All language subtitles for Sex and the City - S01E12 - Oh Come, All Ye Faithful

My friend, Miranda, was dating
Thomas John Anderson,

an up and coming
New York playwright.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

That was wonderful.

Things were going great
except for one thing.

I'll be right back.

Immediately after sex,

he'd hop out of bed
and shower.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Wow!

Be right back.

Night after night,
it was the same thing.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

-I'll be right--
-Yeah.

She decided to confront
Thomas John Anderson

as soon
as he dried off.

So, what's
with the showers?

What do you mean?

You always get up and shower
right after we're done.

I'm starting to
feel like it's me.

Oh, no, no, no,
it's not you.

It's just...

What?

Just a habit I have.

Growing up, the nuns told us
that sex was a sin,

so I just got into the habit
of taking a shower after I...

you know, came.

Oh, the nuns.

Miranda suddenly realized
she was dating "Catholic guy."

So you think
the water serves as

a retro baptism
kind of thing?

Beats me, if I'd known
he was Catholic,

I never would've gone out
with him in the first place.

They should make them
wear a sign.

Single people in New York

rarely ask about their dates'
religious backgrounds

for the same reason
they don't ask

the number of former
sex partners, too scary.

I mean, he's a rational,
logical guy

in every respect
but this.

Clean, you forgot clean.
He's a clean guy.

Leave it to me to find
the only religious guy

still left in Manhattan.

New York is a city
filled with places to worship,

but it recently
dawned on me,

the only time I ever heard
anyone mention going into one

was for
a singles mixer.

Are relationships
the religion of the 90's?

Having been raised
in the church of
"Be nice to people

and don't talk
with your mouth full,"

I decided to check out some more
traditional religious types

in their natural habitat.

As I watched people
leaving church,

I was amazed
at how they looked.

Valentino, Escada,

Oscar de la Renta.

What is it about
God and fashion

that go
so well together?

And suddenly, there he was
wearing Armani on Sunday...

Mr. Big.

I admit it was
kind of a shock.

Up until that moment,
I thought he only
believed in the Yankees.

Well, hello there,
church-goer.

Hey...

What are you
doing here?

Research.

I'm doing a column
on closet Presbyterians.

You know any?

Actually,
I'm an atheist,

but don't tell that
to the minister.

Who's the
mystery woman?

My mother.

I take her to church
every Sunday.

Really?

I'm so loving that.

How come
you never told me?

Well, you write
every Sunday, so...

So, every Sunday... church.

Right.

You know, I've got 20 minutes
before my racquetball game.

Why don't we have
a cup of coffee?

Oh, I can't,
I'm on deadline

and this cappuccino
just kicked in, so...

So?

Bye.

God bless.

It was one of those awkward
relationship moments

where you feel like
you know nothing about

the person you thought
you knew everything about.

He goes to church
with his mother?

-That can't be good.
-Oh, don't listen to her.

A man who cares about his mother
makes a wonderful husband.

I think
it's sweet.

Sure, all religions
are sweet

until you get to that
shower after sex phase.

Oh, my God,
is he still doing that?

Please, it's amazing
he has any skin left.

Well, have you tried
taking a shower with him?

No, I'm afraid he'll
pull out garlic and a cross.

So which church does
his mother go to?

Park Avenue Presbyterian.

Good church.

It's one of the best
on the east side.

What are you
rating churches?

Is there a Zagat guide
for that?

Four stars,
great bread,

disappointing wine selection.

The thing is, I'm dying
to meet his mother.

Can you imagine?

Getting on the good side
of his mother

is like
closing the deal.

Hey, I'm sorry
I'm late.

Well,
it's about time.

I just had a five hour lunch
with James.

Five hour lunches,
I remember those.

Ladies, I have
an announcement.

Please don't laugh.

What?

-I'm in love.
-What?

Samantha uttering
those words to us

was an event
as unfathomable

as Moses
parting the Red Sea.

It all started
a couple of weeks ago

on a particularly
blah Wednesday night.

Samantha decided
to treat herself

to a night
of great music.

