Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Oh for, who's there?

- Who's where?

- At the front door.

- I don't know.

I'm in here.

- Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, good morning, Mr. Douglas.

No, I don't guess it's a good morning for you.

You look like a man

who's just been hit in the head with a hammer.

- What are you doing?

- About what?

- What are you hammering?

- You mean besides your head?

- Yes.

- This poster.

Well, I wasn't hammering the poster,

I was hammering the nails.

- I was asleep.

- At this time in the morning?

- It's five o'clock.

- It is?

What do you know, somebody broke my crystal.

- What is that?

- What's what?

C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F.,

now what does that stand for?

- Oh, C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F.,

that's a local organization.

- Oh you miserable seed brain.

- Oh, hello there.

Did you find out who was knocking?

- Mr. Kimball.

- Who's knocking Mr. Kimball?

- Oh boy.

Now I got two of them.

- Oh I forgot the C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F.

was having a rubbish sale.

- Rummage.

Lisa, do you know what a C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F. is?

- Of course I do, everybody does,

Mr. Kimball did.

- Well, what's it mean?

- What does what mean?

- C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F.

- Oh, oh, that's a local organization.

- Well whatever it is,

why did you put this sign on my door?

- Why did I put the sign on your door?

I must've had a good reason.

Well, it wasn't a good reason, it was,

now, I remember.

- You remember what?

- Hmm, oh the president of C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F.

wanted me to put the posters up where they'd be seen.

And I figure a lot of people go through your door.

Well, they don't go through it,

I imagine some of them open it.

- Yes, a few.

- What are they rumming off, Mr. Kimball?

- Rummaging.

- Oh no, they're not rumming off rummaging.

They're rumming off old clothes.

Say that reminds me.

- Reminds you of what?

- Well, if you'd got any old clothes

you'd like to donate to the sale,

leave them over at Mr. Drucker's store.

- I have some.

- Oh boy, the Muss Futs will surely appreciate that.

- Who are the Muss Futs?

- Oh, they're the sister organization to C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F..

- That's a local organization.

- I'm sorry I asked.

- Well anyway, any clothing donations you'd like to make

will be greatly appreciated.

- We'll see what we can find.

- Lisa, have you seen,

what are all my clothes doing on the bed?

- I'm giving them to the old clothes sale.

- That's my whole wardrobe.

- You're very generous.

- No, I'm not.

They're going back in my closet.

Would you mind telling me what your clothes are doing

in my closet?

- I needed the space.

- You needed...

- Well, as long as your clothes away,

you don't need it.

- What are you giving?

- Well, I looked through everything

and I couldn't find anything.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

You got more junk in here you never wear.

Here, how 'bout this?

- Oh never, this is the dress I wore

when I won the Hungarian Beauty Pageant.

- Oh, when you were crowned Miss Goulash of 1912.

- Oliver!

- Oh here, how 'bout this one?

- Never!

- What stupid thing did you win in that?

- You.

- What?

- Don't you remember?

This is the dress I wore that night in Budapest

when you came to my house

and asked my father if you could marry me.

Oliver, Oliver.

- Oh hi.

- What did my father say?

- I didn't talk to him yet, I just got here.

- Oh, well, he's waiting for you.

Good luck.

Good evening, Mr. Grenitz.

I'm Oliver Wendell Douglas.

I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

Ooh!

- Oliver, what did my father say?

- He didn't say anything.

He just slammed the door in my face.

- Oh, then I guess he doesn't like you.

- He liked my flowers.

He stole them.

- Where are you going?

- Back to America.

- What's that?

- It's where I live.

- I thought you lived in New York.

- That's in America.

- Oh.

I missed that lesson in school.

- Lisa, I'm sorry but I guess your father's

never going to let us get married so.

- As Shakespeare said,

"Fair heart never want faint lady."

- You missed that lesson too.

- Don't you want to marry me?

- Of course I do.

- Then let's elope.

- Elope?

- Yes, did you bring a ladder with you?

- Well no, I...

- Never mind, I got one.

- Oh.

- I packed two.

- Wonderful, throw your suitcase down.

- Catch.

- Lisa, will you please,

how many suitcases do you have?

It's a good thing you don't have a trunk.

- Do you remember?

- Oh yeah, yes.

I still have a scar from your makeup case.

