Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue

The chores.

The stores.

Fresh air.

Times Square.

You are my wife.

Good bye, city life.

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Oliver, Oliver!

- What do you want?

- What did you say?

- I said, what do you want?

- I can't hear you.

- Oh, for the love of.

- Oh, for the love of what?

- Lisa, I'm shaving.

- I can't understand a word you're saying.

- Of all the stupid.

- Who's stupid?

- I didn't say you were stupid.

- What was that?

- Oh, forget it.

- I don't want to forget it.

- How come you can only hear me when I mutter?

- Did you say something?

- Your mother smokes goulash.

- What does your mother smoke?

- She must have a microphone in here.

- Look under the sink.

- Excuse me, is this the Douglas farm?

- That's right.

- Are you Mrs. Douglas?

- I am now.

My maiden name was Gronyitz.

That's spelled G-R-O-N, with a yitz on the end.

- Oh, I'm Brian Williams.

Is your husband home?

- He's in the bathroom

looking under the sink for a microphone.

- I'm afraid I don't understand.

- Well, you see, when... - Lisa?

- Yes.

Is breakfast ready, oh?

- Oh Oliver, this is Brian Williams.

- How are you?

- Uh, uh, Mr. Drucker suggested I come over and talk to you.

Uh huh.

- If you have the time.

- Yes.

- Why don't you come and have some hotcakes and talk.

- No thanks, I've already had breakfast.

- Oh, some people have all the luck.

- Oliver!

- Uh, come in and have some coffee.

- Are you sure you don't want any hotcakes?

- Oh, no thanks, just coffee.

- Well, we can't let this go to waste.

- Now uh, what can I...

- By the way, are you married?

- Uh, no ma'am.

- That's fine.

Gelda isn't married either.

- Gelda?

- You know, my unmarried cousin in Budapest.

- Well, why don't you get Mr. Williams some coffee?

- Please call me Brian.

- Oh, that's Gelda's favorite name, Myron.

- Brian.

- Myron, Byron, hmm, that's very musical, so is Gelda.

- The coffee.

Now uh, what did you want to talk to me about?

- Well, you see, I'm an attorney.

- Oh, so is Mr. Douglas.

- I know, that's why Mr. Drucker suggested I talk to him.

Uh, uh, you see, uh, I graduated from law school a year ago.

- It's a little weak today.

- Do you take cream and sugar?

- Just sugar.

- You were saying?

- Uh, after I got out of law school

I worked as a law clerk for Judge Houston

up at the county seat and I.

- You should see what happens to it when it's really strong.

You still with Judge Houston?

- I was until last week.

- Oh, you got fired?

- Oh no ma'am, I'd taken my bar exam,

and I've decided to open my own law office.

- I remember when I opened my first law office.

- He would have starved to death

if it hadn't been for my father.

He used to come every week with a big bag of money.

- Your father never had a bag of money.

He never even had a bag.

- Well, that's gratitude for you.

After all the things my father did for you.

- The only thing your father ever did for me

was to let me watch his apple stand

when he went out to lunch.

- Well, how would you like to open your office

with a big divorce case?

- Oh Lisa, now you're embarrassing Brian.

Where are you planning to practice.

- Right here in Hooterville.

- Hmm, that's a good idea.

When I bought this farm

it was always my intention to open a law office here.

- That's what Mr. Drucker told me,

and I wonder if you'd consider going into practice with me?

- Well.

- It would be a big break for me to be in with an older man.

- What?

- I meant uh, a man that had more experience.

- Ooh, he had a lot of experience.

Before he married me, he used to run around with a blonde.

- He's not talking about that kind of experience.

- I know this idea is kind of sudden,

but I'd appreciate if you'd think about it.

- I will, but I don't want to hold you up.

- Oh, you won't.

I have to look for an office anyway.

If you don't mind I'll call you in a few days.

It's been very nice meeting you Mrs. Douglas.

- Thank you.

If you can wait a minute,

I'll get you a picture of my cousin Gelda.

- Do you have one that doesn't show the tattoo?

- She isn't tattooed, she's a very nice girl,

and she led a very sheltered life.

- Yes, yes, a sheltered life.

She lives in a lean-to on the outskirts of Budapest.

- Oliver!

- Call me, Brian.

- Right.

Mr. Douglas?

Ooh.

- You know Dudley, don't you?

He works for us as a scarecrow.

- Yes, I know him.

Dudley came to me with a problem this morning.

He needs $10.00 for a new suit of old scarecrow clothes.

- A new suit?

Look Eb, I've got problems of my own.

- Dudley would appreciate it,

if you could give him an answer.

He wants to got back to work.

- Eb, please, I'm trying to think something out.

- No talking Dudley.

- Look, let me ask you something.

If I was to decide to open a law office,

do you think you could run this farm without me?

- Who are you talking to, me or Dudley?

