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1
00:00:08,333 --> 00:00:09,834
[keys clacking]
2
00:00:09,834 --> 00:00:11,792
[typewriter bell dings]
3
00:00:11,792 --> 00:00:13,375
You won't leave your house.
4
00:00:13,375 --> 00:00:14,750
You're stoned before breakfast.
5
00:00:14,750 --> 00:00:15,750
And you look like...
6
00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:17,375
I look like what?
7
00:00:17,375 --> 00:00:19,750
You look like what
I imagine you'd look like
8
00:00:19,750 --> 00:00:21,000
if you'd never left Michigan.
9
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,792
[gasps]
10
00:00:22,792 --> 00:00:25,166
We had a vehement conversation
about Anthony Powner Smith.
11
00:00:25,166 --> 00:00:26,667
Who knows?
He might surprise you.
12
00:00:26,667 --> 00:00:27,500
By tap-dancing.
13
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:28,917
[gasps]
That is wildly offensive.
14
00:00:28,917 --> 00:00:30,667
You're wildly offensive.
15
00:00:30,667 --> 00:00:32,333
Hello, good people.
16
00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:33,333
Ah.
17
00:00:33,333 --> 00:00:36,875
Numbers through the roof!
18
00:00:36,875 --> 00:00:37,500
No shit?
19
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:38,667
Get your ass down there.
20
00:00:38,667 --> 00:00:40,083
You got a show to shoot!
21
00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:40,917
We'll see.
22
00:00:40,917 --> 00:00:42,959
[Helen] He has demands?
23
00:00:42,959 --> 00:00:45,417
He masturbated
in front of America.
24
00:00:45,417 --> 00:00:47,208
And America said,
25
00:00:47,208 --> 00:00:48,875
"Thank you."
26
00:00:49,875 --> 00:00:53,542
[keys clacking]
27
00:00:53,542 --> 00:00:54,375
[typewriter dings]
28
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:59,083
[wind whooshing]
29
00:01:04,083 --> 00:01:07,083
♪ quirky music ♪
30
00:01:07,083 --> 00:01:11,208
♪♪♪
31
00:01:30,583 --> 00:01:31,625
[gunshot]
32
00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:41,917
♪ quirky music ♪
33
00:01:41,917 --> 00:01:44,709
So you'd be playing this guy
34
00:01:44,709 --> 00:01:46,750
who used to be
a hit man for the mob.
35
00:01:46,750 --> 00:01:48,250
So typecasting?
36
00:01:48,250 --> 00:01:49,000
[laughs]
Yeah.
37
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,208
You just got out of prison,
38
00:01:51,208 --> 00:01:52,959
and you're trying to stay clean,
39
00:01:52,959 --> 00:01:54,625
but you got no money.
40
00:01:54,625 --> 00:01:56,000
Totally broke.
41
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:56,917
Got it.
42
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,500
So you're only option
43
00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:00,083
is to move in with your mother
44
00:02:00,083 --> 00:02:00,792
in her retirement community
45
00:02:00,792 --> 00:02:04,041
in Florida.
[laughs]
46
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:05,917
It's kind of
Goodfellas meets Cocoon.
47
00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:07,041
Funny.
[both chuckle]
48
00:02:07,041 --> 00:02:09,667
[upbeat cell phone ringtone]
49
00:02:09,667 --> 00:02:10,542
Ugh.
50
00:02:10,542 --> 00:02:13,000
Sorry, I got to grab this.
My ex-wife.
51
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,291
Oh, no,
go-go-go.
52
00:02:15,291 --> 00:02:16,041
Yo?
53
00:02:16,041 --> 00:02:17,333
So, uh,
54
00:02:17,333 --> 00:02:18,834
I saw your little show
55
00:02:18,834 --> 00:02:20,208
with the girl in the box.
56
00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:22,250
Yeah, that was a shit-storm.
57
00:02:22,250 --> 00:02:23,500
But hey, ratings are up 30%.
58
00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:25,458
30%.
59
00:02:25,458 --> 00:02:27,458
Aw, I'm happy for you.
60
00:02:27,458 --> 00:02:28,375
Eh, hey.
61
00:02:28,375 --> 00:02:30,750
Are you fuckin' crazy?
62
00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:31,333
One of the kids at school
63
00:02:31,333 --> 00:02:33,375
saw it and told Michael.
64
00:02:33,375 --> 00:02:34,792
So Michael watched it.
65
00:02:34,792 --> 00:02:35,834
Then Michael
66
00:02:35,834 --> 00:02:36,792
showed Aiden.
67
00:02:36,792 --> 00:02:38,291
So now both your boys
68
00:02:38,291 --> 00:02:40,500
have seen you
with your dick in your hand,
69
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:43,041
jerking off to some girl
in a glass box
70
00:02:43,041 --> 00:02:44,500
with her cooch hanging out.
71
00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:47,375
30%.
72
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:49,625
I'm not fuckin'
doing this with you.
73
00:02:49,625 --> 00:02:51,458
The therapist says
you got to talk to them.
74
00:02:51,458 --> 00:02:52,125
Ah--can't you do it?
75
00:02:52,125 --> 00:02:54,250
No.
This is your mess.
76
00:02:54,250 --> 00:02:56,166
You clean it up.
77
00:02:56,166 --> 00:02:57,875
Which I'm sure you didn't do
after your little video.
78
00:02:57,875 --> 00:02:59,291
Fine. Whatever.
79
00:02:59,291 --> 00:03:00,083
I gotta go.
80
00:03:00,083 --> 00:03:01,166
Go.
81
00:03:02,125 --> 00:03:03,000
You all right?
82
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,500
Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry.
83
00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:06,375
Um, so you were saying...
84
00:03:08,834 --> 00:03:10,125
I have no idea what
you were saying, um...
85
00:03:10,125 --> 00:03:11,458
one more time.
86
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:13,375
♪♪♪
87
00:03:13,375 --> 00:03:15,417
[woman on TV] Julie
and her fiance Dave
88
00:03:15,417 --> 00:03:17,000
Have been looking
in the Chicago area...
89
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,166
Come on.
Get dressed.
90
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:20,250
We're going on a hike.
91
00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:21,500
[snorts]
No, I'm not.
92
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:23,125
Yes, you are.
93
00:03:23,125 --> 00:03:25,041
This is ridiculous.
You've got to get out of here.
94
00:03:25,041 --> 00:03:26,500
I'm in the middle of something.
95
00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:27,750
What?
96
00:03:27,750 --> 00:03:29,333
This stupid woman
and her husband
97
00:03:29,333 --> 00:03:31,125
are looking for a house.
98
00:03:31,125 --> 00:03:32,500
[woman on TV] The first house
in Buffalo Grove--
99
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,792
How many hours have you
been at this today?
100
00:03:34,792 --> 00:03:37,208
What time is it?
101
00:03:37,208 --> 00:03:38,083
9:30.
102
00:03:38,083 --> 00:03:39,041
Oh.
103
00:03:39,041 --> 00:03:41,250
The longer you stay here,
104
00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:41,875
the harder it's gonna be
to leave.
105
00:03:41,875 --> 00:03:43,875
It's like quicksand.
106
00:03:43,875 --> 00:03:45,125
You sit here, hour after hour,
107
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:47,208
watching these shows,
108
00:03:47,208 --> 00:03:48,083
getting high--
109
00:03:48,083 --> 00:03:49,583
I'm not getting high.
