Original subtitles

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Here you are, sir,

one of our finest diamond engagement rings.

Why, I think it's beautiful, Eb.

- Are you sure there's a diamond in there?

- Slightly less than one and 1/2 carats.

- Golly!

How much is it?

- $28, uh, including a genuine plush-lined box.

- Haven't you got something bigger?

- Here you are, sir.

This is the biggest one we have in the store.

- Oh, it's magnificent.

- That one is slightly less than three carats.

- Wow, we'll take it!

How much is it?

$47.50.

- Oh... - The other one is fine, Eb.

- Lorelei, you're getting engaged to me,

and any girl that gets engaged to me

deserves a slightly less than three carat diamond.

- But if you can't afford it...

- No problem, no problem at all.

We can always arrange suitable budget terms.

Uh, two dollars down and a dollar a week?

- That's fine, uh, here's my dollar.

Have you got yours, Lorelei?

- Well.

- Nevermind, I'll spring for the whole thing.

Wrap it up.

- Well, there are certain little formalities.

- We've already arranged for our blood tests.

What else do we have to do?

- You have to fill out this credit form.

Now, just fill that out, and you sign here,

and then you get your co-signer to put his signature

right there, hm?

- Okay.

There.

Okay, Lorelei, you co-sign.

- Uh, just a minute.

I'm afraid she can't be the co-signer.

- Why not?

It won't be long before she's community property.

- But you see, with a valuable ring like this,

we prefer to have a very responsible co-signer.

Now, uh, how about your father?

- Sure, dear old dad just loves to sign things for me.

- Eb, when am I gonna meet your father and mother?

- Right after I get him to sign this.

You see, he doesn't know I'm getting engaged,

and when you hit Dad with too many things at once,

he has a tendency to crack up.

- That kid's enough to drive anybody to distraction!

- What kid?

- Oh, Eb!

- What did he do now?

- He hasn't shown up yet!

I had to do all his work!

Oh, that was a sweet thing of you to do.

- It wasn't sweet, and I'm gonna teach him a lesson.

I'm gonna dock him a day's pay.

- That's a fine way to treat your son.

- He's not my son!

Hi, Dad.

- Don't call... - Sign here.

- Sign what?

Your name.

- I don't sign anything unless I know what it is.

- If I tell you what it is, you won't sign it.

- I'll sign it.

Thanks, Mom.

- Will you stop calling her Mom?

- Well, if I call her Dad, you'll get jealous.

- What is it?

A credit application?

- Yeah, uh, just put your name down there under mine,

and we'll be partners in a diamond engagement ring.

- An engage...

You mean, you're getting engaged to

whatever would get engaged to you?

- It's not a whatever, it's a girl.

- Oh, congratulations.

Oliver, haven't you got something to say to Eb?

Not while you're in the room.

- I think it's wonderful.

Oliver, sign it.

Wait a minute here.

How much is this ring going to cost?

- $47.50.

- Oh, you're a big sport.

- Well, you only get engaged once.

Who told you that?

Lisa, let's not go into your memoirs.

- Aren't you gonna sign it?

- Who's the girl?

- Her name is Lorelei Appleby.

- And how long have you been going with her?

- Since yesterday.

- Yesterday?

- I think that's very romantic, Oliver.

- It's stupid.

- You're only saying that because it took you

four years to poop the question.

- You don't poop a question, you pop it.

- Well, whatever, you were a very slow popper.

- What do you say, popper?

Are you gonna sign that or aren't you?

- Eb, if you can't afford to buy an engagement ring,

how do expect to support this girl after you're married?

- Well, between you and me, we oughta be able to swing it.

- Oh, no, I'm not about...

- Oliver, Oliver, sign it.

The boy's happiness is in your hands.

- Yeah, am I gonna get married

or go through life a spinster?

- Oh, I wouldn't want that on my conscience.

- Oh, Mr. Haney, well, how are ya?

- Do you really care?

- Well, I... - I have a heavy heart.

Yes, sir, today I lost one of my best friends.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Who was it?

You.

- What?

- I just come over to tell you

that I ain't gonna talk to you no more.

Oh... Well, good.

- No, sir, and I ain't never coming over here

to see you again.

Fine.

- Ain't no need to beg me, I ain't changing my mind.

This is goodbye.

Bye.

I thought you said goodbye.

- Well, I ain't said goodbye to Eleanor.

- Be my guest.

- Goodbye, Eleanor.

I won't be coming around here anymore.