I couldn't help but notice
how you move to the music.

It's beautiful.

Well, I love jazz.

That's pretty clear.

Are you
a musician?

Yeah.

Trapped in the body
of a lawyer.

Well,
we won't tell anyone.

May I join you?

Sure.

After they closed
the jazz joint,

they walked
and talked for blocks.

You have to at least
try one of the glazed.

It's a little
bit of heaven.

Mmm, heavenly.

And I never thought
I'd get there.

Why not?

An angel like you?

And then Samantha
did something

rather shocking
for a first date.

She didn't
ask him home.

Thanks, James.

I had
a wonderful time.

Can I see you again?

I'd love that.

And with that one touch,

Samantha, who was never
a believer in relationships,

suddenly became
a convert.

I mean, I'd totally given up
on the idea

that you could
actually talk to men.

Hey, don't
spread that around.

Before James,
all my conversations

consisted of two sentences.

"Give it to me"
and "Go home."

And I owe it
all to Charlotte.

Me?

What did I do?

All that bullshit
you spout

about not sleeping with men
right away actually paid off.

I mean, if I'd fucked
James already,

who knows
where we'd be.

Wait, you haven't
had sex yet?

Soon.

You know,

I think he's someone
I could actually marry.

Samantha,
that's great.

The idea that Samantha

could possibly get married
before she did,

shook Charlotte's
beliefs to the core.

She took some
drastic action.

She made an appointment
to see Noanie Stein,

psychic to the stars,
and a cosmic connection

who lived
in a brownstone

between Central Park West
and Columbus.

Is this you
and Madonna?

Yeah, we go to
the same kabbalah class.

Now...

Pick three cards,

face down
with your left hand.

Charlotte had heard about Noanie
through a sorority sister

whose marriage she had
very accurately predicted.

Okay,

now is there one
question in particular?

Well, no, just...

There is.

When will
I get married?

Ace of wands,
prosperity.

Nine of cups,

strength and independence.

The hanged man,
a new awakening.

You're a strong
independent woman

with great success
in your future,

but I do not
see marriage.

Excuse me?

I don't see it.

What?

I don't
see marriage.

Well,
how can you just...

say that
like that?

I mean, what about
my feelings?

Honey, I'm a psychic,
I'm not a shrink.

So, who is this fabulous
mother in the hat,

and when do I get to go
to church with you two?

You want to
go to church?

You say that like
I'm the Antichrist or something.

No, it's just I never thought
of you

as the church type.

Oh, really?

What type am I?

The incredibly beautiful
and intelligent type.

What religion
are you?

I'm no one religion
in particular.

I'm open to all.

Oh, kind of like
a 7-11?

Come on,

I want to go to church
with you and your mommy.

How about
this Sunday?

Well, it's just
a private little thing

my mother and I do,
just the two of us.

Want to go to
the Caribbean next week?

Sure, I'll go
pack my Jet Ski.

No, I'm serious.

We can both
use a vacation, come on.

The sun, the sand,
you and me.

You waiting on me.
Can you get away?

Yeah, but I can't
afford it.

Well,
I'll tell you what.

I'll buy the tickets,
when we get to St. Barts,

you can buy me
one big margarita.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Wait, I want
to hold you.

I'll be right back.

Stay here a second.

Isn't this nice?
Us together?

Yeah.

Look, I'm just gonna go
jump in the shower

and then boom,
I'm all yours.

There's nothing
sinful about sex.

Oh, oh, really?

Well, thanks
for clearing that up.

And what is that?
The gospel according to Miranda?

What are you gonna tell me next,
that God made the body?

And if God
made the body

and sex is an expression
of that body,

how can anything made by
that God-made body

be considered sin?

Well, yeah.

Oh, it's a miracle,
I'm healed!

You're free to go work
with the lepers now.

I guess this means
I'm not going to hell.

Great news!

Thank you, Miranda.

Thank you for
saving my immortal soul.

In her effort to help,

Miranda had accidentally
detonated some kind of

Catholic guilt bomb.

I'm gonna
go take a shower.

