Original subtitles

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darlin' I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Hello, dear!

- Hello.

- I've got some bad news for you.

- What?

- You've got a flat tire.

- I know.

- Well why did you do that?

- I didn't do it.

- Well, somebody did.

And you were the only one who was driving the car.

- Lisa, I hit a pothole, and...

- What's a pots hole?

- It's a hole in the pot, a pot in the road.

A hole in the road.

- Well, which one is it?

- Oh, that stupid road.

The condition it's in, I'm lucky I only got one flat.

- Do you want to try for three?

- Mrs. Douglas?

Did you ask him?

- Not yet.

- Is he in a good humor?

- No, I'm not.

- I was talking to Mrs. Douglas.

- Eb, what do you want?

- Well, I wanted to know if I could, say,

do you know you have two flat tires?

- Yes, I know.

- Then there's no sense in askin' you

what I wanted to ask you.

Who wants to borrow your car with two flat tires?

- That makes sense.

- If you wanna borrow the car, fix the tires.

- I'd like to, but this is my day off.

- Yesterday was your day off.

- And today too?

Golly, you're the most generous employer around.

- You're not getting the day off.

- It's very important that I get today off.

- Then get the jack out of the trunk.

- Mr. Douglas, I'd like to change the tires, but I can't.

I got my good suit on, and I'm all showered and fragranced.

- Mm, he smells good.

What is that, Eb?

- I made it myself.

I call it three for one.

It's got citronella in it to keep the mosquitoes away,

vanilla extract to keep me dainty,

and Neatsfood Oil to make me waterproof.

- Eb, will you please get the jack?

- Where are you going that you have to smell so good?

- Well, I'm no the committee to re-elect Ben Hanks,

and we have to decorate the high school auditorium.

- Who's Ben Hanks?

- He's the one

they're decorating the high school auditorium for.

- Ben Hanks is our district representative.

- I never heard of him.

- You would've if you spent more time

worrying about community affairs

and less time worrying about your flat tires.

- That makes sense.

- Look, everything he says makes sense to you,

nothing he says makes sense to me.

Now Eb, please, I want you to get the jack out of the car,

and fix the tires.

- You only have one spare.

What are you gonna do about the other one?

- Oh, haven't we got a tire patch kit?

- No, sir.

- Oh.

Well, I'll walk into Drucker's and get one.

- You better get two.

And walk fast, I'm late now.

- Tire patchin' kits. - Yeah, yeah.

- Tire patchin' kits.

Oh, by the way, you goin' to the Ben Hanks meetin' tonight?

- Just who is this Ben Hanks?

- He's our district representative.

You don't kneed any tent stakes, do you?

- Just the tire patch kit.

Sam, this district representative...

- Well, he represents us in the state capitol.

He's a fella that gets things done for us.

- Oh?

- Yeah, anything we got in this town, we owe to Ben Hanks.

You need any spat buttons?

- No, no.

Do we owe all those potholes in the road to him?

- Oh no, he uh.

Say, could you use a jar of side burn salve?

Side burn salve?

- You just dab a little on your side burns,

gives 'em that patent leather look.

I used to sell a lot of this in the Rudolph Valentino days.

- No thanks.

- I'm sorry, I just don't seem to have a tire patchin' kit.

- Oh.

Well, thanks anyway.

Oh, uh, Sam, this Ben Hanks.

If he's supposed to get things done for us,

why hasn't he done anything about that road?

- I guess nobody ever called it to his attention.

- Oh, well I intend to.

- Here's your chance.

Hiya, Ben!

- Howdy, Sam!

Dog gone, you're a sight for sore eyes.

Say, would you put these up where the folks'll see 'em?

- Oh sure.

Re-elect Ben Hanks, district representative.

He's as American as Mom's apple pie.

- Pardon me.

- Oh, howdy.

Say, how about a Ben Hanks button?

- Oh, no, no, no I...

- Then I guess you're a stranger here.

And judging by that dude outfit,

you must be a travelin' salesman.

And what kind of a line to you carry?

Ladies hose?

Bedroom slippers?

No, sir, you look more like a corset man to me.

- I am not a corset man.

- No, this is Mr. Douglas, he lives here.

- In those clothes?

- Well, he's a city feller from New York.

Mr. Douglas was a lawyer.

- Well sir, always glad to meet

a bona fide practicing member of the Bar.

- No, no, I gave up my practice in New York

when I came out here.

- Oh, disbarred, huh?

- No I was not disbarred.

- Now, now sir, we all have something in the past

that we try to hide,

and I don't hold nothing against no man.

I'm glad to know you Mr. Dingle.

- Douglas.

- Ah, good idea.

Changing your name to get a fresh start.

