Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Beautiful.

Get a load of this rock.

- In the bag, in the bag.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's get out of here.

Not that way, stupid.

- Shh.

Did we lose 'em?

- I think so.

I don't hear anything.

Hey, Mack.

Let's divvy up the loot.

- Not now.

Later.

Hey, Mack.

- Huh?

- There must be a lot of show business kids

in this neighborhood.

- How do you figure?

- Look.

Boy, when I was a kid,

the kind of stuff we'd write on a wall.

- Psst.

- Where are we going?

- In there.

Come on, open the door.

- All right, get back.

- Not that way, the head.

- Ah, all right.

Now, what did we come in here for?

- To stash the jewelry, you dummy.

- What's in there?

- Looks like wheat or something.

All right, dump it in, dump it in.

Now, what did you do that for?

Why didn't you throw the whole bag in?

- I gotta bring it home.

I borrowed it from my brother-in-law.

- All right, we'll stash it here

and pick it up when the heat's off.

All right, let's get out.

- Boy, you sure are cranky tonight.

Ow.

- Doggone it.

Every week they come out with a new cereal.

One week it was Tooty Wooties, and the next week it was...

- Hello there, Mr. Drucker.

- Afternoon, Mr. Drucker.

- Afternoon, folks.

- Oh, those are those Crickly Wicklys they advertise on TV.

- What do they do?

Snap, crunch, ping?

- No, these are soundproof.

- I wonder if these are as good as the Jumpy Wumpies.

- Jumpy?

- Yes, when you pour hot milk over them,

they jump around in the bowl.

- Who wouldn't?

- My favorite cereal used to be Itsy Bitsies,

but they stopped making them

when they came out with Stuffy Wuffies.

- Who thinks up those?

- In Hungary, they had a wonderful cereal, Shredded Goulash.

You can't get that here.

- Thank goodness.

- Well, this should be pretty good.

It's got a lot of stuff in it.

Artificial coloring, imitation sweeteners,

synthetic orange peels.

- No plastic raisins?

- No, they had those in Jumpy Wumpies.

- Look, Lisa.

- This is the first cereal I ever got with vitamin N.

- There's no such thing as vitamin N.

- It says right here.

Contains vitamin N for energy.

- I believe energy is spelled with an E.

- Since when?

- Well, it's always...

- Each box is supposed to have a valuable prize.

- I'm sure.

- Would you like to try 'em?

They're 18 cents a box or six for a dollar.

- We take six boxes.

- No, we don't.

- But, Oliver.

You might want them for breakfast tomorrow morning.

- I'm not putting that junk in my stomach.

- All right, then.

Give me 10 pounds of hot cakes flour.

- On second thought, I am putting that junk in my stomach.

We'll take these six boxes.

Good morning.

- Well, if it isn't my husband, Handsome Harry.

- Is breakfast ready?

- Don't you even want to pant a little from the kiss?

- That enough?

- Personally, I thought it was more than a two pants kiss.

- Breakfast, Lisa, hmm?

- All right, gorgeous.

Sit down.

There.

There we are.

- Good morning.

- Hi. - Good morning.

- What's this?

Crickly Wicklys?

Why don't you buy the kind I like, Poopy Woopsy?

- Poopy Woopsy.

- That a cereal with the filter tipped flakes.

A valuable prize in every box.

I wonder what they give you.

A green glass bracelet.

- What did you expect, emeralds?

- That's what they are.

- Sure, emeralds.

- They are.

- Oh, boy.

Wait'll I give this to Lorelei.

I'll get a two pants kiss.

- You are to get at least a five pants for that.

Do you know what emeralds are worth?

- No, ma'am.

- Well, my aunt had an emerald bracelet,

not half as good as this one, and it cost her $12,000.

- $12,000?

- Why would they put a $12,000 bracelet

in an 18 cent box of cereal?

- They're trying to make new customers.

- That makes sense.

- I wish you did.

- See what you get, Mrs. Douglas.

- All right.

Ooh, a diamond wristwatch.

Must be worth at least $8,000.

- Oh, boy.

- It's your turn, Mr. Douglas.

- Come on, I'm not going to...

- Oh, go on, Oliver.

- What did you get?

- A picture of Yogi Berra.

- Autographed?

- No.

- Tough luck.

- Hey, will you stop opening all the.

Ooh.

- Wowee, a diamond ring.

- Yes.

Ooh, it's at least six carats.

- That's a big phony hunk of glass.

- It's a diamond.

- Look, how could it possibly be a...

- Oliver, if there's one thing I know, it's diamonds.

- What do you know about sapphires?

- Ooh, it's gorgeous.

- They're blue glass.

- Oliver, I didn't get to where I am today

without knowing what's real jewelry and what isn't.

