Original subtitles

- ? MTV ?

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

? ?

[birds chirping]

- You two are idiots, so I'm gonna do the whole group

science project by myself.

You just stand there and do nothing.

- Uh, OK.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, nothing is cool. Yeah.

[chuckles]

- I'm demonstrating the effect of rocket payload

on the trajectory of the- - [chuckling]

The rocket is my wiener.

[both chuckling]

- Never mind.

I'm gonna put the model rocket engine in.

And then I attach these wires,

and then I press the button to launch.

- Yeah, and then there's fire.

Yeah.

- Wait.

I have to go inside to get my scientific calculator.

Don't touch anything,

especially the rocket engine.

It could explode and blow your fingers off.

- [chuckles] Let's launch my butt.

Yeah.

- We're gonna science.

[chuckles]

Here we go.

Just tape that on there. [chuckles]

I'll just attach the wires and press the button.

- Oh, yeah.

[chuckling]

My butt's going to space.

[chuckles]

[button clicks]

It didn't launch, Butt-Head.

Maybe we need to tape it to my schlong.

- Oh, yeah. [both chuckling]

That's a good idea.

[chuckling] - Yeah.

Yeah, it's gonna be cool.

[chuckles]

[button clicking]

Damn it.

This sucks.

I think this thing is broken or something.

Doesn't sound like it's broken.

I wonder why it didn't blow off my schl-

[explosion]

Whoa!

Did you hear that?

Something sounded cool.

[chuckles]

- Uh, Beavis,

your ear blew off.

[chuckles]

- [loudly] What?

- I said, your ear blew off.

- What?

- I said, your ear blew off.

- Sorry, Butt-Head, I can't hear you.

My ear blew off.

- [chuckles]

Science is cool.

[chuckles]

- What's that?

- "Meet the man behind the dolls."

And that's-that's kind of me. [laughs]

But Barbie somehow has stayed relevant.

- So are all the Barbies named Barbie?

'Cause they're like-they're all different people and stuff.

I don't understand.

- [chuckles] - Uh,

yeah, there's, like, lawyer Barbie

and Wet n Wild Barbie

and President Barbie. [chuckles]

- Yeah, but, um- but they're all named Barbie?

[chuckles] - Uh, yeah. [chuckles]

They should make a "Your Mom" Barbie,

and she just lays around on the couch all day

with a line of Kens outside her Dreamhouse.

[chuckles]

- Shut up, Butt-Head. Come on.

[chuckles] Yeah, that'd be cool, though.

- There'd be a lot of people in her box,

if you know what I mean. [chuckles]

- Shut up, Butt-Head.

- I think that collecting, right, it's not about amassing.

- Your mom is a collector.

[chuckles] She collects wieners.

[chuckles]

- [chuckles] Shut up, Butt-Head.

- And the "Your Mom" Barbies are not in mint condition.

[chuckles] - Come on. That's enough.

[chuckles]

- It can be found used

at every Saturday morning yard sale.

[chuckles] Laying around, hungover,

no idea where they are. [chuckles]

- Enough, Butt-Head. Come on.

You know what I always wondered, Butt-Head?

Does the Wicked Witch of the West have green boobs?

[chuckles]

- Don't change the subject, Beavis.

[chuckles]

All the Kens would be like, "Hello, Beavis.

I'm Ken, your new stepdad." [chuckles]

You could have dozens of different men

to abandon you.

[chuckles]

- [chuckles]

- The Beavis's mom Barbie Dreamhouse

is just like a mattress and a bottle of tequila.

[chuckles]

- Damn it, Butt-Head.

I'm gonna kick your ass. [chuckles]

- With Beavis's Mom Barbie, all sales are final.

[chuckles] - Damn it, Butt-Head.

- You know, 'cause dudes would just wanna, like,

use her and return her.

- Damn it, Butt-Head!

I'm gonna kick your ass!

[chuckles] - Uh, just one more.

- Shut up, Butt-Head! [grunts]

- Damn it, Beavis!

- [grunting]

- The Beavis's Mom Barbie-

- [grunting]

- Is only $30... [chuckles]

For a half hour.

[crashing, shouting]

- I'm gonna kill you, Butt-Head!