I'm sure sorry to leave you in the hands

of a man who would allow his son

to buy an engagement ring from a total stranger

when me, his former friend, has the finest

assortment of engagement rings that was ever seen

by the human eye.

- I should have known.

- I would say you should have.

- In the first place, Eb isn't my son.

And in the second place, he can buy a ring

wherever he wants.

- What's been done has been done,

and I don't see no way to undo it.

Unless... - Unless what?

- Unless you hire the Haney Catering Service

to do all the catering for Eb's wedding.

- Look, I'm not...

- Now, we can furnish you with several types

of wedding parties.

Starting with the Money is No Object Affair,

which I'm sure is the one that would appeal to you.

- I'm not interested.

- The Money is No Object Affair includes

a fresh duck dinner, a half a duck to each guest,

plus two glasses of the finest imported

domestic champagne available,

and folding chairs, which we guarantee will not

pinch the guests when they sit down.

- Look, I...

- In addition, the unpinched guests will dance

to the music of Carlos Wellnapper

and his all-girl three-piece marimba band.

- Mr. Haney, forget it.

- Then you're not gonna do anything nice for your son?

- Eb is not my son!

- And I am not your friend.

Doggone, Mr. Douglas, I feel sorry for you,

being so alone in the world.

Eleanor, come back here!

- Eb, it's beautiful!

She's a very lucky girl.

- That's what I told her.

It looks even better on, try it.

Would you mind turning yours off so I can see mine?

Golly, mine doesn't sparkle like yours.

Maybe I oughta take it back

and get one with a bigger diamond.

- How big is this?

- The man said it was slightly less than three carats.

Maybe I oughta get one that's slightly less than five.

- Eb, take my advice, don't start off with a big ring

because if anything goes wrong with the romance,

it'll be hard to get it back.

- Really?

- Yes, in the vault in New York,

I've got several large hard-to-get-it-backs.

When are you going to give it to Lorelei?

- I don't know, it all depends upon her father.

First, I gotta get his permission to marry her.

- He should be glad to let his daughter marry

a nice fellow like you.

- I sure wish there was somebody

who could go over and tell him that.

- Eb, would you mind help...

- Golly, my fair godmother must've waived

her magic wand and you showed up.

Will you do it?

- He'll be glad to.

- I'll be glad to do what?

- If you were any kind of father,

you'd do it first and ask questions later.

- For the last time, I am not your...

- Oliver, all Eb wants is for you to go over

to tell Mr. Appleby what a wonderful fellow Eb is.

- You're the one who wants to marry the girl,

tell it to him yourself.

- Yes, but how can I convince him

I'm good son-in-law material?

Show him swatches.

- You'd think a guy who's partners in a $47.50 ring

would show a little interest.

I'm showing as little as I can.

- Oliver, why are you so mean to Eb?

- Because the whole thing is ridiculous.

Meets a girl one day and next day, he wants to get married.

- Love doesn't have the hands of a clock.

- It sure don't.

- Eb, we don't need him.

If you want to make a good impression on the girl's father,

do what Mr. Douglas did to my father.

Lie a little.

- I did not lie to your father.

- You certainly did.

You told him you had a yacht, polo ponies,

and a coffee plantation.

- I never told him that.

- But then it must've been the other fellow

who wanted to marry me.

Oh, you were the fellow with the cheap suitcase

and the hole in your pants.

- I don't think Mr. Appleby would be impressed

with a cheap suitcase and a hole in the pants.

He's already got those.

Hey, maybe you could get that fellow with the yacht

and the polo ponies to adopt me.

- Eb, why don't you just go over there and talk to him?

Do the best you can.

- Well, could you give me a little help?

- Such as?

- Could I squirt myself with some of your

sweet-smelling cologne?

- Okay, go squirt yourself.

- How about lending me your wristwatch?

- No.

- Could I borrow one of your fancy vests?

- Eb, just squirt yourself and go!

- Yes, sir.

- Eb, I thought you'd gone.

- What kind of an impression do you think I'd create

if I drove up to the Appleby's on that motor scooter?

- Well, if you're worried about it, why don't you walk?

- You don't find the son

of a wealthy plantation owner walking.

The least I could do is ride a polo pony.

- Eb...

- I sure wish I could borrow somebody's fancy convertible

with the top down.

- You're not borrowing my car.

Do you have a car like that?

- What are you leaning against?

- Golly, my fairy godmother must've

waved her magic wand again.

- Okay, you can borrow the car,

but you better put a couple of dollars worth of gas in it.

- Could you lend me the two dollars?

- No, I've done all I'm going to do.

