Original subtitles

- I'll only be gone for the afternoon!

- You're supposed to work this afternoon.

- I'm supposed to meet Darlene, my financee.

- They're going furniture shopping for their first home.

- Aren't they being a little previous?

- What's wrong with previous?

- They haven't got a house!

Haven't even set a date for the wedding yet,

what do they need to buy furniture for?

- Because the Pixley Imporium's having a big sale this week.

Mister Douglas, I got one of those

man to man questions to ask you.

- Do you want me to leave?

- Oh, no no no.

I'll always think of you as one of the boys.

What's the question?

- Well, I'd like to... well it's about...

Maybe it would be better if Missus Douglas left.

- What's the question?

- Well, since Darlene and I aren't married yet,

when we look at the bedroom stuff,

is it alright if we both look at the bed together?

- I think, to keep things on a high moral plane,

that it would be better when, when you look at the bed,

Darlene looks at the dresser.

And when Darlene looks at the bed, you look at the dresser.

- Golly, I can hardly wait till we are married,

and we can both look at the dresser together!

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Hey, I thought you went to Pixley.

What are you doing back so soon?

- None of your business!

- What did he say?

Now look here, Eb.

Eb?

How did you get out there?

- None of your business!

- Eb! Eb?

Eb, I won't ha... Eb! Eb!

Yes, sir?

- How did you get in there?

- Well, Mister Douglas, you must

feel pretty proud of yourself.

How could you do a thing like this to me?

- What have I done to you?

- None of your business.

- Now look here, I won't have you talking to me that way.

- Do you know what it costs to furnish a home?

- How did you get in here again?

- That's all you're interested in,

how I get in and out of here.

You're not interested in my problems.

- All right, what is your problem?

- If I tell you, will you give me the raise?

- No.

- Then I won't tell you.

- Won't tell you what?

- Why I should give him a raise.

- If I don't get more money, I can't get married.

- Aw.

- That's your problem.

- Do you realize how much it costs to furnish a home today?

- How did you two... - Or buy a car or food?

Prices have gone sky high.

- That's right, we're living in a period of deflation.

- Inflation.

- I knew it was some kind of flation.

- There's no such word.

- I'm being flationed right out of my marriage.

- Well you're learning the economic facts of life.

- Are those like the other facts of life?

- No.

- Then why does he have to learn about them?

- Ah, look, Eb.

Ah, when you first mentioned marriage to me,

what did I tell you?

- You told me that marriage was like

living in a concentration camp.

- Well.

- I never said that!

- Yes you did!

- When?

- Right after you said "if you're getting married

"for companionship, save your money, buy a dog."

- Well!

- Lisa, I never!

- But the one thing I remember the best that you told me,

is that getting married is like having

a car door slammed on your hand.

By the time the pain goes away, you've sold the car.

Bah!

- Eb, all I ever told you about marriage

is that it's expensive.

You've got to buy food for two, clothing for two.

Everything goes double.

- There's an easy solution to that.

Double my pay!

- Eb, I pay you more than anybody else

in this valley pays his hired hand.

- Then it's true what they say, this is a depressed area.

- You never told me that.

- Do I get the raise?

- I'm sorry, Eb, I can't afford to double your pay.

- Then I guess I'll have to break my engagement.

- Look, Eb, maybe you're in the wrong business.

Why don't you think of another profession that pays more?

- All I know is farming.

- Well, then study something.

- You mean give up my job and go back to school?

- No, take a correspondence course.

You can work days and study nights.

- Well, how would he sleep?

- Same as he does now, on the job.

- Those correspondence schools cost money.

- Oh look, I'll pay for it.

You find something you'd like to study

and we'll discuss it further.

- Thank you, thank you!

- Oh cuss, Eb, cut that out, ya...

- Yes sir.

Boy, wait till I tell Darlene the good news.

- Oh, that kid.

- Well, it's very sweet of you to help him.

- Well... - Now let's get back

to all the nasty thing you said about marriage!

- Look, Lisa, I never said any of those things.

All I ever said to him was that I hoped

he'd be as happy in his marriage as we are in ours.

- Well, that was a lovely thing to say.

- Yeah.

I figured as long as you're gonna live

in a concentration camp, you might as well enjoy it.

- Oliver, did you see the...

- Uh, did anybody lose this?

- Oh, that belongs to Mister Douglas!

- Ooh, there you are!

- Eb, what would you like to have for your breakfast?

- Can I have a hotcake on a stick, too?

- Of course, as soon as Mister Douglas

is through with his shtick.

