Original subtitles

Oliver!

- I'm up here.

- What are you doing up there?

- Fixing the roof.

Boards are all rotten.

- Just like the rest of the house.

- It'll be as good as new when I finish.

- That's what you said when you fixed the bathroom plumbing,

just before the flood.

- Well, the plumbing was rotten, too.

- Just like the rest of the house.

- Will you stop saying that?

And where's Eb?

- He had a date with Darlene.

- He was supposed to help me.

Oh!

Honey, will you throw the hammer up?

- Yes, sir!

- Ooh!

- Is there anything else you want me to toss up?

- Yes, the first aid kit.

- Mrs. Douglas, guess what?

Darlene and me are gonna be nuptialated!

- That's wonderful.

- We set the date.

Just think: two weeks from today,

I'll be a bride... - Aah!

- Oh, there you are, Dad!

Did you hear the big news?

- Oh, you...

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out, so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

When is lunch gonna be ready?

- It's in the oven.

It will be ready in a minute.

- What are you cooking?

- Oh Oliver, isn't it wonderful?

Our boy's getting married!

- He's not our boy.

- Just think: two weeks from today,

we'll be mothers and fathers in law.

- Yeah, fine.

How long is that going to...

- I am not going to be one of those mother-in-laws

who interferes.

Whatever they want to do, it's alright with me.

- Good.

Look, I'm hungry.

How about the... - I'm wondering

where they're going to live.

- Well, Eb said he saw a little apartment in Pixley.

- A house in Hooterville will be better.

- Don't you think that's up to Darlene and Eb?

- They're children.

What do they know compared to a mother-in-law?

- Lisa, you said you weren't going to interfere.

- That's not interfering.

What you mother does, that's interfering.

- Well, how about my lunch?

- It didn't beep yet.

- Beep?

- Yes, you see... - Hi!

- Well, if it isn't the happy bridegroom!

- Yeah.

Just think: two weeks from today,

I'll be a married man!

- Will you stop doing that?

- Is lunch ready?

- Not quite.

- Oh, it hasn't beeped yet.

- Beeped? What does that mean?

- Well, I can't wait for lunch.

I got a whole list of things I gotta do this afternoon.

- How about doing some work?

- No, that's not on the list.

Darlene and I have to get a marriage license,

health certificate, find a place to hold the wedding,

and we have to go shopping.

- For what?

- Well, Darlene has to pick out her bridal gown,

and I have to get my groomal suit!

- Your groomal suit?

- What was this I heard about you moving to Pixley?

- We decided against that.

Pixley's too far away.

- Not for me it isn't.

- Where are you going to live, Eb?

- Right here with you and Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

That will be nice and close.

- Hold it, hold it.

They are not moving in here.

Why not?

- It's a mistake for newlyweds

to move in with their in-laws.

- You didn't say that when you moved in

with my folks for two years.

- It was two days.

- Well, Father always said having you around

seemed like two years.

- Let me tell you about your father.

- Uh-oh.

I can see the clouds of war gathering.

I better pick up Darlene.

- Now what was that nasty

you were working on about my father?

- Can I have some lunch?

- But it isn't ready yet.

You have to wait...

It's ready.

I'm coming!

- What the...

- Here you are: one polarized chicken.

- Polarized chicken?

- Yes, it beeps when it's ready.

- Of all the... - It's been so successful,

I hear they're coming out with a camera like it.

- Mr. Drucker.

Mr. Drucker!

- Oh, hi folks!

I was just cooking some lunch.

You et yet?

- Yes, we et.

- Ate.

- Well, he asked if we et,

so I couldn't have said to him we ate.

- Yeah.

Mr. Drucker, we...

- Have you heard about Eb and Darlene?

- Oh, yeah.

Eb asked me to justice of the peace them.

- Yeah, fine.

Well, we need some...

- Got my justice coat all ready.

Haven't used it for over two years.

Mr. Drucker, watch...

- The marriage business sure has fallen off around here

since they opened that wedding chapel at the drive-in movie.

- They have a wedding chapel in a drive-in movie?

- Oh, you know how folks are today.

They hate to get out of their cars.

- That's ridiculous.

- I don't think so.

It's better than watching some of those movies they show.

- Mr. Drucker, can we get...

- I'll be doggone.

You know what this is?

A piece of wedding cake from my last ceremony.

That was from the time that Barney Owens

almost married that go-go dancer from Stankwell Falls.

- What do you mean, "almost"?

- I was up to the part when I say,

if anyone here objects to this marriage,

they should speak now or forever hold their peace,

and some loudmouth spoke up and ruined the wedding.

- Who did that?

- Barney's wife.

- Oh.

