Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Lands spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just gimme that country side

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores, the stores

♪ Fresh air, Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life!

♪ Green Acres we are there!

- Oh hi. - Hello, dear!

Lunch is ready.

- Oh good, I'm starved!

What are we having?

- It's a surprise, sit down.

There you are.

- Okay, I'm surprised.

What is it?

- Peanut butter!

Those are the peanuts and that's the butter,

and you put them together and... - Oh I see!

It's a do-it-yourself peanut butter kit.

Look, Lisa...

- If you like the chunky style,

you can leave the shells on.

Have a good lunch.

- Hi, am I late for lunch?

- No, no, you're just in time, sit down.

There you are!

- Oh, boy, my favorite!

Do-it-yourself peanut butter!

- Your favorite? - Is there any jelly?

- Yes, there's some in the...

- Oh good, then I'll save this for dessert.

I'll eat this first.

- What is that?

- It's a submarine sandwich.

I got it in Pixley.

It's got knockwurst, salami, red peppers,

coleslaw, Gorgonzola cheese, Tabasco sauce,

and a torpedo.

- Oh for...

- Get a saw and I'll cut you a piece.

- No thanks.

Lisa.

- Wait a second until I turn this off.

- What do you have to turn it off for

you haven't got it plugged in.

- Well, on Mondays I never plug it in.

You see, Monday and Wednesday are unplug days

and Tuesday and Thursday are plug-in days.

- Today is Friday.

- Oh, then I shouldn't be doing this at all!

- Lisa... - Did you enjoy your lunch?

- I want to talk to you.

Don't you think it's about time

you learned how to cook?

- One thing at a time!

I'm just learning how to vacuum clean.

- Well I think you ought to concentrate on cooking.

As a matter of fact, I think I better give you

a cook book for your birthday.

- My birthday?

When is that?

- Next Wednesday. - It is?

Oh I forgot all about that.

But everything I want I made up on this list right here.

- It's more like a catalog.

Must be 25 items here.

- To make it easy for you,

I divided the list into groups.

Here's the diamond group, the fur group,

and the stock and bond groups.

- Don't you have a cheap group?

- No, only these three.

Shall we start with the diamond groups?

- Alright, there's nothing there.

What's the next group?

- The diamond tiara with the rubies and emeralds

doesn't appeal to you?

- No, not particularly.

- You could make a good buy on it,

my mother wants to sell hers.

- Well I'm sorry to disappoint the old...

Here let's look at the furs.

Nothing there either.

- Well what about the chinchilla coat

with the sable collar and the mink boots?

- No.

- It would look beautiful with the tiara.

- No.

- My aunt is going to be very unhappy

because she was sure you'd buy her coat and the boots!

- You and your secondhand family.

I'm surprised your father doesn't have something to sell.

- That's under the stocks and bonds.

- Lisa, I'm gonna buy you a present

but let's be sensible.

How about something for your wardrobe?

How about a dress?

Oh, no, you've got enough dresses here

and shoes and hats.

How about a nice belt buckle with your initials on it?

- That's what you bought me for our anniversary.

- Hey, what's this?

- Oh that's my riding habit

I got before we moved out here to the country.

I thought we were going to have horses.

- Well, I never...

- That's the one thing I miss the most

from when we lived in New York.

Remember how every day we used to go

campfering through the Central Park.

- Oh yeah, I always enjoyed campfering.

Wait a minute, you say you miss horseback riding?

- Mm-hmm.

- Why don't I buy you a horse for your birthday?

- Oh that would be wonderful.

- You got it!

- Oh, Oliver, you true blue with blood to match.

- Psst, Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Haney, what are you... - Shh!

- Mr. Haney, would you mind telling me

what your truck is doing in my barn?

- I didn't want the little woman to see it.

- Why not?

Haney's Curbside Birthday Shoppy?

- That's just the English pronunciation.

We're affiliated with Crugwell's of London.

- Crugwell's of London.

- Now just what did you have in mind

to get Mrs. Douglas for her birthday?

- That is none of your business.

- May I suggest a browse through our jewelry department?

Mr. Haney, I am not...

- Now close your eyes while I run through the combination.

- Mr. Haney, you're just wasting your...

- It's connected direct to Scotland Yard.

- Oh, this...

- Now here is a beautiful birthday gift

that would look wonderful hanging on Mrs. Douglas' neck.

The Hope diamond.

- The Hope diamond?!

- It was wore by Bob Hope

in The Road to South Africa.

Now while you're making out your check,

I'll have it gift wrapped.