Say, after the election, you wanna call me in my office

and I'll try to throw a little disbarred business your way.

- I don't want any disbarred business.

- Well sir, I admire a man with pride.

Yes sir, how about a Ben Hanks fountain pen?

- No, no, I don't...

- Now Sam, I've got something very special for you.

Here, a Ben Hanks toupee.

- Keep young, keep Ben Hanks in office.

Thank you, Ben.

How is it?

- Kinda makes you look like Lou Cody.

Don't it Mr. Doodle?

- Douglas.

Look, Mr. Hanks, I wanna talk to you

about the condition of our road.

- Which road is that, neighbor?

- Well we only have one.

- And you want another one?

- No, I want to know what you're going to do about this one.

- Well sir, if you got any kind of complaint to make

and you want old Ben Hanks to do something about it,

you just show up at our meeting tonight

or bring it up during our open gripe forum.

Yes sir, see you at the meeting tonight.

So long, Sam.

- Dog gone.

How could you not vote for man like that?

- Oh Lisa.

Do we have any notepaper?

- It's in the drawer.

Who are you writing to?

- I'm not writing to anybody.

I just wanna make some notes of the gripes

I'm gonna bring up at that Ben Hanks forum tonight.

- Well, you better put down about the dishwasher.

It isn't working.

- What?

It's running fine.

- I know, but it won't shut off.

- How long has it been running?

- Since Sunday.

- You mean it's been running for three days?

- Mm-hm.

- Well, why didn't you say something?

- To whom?

- To me.

- What do you know about dishwashers?

- Well, I know enough to shut it off

after it's been running for three days.

Well no wonder it won't shut off,

this thingamajig is stuck.

- I could've told you that on Monday.

- Well then, why didn't you just pull out the plug.

- I tried that on Tuesday.

- Oh.

- I never tried that.

- Oh.

Let the stupid thing run.

- My hero.

Oliver.

- Hm?

- We are going to have to get new dishes.

These shrunk.

- Oh that's impossible.

Dishes can't shrink.

Care to explain this?

- Look Lisa, I wanna make out this list.

- Go ahead.

- Darn pen.

How did they?

- Oh, that's a pretty pen.

Where did you get it?

- Oh, Ben Hanks gave it to me.

I should've known it wouldn't write.

- Why did he give you a pen?

- Oh, so I would vote for him.

Have we got a pencil?

- Why don't you use your pretty pen?

- It's not working.

The ink won't come out.

- It seems to be coming out now all right.

Huh, what?

Oh!

Oh, for... - I'll get you another shirt.

- Ready to go to the open gripe forum, Mr. Douglas?

Say, do you know you got ink on your shirt?

- Yes, I know.

- Too bad Ben Hanks didn't give you one of his pens.

They never drip, leak, ooze, or slobber.

- This was done by a Ben Hanks pen.

It ruined a $25-shirt.

- You spent $25 for a shirt?

I don't know why you're going to the forum.

You ain't got nothing to grip about.

- I certainly do.

- Well, you tell kindly old Ben Hanks.

- I intend to.

- Step right up folks, get 'em while they're hot.

Help yourself to some root beer, neighbor.

- Oh, hi.

- Oh hello, Mr. Chairman.

- Oh hi, Eb.

- You know Mr. Douglas.

- Yeah, how are you?

- Fine.

- Did you come to eat or gripe?

- Well who'd have a grip against kindly old Ben?

- Mr. Douglas.

- That figures.

- Have a Ben Hanks hot dog, neighbor.

- Please.

- We'll put that on a Ben Hanks roll,

and help yourself to some Ben Hanks mustard.

- Hey, if you don't mind,

I think I'd rather have some Ben Hanks picklelilly.

- Don't forget the Ben Hanks root beer.

- Okay.

- Oh brother.

- How about a hot dog, friend?

- No, thank you.

- Ben Hanks ear of corn?

- No, no, why would I... ow!

- Oh, sorry.

I should've put that on a Ben Hanks napkin.

- I don't want it.

- I'll take it.

- Ben Hanks peanuts.

- No thank you.

- I'll take 'em.

Ben Hanks cotton candy.

- Please no, I don't want any cotton candy.

- I'll take it.

- Eb, get inside.

- Yes sir.

These taken?

- Nope.

- After you, Mr. Douglas.

What's that?

- Well it's a Ben Hanks crab leg.

- I didn't get one of those.

- Oh please, sit down.

- Would you hold this for me?

- Look, I don't wanna be.

- Folks, now if you all quiet down,

we'll get this meeting started.

- What happened to Sam's head?

- He's wearin' a Ben Hanks toupee.

- Oh, he sent one of them to my wife,

but it was the wrong color.

- Now, you all know why we're here.

