Original subtitles

The best things in life are free.

But you can give them to the birds and bees. I need fun.

That's what I want.

That's what I want.

That's what I want.

That's what I want.

That's what I want. That's what I want. What the fuck

are you doing?

This building is...

Cock. It's fucking freezing out. It's freezing.

When did it get like this?

Midsummer. That thing is blazing away. I can't breathe in here. As soon as it

gets like this, there's nothing. Nothing coming out. Not that fucker either.

It is bad. Why don't you know when it got cold?

I've been in a fucking weed bunker for five days.

Making a living, damn it.

Five days?

Yeah. Where were you shitting? Never mind where I'm shitting.

I've come for a renewal on my fucking medicine. I've been with that now for a

few days.

Laughter, that's what you need. That's the best medicine, Vincent.

Laughter. I agree, but I need to be around people that don't get on my tit.

No, no. I've got a good one for you. Oh.

Ready? Yeah.

Irish lesbian goes to the doctor. Already inappropriate.

Why? Come on.

The only people you can take the piss out of now are people like me.

What, fucking posh cunts with fat red heads?

Middle -class female athlete goes to the doctor. She says, Doctor, Doctor, I'm

very worried. I think I'm growing a penis.

I think it's the steroids.

Doctor says anabolic.

She goes, no, just the penis.

See? See?

You see? That's all you need. You don't need pills.

Still outrageous.

Listen, hurry up, dude. Get a repeat prescription on there, will you? I've

to go and arrange a truce meeting between two fucking lunatics.

I'm telling you now, Vincent, I'm not meeting him at anywhere of his choosing.

I do not trust that man, if you can call him a man. Any venue he picks is likely

to be some sort of trap. Listen, I get it. I hear what you're saying. But after

an extensive chat via the medium of fucking text, he's just not happy

anywhere of your choosing.

Oh, the mucky fuck. Are we meant to baroque our troops if we can't agree on

fucking location? Call him up. Tell him that the only agreeable option is a

neutral destination chosen by a third party.

What third party? What third party? Sorry.

It's cold weather out.

Hmm?

We'll go for a carvery.

Everybody loves a carvery. Somewhere convivial.

Exposed beams, open fires.

And if he agrees, in principle, then we will choose a destination randomly

selected from the internet.

Do you like carvery?

I'm particularly partial to a roasted parsnip.

But not everywhere does them, do they?

Yorkshire pudding.

Pigs in blankets.

Onion gravy.

Oof. It's the shiz.

Reminds me of me dad, you know.

Carvery. After me mum fucked off.

That's sweet.

Used to make me go down to the wheat sheaf, steal as much as I could. We'd

on the church steps and eat it.

Bonding. My dad used to whack me with the buckle end of the belt.

Call me a fairy cake boy.

He loved a carvery.

I'll ring kittens.

Right. Thank fuck we've got a menu.

Hey. Where is it to be done?

It's at Harriman, up Rampton Way.

It's a bit high in the hills, especially in this weather, but apparently there's

a very good carvery.

Sorry, who the fuck is Joey Kitten and why has Davey got beef with him?

Long. It's long enough. Shall I just... In a nutshell.

All right.

In a nutshell.

A vacuum was created by the untimely death of a local gangster.

One who re -initially fell foul of by stealing his daughter's shell and

it in their eyes. Yeah.

Fuck off.

Concussion.

Good times. We started selling and growing weed on his behalf and then

ultimately turned against him and incarcerated him by planting the severed

of a disgruntled employee into his wardrobe.

Oh, well, well.

As one does. Yeah. Then, into this void stepped two men. One, Joseph Giddens,

and one, David Madonna, who entered into a fierce territorial dispute.

One which, I dare say, will not end harmoniously.

Very well done.

Thank you very much. Just a little bit in a nutshell. You know what I mean? In

nutshell. Carvery, man. I bloody love a Carvery.

You've got to agree with me, don't you?

Listen, hey, the main thing is we've found a bloody location where David

McDonagh and Joseph the Kittens are going to fucking meet finally.

