Original subtitles

- Oh, Lori, I'm so sorry you have to go home today.

- Me too.

- Did you have a good summer with us?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Lisa, we have to be at the airport in an hour, and...

What's that?

- They're blooping out Auld Lang Syne for Lori.

- How can they...

- This stack will be ready in a minute.

- If she eats another stack of those,

they won't be able to get the plane off the ground.

- Darling, when you get married,

don't marry a wise acre.

- Lisa, she's going to miss her plane.

- I'll get dressed.

- Have you got any money?

- Why, is there a charge for getting dressed?

- I need some cash for Lori's plane ticket.

- All I have is $2.00, in mad money,

that's why I can't afford to get mad too often.

- I'll stop at Drucker's and cash a check.

- I hate to go home.

I've had so much fun here.

- Well the country's done you a lot of good.

Oh, I say you've developed a lot muscle there,

sawing away at those things.

- Mrs. Douglas gave me the recipe,

so my aunt can make these for me.

- Is your aunt a good cook?

- Very good.

- Lets keep her that way.

♪ Green acres ♪ Is the place to be

♪ Farm living ♪ Is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out ♪ So far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan

♪ Just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you

♪ But give me Park Avenue ♪ The chores

♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air ♪ Times Square

♪ You are my wife ♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green acres we are there

- I'll only be a minute.

- Could I say goodbye to Mr. Drucker?

- Oh sure.

- Can I say goodbye to him too?

- Where are you going?

- To the airport.

- Oh, now stay in the car.

Look we all don't have to go in.

- Well Lori's going to leave soon,

and I want to spend every minute with her.

- Okay.

- Hey, can I turn on the radio?

- Yeah, go ahead.

- Hey, Mrs. Douglas, that's the song

your hotcakes were playing this morning.

- Oh, morning folks.

- Good morning, Mr. Drucker.

- Hey, good morning, Mr. Drucker.

We're in a kind of a hurry, could

you cash a check for us?

- I'm sorry you're leaving, Lori.

- I'm sorry, too.

- It's been nice having you around.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Drucker, could you please, the check?

- Our house is going to be very lonely without her.

- I'll bet it will.

- The check, please.

- You're gonna write to us, aren't you?

- Yes, sir.

- Mr. Drucker, please, would you cash the check?

- Oh, yes sir.

$50, huh?

You know, you're one of the few people

in the valley I'd cash a personal check for.

- Well, that's...

- I've been a store keeper for over 30 years,

and I've made it a policy never to cash personal checks.

Used to have a sign up there,

said no personal checks cashed.

- Yes, well...

- You know why I had it up there?

On account of Ben Miller.

Now there's a man that looks as honest as you,

and I cashed a check for him one day, and it bounced.

- Well... - Boing, boing, boing, boing.

- May I have the money please?

- Oh, sure.

$50, huh?

That's the same amount as Ben's.

- Yes.

- I'm sorry, I haven't got that much in the register.

- Well why didn't you...

- I've got it in my safe.

It'll only take a minute.

Well lets see, what was that combination again?

Oh, just a minute.

I've got it in the back room.

Oh, we're in quite a hurry.

- I just remembered.

I wrote it on the wall, right here.

I figured that was the safest place for it.

Nobody would figure I was stupid enough

to write it on the wall, right over the safe.

- No, they wouldn't.

- There's only one way to beat crooks today,

you've gotta...

- May we have the money, please?

- Oh, yes sir.

Now lets see.

Three, right.

That a three, or an eight?

That's the only trouble with this system,

I can't read my own writing.

I guess it's a three.

Well I guess it was an eight.

See, I got the burglar alarm, connected to...

- Somebody's robbing Mr. Drucker's safe.

Got you, you're not getting away from me...

- That's Mr. Drucker!

- Are you sure?

- Yes!

- Then what's he robbing his own safe for?

- Yes, sir?

- Oh, yes sir, can I help you?

- Yes, I'd like a ticket to New York, half fare.

- A half fare?

Just how old are you, sonny?

- It's not for me.

It's for her.

- Well how old is she?

- Eight.

- Pretty well developed for an eight year old.

- This is the little girl.

- Oh.

Now where to?

- New York.

- Round trip?

- One way.

- You realize, of course, that with

a one way ticket you're not allowed to watch the movie?

- Look... - And it's a brand new one, too.

Tom Mix in Apache Pass.

- Just give me a half fare ticket to New York.

- Alright.

Does the little lady have any preference about seating?

- I'd like to sit by the window.

- Well I'm sorry honey, but you see

the pilot is the only one on the plane

that has a window.

- The pilot's the only one who...

- That'll be $18.30.

- Is the plane ready?

- About as ready as it ever will be.

- When can the little girl get onboard?

- As soon as they bring back the ladder.

The ladder?

- Yes, you see the painters borrowed it.

