Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Yeah! Hello.

Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks, the show that says,

"Do you like music? Do you like comedy?

Well, you've come to the right place. That's so cool.

This is a comedy show about music."

♪ Fly me to the moon...

♪ Let me play among the stars ♪

Joining Jamali on Noel's team tonight...

♪ You said you don't get cold You liar

A platinum-selling singer who had to delay "Ghost of You"

because the Queen had died.

Here's hoping that her new single

"Nigel Farage Gets Banged By a Donkey" also has to be postponed.

It's the brilliant Mimi Webb!

And on Sophie's team tonight,

a colossus of entertainment, sell-out stand-up tours,

a character actor, a panel show behemoth,

and simultaneously a little old Northern man

who thinks it's reet cold outside.

It's Jon Richardson!

And also on Sophie's team...

A rapper who proves you don't have to be an American hip-hop star

to make a point, and I quote him,

"I've got so many clothes I keep some at my aunt's house."

Yeah, Snoop Dogg, where do you keep your trousers?

Big Yellow storage, you pussy?

It's Tinie Tempah!

Welcome. I say Tinie Tempah, I hear you lost your "Tempah' in 2020.

So, In 2020, I let go of the "Tempah" cos I wanted to

try and steal some of your jobs in the whole TV space,

and I just felt like I needed

a separation between my music and the stuff that you guys do.

Yeah. It's an intriguing decision. - You had seven number ones. - Yeah.

The only rapper from the UK to have seven number ones in this country.

- Absolutely, yeah. - And then you made the obvious next career move.

You decided to host - a show about house extensions. - Yeah.

I like houses, guys, I like houses.

I mean, I'm just fascinated how you - made the jump. - Houses are cool, man.

More interestingly, Kevin McCloud's going the other way.

Got a rap album out next year. There we go.

Trading places, trading places.

You are the only person I've ever met

who could make a jump to house extensions seem cool.

There you go. Watch what I do next, Greg.

Gonna get into tarmacking? Mate, anything can happen.

Jon, welcome. Thank you.

I have had my researchers uncovering stuff that I never would've dreamt.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jon is a massive fan of musicals. Nice.

Yeah, you weren't expecting that, were you?

Thought you were gonna... I wasn't.

...make me look quite the tool. It turns out everyone loves musicals.

Did you go and see Cats on your own, - Jon? - No.

Jon, according to my research, you went four times on your own.

I did go four times. I think that's sad enough.

- Alone? - No, I didn't go on my own. I went with four different friends.

Who are those friends?

You wouldn't know them, they go to a different school.

Mimi's here. Hello, Mimi. Hello.

Hi.

You have opened for the Jonas Brothers... Yeah.

...Tate McRae, and Benson Boone. Yeah.

Pretty impressive.

Shag, marry, kill?

Oh... shag Benson Boone. Tick.

- We're on the same page. - I'd marry both Jonas Brothers and Tate McRae.

Lovely. I couldn't kill anyone.

Don't kill anyone? OK. I'd kill the Jonas Brothers. Right.

How?

Yeah, what would you do? One punch, back of the head.

Bam, bam.

One left, one right. No more brothers.

I've never seen Jamali laugh so hard at anything.

Sorry, these are your colleagues. I'm so sorry.

These are like my brothers, guys.

Yeah, they're really nice guys. And I won't, in front of you,

kill them both with a single blow to the back of the head.

Cos you're so tall, you could pick them up

and do whatever you wanted with them.

Yes, and what I want to do is kill them.

One of your big hits is "Red Flags".

Yeah. I like red flags as a topic.

I like red flags. All done a bit of dating lately?

- Got red flags? - Yeah. All my red flags are really deep, dark things

that I wrote the song about.

I think it's a luxury you have in - your, like, 20s and early 30s. - Yeah.

By your late 30s, you're like, "Fuck it, I'll have any flag."

I've got a whole gazebo with my partner.

- Anyone else got any? - I dated a girl who didn't want her arse ate.

I was like, "What are you hiding?" She didn't want...

She didn't want her arse ate, and I'm like, "What are you hiding?"Ah.