Christ.

Carvery. Of course I like a Carvery. Who doesn't like a Carvery?

Applesauce, butt spuds.

Roasties. Spaghetti.

No. That's not in there. When are you going?

Look, tomorrow, 2pm.

Great, late lunch, a few cheeky Guinness. Oh, Guinness, happy days,

No. You're not invited, Michael, you fucking jovial toad.

Yeah, it's me who's angling for an invite.

You're not fucking going either.

No, no, no, if anyone's going, it's me going, sir. I was reared on a carvery. I

was purified and blended down into a baby's bottle and I would just suck it

Why would you do that? It's full of nutrition.

Shut up! Stop making fucking words.

You're not invited.

This is a truce between... to violence by capacity.

We're not going in there mob -handed. You can fuck off.

Dickheads.

It's fucking freezing.

I tell you what, we fucking better be in there.

Lord God.

My trousers are soaking.

He's racist.

Well, that's ironic, seeing as the dog's black.

You've got a racist dog.

Don't blame me, sweetheart.

I like dark women.

Rihanna, Huffy Goldberg.

Fantasy threesome.

All right, then.

Nice to meet you, then.

I'm pissed we're through. I know. I need to get to your jeans, love. Can you

swap at me? Fuck no, I ain't swapping with you, lunatic. Swap at me, please.

you want to wear my leggings?

What? Well, I've got leggings on underneath because it's bloody Baltic

don't mind. They're lady leggings. Go and put the fucking leggings on. Your

are blue.

Son of a bitch.

Mr O 'Neill.

Oh, my, my, my.

We have brought the full compliment.

Just like the last supper.

But which one of you is Judas Iscariot?

So that's up our cabaret.

And what's with the entourage?

They wanted a fucking cabaret, didn't they? And well, they might.

Vincent, and well, they might.

Stephen is back there now, preparing it up to his elbows in potato peel. Isn't

that right, Paula?

And Paula is the standing landlady. Catherine and Jeremy are away for a few

days. Venice.

Mm -hmm. A mini break.

Oh, lovely.

Nice. Hang on a minute. Does that mean the carvery's not going to be as good as

usual? No. Kath and Jez left all the ingredients and very detailed

My Stephens are within the kitchen.

Mm.

Oh, how is it you're on first -name terms with this landlady?

I came early, Vincent.

Steady my nerves.

Oh. And Paula and Stephen have been the most convivial hosts.

Hey, come on, let's take a seat, everyone.

Be fine to pull tables together, won't it, Paula?

Doesn't look like there's going to be a rush on.

Is anyone else having the car?

Ham and turkey?

Starving. Hey, that bloke in the corner?

It's a spitting image of Lionel Richie. Oh, my God, I think it is.

I'm not trying to break it to you, but I think it's highly unlikely that the

American best Commodore singer is over there playing dominoes in the corner of

remote northern public house in the middle of a fucking snowstorm.

Do you know what I mean? Maybe he's here for recovery.

Oh, fuck off, Michael.

What? Could be.

Hello?

Are they all right?

Yeah, they're fine.

Just a little tight.

Well, are they just a bit short?

It's not that. It's not that.

Look, you don't want to know what's in here.

Oh, come on. No, no, no.

Wow.

That is quite something.

I know. My God, Ash. I mean, God has no idea. We're going to have to improvise.

I mean, yeah, absolutely, we will.

Let's get some drinks flowing, shall we?

Who wants a wine? They do a rather delicious French Shiraz. I'll have a

Guinness. I'll have a vodka slimline, please.

Oh, I'll have the same. Right, so a red, a white, pint of lager, pint of

Guinness, two vodka slimlines, magnifique.

Thank you, David. Thank you, David.

Thanks, David.

Nice one, David. Bye.

Weird, weird, weird, weird.

Fucking weird. He's being nicer than normal, like he's on something or

something. Maybe he is. Maybe he's hoofing the chank on the slide.

Or maybe, you know, maybe he's just buzzed about potentially brokering a

And finally, he gets it out to me fucking flat upstairs above me pub.