- Uh, where'd your ear go, dumbass?

- Never mind that, Butt-Head!

Where did my ear go?

- It's gotta be somewhere.

Whoa, here it is.

I found it.

- Whoa!

That explosion really messed it up.

- Yeah.

Your ear is disgusting now.

- You know, um, I see a lot of ears like this in the woods.

- That's 'cause there's a lot of dumbasses in the woods

blowing their ears off. [chuckles]

- Hey, you said "blowing off."

[both chuckling]

- Go ahead, and-

[sighs] There you go, Beavis.

Good as new.

[chuckles]

- You know, I think I can actually hear better now!

- OK. - What?

Talk into my good ear!

[chuckles]

Damn it! That sucks!

- Uh, hmm.

That must not be your ear after all.

Let's keep looking.

[chuckles]

- Ah, there it is.

Finally!

- Whoa.

It's all, like, burnt up. [chuckles]

- Cool, yeah. [chuckles]

- Hold still. [chuckles]

[stapler clicks] - [screaming]

- There you go.

All better. [chuckles]

- You guys better not have touched anything.

- Nope. Everything's fine.

Nobody blew my ear off and put it back on.

- What the hell?

What happened to your ear?

- Just a normal ear.

I use it to listen to music, you know, stuff like that.

[rustling]

- Uh, Beavis,

I think your ear is, like, a bug or something.

[chuckles] - What?

Whoa!

My ear is hauling ass.

[splat] - [chuckling]

- We have to find Beavis's ear

and get you out of here before my parents come outside

and freak out. - OK.

- You ought to be able to find it, Beavis,

'cause, like, your other senses are enhanced.

[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah, that's true.

I should try to spank my monkey.

- Don't spank your monkey in my backyard.

- I just blew my ear off, dumbass!

What else am I supposed to do?

- There it is.

- Uh-

oh, yeah.

[chuckling]

I'll just go ahead and glue this back on.

[chuckles]

- Guys, I don't think you can just epoxy it back on.

It needs to be surgically reattached-

- All done!

- Yeah. [chuckles]

- You glued it in the wrong place.

- No, I didn't.

Uh-oh, yeah.

So I did.

[chuckles]

- [grunts] It's stuck on there pretty good.

Oh, well.

- You have to go to the hospital.

Go. Hurry.

- [grumbles] Yeah, yeah.

This sucks.

I got an ear on my forehead,

and I gotta walk to the dumbass hospital.

- Wait a second, Beavis.

I got a better idea.

Let's blow your ear back off with a rocket engine.

Then we can glue it back on the side of your head or something.

[chuckles]

- Whoa, good idea, Butt-Head!

[chuckling, humming]

[rocket firing]

[chuckling]

- What did you do?

- Don't worry, Cody.

We blew the ear off again,

and now we can glue it back on in the right place.

- And also, we blew the ear off again,

and now we can glue it back on in the right place.

See?

- You blew off the wrong ear.

- Uh-oh, yeah.

[chuckles]

- It's on the roof.

- Uh, that sucks.

We should throw something at it to knock it down.

- We could blow my ear off and throw that.

- Oh, good idea.

I'm gonna get a rocket engine.

- No, you can't blow your ears off in my backyard anymore.

- What? That sucks.

- You're a selfish butthole, is what you are.

[chuckles]

- Get out of here.

- Yeah, let's just go home, Butt-Head.

- We learned a lesson here today, Beavis.

Cody sucks.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, and also, you know, we learned a lesson-

that Cody sucks.

- Shut up, dumbass.

[chuckles] - What?

- I said, shut up, dumbass.

- What? - I said, shut up, dumbass.

- What? - I said, shut up, dumbass!

[heavy rock music] - What?

- I said, shut up, dumbass! - What?

[peaceful guitar music]

- Hello.

I'm David van Driessen,

educator and also amateur folk singer.

I'm up here on top of a mountain,

as you can see.

And there's something about that wonderful view

that inspired me to write this song of nature.

OK.

[guitar playing]

? Mountains, they soar above-?

OK, let me just-

[tuning guitar]

Let me just tune this up here.

This one is in open E, so it's very-

This will just take a second.

