Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and white

♪ Keep Manhattan, just gimme that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

What do you say, Sam?

- You want me to give you how much?

- Just $500.

- Close the door quietly on your way out, Haney.

- But Sam, we'll all be millionaires.

- Look, Fred, if you think this is such a great invention,

why don't you go to the bank and borrow the money?

- Because they'd want to know what it's for,

and then the secret would be out.

- Yeah, we want to keep it a closed corporation

between us three.

- And we're cuttin' you in for a third.

- How much you puttin' up, Haney?

- Nothin'.

That's the first rule of big business,

always use somebody else's money.

- Well, I ain't interested.

And even if I was, I haven't got $500.

- You can mortgage the store.

- There is a mortgage on it.

- Well, put a second on it.

- I've got a second on it.

- How 'bout a third?

- Look, I'm already up to six and pushin' for seven.

- But Sam, this is the greatest thing

that Luke ever invented.

- Well, how could a machine possibly make milk?

- Well, you'll see

soon as Newt comes with the proof.

- Look, I already got burned once

on one of Loony Luke's inventions.

I lost $50 on that electric spat buttoner of his.

But Sam...

- I got it.

Luke made it for me fresh while I was there.

- Now what more proof you want than that, Sam?

- That's no proof.

- Taste it.

- What's it taste like?

- Milk.

- Let's have the $500, Sam.

- You fellas go out and milk a cow and expect me to...

- This come from Luke's milk-makin' machine.

- I saw it work.

Luke put some hay in the top of this contraption,

and then he turned a couple knobs,

then the machine started gurglin' and thumpin.'

Then the bell rang,

and out came some milk at the other end.

- Out. - How 'bout the $500, Sam?

- Out!

- Well, ain't but one thing left to do.

We'll just have to go over and sweet talk it

out of Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, hi.

- Oh, Oliver?

Would you give me a couple of eggs from the icebox, please?

- Yeah.

- Oh, and I need some milk, too.

- Uh-huh.

What are you doing?

- I'm making a chocolate cake for desert.

- Lisa, you don't know how to make a chocolate cake.

- Well, it's very easy with this.

See?

- Bibber's Instant Cake Mix.

- You heard their slogan.

You can't make a booboo with Bibber's.

- No, I don't believe I...

- That has everything in it.

All you have to do is add milk and eggs to the contents.

- Well, that sounds like you, uh...

Uh... - Now the eggs. - Uh, Lisa... - One,

two.

It couldn't be simpler than this, could it?

- Uh, no, but...

- After adding the eggs and the milk,

mix the contents thoroughly.

Well, that ought to do it.

- Look, at that will do it...

- Place in a medium oven for 15 minutes.

- Uh, Lisa, don't you think you ought to use a pan?

- For what?

- To bake the cake.

- But it doesn't say so on the box.

- Well, I know, but I...

- Will you let me know when it's 15 minutes?

Uh, I, uh...

- Oh, and also answer the door, please.

- Uh, yeah.

- Think you better knock again.

- No, shh. I hear him comin'.

Smile.

- What the...

- Mr. Douglas, don't you look generous today?

Don't he look generous, Fred?

- Oh, he sure does. - Uh...

- May we come in?

- Yes, yes. Come in!

- Wipe your feet, Fred.

- Hey, hey, why don't you wipe yours?

- Because I don't own a pig farm.

- Well, gentlemen, what can I... - Oliver!

Is the 15 minutes up?

- Lisa, you just...

- Oh! Hello, Mr. Ziffel, Mr. Haney.

- Oh, hello, Mrs. Douglas.

- Mrs. Douglas, if you don't look

as pretty as a possum climbin' out of a barrel

of new sour gum.

- Why thank you.

- Thank you, what does that...

- Just wait, I'll give you boys a piece of chocolate cake

if you can wait 15 minutes.

- We'd be peckerwood proud to.

- Lisa, that cake isn't going to...

- Let me know when it's 15 minutes.

