Original subtitles

- And now what else Eb?

- Oh Mrs. Douglas needs a loaf of white bread.

- Sliced or unsliced?

- Are those the only two kinds you have?

- Yeah.

- It's a big decision.

- If it ain't right I'll have to bing it brack.

- You can't bing back bed, uh, brack bing.

What else do you need?

- Let me see, uh?

- Excuse me, I'm looking for Mr. Drucker?

- That's him.

But I'm younger.

- I'm Carol Kenworthy.

- Oh well it's nice to see ya, I've been expecting ya,

welcome to Hooterville.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, welcome.

- Ab, you clumsy!

- Instead of hollering at me,

why don't you introduce me to the beautiful young lady?

- Miss Kenworthy this is Eb Dawson.

- Hi.

- Eb this is Miss Kenworthy our new school teacher.

- School teacher wow-ee.

- Eb do you want something else?

- Yes sir, a pencil box, a composition book,

a lunch pail and twelve erasers.

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- What do you want with your coffee?

- Well I'd like, - Keep it simple.

- Toast, is that simple enough?

- Under normal circumstances yes.

But not today.

- Why not?

- Eb didn't bring back the bed.

- What?

- I sent him for a loaf of white

but he didn't bing it back.

- We have whole wheat bead.

Uh, bread.

- I'm sorry I can't make whole wheat toast.

All I know how to make is white bread toast.

- You make whole wheat toast the same way.

You just put the whole wheat bread in the toaster.

- We don't have a whole wheat toaster.

- We don't have a whole wheat toaster?

- I just said that.

- Just put it in the toaster, it'll do both.

- Maybe you're right, it says light and dark.

I guess you set it to the light for the white bread

and dark for the whole wheat bread.

- You figured it out.

Not well, but you figured it out.

- I could have figured it out before

if you didn't throw away the instructions.

- Yeah I'm sorry.

- Living with you isn't easy.

- Uh Lisa.

Eb where have you been?

- Drucker's Store

- Well what took you so long?

- I stopped to fall in love.

- He stopped to fall in love.

- There he goes with the instant replay again.

Who's the girl Eb?

- Her name is Carol Kenworthy and

what's burning?

- Oh oh the toast.

- Golly Mrs. Douglas you oughta now better

than to put whole wheat bread in a white bread toaster.

- He told me too.

- You should now better than to listen to him.

- Look Eb I,

- As I was saying her name is Carol Kenworthy.

She's the new school teacher and she's beautiful

and I'm in love with her

- You just met her and you fell in love with her?

- Why not?

Love ain't like booze, you don't have to age it in a cask.

- What a poetic way to put it.

You used to say things like that to me.

- I never said anything like,

- Would you like to meet her?

- Yeah, sometime.

- How 'bout now, she's out in the car.

- She's out in the?

- She's gonna be living here.

- What?

- Well I thought it'd be handy having the woman I love

living near me.

I'll go get her.

- Oh I'm terribly sorry Miss Kenworthy,

but Eb mislead you, we don't have an extra room.

- She can have my room.

- And where are you going to sleep?

- I'll move my crib into your room.

- Eb will you just relax.

Now I'm sure we'll be able to find a room for you somewhere.

- Well I hope so, you see I'm anxious to get settled.

This is my first teaching job.

- I wanted to be a teacher but my father wouldn't let me.

He said, it wouldn't look right for the daughter of the king

to be teaching the peasants.

- Oh boy.

- You're father was a king?

- Well not a full time king, you see he looked very much

like the real king so every time there was a revolution

they'd shove my father out on the balcony

and they let him shoot at him.

That's the way he worked his way through college.

- There's a piece of history you might want

to teach the kids in your class.

- Oh I'd be glad to come and tell them myself.

- That would be very nice.

- This ain't getting Carol a room.

- Well let me call around and see what.

Excuse me.

Oh hello Mr Kimble.

- Hi Mr Douglas.

Oh how are you Mrs Douglas.

Say you changed your hair, it's very becoming.

- That's Miss Kenworthy, the new school teacher.

- Oh, how are you Miss Kenworthy.

It's about time we got a good looking school teacher

around here

- That's Mr Kimble our county agent.

- Well how do you do Mr Kimble?

Boy what a coincidence, you have the same name as my name

and you're a county agent too huh?

- I'm not a, - Why bother.

- What can we do for you Mr Kimble.

- Who you talking to, him or me?

- You.

- Let's see, oh yes, I stopped in at Sam's store

and he tells me there's a new school teacher in town.

- This is she.

- Oh gee, glad to, - Stop, she.

- Oh you're the new schoolteacher, huh?

I'm sorry I am a little confused today.

- Today?

- Well I didn't sleep all night.