Look, Mr. Drucker, could we get some...

- Oh, by the way, have you picked out a wedding present

for Eb and Darlene?

- I thought we'd get them a 120-piece solid gold dinner set.

- 120... - Have you got one in stock?

- No, I sold the last one Tuesday.

- Who would buy a...

- I do have something that would make a great gift for them.

These are the latest thing:

a set of his and hers bathrobes.

This is a his.

And this is a...

Guess I'm all out of hers.

How about a set of his and his?

- No, no, no.

Could we please get what we...

- Oh, my lunch is ready.

I'm cooking a polarized duck.

You see, it beeps when...

- Yeah, I know, I know.

Goodbye, Mr. Drucker. - Bye!

- Hasn't Eb come back yet?

We're all waiting on... - What do you think

about the chinchilla bedspread?

- What?

- For a wedding present for Eb and Darlene?

It's on sale for only $3,600.

- I'm not spending $3,600 for...

- Would you go for $2,800?

They have this mink sheets.

- Forget it!

- Well, then what are going to get them?

- The his and his bathrobes sound good to me.

- Like my father always said,

you sure are tight with a buck.

- Your father never said anything like it.

- Hi!

- Well, you finally got here.

It's about time.

- Did you miss me, Dad?

- Will you stop calling...

- Listen, we got everything on our list done,

except a place to get married.

- Come on, let's get to work.

- Yes, sir.

What do we have to do?

- We gotta fix this roof.

- Why do I have to do that?

You're the one that fell through it!

- Get started, will you?

No, we've got...

- Well, how does that grab your ecology?

- Mr. Haney, I'm busy.

- That's right, you go right ahead.

I'm here to see the young groomal.

- There's no such thing as a...

- May I congratulate you on your upcoming wedlockery?

- Thanks!

- And may I present you...

With this free gift?

This magnificent matched bookend.

- Golly, thanks!

- What are you thanking him for?

He gave you one crummy bookend!

- Oh, if he wants the complete set...

He can have this other one for the small sum of $35.

- Those things aren't worth $2!

- Mr. Douglas, these are genuine Siamese catfish.

- Siamese catfish.

- Still in their pussy stage.

- Mr. Haney, I said we're busy.

- Well, then I won't keep you.

Eb, have you decided where you're gonna hold the wedding?

- Not yet.

- Then how fortui-tui-tuitous it is

that I stopped by.

- That remains to be seen.

- I have the ideal spot for a wedding.

Not only will you get the service free,

but you'll also receive $50 in cash,

$25 in pots and pans,

and free photographs of the entire event.

- Golly!

That sounds super keen!

- Then we have a deal?

- Yes sir, I... - Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Don't you wanna know a little more about it?

- Who cares, as long as we get all that free stuff?

- Where is this ideal wedding spot?

- Do you know the Tidy Bright Carwash in Pixley?

- Yes.

- That's it.

- You expect them to get married in a carwash?

- It's to promote cleanliness in marriage.

- Boy, that sounds real funky!

- Eb, you can't be serious...

- I'll go and make all the arrangements.

- Look, Mr. Haney...

Eb, you gotta be out of your mind!

- Why?

It's a great deal.

Wait 'til I tell Darlene!

- Eb, you're not serious.

- What's wrong with getting married in a carwash?

Except for the fact that we haven't got a car.

But we could borrow one.

- No thanks!

- But Darlene, this is a great deal,

with all those free gifts.

- No.

- I'm willing to split 'em with you.

I'll take the $50 in cash,

and you can have the $25 in pots and pans.

- Absolutely not.

I want a nice, dignified church wedding.

- What kind of a deal will the church give us?

- Why do we have to have a deal?

- Because it's the American way!

- Eb, I don't want to discuss it any further.

The carwash is out.

- Well, I'll give into you this time.

But don't mistake this for weakness on my part!

From now on, I'm gonna be the boss.

- It's okay with me.

Why don't we kiss and make up?

- I'll decide when we kiss and make up.

- Well?

- I guess now is as good a time as any.

- Get your clammy mitts off my daughter!

- I was just kissing her!

- What are you, some kind of animal?

- But Daddy, we're going to be married.

- I wish you'd stop saying that.

It gives me heartburn.

- Mr. Wheeler, I just...

- What are you doing over here,

mauling my daughter in the middle of the day?

Why aren't you working?

- Mr. Douglas gave me the afternoon off!

- Well, that sounds like something a radical would do.

- But Daddy, Mr. Douglas isn't...

- Get in the house!

- Okay.

- Not you.

I don't want to see you 'til the wedding.

And if you don't show up, then that's okay, too.

Come on, sweetheart.

