Original subtitles

- Hey it's Mr. Douglas.

I thought he was going to a...

- Hey you're late.

- I'm sorry Charlie.

- Well I've already bough the tickets, let's go in.

- How about that?

Mr. Douglas went in to see his own live story.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Lands spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that country side.

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Well good morning, Eb.

- You poor woman.

- Why am I a poor woman?

- Because your husband.

Where is he?

- He's still asleep, he came in very late.

- I'll bet he did.

- He came in exhausted.

- I'll bet he did.

- Why do you keep saying, "I'll be he did?"

- Because I'll bet he did.

Where did Mr. Douglas say he went last night?

- To a pollution meeting.

- He must have been polluted to think he could

get away with a story like that.

- Eb, are you trying to tell me something?

- Well... - Good morning.

- Good morning, darling, mm.

- You'll kiss anybody, won't you?

- What?

- You're a universal smoocher!

- Something wrong with my kissing my wife good morning?

- I was thinking more about who you kiss good night,

Mr. Devious.

- Devious?

I guess the Hooterville nutty season has started again.

- I don't think it's so nutty.

- How was the meeting, dear?

- Yes, how was the meeting, dear?

- Well it was about he pollution problem...

- Sure it was!

- What are you...?

- Want to hear what I did last night?

- No.

- I went to Pixley.

And I saw a friend of mine.

I should say an ex-friend of mine.

And he wasn't alone, if you get my meaning?

- Eb, if you've got something to say

would you come right out and say it?

- Don't expect me to do your dirty work.

Do it yourself, Mr. Devious!

- Well, if you've got dirty work to do

I don't want to keep you from it, Mr. Dubious.

- 40 45, 50,000.

Isn't it beautiful Charlie?

- Yeah and tax free.

Compliments of the Second Security Bank of Boston.

- And all they planned to give you for 20 years

of service was a watch.

Now I can pick my own.

That's funny.

Charlie, you're riot!

- Shut up.

- Well how long do we have to stay here?

You said we were gonna go to London, Paris.

So where do we wind up?

The Pixley Motel.

- We ain't moving from here 'til things cool off.

Bank's don't forget somebody who embezzles

$50,000 overnight you know.

- Gee, I'm lucky to be married to you Charlie.

There's no other man in the whole world like you.

- Yes sir Mr. Douglas I said to myself,

"There's only one man in the world like you."

- Whatever it is I don't want it.

- I also said to myself, "He's a man that needs convincing."

Are you convinced?

- What is that?

- A Pablum Picarasso.

- Is he any relation to Pablo Picasso?

- Who is that?

- Only one of the world's greatest painters.

- Did he ever do anything as good as this?

Ain't that beautiful?

- I can't make heads or tails out of that painting?

- Oh well that's easy enough.

This is the head and this is the tail.

- Of what?

- A cow!

This is a true to life portrait of Beverly

the renowned tri-state milking queen.

The name of the painting is Udderly Beverly.

Don't that just grab it all?

- Mr. Haney, will you?

- No I know what you're thinking.

- If you did you would have been out of here

five minutes ago!

- You're thinking that a work of art like this

must cost a fortune.

But this is your lucky day.

We're having a special introductatory offer

of Pablum Picarasso's works for only $150.

- Mr. Haney you have some nerve

to try to get $150 for a piece of junk

by an artist nobody's ever heard of!

- Hello there Mr. Haney.

Isn't that a Pablum Picarasso?

- You've heard of...

- That's one of the most beautiful paintings of a cow

I've ever seen.

- You can tell that's a cow?

- What else could it be?

- Mr. Douglas, it's all yours for only $200.

- That's cheap.

- It was cheaper a minute ago it was only $150.

- Yeah, but a minute ago I didn't have

Mrs. Douglas' expert opinion.

Now where do you want it hung?

- I have several suggestions.

- Well if you don't want it I'll guess I'll

just have to take the Metropolitan Museum's offer.

You do that.

Oliver.

I think you should have bought that.

- Lisa I'm trying to fix the fuel pump.

- What's wrong with it?

- It doesn't work.

- How did you make it do that?

Well I...

- Oh, here comes Mr. Kimbell!

- Where?

- Oh, now I got two of them.

- Oh, you folks busy?

- Yeah.

- Mr. Douglas is fixing his fool pump.

Oh.

What's wrong with your fool pump?

- It doesn't work.

- Oh.

How'd you make it do that?