When I come out,

I'd kind of like it
if you weren't here.

You got it.

Six months later,
that exact same speech

would find its way into
Thomas John Anderson's

hit off-Broadway play,
Shower of Shame.

Meanwhile, downtown,

Samantha was
preparing to see God.

I know it's only been
a couple of weeks,

but I love you,
Samantha.

Oh, I love you too.

Oh, honey,
I can't wait any longer.

Just unzip
and get over here.

Okay,
I'm ready.

Put it in.

It is in.

Samantha said a little
prayer that he was kidding.

He wasn't.

Sunday morning,

a time for rest,
a time for relaxation,

a time for spying.

The plan was simple,
just get a look at the mother,

then Miranda and I
would go for eggs.

Look at how
crowded it is.

What a sham.

Will you
lighten up?

It's a Presbyterian church,
not a Catholic one.

Whatever, Catholics,
Episcopalians,

Buddhists,
Shakers, Quakers,

all the same, all designed
to fuck up our sex lives.

Here, pray.

Oh, there they are.

-Where?
-Right there.

As I watched
Mr. Big standing
quietly next to his mother,

tall, proud,
respectful,

I think I fell a little bit
more in love with him.

Let us pray.

We come together this day...

We're out of here.

...to receive your blessings...

...Lord and Savior...

Here they come.

I say we make
a break for it.

No, no, they saw me,
I have to say hello.

I can't just
pray and run.

Oh, there they are.

Okay, go, I'm fine.

Go.

Aren't you the young lady
who made all that noise?

Slippery gloves.

Morning.

-Good morning.
-It's a lovely church.

Yes, isn't it?

Don't you think
it's lovely?

Mother, this is
my friend, Carrie.

I searched her face,

looking for the light
of recognition.

But there was nothing.

Carrie, Carrie.

I'm just gonna go and
say goodbye to the pastor.

It was lovely
meeting you.

"My friend, Carrie"?

You show up at church
after I asked you not to.

What are you trying to do,
test me?

Why all the sudden interest
in meeting my mother?

Well, has the woman
ever even heard of me?

My mother doesn't need
to meet another girlfriend.

Oh.

I didn't mean that--

I mean,

I'll introduce you as
my girlfriend when I'm sure.

Oh.

Look, I have to do things
on my time frame.

Time frame?

We've been going out
for months.

I really don't know
what else to say to you.

We'll get there.

You just have to have
a little faith.

Faith?

Yeah.

Look, in a couple days
we're going on vacation,

we'll have plenty of time
to talk this out.

Right now I've got to get
my mother home, okay?

Well, go.

Just go.

Move over.

I didn't leave.

You didn't
seem fine.

He introduced me to
his mother as a friend.

She never
heard of me.

That isn't
a good sign.

Maybe they're
not that close.

Come on, don't lie,
you're in a church.

I can't
get inside.

I don't know
what else I can do.

Later that night,
in the church of disco,

Stanford invited
everyone he knew

to a party to introduce
a new fragrance...

Fallen Angel.

Hi, Carrie.

Carrie!

Also, he wanted to show
off his new boyfriend, Alanne.

-Hi.
-Isn't this fun?

It's like hell
with a cover charge.

Carrie,
this is Alanne.

Alanne, Carrie.

Hi, nice to meet you
finally.

You, too.

Did I tell you
that Alanne

designed the Fallen Angel bottle?

Yes, congratulations!

Thank you.

Excuse me
for a second.

I just saw someone
I want to say hello to.

So you know
what we did today?

We shopped for
deco cabinet handles

for his armoire.

I turned into one of those
couples we hate,

and I'm loving it!

Stanford and Alanne
worshiped the same God...

style.

So, you all excited
for the big "vacationné"?

Oh, I don't know.

I can't help
feeling like

it's some sort of
consolation prize

for not letting me
in his life.

Well, what is going on
with you two?

We're not
in the greatest place.

What happened?

He wouldn't introduce me
to his mother.

Ouch.

Thanks.

Skipper, hi.

