Original subtitles

- Mr. Douglas!

Good grief!

What are you sitting there for?

You haven't got time to read the paper.

- Eb, will you put...

- You've gotta get dressed!

We've been invited to the Wheelers' for supper.

- Will you give me back the paper?

- What's going on here?

- Darlene's folks have invited us to supper.

They feel that as long as

Darlene and I are gonna get married,

they oughta get to know my folks better.

- Eb, we are not...

- Darlene's father wants to look you over

and see if you can pass muster.

- If we can pass muster?

- I am sure we can, Eb.

- Oh, it's not you I'm worried about.

It's him.

Now get dressed!

- Look, now, see here...

- Mr. Douglas, the first meeting of the two families

is one of the most important parts of a courtship.

If you and the Wheelers don't hit it off,

it could be a scar on our nuptuals

for the rest of our lives!

- A lot of people have scarred nuptuals.

- Eb is right.

We've got to make a good compression.

- May I have the paper, please?

- Mr. Douglas, it's important.

All I'm asking you to do is to go over there

and act like a human being for a couple of hours.

- I am not going!

- Mrs. Wheeler's cooking a special dinner for the occasion!

Baked ham, candied yams, chocolate cake.

- A baked ham?

Candied yams, huh?

Lisa, what are we having for dinner?

- Your favorite, onions hotcakes.

- Onions hotcakes, huh?

Eb...

Tell the Wheelers we'll be delighted

to accept their invitation.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good-bye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Lisa, did you...

What are you all dressed up for?

- For the Wheelers.

There's your dinner jacket.

- I'm not wearing a dinner jacket!

- Don't you want to pass the mustard with the Wheelers?

- Pass the mustard?

- Darling, it's for Eb!

- Lisa, Lisa, why should we get mixed up in this?

We're not his parents.

- He adopted us.

He loves us as we were his own parents.

He's proud of us.

- Why shouldn't he be?

We give him class.

- I know that deep down inside, you really love Eb.

- Yeah, that's true, but I...

- Well, then, wear your dinner jacket.

- Lisa, I'm willing to go to dinner,

but I am not wearing a dinner jacket.

- What is Mr. Wheeler going to think of you?

- I don't care what he thinks.

We don't get along too well, anyway.

- If you're not wearing your dinner jacket,

I am not going.

- Fine.

- I'll put some more onions in the hotcakes batter.

- I'll wear the dinner jacket.

- Is Mr. Douglas ready yet?

- Oliver!

- What are you made up for?

- What do you mean, what am I made up...

- What are you trying to do, show up Mr. Wheeler?

Wearing that monkey suit to make him feel small?

Boy, you'd do anything to bust up my romance.

- Eb, I... - Unless you take that off,

I'm not going!

- Now, look... - Oliver, take it off.

- But you wanted to... - Take it off!

- Gladly!

- Oh, just a moment.

Let me look you over first.

- Am I all right?

- Well, your shoes could stand a better shine.

Let me see your nails.

- Oh, cut it out, you!

- Hi, Eb!

- Hi, Darlene!

Supper ready?

- Is that the way to greet your best girl?

- Oh.

Is supper ready?

- Oh, boy.

- You know my folks.

- Course!

You look lovely, Mrs. Douglas.

- Thank you.

So do you.

- Won't you come in?

- Wipe your feet.

- Dad, the Douglases are here.

- Hiya, folks, I...

- Hello there, Mr. Wheeler.

- Didn't anybody tell you it was for dinner?

- Well, I was wearing my...

- At least your wife has a little class!

Look here, Wheeler...

- He don't like nobody to raise their voice to me.

- I apologize for his appearance, Mr. Wheeler.

He's very gauche.

Eb, I don't...

- He don't like it when you raise your voice to me, either.

- Mr. and Mrs. Douglas.

I'm so glad you could come.

- Hello there, Mrs. Wheeler.

It's so nice to see you.

- Lottie, I don't know why you made me put this on.

I could've wore my old suit like he did.

This is not...

- Dirty...

- You want to sit down on the porCh with me, Darlene?

- I'd love to, Eb.

- Hey, just a second!

Come here.

Now remember, you two.

You ain't married, you ain't even engaged, so just talk.

No contact!

- No, sir.

- Aren't you a little old-fashioned, Wheeler?

- What are you, one of those pinkos?

- No, I am not.

- I understand, Mr. Wheeler.

My father was very strict, too.

He would never let me go out on a date alone with a fellow.

- No, he always used to get a date of his own and go along.

- Well!

- Eb is right.

You are gauche!

- Look... - I've got to baste the ham.

- I'll help you.

- Why don't we sit down and get comfortable?

Thank you.

- Not there, dummy, that's the dog's chair!

- Look, Wheeler... - Over there.