Every four years, right before election,

old Ben shows up to listen to any gripes or complaints

we may have, so let's get right down to cases

by bringing on that great statesman,

that friend of the people, Ben Hanks.

- Thank you, thank you, Sam.

And now it's time for another open gripe forum,

and I wanna hear any gripes you got.

Don't hold nothin' back, just stand up,

and complain out loud.

- Yes, I have a...

- Hey Ben, how about a duck call?

- Duck call?

Sure.

- He ain't lost his touch.

- It's probably a loaded duck.

- Well, as long as there ain't no gripes,

I'd like to sing you a little song.

- Eh, just a minute.

I have a gripe, I'd like to be heard.

- Well.

It's my old friend Mr. Driggle, the disbarred lawyer.

- Well I was not Driggle, eh, no,

I mean my name is not disbarred...

- Why don't you sit down, eat your cotton candy.

- It's not my cotton candy, it's his.

- You got no call to take out your hostility

on that nice boy.

- I didn't...

- He's one of the best campaign workers.

Folks, let's hear it for Eb Dawson.

All right, now.

Get back to my song.

- Just a minute, I have a gripe.

- So have we, sit down.

- Now hold on, neighbors.

In this country, every man has a right to be heard

regardless of race, creed or disbarment.

Now, what's your complaint, Mr. Duncan?

- Duncas, D-D-Douglas.

- If you've got something to say, say it.

Speak right up.

- I would simply like to know

why we have to put up with that horrible road we have.

Why we can't get a new one.

Especially since we pay such exorbitant highway taxes.

- Now, that's a good question.

In fact, it brings to mind what old Abe Lincoln said.

- I don't care what Abe Lincoln said.

- You're the first man I ever met

who didn't are about Abe Lincoln,

and he was a lawyer like you.

- Except old Abe was never disbarred.

- Neither was I.

Now, what about the road?

What are you gonna do about it?

- I'm gonna take care of it right after I'm re-elected.

- Ah, well, what makes you so sure

you're going to be re-elected?

- He's gotta be.

There ain't nobody runnin' against him.

- There's nobody running against him?

- That's what Mr. Trendle just said.

- I know what he said.

What kind of an election is it

when there's only one candidate?

- There's nobody stupid enough to run against Ben.

- Well, I am.

I mean, I.

- Glad to have your hat in the ring, Mr. Daggiss.

- Oliver Wendell Daggis.

- Who is that?

- Me.

- Oh, that's smart.

Changing your name so that if you lose,

you don't have to hang your head anywhere.

- Lose?

I could beat the.

Lisa, what are you doing?

- Setting the table.

- Come on, now.

Where are the regular dishes?

- These are them.

- Lisa, it was a good joke, but it's over.

- If you wish.

Would you like to have some coffee?

- Forget it.

- Can I talk to you a minute, Mr. Daggis?

- Look, Eb... - Hey, who's comin' to dinner?

Tiny Tim?

- Funny.

- How do you like my outfit?

It came with the motorcycle Ben gave me.

- He gave you a motorcycle?

- Yeah.

I'm one of Hank's angels.

- Oh, fine.

He buys votes by giving things away.

- Yeah, he has a wonderful selection of election gifts.

Did you get copy of his catalog?

- A catalog...

- I sure had a hard time makin' up my mind

between the motorcycle and the scuba-diving outfit.

- There's nice set of dishes in here.

How do we send for those?

- All you have to do is...

- Lisa, Lisa, I'm running against Ben Hanks,

I'm not going to accept any gifts from him.

- Oh, old Ben wouldn't mind.

He's real generous.

- And you're gonna vote for him?

- No, sir.

I'm votin' for the best candidate.

Can I see your catalog?

- I haven't got any catalog.

I'm not giving anything away.

- Well, you just lost one vote.

- Make it two.

- What?

- I need some dishes.

- I'll buy you some dishes!

- You can't be much of a candidate

if you have to buy your wife's vote.

- Out!

- Yes, sir.

Hi, Mr. Ziffel!

- Hi, Eb.

Hello, everybody.

- Hello, Mr. Ziffel.

Hello, Arnold.

- Yes, she sure does look pretty today.

- Did he say that?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Why don't you say nice things like that to me?

- Oink, oink, oink!

There, how's that?

- He said it nicer.

- So you're really going to run against Hanks, huh?

- Yeah, that's right.

- I don't know, I'll ask him.

- Arnold wants to know what you're givin' away.

- I'm not giving anything away.

- Well, you just lost his vote.

Ben Hanks promised him a color TV set.

- Since when does a pig have a vote?

- Well, they don't, but he influences mine.

- Well, for your edification.

Edification, it means.

- Why don't you tell him what it means?

It's the only way he can learn.