- Dog gone, Mr. Douglas, it don't seem fair,

you havin' a beautiful wife like that,

livin' in a expensive place like this,

havin' all that money in the bank.

- Money?

- It's strange that you should mention that word.

Ain't it, Fred? - I didn't...

- Haney, cut out the double talk.

Let's get down to business.

Mr. Douglas, we need $500.

- $500?

- Strange you should mention that amount, Mr. Douglas.

- Haney.

Will you lend it to us?

- Well, uh, would you mind telling me what you need it for?

- Investment.

- It's gonna make us a million dollars,

and we're gonna cut you in for a half

of one percent.

- Uh, yes, but what kind of an investment is it?

- You're gettin' a little nosy, ain't ya?

- Well, if you want to borrow it from me,

I think I have a perfect right to...

- Is the 15 minutes up?

- No, it's... - You let me know.

- Yes.

- Oh, you're gonna lend us the money?

- No!

- But you just said yes.

- I was talking to my wife.

- What about? - Well...

- Where do you keep your checkbook?

- Oh, we oughta get it in cash.

- You're not getting a cent

unless you tell me what you need it for.

- Should we let him in on it?

- You think we can trust him?

- He's the only one we know that's got $500.

- Well, that sounds like a good reason.

Show it to him.

- There you are.

Now, may we have a check?

- For what?

- What's it look like?

- Milk? - Taste it.

- What's it taste like?

- Milk.

- Good. The money, please?

- I'm not giving you $500 just for a taste of milk!

- Well, you would if you knew where it come from!

- I assume it came from a cow!

That shows how dumb you are.

- What?

- Mr. Douglas, this milk was hand made by a machine.

- A machine?

- Right. Luke Needlinger's milk-makin' machine.

You put hay in one end of it, put on the switch,

milk comes out the other end.

- What?

- It's the greatest thing since Bellmeister

invented the peach pitter.

- I never heard of...

- That's the one that revolutionized fruit salad.

- You two don't really believe that it's possible

for a machine to make milk?

- Ah, we sure do.

And it'll replace the cow.

- You are out of your minds!

- That's what they told Bellmeister

when he come up with the peach pitter.

But last year, the fruit salad people

threw him a testimonial banquet.

- Look, you cannot make milk with a machine!

- Well, that's beside the point.

Are you gonna lend us the money?

- I most certainly am not, and if I were you,

I'd forget the whole thing.

- Mr. Douglas, we didn't come over to get your advice,

we come over to get your money.

Come on, Haney.

- Of all the...

- Oliver, where is Mr. Ziffel and Mr. Haney?

- They left.

- But I was just going to give them some cake.

I was just going to take it out of the oven.

- Lisa, all you're going to find in that oven...

Well, I'll be a... How is that a...

Ooh!

How did you... - Taste it!

- It's good!

- That's why they say you can't make a booboo with Bibble's!

- I told them not to go over and bother you, Mr. Douglas.

- May I have another box

of Bibble's chocolate cake mix, please?

- Yes, ma'am.

I sure am glad you didn't lend them the money, Mr. Douglas.

- Believe me, I'm not lending anybody money

to put into some kind of a phony machine.

- How do you know it's foamy?

- Did you say chocolate?

- No, I said foamy.

- It's phony.

- Oh, not it isn't, Mr. Douglas.

You just put in the eggs and the milk...

- I'm talking about the milk-making machine.

- Why couldn't that work?

- Because it's ridiculous.

- Well, you said that about Bibble's,

but I noticed you're eating the cake.

- Uh, look, you know this Needlinger?

- Oh yeah, he's a crackpot inventor.

- Now why would anybody want to invent a cracked pot?

- Not, not a... he means he's a nut.

- Oh! Oh, that's what they said about Ziggety.

- Who's Ziggety?

- He's a fellow in Budapest

who invented the electric light bulb.

- I believe that was Edison.

- That's right! Edison Ziggety.

