Original subtitles

- Just had to get out of the house

before Fred and I got into another argument.

- Oh?

What are you and Mr. Ziffel arguing about?

- Television.

I wanna watch the pro football reruns,

he wants to watch the soap operas.

You know he's got a real

thing for the Adventures of Prudence Pennypacker?

- Oh?

Who is she?

Is she a good one?

- Believe me, she's no Joe Namath.

- Lisa, look what happened to my new sport coat.

Hello, Mrs. Ziffel.

- Hi, Mr. Douglas.

- Oliver, it's not very polite

to schtand in front of Mrs. Ziffel

in your naked shirt sleeves.

Well, I just wanted to show you the coat,

the cleaners couldn't get the oil stains out.

- No problem.

- No problem?

- Oh, nothing will get the stains outta that.

What did you go, fall in a salad bowl?

- I was checking the oil in my car.

- Oh, you fell on the crankcase.

- No, I... - Well what did you fall in?

- I didn't fall in...

- This should clean up your coat in a schpickle.

- What is that?

- Uncle Boris sent it to me from Budapest.

He discovered it, it's a cleaning fluid.

I've been waiting for you to do something schluppy

so that I could try it out.

- Oh, it's nice that you finally came through for her.

- I wish you wouldn't use that on my coat.

Lisa, don't!

That's cashmere, it costs...

- Well, here we are!

- Well I'll be, that's the greatest thing I ever seen!

- I can't believe it, it really worked!

Which is more than anyone can say for your Uncle Boris.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out, so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

And now for today's episode

of Prudence Pennypacker.

Today's episode is not recommended for children

due to its raw passion, and highly provocative theme.

- Okay Arnold, into your room.

Don't argue with me, a boy of your age

ain't ready for this highly provocative stuff.

I don't care how many Fellini pictures

you've seen, go to your room.

Are the children out of the room?

- Yeah, hit me with that raw passion.

Now for Prudence Pennypacker.

- Fred I got, oh, are you looking

at that thing again?

- Now Doris, don't bug me.

I don't bug you when the Green Bay Packers are on.

You'll remember that yesterday,

we left Prudence and Carl Watson stranded

in Walker Cartwright's mountain cabin,

huddled together in a blanket

to keep from freezing to death!

- Yeah, I remember, I remember.

Now doggone it, Doris, you're gonna regret that.

Some day you and I will trapped in a mountain cabin,

freezing to death, and we won't know what to do.

- Fred, you know what this is?

- How do I know?

You drink something different every day!

- This is cleaning fluid.

- When did you switch to that?

- It's cleaning fluid Ms. Douglas give me.

I brought it home so you could take

that spot out of the rug.

- Now you know we've tried everything,

nothing's gonna take that spot out.

- This will.

Come on, get going.

- Aw.

- What's a matter?

- My war wound's acting up.

- Only time you was wounded was when the MPs

threw you out of the bar.

- Now have a little respect for my Purple Heart.

- I got as much respect for your Purple Heart

as I got for your red nose.

- Now see here.

- Oh, gimme that.

- You're just wasting your time.

Nothing gonna take that spot out.

Well, I'll be a dirty...

- You watch your mouth, Arnold's in the next room.

- Let me see that!

This stuff is miracle.

- Boy, I've been waiting for this.

Just hope they sent me the right size.

Ah, seven and an eight, chestnut brown.

It's a little slick, wonder where I put my scalp rosin.

- Hi, Sam.

- Oh hi, Hank.

- How are things to... Don't move, Sam.

- Hank, what are ya...

- No, Sam, back off, I'll handle this.

- Whaddya think you're doing?

- Won't have to be afraid of him anymore.

Or is it a her?

No, I don't think caterpillars have any sex,

guess it wouldn't be much fun

to be a caterpillar, huh?

- You stupid, that's my new toupee.

See?

- Tell you the truth, Sam, probably look

better on the caterpillar.

- This is real hair.

It's the best toupee money can buy.

- It is?

Let me see that.

- Let go of that, will ya?

- Don't worry, Sam, I can...

- Right in the pickle barrel!

You dumb, idiot,

I never saw anybody who would do a,

get out of my way, will ya?

Look at that, it's green!

- Yeah, good toupee shouldn't do that.

Looks like you got stuck with a lemon.

No, looks more like a lime.

- You miserable... - Hi fellas.

- Oh hi, Fred.

- Sam, you been fishing?

- No.

- Where'd you get that seaweed?

- That ain't seaweed, it's my new toupee.

- Oh, you got one in green, huh?

Well, weirder things than that have caught on.

- It's green because it fell in a pickle barrel,

it's ruined!

- Well, maybe not.

Mrs. Douglas has this Hungarian cleaning fluid.

- He doesn't wanna clean a Hungarian,

he wants to clean his toupee.