- I... - No wonder it doesn't work,

it's broken.

- I know.

Uh, look do you know where I could

get another one like this?

- I thought you said it was broken?

- It is!

- Then why do you want another one like it?

- Oh, you.

- Say, there's a store in Pixley that has them.

I'd be glad to pick one up for you.

- I'd appreciate that.

- Just let me make a note of that.

One broken fuel pump for Mr. Douglas.

- If it's all the same to you, I'd like a new one.

- A new what?

- A new broken fuel,

uh, here look you take this with you

and tell them you want one just like it.

You think you can do that?

- Well, we'll know when I get back.

Uh-huh.

- Oh, uh Mr. Douglas.

I hope you're not thinking of wasting your money

on some cheap babble,

when you could still buy this Pablum Picarasso

for only... - Will you get out of here?

- But, Mr. Douglas...

- No my name is not Douglas and beat it, scram!

- But ah... - Get out of here!

- Oh Charlie, it's beautiful, thank you, thank you!

- I'm glad you like it Blanche.

Come on baby, let's get back to the motel.

- Who was that?

- Some nut.

He must have me mixed up with somebody else.

What are you?

- Oh, sorry Mr. Douglas.

Oh, nice seeing you Mrs. uh,

you're not Mrs. uh... - Uh, look fellow...

- Oh glad I bumped into you.

Got your new fuel pump.

- What'd you buy a new fuel pump for, Charlie?

- Uh, Charlie needed one for his tractor.

Did you, Mr. Douglas?

- My name isn't Douglas!

- Well whatever it is, you can pay me later on,

Mr. Douglas.

Well nice seeing you, Mrs. uh,

boy you're not Mrs. Uh...

- Come on Charlie.

- No wait Blanche, the motel is this way.

- No, Mr. Haney I can't let you hang that up

in the living room.

- But uh...

- Well Mr. Douglas doesn't want to buy it.

Well I think he will.

I picked up a very convincing sales argument in Pixley.

- Well you better speak to him first.

- Where is he?

- He went to Crabwell Corners.

- Crabwell Corners.

I guess that's he would call it.

Mr. Douglas...

- No Mr. Haney I haven't got time...

- Well, you've changed your clothes

since I saw you in Pixley this afternoon.

- I was in Crabwell Corners.

Of course you were.

- Hey will you wa...

- Shall we go in and hang up the Picarasso?

- I told you I didn't want to buy that!

- Yeah, but that was BC.

- BC?

Before Charlie.

- Hey look will you...?

- I'm sure that you will find this is reasonable

as any wristwatch you could buy in the Crabwell Corners

jewelry store in Pixley.

- What are you talking about?

- I think that $600 is a fair price for this.

- Not that I'm interested, but it was $150 this morning.

- Yeah, but the more you know about art

and other things

the more the price keeps going up.

- Well I don't want it.

♪ Motel me pretty maiden.

- Motel me?

I see the word makes you Blanche.

No pun intended Charlie.

- You're drunk!

- I wished I were.

It would blot out the memory of what I saw in Pixley today.

- Uh-huh.

What did you see in Pixley?

We know, don't we?

In the meantime I'll have this $1,000 Picarasso framed.

Or you, whichever the case may be.

- Something strange going on here.

- It's more than strange.

It's weird.

- What's weird, honey?

9,000, 10,000.

- Those two guys who thought I was someone else.

Kept calling me Douglas.

- Maybe it's a trap.

11,000, 12,000.

- Only thing I can figure is there must be

somebody around here who looks like me!

- No one could look like you Charlie.

You're the handsomest man I know, 13,000, 14,000.

- Can't understand it.

- Don't worry about it, Charlie, 15,000, 16,000.

17,000, 18,000.

- Douglas, Douglas.

- 19,000, 20,000.

- There it is.

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

- 21,000, 22...

- Will you stop counting!

- But Charlie!

- I want you to pay this Douglas a visit.

- What for?

- Check him out.

If he does look like me,

maybe we can use him.

- Oh, hello there.

- Hello.

I hope you don't mind,

but I seem to have lost my bearings.

- Ah that's too bad.

Do you think you lost them around here?

- No, I mean I've lost my way.

I'm trying to get to Beaver Meadow Junction.

Do you know where it is?

- No, I don't, but my husband might.

Would you like to come in?

Oliver, Oliver!

- Yes.

- Uh, this is my husband.

- How do you do?

- I don't believe it.

