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00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,618
- I'll only be gone
for the afternoon!
2
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:11,521
- You're supposed
to work this afternoon.
3
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:14,724
- I'm supposed to meet
Darlene, my financee.
4
00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:18,028
- They're going furniture
shopping for their first home.
5
00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:20,030
- Aren't they being
a little previous?
6
00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:22,232
- What's wrong with previous?
7
00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:23,566
- They haven't got a house!
8
00:00:23,590 --> 00:00:24,968
Haven't even set a
date for the wedding yet,
9
00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:26,936
what do they need
to buy furniture for?
10
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,207
- Because the Pixley Imporium's
having a big sale this week.
11
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:31,841
Mister Douglas,
I got one of those
12
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:34,077
man to man questions to ask you.
13
00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:35,412
- Do you want me to leave?
14
00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:36,613
- Oh, no no no.
15
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,848
I'll always think of
you as one of the boys.
16
00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:43,053
What's the question?
17
00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:47,257
- Well, I'd like to...
well it's about...
18
00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:49,226
Maybe it would be better
if Missus Douglas left.
19
00:00:50,817 --> 00:00:52,962
- What's the question?
20
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:55,565
- Well, since Darlene
and I aren't married yet,
21
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,367
when we look at
the bedroom stuff,
22
00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,936
is it alright if we both
look at the bed together?
23
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:04,707
- I think, to keep things
on a high moral plane,
24
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:08,378
that it would be better when,
when you look at the bed,
25
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,713
Darlene looks at the dresser.
26
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:14,451
And when Darlene looks at
the bed, you look at the dresser.
27
00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:18,721
- Golly, I can hardly
wait till we are married,
28
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,590
and we can both look
at the dresser together!
29
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:41,844
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
30
00:01:41,868 --> 00:01:45,782
♪ Farm living is the life for me
31
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:49,852
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
32
00:01:49,876 --> 00:01:53,923
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside
33
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:57,827
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
34
00:01:57,851 --> 00:02:01,764
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
35
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:05,835
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
36
00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:10,028
♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
37
00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:17,180
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
38
00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:20,016
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
39
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,784
♪ Goodbye city life
40
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:25,410
♪ Green Acres we are there
41
00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:41,171
- Hey, I thought
you went to Pixley.
42
00:02:41,195 --> 00:02:42,939
What are you doing back so soon?
43
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:44,374
- None of your business!
44
00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:49,034
- What did he say?
45
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,816
Now look here, Eb.
46
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,341
Eb?
47
00:03:00,181 --> 00:03:01,491
How did you get out there?
48
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,360
- None of your business!
49
00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:06,252
- Eb! Eb?
50
00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:10,556
Eb, I won't ha... Eb! Eb!
51
00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:14,638
Yes, sir?
52
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:15,772
- How did you get in there?
53
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,207
- Well, Mister Douglas, you must
54
00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:19,176
feel pretty proud of yourself.
55
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,144
How could you do a
thing like this to me?
56
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:23,012
- What have I done to you?
57
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,181
- None of your business.
58
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:29,874
- Now look here, I won't have
you talking to me that way.
59
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:35,292
- Do you know what it
costs to furnish a home?
60
00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:37,460
- How did you get in here again?
61
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:38,828
- That's all you're
interested in,
62
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,330
how I get in and out of here.
63
00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:41,794
You're not interested
in my problems.
64
00:03:42,989 --> 00:03:44,701
- All right, what
is your problem?
65
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,503
- If I tell you, will you
give me the raise?
66
00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:47,404
- No.
67
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,639
- Then I won't tell you.
68
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,274
- Won't tell you what?
69
00:03:51,298 --> 00:03:52,842
- Why I should give him a raise.
70
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,777
- If I don't get more
money, I can't get married.
71
00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:55,612
- Aw.
72
00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:57,469
- That's your problem.
73
00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:04,354
- Do you realize how much it
costs to furnish a home today?
74
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:06,923
- How did you two...
- Or buy a car or food?
75
00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:08,592
Prices have gone sky high.
76
00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:11,294
- That's right, we're living
in a period of deflation.
77
00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:13,630
- Inflation.
78
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:16,399
- I knew it was
some kind of flation.
79
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,067
- There's no such word.
80
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,969
- I'm being flationed
right out of my marriage.
81
00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:23,106
- Well you're learning
the economic facts of life.