Christ. Honestly.

Tink's up there. Where's Kitchens?

He's fucking late now.

Should I ring him?

I'll tell you what it'll be. It'll be a power move, won't it?

He'll come swishing on in in a pair of very inappropriate heels.

It's not a fucking signal anyway.

I'm going to put some tunes on because it's like a fucking morgue in there.

God, you're Billy.

Oh, for God's... What the fuck are you wearing?

I needed some extra coverage.

It's because of your long penis.

Yes. Oh, my God.

Have you seen the size of that thing? Not me thick.

Yeah.

Upsetting. Don't think I'm a duck.

No, I can't. I'm just here for Calvary with some friends.

I think it's very good.

Oh, it is.

Catherine and Jeremy do a fine Calvary.

A dollop of butter in the greens and a secret roasted glaze.

Some say they mix the love juices in it.

Right. You know, it's not like them two to take a holiday.

Jeremy hates flying, and they only went away a month ago.

Don't they?

Don't they think?

Said they got an Indian summer.

And then when I was leaving it last night, I said to Kath, I said, see you

tomorrow, Kath.

Do you know what she said?

No. See you tomorrow.

It was a surprise trip on our anniversary.

Here you go.

Not many in here today.

Yeah, yeah, it's the snow.

The thing that's going to dump down.

To be honest with you, I nearly didn't open up today because...

I've had a very discombobulating experience back at the house. What

Well, there was a knock at the door, right? So I opened the door and there

man standing there, face like thunder, and he says... Do you live here?

Well, yeah, obviously I live here.

And he says... I live on the next street. Our garden's back onto one

And I'm not being funny, but I can see everything that goes on in this house.

So? I'm thinking, what am I doing?

You know, my mind's racing.

Because sometimes I do have a bit of a dance in the kitchen when I'm pissed,

usually with my clothes on.

Anyway, then he says... From my back window, we can see everything, and it

to stop.

Now I'm in a panic. I'm like, what have I done? What needs to stop?

I mean, I do this, like, squirty cream thing sometimes, but I doubt it's that.

Anyway, then I remember...

I had climbing ivy put in over the window for that very reason, so I'm

you can see anything at all.

But, yeah, come in, come through and have a look.

So I took him through to my garden and he looked at the climbing ivy and he

went... I must be looking into next door.

And off he went, as if he'd never even made an accusation.

What a nubbed!

Yeah. Makes the question, what have next door been up to?

Exactly.

What has got to stop?

What are they doing?

Something you don't like seeing.

I kind of want to know what it is now.

Yeah, me too. And me.

Well, I was actually thinking of, like, sitting in their garden and watching

them, but I don't want people thinking I'm like, whack, whack.

I'll come with her.

OK.

David, love, do you not think we should hang on for Joey Kinlan's thinking

maybe... Maybe he's changed his mind, Vincent.

It could be a very capricious creature, Conjury Kittens. Now, come on.

Dig in.

Right, yes. Now, listen, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but it does have

the distinct whiff of sort of elderly person's breath. Know what I mean? So I

might just pop out and there'll be a cigarette instead.

There I am.

Hello?

And now...

Hello?

Hello?

Fucking God.

Fucking hell.

Oh, shit. That's bad.

Fucking hell, mate.

That's a bad wound.

You need to get to hospital, mate.

Jesus Christ, it's lots of blood.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Right, okay.

Folk, it's... I don't know.

Okay.

Look, Fred. Fred's on that.

From the bleeding. From the bleeding.

Ah, no, no. I'll lift you up a little bit, sweetheart.

Lift yourself up. There we go.

Ah, no, sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry.

You just... Right.

I'm going to call an ambulance.

I'm going to call... No signal.

Right.

Just... Don't move. Right.

Yeah, did you want to have a look at the, uh, the Harriman memorabilia room?

I fuck?

Trying to get through this liquid sadness, eh?

In the hay.

Maybe come and have a look at the Harriman memorabilia room.

