Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

Can I come in?

- Yes, come in.

- Look what I've got.

- Where'd you get that?

- I found it.

- Where? - I don't remember.

- How could you find something like that and not remember?

- As you know, I have a habit of walking in my sleep,

and I must have walked last night because when I woke up

this morning, the trunk was in bed with me.

- The trunk was...

Eb, where did you find it?

- In the barn, underneath a bunch of junk.

- Why didn't you say so instead of telling me

that cock and bull story?

- Breakfast is almost...

Where did that come from?

- I woke up in bed with it this morning.

- Will you stop?

- That happened to my uncle once.

He woke up in bed with a trunk.

Or was it a drunk?

No, it was a trunk with a drunk in it.

- Hey, maybe there's a drunk in this one.

Shall I open it?

- Who does this belong to?

- Ain't it yours? - No.

- It looks very, very old.

- I think we ought to open it.

Can I have your key?

- I don't have a key, it's not my trunk.

- Aha.

You heard him say it, Mrs. Douglas, it's not his trunk.

That's what he said, it's not his trunk.

He said it's not my trunk.

That's what he said.

It ain't his.

- Eb, will you...

- I'm just trying to establish that I found this trunk

and whatever is in here belongs to me.

- No it doesn't.

You found this trunk on my property, it's mine.

- What am I entitled to, nothing?

- That sounds fair.

- Fair, how can you even...

- Look, let's just get it open before we start fighting

over what's in it.

- Yes, sir.

Golly, stocks and bonds.

We're rich.

- Eb, will you...

- Ooh, this must be worth a million dollars.

10,000 shares of Cincinnati Citronella.

- And here's a $50,000 government bond issued

by Johnstown, Pennsylvania, for flood control.

- This must be worth a fortune.

50,000 shares of Lawrence of Arabia Saddle Company.

- Look at this.

One million shares of Carstairs Corset Company.

- This is dated 1902.

These stocks and bonds are worthless.

The companies are out of business.

They're all defunct.

- How do you know?

Some of them may still be funct.

- I doubt it.

- Hey, look what I found.

A straitjacket.

- That's a corset.

- It is?

I'm blushing.

- Oh, Eb, is there anything else in there?

- Just this.

- Eb, will you stop blowing it?

- It's a diary.

- Defuncted stocks and bonds, a corset, and a diary.

Hmm, I wonder what it all means.

- Maybe the diary will tell us something.

It looks like a woman's handwriting.

Oh yes, here it is.

Her name is Lydia Plunkett.

- Lydia Plunkett?

It seems to me I used to go out with her.

No, that was Sydney Plunkett.

No, it wasn't Plunkett, it was O'Sullivan.

I wonder if they're related.

- What does it say?

- It says, "January 1, 1898.

"Good news, today I start work

"at the Carstairs Corset Company as a traveling saleswoman."

- I didn't know they had traveling salesladies

in those days.

- Hey, maybe that corset was one of her samples.

- "January 2, today is my first day on the road.

"I am writing this on the train from Chicago

"to Beaver Hill, Nebraska.

"The train trip has been very comfortable,

"except for those men in the back of the coach."

- It's a rich old doozy.

"I think they're all traveling salesmen like me.

"Wouldn't they be surprised to find out I was one of them?"

- Say Harry, what line you in this year?

- Weldon's corsets.

- I hear Carstairs has a hot shot corset salesman.

- He's wasting his time.

Harry Wright is the best corset salesman in this country.

- But you couldn't sell her.

- I got a saw buck says I can.

- You've got a bet.

- Watch this.

Oh, excuse me, madam.

Does this belong to you?

- I beg your pardon?

- No offense, it's just that all beautiful women

wear Weldon corsets.

- I don't.

I wear a Carstairs.

- A Carstairs?

That explains those untidy bulges.

- This is my money band.

- May I sit down?

- If you wish.

- Miss... - Plunkett, Lydia Plunkett.

- Miss Plunkett, my name is Harry Wright.

I'm the traveling representative

of the Weldon Corset Company.

