Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas, come out here, quick!

- Oh, I wonder what's the matter?

- Don't stand there holding your nose,

come on outside!

Will you tell me what's the matter?

- Look!

- Oh, honey, well, congratulations!

You're a father!

- Lisa!

- Aren't you gonna give me a cigar, Dad?

- The only thing I'm gonna give you...

- Ah, we better take care of them.

- The mother will take care of them.

- Well, she's probably still in the hospital.

Do you think you ought to send her some flowers, Oliver?

- Yes, that would be a nice thing to do.

- Oh, and you better go into Drocker's

and get some bottles and nipples

and get the formula from the doctor.

- Lisa, they're chickens.

Put them in the oven.

- That's a nice thing to do to your own children!

Fricassee them.

- I'm not gonna Frica, no just put them near the stove

to keep them warm.

- Ah, then you do care.

- You're a good man.

You don't pay much, but you're a good man.

- Lisa, did you... - Shh.

Now you woke the kids up.

- Oh.

But that's the silliest thing I ever heard of.

- Wait 'til you hear this.

This is to give the chicks a bath in.

- You can't bathe them.

- Oh you want to raise them up to be hippies?

- Great.

Then we'll have a couple of hip chicks.

- Out!

- I need him.

He's going to take them for a walk after their baths.

- Lisa, don't you understand, they're chickens.

You don't raise chickens like children.

- Chickens do.

- Chickens do.

- That's what Mrs. Douglas said.

- I know!

- Then why are you getting mad?

- Because they're... - Since when do you

know so much about how to raise chickens?

- Because, for the last couple of months

I've been thinking about raising chickens.

- Uh oh.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- That means you're gonna do it again.

But this time with chickens.

- Look, Eb.

- Every time you think about doing something on the farm

it's the start of another catastrophe

like your corn catastrophe, the wheat catastrophe

and all those other, to whom it may concern catastrophes.

- Eb, I don't need you to...

- I think it's a big mistake to go into chicken farming.

- Out!

And this time I mean it.

- Yes sir.

- Oliver.

Why don't you listen to Eb?

- Why should I listen to a stupid kid?

- Well, guess who's generation gap is showing?

- Lisa, there's a lot of money in raising chickens.

As a matter of fact, Mr. Kimball promised to bring me

some of those department of agriculture pamphlets

on the subject.

- There you are Mr. Douglas.

Now these are the pamphlets you requested

on raising chickens.

- My name ain't Douglas.

- Then why'd you ask for the pamphlets?

- I didn't ask for no pamphlets.

- Just a second.

I remember distinctly, well I don't remember distinctly,

but I remember his wife, Gladys, distinctly.

Yeah, she was a tall girl with uh,

no, she was a short girl with,

did you ever meet her Mr. Douglas?

- I told you I ain't Douglas.

- You're not?

- No, I'm Fred Ziffel.

- Are you sure?

- I oughta know who I am.

- Yeah, I guess you should.

Who are ya?

- I'm Fred Ziffel.

- Then what are you doing with Mr. Douglas' pamphlets?

- Oh, hello Mr. Kimball.

- Hi Mr. Ziffel.

- Look, I'm not Mr. Ziffel.

- Strange.

The other fella said his name wasn't Douglas

and you say your name isn't Ziffel.

What are you people trying to pull?

- Look, Mr. Kimball, I've been expecting you.

- To do what?

- To bring over those pamphlets.

- Oh.

That why you came over?

- Yes, that's why I came over.

- Well, thanks a lot for your trouble.

You can drop in any time.

- Mr. Kimball, the pamphlets.

- Oh yes, thanks for them too.

- May I please have them?

- Why certainly.

Oh by the way, what are you gonna do with them?

- I'm going to read 'em.

- Why?

- I'm going to raise chickens.

- To be what?

- What do you usually raise chickens to be?

- Gee, I don't know, I never read the pamphlets.

- Goodbye Mr. Kimball.

- Goodbye Mr. Ziffel.

That's funny, sure doesn't look like Mr. Ziffel.

- How many chicks are you figuring on buying Mr. Douglas?

- I thought I'd start out with about 1,000.

- Oh, you know when you buy baby chicks

there are a lotta problems.

First you need a brooder house.

- Yes I know about that.

I've already called Alf and Ralph to come over

and partition off part of the barn.

- Good.

You'll need a heater for the brooder house too.

You see, normally young chicks

sit under their mother to keep warm.

But if you have 1,000 chicks,

you either need a brooder or an awful big mother.

- I'm aware of that.

- Hey, maybe you could borrow my brother's brooder.