- Oh, it was only eight stitches

and look what you got for it, me.

- What was that?

- What was what?

- I heard a steamboat whistle.

- That is probably the Robert E. Lee

just coming round the bend.

Now that you're out here,

shall we discuss our business over a cold glass of beer?

- Beer?

- Just step up to my spicket.

I never knowed this thing was here till this morning.

Now, while you're getting your wits back together,

I'll go inside and get the old clothes

that you're donating to the rummage sale.

- Oh, so far we haven't found any old clothes to donate.

- You haven't found any old clothes to donate?

- No.

- Can I put a head on your beer?

- I don't want this.

- Now I can understand why you're so testy.

You have got charity in your heart

but nothing in your closet.

Now there's no need to cry in your beer.

- A little salt would bring this to life.

- Now fortunately, I can help you.

You just step this way.

- Will you let go of my arm?

- Now here we are.

Now that wasn't a long walk, was it?

- Mr. Haney.

- There you are,

a complete collection of old clothes

that you can purchase and donate to the rummage sale.

- Mister, this is the most ridicu...

- Shall I put you down for the $38 bundle

which I like to refer to as my movie star assortment?

It contains a buster brown collar

which is said to have been worn by Freddie Bartholomew

when he played the part of Milton Sills as a young boy.

And a pair of suede spats

which reputedly was worn by Adolph Menju

when he played the part of Milton Sills as a grown man.

And it also contains a pair of elevator cowboy pants

that Mickey Rooney wore in Tall in the Saddle.

- Goodbye, Mr. Haney.

- Goodbye, Mr. Douglas.

Now, if you want to go the cheaper route,

we have a $28 historical bundle.

Now this contains...

- I said goodbye, Mr. Haney.

- And I said goodbye, Mr. Douglas.

As I was saying,

this contains such historical items

as the serving dress that was worn by Betsy Ross

when she...

- Once and for all, I am not interested.

What was that?

- The Robert E. Lee just docking at Crabwell Corners.

- Now how 'bout this?

- No, I can't give that one away.

That's the one I graduated form the Budapest High School in.

- Alright, how 'bout this?

- No, that's the one I started college in.

- Well this?

- No, this is the one I got expelled in.

- Lisa, this is ridiculous.

You can't give anything away

because it reminds you of...

- Hey, wait a minute, here, give this.

- Not that.

- It's not yours, it's mine.

- Don't you have any sediment?

- I hope not.

- Don't you remember when you wore this sweater?

When we went to Switzerland to ski on our honeymoon.

This is a fine honeymoon you got me into.

- I'm sorry.

- I never would've married you

if I knew you were accident prune.

- Prone.

- That's what you are a prone prune.

Always laying somewhere with the stitches in your head

from the suitcase or your leg in a cast.

- Well look, you're the one who wanted to go skiing.

- Well, I wouldn't mind if you did that to your leg skiing

but breaking it tripping over a Saint Bernard dog.

- I didn't trip over a dog.

I fell off the ski lift.

- Whatever it was, you're no fun for a honeymoon.

- Oh!

- Darling, I'm sorry, does it hurt?

- Yes, of course it hurts.

- Oh, you poor.

Oliver, can I ask you a question?

- What?

- Did you fall off the ski lift on purpose?

- Why would I do that?

- Well, maybe you don't love me.

- Oh, of course I love you.

- Then why did you break your leg?

- Lisa, do me a favor, let me take nap.

- What am I supposed to do on our honeymoon

while you take a nap?

- Why don't you go down to the bar and have a drink?

- Not unless you come with me.

- I can't walk.

- Well, you should've thought of that

before you broke your leg.

Lisa, if you don't...

Come in.

- Lisa Grenitz,

I thought it was you coming into the hotel.

- Alex!

- How very good to see you.

There is much to talk about.

What about dinner in my chalet?

Perhaps some cocktails next to the fireside.

- Oh, that would be wonderful.

- Lisa.

- Oh, oh, this is Count Freidmeister.

Alex, this is Mr. Douglas.

- How do you do?

Now my pupschin, it will be exactly like the old days.

- Except for one thing, pupschin is married.

- To whom?

- Him.

- You married a foreigner?

- I'm an American.

- Oh.

Things must've been very bad with your father.