- Dad, please, aren't you going to change your clothes?

- What for?

- Well, Eb's coming over.

What's an Eb?

- He's the fella that wants to marry me.

Oh, another one of those.

- This is the real thing.

Wait 'til you see the engagement ring he got me.

- Did he get it out of one of those iron claw machines?

- Oh, Dad, please, won't you change your clothes?

- Nope.

What's that?

Oh...

Well, you could at least move these cabbages someplace else.

They smell awful.

- If I don't get that engine fixed,

they're gonna smell a whole lot worse.

One more day in this hot sun...

- But Dad, this is important.

I mean, don't you want me to get married?

- Look, things are tough enough

without my supporting a son-in-law.

- What makes you think you'll have to support him?

- Well, if he's like the rest of the kids

that drive up here in their broken down jalopies.

- Hello there, Lorelei!

Howdy.

Is this your father's hired hand?

- This is my father.

- Oh, pleased to meet you.

My name's Dawson, Eb Dawson.

- Are you just gonna lie there?

- No, sir.

- Are you all right?

- Uh, fine, I'm used to falling off my polo pony.

- Your suit's all dirty.

- Oh, that's okay, I'll just throw it away.

I got a closet full of them.

- Gosh, what a beautiful car.

Where'd you get it?

- From the family car pool.

I thought I'd take the convertible tonight.

I would've flown over, but I didn't know whether

you had a landing strip.

- Well, I guess you want to talk to Dad?

- About what?

- Getting married.

Oh, yeah.

- Well, I, um, I guess I'll leave you two alone?

- You oughta get those cabbages to market before they rot.

- I really don't need you to tell me that.

- Mr. Appleby, you're probably wondering why

I drove over in this expensive convertible.

Well, I've come to ask you

for a hand in your daughter's marriage.

I mean...

- Will you please hand me that wrench over there?

- Yes, sir.

What I meant to say was, I've come to wrench

your daughter's hand.

- You mean you're asking me if you can marry my daughter?

- Yes, sir, I guess you could put it that way.

What do you say?

- First, I have to know a little more about you,

your prospects and your family.

- Well, as you can plainly see,

I'm the son of a very wealthy man.

Oh?

- Of course, Dad wasn't always wealthy.

He started life out with a cheap suitcase

and a hole in his pants, and today, Mr. Douglas is about

the wealthiest man in this whole valley.

- Who is Mr. Douglas?

- Oh, that's Dad.

- His name is Douglas and yours is Dawson?

- Oh, I see what you mean.

Uh, you see, uh, Dad doesn't like me using his name.

I guess he wants me to make it on my own.

Now, about your daughter.

This miserable motor!

- Oh, let me see if I can fix it.

- You really know anything about 'em?

- Yes, sir, I repair all my own racing cars.

Oh, here's your trouble right here.

This wire's loose.

Take cover!

- Oh, you stupid!

If I ever had a chance of getting my cabbages

to market, you killed it!

- Well, uh, I've got an idea!

You can use my car!

- Your car?

- Uh, sure, I can use one of Dad's other cars,

or one of his yachts.

- Oh, I don't know about that, I...

- Don't worry about it.

Dad's real nice about things like that.

You lent him my car?

- Well, Mr. Appleby had to get his cabbages to market.

They were getting pretty ripe.

- Eb, you had no right to lend him my car!

- What is all the hollering about?

- Oh, lover boy lent Mr. Appleby my car to haul cabbages!

- Well, that was very neighborly of him.

- Neighborly, my...

Look, now I want you to go over and get my car back.

- I can't, Mr. Appleby left for the county seat with

his cabbages, and he won't be back until tomorrow morning.

- Then, I want you to go over there

first thing in the morning and get it back!

- Howdy, Mr. Appleby!

Didn't you have any luck selling your cabbages?

- I couldn't sell my cabbages.

I couldn't even get to the county seat!

Your car stalled, and I couldn't get it start again.

I've been sitting here all night,

waiting for somebody to come by.

- I can't imagine what happened to the car.

Yes, I can, I forgot to put gas in it.

- I was planning on making enough money on my cabbages

to meet my mortgage payment.

Now, if the bank wants to get tough,

they can take away my farm!

- I wouldn't worry about that.

After Lorelei and I are married,

you can move in with Mom and Dad.

- Do you think I'd let a knucklehead like you

marry my daughter, hm?

- Isn't there any way that I can get back

in your good graces?

- Only the $180 I need for the mortgage payment.

- $180? That's no problem.