- Do you want to see the marriage certificate?

No I meant...

- Uh, can I help you Miss uh?

- Mrs. Brown.

- Mrs. Brown.

- I'm trying to find my way to Beaver Meadow.

- Oh, Beaver Meadow.

I have a road map here.

- I'll make some tea.

- Oh you don't need.

- Beaver

Meadow, hm?

- It's uncanny.

- What's, what's the matter, won't you sit down?

- Uh, let's see Beaver Meadow's,

oh you take route... - Hi!

Holy smoke, it's her!

- What?

- Bringing her in to your own home!

Boy how La Dolce Vita can you get?

- La Dolce...?

- Uh, Mrs. Brown.

Would you like to have some cookies with your tea?

- Oh no thank you.

- You have your wife serving cookies and tea to your,

your... - My what?

- I can't think of the word.

But I'll look it up!

- He's a little strange.

- I noticed.

Well, thank you for your help.

- But I didn't show you how to get to Beaver...

- That's all right, I'm sure I'll be able to find it.

Bye.

- Where is Mrs. Brown?

- Well she left suddenly!

You know I don't think she came here

to get directions at all.

Mrs. Brown, that name doesn't seem to fit her.

- What do you think her name is?

- Concubine!

- What?

- Mrs. Concubine.

I like that better than Mrs. Brown.

- Well that's not her name.

- What is her name Mr. Devious?

- And will you stop...?

- I can't hold my silence any longer.

That man there is a philanthropist.

Oh that's not right.

- Oh for the... - Philanderer!

- You mean he gives money away?

- No ma'am.

It says right here.

Philanderer, one who is guilty of hanky panky.

- Well that isn't the defini...

- Who were you hanky pankying with?

- Mrs. Concubine!

- Will you stop...

- Last night I saw you kissing her outside the movie

and who knows what happened inside the movie!

- You mean you were out with Mrs. Concubine!

- No, I never saw that woman before

she walked in her five minutes ago!

- Hi.

Hey.

Guess who I just saw driving out the gate?

You're ah from Pixley.

- Oh?

- Oh, hello Mrs. Douglas.

Does she know about your.

- Mr. Kimbell, when did you allegedly see me in Pixley?

- When I gave you the fuel pump, Charlie.

- Who is Charlie?

- I don't.

If you gave me the fuel pump where is it?

- I don't know.

Maybe you left it at the motel.

- What motel?

- Well the Pixley Motel.

- Well!

- Oh, Lisa.

- So that's what you've been up to, Mr. Devious.

- Lisa, I don't know what this is all about,

I've never been to the Pixley Motel!

- That should be easy to prove.

- Yes it should!

- Lisa change your clothes.

- Where are we going?

- To the Pixley Motel!

- We're checking out in five minutes,

have our bill ready.

- Why are we checking out, Charlie?

- You want to be here when the Boston Police arrive?

- I don't understand.

Why did you tip off the cops?

- They want Charlie Foster?

We'll give them Charlie Foster.

But not this one.

- Come on Lisa.

- Now Oliver you don't have to do this.

If you tell me that you've never been

to the Pixley Motel, I believe you.

- No, no, no, no, then there will always be

some kind of a doubt in your mind,

you'll always be throwing it up at me.

Once and for all I want you to know

that I was never in this motel!

Mr. Foster!

Uh I thought you checked out.

- Checked out?

- Well yes sir your wife paid the bill and,

well that's not your wife.

- Yes, this is my wife!

- Well then the other one was...

Oh no the other one wasn't my wife.

What I mean was, you made a mistake.

- You certainly did.

- Oh for the love of, Lisa!

- Mr. Foster, before you go would you mind

filling out this form?

- What form?

- You know, how you liked the room,

was the service satisfactory?

Did you enjoy the complimentary bre, bre, ew, oh!

Mr. Foster!

- Lisa, I tell you it must have been

somebody who looked like me.

- You can do better than that Charlie.

- Lisa I have always told you the truth.

- Have you?

- Have I ever done anything dishonest in my whole life?

- You're under arrest.

- What, who are you?

- Lieutenant Olson, Boston Police.

Are you Oliver Douglas?

- Yes.

- Alias Charlie Foster?

- That's his motel name.

- Yeah, we had a tip you'd be hiding out here.

- Look, what are you arresting me for?

- Embezzling $50,000.

- That's another thing you never told me about.

Where did you hide the loot, Charlie?