I had this horrible nightmare,

I dreamed that I was living at some foreign country

and I looked just like the king and there was a revolution

and they shoved me out on the balcony

and the pheasants were shooting at me.

- Why that's the same thing that happened to my father

but in real life.

- Say, maybe you two are related?

- To what?

- To?

- Anyway, Sam tells me that you're looking for a room.

- Yes I am.

- Yeah maybe I can help you out.

My mother has a spare room at our house.

- Ah, do you think she'd rent it to me?

- Why not, she used to rent it out to my father.

That's a family joke.

- I thought you were the family joke.

- Oh that's very funny.

Well not funny, it's sick.

- It would be very nice, Mrs Kimble has a lovely house.

- Well if you think your mother would rent me,

- Oh I'm sure she'd be happy too.

My mother always wanted a daughter around the house

and well if you came and moved in

I wouldn't have to wear a dress on Sundays.

- A dress?

- Don't worry Miss Kenworthy,

his mother has all her marbles.

- Coming,

oh hello there darling.

- Hi Mrs Douglas is Eb here?

- No he went over to Mr Kimble's house.

- Oh well I really wanted to see you.

I need an older women's advice.

- I'll tell her when she comes in.

- Oh, I didn't mean that,

well I meant someone a couple years older than myself.

- Oh well then you came to see the right person,

what's your problem?

- Well Eb invited me to the Y dance Saturday night

and this is the only thing I have to wear.

And I wonder if you think it looks alright?

- Well why don't you go into the bathroom and slip it on.

It's a lot easier than breaking them by hand.

- what do you think?

- Well it's, - You're right, it's a mess.

- The trouble is that you've got a pretty figure

and all this bows and sashes are covering up

all the good stuff.

- Well I wouldn't want to wear anything to daring.

- I didn't mean daring.

When you wear a dress, you shouldn't come right out with it.

You have to hint at it.

- I don't understand?

- Let me show you.

This is a hinter.

No this is a come right out with it.

Here is what you need.

A hanger-onner, you can have it.

- Oh no, you might need it.

- No, I can still hang on with what I've got.

- Wait til Eb sees me in this.

- Are you stuck on him?

- I like him better than any boy I know.

Mrs Douglas,

has he ever said anything to you

about how he feels about me.

- He said a couple of times how much he likes you.

- Really?

Did he ever mention anything about marriage?

- Sweetheart that's one word men never mention,

they go through life like there was no such word,

it's up to the woman to drag the word out of them.

- How do you do that?

- I tell you how I did it with Mr Douglas,

we were going together for two years

and my mother started to complain about all the free dinners

he was having in our house, so one night when he came over

before he could say what's for dinner,

I said, guess who's wedding we're invited to?

And he said, who's?

And I said, ours.

And before he could uncross his eyes,

we were on our honeymoon.

- Oh Mrs Douglas,

- Maybe it wasn't quite like that.

Well if you need anything else, just let me know.

- Eb,

Eb,

Eb?

Eb?

- Eb?

- What the?

- Who're you looking for?

- Well is there another Eb around here?

- I don't know let's find out.

Eb?

Eb.

- You stop.

Now where have you been?

- I went over to the Kimble's to help Carol get settled.

- You've been gone over two hours.

- She took a lot of settling.

I had to unpack her clothes, draw her a bath

and paint her room.

- Settle her on your own time, we got a lot of work to do.

- Mr Douglas can I have an advance on my salary?

- No.

- But I've got a date with Carol Saturday night,

I'm taking her to the Y dance.

- I hope you have a good time, now if we,

- Eb, Eb, you had a visitor, Darlene.

- Who?

- The girl you've been going with.

- What's her name again?

- Darlene Wheeler,

you know Eb I think she's in love with you.

- What was her name?

- May we please get to work?

- I loaned her a dress for the dance

you're taking her to Saturday night.

- Holy Dear Abby, I forgot I asked her.

Now I've got two dates.

- Well aren't you lucky now,

- Who's the other date with?

- Carol.

- But you just met her today.

You hardly know her.

- I drew her a bath and painted her room.

- Can we please get started it's almost.

- You can't do that to Darlene, you invited her weeks ago.

- That was BC.

Before Carol.

- You've been watching Hee Haw again.

- Well you just have to tell Carol that you can't take her.

- But Mr Douglas I don't want to.

- Let's get to work.

- How can I work with this hanging over my head?

- Would you be able to work if you have unemployment

hanging over it?

- That's right just sit there and read your book

as if nothing has happened.

- What?

- You men are all alike.

- What are you picking on me for?

- You're a man aren't you?

- Well yes but.

- Making a date with one girl and throwing her over

for another.

- I didn't make a date with anybody.

- Like father like son.

- Eb isn't my son and don't blame me for his fickleness.

- Then how taught him how to fickle?