82
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:25,141
- Are those like the
other facts of life?
83
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:27,677
- No.
84
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,421
- Then why does he
have to learn about them?
85
00:04:30,337 --> 00:04:31,715
- Ah, look, Eb.
86
00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:34,484
Ah, when you first
mentioned marriage to me,
87
00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:35,918
what did I tell you?
88
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,153
- You told me that
marriage was like
89
00:04:37,177 --> 00:04:39,021
living in a concentration camp.
90
00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:39,856
- Well.
91
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,391
- I never said that!
92
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:42,359
- Yes you did!
93
00:04:42,383 --> 00:04:43,826
- When?
94
00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:45,094
- Right after you said
"if you're getting married
95
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,430
"for companionship, save
your money, buy a dog."
96
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,431
- Well!
97
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:49,899
- Lisa, I never!
98
00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:51,701
- But the one thing I remember
the best that you told me,
99
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:52,935
is that getting
married is like having
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00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,971
a car door slammed on your hand.
101
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:57,507
By the time the pain goes
away, you've sold the car.
102
00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:59,542
Bah!
103
00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:01,911
- Eb, all I ever told
you about marriage
104
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:03,647
is that it's expensive.
105
00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:07,016
You've got to buy food
for two, clothing for two.
106
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,752
Everything goes double.
107
00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:10,320
- There's an easy
solution to that.
108
00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:11,344
Double my pay!
109
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:13,990
- Eb, I pay you more
than anybody else
110
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,359
in this valley pays
his hired hand.
111
00:05:16,383 --> 00:05:19,329
- Then it's true what they
say, this is a depressed area.
112
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,499
- You never told me that.
113
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:24,100
- Do I get the raise?
114
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:27,570
- I'm sorry, Eb, I can't
afford to double your pay.
115
00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:30,507
- Then I guess I'll have
to break my engagement.
116
00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:33,109
- Look, Eb, maybe you're
in the wrong business.
117
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:36,245
Why don't you think of another
profession that pays more?
118
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:38,281
- All I know is farming.
119
00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:40,383
- Well, then study something.
120
00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:42,719
- You mean give up my
job and go back to school?
121
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:45,154
- No, take a
correspondence course.
122
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,190
You can work days
and study nights.
123
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:48,792
- Well, how would he sleep?
124
00:05:48,816 --> 00:05:51,628
- Same as he does
now, on the job.
125
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:55,498
- Those correspondence
schools cost money.
126
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:56,733
- Oh look, I'll pay for it.
127
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,435
You find something
you'd like to study
128
00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:00,236
and we'll discuss it further.
129
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:01,805
- Thank you, thank you!
130
00:06:01,829 --> 00:06:03,940
- Oh cuss, Eb,
cut that out, ya...
131
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:05,208
- Yes sir.
132
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:07,544
Boy, wait till I tell
Darlene the good news.
133
00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,412
- Oh, that kid.
134
00:06:09,436 --> 00:06:12,014
- Well, it's very sweet
of you to help him.
135
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,350
- Well...
- Now let's get back
136
00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:16,753
to all the nasty thing
you said about marriage!
137
00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:18,955
- Look, Lisa, I never
said any of those things.
138
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:21,658
All I ever said to
him was that I hoped
139
00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:25,562
he'd be as happy in his
marriage as we are in ours.
140
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:28,097
- Well, that was a
lovely thing to say.
141
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:29,332
- Yeah.
142
00:06:29,356 --> 00:06:30,800
I figured as long
as you're gonna live
143
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:33,870
in a concentration camp,
you might as well enjoy it.
144
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:49,552
- Oliver, did you see the...
145
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:51,454
- Uh, did anybody lose this?
146
00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:54,290
- Oh, that belongs
to Mister Douglas!
147
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:56,047
- Ooh, there you are!
148
00:06:58,485 --> 00:07:02,265
- Eb, what would you like
to have for your breakfast?
149
00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:03,966
- Can I have a
hotcake on a stick, too?
150
00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:06,636
- Of course, as soon
as Mister Douglas
151
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:08,838
is through with his shtick.
152
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,540
- He can have this one.
153
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:13,242
Ah, try the stick,
that's the best part.
154
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,333
- I heard that.
155
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,216
- He's right, it
is the best part!
156
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:22,719
- Look, you're late.