They're painting the men's room.

- Maybe we oughta let Lori take the train.

- Hold on, look, don't get all up tight about this,

you see the company psychologist suggested

that we tell a few jokes to the passengers

to make them laugh.

- Oh.

- See that way it keeps their minds

off the holes in the wings.

- What?

- That's just a new funny, they just

gave it to me this morning.

- Here's Lori's bag.

Say, when can she get on the plane?

- As soon as they return the ladder.

- Oh, are they painting the ladies' room again?

- No, the men's room.

- Now Trans Pixie Airlines has a little present

for you honey, a package of toys

to help you wile away the time, while you're in the air.

- What's in it?

- A roulette wheel, a deck of cards,

pair of dice, an eye shade, and a dealer's apron.

We used to give these out on our Las Vegas flight,

but we had to cut it out.

You see one of the pilot's lost a plane at the crap table.

- Forget the jokes.

- Oh that's no joke, it actually happened.

- Look, I...

- You see, he rolled snake eyes, and...

Oh, they're bringing back the ladder,

you can board the plane now.

- What gate?

- That will be announced on the public address system.

- Alright, come on, lets go.

- Come on darling. - Okay, lets go.

- May I have your attention please?

- Will you...

- Trans Pixie Airlines, flight 27, non stop

to New York, via Dunphysville, Felsonville,

and Turkey Feather Junction, now boarding at gate six.

Passengers please stop at the Trans Pixie

Airlines counter, before boarding for their oxygen masks.

- Of all the...

- I'll get your mask for you, Lori.

- It's time to say goodbye honey, bye.

- Goodbye, Mr. Douglas. - Bye.

- Goodbye, Mrs. Douglas.

I'm going to miss you both.

- Oh, goodbye darling.

We're going to miss you, you were

like our own little girl.

- Here's your oxygen mask, Lori.

Now the man said be sure and save

the paper bag, because you might...

- Hey, hey, Eb.

- Bye, Eb.

- Oh, goodbye little sister.

And you write to me.

- Trans Pixie Airlines, flight 27 is

now ready to depart.

Will the little girl, with the gambling kit,

please get onboard?

- I don't believe this.

- Oh, you'd better get onboard.

Come on darling, hurry up.

Goodbye, Mr. Douglas, goodbye!

- Goodbye, Lori. - Bye!

Bye, bye!

- Oh, she's gone.

- Yeah, well... - Yeah, she's...

Gone, gone, gone!

- Eb, Eb, Eb.

- Oliver, I'm going to miss her so much.

- Lisa.

Lisa, aren't you going to get up, it's two o'clock.

- What's to get up for?

- Well...

- Without a child to keep you busy,

I don't have any porpoise in life.

- Porpoise?

You mean... - All I have to remember her by

is her little teddy bear.

- That's Eb's, he lent it to her.

Now come on, get up.

- Ah, yesterday when Lori was here

there was a reason to get up.

But today?

What's to get up for?

- Will you stop saying that?

- Oh, Oliver, I miss her.

- So do I.

- Then what do you get up for?

- Well because...

- Oh, it's so empty here without her shining little face,

and the laughter of her smile,

and the little pitter patter of her little feet.

- If you wanna stay in bed, stay in bed,

but I have got work to do.

- If there were something worth doing I'd get up.

- You could make lunch for me, and Eb.

- That's not worth getting up for.

- Oh, for...

- Maybe if I had something important to keep me occupied.

- Get up, and we'll discuss it.

- Oh no, I know that trick.

- What trick?

- You always say get up, and we discuss it,

and then I get up, and while we're discussing it,

a friend of yours comes, and steals the bed.

- Get up.

- What's to get up for?

- If you say that once more...

- Oliver, having Lori here gave me something to do.

Now I have to find something to keep me busy.

- Maybe you could go to state college,

and take an extension course?

- What for, I know how to use an extension.

You plug one end into the wall, and...

- Yes, an extension course would be a waste of time.

- Oliver, I need a purpose.

- If you had taken care of your porpoise,

you wouldn't need a purpose.

- Oliver.

Maybe I could find a job?

- You wanna work for me?

- That's right.

- Well...

- Since Lori left I don't know what

to do with myself, so I've got to find

a job to keep me busy.

- Well...

- You wouldn't have to pay me very much.

- Well...

- I've had experience as a sales girl,

when my father was the king I worked

in the souvenir shop he had on the first

floor of the palace.

- Well...

- I used to sell all kinds of souvenirs

to the tourists, like ash trays,

with my father's picture on the bottom.

Those were our best sellers.

People liked to grind out their cigarettes

in a king's mouth.

- Well I can see where...

- Then I used to have colored slides

of my father, sitting on his throne,

in various poses, six positions, for $1.

Course the biggest item we had was

a balloon, which you could blow up,

into a life size model of my mother, the queen.

