Original subtitles

Once upon a time,

in a magical land called Manhattan,

a young woman fell in love.

Charlotte and Jack locked eyes

at a black-tie benefit -for Epstein/ -Barr.

She chased him through every disease in New York.

They've been officially dating

since retinitis pigmentosa.

Jack was perfect for her.

Architect, philanthropist,

and the sex was amazing.

Late one night,

Jack popped the inevitable question.

-So... -Mm?

What are your fantasies?

Oh, God.

I'd love to own my own gallery,

and maybe a little cottage in Maine.

Well, actually I meant more like

screwing in an airplane bathroom kind of fantasies.

Oh.

The closest Charlotte had ever come

to getting screwed on a plane

was the time she lost all her luggage

on a flight to Palm Beach.

Well, I've always wanted to do it in my parents' bed.

Wild, I like it.

What about you?

You, me, and another woman.

Come on!

I'm serious.

Charlotte, you have no idea how sexy you are,

do you?

The idea of you touching another woman...

God, it makes me hard just thinking about it.

Wow.

Jack wants us to do a threesome!

Of course, he does, every guy does.

Threesomes are huge right now.

They're the blow job of the '90.

What was the blow job of the '80s?

Anal sex.

Any sex, period.

Don't let him pressure you into it.

It's just this guy's cheap ploy

to watch you be a lesbian for a night.

Don't knock it until you've tried it.

I had a threesome once, I think. In college.

I was drunk. I woke up in someone else's bra.

The only way to do a threesome

is to be the guest star.

The guest star?

The girl the couple gets to come in,

screw, and leave.

The pinch hitter.

Exactly. It's perfect.

All the great sex without wondering

what it will do to your relationship.

But you don't have relationships.

Which is why I have great sex.

I've never done a threesome.

Because you have relationships.

Well, I've never done a threesome.

Oh, come on. Of course, you haven't.

You in a threesome? You won't even wear a thong!

Well, Jack thinks I'm sexy.

He's just buttering you up.

First, you start thinking you're hot,

then he brings up the threesome thing, boom!

Suddenly you're kissing another woman while he beats off.

Please.

Just make sure that the other woman

isn't a friend.

Use somebody random.

You know, somebody you meet in a bar or something.

That's romantic.

No, I think that I'd feel safer with a friend,

with someone I could trust, like Carrie.

Oh, gee, I'm flattered.

But um... I'd go with someone who has a little more experience, like Sam.

Well, thanks.

But there is something sexy about a first-timer

like Charlotte.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, great, no, forget about me.

Oh, oh. -Oh, come on.

You know, I'd do it with you guys!

It's like...

It's like picking teams for dodgeball all over again.

Was Samantha right?

Were threesomes the new sexual frontier?

♪ One, two, three True love ♪

No question.

Guys were infatuated with threesomes.

And when I started looking, they were everywhere.

After all,

our lives are built on threesomes.

Fat, low-fat, non-fat, first, business, economy.

Moe, Larry, Curly.

Maybe we were never meant to do it

with only one other person.

Maybe threesomes were the relationship of the future.

Meanwhile, Samantha had been busy

guest starring in a show I like to call

"Sam Does the Married Guy."

I love that you're not my wife.

I love that too.

I mean, that thing you do with your hips,

Ruth won't even get on top.

Ken was 37, a wine importer,

unhappily married to a woman

who designed modular office furniture.

This affair was the most exciting thing

that had happened to him since the '94 Montrachet.

Five hours later, Charlotte's night was just beginning.

She and Jack had just had another fantastic date,

dancing for dyslexia.

So, uh, what do you think of her?

Is she hot?

Jack!

Yeah, you're right.

Maybe she's more your taste.

Stop it.

Have a light?

Sorry, I don't smoke.

That's a shame.

Did you see that?

She was flirting with us.

I think she was flirting with you.

Charlotte, you are such a turn-on.

And you have no idea.

You're giving off this sexual energy all the time.

A vibe like you've got a fire inside of you.

She'd be crazy not to be into you.

Who knows whether it was her vodka or her vibe,

but Charlotte suddenly did feel a little warm.

I think she put her hand on my leg.

So should I ask her to join us?

That night, she had an eye-opening experience.

Charlotte hadn't been that excited

since she tried on her JV cheerleading uniform for the first time.

So what do you think your dream meant?

I'm in the sand box with Charlotte, Sam, and Carrie.

None of them will play with me. Please, it's obvious.

Across town, Miranda was dealing with her own nightmare.

Look, I know it's juvenile, but it bothers me.

I'm attractive, I'm smart, right?

Plenty of people should want me for a threesome.

So you're saying that you're attracted to your girlfriends?

No!

But if your friends won't go down on you,

who will?

Well, that's some dream.

It was so real.

I can't stop thinking about it.

-And I think I enjoyed it. -That's great.

Dreams are a really good way to experiment.

It's like buying a dress and keeping the tags on.

But do you think it means I should do it?

Have a threesome?

Jack says that I have a fire inside me.