He was a very good friend of my fathers,

and if my father had invested in his light bulbs,

he would have been a millionaire today!

- Why didn't he?

- Mr. Ziggety never asked him.

- It's just as well,

your father would have drunk it all up anyway.

- Why, Oliver!

- Oh, hi, Hank!

- Oh, hi, Sam.

Mr. Douglas, Mrs. Douglas.

Yeah. Did I leave anybody out?

- Mr. Kimball.

- Sorry, Mr. Kimball, didn't mean to slight ya.

- Oh, you're all dressed up!

- Yes, I'm on my way over to see the chief,

punch him in the nose, and then resign.

Or should I resign first and then punch him in the nose?

No, I guess... - Why are you resigning?

- Not gonna be a county agent anymore.

Got a better job.

- Doing what?

- I'm gonna be a millionaire.

- Oh! I'm glad to see you getting ahead.

- Yeah, he could use one.

How do you figure to become a millionaire?

- Can you people keep a secret?

- Yes.

- Good.

Well, I'll be seeing you.

- Wait a second!

- Well, I haven't got much time!

I gotta get over to the bank before it closes.

Gonna borrow $500.

- 500?

Mr. Kimball, you're not thinking of investing

in a milk-making machine, are you?

- Oh no, I'm gonna invest in a...

Yes, I guess it is a milk-making machine.

- There is no such thing as a milk-making machine.

- Where'd you hear about that?

- Hank, you're not really going to invest

in that stupid machine of Luke's.

- Oh, I never saw his stupid machine.

All I saw was his milk-making machine.

- Well, Hank, that Needlinger's nothing but a screwball.

- Not Loony Luke.

- Loony Luke?

- He's brilliant.

Why, he's invented more things

than you can shake a stick at.

As a matter of fact, I think he invented

an automatic stick-shaker.

- He did?

Mr. Ziggety tried for years to invent one of those.

- Lisa, will you...

- Well, I'd better get to the bank.

- Ah, hold it, Mr. Kimball.

Look, I hate to see you borrow money and quit your job

without having somebody investigate this thing first.

- That makes sense, Hank.

- It does?

- Yeah.

Let me see just what this Needlinger's trying to pull.

- Oh, with his machine you don't pull anything!

You just press a... - I know!

- Look, where can I find him?

- Well, he lives up in the hills.

Now you take the county road

'til you come to a tall pine tree,

then you turn left and you come

to a bridge that's been washed out.

Now you drive over the bridge...

- Whoa now, how can I drive over a bridge

that's been washed out?

Oh, that's one of Luke's best inventions.

- I'll find it.

- Come in!

- Mr. Needlinger?

I'll be with you in a minute!

I'm just testing my wristwatch TV set.

- Your wristwatch TV...

Ahh, dog gone it,

them Beverly Hillbillies are funny!

You wanna see 'em?

Oh, there's no picture.

- Oh, dog gone, my color tube

must have blown out again.

- That's a wonderful invention!

- Lisa, I've seen enough, let's...

- But we didn't see the milk-making machine yet!

Oh, that's right over here!

There she is.

- That's wonderful!

Is this just an ordinary sheet?

- Yes, ma'am. - And you get milk out of it?

- Oh, no, no, no.

That's just the cover.

There, there.

- That's the thing that makes the milk?

- What else could you use it for?

Could we see it work?

- Well, yes, of course.

You see, it works on the same principle as the cow.

- How do they work?

- Well, a cow has four stomachs,

and the digestive juices in the stomach

transforms the hay into the milk.

And my machine does the same thing.

The secret thing is the chemicals that I put into it.

- Now are you convinced?

- I haven't seen anything yet!

- I'll show ya.

I have to put in some hay,

and I have to be careful not to put too much in

because if I overfeed the machine, it gets gas.

- How could a machine get...

- Now we'll start it up.

- Is it making the milk?

- No, ma'am. It's just chewing up the hay.

That's the automatic swallower.

The automatic...

- The digestive chemicals are being pumped in.