- Oh, well that sounds...

- Anyway, I worked there for two years,

so you can see that I have some experiences in selling.

- Oh, yeah, alright...

- When do I start working?

Well...

- Here comes Mr. Kimball.

Let me wait on him, and show you what I can do.

May I help you?

- Oh, hi Sam.

Say, you got your blonde wig, and your dress on again?

- I'm not Sam.

I'm Lisa Douglas.

- Oh, well that's a natural mistake.

I mean when you walk in here you never

can tell when you'll find Sam parading around

in his blonde wig, and his dress.

- Hank.

- Who are you?

- Who do you think I am?

- Oh, Sam.

Hey you look better with your blonde wig on.

- Can I help you, Mr. Kimball?

- Nobody can help him.

- I resent your sarcasm.

Well I don't resent it, I don't understand it.

Now, what can I do for you, Mrs. Douglas?

- No, I'm waiting on you.

- You are?

- Mr. Drucker is trying me out.

I am looking for a job.

- Well it had to happen sooner or later, huh?

I knew Mr. Douglas would go broke,

the way he runs that farm.

- Hank, Mr. Douglas isn't...

- Sam, why don't you put a dull finish on your head?

The reflection's blinding me.

- Now look here, Hank... - Mr. Kimball.

Don't you want to buy anything?

- Well I can't think of anything offhand.

I can't think of anything on hand either.

But I wouldn't want you to get fired

because you need the job so badly,

so just pick out something, and put it on my bill.

Well I gotta get going, I have a...

Gee, I'm sorry to hear about your

husband going broke, though.

- I didn't do too good with him, did I?

- Oh nobody could.

Look, Mrs. Douglas, I really don't need

any help in the store.

- Is there any place you know where I could get a job?

- Not on hand.

Not offhand, but I'll ask around,

and if I hear of anything I'll let you know.

- If I don't get a job soon, well...

You've been very kind, thank you.

- Mr. Douglas!

Tell me it's not true, tell me it's not true.

- Alright, it's not true, let go of me!

- Don't you wanna know what's not true?

- Not particularly.

- You can't face it, huh?

- Face what?

- Being broke.

- Where did you hear that?

- It's all over town.

- Well it's not true.

- Then why did you send mom out to look for a job?

- Oh that.

- How can you toss it off so lightly?

There's that poor woman looking all

over town for a job, trying to save

you from going under, and all you can

say is, "Oh that."

- Eb...

- Mr. Douglas it's not a crime to lose all your money.

It's just stupid.

- Look...

- Don't worry, I'll help you out.

I'll work for nothing, you won't have

to pay me till you get on your feet.

- Fine.

- Buck up, you're not the first

dumb dumb to lose their money,

and you won't be the last dumb dumb to lose it either.

- Will you stop calling me...

- Don't worry, Mr. Douglas, you'll come back.

Eb, I...

Lisa.

Where you been?

- Everywhere.

I've been looking for a job.

Oh, my feet are killing me.

I must have walked at least...

- Lisa, there's a story going around that I'm broke.

- Oh yes, I heard that.

How did it happen?

- Look it didn't happen, I am not broke.

- Then why did you send me out to look for a job?

- I didn't...

- Don't worry darling, everything will work out.

Like my father used to say, "It's always

"darkest before you're born."

- Before you're...

- Even when things are the blackest,

remember that every crowd has a sliver in its lining.

- Yes, I'll remember that.

Every crowd has a...

- Don't worry, darling, I'll find a job.

- Lisa, you don't need a job, we've got money.

If you wanna do something to occupy

your mind, why don't you do volunteer work?

You know, they always need people

down at the County Welfare Department to do social work.

- That's something I could do.

You know I used to be very social

when we lived in New York.

- Well you be sure to tell them that, huh?

- Excuse me.

- Where are you going, lady?

- I want to see the Social Director.

- The place doesn't open for 10 minutes.

- Well, can I wait here?

- Go to the end of the line.

I wonder if them jewels is real.

Nah, they couldn't be, otherwise she

wouldn't be standing on the free soup line.

- Mrs. Douglas on the soup line?

They finally hit bottom.

- You saw what?

- I saw Mrs. Douglas on the free soup line,

in front of the County Welfare place.

- When did you see her, before or

after you went in the saloon?

- Fred, I know what I saw.

- I don't believe it.

- Why not, he's a kind of a dumb dumb

that would lose all his money.

- Well, if it is true, we oughta do something.

Lets take up a collection for him.

- You mean money?

- Yeah.

- Well now lets not do nothing hasty.

Maybe we oughta investigate a little,

find out just how bad off they are.

- I think Haney's right, Sam.

I'll drop over there and nose around a little.

- I never saw the Social Director,

but they were very nice to me.