110
00:03:49,583 --> 00:03:50,375
Since when?
111
00:03:50,375 --> 00:03:50,792
Since I ran out of dope.
112
00:03:50,792 --> 00:03:52,208
Aww.
113
00:03:52,208 --> 00:03:54,750
You're like a white
Billie Holiday.
114
00:03:54,750 --> 00:03:57,208
It's not funny.
115
00:03:57,208 --> 00:03:58,709
I can't afford any more.
116
00:03:58,709 --> 00:04:00,083
Well,
117
00:04:00,083 --> 00:04:01,709
I do have a thought about that.
118
00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,375
You're buying me dope?
119
00:04:03,375 --> 00:04:04,542
No.
120
00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:08,166
If you need money,
121
00:04:08,166 --> 00:04:10,792
and this is gonna sound
a little extreme,
122
00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,083
have you considered
123
00:04:12,083 --> 00:04:14,250
suing Helen and the network?
124
00:04:14,250 --> 00:04:15,500
[chuckles]
I can't do that.
125
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:17,000
No, hear me out.
126
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:19,417
Your employer initiated
an affair with you,
127
00:04:19,417 --> 00:04:21,291
and then, when she
broke up with you,
128
00:04:21,291 --> 00:04:26,375
she created
a hostile work environment,
129
00:04:26,375 --> 00:04:27,959
forcing you to leave.
130
00:04:27,959 --> 00:04:28,875
And now,
131
00:04:28,875 --> 00:04:30,875
you can't get hired.
132
00:04:30,875 --> 00:04:31,291
Oh.
133
00:04:31,291 --> 00:04:33,166
I don't know.
134
00:04:33,166 --> 00:04:34,208
I think you have
a very strong case.
135
00:04:34,208 --> 00:04:37,792
It just doesn't feel right.
136
00:04:37,792 --> 00:04:40,250
I mean, a lawsuit?
137
00:04:40,250 --> 00:04:43,417
Also, it seems like
so much work.
138
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,000
Yes, it would cut into
your busy schedule
139
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:49,750
as a real estate viewer.
140
00:04:49,750 --> 00:04:51,625
So...
141
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,000
...you ever see her?
142
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:53,959
Who?
Helen?
143
00:04:53,959 --> 00:04:56,083
Mm, sometimes.
144
00:04:56,083 --> 00:04:56,959
In meetings.
145
00:04:56,959 --> 00:04:58,834
She doesn't, um,
146
00:04:58,834 --> 00:05:00,250
ever ask about me, does she?
147
00:05:00,250 --> 00:05:03,333
Probably not.
[laughs, snorts]
148
00:05:03,333 --> 00:05:05,875
I--I'm just curious.
149
00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:07,750
After everything
she did to you?
150
00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:10,959
She literally
stripped you naked,
151
00:05:10,959 --> 00:05:11,792
on a hill.
152
00:05:11,792 --> 00:05:12,709
I know.
153
00:05:12,709 --> 00:05:14,834
That you're even
thinking about her!
154
00:05:14,834 --> 00:05:15,208
I know.
155
00:05:15,208 --> 00:05:17,125
Please.
156
00:05:17,125 --> 00:05:18,333
Get out of this house.
157
00:05:18,333 --> 00:05:19,750
Get out of your head.
158
00:05:19,750 --> 00:05:20,917
- I will.
- When?
159
00:05:20,917 --> 00:05:24,875
Right after Love It or List It
and Property Brothers.
160
00:05:24,875 --> 00:05:27,792
And Flip or Flop.
161
00:05:27,792 --> 00:05:30,375
♪♪♪
162
00:05:30,375 --> 00:05:32,667
So I'd be playing
this former hit man who
163
00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:36,000
has to move into his mother's
retirement community.
164
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,917
It's like a cross between
Goodfellas and Cocoon.
165
00:05:39,917 --> 00:05:41,166
Prosecco.
166
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:43,208
Oh, we didn't order any--
167
00:05:43,208 --> 00:05:44,709
Our compliments.
168
00:05:44,709 --> 00:05:46,000
Thanks.
169
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,667
They like to
bring me stuff here.
170
00:05:47,667 --> 00:05:47,917
Why?
171
00:05:47,917 --> 00:05:50,750
Why?
172
00:05:50,750 --> 00:05:52,709
So the bit is
all these old people
173
00:05:52,709 --> 00:05:54,375
keep trying to hire me
to kill each other.
174
00:05:54,375 --> 00:05:56,041
And they're, like,
worse than the mob.
175
00:05:56,041 --> 00:05:58,417
Oh, that's funny.
176
00:05:58,417 --> 00:05:59,208
Is it?
177
00:05:59,208 --> 00:06:00,333
Mmm.
178
00:06:00,333 --> 00:06:01,834
See, that's what
I was afraid of.
179
00:06:01,834 --> 00:06:03,458
I--oh.
180
00:06:03,458 --> 00:06:05,709
Oh, thank you.
And this is?
181
00:06:05,709 --> 00:06:07,792
Chef's house-made
goose liver pâté.
182
00:06:07,792 --> 00:06:09,375
Wait until you try this.
183
00:06:09,375 --> 00:06:09,875
Thank him for us, please.
184
00:06:09,875 --> 00:06:12,000
Bon appétit.
185
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,542
[chuckles]
186
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:15,083
It helps if you
eat a lot of bread with it.
187
00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,041
What about you?
188
00:06:17,041 --> 00:06:18,375
No, I fucking hate pâté.
189
00:06:18,375 --> 00:06:19,458
I hate geese.
190
00:06:19,458 --> 00:06:21,208
Why didn't you say something?
191
00:06:21,208 --> 00:06:23,208
I made a big fuss
the first time they brought it.
192
00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:25,125
Now they bring it every time.
Just eat it.
193
00:06:25,125 --> 00:06:26,333
Why do I have to eat it?
194
00:06:26,333 --> 00:06:27,083
It'd be rude.
195
00:06:27,083 --> 00:06:27,917
So you eat it.
196
00:06:27,917 --> 00:06:29,959
[groans]
197
00:06:29,959 --> 00:06:31,709
Okay, look, forget about
the hit man in Florida.
198
00:06:31,709 --> 00:06:32,667
You're right.
It sucks.
199
00:06:32,667 --> 00:06:33,500
Here's another one.
200
00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:35,208
Another one?
201
00:06:35,208 --> 00:06:37,041
Did you ask me here just
to pick my brain about these?
202
00:06:37,041 --> 00:06:38,333
No, come on.
203
00:06:38,333 --> 00:06:41,041
I haven't seen you.
204
00:06:41,041 --> 00:06:41,834
All right.
205
00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:42,500
[exhales]
206
00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:44,709
But since I got you here...
207
00:06:44,709 --> 00:06:45,875
You've got a list?
208
00:06:45,875 --> 00:06:47,875
- There's not that many.
- How many's not that many?
209
00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:50,250
Um...
210
00:06:50,250 --> 00:06:51,709
[mumbled counting]
211
00:06:51,709 --> 00:06:53,375
All right, just pitch me
your absolute favorite.
212
00:06:53,375 --> 00:06:55,875
What's the one
you're really excited about?
213
00:06:55,875 --> 00:06:57,208
Well, really excited?
[groans]
214
00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:59,417
Okay, let's try this.
215
00:06:59,417 --> 00:07:01,250
Go through your list,
216
00:07:01,250 --> 00:07:04,000
eliminate every one
where you're recently divorced.