157
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:23,909
- I overslept.
158
00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:27,189
I was up most of
the night, making out
159
00:07:27,213 --> 00:07:30,593
this list of profitable
professions to pursue.
160
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,128
- What did you put down, Eb?
161
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:34,531
- Well, in the order
of their profitability,
162
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,332
the first one is brain surgeon.
163
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,001
- Now that's a doozy.
164
00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:40,570
- Brain surgeons
are in big demand,
165
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:43,940
and you don't even have to be
a good one to make a fortune.
166
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:46,175
- You know, that
sounds very good.
167
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:48,934
Doctor Eb Dawson,
brain sturgeon.
168
00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:51,981
- Eb, do you
realize what it takes
169
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:54,250
to become a brain sturgeon?
170
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:57,253
- A sharp knife
and a steady hand.
171
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,656
- You have to go to
college, medical school,
172
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,459
you have to serve as an intern,
it could take you ten years!
173
00:08:02,483 --> 00:08:04,627
- In ten years, Darlene'll
be too old for me.
174
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:07,597
- What else have
you got down there?
175
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:10,467
- My number two
choice is rear admiral.
176
00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:12,201
- Uh, what's your next choice?
177
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:14,270
- Greek millionaire.
178
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:17,106
- You can't study to
be a Greek millionaire.
179
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,608
- They did in Hungary.
180
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:21,077
Well, they didn't exactly
teach you how to be one,
181
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,312
they taught you how to get one.
182
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:26,215
- Have you got anything
sensible on that list?
183
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:28,618
Dictator.
184
00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:30,587
Football star.
185
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:31,788
- I don't know what they teach
186
00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:33,389
in those correspondence schools.
187
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:35,124
- Well, one of them
had an ad in a magazine
188
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:37,159
that listed all the
courses they teach.
189
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:39,295
Ah, Lisa, did you
see that magazine
190
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:40,730
I was reading in
here last night?
191
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:41,754
- Oh, yes.
192
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:44,423
Here it is.
193
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,203
- Why did you put
it in the refrigerator?
194
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,606
- So I'd remember where it was!
195
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:52,441
- You know, it
wouldn't hurt if you
196
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:54,733
took some kind of a course.
197
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,380
Here, here we are.
198
00:08:57,404 --> 00:09:00,216
Clarkwell
Correspondence Institute.
199
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,351
Whole list of things
here you can study.
200
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,853
Architecture to zoology.
201
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:06,055
Now why don't you look at
it, see what appeals to you.
202
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:07,289
Mister Tucker, could you put
203
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:08,357
an air mail stamp
on that for me?
204
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:09,926
- I'll be glad to, I...
205
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,996
Clarkwell Correspondence
Institute, Chicago?
206
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:14,731
Well, that's my old alma mater!
207
00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:15,698
- Oh, well that's very...
208
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:18,701
♪ Raise your glass to Clarkwell
209
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:21,938
♪ In rain and sleet and hail
210
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:25,374
♪ Yes, raise your
glass to Clarkwell
211
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:28,945
♪ Where you study
through the mail
212
00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:30,212
- Yes, well.
213
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:32,682
♪ Yes, raise your
glass to Clarkwell
214
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:35,585
♪ Our alma mater true
215
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:38,922
♪ Where the only
time they flunk you
216
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:42,859
♪ Is because of postage due
217
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,261
- Yes, uh, well,
Mister Drucker...
218
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,430
- I'm sorry about that,
I got carried away.
219
00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:48,831
Ain't nothing to stir up a man
220
00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:50,967
like memories of
his college days.
221
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:52,435
- I suppose not, now...
222
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:54,837
- I took a correspondence
course from them in merchandising,
223
00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:56,773
to help me boost
sales here in the store.
224
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,041
- That's very interesting...
225
00:09:58,065 --> 00:10:00,810
- Merchandising is
very important to a store.
226
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,211
- Yes, I suppose it...
227
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:04,146
- Ever notice how my
canned goods are displayed?
228
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:05,648
- Well, no, I...
229
00:10:05,672 --> 00:10:08,551
- Now you take them cans
of parboiled lobster tongues.
230
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:10,720
They're displayed so as
when you come in the store,
231
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:12,055
they hit you right in the eye.
232
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:13,489
- Yes, that's very...