I'll be glad to give it to ya.

Doggone, Dad forgot to give me my allowance this morning.

But don't worry, I'll get the money for ya.

Then can I marry Lorelei?

- You get the money, then we'll talk about it.

- Where is that kid with my car?

I've got to get in to Druckers.

- Couldn't you walk?

- Why should I walk if I've got a car?

Where is it?

- If Eb doesn't come back with it soon...

- Hi, Mom.

Hi, Dad.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

- Where's my car?

- It's down the road, it's out of gas.

Can I have some money to get some?

How much do you need?

$180.

- $180 for gas?

Well, I wanted to get high octane.

- Did anything happen to my car?

- No, sir.

- Then, why do you need all that money?

- Well, you know the old saying,

"There's something rotten in Denmark"?

Well, this is the same thing but with cabbages.

- Oh, we had the same thing in Hungary, but with goulash.

My mother used to make...

- I don't want to hear about your mother's stale goulash.

I want my car back!

- Mr. Appleby's got it.

- Well, you get it back from Mr. Appleby,

or I'll call the police and tell them that he stole it.

- Fine thing.

Would you like me to marry a girl whose father's a jailbird?

- Oliver, why don't you take a slow walk into Druckers?

It will calm you down.

- I'm not walking.

I'll borrow this.

If you don't mind.

- Well, we won't be having any trouble with him for awhile.

The handlebars are loose.

- Eb, Eb, your lunch is ready.

- I'm not hungry.

- You're not hungry?

- No, ma'am.

I cannot think of food when my whole world is crumbling.

To think how close I came to getting married.

- Maybe if I went over and talked to her father

I could change his mind.

- The only thing that's gonna change his mind is $180

which I haven't got.

- Well, I haven't got any money either.

Maybe this ring would help.

Why don't you take it to the prawn shop and prawn it?

- Golly, I could get, I could get killed

if Mr. Douglas found out.

- Oh, he wouldn't do that.

- He would if he thought he could get away with it.

Hey, maybe I can hawk my own stuff.

- Well, what have you got?

- Let's see, I've got an Attwater Kent radio

that I can probably get $6 for.

And maybe I can get another dollar for the earphones.

- That's a good start.

What else have you got?

- I've got a framed, autographed picture of Anna May Wong.

That oughta be good for a dollar if I throw in the frame.

- Well, you're up to eight dollars.

Then, there's my Norton bomb site.

A fella once offered my uncle a half million dollars for it

during the war.

I guess the parts oughta be worth a couple of bucks.

- Now, you're up to $10.

- I need one big thing that I could get the other $170 for.

And I think I found it.

- Well, I see you finally got the car back.

- Yes, sir.

You'll be happy to know that Mr. Appleby

gave me a six-month option on Lorelei.

- What does that mean?

- It means that if I don't go near his house

for six months, he'll let me ask for permission again.

- Congratulations.

- Now, things can get back to normal around...

Where's Eleanor?

- Who?

- The cow.

Oh, is she missing?

- Where is she?

- I think she went bowling with...

Eb!

- You want her back?

- Yes!

- Okay.

No, this is the Attwater Kent radio.

No, this is the Norton bomb site.

Oh, here's Eleanor.

- This is a pawn tick...

You pawned Eleanor?

- Not entirely, I held out the milk rights.

You can go over to the pawn shop once a day and milk her.

- Get her back.

- But... - Get the cow back!

- It's not that easy, I need two things.

- What?

- Your car and $170.

- Lisa, would you mind turning out the light?

- Why? What do you have in mind?

- I have in mind going to sleep.

I'm exhausted from Eb's romance.

- Well, love is a many splintered thing.

- Uh, Lisa, would you just turn out the light?

♪ Oh-Lay What is that?

♪ Oh-Lay

♪ Oh-Lay - Mr. Haney!

Cut, cut!

- What have we got here?

- May I present Carlos Wellnapper

and his all-girl three-piece marimba band.

Except for Carlos, who I'm filling in for.

- You can take your band and...

- We just finished playing a wedding reception

over at Crabwell Corner, and I thought I'd drop by

and show you what you get

for your Money is No Object Affair.

Now, if you'll just sit down in these no-pinch chairs,

and munch on this half a duck,

the band will serenade you with that well-known

Mexican folk song,

"My Nose Used to Bleed for Kitty

"When I met her in Mexico City".

One, two, three, four.

- Oliver, I must say you're a sport,

throwing a party like this for me

at two o'clock in the morning.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, I got nothing but class.

- Shall we dance?

Why not?