Oh, yeah, no, I did say, uh, yeah, I mentioned that I was interested in the

history of the dry corn hat.

Mm -hmm.

What's wrong with you? What's up?

Hey, what's up?

Upstairs. In an upstairs room, Joy Kittens is lying in a pool of real

blood with his guts hanging out. I think substantial stomach wound. Fuck me,

dude.

Well, hey, is he alive?

For now, no. Meanwhile, David is swarming about suspiciously, upbeat,

everyone that Joy hasn't arrived yet, well, upstairs is a fucking bloodbath.

Oi, oi.

Oh, my God. Look at them blades.

Pistols not mounted with original bullets, huh?

Shut up!

The problem?

This is a fucking problem.

What? Joey Cairns is bleeding to death from a fucking knife wound upstairs.

David has fucked us right up the anus.

I don't know.

The woman, you know, the one with the mad eyebrows, she said that a landlord

landlady never got bored and that they should be here today.

Right, right. The questions are these.

Where the fuck are they? And who the fuck?

I'll pour that in the statement.

Fuck me, dude.

One week after burial, Dick Turpin's body was dug up and it was sold

for illegal dissection.

David! David, what the fuck have you done, man?

You tell me.

Monsieur? He's fucking stabbed Joey Cairns. He's upstairs.

He's fucking bleeding out.

Are you all right?

No, sugar, unsurprisingly. No, he is in urgent need of urgent medical attention.

Urgently. Now, gentlemen, come on.

We've only just had the starter.

They haven't even wheeled the meat out yet. Davey, for fuck's sake. I'm just so

very disappointed in you, Vincent.

Snooping around.

What the fuck? Davey, for fuck's sake, man. This is crazy.

No, don't.

Calm yourself.

Oh, shit.

You were all very excited to come here for the highly rated dining experience.

So I suggest that you all take a seat.

And when Stephen wheels in the meat, we fill our boot.

Hmm? David, just put the fucking knife down, man. Come on. Listen, man, this is

supposed to be a truce, all right? It's not exactly going to happen if one of

you ends up dead, is it?

Lord the Jungle Garage Boy.

Eat.

I'll be eating.

Ladies and gentlemen, your cavalry is served.

I must say, it looks great.

Get over, Michael, you great twat. Look what's going on, fuck's sake.

Oi, where's the real landlady and landlord right now?

Look, everything will be fine as long as Kittens agrees to all of my demands.

Vincent, why don't you bring Shirley Temple over there?

I think she will be somewhat invested in this particular conversation.

No, thank you, little red riding hare. You just eat your greens.

And if any one of you tries to raise the alarm, then I'm just going to carve

these two like a donna cabal.

And I'm going to turn this convivial country pub into a scene of

untold fucking carnage.

Okie dokie.

What demands, David?

McCann's money is my money.

And I want Joey to agree that I am in control of McCann's territory from now

And he can send a message to all interested parties telling them that

the case.

David, listen to me. He's not going to agree.

To any of that. And why the fuck have you dragged Fay up here, for God's sake?

I think you'll be surprised what people will do when they feel the life force

ebbing away.

Uncle Jay!

Oh, fuck!

Uncle Jay! Uncle Jay!

Davy, what the fuck?

You all right? Look at me, look at me. Is Joey Kittens your uncle? Yeah, I

fucking know him, is I? from your Uncle Jay.

Nice little family reunion.

You need to help him. He's fucking bleeding out.

Can you hear me? Can you hear me?

She's bad, actually.

She's very, very, very fucking bad. And actually, like I was about to say, I

fear for our lives.

David's losing his fucking mind in there and there's fuck all we can do about

it, I don't know.

Yeah.

Here, we'll ask him about... No, no, hey!

How are you? We don't know who he is, do we, love?

Hello there!

You, er... You have the cavalry?

I'm a folk.

Looking for me brother -in -law.

Would he have a record, Doug?

Or perhaps an eye patch?

Would he look like Lionel Richie?

No. No.

But he was here first thing this morning.

And according to his wife's tracker, he's still here.