I'm sorry. Let me just-

? Moun-?

? Mountains ?

? Mountains, mountains ?

Oh, I see, I need to get it higher, just to-

almost there.

[tuning guitar]

Mm.

? Mountains-?

There, just a little.

[tuning guitar]

? Mountains, they soar above-?

Ah!

[screaming]

[thudding, screaming]

[thud, grunting]

[moaning]

[rustling]

Hello?

I was tuning to the wrong octave,

and I snapped a string, which-

oh, no.

[cougar yowling]

[screaming]

[peaceful guitar music]

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

? ?

- [Beavis vocalizing]

[splat]

Oops. [chuckles]

Yeah, it's still good.

[chuckles]

[mouse squeaking]

Damn it! Hey!

[chuckles]

[grunting]

[mouse squeaking]

Hey, come back here, you mouse butthole!

[grunts] I can see you!

I'm gonna kick your-

your mouse ass!

[grunting]

I'm stuck!

Help!

Somebody!

I'm stuck!

Ah!

[grunting]

[sighing] This sucks.

[sighing] Oh, boy.

[chuckles]

[birds chirping]

[owl hooting]

[snoring]

[chuckles] Fire.

[snoring]

[door opening]

- Hey, Beavis, where are you?

You missed work, butthole, and school.

[chuckles]

I haven't seen you in two days.

Uh,

wait a minute.

Maybe he's dead.

[chuckles]

- [weakly] No.

- Uh, what's that noise?

[chuckles]

- Oh, Butt-Head.

Butt-Head.

- Whoa, Beavis?

Are you, like, a ghost or something?

[chuckles]

- Butt-Head!

Help me.

[grunts]

- Uh, are you, like, dead,

and you're haunting our house or something?

- Butt-Head, I don't think I'm dead.

- Damn it, Beavis, you sound like a ghost,

and I can't see you, so you're dead.

[chuckles]

- Butt-Head,

I'm pretty sure I'm, like,

still alive or something.

- Uh, then where are you?

[chuckles]

- I'm, like, in this, like, dark place.

And, um-and I can see a light

at the end of a tunnel. [chuckles]

- That's exactly what dead people say, dumbass.

It's in, like, the movies or the Bible or something.

[chuckles]

- It is?

- Yep.

You're dead, ass wipe.

[chuckles]

- Oh, well, that sucks.

[sighs] Guess I'm dead.

What do you know?

[chuckles]

- Uh, hey,

this couch is in the wrong place.

[chuckles]

[grunts]

[bones cracking, screaming]

- Whoa!

Beavis, that sounded cool, like a real ghost.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks.

[groaning]

- You're a lot cooler now, Beavis.

I'm glad you're dead.

[chuckles]

- Well, that's very nice of you to say.

Yeah, thank you.

[chuckles] Thank you very much.

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

- The presidential fold-

this is the most formal of the pocket square folds.

It's the perfect choice for a job interview,

black tie event, or any occasion that requires a suit.

- What's a suit?

[chuckles]

- Is that that thing they give you

when you have to appear in juvenile court?

[chuckles] - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Your Honor, you see a shoplifter,

but I see a young boy who was failed

by the systems and the societal [slurred] rules

of blah, blah, blah, blah.

[chuckles]

- Your Honor, my client deserves leniency because

of his mental [slurred] health issues

and blah, blah, blah, blah.

[chuckles]

- [chuckles] You said, "you're on her."

[chuckling]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, nice catch, Butt-Head.

[chuckling]

And then when it was done, the judge said,

"Beavis, I'm gonna give you a second chance

to be a productive member of society.

I was like, "Oh, God, how many chances do I have to get?

I already failed."

Let it go. Come on! [chuckles]

How come you guys have a problem with this and I don't?

Yeah. [chuckles]

- And then the judge, like, bangs the gravel.

[chuckling]

- You're on fire today. [chuckles]

- They should have a juvenile court,

but like, for older people.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, well, they probably will,

just as soon as we turn 18.

They're gonna be like, "Oh, we just invented grown-up court."

Yeah. [chuckles]

Now you get more chances.

[chuckles]

- Breaking the cycle sucks.