- Wait, look you've got the wrong man!

- Is that you?

- Yes that looks like, I never posed for this picture!

Oh, hey I bet that's the fellow that was at the motel

with that woman.

Oh this is a mistake, I'm innocent.

- That's what he always says.

- Yeah well let's go.

- Where?

- Down to the sheriff's office.

I got some questions I'd like to ask you

about the money you embezzled.

- They arrested Mr. Douglas for embezzling $50,000?

I don't believe it, they must have the wrong man.

- Yeah, that's what he's trying to tell the sheriff

and that Boston detective.

He claims there's somebody around here

that looks just like him.

Huh, well they're never gonna let him go

with a story like that.

They did.

Yeah, we were just talking about you Mr...

- Hey which one of you fellows runs this store?

- No they didn't.

- Didn't what?

- Ah Hank.

Well you let me wait on the stranger?

- That's no stranger, that's Mr...

- What can I do for you, sir?

- My car ran out of gas, you have any?

- I keep a can down here for emergencies.

All right, put your hands up.

Not you, Hank!

- Yeah, what do you think you're doing?

- You're under arrest.

Put them on.

- Mister, I don't know what you think you're doing,

but you're making a big mistake.

- Okay Sam, I got them on, now what?

- Oh perfect!

Call the sheriff!

- Oh yeah.

Sheriff!

Use the phone!

- I've never seen anything like this in my life,

they could be identical twins!

You know which one is Douglas?

- Mm-hm, I'm Douglas.

- What do you mean you're Douglas?

I'm Douglas, Sheriff, you've been out to my farm,

you've seen me before.

- Yeah, you seen me dozens of times.

- He's never seen you before.

- I don't know which one is which.

- Wife ought to know.

- Yeah, my wife will know.

- What do you mean your wife?

- Get her.

Mrs. Douglas,

will you come in here please?

- Lisa.

- Oliver!

- Lisa!

- Oliver?

- Which one is your husband?

- That one.

- Lisa!

- No, that one.

No.

Have you got another one? - Lady!

- Wait a minute, there is one simple way to find out.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

- Lisa.

Why don't you ask us a few personal questions

that only the real Oliver Douglas could answer?

- That's a good idea.

- Lady, ask him something.

- All right.

What did you do before you were a farmer?

- I was a lawyer.

- Right.

- What did you do?

- I was a lawyer.

- So far they're even.

- Ask him where we were married.

- Oh, are you two married?

- I mean where you and I married?

- You don't remember?!

- Of course I, it was Paris!

- Where were we married?

- In Paris.

- They're still running neck and neck.

- Lisa you're giving him the answers.

- Keep out of this Charlie!

- I'm not Charlie!

- There is one sure way to tell.

The smooch test.

- The what?

- A wife can always tell her husband

by the way he kisses.

- I'm not gonna have you kissing...

- Could you keep him quiet, please?

- Well?

- One more time.

Ah, uh.

Lisa.

Lisa will you.

- Take it easy, you'll get your turn.

Lisa will you

stop kissing please?

- Oh.

I don't have to look any further.

I take this one.

- Wait a minute you didn't kiss me?!

- Well Oliver wouldn't like me going

around kissing strangers, Charlie.

- That's right, Charlie.

- Look, I've...

- All right Foster, let's go.

- Now, wait, just a minute!

Ah, I know something about her

that he couldn't possibly know.

- She does?

- Yes.

- Where?

- Oh no, no, no.

I'll write it on a piece of paper

and you let him write it on a piece of paper, too, hm?

- Well I... - You want proof don't you?!

- All right.

Deputy give them both a piece of paper and pencil.

- Oh, what's the question?

- The question is,

where does the lady have a mole?

- That was one of the most embarrassing things

that ever happened to me.

I had to get undressed in front of the matron

and let her see where my mole was.

- Only I would know it was on your left hip.

Uh, Lisa.

I had a feeling that all along you knew

which was which.

- Yes I did.

- Well then,

why did you spend so much time kissing the other fellow?

- Why did you spend so much time in the motel

with the other girl?

- That wasn't me, that was him!

- Just a second.

Where do you think you're going?

- To bed!

- Oh no you're not.

How can I be sure that you are the real

Oliver Wendell Douglas?

- Oh for...

- Would you write down on a piece of paper

where you have your scar?

Gladly.

Satisfied?

- Yes, you can get into bed now.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Charlie.

This has been a Filmways presentation darling.