- Who was that? - Who was what?

- A hand just came out of the...

- That's Mrs. Crugwell, she does all of our gift wrapping.

Now to go with the lavaliere,

oh, Mr. Douglas, may I have your attention please?

- No, how did you...

- To go with the lavaliere, may I suggest a mink stole?

The mink stole, please.

- I don't want a...

- Thank you, Ms. Glovewell.

Ms. Glovewell is in charge of Crugwell's fur department.

Mr. Douglas, the fur is here.

- Yes, but who's in that safe?

- Now, as you can see, this is a genuine Afghanistan mink.

- That's dyed rabbit.

- That is correct.

When the rabbit died, it's last wish was to be

an Afghanistanian mink.

- That's the most ridiculous...

- I suppose you want this gift wrapped, too?

- Who's back there?

- Oh, that's Ms. Pennyweather.

She's been with Crugwell's for years.

Now to complete your birthday shopping...

- Forget it.

- You mean you're not gonna buy

Mrs. Douglas a birthday present?

- I know exactly what I'm going to get here.

- Could you give me a slight hint?

- No, thanks.

All I have to do is tell you, the next thing I know

you'll be showing up here with a tired looking horse.

Horse?

It just so happens...

- Forget it, I'm not buying anything from you.

- But Mr. Douglas!

We won't be needing that, Mrs. Crugwell.

Put it back in stock.

Everybody, take an hour for lunch!

- Oh hi, Mr. Kimball.

- Which one of you seeds said that?

- I said that.

- Oh hi, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas, you know you got a small wart

on the end of your nose?

Or is that a small nose on the end of your wart?

Well, I'd have them both removed

just to be on the safe side.

- Oh for the love of...

- The department just sent me a new strain

of high-bred corn seed.

Yeah, they're supposed to be frost-resistant.

I don't think so.

None of them are wearing earmuffs.

Yeah, I saw that on the joke page

of the Agricultural Quarterly.

Or was it the Annually?

Well, it doesn't make any difference

it was an old copy anyway.

- Mr. Kimball, I'm in a sort of a hurry.

- Oh, in that case, I'll come back when you have more time.

- Mr. Kimball, Mr. Kimball.

I came here to see you.

- Oh, what about? - I'm looking for a horse.

- Well, where did you lose him?

- No, I didn't lose him.

I want to buy one. - From who?

- That's what I came to ask you.

You know all the farmers around here.

Now, do you know anybody who has a horse for sale?

- Let's see.

Yeah, Charlie Wainwright.

I passed by his place this morning.

He had a sign out front, "Horse for sale."

It's a beautiful place, I know you're gonna like it.

Two bedrooms, a bath, large service porch.

No, I guess the sign said, "House for sale."

- Mr. Kimball, I want to buy a horse.

It's a birthday present.

- Oh, you want to buy a birthday present for a horse.

May I suggest... - No, no.

I want to give my wife a horse for her birthday.

- Say, that's a very nice idea.

Very thoughtful.

Yeah, there's not many men who would think

of giving their wife a...

What are you giving her again?

- A horse!

Now, do you know any farmer around here

who has a nice, gentle animal for sale?

- Gentle animal?

Gentle animal.

Must be a horse, huh?

- Yes.

- Let's see.

I have it.

Well, I don't have it, Mr. Haney has it.

- Mr. Haney is the last man in the world

I'll buy a horse from.

- Now look, we gotta make a good impression.

Will you straighten up and stop slouching!

- I'm tired.

- And be quiet!

- Why?

- Well, people ain't interested in buying a talking horse.

- When I was on television,

do you know how much money they paid me to talk?

- You ain't gonna make any friends

if you go around telling people big lies like this.

- It's not a lie.

I was on television.

I was Mr. Fred.

- And I was Lum and Abner.

- But I tell ya, I was Mr. Fred.

- Would you keep your mouth shut?

At least until I've sold you.

- How much are you going to ask for me?

- $50.

- Do you know how much I used to get

for one TV show?

- If you don't keep quiet, it's the glue factory.

- If I had just saved my money

instead of blowing it betting on auto races.

- Oh hello there, Mr. Haney!

- Howdy, Mrs. Douglas.

- Who is that?

- That is the horse

that your husband ordered for your birthday.

- Oh, he's beautiful!

- So are you, baby.

- Why, Mr. Haney!

- Oh I'm sorry, I just got carried away.

- Oh, I love him.

How much is he?

- Well, I was gonna charge $200 for him,

but since it's your birthday

you can have him for a hundred.

- How much...

