Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Are you ready for the shopping list?

- Ready.

- Do you have a piece of paper?

- Yes.

- How about a pencil?

- Lisa, just tell me what you need.

- What have you got down there so far?

- Nothing.

- Well, you didn't have to put that down.

- I didn't write...

- Put down a jar of instinct coffee.

- Instinct coffee?

- Well, you know, when you put the coffee in the cup

and you add some water, and it makes coffee in an instinct.

- One jar of instinct coffee.

- And we also need... - Mr. Douglas?

- Eb, uh, we're making out the shopping list.

- Oh, good.

Put me down a bottle of rum and a pineapple.

- What?

- I have to get used to those Hawaiian drinks.

- May I ask why?

- Well, didn't I tell you?

I'm going to Hawaii for two weeks.

- When?

- As soon as I win the contest.

Oh, you'd better mark down a jar of passion fruit, too.

- Passion fruit, is that good for... - No!

It's just the name of a fruit.

- What contest is it, Eb?

- It's the Peterson Poi Juice contest.

- Poi juice?

- They serve it every afternoon on the veranda

of the Tiki Bongo Hotel.

The Tiki Bongo is where they put you up for two weeks

if you win the contest.

In addition, the winner gets free catamaran lessons,

the use of a surfboard,

and a year's supply of shark repellent.

- And they also give you a ukulele

autographed by Duke Kanahaki.

- How do you know?

- Well I saw the commercial on their TV program last night,

Run For Your Wife.

- Run For Your Wife?

- Wasn't that a real grabber?

- Certainly was.

You see, these two fellows were on the top

of the Empire State Building,

and this one fellow pushed the other fellow off.

But he didn't know that the other fellow had a parachute,

and he drifted down into the arms of this beautiful girl,

and they were married, and lived happily ever after.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I missed that, it sounds like a great show.

- Oh, it wasn't the show, it was the commercial.

- What?

- It was very clever.

Right on top of the parachute they had printed,

drink Peterson's Poi Juice.

- Oh, that was clever.

- And when the fellow drifted down into the girls arms,

she said, "Let's get married

"and let's go on our honeymoon to Hawaii."

And he said, "I can't afford it."

And she said, "Maybe we can win a trip to Hawaii

"by going to our local grocer and get an entry blank

"and mail it into the Peterson Poi Juice Company."

- Oh, that is a sensational commercial.

- That wasn't the commercial, that was the show.

- Eb.

- Can I go into Drucker's with you and get my entry blank?

- No, you've got work to do.

- Oh, Eb, we'll get you an entry blank.

- Fred, I told you, I don't have any entry blanks

for a trip-to-Hawaii contest.

Who told you about it?

- Arnold.

He saw a commercial on some TV show called, uh,

oh, Run For Your Wife.

- Fred, you really understand what Arnold says?

- Oh, yeah, when he don't mumble.

Now, let me have one of them blanks.

- Fred, I told you, I never got any!

Oh, good morning, Mr. And Mrs. Douglas.

- Well, good morning, Mr. Drucker.

- Good morning.

- Mr. Ziffel.

- Hello there, Arnold.

What's the matter with Arnold?

- Oh, he always gets the shies in the presence

of a beautiful woman.

- The shies?

- Yeah, that's country talk.

- Oh, yes, yes.

Well, Mr. Drucker, we need a few...

What's the matter with him?

- Well, he's ahead of you.

He's got a lower number.

- He has number three.

What number do you have?

- I don't have a number.

- Well, you have to take one.

- Oh, 82?

Who has the other numbers?

- Well, there aren't any more.

I bought the system from a bankrupt bakery,

and that's the only two numbers they had left.

- Wait on Arnold.

- All we want is our entry blanks

to the Hawaiian trip contest.

- We want to get some of those, too.

- I just told Fred I didn't get any.

Them companies are always sending me contest blanks,

and I just throw 'em in here.

- Well, maybe that's what you done with the Hawaiian blanks.

- Oh, no, the only contest

for a trip I got is this here one.

First prize is an all-expense vacation to Verdun

to watch the Kaiser sign the armistice.

- I'd like to enter that one.

- Sorry, but you have to send in your entry blank

before November 11th, 1918.

- Mr. Drucker could you please wait on me.

- Mr. Drucker is still waiting on number three.

You're welcome.

- Doggone, they did send me some blanks

for that poi juice contest.

- Well, I'll take mine.

- Uh, so will I, and may I have one for Eb?