- He can have this one.

Ah, try the stick, that's the best part.

- I heard that.

- He's right, it is the best part!

- Look, you're late.

- I overslept.

I was up most of the night, making out

this list of profitable professions to pursue.

- What did you put down, Eb?

- Well, in the order of their profitability,

the first one is brain surgeon.

- Now that's a doozy.

- Brain surgeons are in big demand,

and you don't even have to be a good one to make a fortune.

- You know, that sounds very good.

Doctor Eb Dawson, brain sturgeon.

- Eb, do you realize what it takes

to become a brain sturgeon?

- A sharp knife and a steady hand.

- You have to go to college, medical school,

you have to serve as an intern, it could take you ten years!

- In ten years, Darlene'll be too old for me.

- What else have you got down there?

- My number two choice is rear admiral.

- Uh, what's your next choice?

- Greek millionaire.

- You can't study to be a Greek millionaire.

- They did in Hungary.

Well, they didn't exactly teach you how to be one,

they taught you how to get one.

- Have you got anything sensible on that list?

Dictator.

Football star.

- I don't know what they teach

in those correspondence schools.

- Well, one of them had an ad in a magazine

that listed all the courses they teach.

Ah, Lisa, did you see that magazine

I was reading in here last night?

- Oh, yes.

Here it is.

- Why did you put it in the refrigerator?

- So I'd remember where it was!

- You know, it wouldn't hurt if you

took some kind of a course.

Here, here we are.

Clarkwell Correspondence Institute.

Whole list of things here you can study.

Architecture to zoology.

Now why don't you look at it, see what appeals to you.

Mister Tucker, could you put

an air mail stamp on that for me?

- I'll be glad to, I...

Clarkwell Correspondence Institute, Chicago?

Well, that's my old alma mater!

- Oh, well that's very...

♪ Raise your glass to Clarkwell

♪ In rain and sleet and hail

♪ Yes, raise your glass to Clarkwell

♪ Where you study through the mail

- Yes, well.

♪ Yes, raise your glass to Clarkwell

♪ Our alma mater true

♪ Where the only time they flunk you

♪ Is because of postage due

- Yes, uh, well, Mister Drucker...

- I'm sorry about that, I got carried away.

Ain't nothing to stir up a man

like memories of his college days.

- I suppose not, now...

- I took a correspondence course from them in merchandising,

to help me boost sales here in the store.

- That's very interesting...

- Merchandising is very important to a store.

- Yes, I suppose it...

- Ever notice how my canned goods are displayed?

- Well, no, I...

- Now you take them cans of parboiled lobster tongues.

They're displayed so as when you come in the store,

they hit you right in the eye.

- Yes, that's very...

- Of course, I aint never sold none,

but when you come in the store,

they do hit you right in the eye.

- Ah, yes, so I...

- So you're gonna take a correspondence course, hm?

I don't blame you, the way you run that farm,

it's a good idea for you to have

some other business to fall back on.

- I am not...

- Course, you have your law business going for you,

but I guess that ain't been a howling success, either.

- Mister Drucker, I'm not taking a course, Eb is.

He's looking for a better paying job, now...

- Well, I don't blame him.

I guess he can't get married on

the kind of money you pay him.

- Mister Drucker, I pay him...

- Speaking of marriage, I printed

one of your observations on the subject in the paper.

The one about slamming your hand in a car door?

- Yeah, I never said...

- What course is Eb gonna take?

- He's decided to become an accountant.

- Seems to me Eb would want to be

something like a rear admiral.

- Ah, yeah, - Or a Greek millionaire.

- Mister... - Or a brain sturgeon!

- Mister Drucker, do me a favor,

put an air mail stamp on that, I'll see you...

- Clarkwell Institute.

♪ Raise your glass to Clarkwell

♪ In rain and sleet and hail

♪ Just raise your glass to Clarkwell

- Well, hello, Mister Haney.

- You would say that, after what you done to me.

- All I said was hello, Mister Haney.

- It's too late for apologizing.

Choose your weapon.

- What are you...

- A duel is the only thing which will unsmirch

my besmirched character.

- You're out of your...

- If you'd prefer swords, I have

a couple of them on the truck.

Course I'll have to scrape the shish kabob off them first.

- I assume you think you have some sort of a grievance, hm?

- Correct.

You did it to me, Mister Douglas.

Which makes you the aggrievea, and me the agrievess.

- Fine.

- Don't you want to even know what it is you done?

- Not particularly.

- Well as long as you're not particular, I'll show you.

- Oh, I see.