- Let him get a tutor.

- Ben Hanks promised him one.

- Hey Mr. Ziffel, did it ever occur to you

that Ben Hanks spends a great deal of money

giving things away?

- Yeah, old Ben is the edification of generosity.

Do you know he supports all his relatives?

- Isn't that nice?

- Oh yeah, he must have at least 50 or 60 of his kinfolks

workin' for the state.

- Oh?

You mean we taxpayers are paying to support his relatives?

- Isn't that nice!

- No, it isn't!

It's the worst kind of nepotism.

Nepotism, it means.

Will you stay out of this?

Look, do the voters around here know

that Hanks has been hiring all his relatives?

- No, I just happen to run into his cousins,

and he told me.

- Aha.

Well, maybe it'd be a good idea

if somebody brought it to their attention.

- Would you please hold my balloon?

- And would you hold this too?

- Hold it yourself.

Why did you have to take all that stuff?

- Just because you're a sore head,

we don't have to be one.

- Anybody here have the feeling they're not wanted?

- They'll thank me when they hear what I have to say.

- Do you want a bite?

- No, thank you.

- What is that?

- A Ben Hanks enchilada.

- I'll trade you a Ben Hanks pizza for it.

- All right.

- What would you trade me

for a Ben Hanks pickled egg?

- Well, how about a Ben Hanks cole slaw?

- Look, will you two cut it out?

This is not a picnic, this is serious business.

- Order, order.

I declare this tell-all meetin' to be in session.

Now, as you all know, Mr. Douglas.

Has leveled some pretty serious charges

against kind, generous, big-hearted Ben Hanks.

- That's enough, Eb.

- Well, I booed for you.

The least I can do is applaud for him.

- Well, that's fair.

- Well, as moderator, I intend to see that both sides

get a fair hearing.

Nobody talks more than five minutes.

- How's the new watch runnin' Sam?

- Oh fine, thanks Ben.

- Send you over a gold chain for it in the morning.

- Just a moment.

- I think the boy with the balloon has something to say.

- I'm not a boy with a balloon.

- That was my balloon.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

- Here, you can have my panda.

- All right now, who wants to start the questioning?

- Well, you can let Mr. Dugan go first.

I have nothing to hide.

All my actions have been honest, upright,

and above reproach.

Did you get the crib I sent over for your baby, Joe?

- Forget the crib, look,

I just have one pertinent question to ask Mr. Hanks.

Pertinent, it means.

Look, Mr. Hanks,

is it true that you put your relatives to work

on the state payroll?

- Yes, it is true.

I have some of my kinfolk workin' for the state.

And I'd like you to meet some of 'em.

Aunt Bessie, would you come out here, please?

Aunt Bessie gonna have a birthday next month.

How old will you be, Aunt Bessie?

She says she'll be 29, and she'd like to get married.

Aunt Bessie's a great kidder.

But I don't know what those poor kids

up at the state orphanage would do

without her to take care of 'em.

And if there's anyone here who would have me

kick Aunt Bessie out of the orphanage,

well just let him say so.

- Do you want to leave now or do you want to wait

until they start throwing things at you?

- Sit down, Aunt Bessie.

Now folks, I'd like to bring out my cousin Earl,

who I got a job re-loading roll-a-towel machines

at the state capitol, a job he's had

ever since he come back from doing his stint overseas.

Come on out here, Earl.

If there's anyone here would like to kick this war hero

off the payroll, let him stand up and be heard.

Yeah, now Earl, you just sit down here

next to Aunt Bessie.

Right, now folks, I'd like to bring out my sister, Enid,

whose husband passed on last year,

leaving her the sole support of her 12 small children.

Now, the children would've come along tonight,

but they're down at the bakery waiting for the day old bread

to go on sale.

Now you don't object to that, do you, Mr. Dribble?

- Oh, Mr. Dribble isn't here.

He just slumped out with this head between his legs.

- Fools!

- What fools?

- Oh, the voters of this community.

Selling their birthright for a mess of porridge.

- I didn't get any of that.

Unless it was in the back with the potato chips.

- Lisa, you're just like the rest of them,

accepting all those handouts.

The vote is the very foundation of American democracy.

Men have fought for it

since those first patriots defended it

with their feeble muskets at Concord.

- Could you hold the fife down please.

It's pretty late.

- The vote is our heritage.

Not something you trade for a leaky fountain pen

or a deviled egg.

Like Abraham Lincoln said, you can fool some of the people

some of the time, but men like Ben Hanks

can't go on fooling the people forever.

He'll get his comeuppance.

This country has survived hundreds of Ben Hanks.

And I, for one, would never sell my vote.

- And neither will I.

- What is that?

- Oh, this was the latest door prize.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.