in a sack, right? No.

Okay, because they look very similar to me. No, no.

When I... When I, Bone Weevil, put you in a sack, you'll know who put you in

sack.

Goblin, it's a bad time to be proud. Bone Weevil, say my name.

I pick up that sack and keep it with me just in case.

All right.

That's so aggressive. I did do kind of a number on the sack.

I take the sack back, and I sort of drape it around myself, and it looks

incredible. Okay.

I got to say... I got to say, that's fucking working. Yeah. That works. I

Brown and black, who would have thought?

Look, we got up on the wrong foot.

We would love your help.

Yeah, you help me. You, like, serve as, like, my bodyguards, because you seem,

like, really big and strong and scary, and I love that for a woman. Thank you.

I wear very little to show off my muscles.

Shame. Yeah.

Okay, first off, here's what you need to know about this room. The mold, deadly.

I've got acid.

Okay, well, this is not the time to trip, okay?

Like, is that really the vibe?

I turn to Limerick just so he can hear me.

I know we're not great at sensing these things, but do you feel a vibe? I feel a

vibe. There's so much shadow around us, there seems little need to throw so much

shade.

Okay, wait, so I have an idea.

I have a little bit of fire, so I'm lighting my torch, and I'm just going to

torch it. Hell yeah. You do that.

The fungus doesn't burn readily, but it does burn, and it's not super fast, but

it is effective.

Maybe it's a good time to transition via my journal entries as time passes.

Day three.

As this fungus grows, so does my fear.

What am I?

Evanescence, chill out.

You were like... It's such a bummer. I've been doing my best with this

and it's like you were being such a Debbie Downer back there. I can hear

didn't know I was speaking out loud. Yeah, you were.

And it's not good for morale at all.

I'm really doing my best. You know, it's just three days of me just burning

through fucking mushrooms, but...

You enter a wet and low -ceiling chamber, absolutely crawling with

my God.

It seems the cavern bends down and has been flooded below.

Like, how many feet of fungus are in front of us?

25. So I have an idea.

So I have this little bow with me.

It's a short bow.

And I'm wondering, like, what if I just, like, tie some rope around this spike

and then shoot it like Batman?

We sort of swing over that first patch of fungus. Can we do that? We can try.

Great.

Oh, boy. Okay. Your bowstring snapped!

And it hit you in the eye!

Are you all right?

Um, yeah, my eye sort of hurts, but, um, other than that, you know, it's mostly

my pride.

Honestly, I'll be real with you. That was embarrassing to do in front of all

you. Um... I also have rope and a short bow. I'm going to give you a second

chance. Here, take my short bow, take my rope, and, uh... What are you eating?

Are you eating one of the mushrooms?

We don't even want to touch those things. Why are you eating them?

Here, Tori Amos, here's my bow. Thank you. I accept it. And honestly, I feel

like this is a moment of growth for me personally vis -a -vis goblins.

That's what he said.

It would be a new take on it. Okay.

I'm going to use... I'm going to use my telekinesis

and just push you back a little bit farther.

You're certainly crushing on my space.

So I do that first. That's the first order of business. And then I take his

and his rope and another one of my spikes, and I do the same thing that I

the last time. All right.

I'm a little nervous.

All right. Yeah, definitely. You hit, and it finds purchase among the rock.

You give it a test tug, and it's firm.

Great. I love that.

All right, meanwhile, Bone Weevil, you feel... You're stunned for three rounds.

Okay.

Man down.

I scoop up Bone Weevil like a lawn ornament.

Okay.

Hold on to him, and I leap over.

Where are you leaping? Into the water?

Can I leap and then as I'm going down into the water, release my fold -a

Surprise!

You leaped!

It's a real complex and finesseful maneuver.

And then, yeah, nope.

You land in the fold -a -boat. It looks like a big origami swan.

I'm going to climb across the rope and just check out this area.

All right.

Just to see if there's anything interesting, like a treasure.

You do that. You climb into these ruins.

Oh, man, it's like a crumbled structure. And you don't find any treasure, but

you find, oh, man, it's something extremely gross.

It's a milky, white -colored, glistening brain.

It's nestled among fungus. I wasn't sure where that was going.

So,

guys, I hope you're having fun on your yacht, but I...

I'm over here and I have an emergency.

I'm called out as I'm brushing Bone Weevil's hair.

I talk Bone Weevil up there ahead of myself.

I catch him.

All right. Bone Weevil plops into the water because you missed. Oh, no. Okay.

to fish him out of the water.

You do that, it's a critical hit. You reel him in, and also you reel in a

treasure chest.

Wow.

Pull him in.

And I say loudly, hoping he can hear, your friendship was treasure enough

Shadow Ray!

Thank you so much for taking this seriously.

Shoot two bolts of shadow that deal four die six damage each.

All right. It's a critical hit.

Dealing 45 damage. Oh, yeah.

The mold brain is consumed by shadows as it disintegrates.

Wow. Welcome to the party. Also, Jeff Dunn wears off. Hey, hey, ha, ha.

Hey, guys, why am I wet?

To sort of show my...

Growth as a character and my bigotry is lifting. I use minor dryness to

dry Jeff off.

This doesn't mean that we're friends. This does not mean that we're friends.

I open up the treasure chest. You see two things in this treasure chest.

A large golden sandwich.

Great. And a small wand.

I touched the sandwich with the end of my tongue.