It seems Stanford had invited
everyone in his rolodex.

I, uh, I was hoping
I'd see you here.

I've been totally thinking
about you since we broke up.

You have?

Totally.

You look great.

Thanks.

So do you.

Miranda looked at Skipper,

the months apart had shed
a new light on him.

Actually, they'd shed
a new light

on his shower-free
feelings about sex.

Later that night,

the three of us tracked Samantha
to the ladies room

to get the lowdown
on her love life with James.

Here you are, we've been
looking for you everywhere.

So, how is everything?

She means have
you and James done it yet?

Mm-hmm.

And?

It's nice.

I'm so happy for you.

Sweetie, what-- what?
What is it?

Nothing.

Hey. Hey!

What's going on?
Why are you crying?

James has
a small dick.

Oh, well, it's not
the end of the world.

-It's really small.
-How small?

-Too small.
-Well, size isn't everything.

Three inches?

Well...

-Hard?

Is he
a good kisser?

Oh, who the fuck cares?

His dick is like
a gherkin!

I feel so terrible.

Listen to me,
I'm a bad person.

Don't beat
yourself up.

You had certain expectations
and you're disappointed.

Why?

Why?

Why does he have
to have a small dick?

I really like him.

I thought
you loved him.

Well...

Oh, look,
we've all been there.

That's for sure.

I was once with a guy
the size of one of those

little miniature
golf pencils.

I couldn't tell if he was
trying to fuck me or erase me.

I'm-- I'm sorry, it's just--
it's funny.

Let's not
lose perspective.

There are ways
to work around it.

Well, I don't want to work
around it.

I love a big dick.

I love it
inside of me.

I love looking at it,
I love everything about it.

When I blow him,
it's like...

Nothing.

Nothing.

Can you talk to him
about it?

No.

It's the only thing
we can't talk about.

What am I gonna do?

How is he
with his tongue?

Charlotte left us all behind

telling us she had another
party to go to.

She took a cab
to a part of town

never mentioned in
The New Yorker.

Will I ever
get married?

I call the power
of all the saints.

Saint Lazarus.

Santa Rosa.

Saint Rosa,
send me your guidance.

Send me the truth.

Send me an answer.

No yolk.

What does that mean?

You'll never be married.

You are cursed.

But do not worry,

for the hundred dollars,
we can remove it.

The entire way home,

Charlotte berated herself
for being so foolish.

She simply refused
to give into the idea

that she would
never get married.

-Sorry.
-Sorry.

All she had to do
was keep believing

and it would happen.

It was 3:00 a.m.
in the church of disco,

and Miranda couldn't believe
what she was about to say.

You want to
spend the night?

The night?

The whole night?

Yeah,
the whole night.

I knew we'd
get back together.

You did, huh?

Yup...

Every night I'd light a candle
and say a little prayer.

You're a freak.

Samantha tried
desperately to believe

that love was
stronger than sex.

Why are you crying?

I'm just so happy.

I stayed up all night

questioning
my faith in faith.

I mean, hadn't I had faith
in us all along?

Faith that all
the withholding would stop...

Faith that he'd say,
"I love you."

Let's go!

Hey, hurry,
we're gonna miss the plane.

Wait, wait, wait,
put them down a second.

Just put them down.

Okay.

What?

I need a sign.

I mean, you told me
to have faith, but see, um,

I'm kind of
losing mine, so, so...

I need a sign.

What, like in those
old religious movies,

you want a voice
from above?

Just tell me
I'm the one.

Come on, you don't
have to tell your mother

or the whole world,
just...

Just tell me.

I can't do this.

Carrie, Carrie.

Carrie, just get
in the car, please.

I can't.

I love you, but I can't.

So that's it?

♪ No regrets ♪

♪ Although our love affair
has gone astray ♪

♪ No regrets ♪

After he left,
I cried for a week.

And then I realized
I do have faith...

Faith in myself.

Faith that I would
one day meet someone

who would be sure
that I was the one.

♪ Still in my heart
you'll be ♪

♪ Forever mine ♪

♪ No regrets ♪