233
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:15,091
- Of course, I aint
never sold none,
234
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,325
but when you come in the store,
235
00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:17,794
they do hit you
right in the eye.
236
00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:20,797
- Ah, yes, so I...
237
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,465
- So you're gonna take a
correspondence course, hm?
238
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:24,801
I don't blame you, the
way you run that farm,
239
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,069
it's a good idea for you to have
240
00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:27,870
some other business
to fall back on.
241
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:30,439
- I am not...
242
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,941
- Course, you have your
law business going for you,
243
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,176
but I guess that ain't been
a howling success, either.
244
00:10:35,702 --> 00:10:37,513
- Mister Drucker, I'm
not taking a course, Eb is.
245
00:10:37,537 --> 00:10:39,816
He's looking for a
better paying job, now...
246
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,350
- Well, I don't blame him.
247
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:42,585
I guess he can't get married on
248
00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:44,087
the kind of money you pay him.
249
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,089
- Mister Drucker, I pay him...
250
00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:47,624
- Speaking of
marriage, I printed
251
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:49,926
one of your observations
on the subject in the paper.
252
00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:52,996
The one about slamming
your hand in a car door?
253
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:54,230
- Yeah, I never said...
254
00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:55,765
- What course is Eb gonna take?
255
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:58,067
- He's decided to
become an accountant.
256
00:10:58,091 --> 00:10:59,502
- Seems to me Eb
would want to be
257
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:01,904
something like a rear admiral.
258
00:11:01,928 --> 00:11:04,607
- Ah, yeah, - Or a
Greek millionaire.
259
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:08,678
- Mister...
- Or a brain sturgeon!
260
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:10,379
- Mister Drucker, do me a favor,
261
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,615
put an air mail stamp
on that, I'll see you...
262
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:15,284
- Clarkwell Institute.
263
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:18,254
♪ Raise your glass to Clarkwell
264
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:21,624
♪ In rain and sleet and hail
265
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:25,494
♪ Just raise your
glass to Clarkwell
266
00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:42,845
- Well, hello, Mister Haney.
267
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:46,916
- You would say that,
after what you done to me.
268
00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:49,018
- All I said was
hello, Mister Haney.
269
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,187
- It's too late for apologizing.
270
00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:54,323
Choose your weapon.
271
00:11:55,982 --> 00:11:57,426
- What are you...
272
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:59,929
- A duel is the only
thing which will unsmirch
273
00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:01,886
my besmirched character.
274
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,400
- You're out of your...
275
00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:05,968
- If you'd prefer swords, I have
276
00:12:05,992 --> 00:12:07,636
a couple of them on the truck.
277
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:10,707
Course I'll have to scrape
the shish kabob off them first.
278
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:15,411
- I assume you think you have
some sort of a grievance, hm?
279
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:16,879
- Correct.
280
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,848
You did it to me,
Mister Douglas.
281
00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:23,252
Which makes you the
aggrievea, and me the agrievess.
282
00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:24,754
- Fine.
283
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,756
- Don't you want to even
know what it is you done?
284
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,257
- Not particularly.
285
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:32,183
- Well as long as you're
not particular, I'll show you.
286
00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:37,990
- Oh, I see.
287
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:41,003
You found out about
Eb taking a course.
288
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:42,972
- Do you realize the advantages
289
00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:46,075
that Eb would have if
he enrolled in my school?
290
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,409
- Look, I'm not interested.
291
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:49,445
- Well, you will be
when I show you.
292
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,214
- Hey now, alright,
let go of me.
293
00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:54,416
Mister Haney, please,
I'm not interested...
294
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,417
- Now.
295
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,720
Feast your eyes on the equipment
296
00:12:57,744 --> 00:13:00,890
that we furnish to each
accountant student.
297
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:06,095
First, each student
receives this genuine
298
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:10,466
Bob Cratchit accountant
desk, complete with stool,
299
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:14,103
quill pen, and container
of sand for blotting,
300
00:13:15,561 --> 00:13:16,806
- Of all the...
301
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:19,375
- The student also gets
this autographed picture
302
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:23,445
of Tiny Tim looking
happy on Christmas day.
303
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,713
- I'm not...
304
00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:26,382
- To complete the
accountant's kit,
305
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:30,319
the student gets this modern
electronic computing machine.
306
00:13:31,878 --> 00:13:33,489
- Look, I'm not interested...