- Here, try your luck again.

Well?

- Yogi Berra.

- You're a born loser.

- Oliver, we ought to buy some more of this cereal.

Delicious.

- Yeah, I'm gonna get me 75 boxes and retire.

- You'll be retiring a lot faster than you think

if you don't get back to work.

- I don't have to work anymore.

I'm independently wealthy.

Jewelry wise.

- That stupid kid.

He gets a few hunks of junk jewelry and...

Come in!

- Howdy.

- Hello there, Mr Ziffel.

- I just come over to show you something.

Looky here.

- Ooh, your birthday?

- No, Crickly Wickly.

- What?

- You, too?

Look what I got.

- That's pretty.

You didn't happen to get a couple

of diamond earrings did ya?

- No.

Eb got some sapphires.

- Aw, too bad.

Arnold wanted to trade a bracelet he got

for a couple of diamond earrings to go with his choker.

- What choker?

- His Prickly Wickly choker.

Arnold, come in here and show it to them.

- Well, I'll be a...

- Yeah, that's what Doris said when she saw it.

- Did Mrs. Ziffel get anything?

- Yep, she got a picture of Yogi Berra.

- Ooh, that's what Mr. Douglas got.

- Couple of born losers.

- Look, Mr. Ziffel.

That's cheap costume jewelry.

- Don't pay no attention to him, Arnold.

He don't know what he's talking about.

- Would you like me to prove it to you?

- How?

- I'll take all this junk over to the jeweler in Pixley

and have it appraised.

- Ooh, this is a magnificent diamond.

Not a flaw in it.

- Are you sure?

- Oh, positive.

- And you say this stuff is all real?

- Yes, these are some of the most beautiful jewels

I've ever seen, Mr., uh.

- Douglas.

How much do you estimate they're worth?

- Well,

roughly $200,000.

- 200... - Mr. Douglas, if you bought them

you ought to know what they're worth.

- Oh, I didn't buy them.

- You inherited them?

- No, no.

I got them in boxes of.

- Of what?

- If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

- If you'd like me to keep these in my safe for you.

- No, thank you.

Thank you.

Good day.

- Good day.

Hello, operator.

Connect me with the sheriff's office, please.

Yes.

Hello, Sheriff?

This is Klaxon, the jeweler over at Pixley.

Yes.

Say, I got a flyer from the jeweler's association

the other day on the Berkman jewelry robbery

and a man was in here a few moments ago

with some jewelry that matches the description.

Yes, Douglas.

I think he lives in Hooterville.

- I told you it was real.

- I know you told me.

- What did the man say it was worth?

- $200,000.

There must be some explanation.

- Okay, let's hear it.

- Lisa, I've got to make a call.

- To whom?

- The Crickly Wickly people.

- Calling from where?

Hooterville?

I'll take it.

Hello?

- Hello, who's this?

- Charles Bennett.

I'm in charge of public relations for Crickly Wickly.

- My name is Douglas.

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

I want to talk to you about your cereal.

You see, we bought six boxes.

- Don't you think they're a great improvement

over our Fudley Wudlies?

- I don't...

Look, I want to talk to you about the prizes.

You see, we found some jewelry.

- Jewelry?

We don't put any jewelry in our cereal.

Just baseball cards, plastic ducks,

and an occasional back scratcher.

- We found jewelry.

$200,000 worth.

- 200.

One moment, please.

Ms. Travis, where did you say this call was coming from?

Hooterville?

Do they have a fruitcake farm there?

Thank you.

Hello?

You still there?

- Yes, I'm still here.

- I was afraid of that.

- What?

- Now, about this jewelry you claim was found

in our Dinky Inkies.

- We found them in a Crickly Wickly.

- $200,000 worth?

- Yes.

My wife found a six carat diamond ring

and a diamond wristwatch.

And Eb, my hired hand,

found an emerald bracelet and sapphire earrings,

and Arnold found a diamond choker that's worth $80,000.

- Lucky Arnold.

He must be dancing with joy.

- Well, he can't dance.

He's a pig.

- That's a p-i-g, pig?

- Well, what other kind is there?

Now, the reason I'm calling is to find out what I should do.

- Well, for one thing, the next time you have our cereal,

just put milk on it.

- I didn't eat any of your cereal.

- Oh, you just drank the sauce.

- Look, I called you in good face.

Good fate.

Faith.

- You're getting a little blurry there, Jack.

- I'll ask you once more.

Do you know anything about the jewelry

we found in your cereal?

- No, I don't.

- Then, goodbye.

- There are more ding-a-lings that eat our cereal.

Now, just a moment.

You can't... - Chicago police.

- We got a report that some stolen jewelry

was stashed in your grain bin.