You tell him they make a cream for that.

I'm serious!

I don't know. It's your call.

But don't do it just to make Jack happy.

Maybe it would bring us closer.

Sweetie, don't you think it's weird

that you're thinking of sleeping with someone you don't know

to get closer to Jack?

But how well do we ever know the people we sleep with?

That was the thing about Charlotte.

Just when you were about to write her off

as a Park Avenue Pollyanna,

she'd say something so right on,

you'd think she was the Dalai Lama.

Do you think my hair is too shiny today?

And then she'd say something else.

Do you?

But the bigger question remained,

if Charlotte was actually considering a threesome,

who wasn't?

The Village Voice had more ads

looking for threesomes

than it did for small,

rat-infested studios

renting at $1,000 a month.

But who actually answered these ads?

Wall Street honcho seeks two horny gal pals

for an East Hampton fuck-fest at my summer home.

No fatties, please.

Sweet, suburban schoolteacher

seeks two men to fulfill her wildest fantasies.

You be black or Hispanic, I'll be on time.

I need your dick now.

X-Files fanatic twosome

seeks Scully look-alike for abduction fantasy.

Me, gorgeous with big boobs.

You, a couple with class.

Let's experience everything the city has to offer.

I'm into museums, blow jobs, theater,

and golden showers.

I seemed to be the only person in New York

who still believed in the one-on-one relationship.

Mr. Big and I were actually doing sleepovers.

Which one?

This one.

You better be careful,

I could get used to this.

Why is it that putting a tie around a man's neck

is sometimes even sexier than taking it off?

What are you doing for lunch today?

I could maybe swing an hour between meetings.

Oh, no, sorry, I can't.

I have to interview someone.

About what?

Threesomes.

Ever done one?

Sure, who hasn't?

Really?

With who?

My ex-wife.

Suddenly, my column was the last thing on my mind.

You were married?

Yeah, I, uh, thought I told you.

No, no, you didn't.

An ex-wife, that's a new twist.

Yeah, and they had wild sex, threesomes.

We don't have wild sex.

We used to, but now we have sweet sex.

Wild always beats out sweet.

But he's not with her anymore.

Well, probably because they stopped having wild sex.

You know, that's why Ken's fucking me.

His wife won't even give him a blow job.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

He's never gonna leave his wife for you, you know.

They never do.

Thank God. Who needs the trouble?

This is ideal, no muss, no fuss.

Sounds like you're selling toilet bowl cleaner.

Does this color turn you on?

You had to hand it to Miranda, she was determined.

It's a little bit orange.

You know, there's only one thing left to do.

What, leave him before he leaves me?

You kidding?

Check out the ex.

Charlotte was right.

We don't really know the people we sleep with.

After all, what did I really know about Mr. Big?

Except he had an ex-wife named Barbara

who I quickly discovered, worked in publishing.

My plan was simple.

I'd pitch her a steamy, bodice-ripping paperback,

which she'd probably reject,

but at least I'd get five minutes

face-to-face with her.

Carrie?

Come right in, Barbara's ready for you.

Thanks, bye.

Carrie Bradshaw, I am so excited.

Oh. -Sit down.

I am a huge fan of your work!

Good taste and beautiful. Could it get worse?

Whoa.

Special Olympics chairwoman.

Sorry, I haven't hung it yet.

So, I'm dying to hear your pitch.

I never knew you were interested in writing children's books.

Well, who doesn't love children's books?

Five minutes of bodice-ripping material out the window.

So I did what any writer would do.

I pulled an idea out of my ass.

Well, my story is about a little girl,

named Cathy.

Little Cathy.

And what makes little Cathy special?

Well, she's got these magic...

cigarettes.

She has magic cigarettes?

Yes, little Cathy and her magic cigarettes.

And whenever she lights up, she can go anywhere

in the whole wide world. You know, Arabia, New Jersey.

I mean that stuff is all gonna be worked out, of course.

You wanna write a children's book about smoking?

Well, it's a children's book for adults.

You are outrageous. I love it!

I thought you might.

I've been dying to do something with an edge.

This could be great.

It was the last straw.

She was smart, beautiful, and she got me.

I'd have to kill her.

Meanwhile, Samantha was about to have her own

close encounter with the third kind.

-Oh, I'm sorry. -Sorry.

-Ken. -Sam!

You two know each other?

-Sure. -Not really.

Uh, Ruth, this is Sam, Samantha.

She bought some Pinot Noir from me.

Uh, Sam, this is my wife, Ruth.

-Hi. -Hi.

Okay, we should be going, see ya.

That afternoon was a first for Samantha.

She successfully screwed a guy in under two minutes.

The more Miranda analyzed,

the worse her nightmares got.

So, the four of us get into a cab,

only they won't let me sit in back with them.

They make me ride up front with the driver,

who happens to be the original Chris

from The Partridge Family .

What I'm hearing is that you're still very upset

about being sexually rejected by your friends.

Let me ask you something?

Would you do a threesome with me?

