Original subtitles

- Oh doggone it!

- Hello there Mr. Drucker.

- Oh good morning.

- Good morning.

- What are you looking for?

- My hammer.

- Why do you keep it in the pickle barrel?

- Well I don't...

- Shouldn't you keep it in the hammer barrel?

- What's a hammer barrel?

- It's like a pickle barrel, but for hammers.

- There's no such thing.

- Oh, the Carpenters are having a ball.

Are we going to go?

- Well I... - Got it!

My bowling trophy.

Well if you folks would like to go,

Ralph Monroe left some tickets here.

She's chairman of the entertainment committee.

- Oh that sounds like a lot of fun.

- No, not to me it doesn't.

I don't think I'll...

- You'll enjoy it Mr. Douglas.

Well how'd my portable radio get in here?

- What do they do at the ball?

- Well besides dancing they have nail driving,

scaffold racing, barrel rolling, sawhorse racing.

- Oh that sounds like a lot of fun.

Oliver why don't we go?

- I don't wanna go.

- I don't remember dropping this in here.

- Yeah, well you...

- Well, it didn't hurt it any.

Pickle juice preserved it.

- Oliver I think you should buy tickets.

- No, I don't want to go...

- One thing you'll like, they have a beauty contest.

- Oh?

- Ralph Monroe came in 2nd last year.

- She did?

Who won?

- A fella named Homer Jenkins.

- A fellow?

- Yeah, they had to let them enter

because they didn't have enough pretty girls.

- I think we should go Oliver.

- I told ya, I don't want to go.

- Doggone, a pickle!

Wonder how that got in there.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Oliver, why don't we buy tickets?

- I told you, no I don't wanna go to that stupid ball.

- That proves what my father always said.

You're a big drag.

- I don't care what your father said.

- What are we going to do Saturday night?

- Well I don't know about you,

but I'm gonna watch a TV special on ecology.

- Who's in it?

- Tiny Tim.

- I like him.

- It's a documentary on pollution.

- You don't have to watch TV to know how to get polluted.

- It's not that kind of pollution.

- What other kind do you know?

- Lisa, what's happening to our environment

is a lot more important than going to a dance.

- That's what you always say.

- I never said that before.

- Well then where did I hear it?

- I haven't the fainest idea.

Well what's, Eb, what do you think you're doing?

- Oh I'm just practicing for the nail driving contest.

It's the highlight of the ball.

- And you don't want to go.

- No, I...

- The winner gets a gold plated hammer worth $6.98 retail!

- And you don't want to go.

- No, I don't.

- Time me.

- Cut that out!

- That was very good.

You did that in four seconds.

- Hey, I'm getting better.

Well of course this ain't a real test.

This wood's pretty rotten.

- No, it's not rotten.

- Are you going to take Darlene to the ball?

- Yes ma'am.

Hey that reminds me.

I've gotta go over and see her.

We've gotta practice for the two handed saw contest.

- Why don't you practice plowing the field?

- Is that one of the events at the ball?

- No.

- Then why should I practice it?

- He's right. - He's not.

- I'll see ya later.

- Eb, come back. - Howdy doody.

- Hello there Ralph.

- Are you practicing for the nail driving contest?

- No, I'm not.

- You'll never get anywhere with that grip.

Here, let me show ya.

- Will ya stop that?

- That's very good.

You did that in three seconds.

- That's a snap.

This wood is so crummy.

- Look, you... - Have you bought

your tickets yet for the Carpenter's Ball?

- I'm not going to the ball.

- Your father was right.

He is a big drag.

- He wants to stay home and watch TV.

- Well when you get his age,

I guess that's about all the excitement you can handle.

- Oh you're a funny carpenter.

- You're gonna miss a big evening.

We're gonna have a steak and lobster dinner with champagne,

and two dance bands and $500 in door prizes.

- Oh, that sounds wonderful.

How much are the tickets?

- 50 cents each.

- 50 cents?

- Little too rich for your blood huh?

- What blood?

- He's not only a drag, he's anemic.

- If you two ladies will excuse me.

- Well it looks like I'm not going to go to your ball.

- Oh that's a shame.

- Who are you going with?

- Well I wouldn't go with anyone but Hanky Kimball.

- Oh that's nice.

- Yeah, it would be nice if he'd ask me.

- Doesn't look like he's going to.

- With a man you never wait for asking.

You got to take the bull by the corn.

- Well I can't ask him.

- You don't have to ask.

Just drop a couple of hints that you're available.

- Well I would if I could corner him,

but he keeps avoiding me.

- Well pick a spot where he can't avoid you.

- Hanky! - Hmm?

Hanky!

- Holy smokes it's Ralph.

No, I'm trying to keep Ralph outta here.

- Hanky!

- How'd you get in here?

- I was waiting for you in the closet.