307
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:37,481
- Don't hesitate, the new
semester starts in three minutes.
308
00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:40,729
- It'll have to
start without Eb.
309
00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:44,155
- Well, in that case,
choose your weapon.
310
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:47,436
- Fine.
311
00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:49,338
I'll take this one.
312
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,307
- That'll be twelve dollars.
313
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,942
- Twelve!
314
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:55,544
- Well the other one is
eighteen, that has the bullet in it.
315
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:59,148
- My second will call
on you in the morning.
316
00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:04,821
- I sure hope he
knows I'm just funning.
317
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:09,792
- Lisa, did you...
318
00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:11,227
- Well, you got your
name in the paper!
319
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:12,661
- I did?
320
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:15,198
- Mister Drucker printed
what you said about marriage.
321
00:14:15,222 --> 00:14:18,167
It's like slamming your
hand in the car door.
322
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,837
- Oh, I told him that I
didn't say a thing like that.
323
00:14:20,861 --> 00:14:22,104
- Look what came!
324
00:14:22,128 --> 00:14:25,107
My first lesson from
Clarkwell Institute!
325
00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:26,542
- Wonderful, Eb.
326
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:30,512
- Boy, I can't wait to get
started on my accounting career.
327
00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:32,036
- Oh, what's that?
328
00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:35,351
- It's the Clarkwell
alma mater song.
329
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:36,485
I guess you're
supposed to sing it
330
00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:38,787
before you start each lesson.
331
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:41,690
♪ Raise your glass to Clarkwell
332
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:45,027
♪ In rain and sleet and hail
333
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:47,696
♪ Raise your glass to Clarkwell
334
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:51,400
♪ Where you'll
study through the mail
335
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:53,258
- Eb, open the packet.
336
00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:55,294
- Ooh!
337
00:14:57,163 --> 00:14:59,397
- Golly, it's a makeup kit!
338
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:01,710
- That'll come in handy.
339
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:03,746
- For what?
340
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:06,682
- How do I know, I
never studied accounting.
341
00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:08,384
- Why would they
send a makeup kit?
342
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,818
- That's easy.
343
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:11,653
In case they find a mistake
in the company books,
344
00:15:11,677 --> 00:15:13,956
you can disguise yourself
and get out of town.
345
00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,492
- They think of everything.
346
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,127
- That's ridiculous.
347
00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:19,762
What's this?
348
00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:21,697
Dear Mister Dawson,
we are happy to send you
349
00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,399
your Hollywood
makeup kit along with
350
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,002
your first lesson in acting.
351
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:27,026
Acting?
352
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:30,907
- Lesson one, how
to apply makeup
353
00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,875
for stage, screen, and radio!
354
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,278
- Radio?
355
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:37,646
- You know, that's where
you just hear what they say,
356
00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:39,081
but you don't
know who's doing it.
357
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:42,618
- I know what, ah, Eb,
ah, they made a mistake.
358
00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:45,187
- I don't care, don't you
see what happened?
359
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:47,423
I wasn't cut out to
be an accountant,
360
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,091
so destiny took a
hand and sent me
361
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,928
the wrong course,
which is the right course
362
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:54,596
because fate wants
me to become an actor.
363
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:55,620
A star!
364
00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:59,168
- That's exactly what
happened to Rock Hudson.
365
00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:01,270
He sent away for
a plumbing course,
366
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,772
and look where he is today.
367
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:05,975
- Oh, he never sent
away for, look Eb,
368
00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:08,010
pack that thing up
and send it back.
369
00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:09,300
- Never, never!
370
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:13,316
If somebody up there
wants me to be an actor,
371
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,551
then that's what' I'm gonna be.
372
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:16,575
- Who's up there?
373
00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:19,088
- Oh, Lisa.
374
00:16:19,112 --> 00:16:21,958
Eb, accounting is
a good solid career.
375
00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:23,625
You could make a fine living.
376
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,161
- There's more money in acting.
377
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,463
Where else can you
make five thousand dollars
378
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:30,788
a week just by having
your teeth capped?
379
00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:39,730
Lesson one, how to apply makeup.
380
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,879
First the student should
remove shine from the face
381
00:16:43,903 --> 00:16:47,016
by applying makeup
powder in jar number one.
382
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,874
Number one, ah,
here it is, right.
383
00:16:55,948 --> 00:17:00,196
If a healthy tan is wanted, apply
pancake makeup number two.
