Original subtitles

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you

♪ But give me Park Avenue ♪ The chores

♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air ♪ Times Square

♪ You are my wife ♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Oh, hello Mr. Kimball.

- Just a second.

There's one more name.

- What?

- Now I can ask you.

Good morning, Mr. Douglas.

What are you doing?

- I'm cultivating.

- Oh. You don't have to cull-ivate poison.

Oh, no sir.

It'll grow by itself.

- This is corn.

- Well not according to your soil analysis report.

- Oh, you finally got it.

- Yeah, I got a lot of mail from Washington this morning.

That's Washington, D.C.

The other Washington died in..

- Yes, I know.

Dear Mr. Kimball, this is to inform you...

This letter is for you.

- It is?

Who told you you could read my mail?

- You said it was my soil analysis.

- Well, I must've brought the wrong envelope.

- What do you mean?

- Oh boy.

You know what this letter says?

- No.

- Well if you went to all the trouble

of steaming it open, why didn't you read it?

- I didn't steam it.

- It says the department is replacing me.

- They are?

- Well they don't come right out and say it,

but I can read between the lines.

Well, I can't read between 'em.

They're pretty close together.

But I know those jokers in Washington.

Once they make up their mind to get rid of ya,

they get rid of ya.

Doesn't make any difference who's brother-in-law you are.

- Exactly what does the letter say?

- Well, I'll read it to ya.

It says - Hello, Mr. Kimball.

- Hello, Mr. Kimball.

You see, they start out real friendly

then they give it to you in the second paragraph.

- They give you what?

- Lisa, Mr. Kimball's expecting to be fired.

- Oh, you are?

- Yes, didn't you read my letter?

- No.

- You went to all the trouble of steaming it open,

why didn't you let her read it, too?

- I didn't.

- He used to steam open the letters I got from my father

just to get the money he sent.

- He never sent money.

He sent for money.

- There you go with the father knocking again.

- Lisa, Mr. Kimball...

- If it isn't father-knocking, it's mother-knocking.

- Will you let Mr. Kimball read his letter?

- Well it says they're sending somebody named Terry Harper,

an agricultural student,

to work with me and I'm supposed to show him the ropes.

- That doesn't mean they're firing you.

- You're pretty naive.

They want me to show him the ropes

and after I show 'em to him, what does he do?

He hangs me with my own ropes.

- That's a terrible way to do things.

- Yeah.

They really rub it in, too.

Look at this.

They want me to find this clown a place to stay.

- Can't he stay with you?

- You've gotta be kiddin'.

That's like asking David to sleep with Goliath.

- Mr. Kimball, he's a student.

He's probably a very nice kid.

- Well if you like him so well,

why doesn't he stay with you?

- Well, that'll be fine.

- Lisa.

- He can share Eb's room.

He won't mind.

- Share my room?

With who?

- He's a student from the state agricultural school.

- Golly, you hired me an assistant.

Gee, now I'll be able to sleep late in the morning and

- He's not going to be your assistant.

- No, he's coming here to be with Mr. Kimball

so he can learn to be a county agent.

- That's a great idea!

Mr. Kimball should learn to be a county agent.

- Look, Eb.

- Why does this guy have to share my room?

- Why you should enjoy

having somebody around your own age.

- You're always complaining that you're lonely.

- I wouldn't be lonely if I had a decent TV set.

- What's wrong with that one?

- The picture tube doesn't work.

All I can get is sound.

I sit here night after night staring at the blank tube

and making up my own pictures.

- It'll help develop your imagination.

- Why don't you let this guy move in with you?

- Oh, Eb.

- What's this character's name?

- Terry Harper.

- I don't know.

I'll have to look him over first.

When does he get here?

- Mr. Kimball's picking him up at the Hooterville station

tomorrow at two o'clock.

- So you're Terry Harper?

I suppose you feel pretty proud of yourself.

You come here and I teach you everything I know

and then you take my job.

Well I want you to know,

there's no hard feelings, Harper.

Just anger and disgust.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

My name isn't Harper and I'm not trying to take your job.

- Excuse me,

could you tell me where I could find Mr. Kimball?

- Mr. Kimball?

Mr. Kimball.

Oh yes, you'll find him in his office.

It's about, well, you won't find him there.

He went to the station.

Come to think of it, I'm Hank Kimball.

- Oh, I'm Terry Harper.

- Oh, Terry Harper.

Terry Harper?

Oh, you're the young man that's.

Well, you're not a young man.

Not an old man either.

You're a girl.

- Well, thank you.

- So you're the fella that's gonna take over my job, huh?

Well you can have it.

Be a pleasure working for a pretty guy like you.

- Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, come along and I'll show you where you're gonna live.

- Where's that?

- The Douglas Farm.

- Eb!