- I don't know maybe he's just a natural born fickler.

- This isn't the first time you've done this.

- I haven't done anything.

- What about the time you stood me up for the red head?

- I never stood,

oh yeah, yeah, the red head.

- Inviting me to the Barrister Ball and then you call me up

and you told me you couldn't take me

because you had the measles.

- I did.

- Then how come you went to the dance with the red head?

- The doctor said the only thing that would cure my measles

was dancing with the red head.

- Now what kind of a doctor would say that?

- Any good witch doctor.

- Do you know what I did that whole night?

I stayed home and cried.

- Oh Lisa,

I, I might have dated the red head but who did I marry?

- Alright you're forgiven.

- Oh thank you.

- Now, now that that is settled,

what Ab and Darlene and Carol?

- Let them get another guy and make a movie of it.

Night.

- How does this one sounds, I call up Darlene

and tell her I can't take her to the dance

because I have a rare Scottish disease

called the Highland Flu and I'll see her

as soon as I'm better, then I take Carol.

- I don't think Darlene is gonna believe you have

something called the Highland Flu.

- Why not, you're wife believed

you had the red headed dancing measles?

- Look I just had,

- You don't happen to remember

the name of the witch doctor do ya?

- Eb, let's just finish up here.

- Yes sir.

How does this idea sound?

I pick up Darlene and take her to supper in a restaurant

when the check comes I tell her I forgot my money

I have to go home and get it.

- Eb she's not gonna believe.

- I leave her there and pick up Carol

and take her to the dance and have one fast dance

with her and then I tell her I have to go home

because I left the water running in my bathtub.

- Eb you gotta be out of your,

- I rush back to the restaurant, get Darlene,

and take her to the dance, when I get to the front door

I tell her I forgot my tickets I have to go home

and get them, I'll leave her there

and rush around to the back door

and have another quick dance with Carol.

How do you like it so far?

- Let's reduce this to it's simplest common denominator,

- What does that mean?

- If you'd rather go to the dance with Carol

all you have to do is go over and tell Darlene the truth.

That you're sorry but you're taking somebody else.

- I don't think that was very good advice.

- What's wrong with telling the truth?

- That's pretty strange coming from a fellow

who had the red headed dancing measles.

- Will you forget that and let's not discuss this any more.

The whole problem is solved.

No it's not.

- Howdy Mr Douglas, Mrs Douglas.

- Howdy Mr Zippo.

- Oh hello there Arnold.

What's the matter with Arnold?

He isn't his usual kipper self.

- Chipper.

- No he ain't he's in a mess of trouble.

Tell them about it Arnold.

- Oh that's terrible.

- If it wasn't for Curly Lambert I'd wash my hands

of the whole affair.

- Who's Curly Lambert?

- Annabelle's father.

- Who's Annabelle?

- The sow that Arnold's been going steady with.

- Oh she's cute.

- Look if you'll excuse me, I

- Don't go yet, we need your advice.

It ain't always stupid Arnold.

- What happened?

- Well, Romeo here made a date with Annabelle

to take her to a dance,

- To a?

- So Annabelle come over to the house and Doris fix her up

with a new ribbon for her tail.

Meanwhile, dimwit here, goes over to Crabbella Corners

and meets Penelope.

- Who's Penelope?

- She's the sow that works in the pool hall racking balls.

- How can a pig rack?

- So, Arnold invited Penelope to the dance,

forgetting about his date with Annabelle.

- I don't believe this whole thing.

- Anyway, Arnold wants to get out

of his date with Annabelle.

So I thought you might think up some kind of excuse for him.

- I'll give him the same advice I gave Eb.

Tell him to tell Darlene.

- He wants to know who Darlene is?

- Uh, Penelope.

- He doesn't want to break the date with Penelope,

he wants to break the date with Annabelle.

- Well whoever it is, let him do what I told Eb to do

just tell her the truth.

- Tell her the truth?

- That's what Mr Douglas said I should do.

- That sounds like the kind of stupid advice

he would give.

- Do you have any suggestions Mr Haney?

- Well, there's several things to do

in cases of mal du mare.

- Mal du mare?

- Sickness of the mare.

That's French for love.

You've heard the expression, la mare, la mare,

tu jour la mare.

- Oh yeah,

- Now since you want to break your date with Annabelle,

- Who's Annabelle?

- I'm sorry, that's the girl that Arnold is

having la mare trouble with.

- The girl I'm having trouble with is Darlene.

- Nah here's what I'd suggest, I want you to,

by the way do you got any money with you?

- Yes sir, three dollars.

- Oh that's too bad, all I've got

is a five dollar suggestion.

- I didn't know you were gonna charge me for advice.

- Oh I'm forced to being a charter member

of the love counselors of America.