- It's the greatest thing I ever saw.

Took a stain out of our rug that's been there for years.

- Wonder if Mrs. Douglas would lend me some?

- Oh, Mr. Drucker, come in, come in!

- Thank you.

- What can I do for you?

- Well, it's kinda personal.

- Oh?

Well my husband isn't home.

- Oh, well then maybe we better leave the door open.

- Why?

How personal is it?

- Oh, it's not that kind of personal.

- Why, Mr. Drucker, you are blushing!

- Well...

- Come on, come inside and sit down

and tell me all about it.

- Yeah, well you probably heard

that I don't have any hair.

- Yes, somebody told me that.

- Heck, a lotta people say I'm bald.

- Well, you know how people talk.

- There are times when a fella

wants to look younger, so, well I bought this.

- There's nothing to be afraid of.

It's a toupee.

- Oh?

It's a pretty color.

It matches your eyes.

- Well it's not supposed to be this color.

You see it was chestnut brown,

but that stupid Hank Kimball threw it

in the pickle barrel, and well,

this is the way it came out.

- How can I help you?

- Fred Ziffel said you, "Had some kind of miracle

"cleaning fluid that might take the green out of this."

- Oh, you mean my Uncle Boris' schtuff!

- Your Uncle Boris?

- Yes, he invented it.

He's a genius, on my father's side.

He sent it to me.

- Sure is powerful looking.

- Well it will clean anything!

- Even this?

- I can't believe it.

Is that the same green thing

that was swimming around in the pickle barrel?

- It wasn't swimming.

- And all Mrs. Douglas did was dip it in this, huh?

- Yeah.

It didn't even shrink.

- Howdy fellers!

- Oh hello, Haney.

- Well, little early to be drinking, ain't it?

- That's not for drinking, that's cleaning fluid.

- Oh, I've seen this phony stuff before.

- Where?

- There.

- This ain't phony, this is the greatest

cleaning fluid I ever saw.

- Yeah, took the big stains out of Mr. Douglas'

sport coat, and the spots out of Fred's rug,

and it de-greened Sam's toupee.

- I never heard of nothing that'll clean a toupee.

- No?

Watch this.

- Hey!

- Hank, what did ya...

Look at that.

- It's no worse than it was before,

maybe a little more slimy.

- Oh, you... - Hey, just dip it

in the cleaning solution!

- Nothing'll take that out.

- Would you like to make a little bet?

- Yeah, I'll wager two dollars.

- You're on.

Sam, put up your two dollars.

- I'm not betting.

- You owe Sam two dollars.

- Oh, well he didn't bet.

- Oh, then I guess I owe you the two dollars.

- You don't owe him anything.

- Well it looks like it's gonna be

a very spotty day, so I'll take a bottle of that stuff.

- You can't buy it, Mrs. Douglas uncle

makes it, and she gave me this sample.

- Oh, I suppose he has it patented.

- I don't know.

- How could he?

He lives in Hungary.

- Oh!

In that case, I'll be running along.

- Oh hello there, Mr. Haney!

- Mrs. Douglas if you don't look

as pretty as a hummingbird perched

on a peck of peaches.

- Thank you.

Oh, you better put those flowers

in some water, they look a little sick.

- That's cause I found em in a hospital room.

They're for you.

- Thank you.

Mr. Haney, you have a big schpot on your coat.

- I do?

Well how did that get there?

I don't suppose you would have anything

that would clean it?

- As a matter of fact, I have a wonderful

cleaning fluid that would take it out in a minute!

- Oh, well now, I don't wanna put you

in any trouble, why don't you

just give me the formuler, and I'll

have it made up, and then I'll clean it myself.

- Well I don't have the formula.

- Oh, who does?

- My Uncle Boris.

- Uh, well where could I get in touch with him?

- Well he lives in Budapest, but he disappeared,

and I don't know where he is now.

- Hey, I didn't realize it was so late.

I'll tell ya, if you don't mind,

I'll just take a small sample of the fluid,

and then I'll de-spot myself at home.

- Mr. Haney gave you those?

- Yes, aren't they beautiful?

- They weren't even beautiful

when they were alive.

- But anyway, it was very nice of Mr. Haney.

- If he gave you something for nothing,

there must have been a reason,

now what was he after?

- Nothing, all he wanted was to get the schpot

out of his coat.

- Oh.

- He didn't even want to bother me

to use the cleaning fluid, he just wanted me

to give him the formula, and he'll take it from there.

- The formula?

- I didn't have it, so I made him

take a sample of the cleaning fluid.

- You made him...

Lisa, you know what he's going to do with that?

- He's going to take his schpots out.

- He's going to steal the formula!

He'll take it to a chemist, have it analyzed!

