Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Oliver, Oliver!

- What's the matter?

- Come here quick, I need you!

What's the matter?

Oliver!

- I'm coming, I'm coming!

Oliver, hurry!

- I'm coming!

I'm sorry, I'll buy you another one.

What's the matter?

- The light bulb in the refrigerator burned out.

- The light bulb in the...

- Refrigerator, it burned out.

- Burned out?

- In the refrigerator, the light bulb.

- The way you were yelling, I thought it was an emergency.

- It is, I can't find the cream cheese.

- You can't find the... - Cream cheese.

In the refrigerator, the light burned out.

- Lisa, do you realize...

- Why are you carrying your shoe?

- Oh, I stepped on an egg.

- Why did you do that?

- Because a stupid chicken laid it right in front

of the backdoor.

- Stupid chicken, I'd like to see you lay one anywhere.

- Lisa.

- Would you change the bulb in the refrigerator?

Ooh.

- Now, can't you replace a bulb?

- No.

In Hungary,

the royal family don't know how to do things like that.

- Royal family, oh, I'm sorry, your Highness.

- You may kiss my ring.

- You may kiss it yourself.

Now, if you'll watch closely,

I'll show you how to replace a burned-out bulb.

Come with me.

To replace a burned-out bulb,

first, you unscrew the burned-out bulb,

if you please, then you take the new bulb

and you screw it in the socket.

- Ooh, you're a peach.

- I'll see you later.

- Oh, Oliver, wait a minute, there's something else.

- Lisa, I've got to fix the tractor.

- But it only will take a minute.

The nail fell out.

Could you put in another one?

- Don't you know how to hammer a nail?

- No.

- Here, it's time you learned.

This is a hammer.

- How do you spell it?

- Lisa.

And this is a nail.

Now, you, excuse me please,

you place the nail where you want it,

and then you hammer it in.

- Oh.

- Now, do you think you could do that?

- Well, I could try.

- There you are.

- There. - Mm-hmm.

Good luck.

- Thank you.

- What happened?

- I missed the nail.

- Oh, for.

- May I have the hammer, please?

- Look, Lisa, why are you so inept?

- I am as ept as anybody, even epter.

- You are not epter than...

- Oliver, that was the first nail I ever hammered.

- You didn't hammer the nail.

You made a hole in the wall.

- Well, at least I know how to do that now.

- Lisa, would you come in here, please?

- I don't think I could get through the hole.

- There's a door.

- You're not going to hit me with the hammer?

- No.

- Do you want to kiss me?

- No.

- You've never kissed me through a hole in the wall.

- No, I'm not a hole-in-the-wall kisser.

- I guess the honeymoon is over.

- Only on weekdays.

Lisa, how long have you been living here?

- Three years, but I wouldn't call it living.

- Well, in three years, don't you think

you should've learned to do some of the simple things,

like driving a nail, changing a bulb?

- Well, I'm just not handy that way.

- But a farm wife has to be handy.

- Well, I'm just not the type.

- Oh, I'm sure you could learn if you tried.

- Would that make you happy?

- Yes, it would.

- All right, I'll try.

- Thank you.

- I am a good kid.

- Yes, you are.

Now, I gotta get back to work on the tractor.

Here, just hammer in the nail

and hang the picture over the hole, hmm?

- All right.

Oh.

Oh!

- Dear, Secretary of Agriculture,

I have been a county agent for nearly,

oh, it's been longer than that.

Well, anyway, during the entire time,

well, not the entire time, I did have a vacation.

Well, it wasn't really a vacation, I was on sick leave.

I had chestnut blight.

Yeah, I caught it from a, no, better scratch that.

Well, no point in scratching that,

'cause I forgot to put the cylinder on the machine.

Uh, yours truly, Hank Kimball.

- Mr. Kimball?

Mr. Kimball?

Ooh!

- Oh, Mrs. Douglas, are you alone?

- Yes.

- Ralph Monroe isn't with you, is she?

- No.

Oh.

- Are you standing in a hole in the floor?

- Oh, no, I was trying to get away from Ralph Monroe.

She's always after me to marry her.

- You could do much worse than marrying Ralph.

- Who wants to marry a lady carpenter?

- My husband.

- Oh?

Gee, I'm sorry, Mrs. Douglas.