Arse ate?

Jamali, I did not see that one coming from you.

I thought I'd throw it out there. I thought you were a nice boy.

Yeah, I dunno. I thought... OK, let's crack. Ooh.

Let's big chewy bum crack on with the show.

Let's seriously get down and eat some bum.

Alright, here we go.

Who's hungry?

Let's crack on with the show.

The first question is for Sophie's - team. Take a look at this. - Right.

♪ If I could turn back time

♪ If I could find a way

♪ I'd take back all the words that've hurt you

♪ And you'd stay... ♪

That was Noel Fielding in the year 2076, Cher.

Sophie's team, can you tell me which of these weird encounters

at a celebrity's house did Cher write about in her autobiography?

Was it A...

Or was it B?

Or was it C?

Incredibly, Sophie's team, one of those is true.

Salvador Dali was a watcher, so he could have orgies.

I know that, it was in a documentary.

He didn't like to do much himself, but he'd watch other people.

I'm like that with DIY. Yeah, yeah.

And also, I can imagine he would have a decorative rubber fish.

Do you think that fish is one of - those Billy Bass fish? - It could be.

Would Cher...

Would Cher put a Billy Bass against her privates?

I don't think it's got the strength in the fin to stimulate a clitoris.

It'd be distracting. Every five seconds

he's scared and it goes, "Hit the road, Jack."

It's like — it's like...

Bette Midler and Cher are mates, so that's possible.

But why jump over Danny DeVito?

What point are you trying to make? Well, he's very small.

- I know. - It's a joke about him being small, Tinie, that's all it is.

- It's a bit cheap. - People find it amusing to belittle talented men.

Oh, my God, I'd love to jump over you as well.

You better have a bloody good point to make.

What about number one then?

- That's where I'm leading to. - I don't like that in Rod. I'm gonna say no.

You know who Cher's going out with? Who?

She's 80 years of age, Cher, and she has a 39-year-old boyfriend.

Have a look. There he is. I say all power to Cher.

So many male rockers have much younger girlfriends.

Although my auntie is the same age as Cher,

and things change when you pop a picture of her in.

Have a look.

Very different story, innit?

Jamali? Yo.

Would you be up for dating a woman - in her mid-70s? - A hundred per cent.

You know she got bare Werther's Originals ready to go.

Mortgage is nearly paid up. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, man.

I presume you won't be indulging in your favourite sexual pastime.

Anyway, none of this is gonna help you decide the answer.

- Have you decided? - I'd say B. What are your thoughts?

I think B. That's a good story.

Cool, let's go with B then. Yeah? B.

That's wild, but let's do it. Locked in?

Locked in. You are...

right, the answer's B!

High five, high five. Well done.

Cher found a weird fish vibrator at Salvador Dali's house.

She told him it was beautiful, and he replied,

"It feels wonderful when you put it on your clitoris,"

which eventually led to Dali's famous masterpiece,

"Melting Fish on Cher's Growler".

Well done, Sophie's team, that's a point to you!

This question is for Noel's team.

It's all about pop superstars posing as other people.

Take a look at this. ♪ Change

♪ I'm starting with the man in the mirror

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ I'm asking him to change his ways... ♪

♪ You make me feel like I'm livin' a

♪ Teenage dream, the way you turn me on

♪ I can't help feeling

♪ We could've had it all

♪ Rolling in the deep... ♪

That was Katy Perry, Michael Jackson,

and the singer who when she scratches always has a sniff, Adele.

But Noel's team, can you tell me

which of these pop legends once pretended to be someone else?

Was it A...

When Russell got annoyed,

Jackson would giggle and say, "It's only Michael," and hang up.

And that's just one of a few naughty things

that Michael Jackson did in his life.

Or was it B...

...but deep down I know that I've done a guff

in front of the greatest actress of all time."

Or was it C...

There you go.

Think Michael Jackson used to ring Russell Crowe and say,

"It's only Michael"? I don't know, it's...

I get the impression none of you want to talk about Michael Jackson.

I think it could be B.

