All language subtitles for Sex and the City - S01E09 - The Turtle and the Hare

In a city
of perfect people,

no one was more perfect
than Brooke.

She was an interior designer
who only dated A-list guys.

For Brooke,
every Saturday night
was like the senior prom.

So when she got married,

we were all dying to see
which one had made the cut.

Hey!

Was I the only one
who remembered

that Brooke once
described this man

as more boring
than exposed brick?

Molly, thank you so much.

It was your average
$100,000 wedding.

Investment bankers
and the women who hate them,

classmates from Steiner,
Dalton, and Brown.

And us.

We looked like
The Witches of Eastwick .

A wedding this size
always has two singles tables.

We were at the other one.

Hello.

Hi. I'm Bernie Turtletaub,
friend of the groom.

It was The Turtle.

A Manhattan legend
known for two things.

Good investments and bad breath.

God, my feet are killing me.

Here, sit down.
I can't.

This outfit only works
if I'm standing.

Oh, I think it works either way.

You know, I-- I think I'm
at that table over there.

Your friend is gorgeous.

What do I have to do
to get to know her better?

Do you think the pears
in this tart are Bosc
or Bartlett?

Who cares?

Two hours later,
we were bored.

Supplies were dwindling,

and one of our passengers
had jumped ship.

So are we going to stick around
and catch the bouquet?

That is so not going to happen.

Bosc! They've got to be Bosc.

Oh, can you believe
I finally did it?

Mm! You're next!

Bill's got some
great single friends.

It's always better
to marry someone

who loves you more
than you love them.

People are always
telling me things

I don't want to hear.

But this one crossed the line.

Hey. Did I wake you?

Not at all.

Question.

Why do people get married

if they're not in love?

I don't know.

Companionship. Guilt...

Political asylum?

Well, why did you get married?

I was a fool in love.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Hmm. And then,
I was a fool in divorce court.

Yeah, and now,
you're just a fool.

Exactly, which is why
I'm never getting married again.

Suddenly, I had to concentrate
on breathing.

Are you in bed with someone?

No, are you?

Just three slices
of wedding cake.

Are you jealous?

That depends.

What are your plans
for the frosting?

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

I hung up the phone,
wondering...

could I date a man
who would never get married?

Wow! A guy who
doesn't want to get married!
Film at 11:00!

Don't tell me you're
surprised by this.

You know who wants
to get married?

Men who miss their mommies.

Maybe this wasn't
my target audience.

Am I the only one who thinks
this is a major bummer?

What if you spend
five years with him,

and in the end,
you have nothing to show for it?

I wasn't even thinking
about getting married

until he told me
I couldn't think about it.

Now, it's all I can think about.

Oh, just be cool.
You don't care.

Then, he'll wonder
why you don't,

which will make him
realize that he does,

and then it's a whole new
ball game.

So in your world,
it's always sixth grade?

I think that a relationship has
to be based on

honesty and communication

if it has any chance
of succeeding.

Okay, if you were 25,
that would be adorable,

but you're 32 now,
so that's just stupid.

Well, I can't just ignore it,
can I?

Yes!
-No.

What's the big deal?

In 50 years, men are gonna
be obsolete anyway.

I mean, already you
can't talk to them.

You don't need them
to have kids with.

You don't even need
them to have sex with anymore,

as I've just very
pleasantly discovered.

Uh-oh, sounds like somebody
just got their first vibrator.

Not first, ultimate.

And I think I'm in love.

-Oh, please...

Stop! This is so sad!

Come on, I'm not gonna
replace a man

-with some
battery-operated device.
Yes. you say that,

but you haven't met
"The Rabbit."

Oh, come on.
If you're going
to get a vibrator,

at least get one
called "The Horse."

A vibrator does not call
you on your birthday.

A vibrator doesn't
send you flowers the next day.

And you cannot take
a vibrator home

to meet your mother.

Well, I know where
my next orgasm is coming from.

Who here can say as much?

That night,
Samantha went on a date

with a flesh and blood man,

while the three of us
went in search of

furrier companionship.

Ladies, I'd like you
to meet "The Rabbit."

$92?

Please! Think about the money
we spend on shoes.

Well, I have no intention
of using that.

I'm saving sex
for someone I love.

Fantastic, is there
a man in the picture?

Look!

Oh, it's so cute.

Oh, I thought it would be all
scary and weird, but it isn't.

It's-- it's pink for girls.

And look, the little bunny,
and his little face!

Like Peter Rabbit.

Yeah, and it's even got
a remote.

I mean, how lazy
do you have to be?

Later that night,
back at the briar patch...

Oh, wow.

-Hello.

You are not going to believe
the evening I have had.

Are you listening to me?

Yeah.

Jerry, who Samantha met
at Brooke's wedding,

took her to Lava,
New York's restaurant du jour.

From the moment
I saw you at that wedding,

I knew we'd be having
dinner together.

Well, aren't you cocky?

I'm the kind of guy,
I see something,

I like it,

I go after it.

You sound like my kind of guy.

Hold that thought.
I'll be right back.

Okay.

Ten minutes and a couple
of cocktails later...