It used to be my mother's brooder,

but she gave the brooder to my brother

because my mother had another brooder.

And I didn't have another brother who needed a brooder.

- Are you finished?

- Yes sir, unless you'd like to hear about my sister

with the blister.

- Hello there.

- Hello.

Now we're gonna need some water in the brooder

so I thought what we would do,

we would take some.

Lisa, would you mind keeping those things quiet?

- You heard your father, no more peeping.

I just wanted ask Eb if you could take the kids

for some air.

- Sure.

Where's the baby carriage?

- I left it outside the back door.

- Yes ma'am.

- A baby carriage?

- But it isn't really a baby carriage.

It's the wheelbarrow.

But I fixed it up.

I put some ribbons on the handles.

- Oh, fine, fine.

- Oliver.

Do you mind if I turn on the TV?

- Yes, I... - But I want to watch

Tomorrow Will Be Brighter.

It's my favorite soap opera.

- Lisa, I'm up to my...

- I don't know why they call it the soap opera.

I've been watching it for two months

and nobody ever took a bath.

- Lisa, I'm trying to...

- It's about this woman who is in love with two man.

One is a jockey and the other one is sick all the time.

But she can't tell which is which,

because yesterday she dropped one of her contact lenses

in her soup.

- May I?

- Where are we going?

- We are not going anywhere.

You are going out.

And don't come back!

- They just wanted to say bye bye to Papa.

- I want you to build me a brooder house.

- In here?

- No, not in here!

- Oh good.

For a moment I thought you might want us

to destroy the magnificent work we did

to make this room the palatial, whatever it is.

- It's supposed to be a bedroom

and I'll discuss that with you

when you finish building the brooder house.

- If that's what you want, You've come to the right people,

didn't he Ralph.

- He sure did.

What's a brooder house?

- Now look.

- Where's your sense of humor doll?

- Will you keep your hands off of me?

- I'll try but it won't be easy.

- Now where do you want us to build this,

what's the name of it again?

- A brooder house.

Maybe I'd better get somebody else.

- Will you stop worrying Mr. Douglas?

We specialize in building, uh, um, uh,

whatever you call those those.

- They're called boodo houses.

- No, broodo hou,

booder, uh Buddha, Buddha house?

- Buddha house?

Oh sorry, we don't build religious structures.

- How big do you want this broozle house?

- Big enough for 1,000 chicks.

- Oh then we'll have to figure out

how many square feet we'll need.

Have you got the slide rule out?

- I'll need 960 square feet.

You'll have to partition off part of the barn.

I wanna move some walls.

Wait, I made a sketch here.

There you are.

- This won't work!

- Why not?

- The ceiling's on the ground

and the floor is up in the air.

- You've got it upside down.

- Oh, so that's what bugle house looks like.

- Yes, I want you to build one for me.

Now how long will it take to finish it?

- Let me see the slide rule Ralph.

- I'll tell you how long it will take.

I want it finished in one week.

Boy.

- Precious is sure in a bad mood.

He didn't even kiss me goodbye.

- Oh Mr. Drucker.

- Be right there.

Hi folks.

Hiya.

- Oh, Mr. Drucker, what's the matter?

- I was just watching today's episode

of Tomorrow Will be Brighter.

- Oh, I missed it.

What's his name wouldn't let me watch.

Did the woman find her contact lens in the soup?

- Yeah but one of the noodles scratched it.

- How could a noodle scratch it?

- Well maybe it wasn't cooked enough.

- Anyway, she could hardly read the letter

she got from her boyfriend.

- The jockey?

- No the one that was sick all the time.

He wrote her to tell her

he was running off with his lady druggist.

Didn't really love her, but it was the only way

he could figure to get his medicines at a discount.

- Mr. Drucker, if you don't mind I'd like to order some...

- Just a minute.

I want to find out what's going to happen

to that poor woman.

- Oh things are gonna get worse, much worse.

Some nut talked her into raising chickens.

Well, Mr. Douglas, what can I do for ya?

- Eh, I came in to order some baby chicks.

- You're going to raise chickens in the face

of that poor woman?

- Yes, I am, right in her face.

I want about 1,000 of them.

- Are you sure you don't wanna wait 'til tomorrow's episode

and see how that poor woman makes out?

- No.

- 1,000 chicks.

You want 'em straight run or sexed?

- Sexed.

- Why do you need sexy chickens?

- Not sexy, sexed.

You see at the hatchery they have these experts

who determine whether the chicks are male or female.

- Well why do you have to know that?

- I'm a busy body!

- Seems to me you don't need an expert to find that out.