This collar's rubbing me the wrong way.

You know, Douglas, it might help

if you and me get to know each other a little better.

- Fine.

- Would you like a drink?

- Yes, I'd love one.

- We don't keep liquor in the house.

We're teetotalers.

- Well, then why did... - Do you drink much?

- Yes, I like a drink before dinner.

- How 'bout after dinner?

- Once in a while.

- During dinner?

- Well... - You drink pretty good.

Ever think of trying AA?

I don't...

I don't need AA.

- That's what all you alcoholics say.

- Mr. Wheeler, I am not an alcoholic.

I take an occasional drink.

- How 'bout your son?

Does he drink?

- He's not my son.

- Good, then he can't inherit

your tendency for being a boozer.

Now let's discuss some of your other personal habits.

I've had about enough...

- Don't make no sudden moves.

- Dinner is served.

- May I escort you?

- Thank you.

- Father, call the children in.

And where is Mr. Douglas?

- That was a great meal.

Your wife's a good cook.

- Yeah.

Your wife cook?

- Uh, yeah, she cooks.

You wouldn't want to eat it, but she cooks.

- Well, like I always say, when you get married,

you either get a looker or a cooker.

Now let's sit down.

- Yes, thank you.

- Speaking of marriage, there's a couple of things

you and me ought to discuss about the kids.

- Fine.

- Now, about the dowry...

You know I ain't a rich guy,

but Darlene is my daughter,

and I want to give her everything I can.

- Well, that's understandable.

- What I've decided is to give the kids

$500 for a wedding present.

- That's very generous of you.

- 'Course, I'll have to put a fourth mortgage

on the farm to get it.

- You shouldn't do that.

- It's the least I can do after all you're doing for 'em.

- What I'm doing?

- Oh, Eb told me.

Giving him 40 acres and building him a house.

- I never...

- You're a pretty nice guy, for a boozer!

- Oooh!

Eb, why did you tell Mr. Wheeler

I was giving you 40 acres and a house?

- I was just trying to make you look good.

- I don't need any... - Why are you limping?

- Oh, somebody slapped me on the knee.

- Who were you bothering?

I wasn't bothering...

- What the?

- Oh, she learned that from Mr. Wheeler's dog.

- What's wrong with giving me 40 acres and a house?

- Yes, what's wrong with it?

- Lisa, please.

Eb, I'll tell you what I will do.

I'll give you two acres.

- And a house?

- Just two acres.

- Any two I want?

- Yes.

- I'll take these two, with the house and barn on it.

- Eb, just two acres.

Now that's more than anybody's family ever gave us.

- There we go with the old family food again.

- Well, if two acres is the best you'll do, I'll accept it.

I want to thank you both for being so good to me.

- Oh, that's alright, Eb.

We love you very much.

- Golly.

I may cry.

- Look, later, we got work to do.

- I can't work this morning.

Darlene and I are supposed to go down to the gas station

and pick out our silver patter.

- To the gas station to...

- They are not as lucky as we were.

Remember when we got married,

and my father gave us all the royal silver

from the royal palace?

- Oh yeah, the royal silver.

It said US Navy on it.

- It came with a battleship the president gave my father

when he was elected the king.

- The only battleship your father ever had was your mother.

- Well?

These are the two acres I picked out, Darlene.

- They're beautiful, Eb.

- Yeah, and they're all ours.

Or at least they will be, when community property sets in.

- It's so exciting.

Where should we build the house?

- Well, I thought right here.

See, this can be the living room right here,

with the dining room right here.

This can be the kitchen.

This can be the bedroom.

And we'll put the nursery right here.

- Well, we won't need a nursery right away.

- Where else would we grow flowers?

- Oh, I thought you meant the other kind of nursery?

- What other kind is there?

- For the children!

- Oh, have you got children?

You never told me!

- Eb, will you be serious?

- Sorry.

I get so used to playing the court jester for Mr. Douglas

that sometimes I forget I have a serious side.

What kind of a house should we build?

- Eb, before we talk about houses,

don't you think we should set a wedding date?

- I thought we'd get married

as soon as we get the house built.

- How long will that take?

- Not so long, once we get the money.

- How much do you got saved?

- $538.

That includes the $500 your father's giving us.

- Eb, you mean you only have $38 saved?

- I had 42, but I had to spend $4 of it

for gas to get our first silver plate setting.

- You can't build a house for $538.

- Darlene, just leave the financial stuff to me.

- You want me to lend you... How much?

- $8,000.

- I'll get your checkbook.

- Oh, don't bother.

Eb, I'm not gonna lend you $8,000.

- Then how am I gonna get my house built?

- Yes, how is he going to get his house built?

- Lisa, I gave him the land.

The house is his problem.

- But Mr. Douglas!