I rest my case. No, I feel like it would be like

meat that's sold - out of the back of a van. - Yeah.

Good quality East End meat. Yes.

Katy Perry, is she likely to be doing an Elvis impression?

I hope not. That would be jarring. I hear she's quite funny.

Have you met her? I've never met her.

No, not you, obviously. I'm talking to Mimi.

Mimi, have you met Katy Perry?

I haven't met... No, but could see her doing that. I dunno why.

Let me give you some facts to help. According to people who knew him,

Michael Jackson had a mischievous sense of humour,

and enjoyed playing practical jokes

like hiding fake spiders and wearing false moustaches.

There was also that time he dangled a baby out of a high-rise window.

And let's not forget the big one...

Hello? I wasn't going to.

Let's talk about Cockney minicab dispatcher

with the voice of an angel, Adele.

In 2012, Adele revealed that she often plants fake stories

amongst friends to see which ones end up in the press,

and then gets rid of the friend that told that story.

That's exactly the same reason I got rid of my mate Dave.

Look what he leaked.

This is the best fact about Katy Perry.

Katy Perry was once in a legal battle with two nuns,

when she tried to buy a convent. This is genuinely true.

One of the nuns died during the legal proceedings,

and wait till you hear the last words that she said before she died.

What?

Was Katy Perry holding a pillow at the time?

What do you reckon? Let's lock it in.

You both think it's A? Or maybe C.

I don't know... Yeah, I say Michael Jackson.

Shall we go for Jacko? Yeah.

Alright. The answer is...

A! You're right, it was Michael Jackson!

Michael Jackson used to prank call Russell Crowe.

Russell was worried to tell people about the calls

in case they thought he was insane.

Well done, Noel's team. One point. We're off!

At the end of that round, both teams have one point!

I'm gonna let Jon take us to the adverts.

Just pop this on for me. Oh. OK.

Off you go.

Welcome back to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Alright, next up is the intros round.

Jamali and Mimi, on your feet. You'll be performing a song to Noel.

Remember, it's the title of the song we're looking for.

Take it away.

Good, good.

That's not how it went, but, yeah. No, no, it's good, it's good.

In the club.

Now the show's taking off. - Noel Fielding. - No fucking clue.

No!

Pretty good! Is it (IMITATES THEM)?

It is, yeah.

Is it Elton John? Yes.

Oh. Just give me a song title. You're still in the game.

Saturday Night's...? No. I'll pass it over.

- Oh, fuck! - Crocodile Rock. It is Crocodile Rock!

It was Elton John with Crocodile Rock,

and here's how it should've sounded.

That was Elton John with Crocodile Rock.

When quizzed about the meaning of the song in 1970,

he said, "Better talk to Bernie about that.

I'm just in charge of plinky plonkies."

Next song, please. Do you want me to do the first bit?

No, I can do it. You sure?

I know it already. ♪ De de de de de

♪ De de de

It's... ♪ De de de de de-e-e

# Dum dum ♪

That was quite good.

♪ I see a red... ♪ Yeah.

Paint It Black. Is right!

The Rolling Stones, Paint It Black. Let's hear how it should've sounded.

That was The Rolling Stones and Paint It Black.

Keith Richards once said, "Give me a guitar, a piano,

a broom and string. I wouldn't get bored anywhere."

The passenger next to him on the plane

leaned over to the air steward and said,

"Please don't give him the broom. He's off his face on temazepam.

He wants to show me how Michael Hutchence died."

Well done, Noel's team, you guessed one right!

Jon and Tinie, it's your turn to perform to Sophie,

so on your feet, please.

Alright, here we go. Song one, off we go.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Good.

♪ Doo doo-doo-doo dooo... ♪

It is good.

I think you should be more emphatic. Yeah, it's really good.

That's good. Believe in it. Believe in it.

♪ Doo doo-doo-doo dooo... ♪

I can hear it, but I can't... That's so good.

I just sound like I'm Northern and, like, really enjoying myself.

♪ Hoo hoo-hoo-hoo hoo ♪

I don't know. Oh, come on.

Shall we pass it over?