384
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:01,419
Number two, ah.
385
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:18,647
Golly, no wonder the
stars don't show their age.
386
00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:20,149
This stuff covers everything.
387
00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:22,451
- Eb, Eb?
388
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:24,353
I'm putting on my makeup.
389
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,144
- Forget your makeup.
390
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:28,257
- I did?
391
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,992
Gee, I better go
home and put it on.
392
00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:31,960
- I wasn't talking to you.
393
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:32,794
- Who were you talking to?
394
00:17:32,818 --> 00:17:33,996
- Eb.
395
00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:35,664
- Is he using makeup?
396
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,133
- Yes.
397
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,357
- Well, he's a good boy in
other ways, though, isn't he?
398
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,438
- He's taking a
course in acting.
399
00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:43,739
- Acting what?
400
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:45,941
- You know, acting
for the movies, stage.
401
00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:48,277
- Say, there's a lot
of big money in that.
402
00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:49,745
I mean, where else can you make
403
00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:52,948
five thousand dollars a week
just by having your nose fixed?
404
00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:54,050
- I wouldn't know.
405
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,017
- You wouldn't know what?
406
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:56,685
- Uh, where you can...
407
00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:57,853
- What school's he going to?
408
00:17:57,877 --> 00:17:59,688
- He's taking a
correspondence course
409
00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:01,457
from Clarkwell Institute.
410
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:02,925
- Clarkwell Institute?
411
00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:04,493
My old alma mater.
412
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:05,594
- Oh, well that's great...
413
00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:07,896
♪ Raise your glass for Clarkwell
414
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:11,333
♪ In rain and sleet and hail
415
00:18:11,357 --> 00:18:13,802
♪ Raise your glass for Clarkwell
416
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:17,639
♪ And drink a glass of ale
417
00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:23,479
Oh, I think it's "drink
a glass of mail".
418
00:18:23,503 --> 00:18:25,981
Why would you want
to drink a glass of mail?
419
00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:27,716
- I haven't the slightest idea.
420
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:32,221
- Well, that's a great
school though, that um...
421
00:18:32,245 --> 00:18:34,290
What's the name
of the school again?
422
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,757
- Clarkwell.
423
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:38,727
- Oh yeah, that's where I
studied to be a county agent.
424
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:40,963
Yeah, I sent away for
a scuba diving course,
425
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,364
and they made a
mistake and sent me
426
00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:45,667
an agricultural course
instead, and well, here I am.
427
00:18:48,194 --> 00:18:49,638
- Unfortunately.
428
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,574
- Yeah, I never regretted
that they got mixed up
429
00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:54,042
on that scuba diving course,
because I found out later
430
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,711
it's very difficult
to find a scuba
431
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:57,015
who'd like to learn how to dive.
432
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:00,282
- Well, it's been
nice talking to you.
433
00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,418
- Mister Douglas?
434
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:03,442
What the...
435
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:07,956
- I didn't know you had a tall,
436
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:09,500
horrible looking
girl living here, huh.
437
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:11,594
- I think that's Eb.
438
00:19:11,618 --> 00:19:12,561
- Oh, hello, Eb.
439
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:14,430
- Say, could somebody help me?
440
00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:15,964
I glued my eyes together.
441
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,567
- You glued your,
442
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:20,102
hey, what happened
to your teeth?
443
00:19:20,126 --> 00:19:23,772
- I put the mascara
on in the wrong place.
444
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:25,040
- Oh, you.
445
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:26,308
- Boy, if the first
lesson is this hard,
446
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,178
I wonder what the second
lesson's gonna be like?
447
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,413
Lesson number two.
448
00:19:31,437 --> 00:19:34,316
Now that you've mastered
the difficult art of makeup,
449
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:36,285
you are ready to start acting.
450
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:39,821
This can be done while
pursuing your daily chores.
451
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:42,090
Dramatize everything you do.
452
00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:44,326
For instance,
while eating dinner,
453
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:47,963
imagine you're a guest at
the court of King Louis the XIV
454
00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:50,899
and act the scene
out accordingly.
455
00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:53,569
Pass me the wild boar, Louis.
456
00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:54,770
- The wild?
457
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,554
- How are the beheadings
going, Your Majesty?
458
00:19:57,330 --> 00:19:58,240
- What are you?