- Oh well that's a good place to wait, yeah.

Why don't you go back and wait 'til I get here.

- I was gonna ask if you wanna go to the Carpenter's Ball.

- Oh of course, I never miss that.

Well, not never.

I did miss one.

Or was it two.

No, it was, come to think of it,

I've never been to one.

- How would you like to go this year?

- Oh gee, I'd like to, but I haven't got a date.

- Oh.

I haven't got a date either.

- Then why don't we go stag

and see if we can pick up a couple of girls?

- If you didn't have such an animal attraction

I'd belt you.

Are you gonna take me to the dance Saturday night or not?

- Saturday night huh?

Oh, just remembered, I'm busy.

- Doing what?

- Well I have to sit with my mother.

That's her night to get the bends.

- The bends?

- Yeah see Saturday she goes deep sea diving

and then Saturday night she comes home with the bends.

- Hanky.

- Oh say, that reminds me, oh I gotta go home

and check her air valve.

She's been getting bubbles in her head piece.

- Hey look, I'm starved.

What's for lunch?

- Why don't you look in the refrigerator

and see what's up for grabs?

- Oh now look.

What are you doing?

- Figuring out how to help Ralph.

That poor girl just called.

She's got a problem.

- Yes, I've seen her.

- Oliver.

She want Mr. Kimball to take her to the ball.

But he can't.

Because his mother has bubbles in her head.

- Bubbles in her head.

She's probably been listening to too many

Lawrence Welk records.

- Oh, if I could just figure out

how to get Mr. Kimball to take her out.

- Take my advice, don't interfere.

If he doesn't wanna take her, that's up to him.

- But he thinks he doesn't want to take her.

But after I have a little talk with him,

he'll change his mind.

- Just what are you gonna say to him?

- I haven't figured that out yet.

- Well do you mind if I have lunch while you're figuring?

- Never could face a crisis.

How to get Mr. Kimball?

I think I've got it.

Oh hello there Mr Kimball.

I was just going up the pole to call you.

- Oh well you go right ahead, I'll wait.

- As long as you are here I can talk to you

without the pole.

- Oh yeah, I guess you could do that.

- Well what I was going to say.

Oh, by the way, did you get the bubbles

out of your mother's head yet?

- Bubbles?

Oh, no that was just a story

I told Ralph to get out of taking her to the ball.

- Why don't you want to take her?

Don't you like her?

- Oh she's not too bad.

Well she's not too good either.

Well, she does have some nice,

well they're not really nice,

they're um, I'll say one thing for her.

She's a mess.

- Mr. Kimball, that's not a very nice thing to say.

- Well I didn't mean it...

- If you don't take Ralph to the ball,

who are you going to take?

- Oh I'm not going.

I don't have a date.

- Would you go if you did have one?

- Oh sure.

- How would you like to take me?

- Take you where?

- To the ball.

What do you say?

- Well it's fine with me, but what about what's his name?

- Don't worry about what's his name.

- Then it's a date.

You can pick me up Saturday night about eight.

- I thought you would pick me up.

- Where? - Here.

- What about what's his name?

- Oh he'll be watching TV.

- Hey that's smart.

You keep him busy while we're,

well you know what I mean.

- Then I'll see you Saturday night.

Right.

Well so long, Lis.

- Did you solve your problem yet?

- Yes Oliver, I'm going to ball with another man.

- That's fine.

Don't you want to know who it is?

- No.

But I have a feeling you'll tell me anyhow.

- I'm going to ball with Mr. Kimball.

- Mr. Kimball!

- Now I suppose you want to know

why I am going with Mr. Kimball.

- So you can get him to the ball

and then turn him over to Ralph.

- Well, you're not as dumb as my father said you were.

- Didn't your father ever say anything nice about me?

- He did once.

But I don't remember what it was.

- I still think you should mind your own business.

- If I did, I wouldn't be a true Hungarian.

- I don't believe it.

- Well I'll tell ya it's true.

- Well why would Mrs. Douglas want to go to the ball

with Hank Kimball.

- Well that's what I can't understand

when I'm available.

- Does Mr. Douglas know about it?

- I doubt it.

He's not too bright.

- Well I just can't believe it.

- Well I guess the marriage is over.

But I saw it coming.

- Why would they split up?

- Well I guess his being such a big drag

had something to do with it.

- Hi Fred, hi Sam.

- Oh hello Haney.

- Well, free coffee?

- I guess so.

- You fellas heard the sad news?

- About Hank Kimball and Mrs. Douglas?

- Yep.

They're running off together to Acapulco

Saturday night.

- Oh that's the silliest thing.

- Acapulco huh?

Well I heard they's just going to the ball together.

- That's their cover story.

While Mr. Douglas is watching his ecologist special,

they'll be sipping margaritas on the lovebird flight.

- That's nonsense.