You found out about Eb taking a course.

- Do you realize the advantages

that Eb would have if he enrolled in my school?

- Look, I'm not interested.

- Well, you will be when I show you.

- Hey now, alright, let go of me.

Mister Haney, please, I'm not interested...

- Now.

Feast your eyes on the equipment

that we furnish to each accountant student.

First, each student receives this genuine

Bob Cratchit accountant desk, complete with stool,

quill pen, and container of sand for blotting,

- Of all the...

- The student also gets this autographed picture

of Tiny Tim looking happy on Christmas day.

- I'm not...

- To complete the accountant's kit,

the student gets this modern electronic computing machine.

- Look, I'm not interested...

- Don't hesitate, the new semester starts in three minutes.

- It'll have to start without Eb.

- Well, in that case, choose your weapon.

- Fine.

I'll take this one.

- That'll be twelve dollars.

- Twelve!

- Well the other one is eighteen, that has the bullet in it.

- My second will call on you in the morning.

- I sure hope he knows I'm just funning.

- Lisa, did you...

- Well, you got your name in the paper!

- I did?

- Mister Drucker printed what you said about marriage.

It's like slamming your hand in the car door.

- Oh, I told him that I didn't say a thing like that.

- Look what came!

My first lesson from Clarkwell Institute!

- Wonderful, Eb.

- Boy, I can't wait to get started on my accounting career.

- Oh, what's that?

- It's the Clarkwell alma mater song.

I guess you're supposed to sing it

before you start each lesson.

♪ Raise your glass to Clarkwell

♪ In rain and sleet and hail

♪ Raise your glass to Clarkwell

♪ Where you'll study through the mail

- Eb, open the packet.

- Ooh!

- Golly, it's a makeup kit!

- That'll come in handy.

- For what?

- How do I know, I never studied accounting.

- Why would they send a makeup kit?

- That's easy.

In case they find a mistake in the company books,

you can disguise yourself and get out of town.

- They think of everything.

- That's ridiculous.

What's this?

Dear Mister Dawson, we are happy to send you

your Hollywood makeup kit along with

your first lesson in acting.

Acting?

- Lesson one, how to apply makeup

for stage, screen, and radio!

- Radio?

- You know, that's where you just hear what they say,

but you don't know who's doing it.

- I know what, ah, Eb, ah, they made a mistake.

- I don't care, don't you see what happened?

I wasn't cut out to be an accountant,

so destiny took a hand and sent me

the wrong course, which is the right course

because fate wants me to become an actor.

A star!

- That's exactly what happened to Rock Hudson.

He sent away for a plumbing course,

and look where he is today.

- Oh, he never sent away for, look Eb,

pack that thing up and send it back.

- Never, never!

If somebody up there wants me to be an actor,

then that's what' I'm gonna be.

- Who's up there?

- Oh, Lisa.

Eb, accounting is a good solid career.

You could make a fine living.

- There's more money in acting.

Where else can you make five thousand dollars

a week just by having your teeth capped?

Lesson one, how to apply makeup.

First the student should remove shine from the face

by applying makeup powder in jar number one.

Number one, ah, here it is, right.

If a healthy tan is wanted, apply pancake makeup number two.

Number two, ah.

Golly, no wonder the stars don't show their age.

This stuff covers everything.

- Eb, Eb?

I'm putting on my makeup.

- Forget your makeup.

- I did?

Gee, I better go home and put it on.

- I wasn't talking to you.

- Who were you talking to?

- Eb.

- Is he using makeup?

- Yes.

- Well, he's a good boy in other ways, though, isn't he?

- He's taking a course in acting.

- Acting what?

- You know, acting for the movies, stage.

- Say, there's a lot of big money in that.

I mean, where else can you make

five thousand dollars a week just by having your nose fixed?

- I wouldn't know.

- You wouldn't know what?

- Uh, where you can...

- What school's he going to?

- He's taking a correspondence course

from Clarkwell Institute.

- Clarkwell Institute?

My old alma mater.

- Oh, well that's great...

♪ Raise your glass for Clarkwell

♪ In rain and sleet and hail

♪ Raise your glass for Clarkwell

♪ And drink a glass of ale

Oh, I think it's "drink a glass of mail".

Why would you want to drink a glass of mail?

- I haven't the slightest idea.

- Well, that's a great school though, that um...

What's the name of the school again?

- Clarkwell.

- Oh yeah, that's where I studied to be a county agent.

Yeah, I sent away for a scuba diving course,

and they made a mistake and sent me

an agricultural course instead, and well, here I am.