They gave me a bowl of hot soup, and

they gave me this, they told me to give it to my husband.

- Yeah?

Why would they do that?

Oh hello there, Mr. Ziffel.

- Mrs. Douglas.

I...

Where'd you get that?

- The welfare people gave it to me.

- Well I'll be doggone.

- Is something wrong?

- I guess I must have dialed the wrong number.

- I wonder what's the matter with him.

- Are you sure it was your suit, Fred?

- Positive, I wore it 30 years

before I turned it in to the clothing drive.

- And Mrs. Douglas told you she

got it from the welfare people?

- Yep.

- Now, maybe you'll believe what I told you.

- Well it just doesn't seem possible...

Drucker's Store.

What?

Oh yeah.

What?

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sorry, I'll take care of it.

Well I'll be doggone.

- What's the matter?

- That was the bank.

The $50 check I cashed for Mr. Douglas bounced.

- Bounced?

- Boing, boing, boing, boing.

I never would've believed it.

- Well you should've known it, when

he sent her in to ask you for a job.

- She said she wanted something to

occupy her time, now that Lori went home.

- Sounds like the kind of story he'd make up

for her to tell.

- I don't think Mr. Douglas would do that.

- Well anybody that would send his wife

to the welfare department for soup,

and a suit would do anything.

- Well, we gotta do something to help 'em.

- Well I don't mind helping her...

- If you help one, we gotta help 'em both.

They work as a team.

- So knowing how desperate you are

for money, I went up to the pawn shop in Pixlie.

Eb, I am not...

- I'm sorry, but all the fella

would lend me on the watch was $8.

- Eb.

You pawned your watched because you thought I was broke?

- Not my watch, yours.

- What?

- Well I knew you were too proud

to let anybody see you going into a hawk shop.

- Oh, he's not too proud.

When we first got married, he was always

going into the hawk shop with my rings.

- I never went...

- Hey, I hope that eight bucks will help you out.

- Eb, can I please have my pawn ticket?

- What for?

- I'm going to get my watch back.

- But if you need the money...

- Eb, the pawn ticket, please.

- Okay, here.

- Well as well I'm about it, I might

as well take these back to the welfare people.

- Oliver, what happened?

- I tripped over that...

- Hey, it's a basket of food.

Who put that there?

- Who cares, now Ma won't have to stand

in a soup line anymore.

- Oliver, why did you order all that food?

- I didn't.

Well don't you know what this is, everybody thinks

we're broke, and they chipped in

and bought all this stuff for us.

- What a nice thing to do.

- Yes, but... I'm going to return...

Where's the car?

- Oh, I forgot.

$200 is the most they'd give me for it.

- I don't know who left it there, Mr. Douglas.

Do you, Fred?

- Nope.

- Me neither.

- Fellas, it was a very nice thing for you to do,

but we don't need food.

- Need another suit?

- I don't need anything, I've got money.

- Yeah, but how long can you go around

cashing bum checks?

- What?

- That check you give Sam bounced.

- Bounced?

- Boing, boing, boing, boing.

- Well why should a check of mine boing...

Bounce.

- 'Cause the bank said you don't have

no money in your account.

- Oh, that's ridiculous, I made a deposit last week.

I mailed it from here, you put the stamp on it.

You put it up on the shelf there.

- Mr. Douglas, I never put a letter up on the...

Yes I did.

- Oh.

Well.

Will you please get this to the bank,

and then put that check through again?

- Yes sir.

- Fellas, I want you to know how much

I appreciate that gesture you made.

- We're glad everything's alright for you.

- Well thank you, thank you very much.

- Now what are we gonna do with the basket of food?

- I know a little old lady who could use this.

- Well, who?

- My mother.

- Haney!

Haney, you come back here!

- Can you imagine?

People doing a thing like that for us,

because they thought we had lost all our money?

- That was very touching.

- I've always told you farm people are like that you know.

When you're in trouble they come to your aide.

Oh, they're not like the people in the

big city who wouldn't raise a finger to help you.

- I don't think that's true.

Remember the time when we were living

in New York, and you ran out of olives

for your martini, and the fellow next door

gave us a half a bottle.

- I'm talking about real problems.

- If you don't have an olive in your martini

it's a real problem.

- Lisa, you don't understand what I'm talking about.

People here in the country are more than just neighbors.

They care about one another.

You know, there's something about the soil,

brings people together.

What are you doing?

- I love the way you wiggle your mustache

when you make a speech.

- I haven't got a mustache.

- Oh.

Well then that must be Alfred.

- Who is Alfred?

- My aunt.

- Your...

- You were saying something about

people being closer together.

- Well I was talking about farmers.

- You're a farmer.

- Yes, but...

- Why don't you turn off the light,

and we'll talk about crops and things like that?

- Well, I guess a little crop talk wouldn't hurt, huh?

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.