Mrs. Douglas isn't that kind of a woman.

- That's what they said about Cleopatra

just before she run off with Richard Burton.

- Cleopatra didn't...

- I still can't figure why she picked Hank Kimball.

- Well I've heard he has a certain animal attraction.

- Well I never seen no dogs running after him.

- It ain't that kind of attraction.

It's the kind that made Toby Wing

run off with Wallace Berry.

- Oh for the love of...

- My wife had a big thing for Wallace Berry.

I wish he'da took her instead of Toby.

- You two better stop spreading this rumor.

- It ain't no rumor.

- I kinda hate to see the Douglas marriage break up.

- Maybe it don't have to.

Maybe I can salvage it.

- What do you got in mind Haney?

- Sam, I ain't one to let a marriage go down the drain

when they might be a few dollars stuffed in the pipe.

Heya.

- Well hello there Mr. Haney.

- Hello old chum.

- Old chum?

- Oh doggone, you look as woe be gone

as a catfish in dried up mud lark.

- What does that...

- Is Mrs. Douglas around?

- No.

- She never is anymore is she?

No wonder you look

as sad as a pelican with a mouthful of porcupine.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

And I don't think you do either.

- Well I guess the husband

is always the last one to find out.

- Find out what?

- My card.

- Haney's marriage salvage service.

- For the nominal fee of $200

I will see that your wife don't leave ya.

- Leave me?

My wife isn't going to...

- Mr. Douglas, it pains me to tell ya

that your wife is involved with another man.

Who shall be nameless.

- Oh Mr. Haney.

- So from now on we shall refer to him as Hank nameless.

Or no name Kimball if you prefer.

- Hank Kimball?

- He's the man your wife is enameled with.

- That's ridicu, it's also the wrong word.

It's enamored.

- Do you know what's happening Saturday night?

- Yes, my wife is going to the ball with Hank Kimball.

You swallowed their cover story, huh?

You haven't heard about their margarita flight

to Acapulco?

- Mr. Haney my wife is...

- Tut tut now, don't blame it all on her.

You're no Wallace Berry you know.

- Wallace Berry?

Look, Mr. Haney I...

- Now, now, now, let's not get over emotionalized.

I am here to help you as soon as I get your $200.

- I'm not paying you any $200.

- Well I'm sure you'll change your mind

when I show you the solution to your problem.

- I don't have a.

- Oh Ms. Solution.

- Ms. Solution?

- This is Ingrid.

- How do you do?

- Shh, don't say anything until I get the $200.

Ingrid is a Norwegian import.

- How do you... - Don't.

We smuggled her in with a boat load of kippered herring.

- Of all the...

- Now Ingrid will be your date at the ball.

- How do... - Shh.

- What, what do you mean my date?

- Don't you see?

You walk in there with this ravishing creature on your arm,

your wife'll get insanely jealous

and she'll come crawling back to ya.

- Oh boy.

- Now if you'll just sign this contract.

- I'm not going to...

- As you can see it contains an if clause.

If things work out between you and Ingrid

and if you decide to get married,

there'll be a small finder's fee.

- Mr. Haney.

You're out of your mind.

Now take Ms. Kippered Herring and get out of here.

- Well but Mr... - Goodbye!

- Come on Ingrid.

- What about the $10 you promised me?

- Get on the truck or I'll report you

to the immigration department.

- Lisa, Lisa!

- What's the matter?

- I wanna talk to you.

Do you know what you've done with your meddling?

- No but I'll look for it you need it.

- Look, will you be serious?

Mr. Haney was just here to save our marriage.

- From what?

- There's a stupid rumor going around

that not only are you going to the ball with Mr. Kimball,

but he's taking you to Acapulco.

- Oh, Mr. Kimball didn't tell me that part.

- Lisa, will you please.

- That might be fun.

I've never been there.

- Lisa, everyone thinks you and Mr. Kimball

have a romance going.

- Where did they get that idea?

- Where do the people around here ever get any ideas?

They make 'em up.

- If Ralph hears about this, she might misunderstand.

- Yeah, she might.

- I guess I'd better go and call her

and tell her why I made the date with Mr. Kimball.

- Lisa, take my advice, now drop the whole thing.

- Well, if it isn't sexless Harry.

- What?

- If you were man enough to keep your wife at home

she wouldn't be running around with my boyfriend.

- She's not running around with your boyfriend!

- Oh no?

Then why are they planning to take

the Roman Cola flight to Rio de Janero?

They're not take.

Look, my wife is up on the pole

trying to phone you right now.

Why don't you go out and talk to her.

She'll explain.

- What kind of a story did you give her to tell me?

- I didn't give her any story.

This whole thing was a plan...

- Oh I get it, a plan huh?

You're trying to pawn your wife off on my boyfriend

so you can do your thing with Ingrid.