Where the hell is he?

Excuse me.

He obviously had seen
something else he liked

and gone after it.

Then, just when
she thought her evening

couldn't get any worse...

Samantha?
Hey, Samantha!

It's me.

Bernie Turtletaub,
from the wedding.

Oh, right.

Are you here
all by yourself?

Uh, well, sort of. I'm...

Well, sit down. Join me!

God, you look great.

What Samantha needed
now more than anything

was a compliment from anyone.

I can't believe
the synchronicity.

I was just thinking about you!

Uh-huh.

So... do you like this shirt?

My ex-girlfriend
picked it out for me.

Honey, no offense,
but you're breath...

I know.

It's these Chinese
herbs I'm taking.

You know, for longer life.

Well, with breath like that

you're gonna live
a very long life, alone.

I killed the last woman
who talked to me like that.

Samantha was impressed.

The Turtle had attempted a joke.

This is from Parma.

You know, a lot of people can't
tell the difference

between prosciutto and bresaola.

Once we get
the breath under control,

I'm going to take him shopping
for a whole new wardrobe.

He's a cute little fixer-upper.

Sweetheart, he's a man,
not a brownstone.

Honey, when I'm
through with him,

he'll be Gracie Mansion!

Samantha
and The Turtle?

But then again,
I'm dating a man
who will never get married,

and Miranda is having
a meaningful relationship

with something that comes
in a box from Japan.

In a city of great expectations,

is it time to settle
for what you can get?

I needed some answers.

Later that week, I met Brooke.

Just back from her honeymoon,
she was all business.

The business of marriage.

Yes, I'd like to return these.

Is there any way
you can melt them down

into one decent gift?

His friends.

So... how is it being married?

Oh, it's fabulous.

I feel like an enormous
weight has been lifted.

And that's a good thing.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, just, um...

I mean, just means you're,
you're--

I meant you're happy
with Allen, right?

Yes, I'm happy!

Well, then, I'm happy for you.

Hey, listen, um...

I hope I didn't give
you the wrong idea.

I-- I think Allen's great.

I just, I mean,
he's incredibly successful--

Look, we all think
we're Carolyn Bessette.

One day John-John's
out of the picture

and we're happy
just to have some guy

who can throw around a Frisbee.

Oh! Well, look who's here.
Hey, you two!

Hey!

-Oh, my God!
-What a small world!

I couldn't believe it.

It was The Turtle,
wearing Helmut Lang.

Wow, he looks great.

Doesn't he?

Oh. Oh.

Oh, he twirls.

What do you think?

Fabulous.

He's like a whole new person.

-Don't I have a three o'clock?
-Oh, that's right.

I'm taking him to Bliss
for a facial.

-Oh, enjoy.
-See you later.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Oh, you know, I have to run too.

-Oh.
-I'll call you.

Okay.

Smart girl.
She seems happy.

Samantha left
with The Turtle.

Brooke left with a better gift.

And I left wondering

if everyone in Manhattan
was settling.

My Zen teacher once told me

that there was nothing like yoga
to quiet a busy mind.

Just as I had reached
the moment of no thought...

I think I broke my vagina.

Oh, Char, am I pulling too hard?

No, metaphorically I mean,
with the Rabbit.

Oh, so you've been using it?

Yes, and I'm scared
if I keep using it,

I'll never be able
to enjoy sex with a man again.

Why?

Well, have you ever
been with a man,

you know, and he's, like,
he's doing everything,
and it feels good.

But somehow you,
you just can't manage to, um...

-Cum?
-Shh. Yeah.

Well, it's weird,
'cause with the Rabbit,

it's like every time, boom!

And one time, I came for like,
five minutes.

Well, Charlotte, honey,
it's not illegal.

Yeah, but no man ever did that.

I mean I'm scared.
What am I gonna do?

Well, you know, you could still
enjoy sex with the man

and the Rabbit.

No, no, no, I am done with it.

That's it.
I am never gonna
touch that thing again.

Oh...

Oh, um, uh, I've got to cancel
on the ballet tonight.

Oh. Why?

Oh, I'm, uh, expecting a, uh,
a phone call...

a long-distance phone call.
Transatlantic.

Charlotte could never
tell a decent lie.

I knew an addict when I saw one.

Oh, God I love Sleeping Beauty !

The music, the sets,
the costumes!

It's so romantic!

You only like it because
she gets to sleep

for 100 years
and she doesn't age.

I invited Stanford
to the ballet.

I knew he was available.

Hey, Stanford, cute, huh?

I've had it
with the whole gay scene.

It's so competitive.

You won't believe
what happened to me last week.

Evidently, Stanford,
tired of bars and blind dates,

decided to place a personal ad.

He scheduled a rendezvous
with the only respondent

on a cold, Sunday afternoon.

Twenty minutes
and three false alarms later,

Stanford was ready
to call it quits.

Stanford?

Yes.

Sorry, this is not gonna happen.

It's so brutal
out there.

Even guys like me
don't want guys like me.

I just don't have that gay look.

I don't know,
you look pretty gay to me.

Come on,
maybe it's just a phase.

Puberty is a phase.