All you have to do is put all the chickens together

and the ones that wink are the boy chickens

and the ones they wink at are the girl chickens.

- I'd like white leg ones.

- Yes sir.

- And I'll need a brooder.

- Why buy one?

Maybe you can borrow Eb's brother's brooder.

It was his mother's brooder,

but she gave the brooder to Eb's brother

because his mother had another brooder.

- I heard all about Eb's brooder's brother,

er breeders brother, er, breeders, brooders.

- Did you hear about his sister with the blister?

- Mr. Drucker will you just order the chicks for me?

- Yes sir.

And the brooder?

- Please.

- How about some feeders?

This is a Fedder feeder.

- Are we going to feed them feathers?

- No no, this feeder is made by Fedders.

Fact it's the finest feeder Fedders makes

and Fedders Feeders are the leaders among feeders.

- Well what do you need that for?

- Well this is what the chicks eat out of.

- Well we don't need those.

We've got an extra set of china.

- Have we got enough silverware?

- Well, we could use a few more spoons.

- Just order the feeders and anything else

you think we might need.

Thank you.

Now come on Lisa.

- Are we going home?

- No, I thought it would be nice

if we could stop by and see if there's anything we could do

for Eb's sister's blisters.

What was that?

Oh, it's you Mr. Haney.

- At your service Mr. Douglas.

Member of the Fryers Club!

- It's a play on words.

- Oh, well thanks for letting me see it.

- Well now that I've brought a little levity into your life,

may I have your check or money order for $50?

- For what?

- The Haney chicken raising kit.

Which contains all of the essentials

for starting your own chicken farm.

- I don't need any of your essen...

- Now may I introduce you to the egg making team

of Raul and Vera.

You probably saw 'em on the Ed Sullivan show years ago

when they was the stars of Chuckawalla's Chickens.

- I suppose they were a dance team?

- No they was an ice skating act.

- But they'd still be with Chuckawalla

but while Vera was doing her famous imitation

of Sonja Hiney, she sprained her ankle.

And the doctor said she could never ice skate anymore.

- Ooo, that's sad.

- Yeah, but the show must go on.

So while Vera was convalescent,

she learned to play the piano.

- What?

Look, I don't...

- Play something for Mr. Douglas Vera.

- What the?

- She sure has a great beak for Mozart.

- Look, I don't need a chicken act.

- Neither did anybody else.

That's why Raul and Vera were forced to return

to their native craft of egg laying.

From their eggs are hatched

the most beautiful chicks in the world.

- I've already ordered 1,000 chicks from Mr. Drucker.

- Well having chicks is one thing.

But getting 'em to lay eggs, that's another.

That's why you'll need this.

The Haney egg laying inducing machine.

- The egg laying inducing?

- Protected by the U.S. Patent number 165437284.

- Look, I... - Dash 8.

Now this machine works on the principle

that if you don't work you don't eat.

May I demonstrate?

- Is there any way to prevent you?

- No.

Now the hen, or as we call her, the layee,

sits here at the top of the machine.

Now when she lays an egg it drops down through this funnel

and proceeds down this series of troughs

and the egg is sized and candled while in full motion.

When the egg reaches the bottom it hits this lever

which rings a bell.

This is a signal to her partner, Raul,

it's the signal for him to pull that string.

And that releases chicken feed for her

from this feed bin.

- I can't believe it.

- That's what they said at the U.S. Patent Office

when they first saw it.

- Now to start the egg production,

first we have to prime the machine.

Now for this we use a golf ball.

You ready Raul?

The golf ball has just been candled.

Now that the cycle has started,

the hen knows that she's got to lay an egg

in order to get food.

- Why doesn't she just drop another golf ball down there?

- Oh, that would be cheating.

Now if you'll just be patient,

Vera will start her egg production any moment.

You'd better avert your eyes, Vera's a little shy.

- Mr. Haney we could stand here all day

and nothing.

- Raul, how many times have I told you,

never pull the string on a broken egg.

- Thank you Mr. Haney.

- Then you're interested in making a purchase?

- I'll take three golf balls.

- Raul, will ya cut that out?

Vera's eating up all the overhead.

- Yeah, the boozer house is all finished Mr. Douglas.

- It's not a boozer.

- You'll love it precious.

- And don't call me precious.

- You're blushing.

- Just took us five days, like ya said.

- Of course we had to work overtime.

It's gonna cost ya a little more than ya figured.

- How much?

- You got the slide rule out?

- Nevermind that.

Just show me what you've done.

- I'm sure it's gonna thrill ya

to the cockles of your black little heart.

- Well let me be the judge of that.

I wanna see.