I didn't know your husband had a thing for Ralph.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

He'll change his mind as soon as he sobers up.

- No, no, you don't understand.

He wants me to be like Ralph.

- Oh, well, that shouldn't be hard.

Just get yourself a pair of overalls and ugly up.

- No, he doesn't want me to look like her.

He wants me to be handy with tools like her.

- Oh, she's handy with tools.

She made that telephone table for me.

Gee, it's a little dusty.

She built it that way on purpose,

so she'd have an excuse to come over here and fix it.

Ah, now, you were, uh,

oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Hello?

Hmm, must've been disconnected.

Now, what did you come over to see me about?

- My husband, you see he wants me to be able to fix things,

so I thought maybe you had some of those bulletins

you get from the Department of Agriculture

on how I can be handy.

- Oh, well, you want one of our handy bulletins.

Well, that's no problem.

Yes, it is,

because I can't remember where I put the bulletins.

I usually put 'em in this filing cabinet here.

All right, who put all the bulletins in a filing cabinet?

Well, I suppose that what you'd want is, uh.

Hanky!

- It's her!

- Howdy-doody, Mrs. Douglas?

- Hello, Ralph.

- Is Mr. Kimball here?

Come out from under there, Hanky,

or I'm comin' under there with ya.

What can I do for you, please?

- Who is he?

- That's Hanky.

Take off the chin spinach.

- I can't understand it.

When you wore this on Halloween, nobody recognized you.

- Oh, I see your telephone table broke again.

Lucky I dropped by.

Don't worry, I'll fix it for ya, lover.

- You got a touch like a stevedore.

- You can look over my shoulder while I'm doin' it.

He's got the hottest breath.

- Please, this is a place of business

and there's no room in business for hot breath.

Now will you take that thing back to your shop and fix it?

- You wanna come down and watch me?

- No, Mrs. Douglas does.

- Oh, could I?

You see, my husband.

- Oh, you mean, ooh-la-la Oliver with the wavy hair?

- He's on a handy kick.

He wants me to be able to fix things around the house.

- There's nothing to it.

- Then you'll teach me?

- Sure, you wanna come down to the shop with me now?

Do you have any work clothes?

- Yes, I have a pair of overalls at home.

I got it before we moved out here.

- Good.

- Uh, could we keep it a secret from my husband?

You see, I want to surprise him.

- My lips are sealed.

- Yeah, if we could only keep 'em that way.

- If you weren't so sexy, I'd beat your brains out!

Come on.

- Lisa?

Lisa?

"I won't be home for dinner.

"Hope you are the same, Lisa."

What does that mean?

- It means I'm cookin' supper for ya.

- What?

- Yeah, uh, I got a note from your wife, too,

and it said, "Cook dinner for ooh-la-la."

And you're the only one around here

that fits that description.

- Ooh-la... - What'll ya have, Ooh?

How 'bout ragout of beef,

or I can make it with the rag in?

- Look, I...

- Or I can make ya a bouillabaisse.

- Bouillabaisse?

- Yeah, I get a bouilla and baise it.

- That's enough, Eb.

Look, do you know where Mrs. Douglas is?

- No, sir.

All I know is she spent a very unhappy afternoon

after you threw the hammer at her and it stuck in the wall.

- I didn't throw the hammer at her.

- Well, you must've thrown somethin' at her.

She was cryin' pretty good.

- Well, she had nothing to cry about.

All I did was complain she oughta be able to do a few things

like changing light bulbs

or hammering a nail in the wall.

- How can she hammer a nail in the wall

when it's got the big hole in it?

- She made that hole.

- And you say she's not handy?

- Eb, do you know where she went?

- No, sir.

- I wonder where she could be.

- Where is she?

- She's in your room changing into her overalls.

- Why didn't she change in your room?

- Because my room doesn't have a shade.

- Well, how come you change in there?

- Because everybody thinks it's your room.

- How do I look?

- Like a big jar of ripe solder flux.

- She looks dreamy.

I gotta get me a pair of overalls like those.

- What good'll it do?

Your face will still show.

- Alf, one more salient remark outta you

and you get the coup de gracie.

Okay, let's get started.

- All right.

- The first thing we're gonna do is learn about tools.

Now, you know what this is?

- That's a hammer.

- Good.