It tastes like gold.

You test things with your tongue?

Yeah, I don't want to talk to my brother about it, but... Yeah, you don't know

where that's been.

Let's all take whatever you got and let's try to row.

You row. You row to that place you wanted and find the shore.

Thank God we did it.

Here we are, guys. I did it.

Exiting the water, you can see into a crumbling chamber what was once a finely

crafted section of ancient temple but has now fallen into disarray. In the

middle, you see a magnificent chest standing a few feet away from a

crafted mural of gold and gems.

The mural depicts a monstrous humanoid grasping at a gleaming crown.

Around the chest are three green figures, goblin skeletons covered in

green fungus.

So I just want to say, looking at this place, I know you guys are all thinking

it, but we could totally buy and flip this place, right?

Detect magic.

You detect all sorts of magic. It's so crazy.

There's necromantic magic coming from that chest.

Conversely, illusory magic from the mural.

I crawl up on that chest and put my ear to it to see if I can hear anything

inside it. Careful.

It's got necromantic on it.

Literally, there are like six of you dead around it, and yet you still felt

need.

Yeah. I can't believe you're alive.

You put your ear to it, and you can feel the sizzle of necromantic magic trying

to reach out to you, but your evasion kicks in, and you evade. A plume of dark

magic rises up but hits nothing.

Great. Thank you. Can we move on?

I feel like I hate this picture. It's the first thing I'd get rid of in this

room. Can I use shatter on the painting?

The mural? The mural, rather. It's an illusory mural. Okay, I didn't know I

going to art history class today.

It's the painting. It's the mural.

You get the point. I'm going to shatter it.

You do that. You hear the crumbling and shattering of stone and metal, but the

mural doesn't change.

Oh, weird. It's an illusion.

Yeah, I'm just going to go through it. All right, you do that. You can see a

waterfall. It's pouring onto a cascade of rocks and ruins are crumbling in

various areas. There's kind of three islands mostly composed out of fungus.

You can see a mound rises up in the dark and a gleaming grain protrudes from the

top, followed by two more as a hulking, multi -limbed creature shapes itself out

of the goopy fungus.

Three mouths rip open in a surface and all scream a scream that could not be

made with traditional anatomy.

You can hear the movement of fungus as a light shaft cuts through the cavern

darkness. It seems to be refracted and bounces around various pieces of the

cavern before hitting someone.

Who, Erin? A blast of intense light hits you for 26 damage.

And you're momentarily blinded by the light. I jump towards the monster.

And I use unarmed strike.

And I say, do you like this?

All right. You punch it in its flesh.

Dealing five damage.

So I'm going to sort of just longsword it. You do that.

The boss moth is so occupied with Beor that you find it easy to get into prime

attacking position for a sneak attack.

It hits, dealing 28 damage.

One of the brains shrivels up and pops, but the other two are still around.

Oh, I get it.

Fours shower the area, and you guys get hit with them.

Dan gets blinded.

And the oar gets knocked over. I sneak up stealthily, take out my rapier, and

for a sneak attack.

All right. You also do that.

It deals 23 damage. Yep.

The other brain pops.

You can see several spores shake loose from its surface.

Shit. Uh -oh.

Oh, yeah, you get hit. You get hit by the spores, and you just take 10 damage.

There's only one brain remaining, and it's wearing a spindly fungal crown.

Oh.

Young man, sorry, I don't have the eyes I used to. Hoo -ah!

Would somebody point me in the general direction? Hoo -ah! Of the last brain so

I may cast flesh at rain.

It's my Al Pacino impression. He was blind in that movie.

Oh.

Blasting forth a volley of shrapnel, you shred the boss moss into shreds,

dealing 22 damage.

Okay, I jumped for the crown because that is mine.

You do that, it's yours.

Fungus in the cavern withers and dies and shrivels, and you can see a shaft of

light opening up, revealing an exit that has been choked off by fungus.

Is it reachable? Is there a way to get there? It's imminently reachable.

I reach it. You reach it.

Toriana, I want you to have this golden sandwich.

Oh, wow, this thing that you put your mouth on.

I just tasted it. Thank you so much. I wipe it on myself and then sort of

gingerly put it in my bag.

And I say, thank you. And then I turn to Bone Weevil. But I'm doing one of

these.

And I go,

hey, we made a pretty good team back there, huh?

I look over at him.

And I walk slowly up to him, and he's a little bit taller than me.

So I climb up his mesh outfit, put it on his shoulder, and I look him in the

eye, and I say, you know what, dwarf?

You're all right.

I love it. And I got tears in my eye, but I won't cry.

And I say, and I nod. I don't even say thank you. I just say.

And then I take him and I put him on the ground and then I walk off. And I wave

one last time, but like way too far away.

That happens. You guys remember that you were doing this for the aid of the

goblins to help them escape.

Oh. Oh, right.

Shit.

Someone want to go back and... Well, I think we all do want to.

That seems like the goblins show up.

Because friendship is a powerful

ride.

Going down the highway, we're finding out what's inside.

We've been through so much, through thick and thin.

And I'll be your belonging, friend in dungeon.

back in and I jammed the golden sandwich in his mouth, stopping him mid -fall.

But would our heroes be able to find the beast of the beginning? Would they find

it or succumb to the darkness?

And would anybody appreciate Limerick's vocal styling?

Find out next time on Heart Quest.