Now they're digesting, the process is starting.

- And this is gonna come out milk?

- Yes, as soon as the gong sounds.

You want to taste it?

- No thanks, I've already... - Let me.

Mm! It's good!

- Mr. Needlinger, may I congratulate you?

That is one of the hokiest contraptions I have ever seen.

- Oliver, are you insulting Mr. Needlinger?

- He's insulting me trying to make me believe

that this thing could actually manufacture milk.

- Well, it must have!

Where else did the milk come from?

- It was in the tank to begin with!

- How do you know?

- Well, you'll notice the tank is closed

so you can't see inside.

- Oh, oh, but I'll let you see inside.

Here, look.

- Oh that's impossible.

You must have it connected to something.

Uh,

well, no, it's not.

- Oliver, you owe Mr. Needlinger an apology.

- Oh, that's all right, ma'am.

People are always skeptical about new inventions.

- Yes, I can imagine what they said to Julius

when he invented the orange.

- To Julius when he invented the...

- Mm-hmm.

- Look, Mr. Needlinger,

if this really works, it's worth millions,

and yet you're willing to sell a share of it

for $500.

- Experimenting is expensive, and I need chemicals.

- Look, I've got a friend in New York

I'd like to bring out here.

- What do you want to bring her out here for?

- It's not a her, it's Charlie Williams.

He's the chief chemist

for the Hoffenbacker Chemical Company.

Now, would you object to his looking at your machine?

- Oh, no! No, not at all!

- Hello?

Who?

Douglas?

Put him on.

- Hello, Charlie! Oliver Wendell Douglas.

- Oliver Wendell?

- Remember, I was your roommate at Harvard!

- Oh, Dimples, how are you?

Well, I don't have dimples anymore.

- Oliver!

Who are you talking to?

- Charlie Williams.

- Oh? Send him my love.

- Yeah, Lisa sends her love.

- Who's Lisa?

- My wife!

- Oh, you finally married that redhead.

- No, I broke up with the redhead.

- What redhead?

- The one I broke up with.

No, no, Lisa's a blonde.

- Oh, the airline hostess!

- No, that was another blonde.

- Who was another blonde?

- The airline hostess.

- Well, we're going to have a lot to talk about

when you climb down from there.

Lisa, will you just... hello, Charlie?

- What happened to you, Dimp?

You just dropped out of sight!

- I gave up my law practice.

I bought myself a farm!

- Sounds great.

- Oh, it is.

You'll see for yourself when you get out here.

- Get where?

- Hooterville!

- Rooterville?

- No, no, hooter! Hooterville!

- And why do I want to go to Hooterhooterville?

- No, no, it has just one hooter in it.

- Well, it's been nice talking to ya!

- Wait a minute.

I have something I want you to look at.

- What is it?

- It's a milk-making machine.

- Milk-making?

What bar are you calling from?

- No, I'm not in a bar,

I'm on top of a telephone pole.

- Boy, you really are high.

- Charlie, I'm telling you there's a man out here

who invented a machine that makes milk.

Or it seems to.

Yes, he puts hay in one end, he turns it on,

and real milk comes out of the other end.

- Oliver, next time you're in New York,

let's have lunch together.

- Now Charlie, you know better than I do

the things that be made synthetically.

Rubber, nylon!

- And this machine makes that, too?

- No, no, just milk.

Charlie, with the world facing a foot shortage someday,

a machine like this would be invaluable.

Now if you'll just come out and look at it.

- I'd love to, but I'm very busy here at the lab

developing our automatic egg-laying machine.

You put chicken feed in one end

and eggs come out the other!

- Look, you don't have to be sarcastic.

- Oliver... - Look, if I send you a sample

of the milk that the machine makes,

maybe that'll convince you.

- All right.

You send it along and I'll analyze it.

- Oh, great, great.

And, uh, look, Charlie,

I wouldn't want this to get around, you know.

Keep it under your hat.

- Oh, don't worry about that!