- Ooh, you stupid!

- What did I do now?

- No, not you.

I can't get this post back in place.

Where's Eb?

- He went over to see Mr. Haney.

- What for?

- To cancel the carwash.

Darlene didn't like the idea.

- I'm glad one of them's got some sense.

You miserable!

- Who are you talking to now?

- I can't get the thing straight.

- Well, if you hit it where the knots hole is, you could.

- What knots hole?

- Right there.

In Hungary they have a saying:

if you hit something where the knots hole is,

everything would straighten out.

- Lisa, those Hungarian sayings are a bunch...

- Hello! - Hello there, Mr. Kimball.

- Hi.

- I just came over to... To...

Oh, tearing down your roof, huh?

- No, I'm not.

I'm trying to straighten the post.

- Well, why don't you hit it where the knots hole is?

- Mr. Kimball...

- In Sweden they have a saying.

No, it's not Sweden, it's... - Hungary?

- No, I just had lunch.

- Ooh, you dirty!

- Say, I just heard about Eb and Darlene.

- Yes, isn't it wonderful?

- Yeah, it sure is.

Imagine, both of them getting a job at the same carwash.

- No, they were supposed to get married there.

- Who was supposed to get married there?

- Eb and Darlene.

- Oh.

Well, if they're gonna get married,

I'll guess she'll have to give up her job

at the carwash, huh?

- I never thought of that.

- Oh, boy...

- Well, I guess I better be running along.

- Good.

- Well goodbye, Mr. Douglas.

- Goodbye.

- Say, do you have any idea what kind of a wedding present

I can get for Ned and Marlene?

- Who are they?

- He means Eb and Darlene.

- Who are they?

- They're the carwash couple.

- How about a set of his and hers rubber boots?

- Why didn't I think of that?

- Mr. Kimball, I will give you 10 seconds

to get out of here,

and if you wanna take her with you,

I'll give you an extra five seconds.

- That's very sporting of ya,

but I was gonna leave anyway.

I got a very busy afternoon ahead of me.

I have to...

What do I have to do again?

Oh yeah.

Get my car washed.

Bye!

- Bye, Mr. Kimball.

You don't want to try the knots hole hit?

- Why don't you just go inside

and practice old Hungarian sayings?

- Alright, I will.

- Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas!

- You nearly ran me over!

- Mr. Douglas!

Oh, you're out here.

- Yes, certainly I'm out here.

- Sorry.

I just want to tell you the good news.

We're not getting married in the car wash.

Mr. Haney got us a much better deal.

We get two rooms of furniture, all our kitchen appliances,

and a color TV.

- What do you have to do for all that?

- Nothing.

We just have to get married in the window

of the Pixley Emporium.

- In the window... - Yeah, they're gonna use us

to promote their summer clearance sale.

It's gonna be on TV.

- What did Darlene say about that?

- I haven't told her yet.

- Don't you think you ought to?

- Why?

- She may not want to get married in a store window.

- Well, then she can stay home

and watch me get married on TV!

No, I guess that wouldn't work.

I guess I better tell her.

- Oh, hi.

- Well, if it isn't the Discount Kid.

- What?

- Boy, what some people won't do

to get something for nothing.

- I don't know what you're talking...

- Oliver!

Oh, hello there Mr. Wheeler.

It's so nice to see you again.

- It's nice to see you, Mrs. Douglas.

I can't say the same for your deadbeat husband.

- What did the deadbeat do now?

- Well, he arranged to have my daughter get married

in a department store window.

- You didn't tell me you did that.

- I didn't!

- Eb said you forced him to do it

so he'd get the furniture free

and you wouldn't have to buy him any.

- I never... - And that carwash deal

you drummed up, that was a lulu, too.

- Oh, now look...

- I suppose the wedding ceremony ain't sacred to you.

Anybody who would get married in a laundromat.

- When did you get married in a laundry mat?

- I never got married... - Eb told me.

He said they gave you a year's supply of detergent.

- That's an outright lie.

- Who did you give the detergent to?

- Look, no more Mickey Mouse wedding plans.

Tell your kid the wedding's gonna be in a church,

or there won't be any at all.

Now goodbye!

And goodbye to you, Mrs. Douglas.

It's always a pleasure to see you.

- And it is always a pleasure to see you, Mr. Wheeler.

- Thank you.

- Oh, he's such a nice man.

- What do you mean,

the Emporium won't let you out of the deal?

- I signed a contract.

- You signed a contract?

- He sure did.

- Do you want some cream?

- No, no thank you.

- He's got to go through with the window wedding.

- No, he doesn't.

- Would you like to have some sugar?

- No, no thank you.

Look, Eb.