Oliver, will you take one?

- No, I'm not a poi juice drinker.

- Well, we finally found something you don't drink.

- Well, drinking ain't a requirement.

- Take one, Oliver.

- All right, thank you.

Now can I get waited on?

- Just a second.

What number have you got?

- 82.

- I'm ahead of you, I got number three.

- Where did you get that?

- The pig gave it to me.

- Well, I printed my name and address.

Now, what else do I have to do?

- Just sign your name in your own handwriting.

- Eb!

I've been looking all over for you.

- I've been right here.

- Doing what?

- We were filling out our poi juice blanks.

We filled out one for you, too.

All you have to do is sign it right here.

- If I do, then, can we get to work?

- Yes, sir.

- Be, be sure you spell Douglas the same way I did,

so they know that we are married.

- That's none of their business.

Now, can we get to work?

- As soon as he takes them to New York and mails them.

- New York?

- Well, we want to be sure that they get there in time

for the drawing.

- That's two weeks away!

You take these to Drucker's and mail it,

and I don't want to hear another word about that contest,

poi juice, or Hawaii.

- Aloha, amigo.

- Well, hello, Mr. Haney, uh, aloha, amigo?

- Uh, yeah, that's Hawaiian for, hello, wetback.

- Mr. Haney...

- I suppose you're on your way to take your hula lesson.

- Now, why should I take a hula lesson?

- You're not gonna foxtrot on Waikiki beach?

- I'm the type that might.

- I hate to see you spoil

an all-expense, two-week trip to Hawaii

by making a fool out of yourself.

- Mr. Haney, I appreciate your concern,

but I have no intension of going to Hawaii.

- You didn't you enter the poi juice contest?

- My wife talked me into signing a blank,

but, uh, I don't expect to win.

- Well, I've got a great deal more confidence in you

than you have.

And I'm willing to back it up with hard cash.

- What are you getting at?

- I figure first prize is worth $5,000.

So I'll give you my check for $2,500

for half interest in your entry.

- I'll take it.

- Sign here.

- Uh, well, just, just a minute here.

Now, what am I signing?

- Oh, it's just a simple agreement saying that if you win,

you'll split with me.

Now, I would take your word for it,

but the last time I went into one of these things,

the winner skipped off and went off to Verdun

and watched the Kaiser sign the armistice without me.

- Mr. Haney...

- Now, here's the place where you put your signature

to bind our simple agreement.

- This is not a simple agreement, there are 18 pages here.

- Well, being a lawyer, you know that a contract ain't legal

unless it has a few whereases and whereforeses.

- Well, if you'll explain this clause to me.

- The Hawaiian outfit clause.

Oh, that's very simple.

Now, in return for my check for $2,500,

you agree to buy a complete outfit of Hawaiian clothes

from the Haney Hawaiian South Sea Outfittin' Company.

Now, this includes such necessary items

as a Gilda Gray-type grass skirt,

plus, a south seas model pith helmet.

Now, in addition to the skirt and the helmet,

you get this dual-purpose rubber lei.

- A rubber lei?

- Self-inflatin'.

You can wear it around your neck,

or you can sit on it at one of them luauers.

- How much are you charging for this outfit?

- Well, because we're partners,

you can buy the whole thing for $3,500.

- I see, you give me a check for $2,500,

and, in return, I give you a check for $3,500.

- Well, we can do it that way,

or you can just give me your check for a thousand

and save a lot of paperwork.

- Bye.

- In the words of Duke Kakanaki,

aloha, nui wahu lalani.

Which means, may your bed be filled

with broken coconut shells.

- Well, it's hard to believe

that it's two weeks later already.

- What?

- That's what the sign over your head says.

- What sign?

- The one that said it's two weeks later.

And you know what that means?

- It means you've flipped.

- It means that tonight is the night for the drawing

on the Run For Your Wife program.

Well, aren't you going to come and watch it?

- I'd rather read.

- Don't you want to see if you win the trip to Hawaii?

- No.

- Just for that, if they pick your name,

I'm not going to tell you.

- Lisa, I'm trying to read.

Oh, for, come in!

I can't open the door!

I got my hands full!

- I'm coming!

- Did the show start yet?

- Yeah, it's in, what is that?

- Uh, it's a TV snack, a chocolate chip pizza.

- A chocolate chip pizza?

- It's not all chocolate chip.

It's got raisins, sardines, sour cream,

sliced pickles and cherries.

- Yuck!

- Hey, that's what they call it.