I think we need to talk about why you're asking me that.

I take that as a "no"?

That night, I thought I could put the whole Barbara thing

out of my mind.

After all, Mr. Big was with me now.

Nibbling his earlobes?

How sweet.

Let me show you how it's really done.

So I guess you couldn't avoid a threesome,

because even if you're the only person in the bed,

someone has always been there before you.

Hey, what just happened?

Where'd you go?

I was preoccupied.

No kidding. About what?

Your ex-wife's breasts, your ex-wife's lips,

your ex-wife's long legs.

My column.

You know, I didn't tell you I was married

because it was a long time ago.

What happened?

Alienation of affection, followed by divorce.

Hmm.

Let's not talk about the past, please.

What Mr. Big didn't realize was

the past was sleeping right next to me.

Hey.

The next day, the flesh and blood Barbara

asked me to lunch.

-Hi. -Hi.

Thanks for meeting me.

Oh, thanks for inviting me.

Wow, you changed your hair.

Oh, thanks.

Listen, I have some not-great news.

I'm back with Mr. Big?

The head guys didn't go for Little Cathy .

But fuck 'em, they wouldn't know a good book if it bit 'em in the ass.

Yeah, fuck 'em.

I still love the project,

and at the risk of sounding like a groupie,

I'd really like it if we could become friends.

Friends?

Two hours and four Chardonnays later,

I was sleeping with the enemy.

So never been married?

Mm, once. Long time ago.

Really? What happened?

He had a wandering eye.

It wandered right over to my best friend.

So what about you? Are you seeing anyone?

No one special.

For Samantha, the shit was about to hit the phone.

-Hello.

It's over. I told my wife!

Who is this?

It's Ken.

Wait, you told Ruth about us?

I'm in love with you.

Now we can be together.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

-Hang on.

-Hello. -Samantha?

This is Ruth Scheer. Ken's wife.

Yeah, I found your number in his sock drawer.

Hang on.

Listen to me, you love your wife.

No, I'm in love with you!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Sam's no muss, no fuss affair

was starting to feel very mussy.

I'm back.

I don't know who you are,

but Ken and I love each other very much.

Of course you do.

And we have an unshakable bond.

Whatever it takes, I'm gonna keep this marriage together.

Good for you! Now, listen, Ruth, this was a huge mistake.

It didn't mean anything.

It was just sex.

Well, exactly!

And if being sexually adventuresome

will keep this marriage together,

then I am prepared to join you...

with him.

In bed.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Samantha was a guest star.

Series regular was not in her contract.

That night at the Attention Deficit Disorder masked ball,

Charlotte felt free to indulge her fantasy.

It's amazing what some sequins on a stick

can do to free up inhibitions.

So who here is your type?

Do you like peacocks?

Do you?

Then Charlotte did the unthinkable.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, she winked at me.

Excellent.

I need to get out of here.

Hey, you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I think so.

So how'd it feel?

Weird.

Well, I enjoyed it.

I do have another fantasy.

What's that?

Doing it upstairs at a party.

Can I join you?

She realized that this was her moment.

If she was going to take the plunge,

it was now or never.

Unfortunately, it was Jack who plunged first.

Apparently, someone else's fire

was a little stronger than Charlotte's.

She was not the guest star in this fantasy.

Meanwhile, at a bar downtown...

Miranda?

Hi.

What a relief.

Oh!

Most of the women who answered our ad, well,

they were, you know, kind of...

-Butt ugly. -Yeah.

Oh, nothing like you.

Thanks.

We've never done anything like this before.

It's a huge fantasy of Mark's.

I offered to do it for his 30th birthday.

Whatever happened to giving a nice pen?

So are-- are you doing anything tonight?

Let me just be clear here.

You want to do a threesome with me.

Yeah.

You know, if you're busy, we understand.

I tell you what, let me just make a quick phone call, okay?

That night, Miranda finally got her validation.

Her shrink had suggested she come three times a week.

I didn't see Mr. Big for eight days.

Well, that was a great meal.

Yeah, it was.

Actually, the food was terrible

and we were both talking to each other like strangers.

What is wrong?

Look.

You tell me you have an ex-wife,

you tell me you guys had a three-way.

Yes, I asked.

But you drop this big bomb,

and you don't even give me any details.

You don't even tell me why you broke up.

I cheated on her.

Yeah, I know, she told me at lunch.

I know you know. She told me she told you.

-She told you? -She told me.

See that's another thing.

You didn't tell me that you're still talking to her.

I still talk to all my ex-wives.

I'm so not finding that funny.

Oh, come-- Listen, wait a minute.

You know, the reason we had the threesome

is because we were both looking

for something or someone else.

Do you know anyone who's right for me? Mmm?

♪ I know how tricky things can be ♪

♪ But I really do believe that... ♪

And then it was just the two of us.

And I realized the real appeal of the threesome,

it was easy.

It's intimacy that's the bitch.

♪ Listen here ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ Tried to take it slow ♪

♪ Tried to lose control... ♪