Don't let Mr. Haney shake you up.

Just forget the whole thing.

- Including the $100?

- What $100?

- Well, that's what the Emporium advanced him

to seal the deal.

- Give it back.

- I can't.

I already spent it for a mohair marryin' suit.

- Of all the...

- You always take your coffee with cream and sugar.

- Yes, I know I do.

Look, Eb.

I'll lend you the 100.

- Will you lend him the 150,000, too?

- Of course he will!

- I will not.

- Boy!

When you drink your coffee black,

you're impossible to get along with.

- What's the 150,000 for?

- That's what the Emporium's gonna sue me for

if I breach my contract.

- They've outlayed a lot of money,

buying TV time, redirecting the store window,

sending out announcements to the press.

And they're asking damages for all that,

which is obtuse of my commission.

- Your commission?

- Don't you think I'm entitled to get something

for public relation in this great idea?

- You certainly are,

and if you stick around much longer,

you'll get it!

- Mr. Douglas, as a lawyer

you know that if Eb doesn't go through with this wedding,

the Emporium has every right to e pluribus his unum.

- There's no such thing as e plur...

- Oliver, Oliver, you forgot your coffee.

- No, I don't want it.

- Well, then why did you put cream and sugar in it?

- I didn't put cream and...

- Save me, Mr. Douglas, save me!

- Oh, will you cut it out.

Look, Mr. Haney got you into this,

let him get you out of it.

- Well, now there is a way out.

The contract calls for a wedding,

but it don't specify who's to be married,

as long as they're man and woman.

Now if we could find a substitute couple.

- Don't look any further.

Here we are.

- What?

- Oh, thank you, Dad, thank you!

- Cut it out!

- But Oliver... - No!

- Why not?

- For one thing, we're already married.

- But getting married is good for you.

It's like getting a vaccination.

You need a booster shot every few years.

- I don't need a booster shot.

- You mean you're gonna let them sue me

and send me to jail?

- Yes, I will. - Oh, no.

No, he wouldn't.

Then you will marry me.

- I'll inform the Emporium that the second team

is coming in.

- Good.

- Did it start yet?

- I just turned the television on.

Why are you all dressed up?

- I can't go to my mom and dad's wedding in my old clothes.

This is WPIXL-TV, the voice of Pixley.

Stay tuned for the Emporium Wedding Special,

which follows immediately.

- We could have been getting married on TV

if you hadn't of been so fussy!

- Eb!

- Good morning, ladies and gentleman,

and welcome to the main window

of the Pixley Emporium,

where in a few moments we'll bring you the wedding

of Oliver and Lisa Douglas.

Mrs. Watkins is seated at the keyboard

of the Clagwell organ,

which runs on ordinary cooking gas.

As a wedding special,

the Emporium will be selling the Clagwell organ at 20% off.

I'm sure you'd all like to have

one of these fine instruments in your home.

Not only can you play music on it,

but by pressing the proper keys,

you can also hear your favorite sound effects,

such as bird calls.

Train effects.

Or the ever popular Battle of the Bulge.

- Golly, we could have had one of those for nothing

if we'd gotten married in the window!

- And now I see we're ready to start,

as Sam Drucker, the genial justice of the peace

from Hooterville, takes his place

in front of the Johnson patented altar.

This two-purpose altar is another Emporium wedding special.

It's made out of genuine wood,

and can be converted into a kitchen table

by simply pressing a concealed button.

- Boy, there's another kino thing we could have had!

- Eb!

- Now here comes the bride.

Her silk gown is being featured

in the Emporium wedding salon.

It comes equipped with a veil

and a long train.

And now here comes the groom.

Here comes the groom!

Mr. Douglas is wearing our wedding special,

which may be purchased for 25% off

in the Emporium men's clothing department.

- Oliver, model it for them.

- Oh, for...

- This suit is made out of a new miracle fiber,

polyacrylium,

which was used for years to make racing tires.

- Look, let's get this over with.

- That's what you say every time we get married.

- Mr. Drucker, please.

- Oh!

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to...

- Wow, here we are, another wedding night.

- Lisa, if you don't mind, I'd like to go to sleep.

- That's what you say every time we get married.

- We didn't really get married.

We didn't even have a license.

- That's what you say every time we get married.

- Look, we were married once.

That fiasco today was just to help Eb out.

- Well, that was very sweet of you,

and to give them all the furniture.

- Yeah, they're welcome to it, honey.

Now goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- What is that?

- Eb is taking his organ lesson.

- Now, how do I play the Battle of the Bulge?

- Well, you just press this button here.

- Okay.

- Where are you going?

- To dig a foxhole.

Goodnight!

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.