- Eb, you're not getting married tomorrow.

Save up for it.

- Do you have any idea how long it'd take me

to save $8,000 on the salary you pay me?

- If Darlene is any kind of a girl, she'll wait for you.

- 948 years?

- I'll get your checkbook.

- Lisa, will you...

Eb, you don't have to have the whole $8,000.

You can borrow enough for the down payment,

and get a mortgage for the rest.

- How much would I have to borrow?

- $2,000.

- I'll get your checkbook.

- Eb, I am not lending you the money.

If you want to get married and have a house,

it's your responsibility.

- Well, if you're not gonna help me,

I'll get the money somewhere else.

- Oliver.

Why don't you want to help the boy?

- Lisa, he's got to learn how to stand on his own two feet.

- Oliver, Shakespeare once said,

"There is no quality in mercy unless you strain it."

- "There's no quality in mercy unless you strain it?"

- His exact words.

- If Shakespeare wrote stuff like that,

no wonder he died broke.

You mean that Eb tried to borrow $2,000 from you?

- Yep, I haven't got that kind of money.

Fact, nobody in the whole valley has that kind of money.

- He has.

- If I'd had it, I woulda lend it to him.

- He wouldn't.

- Well, he was very business-like.

He offered to put up collateral.

- What kind of collateral?

- His turtle, his two-and-a-half blade Boy Scout knife,

a bag of assorted marbles,

and an autographed picture of Ozzie and Harriet.

Yeah, sorry I couldn't help the boy out.

I'd like to see him get married soon.

That Darlene's a nice girl.

- Yes, she is.

- Mack Wheeler told me the two of you

were over there for a negotiating dinner.

- Yes.

- Told me he spent almost the whole night

trying to talk you out of drinking so much.

- I don't drink that much.

- She learned that from Wheeler's dog.

- How?

- Eb sure is trying hard to borrow that money.

He hit Red Zeppo for it and Newt Kiley.

'Course, he didn't have no more luck with them

then he did with Ben Miller.

- Ben Miller?

He's asking everybody.

- I wonder who he'll go to next.

- So, you need $2,000.

No problem, my boy.

Oh, before I let you have the money,

do you have any collateral?

- It says right there that collateral's a dirty word.

- Well, my company is rated X.

- But, Mr. Haney, I need the money!

- And you shall have it.

Oh, by the way, according to federal law,

I am forced to disclose my interest rates.

I charge one half of 1% per month on the unpaid balance,

except February, which has 28.

Now, this comes to a little more than

29 1/2% per annum compounded intermuraly.

- How much would the interest be on $2000?

- $2800 a year.

- $2800?

- Which we deduct from the $2000 we lend you,

and that means you owe me $800.

May I have it, please?

- I don't have $800!

- How much do you have?

- 38.

- The exact charge for the paperwork necessary

to excommunicate your loan.

May I have it, please?

- No, I'm not borrowing any money from you.

I think you're a crook!

- Would you care to retract that libeluous statement?

- No!

- In that case, shall we get back to discussing the loan?

- I am not borrowing any money from you.

I'll get it somewhere else.

- Oh, hello, Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, hi, Mr. Kimball.

Hey, could you do me a favor?

Hold this rope for me while I go up

and pull that bale of hay to the hay loft.

- Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, before I forget,

I heard about Eb and Darlene.

Congratulations.

Say, you oughta be more careful.

- Oh, you miserable!

- Yeah, you oughta watch it,

now that you're gonna become a father.

- Look, I...

Father?

- Or is it father-in-law?

Well, it doesn't make any difference,

as long as you're keeping the family up.

- Look...

- Wonderful thing you did for Eb,

giving him those two acres of land and $2,000.

- I didn't give him $2,000.

- You didn't?

Gee, I met him up in Picksley,

and he had a wad of bills that thick.

Oh, it wasn't that thick.

It was, uh...

Well, it was two $1,000 bills.

- You saw them?

- Saw who?

- The two $1,000 bills.

- No, they were $1,000 bills.

There was two of them.

- Did Eb say where he got the money?

- Where he got the money?

No, I don't believe he did.

- That's very interesting.

- It certainly is.

Eb got the $2,000.

- See, this proves he can stand on his own two feet.

All he had to do is use his little brain.

- I am very proud of him.

- I wonder where he got the money.

What's that?

What's going on out here?

What's go... Hey, hey!

What's all this?

- Oliver! - What?

- Why did you buy all that stuff?

- I didn't buy this stuff.

Come on, what are you doing with this?

- Here you are, mac, three bucks.

- Three bucks?

What's this for?

- That's the dumping charge, ain't it?

- What's a dumping charge?

- Why, it's a...

Look, get this stuff out of here!

This is not a dump!

- Looks like one to me!

- Now, see here...

