Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Dah-ling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Where the heck is that?

Lisa!

Lisa!

Lisa, where are you?

- Well, I'm not under there!

I know you're not.

- Well then why are you looking under there for me?

- I'm not looking.

Have you seen my guitar case?

- What does it look like?

- Well, it's shaped like a...

- Well!

You just can't forget her can you!

Forget who?

- The girl who was shaped like your guitar case.

- Oh, you mean Hortense.

Yeah, she was really strung.

- Well, we finally got it out in the open.

- Lisa, will you just tell me where my Hortense,

I mean my guitar is?

There's band practice tonight.

- I thought it was always on Thursday night.

- Well it usually is, but tonight's a special practice

on account of the Hooterville Centennial Celebration

on Saturday.

- Oh, well, I think I saw Hortense in the closet.

Oh, thank you.

- Oliver, what is a centen-enial?

- No, a sentinal.

No, a sentinenial.

It's the hundredth anniversary

of the founding of Hooterville.

- Do we have to send a present?

- No!

No, it's a celebration.

Joe Carson's planning everything, speeches, parades...

- Ooo!

It sounds like fun!

- Mr. Douglas!

- In here, in the bedroom!

- I just came in to tell you that,

where's Mr. Douglas?

- I don't know, he was here a minute ago.

- Mr. Douglas!

Come in!

Oh, there's nobody out there.

I'm in the closet!

- What's he doing in there?

- He's looking for Hortense.

- What's she doin' in there?

Will you open the door?

- Oh, yes sir!

Hold this for me, would ya? - It's stuck!

- It's stuck pretty tight!

You pull and I'll push!

- Okay!

You ready?

- Ready!

One!

Two!

Three!

- Oliver?

He's not in there?

- No, I'm over here.

- How did you get out of the closet?

- I dug a tunnel!

- What did you do with the dirt?

- Oof.

- Hey, we better get goin', they said practice

would start at eight sharp.

- I can't go til I find my guitar.

- Oh, I put that in the car

so you wouldn't have any trouble findin' it!

- Oh, you.

Come on!

- Aren't you going to kiss me goodnight?

- Sure!

- Not you.

- Boy, I should have let Ab do it.

- That better?

- Do you have to go?

- Good night.

- Will you... - Quiet.

- Oh, Ralph!

If you don't stop...

- Alright let's not have any fightin'

in the busy collins section.

- Howdy Joe.

- Red, you're late.

- Yeah, I had a hard time paintin' spots on Arnold.

- Why did you paint spots on him?

- For the parade.

We ain't got no firedog to sit on the engine,

so we're making Arnold our fire pig.

- You fire...

- Get up on the engine, Arnold.

- And don't play with the sirene.

- Joe, can we get this thing started,

I got to get back to the store.

- Okay, Sam.

Now first of all, I want to give you a rundown

of the activities I've got planned for Centennial day.

We assemble in front of Sam's store at eight sharp.

Full firefighting regalia with our instruments.

At 8:30, we march to the station to greet the governor.

- What governor?

- Well, I ain't sure.

I invited all 52 of them, one of them oughta show up.

Oh, boy.

- We take whichever governor shows up first,

march him to the town square, and show him

the cement slab where someday we're going to erect

a statue of Horace Hooter.

- May I ask a question?

- Does it have anything to do with what we're talking about?

- Yeah, I think so.

- Well, if you ain't sure, sit down.

Now while the governor's lookin' at the slab,

we'll serenade him with an official song

written especially for the centennial.

You'll find the music on your stand.

- I don't have any music on my stand.

Just this piece of paper with the black dots on it.

- That's music!

- Is this the song?

"Hail to Horace Hooter?"

- Yeah, I wrote it.

- You didn't write it, Alph.

Arnold hummed it to you and you put it down.

- How could Arnold hum...

- I wrote the lyrics, sweetie, and you're gonna sing them.

- Me?

- Well, you're the only non-blower here.

- Non-blower?

- You don't have to blow a guitar,

so you've got a free mouth for singing.

- Well, Ralph's got a free mouth.

Let her sing it, she wrote the lyrics.

I can't, I start to cry.

- I'm not going to... - Alright, let's go.

- You're on, Dino!

♪ Horace Hooter ♪ Horace Hooter

♪ The founder of our town

♪ Horace Hooter ♪ Horace Hooter

♪ He never wore a frown.

These are the worst... - Keep singin' Rudy!