- You, do you think you could?

- There must be someway to answer that

without insulting you.

- Eb, I asked you a question.

- Well, would you give me a raise?

- Naturally, I'd give you a fair increment.

- Yeah, but would you give me more money?

- That's what an increment is, a raise.

- You just can't bring yourself to say money, can you?

- Eb, there's no sense in arguing about something

that's not definite yet.

I haven't made up my mind.

- Oh, then all this talk about more money

was just a come on to raise my hopes.

You had me reaching

for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,

and then what do you do?

Pull the pot out from under me.

- I'm sorry I brought the whole thing up.

- What about Dudley?

Do you want me to take him to the tailor

and have him fitted?

- No!

- Come on Dud, I'll put you back in the tall corn,

so the crows can't see the holes in your pants.

- Oliver, what are you going to do about the law practice?

- Well, I...

- Now, what ever you decide I won't interfere.

- Thank you.

- All the time we've been married

I never told you what to do.

I always minded my business about your business.

- And I appreciate that.

- You wanted to be a bootlegger, I never said a word.

I told you to go right ahead.

- I never wanted to be a bootlegger.

That was your uncle.

- I knew it was somebody in the family.

- Lisa, where's my gray sport coat?

- I think I put it in the other closet.

Well, what did you decide?

- Well, I...

- Not that it's any of my business.

It's your life and you have to do the best of it.

Yeah.

- Anyway, a wife's place

is to walk three paces behind her husband,

and pick up his clothes after him.

Lisa.

- That's all a woman has to do.

Walk and pick, walk and pick.

- Fine.

- Well, it isn't much fun.

Uh.

- But that's what a woman has to do.

- Do you want to hear my decision?

- Well, you already told me.

You were going to wear your gray coat.

- I mean about practicing law.

- Ah, you're still thinking about that?

- Yes, I've decided to go in with Brian.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

I hope you two will be very happy together.

Of course, that's what they told us before we got married,

but then it didn't work out that way.

- Where's my coat?

- Which one?

- The gray sports coat.

- Oh, I gave that to Eb to give to Dudley.

- Oh, for the love of.

- Oliver, Oliver, where are you going?

- In to Drucker's, see if I can find Brian.

Tell him my decision.

- Well, that ought to make him very happy.

- Yes, it makes me happy too.

I guess next to farming

the one thing I've always wanted to do

was open a law office in a small town.

You know, here a man

can practice the law of Abraham Lincoln.

You know, it was in a town no bigger than this?

Lincoln first hung out his shingle dedicating his life

to bringing the protection of the law to all people,

regardless of race, creed, or color.

- Oliver, the fife player has a new tune.

- I intend to follow Lincoln's credo,

and see that the law is of the people,

by the people, and for the people.

- Abe.

Hmm?

- You forgot your hat.

- Well, I sure am glad to hear that Mr. Douglas.

You won't be making a mistake.

Brian's a nice boy.

- You've known him a long time?

- Oh yeah, fact is I used to spark his aunt.

We had quite a romance going.

She used to come in here every night

and play checkers with me

and eat Horehound drops and drink Moxie.

We would've got married,

except I found out she was cheating on me.

- Cheating?

- Yeah, every time I went to get

another bottle of Moxie out of the cooler,

she'd move a checker.

That's when I broke off our engagement.

- Well, that's uh...

- Never could stand a checker cheatin' woman,

but the boy turned out fine.

- I'm sure he did.

Do you know where I could find him?

- Find who?

- Oh, uh, Brian Williams.

- Oh yes, I saw him over in um, who's Brian Williams?

- Agatha Toomey's nephew.

Oh, then why didn't you say so?

Who's Agatha Toomey?

- Brian Williams aunt.

- Oh, who's Brian Williams?

- Oh, Mr. Kimball, will you...

- Brian Williams, Brian Williams.

Where'd I hear that name before, hmm?

- Sam, just mentioned it.

- Sam who?

- Me.

- And you say you're Agatha Toomey's aunt?

- Oh, for the love of...

- Nice fella, Brian.

I hear he's going to marry your cousin Gelda.

- She's not my cousin.

- Say uh, do you suppose you could get me a copy

of one of those pictures showing Gelda's tattoos.

- How did you hear about that?

- Well, a county agent's gotta keep his ear to the ground.

- That explains how you got all those rocks in your head.

- It does?

No, there must be a better explanation.

- Mr. Drucker, I'll go look for Brian myself.

- Brian myself?

I thought you said his name was Brian Williams?

- It is.

- Say, he wouldn't be Agatha Toomey's nephew by any chance?

- Yes, he is.

- Who is?

- Brian Williams!

- Oh, well, I just saw him,

he was looking for an office with Haney.

- With Haney.

- Ah, won't that make a great lawyers office?

- Well, I don't think this is...