- But you have to keep his mouth shut

he's a fly-swallower.

Now if you'll just write out a check.

- Oh, my husband will give you the money.

- Well, I don't plan on being around town too long,

so if I could get it from you

then you could get it from him.

- Oh, certainly.

Tally-ho, dear!

- Where did you get the horse?

- This is my birthday present.

Mr. Haney said you ordered him for me.

- Mr. Haney?

Get off.

- But Oliver... - Get off.

- Oh, Oliver. - Come on.

Come on there, boy, here we go.

- What are you doing?

- I'm taking him back to Mr. Haney.

- Why?

He's such a wonderful horse.

We've been jumping over fences

and galloping and...

- If this was Haney's horse

there has to be something wrong with him.

I'm taking him back before I have to pay for him.

- I already paid him.

- You didn't!

- I wrote him out a check for a hundred dollars!

- I gotta call the bank

and stop payment on the check!

- But Oliver... - What a sorehead.

I used to have a producer like him.

- You're plugged, what number do you want?

- Hello, Sarah, would you get me...

- Just a minute, Mr. Douglas, I have another call.

- Hello, Sarah?

Can you get me Hooterville 2-6...

- I can't hear you, Fred.

- Oh, Arnold, will you cut off that dang TV?

Thank you.

Sarah, will you get me Hooterville...

- Hello, Sarah?

- No, this is Fred Ziffel, who's this?

- Oliver Douglas.

- Oh, Mr. Douglas, well nice of you to call me.

- I'm not calling you, I'm calling...

- Just a minute, Mr. Douglas,

I have another buzz.

- Hi, Sarah, this is Ralph Monroe.

- Would you get me...

- Sarah, have you got the correct time?

- My clock stopped, I don't know.

Wait a minute, I'll ask Fred.

Fred. - No this isn't Fred,

it's Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, excuse it, please.

- Fred, do you know what time it is?

- No, I haven't got my watch on.

Arnold, go on and see what the right time is.

- Hold a minute, Ralph.

- Thank you, Sarah.

- Hello, hello?

- Howdy-doodie, Mr. Douglas!

Do you know what time it is?

- Hold your horses, Arnold's gettin' it.

10 minutes to 11. - Thank you.

- Now, may I get my number please?

- Just a minute.

I'm getting a buzz on my trunk line!

This is the Hooterville operator.

- Hello, Hooterville, this is Chicago.

I have a call for Mr. Oliver Wendall Douglas

from Paris, France.

- Paris, France!

- Hello, Sarah? - Guess what, Fred?

Mr. Douglas is getting a call from Paris, France.

- Well, how 'bout that, Arnold.

Mr. Douglas is getting a call

all the way from Paris, France.

- Who's calling Mr. Douglas from Paris?

- I don't know, maybe is Fifi D'orsay!

- Hot Ziggity!

Arnold, you know who's calling Mr. Douglas

from Paris, France?

Fifi D'orsay!

Sarah, be sure and let Arnold talk to her.

He's wearing his beret.

- Operator, have you gotten through to my son yet?

- Well, I'm working on it.

Hello, Hooterville?

Would you please put Mr. Douglas on the line?

- Mr. Douglas, I'm getting a call for you

from Paris, France.

- Paris? Hello?

- Hello, Oliver?

- Hello, Fifi.

- Who's that?

- Mr. Ziffel, would you mind?

- Just a minute,

Arnold wants to say hello to you, Ms. D'orsay.

- Oliver, have you got a cold?

- No, that was Arnold.

- Arnold, who?

- Mr. Ziffel's pig.

- Who's on the phone now?

- Sam Drucker.

Who's this? - It's Fifi D'orsay, Sam!

- Fifi D'orsay!

Hot Ziggity!

- That's my mother. - She is?

Did you hear that, Sam?

Fifi D'orsay is Mr. Douglas' mother.

- Will you clods get off this line?

I'm trying to talk to my son.

Hello, Oliver?

- Yes, mother.

- You sound just like your father,

may he rest in peace.

Not that he will after the life he led.

Drinking and carousing and coming home

any old day of the week.

You'll never know how I suffered.

- Yes, I do.

You've told me a thousand times.

When did you get to Paris?

- Six months ago and if you called me once in a while

you'd know.

- Fine son, you ought to call your mother

at least once a week.

Even if it's collect.

- Will you get off the phone!

How have you been?

- Pretty good, except I get a twinge in my shoulder

once in a while when I...

- Mr. Drucker, look, I'm not talking to you!

Mother, are you alright?

- I'm fine.