217
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,083
Gotcha.
218
00:07:05,083 --> 00:07:05,917
Or a "former" something.
219
00:07:05,917 --> 00:07:07,625
Sure.
220
00:07:07,625 --> 00:07:11,750
Who "reluctantly"
agrees to do something.
221
00:07:11,750 --> 00:07:16,583
Especially if you're "forced
to move in with" someone.
222
00:07:16,583 --> 00:07:20,000
Oh, and nix anything
with the words "dysfunctional,"
223
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,625
uh, "instant family,"
224
00:07:21,625 --> 00:07:23,792
or "comes to realize."
225
00:07:23,792 --> 00:07:24,417
What's wrong
with "comes to realize"?
226
00:07:24,417 --> 00:07:25,667
Because whatever it is,
227
00:07:25,667 --> 00:07:28,583
the network will insist
you "come to realize" it
228
00:07:28,583 --> 00:07:30,250
by the end of the pilot.
229
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,333
- [soft exhale]
- So then you've got no show.
230
00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:34,583
Right, okay.
Give me a second.
231
00:07:34,583 --> 00:07:35,583
At least try the fucking pâté.
232
00:07:45,709 --> 00:07:46,875
- Eh.
- [pen crosses]
233
00:07:46,875 --> 00:07:50,125
Well?
234
00:07:50,125 --> 00:07:52,291
I've never actually
tasted baby shit,
235
00:07:52,291 --> 00:07:52,959
but I have to assume.
236
00:07:52,959 --> 00:07:55,333
Okay, done.
237
00:07:55,333 --> 00:07:56,792
So what have you got left?
238
00:07:56,792 --> 00:07:58,291
Fuck.
239
00:07:58,291 --> 00:08:00,125
I don't want to do
the one where I'm a ghost.
240
00:08:00,125 --> 00:08:01,458
Probably wise.
241
00:08:01,458 --> 00:08:02,750
And I just realized,
it's a ghost
242
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:05,834
who has an instant family
and they're dysfunctional.
243
00:08:05,834 --> 00:08:07,625
Jesus.
244
00:08:07,625 --> 00:08:10,208
Look, you're in
a unique position.
245
00:08:10,208 --> 00:08:11,792
You have a ton of fuck-you money
246
00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:12,917
and a good day job.
247
00:08:12,917 --> 00:08:15,709
You can afford to take a risk.
248
00:08:15,709 --> 00:08:17,083
You need to come back with
something no one's expecting.
249
00:08:17,083 --> 00:08:19,583
Do a drama.
250
00:08:19,583 --> 00:08:22,000
Do a really dark comedy.
251
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,250
If you're gonna play
a former hit man
252
00:08:23,250 --> 00:08:26,500
with a bunch of old people,
fucking shoot some of them.
253
00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:29,000
Do a show that'll make people
go, "Shit,
254
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,000
I didn't know he could do that."
255
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,333
Yes.
256
00:08:34,208 --> 00:08:35,000
You guys got to do it.
257
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,625
♪♪♪
258
00:08:37,625 --> 00:08:39,250
Can I start you
with something to drink?
259
00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:41,166
Iced tea for me.
260
00:08:41,166 --> 00:08:42,583
Double scotch, neat.
261
00:08:42,583 --> 00:08:43,417
Very good.
262
00:08:43,417 --> 00:08:44,125
A double scotch.
263
00:08:44,125 --> 00:08:46,208
[sighs]
264
00:08:46,208 --> 00:08:47,667
It's my wife's medical stuff.
265
00:08:47,667 --> 00:08:49,500
How's she doing?
266
00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:51,834
Well, now they're saying she
needs a bone marrow transplant.
267
00:08:51,834 --> 00:08:52,959
Oh, my God.
268
00:08:52,959 --> 00:08:55,291
Turns out, I'm a match.
269
00:08:55,291 --> 00:08:57,333
My luck.
270
00:08:57,333 --> 00:08:59,208
[whispers] Oh.
Wow.
271
00:08:59,208 --> 00:09:01,000
Apparently,
272
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,542
it can be very painful.
273
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,875
Oh, poor thing.
274
00:09:03,875 --> 00:09:06,542
I'm talking about me.
275
00:09:06,542 --> 00:09:07,959
Oh.
276
00:09:07,959 --> 00:09:11,166
This is not what you want
from a second marriage.
277
00:09:12,250 --> 00:09:14,959
Why can't you?
278
00:09:14,959 --> 00:09:16,875
We're a little busy helping
to destroy our current show.
279
00:09:16,875 --> 00:09:18,625
And you're fucking miserable.
280
00:09:18,625 --> 00:09:20,709
- From the chef.
- Ah.
281
00:09:20,709 --> 00:09:24,375
Tuna tartare with
a light truffle sesame oil.
282
00:09:24,375 --> 00:09:25,792
Ooh.
283
00:09:25,792 --> 00:09:27,041
Mmm.
284
00:09:27,041 --> 00:09:28,750
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm.
285
00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:29,375
Gave me the squirts
for a week.
286
00:09:29,375 --> 00:09:32,041
Why are we eating here?
287
00:09:32,041 --> 00:09:34,000
Come on.
We got to do this.
288
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,417
Yes, well, I'm not sure
the network will be
289
00:09:35,417 --> 00:09:36,667
very keen on us
jumping ship.
290
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:38,000
Don't worry about the network.
291
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:39,834
They'll do anything
to keep me happy.
292
00:09:39,834 --> 00:09:40,875
I can protect you.
293
00:09:40,875 --> 00:09:43,166
I'll be your 500-pound gorilla.
294
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:44,333
That's what this smells like.
295
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,125
Yeah, it's gross.
296
00:09:46,125 --> 00:09:47,375
Mmm!
297
00:09:48,750 --> 00:09:50,875
[cell phone rings]
298
00:09:54,583 --> 00:09:55,625
Hello?
299
00:09:55,625 --> 00:09:58,250
You are gonna be
so proud of me.
300
00:09:58,250 --> 00:09:59,291
Am I?
301
00:09:59,291 --> 00:10:00,792
I'm out!
302
00:10:00,792 --> 00:10:01,959
No?
303
00:10:01,959 --> 00:10:03,041
[laughs] Uh-huh.
304
00:10:03,041 --> 00:10:05,834
It's like a scene from
Shawshank Redemption.
305
00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:07,083
You should see me.
306
00:10:07,083 --> 00:10:08,542
I'm on a street!
307
00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:09,750
Taking a walk!
308
00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:11,417
Good for you!
309
00:10:11,417 --> 00:10:13,291
I got a donut.
310
00:10:13,291 --> 00:10:14,166
You did not?
311
00:10:14,166 --> 00:10:14,750
And?
312
00:10:14,750 --> 00:10:16,667
Donuts are expensive.
313
00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:17,917
I know.
314
00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:19,458
It's because they're so rare.
315
00:10:19,458 --> 00:10:20,250
Mmm.
316
00:10:20,250 --> 00:10:21,291
But it's good.
317
00:10:21,291 --> 00:10:22,500
I'm glad I did it.
318
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:24,083
You should be.
319
00:10:24,083 --> 00:10:25,208
It's a big step.
320
00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:27,458
I may get a juice.
321
00:10:27,458 --> 00:10:29,041
Well, don't go crazy.
322
00:10:29,041 --> 00:10:30,458
Okay.