The only corset guaranteed not to pinch, rub, or suffer

from whalebone fatigue.

- I never had any trouble with my Carstairs.

- Miss Plunkett, take my word for it.

There's no finer foundation garment made.

Harry Wright only sells the best.

- Who is he?

- That's me.

One of the best salesmen in the country.

- I never met a traveling salesman before.

- Then I take it you're not a farmer's daughter.

- That's one of the smoking car stories

and I like to point out to you

that this isn't a smoking car.

- Oh, well...

- But anyway, being a traveling salesman

must be fascinating.

How do you do it?

- When I go into a town, I line up all

the prospective customers, call on them,

show them my samples, and take their orders.

- It's as simple as that?

- Yes, for instance, tomorrow in Beaver Hill,

I'm going to call on the Genesee brothers at eight o'clock,

the Uptown Emporium at nine,

Wilson's Department Store at 10

and Fishwell's Dry Goods at 11.

What are you writing?

- I'm just making some notes in my diary.

- Anyway, by noon tomorrow, my order book will be filled.

- What happens if another salesman gets to your appointments

ahead of you?

- Oh, nobody gets up earlier in the morning

than Harry Wright.

Mr. Genesee, I can always count on you

for a big order.

- Sorry, Harry, but the Carstairs representative

was here a half an hour ago.

I bought all the corsets I'll need.

- Well, maybe next time.

But Mr. Dabney, I've been doing business

with the Uptown Emporium for years.

- I'm sorry, Harry, but you're a little late.

I gave the order to the Carstairs company an hour ago.

Better luck next time.

- But Mr. Wilson, you knew I'd be here at 10 o'clock.

Why didn't you wait for me instead of buying from Carstairs?

- Oh, hello there, Mr. Wright.

- Hi.

- Do you mind if I sit down?

How did you do today?

- Not a single order.

That salesman from Carstairs beat me out of every one

of my customers.

- That's too bad.

- I'll make up for it in Prairieville.

- Who are you going to see there?

- At nine o'clock, Milton Ladies Wear.

10 o'clock, the Prairieville Dry Goods Emporium,

and 11 o'clock, I'm gonna get a really big order

from Wilson and Sons.

You could have looked at my line

before you bought from Carstairs.

I'm sorry you did that.

I could have given you a better price than Carstairs.

You'll be sorry you bought those Carstairs corsets

when all the women start returning them.

Dear diary, what a wonderful month

this has been.

I have sold over $5,000 worth of corsets

and I'm sure it will continue that way

as long as I keep running into that Harry Wright.

- Oh, hello there. - Oh, hello there.

- Where are you headed for?

- That depends.

Where are you headed for?

- Nowhere.

I've been fired.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

- Yeah, whoever is traveling for Carstairs

has been acing me out of all my sales.

- Have you any idea who she is?

- No.

What do you mean, who she is?

- Did I say that?

- Yes.

- It was just a slip of the she.

- May I sit down?

I thought...

What are these?

- I don't know, what are they?

- These are Carstairs corsets.

Now I understand.

You're the one who...

- All is fair in love and business.

- You Benedict Arnold!

I'll get even with you if it's the last thing I ever do.

Harry, Harry, come back, Harry.

Dear diary, what have I done?

- I drove him away and I...

- Well, go on.

- I can't read what it says here.

It looks like she spilled water on the page.

Those are teardrops.

- How do you know?

- A woman can tell those things.

- What does it say on the next page?

- Look, Eb, we got work to do.

We can't sit around here all day,

listening to this stupid diary.

- It isn't stupid.

These are the words of a woman written

in her own handwriting with her own tears.

- Oh boy.

- I want to hear the rest of it.

- Come on, later.

- Oliver, sometimes I think there is

a little Harry Wright in you.

- Boy, I'm starved.

- Yeah.

Where's lunch?

- I forgot to make it.

I've been reading the diary.

- Oh for the love of...

- What happens to Lydia and Harry?

- Oh, a big thing.

Lydia sold so many corsets that they made her

the sales manager of the Carstairs Corset Company.

- Sales manager, wowee.