You just go in and ask for a yuck.

Would you like a bite?

- No, no, no, get it out of here.

- Yes, sir.

Uh, would you mind?

Gladly.

- In the words of Duke Kakanaki,

may your path be strong with palm fronds.

- Go eat your yuck.

- Yes, sir.

- Oh, no.

Come in!

- Oh, good evening, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, hi, Mr. Kimball, the TV's in the bedroom.

- Oh, thank you.

I didn't come over to watch television.

- Well, what did you come over for?

- Over where?

- Over here.

- No, I believe it's over there.

♪ Over there, over there

My cousin taught me that.

He learned it when he won a trip to Verdun

to watch the Kaiser sign the armistice.

- Yes.

- Am I interrupting anything?

- I'm trying to read this book.

- Oh, well, I'll wait till you finish it, then.

- Mr. Kimball, did you want to see me about something?

- Yes, I certainly did.

- What is it?

- What's what?

- What did you want to see me about?

- Uh, see you about.

Oh, it's a matter of the utmost, uh, well, not the utmost.

It's, uh, well, it's not that either, it's, uh.

- Well, tell me or forget it!

- Oh, yes, sir.

You know, I forgot it.

Well, good night.

- One minute till the drawing.

- Will you stop interrupting me!

Come in!

- Did I leave my hat in here?

- It's on your head!

- Oh, well, if you find it, would you save it for me?

Good night.

- Oh, brother!

Oliver, they're going to pick the name!

- What's the use?

- Now, here's the moment all America has been waiting for,

the drawing for the winner of our Hawaiian trip.

And now to select the lucky winner,

here is the president of the Peterson Poi Juice Company,

Mr. Clark Peterson.

- You want a piece of yuck?

- Mm, ew, get that stuff away from me.

- Shh!

- Oh! Uh, yes.

- Mr. Peterson, if you will, please.

- Yes.

- Don't forget, ladies and gentlemen,

that the winner will appear on this program next week,

at which time, Mr. Peterson will personally present him

or her with the airplane tickets

and hotel reservations at the fabulous Tiki Bongo Hotel,

which is only a 15-minute bus ride

from beautiful Waikiki Beach.

- On second thought, I'll have a piece of that yuck.

- Shh!

- Yes, uh, the winner is from, uh,

I think that's Hooterville.

- That's us, that's us!

- Shh!

- And the name of the winner is,

um, I can't quite read his handwriting.

Is, is that Oliver?

- Oliver, Oliver, it's you!

You won! You won!

- Shh, shh!

- No, that's not Oliver.

It could be Alfred.

No, it's Arnold, Arnold Ziffel!

Arnold Ziffel?

That's you, Arnold!

You've won the trip to Hawaii!

- Oh, hello there.

- Hello, good morning.

I wonder if you could help me?

- To do what?

- Well, I'm lost.

- Oh, well, the best thing is to find a policeman

and tell him, and he'll call your mother,

and she'll come and get you.

Hello there.

Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Who is it, Lisa?

- Oh, it's him.

- Um, my name is Robertson.

I'm with an advertising agency.

- Robertson, Williams, and Simon, huh?

- Perhaps you can help me.

I'm looking for the Ziffel farm.

- Well, you go down the road about a mile...

- What do you want to see them about?

- Well, as I said. - Lisa.

If you don't stop interrupting,

you're gonna have to go back in the house.

- He always treats me like a child,

except on Saturday nights when I mix the martinis.

- Uh, you were going to tell me how to find the Ziffel farm?

- No, you were going to tell us why you want to see them.

- Well, if you were watching television last night,

you probably know that Arnold Ziffel

won the Peterson Poi Juice drawing.

I'm here to talk to him about his appearance

on our show next week,

and to make arrangements for his trip to Hawaii.

- I take it you haven't had any contact yet with Arnold?

- No, I told you, I'm lost.

- Well, if you think you're lost now,

wait till you meet Arnold.

Uh, Mr. Ziffel, this is Mr. Robertson.

- Mr. Robertson is with the advertising firm

of Robertson, Williams and Simon.

- Oh, howdy.

- Mr. Robertson got lost, so we brought him over.

He's here to talk to Arnold about winning

the Hawaiian contest.

- Well, Arnold's all excited about that.

Say, what part of Europe is Hawaii in?

- It's not in Europe, it's in the Pacific.

- The Pacific what?

- The Pacific Ocean.

- Oh, that one.

- Uh, Mr. Ziffel, I'd like to meet Arnold.