- Don't you have any three dollar advice?

- Come to think of it I do,

may I have the three dollars please?

- There you are, now what's your advice?

- First you go over to Darlene's house

and borry another two dollars from her.

- Mr Haney I,

- Now after you get the money,

then you tell her that you'd like to take her to the dance

but your wife is unexpectedly returning from Schenectady.

- I don't have a wife in Schenectady.

- The town is not important, it's the sincerity

with which you tell her.

- Oh yes?

- My name's Wheeler, I'm Darlene's father.

- Oh yes, yes.

- Your son Eb was just over to see my daughter

and broke a date with her.

- Well he's not my,

- The girl has hysterics.

- Well I'm sorry but I,

- Maybe you don't care about your kid

but I'm not letting my daughter go out

with any boy who has a wife in Racine, Wisconsin.

- Racine?

- And if he ever comes near her again,

I'm gonna punch him in the nose.

- No you're not gonna punch him in the nose,

- Alright if you want to stand in for him.

- Why did you have to tell him

you had a wife in Racine, Wisconsin?

Because I didn't know anybody in Schenectady.

- That makes sense.

- Why did you tell Darlene a story like that anyway?

I thought you were gonna tell her the truth?

- Mr Haney said that was a stupid suggestion.

- Stupid?

- Anyway it worked, I'm off the hook with Darlene

and now I can take Carol to the dance

with a care free conscience.

- What's the matter Eb?

- I just had my rug pulled out from under me.

- What happened?

- Carol, she's not going to the dance with me.

- Why not?

- Her boyfriend's coming in for the weekend,

she's going with him.

- That's too bad.

- Now I don't have anybody to go with.

- Well, you never should have burned your bridgework

behind you with Darlene.

- Yeah,

- Maybe if you went over and apologized to Darlene

and told her the truth.

- What is the truth?

I've been living a lie for so long I've forgotten.

- Well, tell her that you are not married

and that you are sorry that you made up that story,

- It's worth a try.

- Take her a box of candy or some flowers.

- Thanks ma.

- He's a good boy.

- Here you are get your apologizing candy here.

A box of apologizing, oh excuse me Mr,

could you be interested, oh it's you Eb.

- Yeah.

- Where you going?

- Over to see Darlene and apologize.

- Without a box of candy?

- Look Mr Haney I'm in a hurry.

I've got to convince Darlene

that the story I told her wasn't true.

I'm not really married.

- Oh that should be easy to do.

- Do you think so?

- Yeah, especially if you have a divorce certificate

to show her.

- I don't have one.

- You don't have a divorce certificate?

Hark what is this that has sprung into my hands?

Well I'll be horned diddled.

It's a authenticated, fairly legal looking,

certificate of divorce.

Now you just show her this and she'll know

that you're no longer legally married.

- Mr Haney I,

- And all its gonna cost you is just eight dollars.

- Eight dollars, I don't have any money?

- That's all right, we'll just charge it to Mr Douglas.

Now what was the name of that city

that you was married in again?

- Racine, Wisconsin.

- Racine, Wisconsin.

- We need a little brown piece with a yellow edge.

- Oh?

- Yeah.

- How 'bout this one?

- That's green.

- Oh it'll work.

There you are.

- Well, now you got a yellow tiger with a green ear.

- Hi.

Is there any booze?

- What?

- My life is a shambles.

- Didn't Darlene make up with you?

- Yeah.

- Then why have you got down in your mouse?

- Maybe he's been chewing on his pillow?

- What happened Eb?

- I went over to Darlene's house and she didn't want

to talk to me because I was married

but I finally convinced her I wasn't.

I showed her my divorce certificate.

- What divorce certificate?

- The one you owe Mr Haney eight dollars for.

- You bought a?

- I finally blurted out the whole sordid truth

and she forgave me.

- Then you're going to the dance with her?

- No ma'am, - Why not?

- Well when I asked her to go to the dance

she said she couldn't go because we had to go to a wedding

and I said who's, and she said, ours.

The next thing I know, we're hugging and kissing

it was awful.

- I think it's wonderful.

- Just a second,

that wedding who's ours routine sounds familiar,

Lisa did you?

- Congratulations Eb.

- Lisa did you?

- Darlene's a wonderful girl,

when is the wedding?

- We really didn't decide that.

Well I'm going to sleep.

Maybe I can dream my way out of this.

- Alright Lisa, let's uh.

- Would you like to finish the jigsaw puzzle

or do you want to go to bed?

- I want to talk to you.

- That wasn't one of the choices.

- Lisa did you plant that idea in Darlene's head?

- Well I might have mentioned it,

I thought if it worked once, it might work again.

- Lisa you are, - I'm what?

- Hungarian.

- Well he won't be mad long.

This has been a Filmways presentation darling.