- Yes, but all she could think of was Harry.

She was in love with him.

- You got any of that smelly cheese or anything?

- In back of the watermelon.

- What watermelon?

- That's right, I forgot to make one.

- What about Harry Wright?

- He couldn't get connected as a salesman

and it was almost a year before Lydia ran into him again.

Harry was now in the advertising business.

- Harry!

Harry, it's me, Lydia.

No, I'm Lydia.

Lydia Plunkett.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Yes, because I keep thinking about you.

That's what I say, let's get married.

That isn't where it hurts.

It hurts here in my heart.

It's not gas, Harry, it's love.

Harry, Harry, speak to me, Harry.

Harry, Harry, it's me, Lydia.

- Beat it, you want to get me fired from this job too?

- I'm sorry what I did.

I love you, let's get married.

- I wouldn't marry you if the...

Oh, there's my boss.

Act like a dummy, dummy.

- What do I do now?

- Take a pill.

Put it in your mouth.

Not the cotton, the pill, take a pill.

- Uh oh.

- What's the matter?

- My finger is stuck in the bottle.

- Out!

Today, Harry and I have been married

for four months.

What a glorious four months they've been.

Everything is going wonderfully for us.

I am now president of the Carstairs Corset Company

and Harry is still trying to find a job.

Lydia, Lydia, I'm home.

I've got good news, where are you?

- In the blue room.

- Lydia, I got a job.

- Harry, you joined the navy.

- No, I'm a conductor on the 14th Street trolley.

Pays $6 a month.

It's poor work but it's honest.

Unless they check the fare box.

Now you can give up your job

and ride back and forth with me all day long for nothing.

- Do you expect me to give up a $25,000 a year job

just because you're making $6 a month?

- But darling, it's a man's job to work

and the woman's job to stay at home,

take care of the house, to have children.

- Who made up that rule?

With the money I'm making, it would make much more sense

if you stay home, take care of the house,

and have the children.

- I can't have children.

- You're a born loser.

It will be a much better arrangement for both of us

if you stay home and take care of the house.

It will give you something to do.

- Yeah, but,

how much does the job pay?

- $30 a month.

- Ooh, well... - And fringe benefits.

- Well.

- Please, Harry, I have a board of directors meeting

in an hour.

Hello, hello, is this the stockbroker?

This is Lydia Wright.

I want to buy 10,000 shares of Cincinnati Citronella.

What do you think of the Lawrence of Arabia Saddle Company?

Good, good, get me 50,000 shares of that.

What else do you have to recommend?

Johnstown Flood Control bonds?

Are they safe?

They're not expecting any rain, are they?

All right, buy me for $50,000.

Good, bye.

- Lydia.

- Harry, Harry, what are you doing here?

It's wash day.

- I've done the laundry, it's hanging on the line.

- What about the ironing?

- I'll do that when I get home.

I want to talk to you.

I never see you anymore except to sew a button

on your skirt or mend your blouse.

I want a wife.

- I know what to get you for Christmas.

- Lydia, I can't go on this way.

Why don't you come home early and we'll light a fire

and open a bottle of champagne and...

- And what?

- It's been so long, I've forgotten.

Will you, Lydia?

- Not tonight, I've got a board of directors meeting.

But I can give you 10 minutes on Thursday at 6:30.

- You know I'm always busy at 6:30, cooking dinner.

- I won't be home this Thursday.

I am having dinner with the Carnegies.

- Why can't I go with you?

- Because you have such atrocious table manners.

- Lydia.

- Harry, please, I've got enough on my mind.

Business is bad, sales are dropping,

corsets are falling off.

- Well maybe if you put more strings on them

and tied them tighter.

- Harry, please, please, there is one thing

I don't need, it's a funny husband.

Go home.

- Just one question, Lydia.

- What?

- What'll I make for dinner tonight?

- Harry, please.

Hello?

What?

They canceled the order?

That's the fifth cancellation today.

Get our salesmen to work, or Carstairs is in big trouble.

- Oh hi, honey.

I made your favorite for dinner tonight.