- Mr. Haney wouldn't do a thing like that.

- Why can't you analyze it now?

- I'm a pharmacist, not a chemist.

- What's the difference?

Burt, I've got to have this.

- I can't do it now, this is my busiest time of the year,

the virus season.

- Hey, maybe I could make up the prescriptions

for you, while you're working on this.

- Haney, just put it down.

I'll get to it as fast as I can.

- Hank, you've been hanging around here all day,

aren't you supposed to go to your office?

- I can't, I lost the key.

- Can't you climb in the window?

- No, I lost the ladder.

- Oh, of all the... - Hello, Mr. Drucker!

- Ah Mr. Wilkins, nice to see you again!

This is Hank Kimball, our county agent.

- How do ya do?

- How do I do what?

- Still representing Household Chemical Company?

- No, I'm with the Department of Agriculture.

- Hank, sit down and be quiet.

- I have a whole new line of household chemicals

that I think you'll be interested in.

Here's a great new mosquito repellent.

- Oh no, I don't need any of that,

I still have 22 bottles of citronella left.

- Hey Sam, this is pretty good stuff,

it contains paramenthol hydroformate.

- What's that?

- Citronella.

- What's this stuff?

- That's a new dry cleaning fluid we're featuring.

Guaranteed to clean practically anything.

- Oh yeah?

We'll see.

Hank, don't!

Oh, for the love of Mike.

- Let's see you clean that.

- I'm afraid nothing would clean that.

Show him, Sam.

- That's amazing.

Where did you get it?

- Mrs. Douglas gave it to me.

- Yeah, her uncle invented it.

- Do you happen to know what's in it?

- Three parts horseradish, two parts paprika,

a trace of garlic, water, a boiled potato, and...

- That don't sound like no cleaning fluid to me.

- It isn't, it's cabbage soup.

- Cabbage soup?

- Yeah, the main ingredient is shredded cabbage.

- Would this stuff take out stains?

- No, the only thing it's good for

is giving you heartburn.

- My company would be interested

if this cleaning fluid is half as good

as everybody says it is.

- Normally, I'd be skeptical of anything

my wife's uncle came up with,

but this really works.

- Well I saw what it did for Mr. Drucker's toupee,

but does it take the stains out of fabrics?

- Would you believe this jacket

had two big oil spots on the sleeve here?

- Oil?

That's hard to believe.

- Would you believe ketchup?

Ketchup?

Oh!

- Lisa!

- Mrs. Douglas, this is a very expensive suit!

- Don't worry!

How about a little muschturd?

- Lisa, you're...

- Coffee's very hard to get out.

Don't worry, I'll get it out in schpiffy.

All I have to do is, uh-oh.

I used up all the cleaning fluid.

Don't worry, Mr. Drucker has some.

- I'm sorry Mrs. Douglas, I used it all up

cleaning my toupee.

- Oh?

Why that's alright, I gave some to Mr. Ziffel.

- No, I'm sorry, Mrs. Douglas,

I used most of it on the rug.

The rest of it I used to get the chop suey

stains out of Doris' forma.

- That's alright, Mr. Haney has some.

Mr. Drucker and Mr. Ziffel didn't have any more left,

and I called Mr. Haney, but he was out.

- What am I going to do now?

- Well, I could send to Hungary

and try to get another bottle.

- Mrs. Douglas, I have a lot of calls to make,

and this is the only suit I have with me.

- Look, Mr. Wilkins, if you'll take it off,

I'll drive into Pixley and have it

dry cleaned, right away.

- Oh well I don't have any bathrobe or anything.

- Oh I've got a bathrobe.

Come on, you can change in the bedroom.

Go on in there.

- Hello there, Mr. Haney.

What can I do for you?

- You can give me $73.

- What for?

- That's what it cost to have that Hungarian

cleaning fluid analyzed, as you suggested.

- I didn't suggest it!

- Well somebody did.

You know what that so called cleaning fluid

turned out to be?

Cabbage soup!

- Cabbage soup?

No, it was cleaning fluid.

- Not according to the $79 analysisis.

- I thought it was 73.

- Well, the other $6 was for the bouquet of flowers

that I gave you.

- Well, why don't you talk to Mr. Douglas about it?

- Why don't we settle for $16,

and just leave him out of it?

- Mr. Haney, I'm not going to give you any money.

- Then you'll hear from my solicitators in the morning!

- Oh, was that Mr. Douglas?

- No, it was Mr. Haney.

- Well he's been gone almost two hours.

When will he get back?

- I don't know, but it's too bad he went!

I could have made some more of that cleaning fluid,

and taken the schpots out for you.

- You know how to make it?

- I know now!

Do you know what it is?

- What?

- Cabbage soup!

- Cabbage soup.