♪ For a hundred years ♪ Our town has stood

♪ We don't know what you did

♪ But you sure did it good

♪ Good ♪ So hail to Horace Hooter

♪ The founder of our town

Would you don't!

Look, I'm not gonna sing this stupid song!

- You're gonna ruin the whole centennial!

- I sincerely hope so.

- Well, that's a nice attitude.

Well, it's not a nice attitude.

It's pretty crummy.

- You're anti-Hooterville.

- If I were anti-Hooterville, I'd sing the song!

Why does anybody have to sing it anyhow?

- I agree with Mr. Douglas.

It ain't much of a song.

- Oh, Arnold, he's talkin' about the lyrics.

- I'm talkin' about the whole thing!

I think we ought to just forget the song.

- Then what are we gonna serenade the governor with?

- No governor's gonna show up here.

Even if it was an election year.

- Well, we don't need a governor.

We still got the fireworks display.

- Oh, boy!

Are we gonna have fireworks?

- Yeah, I figure we'd open up with Roman candles

spelling out Happy Anniversary to Hooterville.

After that we'd have a sky rocket display

showing the battle of Gettysburg.

- What has that gotta do with the founding of Hooterville?

- Well, nothing' except that they've got this display

left over at the fireworks house.

I can get a good buy on it.

- Goodbye is the only thing we want to hear from you, Joe,

because if we leave these things in your hand

it's gonna be a big bust like everything else you planned.

- Well if that's the way you feel about it,

I'm resigning my chairmanship

of the Centennial Planning Committee

and I'm laying down my baton

as leader of the volunteer fire department band!

- Hold it, hold it here.

Now, Mr. Drucker, if I may say so,

I think you were a little harsh on Mr. Carson.

He meant well.

- Well, he always means well and it always turns out

to be a big nothin'!

- Why don't we forget the centennial?

Well, not forget it, just ignore it!

- I don't think we should ignore it.

No, Hooterville's founding is a part of American history!

- It used to be part of Pixay 'til they threw us out!

- No, what I mean is that

this town is one of the thousands in the United States

which has contributed to the growth of the country.

From towns such as Hooterville

have come our judges, our scientists, our presidents.

In it's hundred years of existence, Hooterville has added

to the wealth and knowledge of America!

Now, ignore its anniversary?

Nay, I say!

- I'll nay along with you.

- Well, if that's the way you feel about it, Mr. Douglas,

I think we should have the centennial

and I think you should plan it.

- Oh, well...

- All those is favor, say "Aye!"

- Aye!

- Congratulations Mr. Douglas, you're it.

- Oliver!

- Lisa, please, I'm thinking.

- What about?

- I'm tryna figure out the most appropriate way

to celebrate this anniversary.

- Well, why don't you do what we did in Hungary

every year to celebrate the storming of the castle

by the peasants?

- What?

- Well, when my father was king, once a year,

all my mother's relatives would

dress up in their old clothes

and stand outside the castle and throw stones at him.

- Well I can understand them throwing stones at him,

but why only once a year?

King!

- He was!

He got the job from my great great grandfather

who opened the castle for business in 1851.

He wouldn't let the peasants into the castle

because after they crushed the grapes with their bare feet,

they would leave purple stains all over the rugs!

- Oh, boy!

- So every year since then, they have Stone Day,

where the peasants stand outside and throw stones and that...

- Wait a second!

That's not a bad idea, we can do that!

- Alright.

Who are we gonna throw stones at?

- No, I don't mean throwing stones,

I mean we can reenact the founding of Hooterville!

- How do you reenact a floundering?

- No, no, not floundering.

Froundring.

Well you'll see.

I've been thinking about the centennial

and wondering what would be the best way to celebrate.

And it occurred to me, that what we should do is reenact

the founding of the town.

- He got the idea from me!

In Hungary, we always reenact the floundering

of the family castle!

- Well it's not the...

- All the peasants will stand in front of the castle

and throw stones at the king.

- Gee, that's a great idea!

We get a king and we throw stones at him!

- But you need a castle.

- Well, there must be a castle around here somewhere.

- Well how big does it have to be?

- We don't need a castle or a king!

- Then who are we gonna throw the stones at?

- Will you please listen?

- Yeah, give Mr. Douglas a chance.

- To do what?

- To tell us who he's gonna throw stones at!

- Why should he throw the stones?

- It was his idea.

- No, no, it was my idea!

You see in Hungary...

- Look, if you're not interested...