It's Gorillaz, Clint Eastwood. Is right!

It was Clint Eastwood by the Gorillaz.

Here's how it should've sounded.

♪ Ho ho ho ho hoo-hoo ♪

That was Gorillaz and Clint Eastwood,

a lovely tribute to the 95-year-old.

Not that he needs any more good news.

Won the world's longest ball bag for the eighth year running.

Greg, you came second. Runner up.

Next one, please.

Is that a banjo or a guitar?

It's a guitar, but I'm very big, so I make it look like a banjo.

♪ Bom bom bom bom-bom

Faith, George Michael. Is incorrect.

Oh.

Let's have a bit more of it.

- What's next? - It's the intro, we just do the intro, yeah.

♪ Bom bom bom bom-bom

♪ Bom bom bom... ♪

No. I'm gonna pass it over.

Oh, is it them... It's them three white boys, yeah,

and it's like... Bee Gees!

Not Bee Gees, the other...

They're brothers... Hanson.

Oh. The Hanson. Yeah, is it the Hanson... Is it MMMBop?

It is not MMMBop.

I'll tell you. You're both wrong.

It was the Scissor Sisters, I Don't Feel Like Dancing.

Here's how it should've sounded.

The Scissor Sisters, I Don't Feel Like Dancing.

The song was cowritten by none other than Sir Elton John,

who never feels like dancing.

He doesn't get paid unless he comes up

every time I press it.

Bad luck, Sophie's team. You guessed - none correct. - I'm sorry.

I feel like I let you down.

Oh, you did well. I'm sorry I let you down.

At the end of that, Sophie's team have two

but Noel's team are in the lead with three points!

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

It's time for C'est la Vie-deo.

I'll read a brief description of iconic videos.

All you have to do is to tell me what video I'm describing.

Name the song for me.

Sophie's team, you're up first, - so get ready. - Right, OK. Come on.

A saucy flight attendant spills a drink on a man's lap

and then writhes around in a diamond leotard.

Britney Spears, Toxic. - Correct. - Well done.

Nasal woman has emotional breakdown

and hugs construction equipment in the buff.

Wrecking Ball. Wrecking Ball. Yeah. Correct, Miley Cyrus.

Woman falls into comic book, falls in love with drawing,

and gets into a scrap, before dragging her boyfriend

back to the mortal realm.

It's not Take On Me... Take On Me?

It is Take On Me, by A-ha.

Two horny women move through a colourful sexy mansion

full of snakes, big cats, and a shallow pool.

The Proclaimers...

Oh, oh! Cardi B and WAP.

- That's right. - Megan Thee Stallion, - well done. - Being horny together.

Small Australian dances robotically while wearing white bedsheets.

Kylie Minogue, la-la-la-la-la... What's the song called?

Can't Get You Out of My Head. Correct.

That was good.

High five.

Well, well done, Sophie's team. You got five right!

Very good. OK, Noel's team, it's your turn now.

Are you ready? Three women in black leotards perform synchronised dance.

One of them has a robot hand.

I dunno. Beyonce, Single Ladies.

Man being assessed by a scientist in a lab

hangs upside down from gym equipment

and wishes you well on your - birthday. - In Da Club, 50 Cent.

In Da Club, 50 Cent.

Cockney woman makes intense phone calls,

kneeling at pond from old house.

Oh, is that...

Don't look at me, I dunno. - Is that Adele, Hello? - It is!

Boring man visits beach in terrible weather

whilst singing about a colour.

Yellow. Yellow, correct, by Coldplay.

Korean man wears tuxedo and dances like horse.

Oh, Gangnam Style.

Gangnam Style, PSY. Outside a theatre...

Time's up. Well done, Noel's team, you scored four points!

At the end of that round, both teams have seven points.

Right, let's have some adverts. Or as Tom Jones says,

"Let's suckle the rock-hard teat of capitalism. Hoo!'

Welcome back to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

It's time now for the ID Parade,

where our panel must identify a band from yesteryear.

Sophie's team, here's your line-up. Those at home, take a look at this.