I just called to tell you that Lisa has a birthday next week

and be sure to buy her a present.

- I'm getting her a present, a horse.

- Oh, well then I know what I can get for her.

A riding outfit.

- She has a habit.

- You mean that same horrible habit she had in New York?

I thought she got rid of that.

- No, she doesn't want to get rid of it.

- Oh, well I'll find something for her.

Give her my love.

And do try to call me once in a while.

- I will, goodbye, mother.

- Bye, Fifi.

- Aw reservoir, Ms. D'orsay.

- Oh for the love of...

- Well you heard what Fifi said.

- What'd she say?

- Said poor Ms. Douglas had a habit.

- What kind of a habit?

- I don't know, she said it was the same one

she had in New York.

- Oh, well I guess that explains

why they moved out here.

Try to cure her.

Probably fresh air's good for that sort of thing.

- What sort of thing?

- Her horrible habit.

- I don't believe it.

- Well, there's one way to find out what her habit is.

I'll drop over there

and do a little detective work.

- Where did those come from?

- They belonged to Mr. Haney when he owned the place.

He used to make patent medicine during prohibition.

- Oh.

- The stall in the back of the barn is full of them.

- That's where we're going to keep the horse.

- Not that horse.

The minute I can locate Mr. Haney,

he's going back.

- Oh! - What do we do?

- You just keep on cleaning. - Yes.

Hello, Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh hello there, Mr. Kimball.

Would you help me up, please?

- Oh yes, certainly.

Easy there, easy, easy.

- Thank you.

- Oh it looks like you've been busy.

- Yes, is there something I can do for you?

- No, but I think there's something we can do for you.

Yeah, you should have seen that pile of empties.

I had to help her up.

She staggered around.

Boy, it was pitiful.

- That's hard to believe.

I never saw Mrs. Douglas.

- Probably a quiet drinker like the chief.

He used to sneak up on the roof for a snort.

Nobody would have ever known

except one day he fell down the chimney.

- We've gotta help that poor woman.

- Yeah, but how.

- Well, we gotta talk to her

and get her to lay off the booze.

- Hi. - Howdy, Mr. Douglas.

Is Mrs. Douglas home?

- Yes, yes. Lisa?

- Oh hello there!

Ralph, Mr. Drucker.

- Can we talk to you?

- Why certainly, come on in.

- We want to talk to her alone.

- Well I... - Alone!

Well of all the...

Cut that out!

- This is a nice surprise.

Could I get you something to drink?

- Drink?

Oh no, ma'am.

See we, that is, Ralph has something to say to you.

Don't you, Ralph?

- Oh, well, there's no point in beating around the bush.

Sam here wants to talk to you.

Don't you, Sam?

- What about?

- Well, maybe I will have that drink.

- He means a soft drink. - Yeah, soft! Soft!

- Why didn't you talk to her?

- Well, it's not easy.

I gotta find a way to bring it out in the open.

- There, that ought to hold you 'til tomorrow.

Now, eat it, settle down, and go to sleep.

- How 'bout a blanket?

There's a blanket...

Who said that?

- The cow.

- Don't be silly, a cow...

- You better close your mouth.

There are a lot of flies in here.

- No, it's not possible.

Oh, that's very funny.

Alright, Eb, where are you?

- No, he went out an hour ago.

- I didn't ask you.

I must be hearing things.

- Like what?

- I could have sworn,

oh, oh!

- Goodnight, dummy.

- Now, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?

- Well, you see, we, well,

we heard about your habit.

- Oh, that.

- Well then you do have one?

- Would you like to see it?

- No, no. - No, no, no, no, no.

- What's the matter with the two of you?

- Well, we came over here

to try and help you get rid over your habit.

- Why should I get rid of it?

I love it.

- Yes, but it's...

- Oliver, what's the matter?

- That horse. - What about him?

- Do you know what he said to me?

- The horse said to you?

Yes.

He asked me to get him a blanket.

- He asked you to get him...

- Let's go, Sam.

- But... - Let's go, goodnight.

- But I thought you wanted to...

- No, some other time.

- Oliver, do you want to lie down?

You don't look well.

- That poor woman.

- Yeah, there didn't seem to be any sense in talking to her.

- No, I don't approve of it

but I guess I can understand why she has that habit.

- Yeah, if I had a husband that talked to horses

I'd hit the bottle, too.

- As I walked out of the barn he said,

"Goodnight, dummy."

- There, there.

You'll feel better in the morning.

There.

Dummy.

This has been

a Filmways presentation, darling.