323
00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:32,041
I'm gonna let you go.
324
00:10:32,041 --> 00:10:33,250
You don't have to.
I'm just walking.
325
00:10:33,250 --> 00:10:35,709
It's a figure of speech
when someone wants to hang up,
326
00:10:35,709 --> 00:10:36,875
remember?
327
00:10:36,875 --> 00:10:38,125
You used to use it on me
all the time.
328
00:10:38,125 --> 00:10:39,500
March on.
329
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:42,041
I am very proud of you.
330
00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:42,625
Me too.
331
00:10:42,625 --> 00:10:44,875
Thanks for pushing me.
332
00:10:44,875 --> 00:10:45,417
I needed the push.
333
00:10:45,417 --> 00:10:47,583
Enjoy your donut.
334
00:10:47,583 --> 00:10:49,500
Oh, I am.
335
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:53,792
♪ quirky music ♪
336
00:10:53,792 --> 00:10:57,875
♪♪♪
337
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,291
♪ dramatic music ♪
338
00:11:09,291 --> 00:11:15,125
♪♪♪
339
00:11:18,417 --> 00:11:23,166
[muttering, crying]
340
00:11:23,166 --> 00:11:25,625
[woman on TV] Buying a house
in Woodbridge, Connecticut,
341
00:11:25,625 --> 00:11:27,792
hasn't been easy
for newlyweds Bill and Fern.
342
00:11:27,792 --> 00:11:29,709
[sighs]
343
00:11:29,709 --> 00:11:30,875
[woman on TV] They can't agree
on what they want.
344
00:11:30,875 --> 00:11:33,542
They're looking
in the New Haven sub--
345
00:11:33,542 --> 00:11:34,667
[TV clicks off]
346
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,417
[groans]
347
00:11:41,917 --> 00:11:42,834
[man on TV] Two balls
and two strikes.
348
00:11:42,834 --> 00:11:44,667
[phone ringing]
349
00:11:44,667 --> 00:11:45,583
[man on TV] And with the two
strikes, continues to--
350
00:11:45,583 --> 00:11:46,583
[TV clicks off]
351
00:11:46,583 --> 00:11:48,000
[sighs]
352
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,083
Hello?
353
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:50,125
Sean?
354
00:11:50,125 --> 00:11:52,625
Who?
355
00:11:52,625 --> 00:11:54,458
What?
356
00:11:54,458 --> 00:11:56,208
Carol?
357
00:11:56,208 --> 00:11:56,959
Oh, shit.
358
00:11:56,959 --> 00:11:59,583
[chuckles]
"Oh, shit" to you.
359
00:11:59,583 --> 00:12:03,041
[laughs]
I'm sor--I'm sorry.
360
00:12:03,041 --> 00:12:04,542
I just, uh,
361
00:12:04,542 --> 00:12:06,500
I-I was calling Beverly
362
00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:08,458
and I guess
363
00:12:08,458 --> 00:12:09,250
Lincoln is next to Lapidus.
364
00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:10,750
That's okay.
365
00:12:10,750 --> 00:12:13,542
I'll take a butt-dial
from you any day.
366
00:12:13,542 --> 00:12:16,500
Well, not exactly
a butt-dial,
367
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:18,250
but, uh, so,
368
00:12:18,250 --> 00:12:20,834
um,
369
00:12:20,834 --> 00:12:22,458
sorry to bother you.
370
00:12:22,458 --> 00:12:23,083
Take care.
371
00:12:23,083 --> 00:12:25,333
Oh!
372
00:12:26,834 --> 00:12:29,000
[phone ringing]
373
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,250
[groans]
374
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,208
[phone ringing]
375
00:12:33,750 --> 00:12:34,500
Hello.
376
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:35,834
Are you okay?
377
00:12:35,834 --> 00:12:37,458
Yeah.
I'm great.
378
00:12:37,458 --> 00:12:38,583
Really?
379
00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:39,709
Mm, mm-hmm, no, I'm...
380
00:12:39,709 --> 00:12:42,792
[inhales, exhales deeply]
381
00:12:42,792 --> 00:12:43,750
...I don't know.
382
00:12:43,750 --> 00:12:45,417
You want to grab a bite?
383
00:12:45,417 --> 00:12:46,500
Let me buy you dinner.
384
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:47,959
Oh, God.
385
00:12:47,959 --> 00:12:49,917
[chuckles] No.
No, no.
386
00:12:49,917 --> 00:12:50,208
Ah, come on.
387
00:12:50,208 --> 00:12:52,250
No.
388
00:12:52,250 --> 00:12:56,583
Honest, uh-um...
389
00:12:56,583 --> 00:12:58,583
...if you saw me right now,
390
00:12:58,583 --> 00:13:00,458
you'd lose your appetite.
[laughs]
391
00:13:00,458 --> 00:13:02,250
I'm...
392
00:13:02,250 --> 00:13:03,417
...kind of a mess.
[laughs]
393
00:13:03,417 --> 00:13:05,542
Are you sure?
394
00:13:05,542 --> 00:13:06,625
Yeah.
395
00:13:06,625 --> 00:13:09,709
Yeah, I'm really--
396
00:13:09,709 --> 00:13:11,291
I'm better off
by myself right now.
397
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,583
Well,
398
00:13:13,583 --> 00:13:15,333
tell your butt
I'm here if it needs me.
399
00:13:15,333 --> 00:13:18,125
Mm-kay.
400
00:13:18,125 --> 00:13:20,750
[sighs]
401
00:13:20,750 --> 00:13:22,333
[sad chuckle]
402
00:13:22,333 --> 00:13:25,542
So I understand from Mommy
403
00:13:25,542 --> 00:13:28,709
that you guys saw me
on the computer doing some
404
00:13:28,709 --> 00:13:31,333
pretty silly stuff.
405
00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:33,417
Now, I don't know why
we don't have some kind of
406
00:13:33,417 --> 00:13:34,250
parental control thing
that would
407
00:13:34,250 --> 00:13:36,750
stop you from seeing
stuff like that.
408
00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:37,834
Not the point.
409
00:13:37,834 --> 00:13:38,709
You want to do this?
410
00:13:38,709 --> 00:13:40,625
No, this is you.
411
00:13:40,625 --> 00:13:41,458
Do it.
Just do it.
412
00:13:41,458 --> 00:13:42,083
I'm doing it.
413
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:47,333
Anyway,
414
00:13:47,333 --> 00:13:49,041
you know how sometimes
you guys do stuff
415
00:13:49,041 --> 00:13:52,667
you know you shouldn't do
but you do it anyway?
416
00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:54,625
Hm?
417
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:56,208
Well, sometimes daddies
do that too.
418
00:13:56,208 --> 00:14:00,041
I mean, it's a little different
'cause the stuff you do
419
00:14:00,041 --> 00:14:01,834
doesn't end up on Fox News,
420
00:14:01,834 --> 00:14:03,208
'cause apparently
Greta Van Susteren
421
00:14:03,208 --> 00:14:06,000
doesn't have enough real stuff
to fucking talk about.
422
00:14:09,959 --> 00:14:11,667
But the point is,
423
00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:14,709
that doesn't make
what Daddy did okay.
424
00:14:14,709 --> 00:14:16,750
And I feel bad.
425
00:14:16,750 --> 00:14:19,709
[Matt] I feel bad
that it happened,
426
00:14:19,709 --> 00:14:22,208
and I feel bad
you had to see it.