Goodbye, Oliver!

Milk-making machine.

- Lisa, have you got a pen?

- Oh, you're going to write to the redhead?

- No, I want to address this milk sample

to Charlie Williams.

- Then you're going to write to the redhead.

- If you don't stop bugging me about her, I may.

- All right, I won't bug you about the redhead anymore.

- Good.

- Let's get to the blonde hostess.

- Look, isn't there a pen in the house?

- No, all we have in this house is a jealous wife

that wants to know about the blonde hostess.

- You can read all about her when I write my memoirs.

- How can you write your memoirs when you can't find a pen?

- I'll address it at Drucker's.

- Oliver, if you walk out that door

without telling me about the hostess,

don't bother coming back.

Oliver!

Oliver!

You forgot to kiss me goodbye!

Oh, for the love of...

- Well, that's a pretty cheesy kiss

for a fellow who isn't coming back.

- Look, Lisa, I have to mail this.

- Mr. Douglas?

Mr. Douglas, you'd better come into the barn right away.

- What's the matter?

- It's Eleanor.

- What's wrong with her?

- She won't give any milk!

She's on strike! - On...

- Every time I try to milk her,

she sits down on her business end!

- Oh, the poor thing.

She must be sick!

- No, ma'am, she's rebelling.

She heard Mr. Douglas was replacing her

with a milk-making machine.

- I know just how she feels.

He tried to replace me with a redhead.

- I'm beginning to wish I had.

- Well!

- I tried to tell Eleanor

that she didn't have anything to worry about,

but she said she wanted to hear it from you.

- Well, you tell...

What do you mean, "She said?"

- She didn't actually talk to me,

she beat it out on the milk pail

with her tail in Morse code!

- Who is Morris Code?

- No, not Morris, Morse.

- Who is Morris Morse?

- Ed will explain it to ya.

I've gotta get into town to mail this.

- You ain't goin' nowhere, Dimples.

- Dimples?

Who is she?

- That's me, I used to have dimples.

Mr. Ziffel, will you put that gun down!

- Sorry, Dimp.

Lucky thing Haney was listenin' over the party line

when you was talkin' to your friend William.

- He had no right to listen!

- Oh, you're gonna sell us out to the New York combine, huh?

- I'm not...

- You're gonna turn over our milk-makin' machine

without even cuttin' us in

on your friend's egg-layin' machine.

- How does that work?

- Well, you put chicken feed in one end,

and an egg comes out there other.

- Golly diddle dumps!

That sounds better than the milk-makin' machine.

I'll put some money in that!

- So will I!

- There's no such thing, Mr. Ziffel.

All I'm doing is sending a sample of the milk to my friend!

He's gonna analyze it and let me know

if it's worth anything!

- Mr. Douglas?

Mr. Douglas!

- Oh, yes, gentlemen.

Come on in! - Oh, thank you.

- Well, we come over soon as we got your message

about your New York friend caller.

- Yeah, are we millionaires?

- Uh, let me explain.

He analyzed the sample and he said

that chemically, it resembles milk.

- Yeah, we know. We been drinkin' it.

- How rich are we?

- Just a second now.

Charlie's analysis showed that the sample contained water,

butterfat solids, lactic acid,

and a chemical called aquanitrichyperchloride.

- What's that?

- Well, it's a very expensive chemical that Needlinger used.

- Ah, leave it Luke.

Nothin' but the best.

- Yeah, yeah, the best.

Well, Charlie figured out, that by using it,

it would make the milk cost $40 a quart.

- That's no problem.

We'll sell it for 50.

- Good thinking.

Well, not good thinking.

- There's one other problem, gentlemen.

- What's that?

- Aquanitrichyperchloride has a side effect.

- Oh.

What side does it effect?

- Your head.

It causes temporary baldness.

- It does?

- Well, I'll be dog gone.

- I wouldn't worry about it,

Charlie also says that it'll grow back in about three weeks.

- I wish I could be sure of that.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.