Right, well, their windows are the same as mine.

And in back there, as you can see, straight into it. So I reckon if we hide

the side of that shed, we should be able to get a perfect view.

Side of the shed? Why not inside the shed? It's got a window.

It's got a padlock, Jim.

Padlock? I can have that fucker off in two seconds flat. Are you seriously

suggesting breaking and entering someone's private property?

Yes, I fucking will am.

Fine. It's fucking freezing. Yeah, it is.

Hey, piece of piss. Let me in.

Hey, you've got a fucking answer.

Hey, and a kettle.

Bingo. And that perfect view.

Now all we've got to do is sit here and wait.

Come on.

Big for the boys.

Big for the lady.

Kids.

David,

please. Please, dude. This is fucking insane. Let's just talk about this like

reasonable fucking human beings. Simple fix here, Joey.

Seriously? Seriously, you're going to fucking die?

That's it, David.

Please, I'm begging you. He needs fucking help. He's bleeding out. He

dead. Made plans to make it happen by you.

What the fuck are you talking about, you twisted fuck?

Joey, Joey, he's going to leave you to fucking bleed out, dude.

Close.

Close.

What's he saying?

He said to tell David to fuck his dead brother.

Fuck my dead brother.

Okie dokie.

Oh, fuck!

Fucking stop, dude! What the fuck?

David! David!

David! The fuck's that? You're going too far!

Now stay the fuck there!

What the fucking hell are you locking her in there for?

Vinnie! Vinnie! What do you fucking want now?

A bloke's just arrived looking for his brother -in -law. He says he disappeared

this morning.

Disappeared? Oh, how strange.

I'll have a word with him. Oh, fuck me in the arse. Get out of here, you big

ham. What the fuck's going on?

What are they doing?

Not much.

She's fucking around on her phone and he's doing a bit of cooking.

Oh, what are they having?

Looks like some poncy omelette.

Knock, knock. I can see him.

Everything that goes on in your house, and it's fuck -boring.

Well, I don't mind.

I've got my drinks, I've got my snacks,

I've got my two unky boys for company.

Him? Unky?

He won't meet on an anorexic pencil. Hey, fucking lean me.

No, you've got a great body for a man in your age. Thank you.

And you, you've got lovely hair. My ex -husband, he had long hair. It's like

stamps.

Fucking Delilah more like.

Looks the right cunt.

Oh, it's all right for you men.

When you get to my age as a woman, everyone just looks right through you.

You're still a good looking woman.

Oh, thanks, boys.

How long have you been split, if you don't mind me asking? Oh, years and

I had a lover when Sugar was little.

What a man.

Wow, he really knew what to do in the downstairs department.

He's dead now, sadly.

Do you ever try and speak to him?

She's just told you he's fucking dead.

Yeah, you can speak with the dead.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Seances. Hold them every month at my farm. We're select friends.

He's talking shite. When you're dead, you're fucking dead.

Your fucking heart stops, your brain stops, then they fucking burn you, and

that's all there is to it.

Can we try it, though?

Shall we give it a whirl?

Your brother -in -law's a delivery driver.

Local pies and quiches.

Delivers to this place every other day.

Look, today, he never left.

Well,

sometimes they don't update those things, do they? Especially in bad

It's probably the weather playing havoc. Something's wrong.

I can feel it in me piss.

What a masterful grasp you have.

With the English language that's rare in a manual worker. What is your name?

Ian. I'll tell you what I'll do for you, Ian.

Have a go and ask the landlord.

Why don't you get yourself a nice pint of bitter?

I don't want a pint of bitter.

I want to look around. It says he's here, so he must be here.

Unless you've got something to hide.

Oh, you're referring to my designer, Charles? Well, that's just from where I

cutting up the meat of the succulent carvery.

But if you really want to have a look around this establishment, then why

you just ask Paula, the landlady?

And if she agrees, knock yourself out.

I'd like to look around, please.

Well... I'm quite busy here, so... I'd rather you didn't. I want...

a look.

Come on, then.