- I'll be back in an hour.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute here.

Come back here!

Take this money!

Hey, take it!

Come back here, ya...

- Isn't this the same kind of whiskey you drink?

- Lisa, I got enough trouble without you...

Hey, hold it, hold it!

Hold it!

I'll get this... Hey!

What do ya think you're doing?

- Dumping this junk.

- This isn't a dump!

- Sure looks like one to me.

- I'm not interested in what you think!

I want you to get this thing... Hey!

Hey, hold it!

Hey, stop that!

Outta here!

Maniac!

- Shoot, shoot.

They certainly sell a lot of that whiskey you drink.

- I don't drink...

- Here's your three bucks, Dooley.

- My name isn't Dooley.

- Sign at the gate says Dooley's Dump.

- My name is Douglas!

- Oh, you work for Dooley.

- No, I...

Look, I want you to put all that stuff back in the truck...

- I'll be back in an hour.

You'd better be back!

- Oliver.

Oliver, when did you start working for Dooley?

- I don't work for... - Holy Toledo!

What happened here?

- Two trucks came up and dumped all this junk.

- They weren't supposed to dump it here.

They were supposed to dump on my two acres.

I sold them to Mr. Dooley for $2,000.

- Isn't Dooley the fellow you're working for?

- Lisa, I...

What did you sell your two acres for?

- He told you, for $2,000!

- Will you go hunt for whiskey bottles?

- There aren't anymore!

- Now I've got the down payment for my house!

- Eb, has it occurred to you,

now that you've sold the land,

you don't have a place to build your house?

- That's no problem.

You'll give me two more acres, won't you?

- I'll give you... - I was wrong.

There is another one.

- You go back to Dooley and give him his money back!

- But... - Give him his money back!

- But... - And get rid of this junk!

- But I... - Now!

- I don't know why you made Eb

give the money back to Mr. Dooley.

You did very well in the dump business.

You made $6, which is more than you made

on the farm in a whole month.

- I didn't give Eb the land to sell.

I gave it to him to build on.

- Where is he going to get the money to build with?

- That's his problem.

Who's that?

Yes, what can I do for ya?

- Where should I park this?

- What?

- Well, this is the Green Acres Trailer Camp, isn't it?

- Formerly Dooley's Dump.

- Lisa... - Here's your $5, mack.

We're just staying one night.

- This is better than the dump business!

- This isn't a trailer camp.

- Well, the sign down by the road

said Green Acres Trailer Camp.

- I don't care what it says.

Here's your money.

- I'll take that.

Follow me, sir.

- Eb!

What did I tell you?

- Not to sell the land.

You didn't say anything about renting it.

Right this way, sir!

- Oliver.

Why don't we go to bed?

- No no, not until Eb takes that sign down.

I don't want any more trailers pulling in here tonight.

- You must admit, he has initiation.

- Initiative.

- You know, he reminds me of you

when we wanted to get married,

and you were trying to make money as a laywer,

and you threw your first case.

- I didn't throw it.

I lost it.

- The judge said that the only way

to lose that case was to throw it.

- Lisa... - I took the sign down.

You can go to bed now.

- Good, and I don't want any more of your shenanigans.

Good night.

- Good night, Eb.

- Good night.

- Now we can go to bed, hmm?

- Excuse me.

Where's the bathroom?

- In there.

- Thank you.

- Who's that?

Eb!

Eb?

Eb!

- What are you calling him for?

- Because I... - Yes, sir?

- Eb, who's in our bedroom?

- Oh, I guess I forgot to tell you about them.

- Them?!

- Yes, sir.

You see, when I was taking down the sign,

this young couple drove up,

and they said they had just gotten married

and didn't have any place to spend their honeymoon,

and, well, I rented them your room.

- Isn't that nice?

- What do you mean you...

- Oh, here's your half of the $10 they gave me.

- I don't want it!

He... - Thank you very much.

Good night.

- Darling, wait a moment.

I have a present for you.

There you are.

- Thank you! - You're welcome.

- I'm gonna tell all my friends

to spend their honeymoon here.

A beautiful bedroom, three meals a day,

and a bottle of champagne for only $20.

- $20?

- Good night.

- Night!

- Eb?

- Okay, I'll give you the other five in the morning.

Good night!

- Wait a minute.

Where are we supposed to sleep?

- We can sleep in the barn.

- Sure, if you don't mind all the horses.

- Horses?

- Oh, I guess I forgot to tell you about that.

I'm boarding six horses for three weeks at $2 a week.

- Eb!

- You'll get your cut.

Good night!

- Eb, come back!

- Shh!

You're disturbing the honeymooners.

- I don't...

Lisa, where will we go to sleep?

- How about the backseat of the car?

- The backseat?

- I have the other bottle of champagne.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.