427
00:14:22,208 --> 00:14:24,709
I'm sure it was
very, very weird for you,
428
00:14:24,709 --> 00:14:26,291
seeing that naked lady
429
00:14:26,291 --> 00:14:29,375
and Daddy's penis.
430
00:14:29,375 --> 00:14:31,333
So we don't need
to talk about Daddy's penis
431
00:14:31,333 --> 00:14:32,583
'cause the point is...
432
00:14:39,959 --> 00:14:43,375
...The point is,
I made a mistake.
433
00:14:43,375 --> 00:14:45,709
A big mistake.
434
00:14:45,709 --> 00:14:47,333
But the good thing
435
00:14:47,333 --> 00:14:48,709
is that every time
you make a mistake,
436
00:14:48,709 --> 00:14:52,083
you learn something.
Hmm?
437
00:14:52,083 --> 00:14:54,875
And what I learned,
and this is the one thing
438
00:14:54,875 --> 00:14:58,417
I want you to remember,
439
00:14:58,417 --> 00:15:00,208
whenever you're about
to do something
440
00:15:00,208 --> 00:15:03,375
that you know is bad,
441
00:15:03,375 --> 00:15:07,542
always, always, always
442
00:15:07,542 --> 00:15:11,458
look for the camera.
443
00:15:11,458 --> 00:15:14,542
Hmm?
444
00:15:14,542 --> 00:15:14,917
So we're good?
445
00:15:14,917 --> 00:15:15,500
[mutters]
446
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,375
[knife clangs]
447
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:19,709
Okay. Good.
448
00:15:19,709 --> 00:15:21,417
♪♪♪
449
00:15:21,417 --> 00:15:23,542
[knock at door]
450
00:15:27,291 --> 00:15:28,250
Oh, no.
451
00:15:28,250 --> 00:15:29,500
- Oh, yeah.
- No.
452
00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:31,417
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- No, no, no.
453
00:15:31,417 --> 00:15:34,625
- You didn't have--
- I know.
454
00:15:34,625 --> 00:15:36,458
D'oh!
Stop looking at me.
455
00:15:36,458 --> 00:15:37,583
Why, you look great.
456
00:15:37,583 --> 00:15:39,250
Bullshit.
457
00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:40,041
[scoffs]
458
00:15:40,041 --> 00:15:40,542
Well, you look comfortable.
459
00:15:40,542 --> 00:15:42,709
[both scoff]
460
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,959
You really shouldn't have--
461
00:15:44,959 --> 00:15:45,834
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
462
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:48,166
So I...
463
00:15:48,166 --> 00:15:51,417
...got the roast chicken
that you like.
464
00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:53,583
I got some of those green beans
465
00:15:53,583 --> 00:15:54,583
and that potato thing,
466
00:15:54,583 --> 00:15:57,667
with...
467
00:15:57,667 --> 00:15:59,083
...sauce on the side.
468
00:15:59,083 --> 00:16:00,083
Aw.
469
00:16:00,083 --> 00:16:01,792
I got no fucking kale.
470
00:16:01,792 --> 00:16:04,792
I got the mac and cheese.
471
00:16:04,792 --> 00:16:05,834
Oh, with the truffles?
472
00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:07,875
- [chuckles]
- [sniffs]
473
00:16:07,875 --> 00:16:08,667
[sighs]
474
00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:10,208
But first,
475
00:16:10,208 --> 00:16:13,291
a little amuse-bouche.
476
00:16:13,291 --> 00:16:15,500
Oh, my God.
477
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:16,917
Did you bring papers?
478
00:16:16,917 --> 00:16:19,250
Did I bring papers?
479
00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:20,458
[cries]
480
00:16:20,458 --> 00:16:21,834
Oh, Jesus.
481
00:16:21,834 --> 00:16:23,583
When you said you were a mess,
I--
482
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:26,125
I am a mess.
483
00:16:26,125 --> 00:16:28,458
Aww, honey.
484
00:16:28,458 --> 00:16:31,125
[sobbing]
485
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:33,458
[sniffling]
486
00:16:33,458 --> 00:16:36,500
Are you smelling my hair?
487
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:38,500
Don't smell my hair.
488
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:41,333
I'm trying not to.
489
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,709
- [sobs]
- Oh.
490
00:16:42,709 --> 00:16:46,625
♪♪♪
491
00:16:46,625 --> 00:16:49,458
So I get home last night
and kick off my shoes,
492
00:16:49,458 --> 00:16:52,166
and I start going
into the kitchen.
493
00:16:52,166 --> 00:16:54,458
Then, I turn around...
[laughs]
494
00:16:54,458 --> 00:16:55,375
...and there's Mr. Swizzleboots,
495
00:16:55,375 --> 00:16:58,333
and he's got his head
inside my shoe.
496
00:16:58,333 --> 00:17:00,000
And all you can see
is his little bum,
497
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,458
and his tail wagging like crazy.
- [writers awwing]
498
00:17:01,458 --> 00:17:03,917
- Look-look-look-look-look-look-
look-look-look-look-look-look.
499
00:17:03,917 --> 00:17:05,166
[Tim on phone]
Who's in that shoe?
500
00:17:05,166 --> 00:17:06,125
Aww.
501
00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:08,250
Who's in that shoe?
502
00:17:08,250 --> 00:17:10,166
Who's in that shoe?
Who's in that shoe?
503
00:17:10,166 --> 00:17:13,041
- [cat meows on phone]
- Who's in that shoe?
504
00:17:13,041 --> 00:17:16,208
So apparently, there is
another level of hell.
505
00:17:16,208 --> 00:17:19,000
[chuckles]
Never hated a cat more.
506
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,166
Who's in that shoe?
507
00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:24,041
Oh, you guys.
508
00:17:24,041 --> 00:17:25,041
Is this because I made
the banana bread?
509
00:17:25,041 --> 00:17:29,542
Actually, it's for
Sean and Beverly.
510
00:17:29,542 --> 00:17:31,000
Oh.
511
00:17:32,542 --> 00:17:33,875
From Matt?
512
00:17:33,875 --> 00:17:36,041
"Let me be your
500-pound gorilla."
513
00:17:36,041 --> 00:17:38,750
Uh, whenever you're done
playing with your plush toy,
514
00:17:38,750 --> 00:17:41,709
perhaps we could
get back to work?
515
00:17:41,709 --> 00:17:42,375
All right, where were we?
516
00:17:42,375 --> 00:17:44,542
Uh, I believe we were up to,
517
00:17:44,542 --> 00:17:46,709
"Who's in that shoe?"
518
00:17:48,583 --> 00:17:50,792
So good.
519
00:17:50,792 --> 00:17:52,750
[inhales sharply]
520
00:17:52,750 --> 00:17:54,542
Oh.
521
00:17:54,542 --> 00:17:56,917
I missed you.
522
00:17:56,917 --> 00:17:58,375
[stifled chuckle]
523
00:17:58,375 --> 00:17:58,709
Oh!
524
00:17:58,709 --> 00:18:00,125
And you.
525
00:18:00,125 --> 00:18:03,458
- [snickers]
- Hello, old friend.
526
00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:06,750
[exhales]
527
00:18:06,750 --> 00:18:08,542
How great is this?
528
00:18:08,542 --> 00:18:10,000
Pretty fucking great.
529
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,041
[laughs]
530
00:18:12,041 --> 00:18:14,583
Ahh.