Follow me.

You've got a bad, bad feeling about this. Me too.

Fucking hell.

There's two people bleeding profusely upstairs. What's he going to do? Show

to Pyman's unfeasibly large brother -in -law?

We need help. We need help. Listen, stay here. I'm going to go and see if I can

find some reception.

All right.

Shall we? Yeah.

This is where the magic happens.

What's down there?

Cellar. Storage rooms, you know. I might have gone down there for some reason.

Unlikely. Delivering pies.

Can I have a look?

Be my guest.

Sorry, do you mind if we follow?

Because I've always wanted to see what the inside of a real cocktail looks

If you insist.

As you can see, nothing but barrels, crates and an abundance of cheese and

crisps.

What's in there?

No idea.

I want to see inside.

It seems unlikely, Ian, that your brother -in -law will get himself into a

room in a pub cellar and then just somehow accidentally get locked inside,

you think? Even so, can we open it?

Okey -dokey.

I think I've got the key here somewhere.

What fresh hell is this now?

Well, in a nutshell, we've had two stab -ins, a kidnap -in and a couple

imprisoned. That's an injury.

Oh, fucking hell.

The fuck are they doing in there, then? Long story, Vincent.

It's a fucking long story, is it? Calm yourself down.

Nobody's going to get hurt.

They can breathe in there.

What a sweetheart.

Fuck you, Stephen, you beady -eyed bastard.

Sweet. What? Do you like the fucking lion? Fucking know that. Get them poor

bastards out of here. I'll go and deal with the psychopath.

Davy! Davy, what?

Oh,

like that, like that.

Oh, that fucking hell. Davy.

Davy. Davy.

Ed, listen, just tell me what's happening. If the real landlord and

fucking bound and gagged downstairs, who the fuck are Paula and Stephen, man?

Cousins.

Your cousins? That's right.

When the venue was agreed upon, then I had an epiphany. Remote pub, run by an

ageing couple. I realised that this might be the chance that I was waiting

so I came up last night on a wrecking.

Ah.

Got talking to Catherine and Jeremy.

Lovely couple.

Pretended I was opening my own gastropub. Asked a few casual questions

were only too happy to answer. Once the cleaner's gone of a morning, it's just

me and Kath.

Prepping old food.

Getting the bar fully stocked.

So I slept in my car and first thing, Stephen and Paula arrived.

And we waited until...

I didn't see anything. I swear.

You fucking pushed him off a fucking cliff.

Did I say a cliff?

I said gully.

All right, well, is he alive?

He wasn't in the van, Vincent.

Oh. Where is he?

He's in a safe location.

What? He was in danger of fucking everything up.

Hand tape. Dancer.

Oh.

Change of plan, Joey.

The pub only serves cardboard till 2pm, so you need to arrive by 1 .30pm.

Toodle -oo.

Henchman. I'm afraid that Vincent hasn't arrived yet.

It's probably the weather.

May I buy you a beverage while we're waiting?

Why not?

Between 1735 and 1737.

But nobody knows for sure.

He's been enough.

Joey?

You fucker.

Brian. Joey's fucked.

What are you waiting for, Ryan?

Kill the twat.

I mean, that's another one.

Who's he?

Outside in the boot of my car.

Oh, you.

Go on, then. What happened?

Joey Kitten, this is what I want you to do. And if you do not agree, then you

and this cavalry food spike thing are going to become very acquainted.

Yes? Yes, Davey.

Yes. Shall I hear?

Start heating the puddings yet? Fuck me, Stephen. Why don't you go and see how

they're getting on with the mains? There's a good boy.

Why did you even carry on with the fucking carver if you've stabbed him

See what I mean?

There's knocking at the gate.

Come. Come.

Come.

Come.

Give me your hand.

What's done cannot be undone.

Dumb. It's really scary.

Lady Macbeth. Fuck you, Lady Macbeth, for God's sake.

This is fucked. It's unhinged, all right? And it's not you.

This isn't you. You're not a killer.

You're not.

Well, I'm very touched by this outpouring of concern from Vincent.