- Ralph, you were supposed to tell him

about the chicken wire.

- No, you were supposed to tell him about it.

- You hammerheads.

What did ya put that there for?

- Well that's to keep the chickens

from getting outta the brooder house.

- Yeah, the brooder house.

Where is it?

- You're standing in it.

- Yeah, it runs from the chicken wire

to the back wall of the barn, from that wall to that wall.

- I didn't want you to use the whole barn!

- Well it's the only way we could make a 980 square feet

like you wanted.

- Oh Al!

- That'll be $4,000.

- For what?

Some chicken wire?

- Oh, I forgot about the chicken wire.

That's another $44.

- I'm not gonna pay you a cent.

- After all the work we did clearing out the barn.

Removing the cow stall.

- Yeah what.

Where's Eleanor?

- We put her up in Eb's room.

- What?

How did you get her up there?

- It wasn't easy.

- Well get her down.

- Oliver.

Mr. Drucker called.

The chicks are at his store.

- Yeah, and your brooder and everything else you ordered

are there too.

- This place is a wreck!

Oh all right, we'll use it.

- That'll be $4,000.

- Eb, take my car and go to Druckers and pick up the chicks.

- Oh I don't have to get 'em.

I told Mr. Drucker to give the head chick your address

and tell the other chicks to follow him.

- Eb, get the chicks!

- Yes sir.

- And don't forget his check book.

- You're not getting paid anything.

- Why not?

- Look where they put Eleanor.

- Isn't that nice?

Now she has a room of her own.

- Eb, you see this thermometer?

- What'd you say?

- I said you see this thermometer?

- Just a second, I can't hear you.

Would you chicks keep quiet?

- Now what were you saying?

- You see the thermometer here on the brooder?

- Yes sir.

- The temperature has to be kept at 90 degrees.

So I want you to keep an eye on it.

And if it drops below that, you call me.

No matter what time of day or night it is.

- George.

Michelle.

Boris.

- Lisa, what are you doing?

- I'm giving the chicks names.

Edward.

- Now what was I saying?

- Some crazy thing about me watching the temperature

all day and all night.

- No, you don't have to watch all night.

We'll take turns.

You watch for four hours and I'll watch for four hours.

- Where am I supposed to sleep when I'm off watch?

- Up in your room.

- Eleanor's got my room.

- You take the first watch.

- Holy smoke.

Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas.

- What's the, what's the matter?

- I don't know.

Come in.

- Mr. Douglas, something just happened

to the hooter on the breeder.

Brooder on the hooter.

Well it isn't working.

The light went out and the temperature's dropping.

- Oh.

How are the chicks?

- Not so good.

They're all standing around shivering and coughing.

- Well they'll get pneumonia.

- Oliver, Oliver do something.

- Well what can we do?

- Well you're not very good in a crisus.

- A crisis.

- I always thought it was crosis.

- Whatever it is, we've gotta find some way

to keep those chicks warm.

- Leave it to a woman.

Should I turn the blanket up to high?

- No, no, about half way'll be alright.

- This sure was good thinking Mr. Douglas.

You sure are a lot smarter than Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, he would've thought of it eventually.

- Are you gonna use this room for the brooder house

from no own?

- Oh no, no, no.

They go back to the barn just as soon as I get

Mr. Drucker to replace that defective brooder.

Mr. Drucker.

Mr. Drucker?

Coming.

- Uh Mr. Drucker, I've got a very sick...

- Doggone, that program gets sadder every day.

- Oh I missed it again.

What happened to the poor woman today?

- Nevermind, I've got my own problems.

- Not like hers.

'Member I told ya about that fella

who was sick all the time

and left her and she was gonna start a chicken farm?

Well she ordered a buncha chicks and the very first night

something happened to the brooder.

The chicks were all gonna get pneumonia.

But do you know what she did?

- She brought them all into the bedroom

and put them under the electric blanket.

- Oh, you saw the program.

- No, I didn't.

Lisa, did you get the idea from the...

- No I didn't.

I didn't see the program.

- Well then how would you know what...

- I guess all women think alike in a crusis.

- Cresis.

- I always thought it was crisis.

- Look Mr. Drucker, the brooder went off last night,

it's defective.

- Oh I'm sorry.

Well I'll replace it, but it'll take about a week.

- A week?

What am I gonna do with the chicks in the meantime?

- You've got the same problem as the poor woman.

I wonder how she's going to get out of it.

- Yes, I wonder.

Sara, I want the Columbia Broadcasting system in New York.

Yes, I wanna talk to the poor woman who's the star

of Tomorrow Will Be Brighter.

This has been a Filmways presentation darling.