Will you stop that?

- Well you told me to clean up my room.

- Don't sweep all the dust down here!

Eb!

I told you not to, - That wasn't dust.

That was a shoe.

- Will you just be a little more careful?

- Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, Mr. Kimball.

- I just went down to the station to pick up Terry Harper.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, I got a small problem.

- What is it?

- Well...

- Hello there.

- That's it.

- What?

- Mr. Douglas, I'd like for you to meet Terry Harper.

- Golly!

Is that my new roommate?

- Eb, will you get up?

Ms. Harper, this is Eb Dawson.

- Yeah, we're gonna be roommates.

- No you're not!

I must say, this is quite a surprise.

We were expecting a young man.

- I ain't complainin'!

- Be quiet.

- I thought when they wrote to Mr. Kimball

they explained I was a girl.

- Well they didn't have to explain that.

I mean anybody could tell that you're a...

- Now about your room, Eb is giving you his.

- I don't want to put anyone out.

- Oh, that's okay.

I'll sleep in the bottom of the well.

- Bottom of the?

- It ain't bad.

That way when I wake up in the morning, I'm all bathed.

Here, I'll take your bag.

- I'll take it.

- I'll take it.

- I'll take it.

- Oh, excuse me!

- Hello there!

Now I know why you're spending so much time

out here in the barn.

Lisa.

This is Terry Harper.

- My new roommate.

- Down boy!

- Nice to know you!

I bet you shook them up pretty good.

They were expecting a B-U-Y.

- B-U-Y?

- Boy.

That's a Hungarian spelling.

- If you'd like to freshen up a bit,

you can go into the house.

- Thank you.

- Not you.

You're fresh enough.

- And you wanna become a county agent?

- Why not?

- Well, it's a strange occupation for a woman.

- What's strange about it?

A women should be whatever she wants to be.

No matter how much it annoys a man.

- It doesn't annoy me.

- I've always been interested in farming.

I was born on a farm.

And I love the soil.

The thought of planting a seed,

a tiny little seed in the ground,

and watching it shoot up through the Earth

towards the sun and the sky.

- Say, those are my feelings, too.

- That's your speech too.

- I beg your pardon?

- Yes, he always talks about his little seeds he want to

plant in the rich, warm Earth and watch them shooting up

towards the sun and the sky.

- Lisa!

- He also has another one about the farmer standing

with his britches at the concord

firing at the pots that was heard around the world.

- Oh boy.

- He does that with a fife in the background.

- I don't understand.

- It's a family joke.

- Excuse me, Ms. Harper.

May I see you just a minute?

- What is it, Eb?

- Would you, oh.

Would you like to take a tour of the farm?

It's always good for a laugh.

- Eb.

- Wait'll ya see his corn.

It's crawling.

- With what?

- Nothing.

It's just crawling.

It doesn't like where it's planted.

- Oh, very funny.

- Maybe to you, but not to the corn.

- Eb, I'm gonna.

- Are you having trouble with it, Mr. Douglas?

- Oh, yes.

Mr. Kimball was supposed to bring over

a soil analysis they made for me, but he forgot it.

- Well, I'll take a look at it tomorrow

when I go over to his office.

- Come in.

- Morning, Hankie.

- Oh, it's you Ralph.

- Now I won't kiss you.

- I didn't ask ya.

- Why don't you ask me?

I might change my mind.

- Look, Ralph.

This is an official office of the Department of Agriculture.

- Oh, go ahead and kiss me.

No one'll know.

- I will.

Look if you have some official business,

put it in writing and give it to me in triplicate.

- Well I just wanna remind you

that we have a date for the dance Saturday night.

- Oh, well I'm afraid I won't be able to take ya.

I'll be busy breaking in Terry Harper.

He's a little slow.

I'll probably have to work overtime with him.

- What's he like?

- Oh, he's kind of a homely guy.

Has a cauliflower ear.

Nose is kinda knocked out of.

- Good morning, Mr. Kimball.

Oh, hello there.

- Who's this?

- Hmm?

- Who is this?

- Oh, this is my aunt.

How are ya, Aunt Sophie?

- I'm Terry Harper.

- This is the homely guy with the cauliflower ear?

- Well you don't notice too much with his hair down over his

- No wonder you're too busy

to take me to the dance Saturday night.

- Well, I.

- I'm Ralph Monroe.

- I'm pleased to meet you.

- Hank and I are kind of fianced.

- We are not.

- We are too.

We have an understanding.

- Maybe you understand it, but I don't.

- Mr. Kimball, there's no reason

why you can't take Ms. Monroe to the dance Saturday night.

We won't be working.

- Oh, yes we will.

I just got a directive here from Washington.

Attention Hank Kimball,

Be sure you work Saturday night.

Do not go to the dance.