- Unfortunately.

- Yeah, I never regretted that they got mixed up

on that scuba diving course, because I found out later

it's very difficult to find a scuba

who'd like to learn how to dive.

- Well, it's been nice talking to you.

- Mister Douglas?

What the...

- I didn't know you had a tall,

horrible looking girl living here, huh.

- I think that's Eb.

- Oh, hello, Eb.

- Say, could somebody help me?

I glued my eyes together.

- You glued your,

hey, what happened to your teeth?

- I put the mascara on in the wrong place.

- Oh, you.

- Boy, if the first lesson is this hard,

I wonder what the second lesson's gonna be like?

Lesson number two.

Now that you've mastered the difficult art of makeup,

you are ready to start acting.

This can be done while pursuing your daily chores.

Dramatize everything you do.

For instance, while eating dinner,

imagine you're a guest at the court of King Louis the XIV

and act the scene out accordingly.

Pass me the wild boar, Louis.

- The wild?

- How are the beheadings going, Your Majesty?

- What are you?

- Methinks my glass is empty.

More wine, fair maiden.

- Yea, I'll be there verily.

- What are you two talking about?

- I'm acting out having dinner with King Louis the XIV,

and Missus Douglas is helping me.

- Yea, I am the serving wrench.

- The serving wrench.

- Begging Your Majesty's pardon,

are you still sneaking out with Marie Antoinette, Louis?

- Yes, Louis, what's this with you and Marie?

- Ye same old thing.

More wine, serving wrench!

- Well, I caught you red-handed, Black Bart.

- Black Ba...

- It ain't bad enough you rustled a cow,

now you milking her too.

Well, heh heh, you ain't a getting away with it.

- Eb, I'm getting tired of these dramatized daily chores.

- You ain't talking your way out of this, Blackie.

You've been terrorizing the homesteaders

around here long enough, yeah.

When I count to three, go for your shooting arm.

One.

Two.

Three!

White blood!

You got me.

Oh, I'm checking out.

I'm emptying my saddle in the old corral.

I'm heading for the last roundup.

I hear them little doggies a calling me.

Water, water!

This is the best I can do for you, pardner.

- So I've decided to break our engagement

unless Eb forgets this silly acting business.

- Darlene, women have to learn to go along with their man,

no matter how stupid we think they are.

- Now look here...

- Well, studying to be an accountant made sense.

Why did you talk him into being an actor?

- I didn't talk him into...

- You know what he did last night?

He danced up the front steps of my house

and asked my father if Shirley Temple was home.

- Shirley Temple?

- He didn't want to take me out

because I didn't know the words to On A Good Ship Lollipop.

- He must be studying musical comedy.

- Darlene, you're right, he's...

- Agent 2279 reporting, sir.

- What's the matter, 22?

- Oh, Lisa.

Did you fix the fuel pump?

- I couldn't, chief, it's been cleverly sabotaged.

- Eb!

- What did you call me?

- Eb!

- Aha, only an enemy agent would know my real name.

- Look, will you please-

- I know who you are.

Eric von Steinmeister.

And that's your brother Max.

They're past masters of disguise.

Alright, fellers, take those silly dresses off.

- Lisa!

- I am Max.

- You hold them here, chief, and I'll get

a carrier pigeon and send this off to England.

- He's getting better, isn't he.

- Better than what?

He's blown a fuse.

- Well, he's just studying his lessons.

- I've had enough of his lessons.

- So have I, and if he doesn't

come to his senses, I'm through.

- I don't blame her.

- Well, I do.

Eb is just doing this for her.

- What do you mean for her?

- Well don't you remember Eb said

he couldn't afford to get married,

because furnitures are too expensive?

- Furniture?

That's what started this whole thing?

- That's right.

- Oh, then it's a very simple solution.

So ah, Missus Douglas and I decided

that as a wedding present for you and Darlene,

we would give you this check for five rooms of furniture.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you!

- Stop!

Oh, cut that out.

There's a string attached to it.

You don't get it until you cancel that acting course

and get them to send you the accounting course.

- I won't sell my soul for a pint of gold.

I don't need furniture.

Acting taught me that you can create

anything you want with your imagination.

Do you know what I see there?

- Hm? - A bedroom.

It's fully furnished.

There's the dresser, there's the night tables,

and there's the bed.

- Mhm, fun.

Oh, why don't you take a little nap on your bed.

- I imagine I will.

- Well that's the silliest he's ever been.

- Look.

- How did he do that?

- Shh! He's sleeping, come on.

- This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.