Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Oliver, Oliver you're snoring.

Now roll over your side.

- Turn the light off.

- Oliver you're snoring again.

- Will you stop pushing me outta bed.

- I didn't push you.

- Go to sleep.

- Then stop falling out of bed.

I can't sleep with that nose noise you're making.

- Put some cotton in your ears.

Something.

What?

Oh Lisa, turn that thing off.

- Well, I can't sleep, I'm wide awake.

- Well I'd like to sleep.

Now, please, turn it off.

Now what?

- This doesn't work.

No wonder it didn't work.

It's got that long thing in there.

- Well, it's supposed to be in here.

But I think I can...

- You did it.

- I can't get my finger out.

- It turned on again.

What did you change the channel for?

Lisa, if you want to watch TV, you watch it.

- Where are you going?

- To sleep on the couch.

- Good morning darling.

- Oh, you still got the rollers.

- Look, Lisa.

- Oh, I'm sorry about the fight we had last night.

- Oh that's alright.

- It was all my fault.

- It wasn't all your fault.

- I know, some of it was your fault.

- Well look, Li...

Alright, some of it was my fault.

- Come to think, most of it was your fault.

- If it will make you feel any better,

most of it was my fault.

- Well, you don't have to take the blame

for the whole thing.

Some of it was my fault.

But more of it was your fault,

than my fault.

- Yes, Lisa, I don't wanna argue with you.

- Well, neither do I.

Oliver?

- Hmm?

- You know we've been having

an awful lot of arguments lately.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm aware of that.

- And it's high time we had a talk about it.

- Oh?

- Sit down.

- Okay.

- Alright, what do you want to talk about?

- You're the one that said we should talk.

- Well, it's just that I've been thinking

about all this arguings you've been starting lately.

And I think it's time we did something about it.

- And what would you suggest?

- Well, according to my physiatrist...

- What physiatrist?

- The girl that does my nails, Betty.

- Oh yes, doctor Betty.

- She's not a real psychiatrist,

she's just good with the nail polish and the advice.

Every time she finds that she and her husband

have been arguing too much,

they take a separate vacation.

- Is that what you're suggesting?

- That we take a vacation from each other?

- Mm-hmm.

- Good.

- Oliver!

- What?

- Don't you want to argue about it?

- No, I think it's a good idea.

- In other words, you want to get rid of me.

- No.

- Well, then why did you bring up the idea

of separate vacations?

- It was your idea.

But anyway, I think a vacation from each other

might be an intelligent solution to our squabbling.

As a matter of fact, when I was practicing law,

I suggested myself to several of my clients

who were thinking about getting divorced.

- Oh!

So that's what you want?

A divorce?

- No, I don't.

- Well, what do you want?

- A good night's sleep.

- You wouldn't mind if I went away for myself?

- Yes I'd mind.

But I think it'll do us a lot of good.

- I think you're right.

- You could go to New York,

see some shows, buy some clothes.

- I tell you what.

Why don't you come to New York with me?

- Lisa, the idea's for us to get away

from each other for a little while,

and afterwards, why,

it'll be like when we were first married.

- Well, that wasn't very much fun.

- What?

- You were out of a job,

and you always borrowed money from my father.

- Lisa, may I ask you one simple question?

- What?

- How quickly could you pack?

Is that all?

- No sir.

There are two more suitcases.

Gee, I hate to see you two split up.

- Eb, we're not...

- Why don't you apologize?

Maybe she'll forgive you.

- Look...

- Dad, you have no right to do this to mom.

- Eb, I am not your dad, she is not your mother,

and I didn't do anything to her.

- Then why is she leaving you?

- She's not leaving me.

We're taking a vacation from each other,

because we were beginning to get on each other's nerves.

- You get on my nerves,

and I don't wanna take a vacation from you.

- Look Eb... - I'm ready.

- Please mom, don't go.

Dad is sorry.

That other woman didn't really mean anything to him.

- What other woman?

- Don't pay any attention to him.

His little brain just cracked.

- This is wrong, wrong.