Ow!

- If you've got a headache, why don't ya go lie down?

Do you know what this is?

- That's a screws driver.

Good.

Ooh!

- Why don't you take something for that?

Do you know what this is?

- No.

- That is a wrench.

Maybe before I show you all the tools,

I ought to show you how to use some of them.

Let's start with the saw.

Now, rhythm is very important, like,

one two, one two.

One two, one two, one two, one two,

one two, one two!

- Eb, what time do you have?

- Half past Petticoat Junction.

- Look, Eb, did you see Mrs. Douglas at all today?

- Huh?

- I said, did you see Mrs. Douglas?

- No, sir, the only thing I've seen is Petticoat Junction.

- Eb, I'm not in the mood, turn that thing off.

- Huh?

Mr. Douglas, do you know what you just did?

- Yes.

- You silenced the work

of hundreds of technicians and actors,

not to mention the relatives of the producer.

Those people that slave in the flesh pots of Hollywood

to bring you a few moments of happiness and joy,

and you cut 'em off with the flick of your wrist.

- Eb.

- No wonder Mrs. Douglas left ya.

- She didn't leave me.

- She didn't come home for supper.

That's leavin'.

And I don't blame her,

the way you lend on her with the handy bit,

expectin' a lovely woman like her to build you a barn.

- I didn't expect her to...

- Well, I'm sure she'll be a lot happier

in the arms of Dr. Herkheimer.

- Dr. Herkheimer?

- Yeah, he's the charming doctor from the Near East

whose wife is sufferin' from a rare disease,

which can only be cured by a dentist.

- What are you talking about?

- That's what happened on Peyton Place

when this rich landowner was cruel to his wife.

She ran off with Dr. Herkheimer.

- Eb, go to bed.

- Yes, sir.

Ooh, uh, don't worry about Mrs. Douglas.

I'm sure that wherever she is Dr. Herkheimer will take

good care of her.

- Out!

What could she be doing?

- One two, one two, how am I doin'?

- You're doin' fine.

- You certainly are.

You've done things with tools I haven't been able to do

in the 25 years I've been a carpenter.

How did you manage to get a power drill stuck in the wall?

- You made a lot of stupid mistakes.

- The only mistake I ever made was havin' you for a brother.

- I'm your sister.

- Keep sayin' it, maybe some day I'll believe it.

- Why don't you go to bed?

- How can I?

She nailed the door shut.

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Alf.

- Don't pay any attention to him, you're doin' fine.

- Well, just what I always wanted,

a three-legged work table.

- Well, maybe I could screw it together with a chisel?

- You've done enough.

- How's she gonna learn?

- Why don't we take her out on the job with us tomorrow

and let her ruin somebody else's house?

- That's a great idea.

- Yeah, a real great idea.

- Who's there?

- What were you expecting?

- Lisa,

where have you been?

- Out.

- What were you doing?

- Nothing.

- Look, Lisa, you've been gone.

Do you know a Dr. Herkheimer?

- Who is he?

- Well, he's a charming.

Are you gonna tell me where you've been?

- Not tonight.

I'm too tired.

- Where are you going?

- To the bathroom to get undressed.

- Well, you always get undressed in here.

- Not anymore.

Somebody might look through this hole in the wall.

- Ah, Lisa.

It's almost six o'clock.

"I am gone.

"Try not to miss me.

"Hope this finds you happy and well, Lisa."

- Oh, I see you got a note, too.

- What does yours say?

"Farewell, take good care of Mr. Douglas.

"Cook all his meals

"and see that he doesn't miss me."

- I just don't understand this.

- I guess the husband is always the last to know,

so I'll be the first to tell ya.

She's left ya.

- Oh, she has not.

- I hope you treat your next wife a little better

and maybe you'll be able to keep her a little longer.

- Eb, will you get outta here?

- Yes, sir, ooh, uh, as per your ex-wife's note,

what do ya want for breakfast?

- Nothing.

- Oh, lost your appetite and your wife.

What a way to start the day.

- Eb, just go in and make your own breakfast.

- Yes, sir.

- I wonder if she did.

No, if she had, she'd have taken her jewelry.

- Okay, let's go.

- Thank you.

What can I take?

- Grab my tool chest.

- It's too heavy.

- Oh, don't worry, I can manage.