And it's signed by, you know who.

- Let me see that!

- That's classified information.

- Well I've got a little classified information for you too.

If you don't wanna take me

to the dance Saturday night, you don't have to!

He broke the date with me!

- Oh, that's terrible.

- We've had it for three months!

He broke it just like that!

Sorry.

- That's alright.

That's what plates are for.

Don't cry.

There is no one in the whole world

who's worthwhile crying about.

- You're right.

But just like that he broke it.

- There, there.

- How could he do a thing like that to me?

- Well that's the way men are.

You can give them the best years of your life

and it doesn't mean a thing,

because when a pretty face comes along

the grass always looks greener on it.

- I know what you mean.

Men are beasts!

- What's wrong with Bette Davis?

- It's your friend, Mr. Kimball!

- What did he do?

- He broke a date with Ralph

just like this!

- What did you?

Hey, who broke the plates?

- Well, the score is two for her and one for me.

- Would you mind telling me what this is all about?

- Mr. Kimball was going to take Ralph

to the dance Saturday night,

but he broke the date since the college B-U-Y

went to work for him.

- Oh, you mean Terry.

I don't think he'd break a date

with Ralph just to go out with.

Yes, I guess he would.

- I guess you would, too!

- Why not?

- Yes?

- I mean, if I weren't married I would.

- Oh!

You wish you were single, huh?

- They're all alike.

They break your heart.

Like that.

- Will you leave those plates alone?

- Don't yell at Ralph!

Can't you see she's all broken up?

- Yes, broken!

- Will you stop?

- He's probably gonna ask her to go to the dance with him!

After I spent my last $14 on a new formal.

Oh, I'm broke.

Thank you.

Swing your partner, turn her around,

now everybody put it down.

Now the men left and now the men right

Grab your partner, hold her tight.

Swing around and do-si-dos.

- Oh hi, Sam.

We came in for some soda pop.

- Pop?

- Yeah, pop.

- Pop?

- Two pops.

- Pop, pop?

- Yes, we'd like an orange pop and a grape pop.

- Oh, yeah Miss.

- I'm Terry Harper.

- I'm Sam Pop.

Uh, Drucker.

- Where's the soda, Sam?

- In the cooler.

- Oh, over here.

Here we are.

You like a grape?

I'll take the orange.

Hey, I here you're taking Matilda Abernathy

out to the dance Saturday night.

- Nope, she's too old for me.

- Who are you?

- Young Sam Drucker.

- Mr. Drucker, do you have a farm?

- No, I'm a bachelor.

- Hmm?

- Oh no, no.

I don't have one.

- Oh, Mr. Kimball took me all over the valley.

Introduced me to all the farmers.

- How come you missed me?

- Oh, hi Fred.

Ms. Harper, this is Fred Ziffel.

- Howdy.

Ms. Harper, this is Arnold.

- Oh, isn't he the cutest little thing?

Well I'll be dog-goned.

That's the first time I ever saw him blush.

Sam, are you square on Matilda Abernathy to the dance?

- Well, I was going to,

but I was just thinking.

We got a stranger in our midst

and I think the neighborly thing to do

would be to ask her to the dance.

- Well how do you come off inviting her to the dance

when I'm the head of the Entertainment Committee?

- Well I'm head of the Hospitality Committee

and I'm just trying to be hospitable.

- She don't need to be hospitalized.

- Just a minute.

Now the Department of Agriculture sent her to me,

and I'm gonna keep her.

She'll go with me.

- No, she won't!

- Yes, she will!

- I haven't made any plans to go to the dance.

But thank you, anyway.

It was very nice meeting you both.

Bye.

Bye, Arnold.

I think this trip to Pixley is a waste of time.

I don't really wanna have my hair done.

- But I thought you were going to go to the dance tonight.

- Oh no.

- But you got all those invitations from Mr. Kimball,

Mr. Ziffer, Mr. Drucker, and Eb.

- Oh, I think they were just trying to be nice to me.

I don't think any of them really meant to invite me.

- Hi, Mr. Drucker.

- Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Is Ms. Harper in?

- No, she's out with my wife.

- Oh, well, would you tell her I'll pick her up

at eight o'clock tonight to take her to the dance?

- Sure.

Oh, for.

Come in!

- Is Ms. Harper home?

- No.

- Well I'm taking her to the dance tonight.

Tell her I'll pick her up at eight o'clock.

- Mr. Drucker is picking her up at eight o'clock.

- Oh, well in that case,

tell her I'll pick her up at 7:30.

- Fine.

Oh, for.

Come in!

- Is Ms. Harper here?

- No.

- Tell her I'll pick her up at eight for the dance.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Drucker has eight

and Mr. Kimball has 7:30.

- Tell her I'll be here at seven.

- If this is not the most ridiculous.