Fifteen years of rejection
is a lifestyle.

I mean, sometimes I think
I should just marry a woman

and get all the money.

What, is there a cash prize?

Oh, yeah. My grandmother
gives everyone in the family

their inheritance
when they get married.

She doesn't know you're gay?

She doesn't believe in gay.

Oh, really? That's funny.

Big doesn't believe in marriage.

Maybe you should propose to me,

and we'll all live
happily ever after.

You really do want it all.

I don't know.
Maybe nobody gets it all.

Though, you do have a point.

We're best friends.

We make each other laugh.

We both sleep with men!

You know, this is not
a bad idea at all.

Well, actually, I was kidding.

I'm not! Think about it.

Who else will keep you
in expensive shoes

and encourage you to cheat?

Now you're talking!

Friday night at the ballet

with a man who shared my passion
for hot men in tights.

Saturday afternoon
in bed with a man

who shared my passion
for passion.

Maybe there was such a thing
as having it all.

What's that smile about?

Oh, I got a marriage
proposal last night.

Really?

-Mm.
-From whom?

A very handsome,
witty, young man

about to come into
his inheritance.

Oh, I see.

Anyone I know?

Actually his name is Stanford,

Stanford Blatch.

I thought he was gay.

He is.

That should make for
an interesting column.

What are you going
to do about sex?

I have you.

Oh.

I guess you've got it
all figured out,

Mrs. Blatch.

The more he mocked me,

the more convinced I became

that this idea was genius.

That night,
Miranda and I had plans

to join Charlotte
for a gallery opening

in Chelsea when--

-Hello.
Carrie,
it's Charlotte.

Oh, I'm really sorry,
but I'm gonna have to cancel.

Yeah, I'm totally wiped out.

Uh-huh.

Wiped out.

That was "Charlotte speak" for

"I'm spending the night
with my vibrator."

But you guys have fun, though.

There was only
one thing to do.

A Rabbit intervention.

Come on, let's go.

Okay, where is it?

What are you talking about?

The Rabbit, Charlotte,
give us the Rabbit.

Hey, hey, hey,
it's a vibrator!

It's not like it's crack.

No!

Oh, Charlotte,
you hid the Rabbit

behind a stuffed rabbit?

That is so you.

You guys have a lot
of nerve coming in here.

You're the one who
made me get it.

I thought you could handle it.

It's no big deal.

I'd just rather stay home
with the Rabbit

than go out and deal with men.

All right. You're right.

I'll go get dressed.

With a little help
from her friends,

Charlotte decided that

she wasn't going
to settle for herself.

While Samantha was doing
everything in her power

to remake The Turtle

into a man she could
fall in love with.

How's your dinner?

It's questionable.

I can't figure out whether
the mushrooms in this sauce

are shiitake or chanterelle.

They're definitely not porcini.

Maybe they're wood ear.

Maybe it doesn't matter.

My God, they're trompettes!

It was then
that Samantha realized

that even with all her effort,

he was still just
The Turtle in black.

You know...
I'm not feeling very well.

I think I'm going to have
to send myself home.

I'll call you.

Excuse me.

Do you like this shirt?

My ex-girlfriend picked it out.

After 12 phone calls
and three e-mails,

Stanford badgered me
into at least meeting
his grandmother.

I love that suit you're wearing.

Designed by Coco Chanel herself.

Seriously?

Oh, Grandmother's been
wearing that same suit

for 40 years.

And it still fits.

-It never goes out of style.
-Never.

I have it in blue, black, pink.

And eggshell!

Exactly.

Stanford tells me
you're a writer.

Yes, I have a column
in The Star .

I was a career woman
many, many years ago.

But I gave it up
to have children.

Oh, wow!

Is this you?

Not a bad looking girl.
Don't you think?

No.

Doesn't she look exactly
like Deborah Kerr

in An Affair to Remember ?

She does.

Oh, my God!

This has to be Stanford.

-You're the same person!
-Okay, that's enough.

Oh, come on, this is fun.

I had no idea
you had such a big family.

And how about you, honey?

Do you want a family?

As I looked around
at all the memorabilia

and family photographs,

the faces of brides and grooms,

children and grandchildren,

I realized...

-Yes, I do.

Uh, Stanny, be a dear.

Go in the kitchen
and get me some matches.

Of course.

I love my Stanford.

He's a very sweet boy.

But you know, he is a fruit.

I realized then
that the only inheritance
Stanford was going to get

from his grandmother
was her collection
of Chanel suits.

Salt... yeah.

That night at dinner,
I knew I would have
to break the news to Mr. Big.

What do you think?

Look, I do want
to get married someday.

I mean, maybe not today,
but I just-- I don't want to--

I can't date somebody
that won't.

You know, what's the point?

Definitely too much salt.

I mean, it's all
in the timing.

You gotta brown the garlic

before you put in the onions.

Know what I mean?

I thought we were having fun.

It's bitter,

but definitely
has possibilities.

You got a little bit
of sauce on the lip right...

there.

My Zen teacher
also said

the only way to true happiness

is to live in the moment

and not worry about the future.

Of course, he died
penniless and single.