Ooh!

- Are we dancing or working?

- She dropped the tool chest on my foot!

- Well, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to learn.

- Well, you don't need lessons in droppin' a toolbox.

- What can I do?

I want to help.

- Get the ladder and bring it over there.

- Say please.

- Okay, please.

- Wait a second, I'll help ya.

- Okay.

Mr. Harrison?

- It's about time you got here.

- We were delayed.

- I want that roof fixed today.

- Yes, sir.

- I told you not to eat pig's knuckles for breakfast.

- It wasn't the pig's,

she hit me in the stomach with the ladder.

- I'm sorry.

What do you want me to do?

- Just put the ladder up against the side of the house.

- Say please.

- Please.

Geesh.

- What did you do?

- I-I-I put the ladder against the side of the house,

but it wasn't long enough.

- Who are you?

- I'm the new Monroe brother.

- The what?

- Oh, we're sorry, Mr. Harrison.

- I want this window fixed.

- I'll fix it.

- You're not gonna fix anything.

- Say please.

- Please, you're not gonna fix anything.

- I'm sorry.

- You're doing fine.

- Let's get up on the roof.

- Yes, let's.

- Oh no, oh no, not you.

You're not even safe on the ground.

- Don't pay any attention to him.

He's always grouchy in the morning.

- Well, what can I do?

- Well, why don't ya practice nail hammering?

Why don't ya hammer those boards back into place?

All right.

- Here.

- Oh boy, Oliver's going to be so proud of me!

- Hello, hello?

Hello, Sarah?

Sarah, uh, get me Fred Ziffel.

- Did ya find her yet?

- No, I've called everybody.

- Did ya try Dr. Herkheimer's?

- Why don't, hello?

Oh, Mr. Ziffel, uh, yes, this is Oliver Douglas.

Have you seen my wife?

Well, she has blonde hair and she's about,

you know what she looks like.

What?

Where?

Oh, thanks, yes, thank you very much.

- Did he see her?

- Yes, she's at Mr. Harrison's place.

- Mr. Harrison, the swingin' bachelor.

Doggone, I never thought he was her type.

- Lisa!

- Oh, Oliver!

- What do you think you're doing?

- Well, you wanted me to be handy around the house,

and I was going to surprise you,

but now that you know you won't be.

- I won't be what?

- Surprised.

I'm taking handy lessons from Alf and Ralph.

- Oh, the fumble twins.

Well, you picked a couple of great teachers.

- Look how much I learned.

Aren't I good?

- Uh, at one end.

What about the other end?

- Ooh, that just needs a bigger nail.

- Well, uh, Lisa,

you don't have to have... - This ought to hold it.

Hold this.

Now,

look very closely. - Lisa, you don't need that.

- Now, watch closely.

- Of all the, in the!

- How was that?

Oh, now that one needs a bigger nail, too.

Here, hold this.

- Lisa, you don't,

you don't. - How do you do?

- Oh, hi.

- Care for some coffee?

- Uh, no thanks.

Lisa... - Oh, have some.

- Hey!

Watch it, ya birdbrain!

- You're the birdbrain drivin' that spike through the wall

and into my coffeepot!

- I didn't drive any spike!

- You just need a bigger nail.

- You drive that spike into my wall,

and I'll drive this into your nose.

- Just a minute!

State your grievances calmly, please,

and don't say you'll punch me in the nose!

Ooh!

- That wasn't very nice.

You should've let him finish what he was saying

before you punched him.

Oh, are you all right?

Oh, let's go home, I'll put a cold water bottle on it.

Oh, the swelling has gone down.

- It wouldn't have gone up

if you hadn't gotten mixed up with the Monroe brothers.

- But it isn't their fault.

I wanted to learn how to do things,

and Ralph taught me how to use all sorts

of different kind of tools.

And from now on, I'll be handy around the house.

- Ah, Lisa, I...

- Do you want to see me hang a picture?

- No, no, not today. - Come on,

please let me. - No, Lisa, not today.

No, no.

- Now watch.

You hold the nail up like this,

and then you hammer it.

I can see by the look on your face

that you can't believe it.

- No, I can't!

- Do you want me to do something else?

- Get a fly swatter.

I have a feeling we're gonna have a lot of flies in here.

- Okay.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.