Now, we just went through it, but they ain't there.

- That's strange.

I just had a call from a man who said

he found some jewelry in our Crickly Wicklys.

- Oh?

Where'd he call from?

- I believe it was Hooterville.

I better call him back.

- That won't be necessary.

We'll take care of it.

- We better get going.

- Not that way, stupid.

We'll take care of it.

- Oliver, why do we have to talk to Mr. Drucker?

Why can't we just keep the jewels?

- Because obviously they got into those packages by mistake.

- Oh.

- Mr. Drucker, I came in to ask you.

- Oh, I was just trying these on.

Got 'em in a box of Crickly Wicklys.

- We'll take 12 more boxes.

- I'm sorry, they're all gone.

When people found out about the prizes, they cleaned me out.

I don't know how they can afford

to give away such expensive gifts.

These earrings must've cost at least a dollar.

- I'd say they're worth 5,000.

- What?

- These are real diamonds.

- Diamonds?

Oh, doggone it.

Do you see 'em?

- Yes, that pickle is wearing one.

No, no.

Not that one, the one next to it.

- Mr. Drucker, where do these boxes of cereal come from?

There it is.

- Mr. Drucker, would you please answer my question?

- What is your question?

- I'm not talking to you.

- What are you looking for, Sam?

- His earrings fell in the pickle barrel.

- Oh.

Why don't you have your ears pierced?

Then they wouldn't fall off so easily.

- Mr. Kimball, if you're...

- Say, that sure is a nice looking pickle.

How much you want for it?

- You can have it.

- Nah, I don't like pickles.

- What'd you do that for?

- Look, about the cereal boxes.

- What cereal?

- I was talking to Sam.

- Oh.

That's him with his head in a pickle barrel.

I got one.

- Yeah.

Hey, Sam.

- You dimwit.

This guy wants to talk to ya.

What did you say your name was?

- Mr. Kimball.

- Mr. Kimball?

Boy, he's got the same name as me.

- Hank, why don't you go count coffee beans?

- Oh, it'll be a pleasure.

Well, not a pleasure.

- Go count 'em.

- Mr. Drucker, I have to talk to you.

- Oh, I do that for you Mr. Drucker.

- I want to show you something.

- One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine.

10, 11, 12,

13, 14, 15.

- Holy Toledo.

Where'd you get all that?

- The same place you got the earrings.

In the cereal.

- Oliver?

- Oh, did you find my earrings?

- No, my ring fell in.

- Oh, for the love of.

- 26, 27, 28, 29, 30.

- Mr. Kimball, could you count quietly.

- Oh, I thought you wanted me to count the coffee beans.

24, 25.

- Mr. Drucker, I just spoke to

the Crickly Wickly people and... - Hi, Sam.

- Hi, Clyde.

- And who do those belong to?

- Mr. Douglas.

- Oh?

- Mr. Douglas, this is our sheriff Clyde Prentice.

- Good, how do you do?

- You're under arrest.

- What?

- Oliver, hold this.

- Lisa, I don't have the...

- What are you wearing that for?

- He's under arrest.

- What for?

- For suspicion of grand larceny.

- What did he grand larson?

- Those.

They fit the description of the stolen merchandise

from the Berkman Jewelry Company in Chicago.

- Sheriff, I...

- May I remind you, Mr. Douglas,

anything you may say may be used against you.

- Clam up, Oliver, until I get you a mousepiece.

- I am a mousepiece, or a lawyer.

- Make a run for it, Oliver.

I'll throw the net over his head.

- Lisa, please.

- And just who are you?

- I am the wife of the grand larson.

- Well, maybe you better come along, too.

- Where are my handcuffs?

- Oh, I don't think you'll try and get away.

- I always do.

- Lisa.

Sheriff, you're making a mistake.

- Would you mind coming along?

And if I do make a mistake,

it won't be the first one I've made in my life.

Now, come along.

- I want my ring.

Come on.

- 291, 292, 293.

- Hank.

- 294, 295, 296.

- Hank?

- Yes?

Oh, where'd Mr. And Mrs. Douglas go?

- They were arrested.

- Oh.

- 297, 298, 299, 300.

- All right, let's go over this once more.

Why don't you two tell me the truth?

Where did you get that jewelry?

- Well, you see we were onboard ship.

And while I was entertaining the captain,

my husband went through all the state rooms.

- Lisa.

- Well, we told them the other story 12 times

and they didn't believe us.

I thought they might like this one better.

- Tell us once more.

- Okay.

We were onboard ship.

- Not that one, the other one.

- This morning I came into the kitchen.

- And he gave me a two pants kiss.

- We're not interested in your sex life.

- Why not?

- You opened a box of cereal.