We have a lot of arrangements to make

for his appearance on our TV show next week.

- Mm, well, he just come home from school.

- He's in the third grade.

- Oh, how old is he?

- Well, let's see now, about six years ago,

I met his mother and fell in love with her.

I traded Ben Miller a plow for her.

- You traded your plow for...

- She was carrying Arnold at the time.

- That's the way we do things in Hooterville.

- Um, then, Arnold is your stepson?

- Well, yes, but then I brought him up as my own.

- Well, that's very commendable.

May I see him, please?

- Well, certainly, come on in.

- Your nerves in pretty good shape?

- Yes, they seem fine.

- After you.

- Oh, he's been playing that same record

ever since he heard he won the trip to Hawaii.

Arnold, cut that thing off and come on in here.

Arnold, this is Mr. Robertson.

How do you, uh...

Did you call him... - Yes, he did.

- But he's a... - Yes, he is.

- May I use the phone?

- Arnold Ziffel is a what?

A pig?

Well, clean him up and buy him some new clothes

before he appears on TV.

What?

He's what kind of a pig?

Well, that's impossible!

You tell those people he is not eligible.

- Yes, sir, I'll tell them.

Mr. Ziffel, I'm sorry to tell you this,

but we can't give Arnold his prize.

- If you quiet down, I'll ask him.

Why can't he have his prize?

- Because a pig is not eligible to enter our contest.

Well, if you'd read the rules.

- I read the rules,

and it didn't say anything about if you were a pig,

you couldn't enter.

- Lady, would you please mind your own business?

- Just a minute, you're talking to my wife.

- This matter is no concern of hers or yours.

- Well, I'll make it a concern of Mr. Douglas.

He's a lawyer, and I'm gonna hire him to represent Arnold.

- You're a pig lawyer?

- Look, I resent the...

- There is nothing to resent.

He is the best pig lawyer in the whole state.

- How much shall we sue 'em for, Mr. Douglas?

- Go ahead and sue.

You'll never stand a chance in court.

- Oh, I'm sure you wouldn't want to go to court.

How will it look when the word gets out

that a pig won the Peterson Poi Juice contest?

- May I use the phone?

- The pig has hired a lawyer?

What saloon are you phoning from?

What?

Well, even if there isn't anything in the rules about pigs,

there is one condition in those rules

which I think will discourage him and his lawyer.

- Yes, sir.

I'd forgotten all about that, Mr. Peterson.

It'll be a pleasure.

Well, Mr. Douglas...

- Watch it, Oliver, I think he's going to loophole you.

- Since you're making such an issue

of sticking to the rules,

we're perfectly willing to do just that.

May I remind you that each entry blank

had to be signed by the entrant?

- So?

- So, may I see Arnold sign his name?

- You got a pen?

- There you are, Mr. Ziffel.

- Thank you, Mr. Douglas.

Here, Arnold.

Sign your name.

- Yes, you can use the phone.

- Oliver, Oliver, you're a hero.

- Lisa, please.

- All these letters are from people

who read about what you did for Arnold.

- Yeah, fine.

- They all want you to handle the legal cases

for their animals.

- Look, uh...

- Here is one from a woman with a dog

that wants to get a divorce.

- The dog wants a divorce?

- No, the woman, but the dog is against it.

- Lisa.

- Anyway, if it weren't for you,

Arnold wouldn't be going to Hawaii tomorrow.

- I hope he has a good time.

- Do you want to go to the station and see Arnold off?

- No, that won't be necessary.

We sent him a bottle of champagne.

Come in!

- Oh, hello, Mr. Ziffel.

We were just talking about coming to the station

to say goodbye to Arnold.

- Well, you can say, hello, because he ain't goin'.

- He isn't?

- Can we have our bottle of champagne back?

Just thought I'd ask.

- Why isn't Arnold going?

- Well, they sent him his ticket and itinerary,

and he liked the idea of the governor of Hawaii

meeting him at the airport,

and he likes a hula show,

and the ride in the outrigger canoe.

But when he found out

that he was to be the guest of honor at the luau,

he called off the trip.

- Well, what's wrong with a luau?

- The main course is roast pig.

Thanks for everything, Mrs. Douglas.

Goodbye.

- Well, Oliver, like Duke Kakanaki says,

you can lead a pig to Hawaii,

but you can't make him drink it.

- Uh, why don't you read some of the letters.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going into the Pixley Pizza Parlor

and get a great big yuck.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.