- Eb, get the two bags.

- Get 'em yourself.

You're kicking her out.

- That silly... - I don't have to go.

- Lisa, we've been all over this,

and we both agreed that it would be the best thing

for both of us.

Now, let me get the rest of your bags,

or you're gonna miss your train.

Better get on the train.

- If you get lonesome, call me and I'll be right back.

- Yes, if I do, I will.

- You will what?

- Call you.

- I'll be staying at the nice Sheraton hotel.

- Good.

- I'll be registered under my own name.

- Oh, that's fine.

Come on, you better get on.

- Oh, look after yourself.

- Don't you worry about me.

- Bye!

- Goodbye!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, mister Kimball.

- She's gone huh?

- Yes.

- Well, that's the last you'll ever see of her.

- What?

- Aw, don't feel too bad mister Douglas,

you'll both find somebody else.

Well, she will.

You may have a little trouble.

- Mister Kimball, she's just going to New York.

We're taking a short vacation from each other.

- Short vacation?

That's what my father told my mother when he took off.

That was 40 years ago, and she's still looking for him.

- Oh boy.

- Say, now that you're a bachelor,

I imagine you'll be getting at your little black book,

and...

- Mister Kimball, I threw away my little black book

a long time ago.

- Oh.

Do you happen to remember where you threw it?

- No.

- Well, I think I can stir up a little action for us.

- Thank you, mister Kimball,

but I'll find something to do to keep myself occupied

while Mrs. Douglass is away.

- How long has she been gone?

- She just left!

- Well, maybe I can keep you out of mischief.

Why don't you come over to the house for supper?

My father always said my mother was a great cook.

Well, he didn't always say it.

He wasn't with us very long.

- Thank you very much, Mr. Kimball.

I may take you up on that.

Oh, hi Mr. Drucker.

- Oh you.

- Uh, yes... - Pick out whatever you want.

Put the money on the counter and leave.

- What's the matter with you?

- How could you do that to Mrs. Douglas?

Kicking her out in the cold

just because she'd rather watch TV,

than listen to you snore?

- Mr. Drucker...

- Eb told me the whole sorted story.

Including how you kept pushing her outta bed.

- Eb is a nut!

Mrs. Douglas and I are just taking a vacation

from each other.

Married couples need to once in a while.

- Oh, well I'm glad it aint serious.

You going anywhere?

- No.

I'm just going to stay home and sleep,

and relax, and read.

- Hello?

Oh yes he is here.

It's for you.

- Hello?

- Hello dear.

- Oh Lisa.

- Do you miss me?

- Well how could I miss you, you just left.

- Well I miss you.

- Where are you?

- At the county airport waiting for plane.

But I don't have to get on it.

- Aw look, Lisa, we've gone all through this.

Now get on the plane, go on to New York,

and forget all about me.

- Are you going to forget about me?

- Lisa, have a good time.

Goodbye.

Now boarding at Gate 7,

Trans Pixley Airlines flight 22 for New York,

via Eagles Bluff, Meadows, Wilsonville,

Plat Ridge, and Jersey City.

First class passengers will be served dinner.

Please pick it up at the lunch counter before boarding.

- I guess that's me.

- Oh Eb, I want you to...

- Supper will be ready in a minute.

- Supper?

I wasn't planning...

What are those?

- Flat cakes.

Mrs. Douglas told me to make them just like she does,

so you won't miss her.

- Bye.

- Where do you think you're going?

- To the Pixley Diner.

What do you think you're doing?

Going to the Pixley Diner with you.

Ah, Eb, if you don't mind,

I'd rather go by myself.

- Not without me.

- Now look, Eb...

- Mrs. Douglas told me to keep an eye on ya,

and I intend to.

- Look, Eb...

- Mrs. Douglas gave me my instructions.

I'm to cook for ya, stay with ya,

and sing you this Hungarian lullaby before you go to sleep.

- Eb!

Look, I appreciate your devotion to duty.

But I'm driving to Pixley alone.

- Well, I don't think so.

I got your distributor cap.