What was in it?

- Crickly Wicklys.

- Besides those.

- The diamond wristwatch.

- And then your hired hand opened a box

and he found that emerald bracelet.

- I thought you wanted us to tell the story.

- Then, tell it.

- Well, you see, we were on this ship.

- One more time and I'm locking you up.

Go ahead.

- Look, I opened a box of cereal

and I found a picture of Yogi Berra.

- Then what?

- Well.

- Then, I opened a box and I found a diamond ring.

And then Eb opened a box and found sapphire earrings.

- And then I opened one and got a picture of...

Yogi Berra.

- Right.

- Mr. Douglas, doesn't it seem strange to you

that everybody else found jewelry

and all you got was two Yogi Berra baseball cards?

- Well, you know the old saying.

Lucky in love, unlucky in opening cereal boxes.

- I'm not the only one that got Yogi Berra.

Mrs. Ziffel got one, too.

- Oh, I thought Mrs. Ziffel found this.

- No, Arnold found that.

- And who is Arnold?

- He's the Ziffel's pig.

- Oh, he opened the package himself?

- Yes.

He does lots of things.

He turns on the TV, he rides a bicycle, he goes to school.

- This is a pig you're talking about?

- Yes.

Mrs. Ziffel can't do any of those things.

- And you claim that this belongs to the pig.

- That's right.

- And you stole it from him.

- No.

He came over to trade a bracelet he got

for a pair of earrings to go with the choker.

- Oh, boy.

- Then, what did you do?

- I took the jewelry up to the jeweler in Pixley.

- And tried to sell it.

- You didn't tell me that part.

- He said I tried to sell it.

- How does he know?

- Look, all I did was get it appraised.

I didn't believe it was real.

- Oh, come now, Mr. Douglas.

You certainly must've thought it was real

when you took all that trouble to blow the safe.

- You didn't tell me that part either.

- I didn't blow any safe.

I didn't steal any jewelry.

I found it where I said I did.

- It'll be asy to check your story.

We'll call the Cuckly Wuckly company.

- Crackly Whackly, uh, Kookly Wook.

Huntly Brinkly.

- He'll get around to it.

- Crickly Wickly.

- I told you.

- Get 'em on the phone.

- Just a second.

There's no point in calling them.

I already did.

- And what'd they say?

- Well, they said... - Yes?

- Well, how could they tell on the phone if I was drunk?

I mean.

- Well, I always could tell.

- I don't blame you for getting drunk.

You made a pretty nice haul there.

- Look, I know my rights.

Now, either you... - Sheriff Prentice?

- Yes.

- Chicago police.

- Nice to meet you, Deputy.

- Hello there.

I am Lisa Douglas and this is my husband, Oliver.

What can we do for you?

- Mrs. Douglas, please.

Now, what can I do for you fellas?

- Looks like you've already done it.

That's the loot from the Berkman heist.

Where did you get it?

- We've been trying to tell them.

We found it in the cereal.

- Now, if you don't like that story,

we have another one where we were on the ship

and I was entertaining the captain and...

- Quiet.

- This man's right.

According to our investigation,

the crooks stashed the loot in a bin at the cereal factory

and it got packed in the boxes by mistake.

- I'll be doggone.

- I told you.

Now, are we free to go or would you like to have me sue you?

- Hey, what do you think you're doing?

- That belongs to him.

- It does not.

- It does, too.

- Don't tell me.

That choker was one of the very first things

we took out of the safe.

- Big mouth!

- Don't move, I got ya covered.

- I emptied out all the pickles, dumped out the brine,

but your ring isn't in there.

- It has to be.

- No, it doesn't.

I just remembered.

I wasn't wearing it this morning.

I left it on the sink when I was washing dishes.

- Lisa, Mr. Drucker ruined a whole barrel of pickles.

- Oh, don't worry about 'em.

They're plastic.

- Plastic pickles?

- I just keep 'em there for city folks.

They kind of expect to see a pickle barrel

in a general store.

Gotta keep up our backwood appearance.

- Yes, I guess you... - Oh, hi Clyde.

- Hello, Sam.

Hello there, Sheriff.

- Hello, folks.

I've been looking all over for you two.

I wanted to apologize for doubting your story.

- Oh, that's all right, Sheriff.

We understand.

- Thanks.

Now, if you'll both come along with me please,

I want to take you in for questioning.

- What for?

I thought you said you believed our story.

- About the cereal.

It's the other story I want to talk to you about.

I got a flyer from Interpol about this couple

that are wanted for working transatlantic steamers.

Seems that she entertains the captain

while he goes through the state rooms.

- My wife just made up that story.

- Can we discuss it down at headquarters?

- Well, I'll be.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.