[chuckles]

- You know, people always say bad things about the cycle.

But don't knock it until you try it.

That's what I think. [chuckles]

- Now, for the best look, I recommend

having about 2 to 2.5 inches of this fold

peeking out of your jacket.

- [chuckles] 2.5 inches.

[chuckling]

- Good hustle, Butt-Head. Yeah.

[chuckles]

- Guys, you are gonna get compliments all night.

- Hey, baby.

You heard about the dead kid?

I used to sit next to him.

Yeah, it's been pretty hard on me.

[chuckles]

"Hard on." [chuckles]

[dramatic sting] - Hey, Butt-Head.

How's it going? - [shivering]

- Ah!

- Quit trying to haunt me, Beavis, you dead butthole.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, sorry.

Turned out I could get out of that dark place

by going backwards.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- So what's it like being a ghost?

[chuckles]

- It's pretty cool, yeah.

Watch me walk through the wall.

Check it out. [thud]

Ah! Damn it.

[grunts] Damn it.

Damn it.

I think the wall's broken. Yeah. [chuckles]

- Yeah.

This house sucks.

[chuckles]

[grunts] - Not my problem anymore.

Being alive sucked.

I never got to do anything cool.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, you never scored,

and now you never will. [chuckles]

- Shut up, Butt-Head. [chuckles]

I can still score with dead chicks, you know.

[chuckles] Like with my ghost schlong or something.

[chuckles]

- Uh-oh, yeah. [chuckles]

I bet there's a lot of dead chicks

at the graveyard.

- Yeah, yeah!

And maybe some 40s that people didn't finish drinking.

[chuckles]

Yeah. Now we're talking, yeah.

[chuckles] Hello, ladies.

[chuckles]

Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-ng.

[chuckling]

[chuckling]

- Um, hey.

Hey, how's it going? Yeah.

I'm new here 'cause I just died.

Maybe you could, like, show me around or something, yeah.

How's it going? [chuckles]

- Whoa, Beavis, check it out.

That must be your funeral.

- Whoa! [chuckles]

- There might be some chicks who need a shoulder to cry on.

[chuckles]

Or maybe a schlong.

[chuckling]

- Whoa. [chuckles]

Everyone at my funeral looks really sad that I'm dead.

[chuckles] Yeah, that's pretty cool.

[chuckles]

Um,

I don't recognize any of these people, Butt-Head.

[chuckles]

- They probably all used to bang your mom.

[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. [chuckles]

- Uh, where is your mom?

Isn't she supposed to be here?

[chuckles]

- Eh, she's probably busy or something, you know.

She doesn't come to a lot of my stuff, you know.

It's cool, yeah.

[chuckles]

- I can't believe he's gone.

- Yeah, me neither.

I mean, it's kind of crazy, you know.

[chuckles]

- He was loved by a lot of people.

- Uh, not that many.

I mean, I never scored.

[chuckles]

- He had a great life.

- Yeah, thank you.

Thank you, drive through.

[chuckles]

- Hey, Beavis.

That chick in the black dress is giving out hugs.

And if I hang around her long enough, I'm gonna get some.

[chuckles]

- Wait a second, Butt-Head.

If this is my funeral, then who's in that coffin?

- Uh-you dumbass,

you're supposed to be in there.

[chuckles] - What?

[chuckles]

- If they open it up and you're not in there,

these people are gonna kick your ass.

[chuckles] - Uh-oh.

OK, OK.

OK, here-here I go, yeah.

[chuckles]

- If we could all gather for the presentation of the flag.

- Hurry up.

[chuckles]

[bugle playing "Taps"]

- [grunting]

Get this.

[groaning]

Um, there's already a guy in here, Butt-Head.

[grunts] Come on.

Come on, get out of there.

This is my funeral.

[grunts] Come on.

[grunting]

There we go.

Scoot over, dumbass.

If any ghost chicks come around, they're here for me.

Yeah. [chuckles]

[door clunks]

Um, what's happening?

Hello?

Must be on my way to the ghost chicks.

[chuckles]

- Oh, well.

See you at home, Beavis.

[chuckling]

[heavy rock music]

? ?

[rock music]

? ?

[chiming noises]

- Chirp.

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