- Give me that.

- No sir.

- Eb, how would you like to look for another job?

- I'd be glad to.

- Then start looking.

- Not until I save this marriage.

- Eb please!

There's nothing wrong with my marriage.

It's nice to be alone once in a while.

And I'm sure Mrs. Douglas feels the same way.

- "With All My Love, Oliver".

If you really loved me, you would've called me.

I've been here an hour,

and my bell hasn't rung yet.

Well, I'm not going to call you either.

I've got my pride.

Hello, operator?

Did you just ring this room?

Well, you better check.

Why don't you call the Hootersville Operator,

and ask her if that wasn't my husband who didn't call me.

Hootersville.

It's right next to Pixley.

What is the nearest big city?

Crever Corners.

Well ask around.

I'm sure you're going to find it.

- Hello, hello?

- Hello.

- Lisa!

- Who is this?

- Oliver.

- What's wrong?

What are you calling about?

- Well, I didn't call you, you called me.

- Oh, I must've dialed your number by mistake.

- Oh, you're lonesome, huh?

- Well, maybe a little.

Are you a little?

- Yeah, a little.

- I'll be right home.

- No Lisa!

Just stay there.

- What'll I do with myself?

- Call some of your friends.

- I did and he's busy.

- Well why don't you...

What do you mean "he's busy"?

- My uncle.

Shook you up for a minute, didn't I?

- Yes, yes.

Did you have dinner yet?

- No.

- Why don't you call room service,

and order dinner in the room?

You always like that.

- I don't want to eat by myself in the room.

- Then go down and eat in the dining room?

- Is that what you want me to do?

- Yes, that's what I want you to do.

- Then I do it.

- Good.

- I love you.

- And I love you.

Goodbye.

- Oh, Oliver, when are you going to call me again?

- I didn't c...

Late in the week.

Bye.

- Goodbye.

- Eh Lisa, don't call me again,

unless it's an emergency, huh?

Bye.

Oh for...

Alright, I'm coming!

- Keep ringing.

The phone is on top of the pole,

and it's going to take him some time to climb it.

- Hello.

- Hello dear.

- Lisa?

- I took your advice and I came down

to have dinner in the dining room.

- I told you not to call me unless it was an emergency.

- This is.

I don't know what to order for dinner.

- What?

- Well, you always order for me.

- Lisa, do you realize it's raining,

and I'm standing up here on top of the pole

with an umbrella?

- Well, it won't take long.

Just a moment.

What's your name?

- Charles madam.

- Oliver, I'll let you talk to Charles,

he's the waiter.

This is my husband Mr. Douglas.

He will order for me.

- Yes madam.

- Now don't take long,

he's on top of the pole with an umbrella.

- Good evening, sir.

May I take your wife's order.

- Uh, what have you got?

- You wish me to read the menu for you sir?

- No, look, give her a lobster.

- Yes sir.

- Oh oh oh, I'll help you.

- Oh thank you madam.

One lobster.

- One lobster.

I don't feel like lobster.

- Madam does not feel like lobster.

- Well what does she feel like?

- He wants to know what you do feel like.

- Oh, may I see the menu?

- Just a moment sir, madam is looking at the menu.

- Well why didn't she look at it before?

- I think I'll have a steak.

- Madam wishes a steak sir.

- Then give her one.

- How does madam like her steak cooked sir?

- Medium rare.

- Medium rare, very good sir.

Anything else sir?

A baked potato, a dinner salad, a coffee,

and chocolate mousse.

- You realize sir,

that dessert is not included in the dinner.

However, if she does not take any soup,

I might be able to substitute a rice pudding.

- Give her whatever she wants.

- Yes sir.

Oh, just a moment sir, madam wants to talk to you.

- Hello dear.

Thanks for ordering dinner for me.

- You're welcome.

- As long as I have you on the phone,

do you want to order breakfast for me?

- No!

- Do you miss me?

- How can I miss you?

I've been on the phone with you

every since you left.

Now please don't call me again.

Goodbye.