- Oh no, I married Mr. Douglas for love.

Didn't I Mr. Douglas?

- You don't have to keep calling me Mr. Douglas.

I've got a first name.

- Oh, what is it?

- Oliver.

- Oh, that's right.

Oliver and I are here on our honeymoon.

- With a broken leg?

- Oh, he didn't bring that with him.

It happened this morning.

He tripped over the ski lift.

- I did not.

I fell off the Saint Bernard.

I mean...

- I see, I see.

Now, do not fail to call me

if there is anything I can do to help you.

My number is ALPINE8642.

I must be running along.

- Isn't he charming?

- Oh yes, real charming.

Why don't you wipe the mustache wax off your hands?

- Oliver, you're jealous!

- Oh!

- Oh darling.

- I'm not jealous.

Oh maybe a little bit.

- Why, you don't have to be jealous.

I could've married the count or the prince or even a king

but I married you.

I love you.

- And I love you.

And we're gonna have a long, happy life together

just the two of us.

- Promise?

- I promise.

- Would you mind if I wrote something on your cast?

- No, of course not.

What are you gonna write?

- The count's phone number.

Was it ALPINE68 or 86?

- Lisa!

- Oh, I'm just teasing.

- Oh!

- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas.

No, no, not this one.

No, no, not this one.

Oh no, I couldn't give that one.

- No, we couldn't give this one,

we couldn't give that one,

we couldn't give these ones.

Lisa, you've been at this for two hours.

Why don't you forget it?

- Well then how will we look with the C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F.?

- I don't care how we look...

- Oliver, I'll tell you what,

you pick a dress, any one, and I'll donate it.

- Alright, now you won't change your mind?

- No.

- Here, give that one.

- Not that.

- You said that...

- This is a Bacciavelli original.

He's a very famous Italian designer.

- What did he design, lasagna?

- Oh, that's a haha funny thing you said.

Besides, it's full of memories.

- It's full of spots too.

- This is the dress I bought

for the party we gave

when we first moved in our Park Avenue apartment.

How do you like my new dress?

- Oh, that's fine, fine.

Where's the butler that agency's sending over?

Supposed to be here at seven, it's almost eight.

The Wilson's will be here.

- Who are they?

- Well, Mr. Wilson's a man I'm trying to get as a client.

He's very important.

- Well, then you won't mind

what I paid for the dress.

- No.

How much?

- This is an original.

Bacciavelli designed it just for me.

- How much?

- 32 forints.

That's Hungarian money.

- How much in American money?

- $800.

- $800!

- You want me to go back to the forints?

- I'll tell you what I want you to do.

I want you to go back to Bacciavelli

and get your money back.

- Oliver, why did we have to have a party so soon?

We just moved in here last Monday

and everything is such a mess.

The sink in the kitchen doesn't work and...

- That's the Wilsons.

Hey, do me a favor,

check the hors d'oeuvres.

I'll get the door.

- Mr. Douglas, I'm Foster, the butler.

I'm sorry I'm late sir, I was detained.

- Never mind, just get to work.

You'll find everything in the kitchen.

Lisa.

- Oh, oh, oh.

This is...

- You don't have to tell me.

I'd know Mr. Wilson anywhere.

Welcome.

Where is your wife?

- Lisa, this is Foster, the butler.

- Well, he doesn't smell like a butler.

He's using the same cologne you do.

- Well, just show him where everything is, will you?

- Oh, right this way please.

Oh, the Wilsons.

So glad you could come.

- Thank you.

This is my wife Gloria.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

- Hello there.

- Oh, this is my wife Lisa,

Mr. And Mrs. Wilson.

- Oh, Mr. Wilson, I just kissed the butler for you.

- Lisa, take Mrs. Wilson's coat.

- Thank you.

I think I'll wear it.

- Oh, they've all seen the coat, Gloria, take it off.

- Oh, that's a lovely gown.

Isn't it, Lisa?

- I'll be right back.

- Well, won't you sit down?

- Thank you.

- How about some champagne?

- Love some.

- Foster, would you bring in the champagne please?

Would you like some hors d'oeuvres?

- If you don't mind.

- I'll hang up your coat.

He's new.

There's a mop in the closet

and some glasses in the cupboard.

Excuse me.

Oh, why hello folk Grace, how are you?