♪ I can get a record player and a generator

♪ Generate the music that makes you feel better

♪ I can get a record player and a generator

♪ Generate the music that makes you feel better... ♪

Lovely.

That was The Holloways with the ludicrously catchy Generator,

but can you tell me which two members of our line-up

are Alfie and Bryn from the band?

Is it number one, The Holloways.

Number two, this is the captain, seats up, lock trays.

Is it number three, lovely bush of pubes, plucks out the greys.

Is it number four, I went to Hampton Court, I got lost in the maze.

Or is it number five, I only see my kids on Sundays.

There you go, Sophie's team.

For some reason, number three gives me energy like he was in a band.

Does he? I don't know why I sound so shocked.

That's what I was thinking. I'm not getting that.

No.3 looks like he's trying to stand up straight on a hill.

I was thinking that, yes.

I'll sing it, and see if they can't help but bop along

or look furious at what I'm doing to their song.

Go on. Please.

♪ I can get a record player and a generator

♪ Generate the music... ♪ No.5, he's giving away a clue there.

And he is dressed like 2005, isn't he?

Number two's just thinking back to when he was on Robot Wars.

Yeah.

Happier times.

There's a craft beer energy to the whole line-up, I think.

I want to say No.2 but he's got a T-shirt that says "London' on it

as if he's really excited to have come here.

I think we've all ruled two out. I think it is two.

What about No.1? A distinctive look. I think one's in there.

I think one's in a band, but it's not The Holloways.

Yeah, he looks too cool, actually.

They were a cool band. I've hung out with them. I know who it is.

You know who it is?

I've got some great clues for you.

Alfie can speak German and he lives in Austria.

Is it sunny in Austria?

Four's got a tan. Can be.

I don't think you should base your answer on the Austrian weather.

Great news, everyone. Bryn is scared of moths.

Right.

Who's scared of moths? Moth!

What are you thinking? He says two and five, I'm sure about five.

I'm thinking one and five. I'm thinking one and five.

One and five aren't in - the same band. - Are they not?

Lock it in, Soph. Go with your gut.

Definitely five. He's locked in.

And we're gonna go... Definitely - not one? - I'm not having one.

I'm going one. I think one. Right, you're saying one and five.

Will the real Bryn and Alfie from The Holloways please step forwards?

Yeah!

I'm so sorry. Sorry.

So close, but so far, and ultimately you were wrong.

Welcome, thank you for joining us. How are you? You alright?

That's so hard not to laugh. Oh, my God.

Well, you didn't not laugh. No, I know, and I knew I wouldn't.

Still playing? Still playing?

We've started gigging again

and we're touring again this year and... Amazing.

It is our line-up, including the mighty Holloways!

Noel's team, your turn.

For the audience at home, take a look.

♪ I'll bring you flowers in the pouring rain

♪ Living without you is driving me insane

♪ I'll bring you flowers I'll make your day

♪ The tears you cry, I'll dry them all away, away ♪

Sweet Female Attitude, with Flowers,

but, Noel's team, which of our line-up

is singer Leanne Brown from the double act?

Is it Sweet Female Attitude,

said you look nice but it's a platitude,

would never do a fart, that would be rude,

doesn't like a scarf, rocks a snood,

always in PJs, never sleeps nude.

She's there somewhere. Leanne Brown.

Gotta remember, it's the garage era, it's classy.

What about No.5? She looks classy.

She looks like her husband's a footballer, but he's League One.

Number three's got quite a rock and roll stance.

I think number three's got sass. Yeah, sass.

I think the sass is - all in number two. - Yeah.

She's got a burner account to stalk her ex, by the look of it.

I like... No.1's got one hand in her pocket,

and one... I quite like that stance. That's quite bold.

She's gonna pull her hand out and it's a really small hand.

Four's just... four's vibing. Four is vibing.

OK, come on, Mimi. You're a singer.

I think I know who it is. I just have a feeling.

You have a feeling? I think it's No.5.

And why do you think it's No.5? It's not No5.

She's just, like... She looks legendary.

Oh, my God, the science of it.

Have they been asked to stand like that,

or is that their natural stances, Greg?