- Now, if you'll just sign this five year lease.

- I'm not signing anything.

- But you couldn't find a better location for an office.

On the one side you've got the Bijou Theater,

and on the other is Tess's Taco Parlor,

which is only open during the pickin' season

when we import our wetbacks.

- Sorry, I really don't.

Hello Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, Mr. Douglas.

- Did you sign anything yet?

- No, I didn't.

This boy wanted me to sign this lease, but I...

- I'm not talking to you.

- No, I haven't signed anything yet.

- Good, well, I've been looking all over for you,

because I wanted to tell you that I thought it over,

and you've got yourself a law partner.

- Well, that's wonderful Mr. Douglas.

- May I be the first to congratulate you.

Whilst I'm shaking his hand, you can sign this.

- Will you put that away?

Have you seen anything that looks any good?

- Not yet.

- If you'll just follow me.

- Mr. Haney, we don't wanna see anything

that you're trying to rent.

- You're not interested

in a magnificent suite of three offices

in the heart of downtown Hooterville

for only $22.00 a month?

- Yes, we'd be interested in that.

- Follow me.

Here we are gentlemen.

Ain't it beautiful?

- Gas?

- Well, people have more trust in gaslit lawyers.

It gives them that Abraham Lincoln feeling about him.

- Yeah, well, I...

- Incidentally, Mr. Douglas,

your wife owes me a dollar rental for that Honest Abe hat.

Well, how do you like it?

- It hasn't got a window.

- That's one of the advantages.

Keeps your cases confidential.

No need to worry about a fella across the street

peeping at you with a high-powered telescope.

- Oh, that's no problem.

- Now, let me show it's other advantages.

Running water.

Now, over here we have this burglar proof wall safe

for your important documents.

Doggone, somebody swiped the back off of it.

- You said this place had three rooms.

- It does, there's this room

and then two others down the hall.

One marked men, and the other marked women.

- Come on, that does it.

- The place wouldn't be too bad if it had a window.

- It seems to me it did have one.

I remember when my cousin papered this place.

Heck, you're right on Main Street.

- What do you think Mr. Douglas?

- Well, we could try it on a month to month basis.

- How much would it be?

- $18.00 for the months with an R in 'em,

and $22.00 for the others.

- We'll give you $18.00 a month and that's it.

- Okay, I suppose you wanna split the 18 between ya.

That'll be $14.00 from you and $12.00 from you.

- You'll get $9.00 from each of us.

- Doggone, there ain't no profit

in doing business with a lawyer.

- Oliver, are you going to read all these books tonight?

- No, this is my law library.

I'm trying to get them in some kind of order,

so that Brian and I can use them in the office, you see.

I've run across books I'd forgotten.

McElvain's Constitutional Law.

- Oh, I enjoyed that.

- You read it?

- No, I saw the movie.

- The movie?

- With Alice Faye and Rudy Vallee.

- Black's Law Dictionary.

Oh, my mother gave me that when I graduated from Harvard.

- Did your mother call you Lambie Pie?

- Huh?

- To Lambie Pie, my favorite law student.

Passionately, Gwendolyn.

- Gwen, Gwendolyn, yes, I remember her.

Uh, where's volume six of the Harvard Law Review?

- What does it look like?

- Like this.

- Oh, I think i know where it is.

I'll get it.

- Where do you want these?

- Where were they?

- Dudley was readin' them.

- Dudley.

- He don't wanna be a scarecrow all his life.

- Just put them on the bed.

- Yes, sir.

When you opening the office?

- Pretty soon.

- Could you be more definite?

So's I know when I take over the farm.

- You're not taking it over.

- I'm not, but I've already ordered my overseer's whip,

so I can ride around on my horse and beat the coolies

when I'm in a surly mood.

- I'm only going to spend a little time in the law office.

Most of the time I'll be right here.

- Fine thing.

Now, I'm stuck with a horse and a whip.

- What a nut.

- Oliver, here's the book.

- Oh, hey, that's cold.

- Well, I was using it

to hold up the shelf in the refrigerator with the milk.

- You shouldn't.

- Oliver, do you think I should order a whole new wardrobe

to wear in the office?

- Well, what do you mean to wear in the office?

- Well, if I'm going to be your secretary,

I have to wear the right clothes.

- Well, that's very nice of you,

but we really don't need a secretary.

- Well, Perry Mason always had one.

- You're not equipped to be a secretary.

- Oh, now you're knocking my equipment.

- Well, there's a little more to being a secretary

than having equipment.

You have to take dictation, shorthand, typing.

- And did you ever see my gold metal?

- For what?

- Being the best student in the class

in the Budapest Secretarial College.

- Oh Lisa, you.

- Well, just wait a moment.

Dictate something.

- Very well.

Dear sir.

- Oh, just wait a moment.

First I have to sit down, and cross my legs.