531
00:18:14,583 --> 00:18:15,875
Mm.
532
00:18:15,875 --> 00:18:19,291
You've got a hit show.
533
00:18:19,291 --> 00:18:20,583
How the hell
did that happen?
534
00:18:20,583 --> 00:18:21,750
I hate it.
535
00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:22,667
You do not.
536
00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:24,291
I do.
537
00:18:24,291 --> 00:18:27,208
They treat LeBlanc
like he's a fucking king.
538
00:18:27,208 --> 00:18:28,250
Like he invented ratings.
539
00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:31,583
- [giggles]
- Me, I'm a punch line.
540
00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:33,417
I mean, Jesus Christ,
541
00:18:33,417 --> 00:18:34,333
who brought them the show?
542
00:18:34,333 --> 00:18:37,667
You were there.
It's such bullshit.
543
00:18:37,667 --> 00:18:40,000
[mock sobs]
544
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,083
[laughs]
545
00:18:42,083 --> 00:18:42,875
Fuck you.
546
00:18:42,875 --> 00:18:44,709
No.
Fuck you.
547
00:18:44,709 --> 00:18:46,583
I don't have a job.
548
00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:47,875
Mm.
549
00:18:47,875 --> 00:18:49,500
You should have a job.
550
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:52,458
I should have a job.
551
00:18:52,458 --> 00:18:53,458
More?
552
00:18:53,458 --> 00:18:54,542
Ugh--yes.
553
00:18:54,542 --> 00:18:56,875
[laughs]
554
00:18:56,875 --> 00:18:58,542
At least you're making money.
555
00:18:58,542 --> 00:19:00,792
It all goes to Jamie
and the other two.
556
00:19:00,792 --> 00:19:02,458
[inhales]
557
00:19:02,458 --> 00:19:04,959
And all those fucking kids.
558
00:19:04,959 --> 00:19:07,083
Said with love.
559
00:19:07,083 --> 00:19:08,000
Always.
560
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,208
[laughs]
561
00:19:09,208 --> 00:19:09,667
How's your mother?
562
00:19:09,667 --> 00:19:10,625
[coughs]
563
00:19:10,625 --> 00:19:12,417
[laughs]
564
00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:13,125
Whoa.
565
00:19:13,125 --> 00:19:13,959
I was just wondering.
566
00:19:13,959 --> 00:19:14,875
She's meaner.
567
00:19:14,875 --> 00:19:17,291
Is that possible?
568
00:19:17,291 --> 00:19:19,083
Oh, science wouldn't have
thought so,
569
00:19:19,083 --> 00:19:21,125
but somehow she is.
570
00:19:21,125 --> 00:19:22,041
I think since my father died,
571
00:19:22,041 --> 00:19:24,417
she's doing the work of two.
572
00:19:24,417 --> 00:19:25,875
[both laugh]
573
00:19:29,542 --> 00:19:30,875
What?
574
00:19:30,875 --> 00:19:32,417
I miss that face.
575
00:19:32,417 --> 00:19:34,083
Ah, I said don't look at me.
576
00:19:34,083 --> 00:19:36,667
Hey, you're not
the boss of me.
577
00:19:36,667 --> 00:19:38,166
And you are not
the boss of me.
578
00:19:38,166 --> 00:19:41,750
- [chuckles]
- That's still weird.
579
00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:45,709
I really fucked this up.
580
00:19:45,709 --> 00:19:48,333
Mm-hmm.
581
00:19:48,333 --> 00:19:51,583
You were the best thing
that ever happened to me.
582
00:19:51,583 --> 00:19:52,959
Damn right.
583
00:19:55,542 --> 00:19:58,125
Stop looking.
584
00:19:58,125 --> 00:19:59,667
[laughs]
585
00:19:59,667 --> 00:20:03,000
♪♪♪
586
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,083
[phone ringing]
587
00:20:06,083 --> 00:20:08,500
Uh, it's Eileen.
588
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:10,000
Uh, we'll be right there.
589
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,333
Make it quick.
Don't want to miss the fun.
590
00:20:11,333 --> 00:20:15,375
If Voldemort were
a camp counselor.
591
00:20:15,375 --> 00:20:16,750
Hmm.
592
00:20:17,709 --> 00:20:18,709
Morning.
593
00:20:18,709 --> 00:20:19,583
[Eileen] Hi, guys.
594
00:20:19,583 --> 00:20:20,709
How's it going?
595
00:20:20,709 --> 00:20:21,917
- Horrible.
- Tortuous.
596
00:20:21,917 --> 00:20:23,792
Okay, so I just got a call
597
00:20:23,792 --> 00:20:25,417
from Roger Riskin,
Matt LeBlanc's agent.
598
00:20:25,417 --> 00:20:29,041
He's saying Matt asked you
to write his next show?
599
00:20:29,041 --> 00:20:30,834
- Yeah, Matt's been after us.
- Right.
600
00:20:30,834 --> 00:20:31,542
I didn't know what to say.
601
00:20:31,542 --> 00:20:33,875
Got to keep me in the loop.
602
00:20:33,875 --> 00:20:35,166
Well, there really
is no loop.
603
00:20:35,166 --> 00:20:36,375
We've decided to
stick it out here.
604
00:20:36,375 --> 00:20:37,917
God knows why.
605
00:20:37,917 --> 00:20:39,667
We've got so much invested.
606
00:20:39,667 --> 00:20:40,542
I think that's very smart.
607
00:20:40,542 --> 00:20:43,208
The buzz on Opposite
is super hot,
608
00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:45,250
and now with
Anthony Powner Smith--
609
00:20:45,250 --> 00:20:46,667
- Say what?
- I'm sorry, what?
610
00:20:46,667 --> 00:20:47,667
What?
611
00:20:47,667 --> 00:20:49,166
Anthony Powner Smith?
612
00:20:49,709 --> 00:20:51,500
Right?
613
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,750
Is what?
614
00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:54,291
In Opposite.
615
00:20:54,291 --> 00:20:55,542
[both chuckle]
616
00:20:55,542 --> 00:20:57,250
- No, no, no.
- No, not likely.
617
00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:59,583
Okay.
618
00:20:59,583 --> 00:21:01,250
Unless he is.
619
00:21:01,250 --> 00:21:02,458
Eileen, where
are you getting this?
620
00:21:02,458 --> 00:21:05,750
Look, I may be misinformed.
621
00:21:05,750 --> 00:21:09,458
Would it be from
your other client, Tim?
622
00:21:09,458 --> 00:21:10,208
Maybe.
623
00:21:10,208 --> 00:21:13,583
So you're not misinformed?
624
00:21:13,583 --> 00:21:14,917
No.
625
00:21:14,917 --> 00:21:17,500
Well, at least you've kept us
in the loop.
626
00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:20,917
Uh, to that end,
full disclosure,
627
00:21:20,917 --> 00:21:23,750
I may have signed him
as well.
628
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:24,750
Who?
629
00:21:24,750 --> 00:21:25,208
Anthony Powner Smith?
630
00:21:25,208 --> 00:21:27,000
I think so.
631
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,750
What do you mean
you think so?
632
00:21:28,750 --> 00:21:29,959
No, I did.
633
00:21:29,959 --> 00:21:32,500
And Tim cast him in our show,
634
00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:33,959
knowing full well
how we feel?
635
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:36,000
Is it a done deal?
636
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,625
Uhh....