459
00:19:58,264 --> 00:20:00,509
- Methinks my glass is empty.
460
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,211
More wine, fair maiden.
461
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:04,513
- Yea, I'll be there verily.
462
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:07,516
- What are you
two talking about?
463
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:10,252
- I'm acting out having
dinner with King Louis the XIV,
464
00:20:10,276 --> 00:20:11,920
and Missus Douglas
is helping me.
465
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:15,090
- Yea, I am the serving wrench.
466
00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:16,792
- The serving wrench.
467
00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:19,528
- Begging Your Majesty's pardon,
468
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:23,199
are you still sneaking out
with Marie Antoinette, Louis?
469
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:28,337
- Yes, Louis, what's
this with you and Marie?
470
00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:30,239
- Ye same old thing.
471
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:32,174
More wine, serving wrench!
472
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:40,249
- Well, I caught you
red-handed, Black Bart.
473
00:20:40,273 --> 00:20:41,483
- Black Ba...
474
00:20:41,507 --> 00:20:43,385
- It ain't bad enough
you rustled a cow,
475
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:45,554
now you milking her too.
476
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:49,124
Well, heh heh, you ain't
a getting away with it.
477
00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:52,761
- Eb, I'm getting tired of
these dramatized daily chores.
478
00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:55,163
- You ain't talking your
way out of this, Blackie.
479
00:20:55,187 --> 00:20:56,732
You've been terrorizing
the homesteaders
480
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:59,835
around here long enough, yeah.
481
00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:04,306
When I count to three,
go for your shooting arm.
482
00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:05,807
One.
483
00:21:05,831 --> 00:21:06,775
Two.
484
00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:07,799
Three!
485
00:21:11,704 --> 00:21:12,704
White blood!
486
00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:15,217
You got me.
487
00:21:15,241 --> 00:21:17,007
Oh, I'm checking out.
488
00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:21,690
I'm emptying my
saddle in the old corral.
489
00:21:21,714 --> 00:21:24,660
I'm heading for
the last roundup.
490
00:21:24,684 --> 00:21:27,363
I hear them little
doggies a calling me.
491
00:21:29,355 --> 00:21:30,454
Water, water!
492
00:21:34,193 --> 00:21:37,306
This is the best I can
do for you, pardner.
493
00:21:43,469 --> 00:21:45,414
- So I've decided to
break our engagement
494
00:21:45,438 --> 00:21:47,949
unless Eb forgets this
silly acting business.
495
00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:52,354
- Darlene, women have to
learn to go along with their man,
496
00:21:52,378 --> 00:21:55,056
no matter how stupid
we think they are.
497
00:21:55,915 --> 00:21:57,393
- Now look here...
498
00:21:57,417 --> 00:22:00,262
- Well, studying to be an
accountant made sense.
499
00:22:00,286 --> 00:22:03,031
Why did you talk him
into being an actor?
500
00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:04,266
- I didn't talk him into...
501
00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:05,634
- You know what
he did last night?
502
00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:08,404
He danced up the
front steps of my house
503
00:22:08,428 --> 00:22:12,708
and asked my father if
Shirley Temple was home.
504
00:22:12,732 --> 00:22:13,809
- Shirley Temple?
505
00:22:13,833 --> 00:22:15,277
- He didn't want to take me out
506
00:22:15,301 --> 00:22:18,681
because I didn't know the
words to On A Good Ship Lollipop.
507
00:22:18,705 --> 00:22:21,950
- He must be studying
musical comedy.
508
00:22:21,974 --> 00:22:23,419
- Darlene, you're right, he's...
509
00:22:26,612 --> 00:22:29,491
- Agent 2279 reporting, sir.
510
00:22:29,515 --> 00:22:30,926
- What's the matter, 22?
511
00:22:30,950 --> 00:22:32,661
- Oh, Lisa.
512
00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:35,397
Did you fix the fuel pump?
513
00:22:35,421 --> 00:22:39,301
- I couldn't, chief, it's
been cleverly sabotaged.
514
00:22:39,325 --> 00:22:40,769
- Eb!
515
00:22:40,793 --> 00:22:42,137
- What did you call me?
516
00:22:42,161 --> 00:22:43,639
- Eb!
517
00:22:43,663 --> 00:22:47,443
- Aha, only an enemy agent
would know my real name.