Oh, for.

Whoever you are, you've got 6:30!

Oh, what's the matter Mr. Haney,

6:30 isn't good enough for you?

- For what?

- To take Ms. Harper to the dance!

- Who is Ms. Harper?

- You don't know her?

- Nope.

- Then what are you here for?

- To tell you about my June White sale.

- Your June White sale?

- Yeah, I'm selling everything that belonged to June White.

- Oh brother.

- No, no.

She was a cousin.

She spent most of her life just traveling around the world,

collecting historical objects of art.

- Mr. Haney, I'm not the least bit interested.

- Now, you take this.

- What is that?

- A bronzed leg of lamb.

- A bronzed leg of lamb?

- You see them teeth marks?

They was made by Henry the eighth.

- Of all the phony!

- Hello there!

Hello, Mr. Haney.

- Howdy, Mrs. Douglas.

May I ask you a question?

Do you know what this is?

- That's a Henry the eight's leg of lamb.

- What?

- Well I haven't seen one of those in.

- Lisa!

- Oh, Mr. Haney.

This is Terry Harper.

- This is Ms. Harper?

- Yes.

- Well, in that case, I will take 6:30.

I'll see you then.

- Would you like me to go over the list again?

- Mhm.

Mr. Haney gets here at 6:30.

Mr. Ziffel at seven.

Mr. Kimball at 7:30.

Mr. Drucker at eight.

And Eb at 8:30.

- I never thought that.

Oh, what am I gonna do?

- Well you'd better think of something.

It's 6:30.

Haney time.

- Oh dear, but I don't.

- I tell you what.

Why don't you go into the bedroom and put on your face

and we'll see what happens.

- This should be very interesting.

- Why don't you go an open the door?

- Oh, Mr. Haney.

- Evening.

Is Ms. Harper ready?

- Well, she will be in a few minutes.

- Would you tell her I'm here

and present her with this bouquet of rhoder-den-drions,

which woulda cost her six dollars

if she'd bought 'em in a store.

- Oh, thank you.

Terry, Mr. Haney brought you some flowers.

Oh, Mr. Haney, won't you sit down?

It won't be too long.

Oh, Mr. Ziffel.

Come in, come in.

- Thank you, thank you.

Hi, Haney.

What are you doing here?

Well I gotta 6:30 date

to take Ms. Harper to the dance.

6:30?

It's seven o'clock now.

You're a half hour late and you's a waitin'.

- Well, I ain't leavin'.

I brought her a $6 bouquet of flowers.

What did you bring?

- I didn't bring her nothing.

I ain't courtin'.

I'm escortin'.

- Well she don't need an old.

- Fellas, fellas.

Now please don't fight.

Terry will be out soon.

Oh Mr. Kimball, come in.

Oh, Mr. Drucker.

Won't you come in and sit down?

Eb!

Come in and join the group.

- Hey, what are you all doin' here?

- I don't know, but I have a date with Ms. Harper.

- Fellas, fellas please!

- Well she can't go out with all of us.

- Well let's wrestle for her.

- We'll get dirty.

Why don't we fight a duel?

- There's too many to duel.

- Why don't you have a gang war?

- Well I think we ought to let

Ms. Harper decide who she wants to go out with.

Oliver, why don't you get her.

- Ms. Harper, show time!

You're on.

- Good evening.

- Hold it, hold it!

- This is no way to act!

It's all up to Ms. Harper.

- Gentlemen, I'm very embarrassed.

I didn't say I'd go to the dance with any of you.

But now that you're here,

well, why don't we all go together?

- No ma'm.

I'm not sharing you with anybody.

You'll have to pick one of us.

- Well that'll be very difficult.

You're all so nice.

- Yeah, we know that.

But which one of us is it gonna be?

- Well, let's see.

Mr. Haney.

Mr. Ziffel.

Eb.

Mr. Kimball.

Mr. Drucker.

Well, I guess I'll pick...

- Hmm, I shouldn't have anybody at 8:45.

Yes?

- Why, Arnold!

Do you wanna take me to the dance?

Gentlemen, I think I've found my escort.

Good night.

- Dog gone that Arnold.

Double-crossing me.

His own flesh and blood.

- Stood up for a pig.

- Hey, reminds me.

Maybe it's not too late to take Ralph.

- Yeah, and I'm gonna call Lorelai and see if she can go.

- I better call Matilda.

- Well, as they say,

all is well that ends in a well.

- Who says?

- I don't know.

But the main thing is that everybody's gone to the dance.

- Good.

- Well I'm not going.

I haven't got a date.

- Neither do I.

- What are we going to do about it?

- What can we do?

It's too late to call anybody.

I guess we'll just have to, stay at home and

watch TV.

This has been a Filmway presentation, darling.