637
00:21:37,625 --> 00:21:39,792
I'm sure his agent
will be able to tell you.
638
00:21:39,792 --> 00:21:41,000
No, it's a done deal.
639
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,625
Oh, brilliant.
640
00:21:42,625 --> 00:21:43,959
- Okay, here's what I--
- [line disconnects]
641
00:21:43,959 --> 00:21:45,667
[indistinct chatter]
642
00:21:45,667 --> 00:21:46,291
Ah, just in time.
643
00:21:46,291 --> 00:21:48,041
Get 'em while they're hot.
644
00:21:48,041 --> 00:21:49,625
What's this?
645
00:21:49,625 --> 00:21:50,709
It's Falafel Friday,
didn't you know?
646
00:21:50,709 --> 00:21:55,083
No, but clearly there's
so much we don't know.
647
00:21:55,083 --> 00:21:57,375
Anthony Powner Smith.
648
00:21:57,375 --> 00:22:02,792
Anthony bloody-fucking
Powner Smith.
649
00:22:02,792 --> 00:22:03,959
All right, look,
650
00:22:03,959 --> 00:22:05,959
why don't we have this
conversation after the flan?
651
00:22:05,959 --> 00:22:07,709
Uh, don't think so
652
00:22:07,709 --> 00:22:10,458
because there's not gonna be
any "after the flan."
653
00:22:10,458 --> 00:22:11,250
We're done.
654
00:22:11,250 --> 00:22:14,750
[writers gasp and murmur]
655
00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:17,208
Oh-okay.
Let-let's just take a step back.
656
00:22:17,208 --> 00:22:19,542
Only if you're
at the edge of a cliff.
657
00:22:19,542 --> 00:22:21,166
[Sean] If I have to spend
one more minute
658
00:22:21,166 --> 00:22:22,834
looking at your--
your-your...
659
00:22:22,834 --> 00:22:24,333
- Smug.
- ...smug...
660
00:22:24,333 --> 00:22:25,583
- Self-satisfied.
- ...self-satisfied...
661
00:22:25,583 --> 00:22:26,792
- Weasel-faced.
662
00:22:26,792 --> 00:22:28,166
- I've got it.
- Oh-okay, okay.
663
00:22:28,166 --> 00:22:30,125
You are nothing but
a humor-deficient poser,
664
00:22:30,125 --> 00:22:32,417
filling in the huge gaps
in your talent
665
00:22:32,417 --> 00:22:34,166
with arrogance and crepes.
666
00:22:34,166 --> 00:22:35,166
Okay, let-let's not--
667
00:22:35,166 --> 00:22:37,375
You are a terrible writer.
668
00:22:37,375 --> 00:22:41,667
Your every instinct
is dead wrong.
669
00:22:41,667 --> 00:22:44,542
You're about as funny
as--as--
670
00:22:44,542 --> 00:22:47,583
a tumor in a silly hat.
671
00:22:47,583 --> 00:22:50,792
I'm sorry, I don't normally
believe in public shaming,
672
00:22:50,792 --> 00:22:51,333
but what the hell?
673
00:22:51,333 --> 00:22:53,667
It's Falafel Friday!
674
00:22:54,208 --> 00:22:56,166
What are you doing?
675
00:22:56,166 --> 00:22:57,625
Oh, shit, shouldn't.
I--
676
00:22:57,625 --> 00:22:59,125
I don't know
what he's talking--
677
00:22:59,125 --> 00:23:00,792
Oh, great, right.
678
00:23:00,792 --> 00:23:01,709
Now he's doing that thing
where he pretends
679
00:23:01,709 --> 00:23:03,875
he's lost interest
in the conversation.
680
00:23:03,875 --> 00:23:04,709
Well, it didn't work
at university
681
00:23:04,709 --> 00:23:06,041
and it's not going
to fly today.
682
00:23:06,041 --> 00:23:07,792
Hello!
683
00:23:07,792 --> 00:23:09,542
Oh, bollocks!
684
00:23:09,542 --> 00:23:10,917
You know, I've never enjoyed
your cooking more.
685
00:23:10,917 --> 00:23:11,750
- Hey!
- What?
686
00:23:11,750 --> 00:23:14,000
- [gasps]
- Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
687
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,041
That's okay.
They're really light.
688
00:23:16,041 --> 00:23:16,792
That's the egg whites.
689
00:23:16,792 --> 00:23:18,917
All right, so,
there we are.
690
00:23:18,917 --> 00:23:22,208
To the rest of you, I am
so sorry we're abandoning you.
691
00:23:22,208 --> 00:23:24,583
Nobody deserves
this walking nightmare,
692
00:23:24,583 --> 00:23:26,417
except obviously Amanda.
693
00:23:26,417 --> 00:23:28,041
Giving up gluten
694
00:23:28,041 --> 00:23:30,500
is not like you've discovered
a new vaccine
695
00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:31,083
or a new planet.
696
00:23:31,083 --> 00:23:35,208
It's just fucking wheat.
697
00:23:35,208 --> 00:23:37,208
Calm down.
698
00:23:37,208 --> 00:23:38,208
Getting off point.
699
00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:39,834
Right.
700
00:23:39,834 --> 00:23:42,166
You know, it breaks my heart
to walk out of here,
701
00:23:42,166 --> 00:23:46,583
because I know this could
have been a really great show.
702
00:23:46,583 --> 00:23:48,959
But I just can't bear
standing by and watching you
703
00:23:48,959 --> 00:23:53,250
ruin it bit by bit.
704
00:23:53,250 --> 00:23:56,041
By the way,
Anthony Powner Smith?
705
00:23:56,041 --> 00:23:59,000
We've already built
the fucking set.
706
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:02,834
It's all stairs!
707
00:24:03,917 --> 00:24:05,750
Oh, right.
708
00:24:08,625 --> 00:24:09,542
Hang on.
709
00:24:14,458 --> 00:24:16,959
Good luck getting
your Tupperware back.
710
00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:19,834
You don't even like falafel.
711
00:24:19,834 --> 00:24:21,417
I know, but these
are really good.
712
00:24:21,417 --> 00:24:24,417
♪♪♪
713
00:24:24,417 --> 00:24:25,959
Have you seen my other sock?
714
00:24:25,959 --> 00:24:27,166
Which one?
715
00:24:27,166 --> 00:24:28,542
The right or the left?
716
00:24:28,542 --> 00:24:33,583
Well, very, very similar
to this one.
717
00:24:33,583 --> 00:24:34,792
Have not seen it.
718
00:24:34,792 --> 00:24:36,500
[both chuckle]
719
00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:37,625
[clears throat]
720
00:24:39,333 --> 00:24:41,750
You want some?
721
00:24:41,750 --> 00:24:43,291
Ahh.
[chuckles]
722
00:24:43,291 --> 00:24:44,166
[clears throat]
723
00:24:44,166 --> 00:24:47,291
So are you gonna be weird
724
00:24:47,291 --> 00:24:48,125
about last night?
725
00:24:48,125 --> 00:24:50,166
Oh, probably.
726
00:24:50,166 --> 00:24:51,750
[laughs]
727
00:24:51,750 --> 00:24:52,500
You're not?
728
00:24:52,500 --> 00:24:54,166
Nope.
It was perfect.
729
00:24:54,166 --> 00:24:56,834
It was delicious.
730
00:24:56,834 --> 00:24:59,333
It was us.