And yes, I think I've got a tad out of control, but...

Why don't you just go back there and enjoy the car while I sit here and try

figure out the way to resolve things. All right, well, if you mean that,

give me a hug.

Come on.

It's not like you to be shy, is it? Come on.

It's not that, is it? Christ.

It's all right, mate.

Are there any spirits here today?

No, but she's got Pina Colada.

He can't speak.

It scares him away.

Does it really?

The imaginary spirit.

Jim, please. Are there any spirits here today?

Yes, there are spirits.

Is it someone known to the living in the room?

It is someone known.

Well, now there's a fucking surprise.

Hey. And if they're known to me, what the fuck are they doing hanging about in

her next -door neighbour's garden shed? Jim!

What? What is your name?

Paul... Is it Paulie?

Is it Paulie Turner?

Who's Paulie? He's my ex -lover that I told you about. I can't believe it.

No, neither can I. Paulie!

Is it you?

I'm feeling a...

Voice saying yes.

He says he misses you. And he's asking if there's anything you'd like to say

to him.

Is there anything from the afterlife that he wants me to know?

He says, life is short. You must do what you've always wanted to do

before it's too late. He says... No, no.

No, he's fading.

He's fading.

He's fading.

He's gone.

Do what I've always wanted to do.

I mean, I did tell him. I asked him to do it, but he said he didn't want

to.

What was that, then?

Well, um...

bit out there.

Very romantic, huh?

We've tried, but it is like Fort fucking Knox down there.

No one's getting out of there without a key. Shit.

Oh, what the fuck's this now?

Now... I'm sorry to interrupt everybody's day, but there's good news

news. Now, the good news is because the snow is getting heavier, Paula and

Stephen are offering everybody in the bar a free drink.

Happy days. The bad news is... No, fucker.

Leave this poor shit till I fucking say so.

No calls for alarm?

Hmm?

Just put your mobile into the call bucket that Paula is bringing around.

We have a bit of a situation unfolding, but we do not want anybody panicking.

There's no signal anyway.

You look so glum.

Hmm? You got your free drinks?

Blitz spirit.

All in it together.

Oh, look at him sing. Somebody sing us a song.

Impressions, then?

Yes. I'm a talented comedian.

King of the one -liners. Shut the fuck up, man. Things are bad enough, you're

just going to set them off. What was that, JJ?

Oh, do you want to come up?

Is that what it is? Oh, come on, don't be shy.

No, thank you. I really don't have, like, a party trick or anything.

I'll be cocked.

You came at me once, do you remember?

Because of her.

You knocked me onto my derriere.

You have depth we haven't seen yet.

Well, come on, everybody, give him a round of applause.

The stage is yours, young man.

Point to me back left -hand pocket. There's a key.

Let's go.

There's a bedroom upstairs.

Faye's in it. She's hurt.

What the fuck? Was it David? She's going to live, but she needs checking up. You

need to go now.

He's going to fucking notice me, isn't he? I'll cover for you, won't I? Go now.

Do you have anything else?

No.

Shit. Fuck.

Where's Davey?

He's down there. He's got the whole fucking pub hostage. I don't think we're

going to be able to get out.

Do you want a bite?

Fucking Christ.

Is it an elephant?

An elephant?

Fuck me. Just get him off.

I fucking have jokes.

Proper cunt. Fucking joke. Give him a chance. He's got a great banger about a

pope and a rat.

How about you sing us a song? I don't sing songs. Oh, shit.

Sweet cheeks, because that is what I want.

Someone must be able to give us a fucking song.

Who can sing us a song?

Go on, then.

Why me? Come on, a nice little ditty.

Something to keep the fucking mood light.

Cheer us all up.

What's that?

Probably nothing.

Nothing?

That isn't nothing. That is a fucking alarm, sweetheart!

And where was she?

Hmm? Little orphan Annie?

Where was she?

Where was she? She's gone to the toilet for a piss, man. Toilet? Yeah.

Yeah.

Knife.

Stephen, you keep.