- In what?

In throwing stones,

er, no, I mean in reenacting the floundering of Hooterville.

The foundering!

Floundering?

- Pull yourself together.

Yeah, we'll listen.

- Well, I've been doing some research on the history

of Hooterville.

And I found out that many of your forefathers were here

when it was foundered.

First started!

And I thought it'd be a wonderful idea

to do a play with all of you

playing the parts of your forefathers.

- That's okay, except nobody in town's related

to Horace Hooter or his wife Doris.

- Who were they?

- He was the founder, the flounder.

- Gee, I didn't know we had a flounder founder in our past.

- Look, Mr. Kimble...

- How 'bout Mr. and Mrs. Douglas

playing Horace and Doris Hooter.

- We'll do it.

Which one do you want to be?

Horace or Doris?

- How was the town floundered?

- Well, according to what I found out

from the county historical society,

Horace Hooter was born in Sacramento, California.

But he wanted to be a farmer, so,

he set out to look for farm land.

- They had farms in California.

- Well, yes, but in those days,

everybody was digging them up looking for gold.

So he saddled up his horse and he headed east.

Now there's no record of his trip

until he rode into a little town called Barstool.

In those days, the main part of any town was the saloon.

And that's where Horace was headed for.

Would you mind opening the curtain?

Now I thought we'd open the play in the saloon, you see.

I want you to imagine this is a saloon.

Now that's the bar.

That's the poker table.

And that's the player piano.

- Howdy, stranger!

- Howdy!

- If you're lookin' for the action, I'm it.

- No, no, I'm just riding through.

- Where you from?

- California.

- Hear they struck gold out there.

- Yes, that's why I'm heading east.

- You some kinda religious nut?

- No, I'm not interested in digging for gold.

I want to buy some farm land.

- Got any money?

- $800.

- Hello, there.

- Oh.

- Do you want to buy me a drink, honey?

- Wahh... - My name is Doris MacGivney.

I'm Scotch.

- There's your bottle of scotch.

That'll be $35.

- I didn't want any...

- What's your name, honey?

- Horace Hooter.

I'm from Sacramento, California.

- Oh, is that anywhere near to Champagne, Illinois?

- Champagne!

That'll be $42!

- I didn't order...

- My cousin runs a cotton gin.

- A bottle of cotton gin.

That'll be $138.

- Will you keep your hands off of...

- That's right, you can't be too careful.

I'll take care of it...

- No, thank you, I have...

- Well, why don't we sit down.

Let me help you.

- Thank you.

- Here we are.

The roulette table.

- This is a poker table.

- It is?

Oh, I wouldn't know about that.

- Tell me, what's a nice girl like you

doing in a place like this?

- Oh, I'm just working here to get enough money

to pay for my father's $800 operation.

What are you doing here?

- Oh, I'm just passing through.

I'm looking for a farm.

- Oh, well, you couldn't get much of a farm for $800!

How would you like to double your money?

- Oh, I'd love to, but how can I do that?

- What about a friendly game of pika?

- Poker!

- Is that what it is?

Well, I don't know much about cards.

Six of hearts.

- I've heard they give you a pretty fast shake

in some of these places.

- Oh, not here.

We run an honest game.

Ten of diamonds.

- How did you...

- How would you like to have a $3000 farm?

- Oh, well, I...

- I have the deed right here.

- Where did you get that?

- Out of my garter.

- This is a deed for 600 acres!

- Well, put your money on the table.

- Yes, but suppose I lose?

- How could you lose?

Six of clubs.

- I don't think I...

- Do you want to play or don't you?

- Alright.

- Well but your money where your mouse is.

- Where my mouse is?

That's not my mouse.

Scat!

- How 'bout the money?

Alright, I deal.

- That's her sheriff!

Well go ahead, pinch her.

Well, don't pinch her.

Put the cuffs on her.

- Doris, you're under arrest.

- Wait a minute.

What for?

- I'll tell you what for.

She's a shard cark.

- A shard cark?

- He means a card shark.

- He does?

Then why didn't he say so?

Now are you going to arrest her?

- Come on, Doris.

- Boy, just a moment!

You said that this lady cheated at cards!

Can you prove it?

- I certainly can.

That is a marked deck!

Here, I'll show ya.

The eight of clubs.

Two of diamonds.

Well, I guess that proves it.

- You didn't prove anything!

- Sheriff, I won't prefer charges if you give me

the land deed back.