731
00:24:59,333 --> 00:25:01,834
I know.
732
00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:02,625
But--
733
00:25:02,625 --> 00:25:03,959
No-no-no-no-no-no-no.
734
00:25:03,959 --> 00:25:06,000
Shh.
Uh-uh, no buts.
735
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:09,166
I can't do this again.
736
00:25:09,166 --> 00:25:11,583
There's just
too much history.
737
00:25:11,583 --> 00:25:15,792
Ehh, like old history,
like ancient history,
738
00:25:15,792 --> 00:25:18,000
like there's togas.
[chuckles]
739
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,083
We are in a different place now.
740
00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:28,834
Hello.
741
00:25:28,834 --> 00:25:30,959
[chuckles]
742
00:25:30,959 --> 00:25:32,166
I just think right now--
743
00:25:32,166 --> 00:25:33,291
Okay-okay, no-no-no-no.
Got it. Got it.
744
00:25:33,291 --> 00:25:36,083
[chuckles]
I hear you.
745
00:25:36,083 --> 00:25:37,166
Not pushing.
746
00:25:37,166 --> 00:25:40,667
Let me just say this.
747
00:25:40,667 --> 00:25:44,166
You know
what I was gonna do last night?
748
00:25:44,166 --> 00:25:45,709
Eat a Lean Cuisine,
749
00:25:45,709 --> 00:25:47,375
and watch, like,
three reruns of Shark Tank,
750
00:25:47,375 --> 00:25:51,000
take an Ambien,
and pass out.
751
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:52,291
And then the phone rang...
752
00:25:52,291 --> 00:25:56,542
...like a fucking miracle.
753
00:25:56,542 --> 00:25:57,792
When I heard your voice,
754
00:25:57,792 --> 00:26:02,208
and you know I don't believe
in any of that fate crap,
755
00:26:02,208 --> 00:26:04,375
but come on.
756
00:26:04,375 --> 00:26:04,834
I'm just saying.
757
00:26:08,333 --> 00:26:10,792
[exhales]
758
00:26:10,792 --> 00:26:14,458
But we'll take it slow.
759
00:26:14,458 --> 00:26:17,333
Okay?
760
00:26:17,333 --> 00:26:18,125
I will take it
761
00:26:18,125 --> 00:26:21,291
any way you want
762
00:26:21,291 --> 00:26:23,500
to give it to me.
763
00:26:23,500 --> 00:26:24,875
[laughs]
764
00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:26,875
[both chuckle]
765
00:26:26,875 --> 00:26:28,625
[cheers and applause]
766
00:26:28,625 --> 00:26:29,542
[Matt] So let's get right to it
and see what
767
00:26:29,542 --> 00:26:31,417
our box-mates are up to.
768
00:26:31,417 --> 00:26:32,291
[suspenseful music playing]
769
00:26:32,291 --> 00:26:33,166
Hey, Rafe.
770
00:26:33,166 --> 00:26:35,583
Losing your mind?
771
00:26:35,583 --> 00:26:39,333
I'd rather lose my mime.
772
00:26:39,333 --> 00:26:40,750
[laughter]
773
00:26:40,750 --> 00:26:42,959
Well, at least it's quiet.
Right, Jessica?
774
00:26:42,959 --> 00:26:45,000
- Quiet would be nice.
- [discordant violin playing]
775
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,750
[laughter]
776
00:26:46,750 --> 00:26:48,875
[Matt] So Rafe, any regrets
about spending all your points
777
00:26:48,875 --> 00:26:50,250
- ...to put Danika...
- Hey.
778
00:26:50,250 --> 00:26:51,792
- [Matt] ...in that sumo suit?
- Hey.
779
00:26:51,792 --> 00:26:53,875
I tried calling last night.
You didn't pick up.
780
00:26:53,875 --> 00:26:54,709
Something was messed up
with my phone.
781
00:26:54,709 --> 00:26:56,333
- Oh.
- I was on with the IT guy
782
00:26:56,333 --> 00:26:58,750
- ...for an hour.
- Ugh.
783
00:26:58,750 --> 00:27:00,417
Three scariest words
in the English language:
784
00:27:00,417 --> 00:27:02,542
"go to settings."
785
00:27:02,542 --> 00:27:04,542
Well, I missed you.
786
00:27:04,542 --> 00:27:07,792
[Matt] Marcel Marceau quiet
you'll want to kill yourself.
787
00:27:07,792 --> 00:27:11,458
Up next, there may be a llama
in Jonathan's future.
788
00:27:11,458 --> 00:27:12,458
[laughter]
789
00:27:12,458 --> 00:27:15,250
We'll find out
right after this.
790
00:27:15,250 --> 00:27:18,250
- [cheers and applause]
- [lively music plays]
791
00:27:19,375 --> 00:27:20,875
And we're out!
792
00:27:20,875 --> 00:27:23,625
[man] Two minutes, everybody!
Two minutes!
793
00:27:23,625 --> 00:27:25,792
Hey, what are you doing here?
794
00:27:25,792 --> 00:27:28,041
Want to do a show?
795
00:27:28,041 --> 00:27:28,792
Seriously?
796
00:27:28,792 --> 00:27:29,917
Sign us up.
797
00:27:29,917 --> 00:27:32,291
Woo-hoo!
798
00:27:32,291 --> 00:27:36,208
[sighs] All right,
but this is the last time.
799
00:27:36,208 --> 00:27:37,250
Ahh!
800
00:27:37,250 --> 00:27:39,166
When can we start?
I got a really good idea.
801
00:27:39,166 --> 00:27:39,709
Really?
802
00:27:39,709 --> 00:27:41,542
Yeah, I'm this guy
803
00:27:41,542 --> 00:27:42,542
who gets killed
in a car accident,
804
00:27:42,542 --> 00:27:45,125
and I come back
as a dog.
805
00:27:45,125 --> 00:27:46,875
Huh?
And my wife adopts me
806
00:27:46,875 --> 00:27:47,917
because she senses
this connection.
807
00:27:47,917 --> 00:27:51,083
And I'm living with her
and her new husband.
808
00:27:51,083 --> 00:27:52,375
Okay, now, the audience
809
00:27:52,375 --> 00:27:53,834
sees me as me.
810
00:27:53,834 --> 00:27:56,667
But everyone on the show
sees me as a dog.
811
00:27:56,667 --> 00:27:58,750
And I have to, like...
[laughs]
812
00:27:58,750 --> 00:28:00,583
...crap outside and,
813
00:28:00,583 --> 00:28:02,792
and other dogs are humping me.
814
00:28:02,792 --> 00:28:04,500
Huh?
815
00:28:04,500 --> 00:28:06,875
- Let-let's-let's, let's, uh...
- That could be fun.
816
00:28:06,875 --> 00:28:08,125
- ...think about it, maybe.
- It certainly--
817
00:28:08,125 --> 00:28:08,959
Matt, we're back.
818
00:28:08,959 --> 00:28:10,000
Okay.
819
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:11,750
This is gonna be great.
820
00:28:11,750 --> 00:28:12,834
[smooches]
821
00:28:12,834 --> 00:28:14,750
No, no--no, ah.
822
00:28:14,750 --> 00:28:17,250
Dear God,
what have we done?
823
00:28:21,750 --> 00:28:23,291
[llama grumbles]
824
00:28:24,583 --> 00:28:25,375
[keys clacking]
825
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♪ quirky music ♪
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♪♪♪
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