Happy to see you, Charlie.

Well, you finally made it, huh?

Nice to have you.

Oh, you all know the Wilsons.

Beautiful dress, hi.

- Oliver!

Oh, I'm so anxious to meet your wife.

- She's right here.

She'll be right out.

Lisa.

- Coming.

I'll be right back.

- You don't have to change your dress every time.

- Excuse me.

- Douglas?

- Yeah?

- Where's the bathroom?

- What?

- I'm the plumber.

- The plumber?

- Well, what's the matter.

Ain't plumber's allowed to wear tuxedos?

- Well...

- I was up to the Bronx to the sister's kid's wedding, see,

and the boss called, he says, "Get over there right away,

"It's an emergency."

Well, where's the bathroom?

- It's not the bathroom.

- It ain't?

It usually is at this hour, you know.

- It's the kitchen sink right through there.

Coming through folks.

- Champagne sir?

- Gee, thanks.

- He's the plumber.

Fix the sink.

- There weren't as many drunks

at the party I was at.

- Fix the sink!

- Oliver, did anybody come in wearing this one?

- No, no.

Look, do me a favor,

let's talk to the Wilsons, huh?

Oh, keep them occupied, I'll get it.

- Mr. Douglas?

- Yes.

- You're the guy that raised a stink

about the paint job I did in the living room?

- I didn't raise a st,

oh, I simply said that the paint on that wall

was lighter than the rest of the room.

- Yeah, you're right.

I'll get my ladder and go touch it up.

- Well, not now, we're having...

- Oliver, the Wilsons are out of champagne.

- I'll get some.

- If you'll hold the door open for me, mac.

- What are you doing?

- I'm stopping your sink.

Boy, are you plugged up.

I think this goes all the way down to the third floor.

- Stay in there!

- Oliver, you forgot the champagne.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I'll get it.

It'll only take a min...

- Oliver, where is the champagne?

- All over the kitchen floor.

There are more glasses on the top shelf.

- No, no, I'll get it.

You stay with the Wilsons.

If it's that stupid painter.

Look, I told... - Evening.

- What is this?

- We're supposed to exchange this for the other sofa.

- Oh, this is no time to bring...

- The decorator said it was an emergency.

- This is a party. - Excuse me.

- Oh, it's our new sofa.

- Yeah, lady, would you switch your seat?

- I'm sorry, Mr. And Mrs. Wilson,

we just moved in here.

- Champagne?

- Oh, thanks, mac.

- No, not you, will you get that couch out of here?

There you are Mr. And Mrs. Wilson.

- A toast to Mr. And Mrs. Wilson,

may all your children be little ones.

- Troubles, bottoms up.

- Move aside, please.

- Wait a minute.

- Yes?

- You clumsy idiot.

- It wasn't her fault.

- No I mean the other clumsy.

Here, let me help, I'm so,

maybe you'd better do it.

- I think we better get a towel.

- I'm terribly embarrassed Mrs...

- Douglas, do all your parties turn out like this?

- Well no, this really was a...

- Here's your trouble mac,

your old lady stuffed her girdle down the drain.

- Well, she's not my old lady, she's his old lad...

- Oh, you took off your girdle.

I'm glad you made yourself at home.

If you want to take your shoes off too.

- This is not my girdle.

- Well, it's not my, here.

- I don't want this thing.

I think we better go.

- Yes we better.

- Oh, Mr. Wilson, please.

- I should've known what to expect

the moment I stepped in the door

and saw your wife wearing that cheap copy

of my $800 gown.

- Copy?

Mine is the original.

That one is the copy.

- I beg your pardon,

but mine happens to be an exclusively designed for me by,

- Oh, excuse me, is the plumber here?

I'm his wife.

Hey, you must go to the same discount house I do.

- No!

- Champagne, sir?

- Just leave the tray.

Yeah, that was quite a party.

- You wouldn't want me to give this away.

- Oh no, I guess not.

- The trouble is Oliver

that all the clothes I have

have some memories attached to them.

- Yes, but...

- But we ought to donate something.

- Yeah, I think, hey, I got an idea.

We'll buy a rummage bundle from Mr. Haney

if I can find him.

How does he manage to show up?

Well, as long as he's here, let's go out,

buy some more clothes, have a glass of beer.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.