- Well, what do you say, Doris?

- Alright, there you are.

- What about the $800 I lost?

- Here you are, take it. - Well, no!

Wait that's my...

- Can I use your bag please?

- No, of course not, this is my money!

- Stranger, I wouldn't get involved in this if I was you.

There've been too many complaints about you, Doris.

I want you to get on that stage and get outta town

and make sure you're outta town by sundown.

- Gee, I'll try, but I don't think I can be ready by then.

Not you, her!

- I want to thank you very much, now I'm broke.

- So am I, Maurice.

- Horace.

- Maurice Horace.

That's a pretty name.

Let's get married!

- Look, I've got to get a job and earn some money

so I can buy a farm!

Are there any jobs around here?

- Yes, the railroad is building a spur line from Pixlie.

Do you know how to lay track?

- No, but I'm honest and not afraid to work.

I can learn!

♪ When John Henry was a little baby

♪ Sittin' on his mammy's knee.

♪ He pointed his finger at a piece of steel

Ooo!

Ohh!

- Oh!

That's what I like to see.

A fellow who enjoys his work, singing and dancing.

- I'm not dancing, I hit my foot with a sledge hammer!

I'm quitting!

- Then how are we going to get married?

- We're not!

We can't afford to get married on the money I'm making!

- What?

You just got a raise to seven cents an hour!

- We can't get married until I get $800 to buy a farm.

- That'll do it?

- Yes.

- What time does the train crew goes to lunch?

- In a few minutes, why?

- What are you going to do?

- Don't go away.

I'll be right back.

Hello there!

- Doris!

Where did you go?

- Here, here is the money for the farm.

- Doris, the sheriff warned...

- You don't have to worry, he isn't the sheriff any more.

- He isn't?

- No, he tried to fill an inside straight.

Doris!

- Maurice.

Horace!

Ooo!

Well, this is it.

Our farm.

- You paid $800 for that?

- Well yes, the fella built it that way

to keep the Indians away.

- It'll keep me away too.

- Oh, please, it's really a beautiful house.

And we have 600 acres of fertile land

and I have a beautiful wife.

There's only one thing I need to make my life complete.

- What's that?

- A baby.

- Don't go away, I'll be right back.

Hello there!

- Oh, what?

- There you are, your baby.

- Where did you...

- There was a ladies' poker game.

- Take that back!

- Alright.

- What the... - Well it was only a doll,

but someday, we have one of our own.

- Doris!

- Oh, Maurice!

- Horace!

- Oh!

- Howdy.

- Howdy.

- You remember Ben Drucker.

Mr Drucker' building a general store I hear.

- Yeah, the Monroe brothers are buildin' it for me.

- I'm Larry.

- I'm Harry.

- Well, pleased to meet you fellas.

- Oh, he's not a fella, he's my sister.

- Oh?

- You married, honey?

- Yes, he is!

- Doggone it!

How am I ever gonna find me a man

out here in the wilderness?

- Build yourself one.

- I guess there's gonna be a lot of work here

for carpenters, huh?

People are starting to move in.

Some day this is gonna be quite a thriving community.

- Yeah, we outta think of a name for this place.

- Maybe we could name it after Maurice here.

- Horace.

- Oh, yes.

Why don't we call it Horace Heights?

- Yeah, that has a nice musical sound to it.

- No, I think there is a Horace Heights someplace.

- Well, how about Hooter Heights?

- How about Philadelphia?

- They got one.

- Well, I hope somebody thinks of a name for it.

- Don't worry, Mr. Hooter will.

- Hooterville!

That's it!

- Well?

That's approximately how Hooterville was fou...

Was started.

At least according to the research that I did.

And you think it'd make a good play.

- It sure would it Red Skelton did it.

- Well if you don't like it, you don't have to do it.

- Well why don't we put it to a vote?

All those in favor, say "Aye."

- What kind of a vote is that?

- It ain't a vote of confidence.

- Well if you want to celebrate the centennial,

you'd better make up your minds how you want to do it.

- Well, there ain't no hurry.

- The centennial is Saturday!

- Yeah, Saturday a year from now.

- What?

- Well, we like to plan things ahead of time.

- A year ahead of time?

Did you ever hear anything so ridiculous?

What's the matter with the people in this town...

- Gin!

- What?

That's the 10th hand you win Gin on.

- Well I guess I'm just lucky that way.

Five of spades.

- Doris!

- Maurice.

Horace!

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.