- You see, my Uncle Boris always used my Aunt Sophie's

cooking for his invention.

He said he, "Couldn't eat her cooking,

"so he might as well use it for something."

- That's very...

- Now I've taken my Aunt Sophie's beef borscht,

Uncle Boris sold that to take the rust out of pipes.

- Rust out of...

- I should have known the cleaning fluid

was from something to eat.

Cabbage soup, I have my Aunt Sophie's recipe here somewhere.

Do you want to help me make it?

- No, I think I'll just go back in

and see a little more television.

- Sorry Mr. Douglas, I... Who are you?

- My name is Wilkins.

- May I ask what you're doing in the master's bathrobe,

lying in the master's bed, and what have you

done with the master's mistress?

- I haven't.

- Where is the master?

- Well he's up at Pixley for a couple of hours.

- And you thought you'd sneak in and take over?

- No, I... - You cad!

- You don't understand.

- Oh no?

I've seen enough of those X-rated movies

to know what's going on around here.

Well you're not gonna break up this marriage,

no matter how unhappy the participants are!

- Now look... - Out!

- Now see here... - Outta here!

And if I ever catch you around here again,

I'll thrash you within an inch of your life!

- Where is Mr. Wilkins?

- The less said about him, the better.

- Did you get Mr. Wilkins' suit clean?

- No, the dry cleaner was afraid to touch it,

he said he, "Couldn't touch the spots

"without ruining it."

- Good!

I'll clean it!

- How?

- In the cabbage soup.

What are you doing?

- Cleaning Mr. Wilkins' suit!

- In the cabbage soup?

- That's the formula for the cleaning fluid.

- Lisa, what are you...

- Aunt Sophie made cabbage soup

and Uncle Boris sold it for cleaning fluid.

- I'm gonna have to buy Mr. Wilkins a new suit!

- He is not here, he left.

- I wonder where he could have gone?

- Alright, why were you wandering

around the countryside in your bathrobe?

- I told you, because Mr. Douglas

took my suit to be dry cleaned.

- Why would he do that?

- I went out to the Douglas farm

to see about this miracle cleaning fluid.

And you drank some?

- I didn't drink anything.

- Okay, then what?

- Mrs. Douglas squirted ketchup on me,

then smeared my suit with mustard,

poured coffee on me, then when she went

to find the cleaning fluid, there wasn't any left.

- Because you drank it all.

No!

- Then why were you wandering around in a bathrobe?

- Because this kid found me lying on the master's bed,

accused me of hanky-pankying, and threw me out!

- Would you mind walking this line?

- Sheriff, I am as sober as you are.

Now why don't we go out to the Douglas place

and you can corroborate my story?

- Just walk the line.

- The story Mr. Wilkins told you was true.

- Certainly sounded as if he was...

- Now I don't blame you for thinking

he was a little.

- Mr. Douglas, did you get my suit back from the cleaners?

- They wouldn't touch it.

- But I cleaned it in the cabbage soup!

- Did she say cabbage soup?

- Yeah, but it's really cleaning fluid,

but you make it like cabbage soup,

or you make the cabbage soup like the cleaning fluid.

You see, once she gets started with this...

- Take a look at this, Mr. Wilkins.

- I don't believe it, it's like new!

- My Uncle Boris might be interested

in making a deal with your company for the formula,

if I can find him.

- The only thing I'm interested in right now

is getting dressed and getting out of here.

- And I better get back to my office.

- Oh yes, say, I'm sorry for the inconvenience, Sheriff.

Thank you very much for coming.

Lisa, from now on... - Let go of me!

- Mr. Douglas, I hate to tell you this,

but I found this guy in your bedroom

putting his pants on!

- Lisa, you need anything from Drucker's?

- Let me just see, I...

You're not going to the schtore

with that hole in your coat, are you?

- What hole, oh!

That's the place where the oil spot

was that you cleaned with that junk!

- Junk?

It worked fine, the schpot isn't there.

- The hole is, that cleaning fluid is...

- You know Oliver, I read that's the same schtuff

my Uncle Boris used during the war

to burn holes in the tanks.

- Do you realize you gave that stuff

to practically everybody in town?

- Oh, I don't think it will do any damage.

- Dory, what are you doing down there?

- I fell through the floor!

- I told you you been putting on weight.

- Drum it, this is the place

I cleaned the rug!

Sam?

Sam?

- Whaddya want now?

- You better let me put your head out.

- What?

- It's smoking.

Well not smoking, more of a forest fire.

Or it was.

Boy, I'm never gonna eat any of your pickles.

That juice is murder.

- It was really remarkable, it took spots

out of my suit that you wouldn't believe.

Yes, I definitely think the company

ought to investigate it.

Yes, I'll go back to the Douglas'

and get some kind of option on the formula.

Okay, bye.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.