Two's also now, like, - I love this position. - Yeah.

She looks like a superhero. "I Just Keyed Your Car Woman'.

Hey, I'll tell you what you need. You need some great facts.

Leanne's allergic to cats, dogs, wheat, grass, and pollen,

so we're looking for a weak woman.

So, it might be No.1, and her hand got swollen

cos she stroked a cat before she got here, so she's trying to hide.

Hide her massive hand. You thought it was a small hand though.

It's a massive fucking hand. It's a big hand.

I think it's No.2, you know.

Yeah, it could be No.2, or No.5. It's not five. I think two or three.

Mimi? Your money's on five, did you say?

I feel like it's five. I think it's number two or three.

I'll go with two, you know. Jamali was a fan of this song.

Yeah, shall we do two then? You were an embryo.

Final answer? - Yeah. - Two.

Will the real Leanne Brown please step forward?

Yeah! Whoo!

Sorry about that. I knew it!

You were wrong, I'm afraid. She was right, though.

I knew it. I can see a pop star, superstar, from a mile away.

She knew. She sensed the vocalist. What are you up to at the moment?

It's festival season, so it's everywhere,

and then the rest of the year I hang out in Cyprus.

Sounds like someone's nailed life.

Leanne and the rest of our line-up!

At the end of that round, Noel's team have seven,

and Sophie's team also have seven points.

Ooh, we're back.

Right, it's time for Next Lines.

Noel's team, you're up first. You're against the clock. Hoo-wee!

Here we go. Your time starts now.

I was made for loving you, baby.

♪ I was made for lovin' you baby You were made for lovin' me

Correct, Kiss, I Was Made For Lovin' You.

I know you're not at home, you liar.

Oh, I set your house on fire. Me. - Yes. - Thank God.

Mimi Webb, House On Fire. I just took a DNA test...

Jamali's my real son.

I just took a DNA test...

Oh, my God, what is that?

It turns out I'm a hundred per cent that bitch. Lizzo, Truth Hurts.

Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick.

You know, with Elton John when he sucks you off under the table.

The one that makes me scream, she said. The Cure, Just Like Heaven.

Alright, that's right, that's right, that's right,

I really love your tiger light.

That's right, that's right, that's neat, that's neat,

I really love your tiger feet. Mud, Tiger Feet.

Lucky that my breasts are small and humble.

Small and humble.

What was that, Greg?

It is lucky that my breasts are small and humble. Shakira.

Well done, Noel's team, you got three right!

Sophie's team, here are yours.

You need four points to win. OK, let's do this.

So, it's not in the bag yet. And your time starts now.

I think you are really fit. But my God, don't you know it.

Correct, The Streets, Fit But You Know It.

Memory, all alone in the moonlight.

♪ Memory, all alone in the moonlight ♪

Oh, has the moon lost her memory?

No, I can smile at the old days, - I was beautiful then. - Fuck!

Memory, from Cats.

Hours wasted. Yeah.

They say hello, they say hola, and they say bonjour.

I'm pissed I never got to fly on a Concorde.

Correct, Tinie Tempah, Pass Out.

I've been Southampton, but I've never been to Scunthorpe.

Fucking crazy with the kicks, call me Jean-Claude.

Correct, Tinie Tempah, Pass Out.

I'm about to be a bigger star than my mum thought.

Cos every day I've got a groupie at my front door.

Tinie Tempah, Pass Out.

So, when's the round that you just do my bits?

What, eating people's bumholes?

I've never said that. I've never - said that. - Excuse me, I'm busy.

Cos ain't nothing going on but the rent.

♪ You need to get a J-O-B if you wanna be with me #With me.

Gwen Guthrie, Ain't Nothin' Goin' on but the Rent. Correct.

If you wanna know if he loves you so... Shoop, shoop.

It's in his kiss.

That sound means it's the end of the round

and it's the end of the show, and Noel's team have 10 points,

but with 12 points, our winners tonight are Sophie's team!

My thanks to Mimi, Noel, Jamali,

Jon, Sophie, and Tinie.

Good night!

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