These fucker here.

Infinite.

Fuck.

Careful, Vinnie.

Stephen, do you want to hear some funny jokes?

Yeah, yeah, do your jokes.

What's wrong?

Here we come.

Is this you, Vincent?

Fuck, no.

No, it's... I've finally found our Judas Iscariot. God, David, I was in the

fucking bar with you seconds ago. How could he be me?

Let me tell you a story.

Everyone think.

Judas hanged himself out of remorse for what he did to Jesus.

That's not the truth.

The truth?

The truth is... Oh, fuck, Davy! What the fuck?

Vincent!

What? The truth is he was found dead in the field that he bought with his stolen

money and his intestine spewing out of his body.

Revenge? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Surely one of the disciples wouldn't cause such butchery.

Someone did.

Someone found the betraying cunt and pulled it inside outside.

David, I'm not Judas, am I? And you're certainly not fucking Jesus.

I mean, honestly, if they've gone, just let them go, I say.

Let them go?

I think you are forgetting the ostrich head and the threat on my life, Vincent.

What's the problem with eating a clock?

I need to do something here, Tom. I don't like the vinnies out there with

on his own.

What are you thinking?

I'll create a distraction.

Then we'll all pile out, Jim.

All right. Why did the frog get the bus to work?

Because his car got towed.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mick Denning's the pride of the Emerald Isle, wasn't he,

Farron Thornton?

Do you want to see Uncle Ashley do a juggling trick? Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Juggling, for fuck's sake. Yes, yes.

Go on, they think they want to see Uncle Ashley doing the empty pint glass

juggling trick.

Yeah?

Good man.

Now, I've got one pint glass, do I have a second?

Curtis Plum, you're a legend, thank you for that. Stephen, if you don't mind...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, use that one. Now, it's a very simple set of... Fucker

fingers, you know what I hate when things just fall down and...

Can't see a fucking thing.

How can it just stop?

They must be nearby.

I know, but just listen, dude.

I think we should go back.

We need to fucking warm up. We'll have a cup of tea. We'll just talk about all

this. Try and figure it out. It's out of hand, man.

Fucking hell.

Oh, fuck me.

Oh, no. Fucking hell.

Gee, I am so sorry, bud. Fuck me.

Phone.

You knew.

What? Didn't you?

Just... You knew he was going to do this.

Just... Let's put that down, Ed. Just put the fucking gun down.

He was my uncle.

Yeah, I know. I didn't know. I had no idea.

But I was fucking dead.

Hey, hey.

Listen to me. Listen, I had no idea he was your uncle. I'm really fucking

Listen, Davey's a fucking nutcase. He's a law unto himself.

He's a fucking... You fucking democracy!

I swear to God Almighty, I didn't. I thought I heard voices.

Fuck!

One more move, sweetheart, I'll blow a fucking head off. Then I'll blow his

fucking head off.

I seem to be under the impression that that would concern me. What fucking

concerns me?

Oi!

Put that gun down.

You wouldn't do it.

Put the gun down. You haven't got the bottle, Vincent. Put the gun down, man.

Do you know, a couple of months ago, we were on the edge of a fucking cliff in a

shit, rusty old bus.

And we all nearly died.

And when we got off, we vowed to live our life to the full and not get wrapped

up with fucking psychopaths.

They're trying to shoot us.

No, I am telling you for the last time, put that fucking gun down.

This is my family, Ian.

You're the ones that cheer me up when I'm sad.

You're never going to believe this.

We've already kind of done it.

You're the ones who put a smile on my face when I feel like shit.

I love you, dude.

I love you too, man.

Look after yourself, yeah?

I love you.

I care for you.

You're my dad.

Yeah, I am, yeah.

Right.

I'll see you soon.

Yeah.

Do I do it? Yeah.

Yeah? Yes, I want to do Titanic.

It's quite nice, isn't it?

I'm fine.

We've had a blast, but if you're not ready to say goodbye just yet, relive

shambolic moment.

All of Brassic is waiting to watch On Demand with Skymax.

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