- Shall I bring your dinner madam?

I think I'll have dinner in my room.

- Come in.

- Good evening, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, hitting the bottle, huh?

Mr. Douglas, that aint no cure for lonesomeness.

- I am not...

- Now, I know how much you miss the little woman,

and that is why I'm here.

My card please.

- My I have my bottle?

- As soon as you read my card.

- "Haney's Lonesome Service"

Now may I have my bottle?

- If you subscribe to my service,

you won't need this.

- Hey!

That was 40 year old scotch!

- When you're lonesome, age don't count.

- Mr. Haney.

- How long is your wife gonna be gone?

- I don't know.

- Then I would advise you to start with the

one week de-lonelyizing service.

For $15, I will fill your idle hours

with fun and frolic that won't give you a chance

to think how lonesome you are.

- Yes, well I...

The fun includes horse shoe pitching,

and advanced lessons in how to dance the big apple.

- Oh, I'm not interested, and I'm going to sleep.

- Well listen, here's something that'll keep you

from being lonely in bed.

A full color picture of the Beverly Hillbillies,

that lights up in the dark.

- Mr. Haney, all I want is a little peace and quiet.

Now, goodnight.

Mr. Haney, will you leave me alone!

- It aint Haney, it's Fred Ziffel.

Howdy Mr. Douglas.

Me and Arnold just come over to see how you're getting along

after being all alone.

- Well, that's very nice of you.

- Arnold brought you a book.

- Oh yes, thank you.

The Three Little Pigs.

- That's his favorite story.

I'll bet he's read it more than a hundred times.

How could he...

- Don't tell him how it ends Arnold,

you'll spoil the whole thing.

- Yes, well...

- I know what you're going through, Mr. Douglas.

Being here alone.

Doris has been gone for two months,

but I'm luckier than you.

I've got Arnold here to take her place.

- Yes, you are lucky.

- I like to share my luck.

Arnold's gonna stay here and keep you company,

until your wife gets back.

Wait a minute...

- Think nothing of it.

Goodnight.

- But Mr. Ziffel.

What the...

Get out of there.

Go on home.

Fred needs you more than I do.

Peace and quiet.

How did that get in here?

What's the use.

- Hello.

Hello, this is Mrs. Douglas.

Would you please tell them to get my bill ready.

I'm checking out.

Oliver?

I'm home.

Oliver?

- Mrs. Douglas.

I thought that was you.

- Eb, where is my husband?

- Oh, I took him to the airport.

He said he was going to New York to see you.

- She checked out?

- Oh yes sir, she said she was going back home.

Would you like to register sir?

- No thanks, I gotta get back to the airport.

Lisa? Lisa?

- She's not here.

- Didn't she come back?

- Yes sir.

But when she found out you went to New York,

she went back there.

- This is the front desk, may I help you?

- Yes, hello, this is Mr. Douglas.

Did my wife come back?

- Yes sir.

- Would you connect me with her room please.

- She didn't check in.

When she found out you weren't here,

she went back to the airport to return home.

- Oh well.

Thank you, thank you very much.

I don't understand it.

- Maybe she missed the plane.

Maybe we should've gone to New York.

Oh what good would that...

Hey, maybe that's her.

- Keep ringing, he'll be there.

Hello?

- Hello there.

- Lisa?

Where are you?

- Miami.

- Miami?

- I got on the wrong plane.

When you're not with me, I always get confused.

What will I do?

Check in at the and Gleason Hotel,

and I'll join you there tomorrow.

- I'll get the honeymoon suite?

- Just get a room, and stay put.

- Hello?

- Lisa.

- Oliver.

I've been waiting for you.

Where are you?

- Cuba.

- Why did you go there?

I thought we were going to meet here in Miami.

- I was.

But there was some nut on the plane with a gun.

The next thing I know, we were landing in Havana.

- Do you want me to get a plane ticket and a gun,

and meet you there?

- No no, you stay right there.

They're flying us back tomorrow.

Bye.

- Havana.

What a phony story that is.

If you think I'm going to believe...

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.