518
00:22:48,735 --> 00:22:49,778
- Look, will you please-
519
00:22:49,802 --> 00:22:51,347
- I know who you are.
520
00:22:51,371 --> 00:22:53,749
Eric von Steinmeister.
521
00:22:53,773 --> 00:22:56,352
And that's your brother Max.
522
00:22:56,376 --> 00:22:59,321
They're past
masters of disguise.
523
00:22:59,345 --> 00:23:02,491
Alright, fellers, take
those silly dresses off.
524
00:23:03,583 --> 00:23:04,583
- Lisa!
525
00:23:05,485 --> 00:23:06,485
- I am Max.
526
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,431
- You hold them
here, chief, and I'll get
527
00:23:09,455 --> 00:23:13,290
a carrier pigeon and
send this off to England.
528
00:23:15,327 --> 00:23:17,272
- He's getting better, isn't he.
529
00:23:17,296 --> 00:23:18,106
- Better than what?
530
00:23:18,130 --> 00:23:19,307
He's blown a fuse.
531
00:23:19,331 --> 00:23:21,243
- Well, he's just
studying his lessons.
532
00:23:21,267 --> 00:23:23,044
- I've had enough
of his lessons.
533
00:23:23,068 --> 00:23:24,413
- So have I, and if he doesn't
534
00:23:24,437 --> 00:23:27,104
come to his senses, I'm through.
535
00:23:29,409 --> 00:23:30,486
- I don't blame her.
536
00:23:30,510 --> 00:23:32,020
- Well, I do.
537
00:23:32,044 --> 00:23:35,090
Eb is just doing this for her.
538
00:23:35,114 --> 00:23:36,291
- What do you mean for her?
539
00:23:36,315 --> 00:23:37,826
- Well don't you
remember Eb said
540
00:23:37,850 --> 00:23:39,495
he couldn't afford
to get married,
541
00:23:39,519 --> 00:23:42,498
because furnitures
are too expensive?
542
00:23:42,522 --> 00:23:43,932
- Furniture?
543
00:23:43,956 --> 00:23:45,601
That's what started
this whole thing?
544
00:23:45,625 --> 00:23:47,469
- That's right.
545
00:23:47,493 --> 00:23:51,239
- Oh, then it's a
very simple solution.
546
00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:53,709
So ah, Missus
Douglas and I decided
547
00:23:53,733 --> 00:23:55,577
that as a wedding present
for you and Darlene,
548
00:23:55,601 --> 00:23:59,314
we would give you this check
for five rooms of furniture.
549
00:23:59,338 --> 00:24:00,749
- Thank you, thank
you, thank you!
550
00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:01,650
- Stop!
551
00:24:01,674 --> 00:24:03,151
Oh, cut that out.
552
00:24:03,175 --> 00:24:05,387
There's a string attached to it.
553
00:24:05,411 --> 00:24:07,689
You don't get it until you
cancel that acting course
554
00:24:07,713 --> 00:24:09,792
and get them to send
you the accounting course.
555
00:24:09,816 --> 00:24:12,360
- I won't sell my
soul for a pint of gold.
556
00:24:12,384 --> 00:24:13,862
I don't need furniture.
557
00:24:13,886 --> 00:24:15,531
Acting taught me
that you can create
558
00:24:15,555 --> 00:24:18,567
anything you want
with your imagination.
559
00:24:18,591 --> 00:24:21,403
Do you know what I see there?
560
00:24:21,427 --> 00:24:22,604
- Hm?
- A bedroom.
561
00:24:22,628 --> 00:24:24,406
It's fully furnished.
562
00:24:24,430 --> 00:24:27,142
There's the dresser,
there's the night tables,
563
00:24:27,166 --> 00:24:28,833
and there's the bed.
564
00:24:29,802 --> 00:24:31,079
- Mhm, fun.
565
00:24:31,103 --> 00:24:34,049
Oh, why don't you take
a little nap on your bed.
566
00:24:34,073 --> 00:24:36,151
- I imagine I will.
567
00:24:41,948 --> 00:24:43,659
- Well that's the
silliest he's ever been.
568
00:24:43,683 --> 00:24:44,927
- Look.
569
00:24:48,688 --> 00:24:49,698
- How did he do that?
570
00:24:49,722 --> 00:24:52,222
- Shh! He's sleeping, come on.
571
00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:39,036
- This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.
39095
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