- I'm not hungry.

- What, after I've spent all afternoon in the kitchen,

slaving over a rump roast?

- Harry, please, do you realize my company

is facing bankruptcy?

- Good, I hope you do go bankrupt.

- What?

- Then I can take my rightful place as the breadwinner.

I'm sick and tired of doing housework.

I'm a man.

Or I was before you took away my manhood.

- Harry, don't nag at me.

I've got to find some way to save my company.

- And I have to find some way to save our marriage.

The woman should never wear the pants in the family.

- Harry, say that again.

- I said I have to find some way to...

- Not that, the pants part.

- The woman should never wear the pants in the family.

- Harry, you've done it. - Done what?

- You saved my company.

- Oh.

- Harry, Harry, I'm home.

I brought you flowers and bon bons.

Harry?

"Dear Lydia, I am leaving you.

"I was never meant to be a housewife.

"You'll find all the grocery bills in the sideboard.

"I made out a list for the laundry man

"and I shut off the milk.

"Very truly yours, Harry Wright."

Oh Harry, Harry, come back.

Where will I ever find another maid like you?

- Golly, that's sad.

- Sad, that's sickening.

I never heard such tripe.

- That's because it happened in real life.

And you know what they say.

Ruth is stranger than friction.

- Oh yeah, that Ruth was always rubbing somebody

the wrong way.

Now may we have some lunch?

- Don't you want to hear the end of it?

- Not particularly.

- I do.

- Look, Eb, we've got a lot of...

- There's only a little more to the story.

See, after Harry left, Lydia lost interest

in the corset business and before you know it,

she was bankrupt.

- What about Harry?

- What about lunch?

- Lydia looked everywhere for Harry

but she didn't find him until three years later.

He was back at doing the thing he knew best, selling.

- All right, step right up, folks

and I'll demonstrate the greatest boon to housewives

since the sewing machine.

The little wizard vegetable peeler.

Now this little instrument not only peels potatoes,

slices tomatoes, and dices carrots,

but it may be used to trim sideburns or remove corns.

During this demonstration, the wizard vegetable peeler

will be sold not for the usual price of $1,

not for 50 cents, not for a quarter

but for one dime, the tenth part of a dollar.

Will you get that organ out of here?

Lydia.

- Harry.

- Get out of here, you monkey faced baboon.

- That's no way to talk to our son.

- Our son?

- I bought him after you left

because he looked so much like you.

- He doesn't look like me.

- Harry, to think that I found you after all these years.

Now we can start all over again.

- I want to get one thing straight.

Who wears the pants?

- You do.

- Lydia. - Harry.

- That's how they got back together again.

And the last entry in the diary says,

"Harry and I and the monkey lived happily ever after."

How come you're not crying?

- I'm too weak.

I'm suffering from malnutrition.

It dries up the tear ducts.

- Boy, maybe those stocks and bonds aren't worth anything,

but I'll bet some Hollywood studio would pay us

a fortune to make a movie of that diary.

- Yes, I can see John Wayne as Harry.

- And Phyllis Diller as Lydia.

- Yeah, but who could play the monkey?

- You really want me to tell you?

Come on, we gotta get back to work.

Let's get some lunch now.

- Lydia and Harry Wright?

- Yes, did you ever hear of them?

- No, only Wrights I ever knew

were a couple of brothers.

But they built themselves an airplane

and flew off someplace.

- You mean the Wright Brothers.

- Yeah, Orville and I forget the other feller's name.

- But you never heard of Lydia and Harry Wright?

- Come to think of it, those names do sound

a little familiar.

Any reason why you're asking about them?

- You see, we found this old trunk in our barn.

- And it had a diary in it.

- Diary?

Did it also have some stock certificates

and a corset in it?

- Yes.

- I've been hunting for that old trunk

for more than two years.

Those were the props we used in the Hooterville

little players' production of Me, Harry, and the Monkey.

- So Ruth is stranger than friction.

- I believe you mean truth is stranger than fiction.

- Not in our house.

I'll send the trunk back later.

Come on, Lisa.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.