I got an A in leg crossing.

- Dear sir, in reply to your letter of the 14th,

I beg to inform you that we can not handle your case

due to a conflict of interest.

Very truly yours, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Now read that back please.

- Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

- What was that?

- That's what you said in Hungarian.

- Hungarian?

- But, that's the only kind of shorthand they teach

at the Budapest Secretarial College.

- A man's wife shouldn't work in his office.

- Well, nobody will know that I'm your wife.

I'm going to use my maiden name.

- No, that will make...

- From now on I will be known as Miss Gronyitz.

That's spelled G-R-O-N, with a yitz on the end.

How about that?

- Where is my name?

- Secretary's don't have their name's on the door.

- They do in Hungary.

All the secretary has to do is be nice to the boss.

You'd be surprised how many doors I had my name on.

- Well, come on.

- Well, aren't you going to carry me over the threshold?

- You don't do that in offices.

- They do in Hungary.

The boss always carries the secretary over the threshold.

You'd be surprised how many thresholds

I've been carried over.

- If it'll make you happy.

You must've had some pretty strong Hungarian bosses.

- Oliver!

- Oh, good morning.

- Well, good morning.

- Eh, this is an old Hungarian custom.

This is our secretary, Miss Gronyitz.

- Is here anything I can do for you, sir?

- Yes, go down to the car

and bring up the rest of the law books,

and then go out and get some coffee,

and then come back up here and dust the office.

- Yes, sir.

Is there anything I can do for you, Mr. Williams?

- No, nothing.

- Good, I think I'll work for you.

You get your own secretary.

- I'll get the rest of the books.

- Is there anything else you want me to do?

- Nothing.

- Good, then I'll go and have my hair done.

Can I have an advance on my salary?

- We never said anything about a salary.

- Okay, let's say something about it.

- You'll get paid for what you do.

- Do you want me to get that?

- Please.

- That will be $6.00.

- Just answer it.

- Oh, hello there Mr. Haney.

It's Mr. Haney.

Who shall I say is calling?

- Uh, uh, Mr. Haney.

- Whom do you wish to see?

- Uh, Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, won't you sit down?

I'll see if he's in.

Mr. Douglas, are you in for a Mr. Haney?

- Eh, Lisa, exactly what do you think you're doing?

- The secretarial bit.

Lesson number seven, when the boss isn't in for everybody.

- Oh, well, Mr. Haney is standing right there.

He can see me and I can see him.

- Oh, all right.

Mr. Douglas can see you.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Haney, if you're here to sell us anything.

- Tut, tut, tut, Mr. Douglas.

This is purely a social call.

I come here to wish you luck,

and to present you with this token of my esteem.

- What the?

- Ooh, that's cute.

- Now that's something that any law office

should be proud to have.

That little fella was the key witness

at the Stoke's Monkey Trial.

- The Stoke's Monkey?

- It was presented to me personal by Clarence Darrow

for the undercover work that I done for him

during that trial.

- This is a gift?

- A gift.

- No strings attached?

- No strings, but if you ever need a private investigator

you'll find my phone number pasted to his little bottom.

- Ah, well, I don't think we'll need any.

- Now, how are you fixed for diplomers?

- I've got a diploma.

- Is it legitimate?

- It's from the Harvard School of Law.

- Well, the clients you get around here

ain't gonna be impressed by a small town college like that.

- That's right.

- Harvard happens to be...

- Now, here's one that will really impress folks.

Here is a dimplomer that gives you a PhD

from the Stankwell Falls University.

Now, for an added fee they will attach a writer

which entitles you to perform brain surgery.

- Mr. Haney, I've got the...

- How often to you have to feed this?

- Ah, twice a day.

- Mr. Haney, if you don't mind, we're busy.

- Well then, I won't keep you.

I just wanna wish you luck

and collect the $8.00 for the stuffed monkey.

- You said it was a gift.

- Only if you purchase a diploma.

- Give him the monkey.

- I've become attached to it.

- Give him the monkey.

- Oh, Mr. Williams, do you have a diplomer?

- Yes.

- But, do you have a stuffed monkey?

- He doesn't need one.

Now, will you leave us alone.

- Certainly, good day,

or as Clarence Darrow was fond of saying,

a lawyer who doesn't have jurice has very little prudence.

- Has no jurices.

- Now what?

- Oh, well now we rent some furniture,

and we have a telephone put in,

and by this time next week we should be open for business.

- Like they say on television,

be sure to tune in next week.

Will Oliver and Brian get their furniture?

Will they get their telephone?

Will they get a client?

Will Gelda get here in time from Budapest

to marry Brian?

Will Mr. Drucker ever play checkers with Aunt Agatha again?

Will Eb be able to run the farm and...

- Lisa.

- What?

- Will you empty this?

Let's go to lunch.

This has been a Filmways presentation darling.