- What thing?

- Well whatever you do with a kippered herring.

- Oh for...

- You must be pretty proud of yourself.

You've wrecked four lives.

No, three.

Yours was already a wreck!

- Oh you!

- There wasn't any answer at Ralph's.

- She was just here.

- Well why didn't you call me?

- I didn't get a chance.

All she did was bawl me out.

- What did you do to her?

- I didn't do anything.

- But did you explain the misunderstanding?

- She wouldn't listen.

She accused me of planning the whole thing,

wrecking everybody's life.

- That's what you get for sticking out your big nose.

- Me?

You're the one who started this whole mess.

- No, it was you.

If you would have agreed to take me to the ball

instead of watching TV,

I wouldn't have made that date with Mr. Kimball.

- You shouldn't have made the date.

That town's built the whole thing up into at big scandal.

You're running around together, going to the ball,

he's flying to Rio de Janero with you.

- Oh?

He changed his mind about Acapulco?

- Oh Lisa.

- I better call Mr. Kimball and straighten him out.

- Just drop it.

- No.

As my father, the king, always said,

never leave your friends up the creek without a paddle

because you may meet them coming down again.

- Oh hello Mr. Kimball.

- Don't hello me.

I just come over to punch you in the nose.

- What's your problem?

- I'll tell ya my problem, it's.

No that's my mother's problem.

My problem is, uh.

- Mr. Kimball, why don't you go talk to my wife.

She's trying to...

- That's my problem, your wife.

Did you know she's running around with me?

- I've heard.

- Well so did my boss.

And when he found out I was running around

with a married woman, well he was very put out.

No, he wasn't put out, I was.

He fired me.

- He fired you?

- Yeah, and it's all your fault.

If you kept your wife happy

she wouldn't go chasing after me.

- She's not chasing after you!

- Then how come she's planning to take me

to Paris on a champagne flight?

- I don't believe this.

- Well, your little scheme worked.

- What scheme?

- Yeah, the one to keep your wife busy

while you're playing footsy with Ingrid, huh?

The pickled herring girl.

- I am not playing footsy with her.

- Oh?

What are you playing?

- Goodbye Mr. Kimball.

- Goodbye.

- Oliver, Mr. Kimball wasn't home either.

- If you'd just hang around here, you'd meet everybody.

Mr. Kimball was just here.

- What did he want?

- He wanted to punch me in the nose.

- Now what did you do?

- You did it.

Mr. Kimball was just fired because of this whole mess.

- Oh that's terrible.

I'd better call his boss and straighten it out.

- No you don't.

You've done enough straightening out.

You've got everybody thinking there's something going on

between you and Kimball, between me and Ingrid,

everybody is flying...

- Hold it, hold it, let's back up to you and Ingrid.

Who is she?

- Well she's uh...

- Oh so that's why you wanted to push me onto Mr. Kimball,

so that you and Ingrid could...

- Oh forget Ingrid.

- You don't seem to be able to forget it.

You keep mentioning her name.

- Lisa, there's only one way to stop these rumors.

- I'm glad you decided to take me to the ball.

- I had no other choice.

When people see us together they'll stop talking

about our marriage going on the rocks.

You ready?

- In a minute.

Oh by the way, where are we going to go after the ball?

- We are coming home.

- I had a better date with Mr. Kimball.

He was going to fly me to Acapulco.

- Let's go.

- Oh, you forgot your hammer for the nail driving contest.

- Come on.

- You're not going to be much fun at the party.

- I'm not going there to have fun.

I'm going.

- Hello dear!

It's so nice to see you together again.

- Yeah.

Well we talked it over Mr. Douglas.

And we decided to play your way.

- My way?

- The four of us will double date.

- Double date? - Well, let's go.

Come on Lis.

- Hey come back here.

She's going with me.

- You don't need her.

I'm your date sweetie.

- I'm not taking you to the ball.

- Well if you'd rather we stay home and watch TV.

- We're going to the ball.

- Oliver, when are you coming to bed?

In a minute.

- Oh, wasn't it a fun party?

- Oh, a riot.

I don't know how I let you talk me

into entering that stupid nail driving contest.

- Well I told you you should have practiced.

Does it hurt?

- Of course it hurts.

- Well come to bed.

It'll feel better.

- Could we forget the whole thing?

It was a shambles.

- It wasn't a complete shambles.

You did come in 3rd in the beauty contest.

- I didn't enter the beauty contest.

I was just walking by to get you a drink of water.

Somebody pinned a ribbon on me.

- You could have won it if you had been nicer to the judges.

- Lisa, I'd like to go to sleep.

- One last thing.

What went on between you and Ingrid?

I told ya, nothing.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I'm sure.

- And you won't ever think of her again?

- No.

Now goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- Lisa.

- What?

- Do we have any kippered herring in the house?

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.